Desperate Housewives S1E2 Script

Ah, But Underneath (2004)

Previously on "Desperate Housewives"...

If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herself.

Something must have been going on.

Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

Ha ha.

I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

What's that?

It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Mary Alice: An odd thing happens when we die.

Our senses vanish.

Taste, touch, smell, and sound become a distant memory, but our sight...

Ah, our sight expands, and we can suddenly see the world we've left behind so clearly.

Of course, most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they'd only take the time to look.

Like my friend Gabrielle.

I should have seen how unhappy she was, but I didn't.

I only saw her clothes from Paris...

And her platinum jewelry...

And her brand-new diamond watch.

Had I looked closer, I'd have seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman desperately in search of a life raft.

Luckily for her, she found one.

Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement.

But now she was about to discover just how exciting her life could get.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Damn it. Come on, come on, come on!

Hurry up! Let's go!

Come on, come on!

Where are the rest of my clothes? I'll find them. Just get out.


Out the window. What?

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hi, honey. You're home early.

My meeting got canceled.

Didn't you take a shower this morning?

I, uh, I just finished a workout.


Where's John?


Yeah. That's his truck out front.

Gabrielle was panicked.

She knew if her husband discovered her secret, she would feel the full force of his wrath.

Hey, Mr. Solis.

Hey, John, take care of that ficus yet?

I'll get to it as soon as I'm done here.

All right.

But she was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see...

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Couldn't hurt her.

Mary Alice: The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered, first by my suicide...

And then by the discovery of...

A note among my belongings that suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act.

My friends gathered to discuss its implications.

I think we should give it to Paul.

He's still mourning, Susan. He'll probably freak out.

It doesn't matter. She was his wife.

He deserves to have all the facts.

Well, we could do it gently.

We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.

That would be fun.

"Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep, dark secret. Another bear claw?"

We could always call the police.

Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke.

Well, if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste.

No, this was serious. I know it was.

We got to find out what was going on.

Let's say we do.

There's a chance we're not going to like what we find.

Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark?

I mean, imagining she did all these horrible things.

It's the age-old question, isn't it?

How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

My friends were right to be concerned.

They knew that every family has its secrets, and as my son and husband could have told them, you need to think carefully before digging them up.

After talking for hours, my friends still hadn't agreed on what to do with the note.

So they decided to talk about it in the morning after a good night's rest.

But no one could sleep that night.

They each kept thinking of my suicide and how terribly alone I must have felt.

You see, loneliness was something my friends understood all too well.


It's okay. I'm up.


I have a question for you.


Do you remember when you proposed?

For god's sake...

We sat on skyline drive and drank a bottle of apple wine, and when we finished it, you turned to me, and you said, "if you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life."

And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my father didn't like you, I said yes.

That was a long time ago.

You're going to cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer, and we're going to find ourselves a marriage counselor.


You promised.

All right.


I'm going to go, uh, make myself some warm milk.

Would you like something to drink?

Anything but apple wine.

Susan awoke that night alone and parched, but as she gazed out her window, she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst.

"Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."

Shut up.

If you want to date him, you're going to have to ask him out.

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

How's that going?

Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it?

The measuring cup?

Yeah. Hmm.

Ooh! Aah!

I... well, it's... It's got to be here somewhere.

Just keep looking.

I know you're awake.

I know you're a jerk.

Dinner with Tanaka ran long. I'm sorry.

You know, Carlos, I didn't marry you so I could have dinner by myself six times a week.

You know how bored I was today?

I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

Don't be that way. I got you a gift.

Nope. No, no, no, no.

You're not going to buy your way out of this one.

It's a good gift.

Is that white gold?

Yeah. Put it on...

And then make love to me.

I'm not in the mood.

But we could stay up and talk.

Ha ha ha ha.

When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry, there are many things he may want in return.

For future reference, conversation ain't one of them.

Hey, that was a joke.

Yeah, right.

What the hell is wrong with you? Let go of me.

Hey, you've been acting like a nightmare for a month.

What's wrong?

I can't fix it unless you tell me.

It's not exciting anymore, Carlos.

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

Be the way you used to be.

Surprise me. Take my breath away.



Hey, Susan.


What's wrong?

I didn't realize anybody was going to be out here.

I just sort of rolled out of bed.

I'm sure you look fine.


Oh, bongo, stop.

Bongo, bongo, no.

Hey, shh, shh. Sorry, uh...

He scares easy.

No, it... it's fine. I-I get it.

I didn't mean to disturb you.

I'll see you later.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Do you want to have dinner with me?

Just the two of us?


And Julie.


It's a thing we do when...

When somebody new moves into the neighborhood, we invite them over for a home-cooked meal.

Sort of a tradition.

I thought you said you were a lousy cook.

Well, I order takeout.

Oh, you invite them over for home cooking and give them takeout.

Yeah, it's... it's... It's sort of a new tradition.

I'm working out the kinks.

Ha ha ha.

I'll tell you what...

How about I cook and you guys come over to my place?



Friday night at 6:00?

I'll be there.

All right. Come on.

Ha ha.

Bye, bongo.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.


Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.

He did? Cool.

But only I'm going, because you're going to come down with something semi-serious that requires bed rest and fluids.

Ha ha ha.

Mary Alice: Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life.

Of course, she was unaware of her mother's recent track record with fire.

It's all gone...

Everything my ex-husband worked for all those years.


Well, don't worry about clothing.

I already started a collection from people in the neighborhood.

What? I don't want to wear other people's old crap.

Edie, you can be homeless, or you can be ungracious.

You really can't afford to be both.

That reminds me...

My insurance check still hasn't come yet.

Can I stay with you for a few more weeks?

Of course. What kind of Christian would I be if I denied shelter to a friend in need?

Oh, look, here's something we can salvage.

Your measuring cup.

We can just scrape off the burnt part, and it'll look good as new.

That's not my cup.

Mine was plastic.

Well, how did it get in here?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Now, would you put that down and start looking for jewelry?

Mary Alice: Dr. Albert goldfine was the most accomplished marriage counselor in the city.

He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse to infidelity to domestic violence.

Yes, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all, and then he met the Van de kamps.

Hi. I'm Bree, and this is my husband Rex...

And I brought you some homemade potpourri.

The answer is yes.

You're about to make a fortune off of us.

Guys, I'm very...

Sit in your seats.

I am not going to tell you again!

Buckle up!

I mean it, so help me, I will...


Licenses, registration, ma'am.


Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?

I have a theory.

The kids are jumping up and down.

They should be sitting, wearing their seat belts.

I don't let them...

They don't even listen to me.

It's very frustrating.

Well, you have to find a way to control them.

After all, that's your job.

Though he'd been a policeman for six years, officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation.

Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children.

Are you saying I'm a bad mother?

Ma'am, you need to get back in your car, please.

I have no help.

My husband's always away on business.

I'm going to have to ask you to step back now.

My babysitter joined the witness relocation program. Ma'am.

I haven't slept through the night in six years, ma'am.

And for you to stand there and judge me...


I'm not going to give you a ticket.

I'm just going to let you off with a warning.

I accept your apology.

Buckle up.

Mrs. Solis.

Hello, Jonathan.

Well, this is my room.

Sorry about the mess.

Ah, don't worry about it.

You just missed my mom.

Friday she coaches my little sister's soccer team.

Oh, yes. I heard that.

Um, John, we need to talk about what happened the other day.

Mr. Solis isn't starting to catch on, is he?

No, no, he doesn't have a clue, god love him.

It's just, I was thinking that when you come over to garden, you might actually have to garden.


You're breaking up with me in my own bedroom.

No, no, no.

I'm not dumping you.

Lately you've been the only thing keeping me going.

It's just we can't do it at my house anymore.


So, then, where do you want to do it?

Well, what time does your mom get back from soccer practice?

Mrs. Solis.

Better hurry. We don't have a lot of time.

And so there's just the four of us.

My older son Andrew is 16, Danielle is 15, and...

I don't need to see pictures.

Bree, you've spent most of the hour engaging in small talk.

Oh, have I?


Rex has been very vocal about his issues.

Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage?


Doc, um...

This is the thing you got to know about Bree...

She doesn't like to talk about her feelings.

To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any.

Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy?

Who knows?

She's always pleasant, and I can't tell you how annoying that is.

Whatever she feels, it's so far below the surface, no one can see it.

I feel like she's using all these...

Uh, Bree?


Uh, I'm sorry.

Would you like to respond to what Rex just said?

Oh, um...

Is there some truth there?

Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally?

Of course not.

Ah. This is great.

I've got tons of homework tonight.

It's so easy to concentrate after sex.

I'm glad I could help. Education is very important.

Oh, I got something for you.

I was going to give it to you next time I mowed your lawn, but since you're here...

Oh, it's a Rose.

It's not just any Rose.

Look at all the petals. There's no floss.

It's perfect.

Oh, John.

Just like you.

The truth hit her like a thunderbolt.

I spent days looking for just the right one.

I finally found it.

For John, this was no longer a meaningless little affair.

Gabrielle could now clearly see he was falling in love with her.

It's just beautiful.


I got to go.


Hey, you.

So what are we having?

Uh, well, I talked to Julie, and... thanks.

And she suggested rib eye steaks.

She said that's your favorite.

Oh, yeah, I love my steak.

Hi, Mike.



Hey, I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up?

All right, I guess.

Oh, is somebody having a party?

No, Susan's just throwing me one of her traditional welcome-to-the-neighborhood dinners, only I'm cooking...

And having it at my house.

Ha ha. Traditional, huh?

I didn't get one.

Oh, it's sort of a new tradition.

Well, it won't be anything fancy.

Just a little home cooking.

Mm. That sounds so good.

Susan suddenly had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach...

I've been having nothing but fast food lately.

As if she was watching an accident in slow motion.

She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it.

Edie, would you like to join us for dinner?

Oh, that's so sweet.

No, I don't want to intrude. Three's a crowd.

No, it's not like that.

I mean, Susan's bringing Julie.

Yeah, it's not like that.

The more, the merrier.

Well, this will be fun.

All right. Tomorrow night.

We'll eat at 6:00.


Oh, and, Susan... Yeah.

This will make up for the dinner that you never threw me.

Right. Ha ha.


Should I have told her we were having steak?

She's not, like, a vegetarian or something, is she?

Oh, no, no.

No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

Here's, um... Oh.

Here's what I pulled for Edie.

I should warn you that most of the clothes in there aren't that stylish.

Oh, don't worry about it. Edie's a beggar now, which means she can't be a chooser.

Of course, we don't have to add salt to the wound.

Listen, I was just getting dinner ready.

Say no more. I'll get out of your hair.

No, no.

By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled over by a policeman?

Yeah, the boys were acting up in the car, and I couldn't get them to sit down.

Young boys can be so willful.

I try everything.

I scream, I threaten, I reason, I beg.

Nothing works. I don't know if it's because they're too young and they don't understand, or they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me.

My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car, so one time when I was acting up, she stopped and left me on the side of the road, and she drove off.

You're kidding.

Oh, she came back immediately, but I never misbehaved in the car again.

You should try that.

Mrs. Huber, I could never leave my kids by the side of the road.

When it comes to discipline, sometimes you must be creative.

My mother knew that. Smart lady.

Of course, she's in a home now, and her mind has just turned to mush.

Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready.

Oh, right, right.



Susan, have you been able to find old clothes for Edie?

She has nothing to wear.

I thought that was the look she was going for.

Oh, Susan.

Edie may be trash, but she's still a human being.


Is your dad home?

I need to talk to him.

Hey, Paul. Hey.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

Actually, I was getting ready to go somewhere.

I just wanted to come by and say hello, you know, see how you guys are doing.

We're trying to move on.

It's been pretty tough.

Yeah, I could only imagine.

I mean, not knowing why Mary Alice...

Why what?

Why she did it. Oh, here, let me help you.

I've got it, I've got it.

I'm sorry if I upset you.

Can I be frank?

Of course.

I don't care what her reasons were.

Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was bored.

It doesn't matter.

She abandoned her husband and her son, and I'll never forgive her.

As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her.

She wanted so much to know why I did it...

Why I killed myself.

It's not enough to want the truth.

You must know where to look for it.

And the truth is elusive, because it knows where to hide.

Hello, Julie.

I talked to your mom about donating some clothes for Edie.

She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's, but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs.

Oh, Julie.

I-I was, um, just admiring your new measuring cup.

Ha ha. Yeah, we lost ours.


So I couldn't find the clothes.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

If you want me to keep looking...

No, you've done more than enough, truly.

Bree, Rex just called.

He won't be able to meet you here today.

Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital.

Oh. Well, I wish he had called me.

He suggested perhaps you'd like to meet with me by yourself.

You've been very quiet in our joint sessions.


Oh... oh, no, thank you.

I-I have some things that I-I need to do today.

You... you sure?

Uh, yeah. I'm sure.


Dr. Goldfine, there is something you can do for me.

What's that?

Take off your coat.

So now you're taking Julie on the dinner date with Mike?

Yeah, well, if Edie's going to be there, I'm going to need emotional support.

I can't believe she wormed her way in.

How did you let her do that?

I don't know. I was going to take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.

Well, you know what you need to do.

You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before the little barracuda gets there.

That's a good idea.

Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for 5:00.

That a girl.

I'm just going to take these upstairs.

I'm going to keep my one little bag and go home.


That is a beautiful Rose.

Where did you get it?

Oh, John gave it to me.

John? Your gardener? He gave you a Rose?


I am having some new bushes planted outside, and he gave me that as a color palette.




Sure is beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

Oh, who cares what he thinks?

I took psychology in college.

We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.

What makes you say that?

Well, think about it...

He grew up in the late 1800s.

There were no appliances back then.

His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family.

And what does he do?

He grows up and becomes famous peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done.

She must have felt so betrayed.

He saw how hard she worked.

He saw what she did for him.

Did he even ever think to say "thank you"?

I doubt it.

There you go.

Just so you know, many of Freud's theories have been discredited.


Boys, I am not going to tell you again... sit.

I mean it. I am serious.

You boys are going to be in so much trouble if you don't sit back in those seats.

Mary Alice: For the first time, Lynette could see this was not the innocent play of children.

She was being challenged.

So she decided it was time to get creative.

Out. Can't behave, you heard me, you cannot ride.

You, out.

Where's mom going?

I don't know.



Mommy's a genius.

5, 6... all right.



I will be right back.





Preston! Parker!

If you're hiding, you've got to stop now, 'cause mommy doesn't think it's funny!

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

I'm looking for my boys.

Three boys with red hair. Have you seen them?

Yeah. I also saw you drive away and leave them.

I know. I was just trying to scare them into behaving.

Did you see where they went?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in my kitchen. Oh.

Listen, uh, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues.

I have four kids under the age of 6.

I absolutely have anger management issues.

Yeah, well, I think you need to talk to somebody, because abandoning your children is...

Hey, I-I didn't abandon them. I came back.

I'm just saying it's not normal.

Well, my kids aren't normal, and now I don't have time for this, lady, so...

Boys, get out here!

No, I don't think they should go anywhere until you calm down.

Get in the car.

She's got cookies.

Well, bring them. We're leaving.

Oh, no, no. Stay put. I don't think so. Aah!

Listen, lady, you and I are going to have a little talk. Leave my mommy alone!

Let go of me! What's the matter with you?

Son of a... aah!

Run, boys, run!


You get back here!

Boys, you're going to need to put on your...

You come back here right now!

Get back or I'm going to call social services!

Oh, my god.

Carlos, what have you done?

I saw it when I drove by the dealership.

I thought, "Gabrielle would look so beautiful in this."


Ha ha ha ha ha.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

It's got GPS navigation, 200-watt stereo system, rear parking... oh, my god, it's beautiful.


Did I take your breath away?



Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?

Mary Alice: Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos, so she responded the only way she knew how.

She had a feeling the truth would have been lost on her husband anyway.

After all, it's the rare man who understands the value of a single perfect Rose.



Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I thought I'd come by early and help you set up.

Oh, um...

Hey, Susan.

Ha ha.

Don't worry. Mike and I have got everything under control.

Oh. Ha ha.


I don't know why he barks at you.

Well, I wouldn't take it personally.

Dogs are very sensitive.

What's up, bongo, huh?

You never know what freaks them out, huh?

In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring.

Ooh, is it a strange noise, huh?

What is it? A weird smell?

Round one had started.

Look, all I'm saying is that this whole

"it takes two to mess up a marriage" theory is bull.

The problems that we have are because of her.

That is not true, Rex.

All right, fine.

What have I been doing for the past 20 years that's been so awful? You're not saying anything because I've been a great husband, and it kills you to admit that.

Rex, I'm curious... Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree?


By your own admission, your home is always clean, your clothes are always freshly pressed.

Sounds like a wonderful cook.

Despite her flaws, do you ever remember to say "thank you"?

"Thank you"?



Bongo! Bongo. Get down. Down.

Go on. Unh-unh.

Down. I'm sorry.

So, um, who's the guy that lives across from Mrs. Huber again?

Mm. That's Mr. Mullen, and just so you know, if he invites you in, you have to meet all of his pets.

That's okay. I love animals.

He's a taxidermist. Ha ha.



Thanks for the warning. Ha ha ha.


Isn't Mr. Mullen's brother your divorce attorney?

Uh, yes. Yes, he was.

Can I say something?

In my heart, I still believe that you and Carl are going to get back together.


Oh, yeah, i-I've never seen two people more in love.

I mean, she's never going to find that kind of chemistry with another man.


It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face.

Round two was under way, and she was already taking a beating.

You know what, Mrs. Britt?

What Edie hadn't counted on...

Do you know who I always liked?

Was Susan had someone else in her corner.

Mr. Authwell... Your fourth husband.

Oh, he was my second husband. I've only been married twice.

Twice? You weren't married to the guy with all the tattoos that they took away in handcuffs?

No, Julie, she wasn't married to Javier.

That was just one of her special friends.

I think we should change the subject.

You know, unless you want to keep talking about it.

Oh! Bongo, get down.

Wait, wait. Let... Let me show you something.

Bongo. He loves that gravy.

Bongo, come.

While you were in there tossing the salad, I taught him something. Up.


Susan was furious with Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner.

She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant maneuver.

But mostly...

You know what? I'm going to go get the desserts.

She was furious with herself for not having thought of it first.

You are such a smart boy.

I can barely get him to sit.

Ha ha ha. You are a good dog.

You're the best dog ever. Yes, you are.

Ha ha. I've never seen him walk on two legs.

Well, he knows who to come to, doesn't he?

He knows who to come to.

He's a good boy.

Here's your dessert.

Thank you. Mmm. My, this looks yummy.


Oh, look at that.

Looks like bongo's finally warming up to Susan.

Oh. Ha ha.

Yeah, we just got off on the wrong foot.

We're best buddies now.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, what a good boy.


Bongo, are you okay?

What's wrong with him?

I don't know. I've never heard him make that sound.

Hey, you okay, pal?

Mom. Hey, you all right?

You okay? Come on.

Call the vet. The number's on the fridge.

Tell him I'll be right there.

Okay, don't you worry about a thing.

I'll stay here and get everything cleaned up.

Thanks, Edie.

Let's go.

Is there anything I can do?




How's bongo doing?

I'm, uh, just waiting to see if they'll have to operate.

Oh, god.



I stopped and I got this...

I am just so sorry for this.

I'm really sorry I snapped at you. I was just so...

Oh, no, it's okay.

Good news. We won't have to do surgery.

Susan: Oh, that's great.

We've given bongo something to help pass the earring.

When he does, would you like us to retrieve it for you?

I'm going to say no.

Okay. You should be able to take him home in about an hour.


You must be so relieved.

I'm sorry. I was just really worried.

Well, it was your dog. I get it.

Actually, he was my wife's dog, and, uh...

One of the last things she said to me in the hospital before she died was to be sure I looked after him, and, um, I promised her I would.

Mary Alice: And just like that, Susan could suddenly see something she'd never seen before.

He, uh, meant so much to her.

Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife.

And if, uh, something had happened, I would have felt like I had failed her.

I know that sounds stupid, but I...

And she knew right then neither she nor Edie would be laying claim to his heart anytime soon.

No, it doesn't. Not at all.

So she decided, for now, she could settle for just being his friend.

This is for you. Ha ha.

Well, for bongo. You give it to him.

Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind, it's all so clear to me...

The beauty that waits to be unveiled, the mysteries that long to be uncovered.

But people so rarely stop to take a look.

They just keep moving.

It's a shame, really.

There's so much to see.