Desperate Housewives S1E3 Script

Pretty Little Picture (2004)

Previously on "Desperate Housewives"...

She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.

She abandoned her husband and her son, and I'll never forgive her.

It's the age-old question, isn't it?

How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

You're going to cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer, and we're going to find ourselves a marriage counselor.

I'm Mike Delfino. Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

If you want to date him, you're going to have to ask him out.

I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace, but I'm learning to deal with it.

Do you love him? I do.

Well, then, why are we here?

Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

Mary Alice: After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary.

My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts...

Every trace of my humanity was discarded.

You see, I feel, when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly.

In fact, I held on to only one thing...

My memory.

It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind.

I remember it all... Every single detail.

Like my friend Bree.

I remember the easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands, the refined warmth of her voice.


But what I remember most about Bree was the look of fear in her eyes.

And for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable.


Rex. You need to get up.

It's not even light out.

Please hurry. If the kids see you sleeping down here, they're going to start asking questions.

Let 'em ask. I don't care anymore.

Well, I care.

They don't need to be burdened with our marital problems, and while we're working things out, the least we can do is try to keep up appearances.

Oh, yeah. Appearances.

I keep forgetting about appearances.

Oh, Rex, you look so tired.

I didn't sleep.

This damn thing is so uncomfortable.

Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?

We're in marriage counseling, Bree.

I think that would confuse things.

It's just... I miss you.

I know you do.

Of course, if I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.

Yes, Bree was afraid of many things, but if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of...

It was a challenge.

Mary Alice: The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other day...

With a cup of coffee and the morning paper.

While Lynette read about a hostile takeover in the business section and Gabrielle studied the fall collection and Bree searched for decorating ideas, Susan scanned the front page and saw something that caught her eye.

Well, it's about time.

Be nice. I come bearing snacks.

Bree: Lynette, these cards are sticky.

I know. Preston used the 3 of diamonds to scoop jam out of a jar.

Well, we're just thankful we have 49 cards to play with.

Susan: Hello. Sorry I'm late.


So, Susan, I was just telling the girls I want to throw a dinner party.

Really? Yes.

How long have we all lived on this street?

We've never done a big group thing.

I think it's a great idea.

Paul never likes to have people over, but to heck with him. I'm doing it.

So when is this shindig?

How about a month from tonight?

That would be the 9th. Good for everyone?

Sure. Works for me.

Shall we all make something?

Oh, no, no. This is my party.

I've been wanting to have everyone over for years.

Oh, I'm so happy we're finally doing this.

It's going to be so much fun.


I know. Her dinner.

How could we have all forgotten about this?

We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually, when the hostess dies, the party's off.


I'm not being flip. I'm just pointing out a reality.

Mary Alice was so excited about it. It's so sad.

I think we should go through with it.

Really? Wouldn't that be in poor taste?

No. It's sort of a way to honor Mary Alice.

It was so important to her.

We could all use a fun night.

Well, good, because I have some new flatware that I've just been dying to show off.

Lynette? I'm in.

I'll make braised lamb shanks. I'm still in.

So how many will I be cooking for?

Seven... three couples and Susan.

Does that sound right?

No, it sounds very, very wrong.

Oh, is there somebody you'd like to invite?

I have an idea.

A dinner party. Honey, I may be working late.

The dillman proposal's a complete mess.

No, no, you promised to be home every night this week.

I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything.

This is business.

Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset.

Boy, did the movies ever get that wrong.

You know what your problem is? You're very tense.

You should go to a spa or go shopping.

Find a way to relax.


Where are you?


You free at 4:00?

I'm not sure. I got track after school.

Well, get here as fast as you can.

My husband says I need to relax.

You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on like last time?

If you would, please.

A dinner party? Yeah, it'll be fun.

Bree's cooking, everyone's coming.

You know what?

I haven't even had a chance to unpack yet, honey.

I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days.

Oh, Tom.

There'll be liquor and hors d'oeuvres and grownups without children and...

And silverware. Remember silverware?

Honey, can you take this in for me?

Have you heard anything I just said?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm wiped out.

Three cities in six days... My head is just pounding.

I'm not ready for a dinner party.

I already got a sitter.

Can you cancel her? Please?

Look, let's just stay in tomorrow night.

We can get a bottle of wine and rent a video, and I-I just want to hang out with my best gal.

That's all.

I was looking so forward to a night out.

I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but...

I'm beat.

I mean, do you remember what it was like to work a 60-hour week?

A dinner party?

Do I have to go?

Well, given that we're hosting it, I'd say so.

By the way, you won't be drinking at this party.

Why is that?

Because when you drink, you get chatty.

No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine.

You know, if you spent half as much time working on our problems as you do covering them...

Not a drop.

You know, this... This is ridiculous.

And this whole thing about us taking tennis lessons?

Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering why you're disappearing three times a week.

Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi.

All right, so, these tennis lessons we're taking... How are we doing?

My backhand's improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Of course.

A dinner party?

It's tomorrow night, so if you could just keep Julie an extra day.

Fine, but that's all. Brandy and I leave sunday for a week up at the cabin.

What cabin?

Brandy wanted some place where we could get away.

Escrow just closed yesterday.

You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support?

The check is in the mail.


No, it's not.

I found my dental guard. I'm ready.

Stop fighting.

We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another.

Like I said, stop fighting.

Ha ha.

Excuse me, Brandy.

Do you mind?

Oh, okay.

Wait. Susan, you're right there.

You can pick it up.

I could, but she's the one who threw it.

Come on. Don't be petulant.

Just pick up the stupid can.


I can pick it up.

Honey, stay out of this.


This is so typical.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that petulant, too?

You know what?

You can pick up the damn can yourself.

Yeah, well, you just go to hell.

You want me to pick it up?


Mrs. Warmington said she looked for mom's obituary and couldn't find it.

Did you put one in?

I've had other things on my mind, Zach.

But how could you not do that?

People are going to think we didn't care about her.

I doubt people will give it much thought.

Don't worry about it.

You never talk about her.

She hasn't even been dead a month, and it's like you've totally forgotten she ever existed.

It's a little early for this kind of talk.

Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.

That will be your choice to make.

Assuming you outlive me.

Mom, it's no big deal.

Carlos and I are driving in for the baptism.

Problem solved.

Okay, fine.

You go with aunt Maria, and I will take Nana to church.

Take your clothes off.


Okay. I got to go, mom.

Yes, right now.

Okay, uh, you can give me directions later. Bye.

Hi. How was school?

Got an a-minus on my biology exam.

You did? Mm.

Well, let's see what you've learned.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Hey, you!


So did Mike say anything?

No, but, god, you should have seen the look on his face.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

I mean, he's coming to the party, right?

I left three messages.

Oh, he's not going to come. Big surprise.

I did everything but foam at the mouth.

God, I hate when I get that way.

It's like every time I get within 10 feet of Carl, I just become this monster.

You know what? It's not going to change until you resolve your issues with that man.

What, you mean forgive him?

You know, I've lived with this bitterness so long, I think I'd be lonely without it.

Honey, get a pet.

Ha ha.

See ya.

Son of a...

It's a business meeting.

It's a frat party.

Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales.

Margarita, cigar, sombrero.


Honey, what do you want me to do, sit around the hotel the whole time watching cable?

No. But when I say, "we've been invited to a party," don't whine about your exhausting 60-hour week.

Put on your dancin' shoes and take the mother of your children out for a good time.

Fine. You know what? You're right.

Let's go to that party.

I can't. I already canceled the sitter.

Okay, well, we'll throw the next one.

Throw a dinner party?

I don't even have time to wash my face.

No, you know what?

I'm going to go to this one.

You can stay home and babysit the kids.


I can handle that.

Thank you.

Mary Alice: Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl.

Unfortunately for her, the mystery was solved a bit too quickly.


What's going on?

Have you met Ashley?

Woman: Found it!

Babe, this is Sheila bukowski, our new neighbor.

They just moved into the Millers' old house.

My daughter left her ball in your yard.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, no... no problem.

Nice to meet you, Ashley.

She's shy. She doesn't say much.

Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away.

Ha ha ha ha.

Nice meeting you. Mm-hmm.

Come on, Ashley.

Ha ha ha.

Private sessions?

I don't understand. Why do we need private sessions?

Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners.

Oh, well, I don't have any personal issues.

My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me, and how can I work on that if he's not in the room?

There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine, and I can't have you there.


I'm your wife. You can say anything in front of me.

All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can...

Damn it, Bree, a few more sessions isn't going to fix us.

This is bigger than that.

Why don't we do it this way?

Rex, you can take the first half-hour.

Bree, you can take the second.


Oh, and, doctor, if what he's about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution, or Internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line.

Hi, Ashley.

Remember me?

We... we met earlier.


Aren't you the little artist? Ha ha.

What are those... flamingos?


Well, they're very pretty.

It almost looks like they're kissing.

Funny thing about kissing...

It's not just for husbands and wives.

Sometimes we kiss our mom or our grandpa.

Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Ha ha.

Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends, kind of like a high-five on the lips.

Right? Ha ha.


Hey, ash, I was at the mall, and I saw this.

I thought you might like it.

She's Hawaiian.

Her name is Princess kahalua, and I think it means "little waterfall," or "big pond" or something.


So we're good, right?


Well, you enjoy your new little friend, and if there's anything else you need, you just let me know. Ha ha.

What I'd really like is a bike.

Where did you find that?

She used this to kill herself.

Why would you keep it?


Because I thought we might need it someday.

For what?


I want to talk about mom.

You need to take your medication.

We are going to talk about mom.

Hello, Zach.

I hope this isn't a bad time.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Van De Kamp?

Well, I wanted to invite you and your father to a dinner party tomorrow night.

I'm not sure where he is right now.


Well, I'm sorry it's such late notice, but, well, we weren't sure that you and your father were ready for any kind of social engagement yet, but, well, we're...

We're sort of throwing it in your mother's honor.


Yes, it's just going to be a casual night with the gang.

We're going to eat and tell fun stories about your mom.


Are you okay?

Hello, Bree.

Oh, hi, Paul. I was just...

I heard.

Thank you, but we already have plans for tomorrow.

Oh. That's too bad.

Well, I should go.

Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

For what, Zach?

For remembering my mom.


Mary Alice: That night, Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves, and the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves by giving something to her new best friend.

Here you go.

Top of the line, 3-speed, aluminum frame, handlebar ribbons, and a bell, and you'll notice it's royal blue to match your pretty little eyes.

My eyes are green.

Yeah, well, you'll be cruising so fast on this, no one will even notice. It's all yours, hon.

Have fun.

What? What's wrong?

I don't know how to ride a bike.


Well, then, why did you ask for one?

Why can't you show me?

Ha ha.

Sure, one of these days.

What's wrong with now?

After her talk with Lynette, Susan had decided to take a look at her old photo album.

Susan began to see herself in a whole new light, and the picture wasn't at all flattering.

Carl: Yep, you got Carl. Leave a message.

Hey, Carl, it's me.

I was hoping you'd be there.

Um, listen, we need to talk, so maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow, we could have a moment. It's important.

Give my best to...


Call me.

Susan was proud of herself.

She was finally ready to let go of her anger.

Well, almost.

The boys will be hungry at 5:30, so put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5:00.

For half an hour. Honey, I know.

This is the third time you've told me.

Well, if the food's late, god help you.

Beautiful, I don't need a pamphlet.

It's not brain surgery.

They're just kids, for god's sake.

Preston, would you come here?


Sweetie, you know our rule about eating cookies, right?

Yeah, we can't have them after 5:00

'cause sugar makes us hyper.

Yeah, but tonight, anything goes.

Make sure you share with your brothers.

Thanks, mom.

Don't look at your feet.

Don't look at your feet. Look at the road.

Look at the road. Good.

Ow. Okay. Find your balance.

Find your balance. Okay, it's all you.

It's all you! You're doing great!

Okay, stay to the right.

Watch the car.

Watch the car!

Watch the car!

Oh, god.

Oh! Are you okay?

Yeah. Let's go again.

Oh, honey, these heels don't have another block in them.

What about tomorrow?

Well, you won't be around tomorrow, 'cause you have school.

I'm homeschooled. I'm always around.

It was in that moment that Gabrielle realized this ride was far from over.

Susan: I'm coming!

Carl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow.

You said you wanted to talk. It sounded important.

Tomorrow. I'm in a towel.

We were married 14 years. I know what's under there.

Come on.

I'm not really ready for this.

I was going to have a whole speech prepared.

Brandy and I have plans tomorrow.

I suggest you wing it.


Um, okay.

Here's the thing, Carl...

I was thinking about what happened in the driveway yesterday, and...

I-I just don't want to... I don't want to live like that.

I don't want to be that kind of person, and I just thought if the two of us, you know, if we had a nice, calm...

I need an apology, Carl.

A what?

An apology for the way you ended our marriage.

You never took any responsibility for your behavior.

Ha ha.

I don't know what to say, Susan.

The heart wants what it wants.

What does that mean?

I fell in love.

While you were married to someone else.

The heart wants what it wants.

Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself.

I-I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest that you get some help.

You know what?

I don't need an apology. I don't need anything from you.

You're humiliating yourself.

No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Carl.

Why don't you see that?

You walked out on your family.

People think you're scum, not me, so worry about yourself. I'm okay with me.

I can walk down the street and hold my head high.

Mary Alice: As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.


Lying naked in the bush, it occurred to Susan this could very well be the most humiliating moment of her life.


She was wrong.

Uh, whatcha doing?

Locked myself out...



And then I fell.

So how are you?

Good, good.

I just got back. I've been gone all day, and I got your messages about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if that invite still stands.

It's a date.

All right. I, um...

Assume the dress is casual.


It's casual.


Thanks for helping me break in.

Do you think it'll be hard to replace that screen?

It depends. If you're going to nail it in yourself, you might want to wear gloves...

Or pants.

Pants wouldn't hurt.

Okay, I know what just happened is funny in theory, but I'm nowhere near ready to laugh about it, so please, no jokes.

Hey, where have you two been?

Uh, Susan had a problem finding something to wear.

Oh, is that the kind of thing you meant?

Pretty much.

The kids are bouncing off the walls? Huh.

Well, I'm sure you can figure a way to put them to bed, Tom.

I mean, for god's sakes, Tom, they're just kids.

Hey. Are you okay?

Yes, I-I went jogging today, and I think I just pushed myself too hard.

Oh, you're probably not wearing the right shoes.

Yeah, that thought did cross my mind.

So Gabrielle says that you and Bree are taking lessons three times a week. Uh-huh.

I'm actually thinking about playing again.

I mean, it's such great exercise.

Mm. That it is.

And my drop shot could use a serious tune-up.

Think you can give me the number of your pro?

Yeah. I'll, uh, I'll give it to you later.

Well, what club does he work out of?


W-We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.

You're not?

That's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact that we're seeing a marriage counselor.

Bree... Bree...

He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro.

Bree and I are in marriage counseling.

Everyone knows our secret now.

Did the sky fall?

Has your life come crashing down?

If everybody would please take your seats, dinner is served.

A grisly discovery was made today in westbrook when a chest was found in rockwater lake, discovered by a local area businessman and his grandson while they were fishing.

Okay, I got to break the ice here.

So you're in counseling. Big deal.

You want humiliation? I'll give you humiliation.

I locked myself out of my house stark naked and got caught by Mike.

Oh, my god. When did this happen?

Today, right before the party.

What can I say? Right place, right time.

I think I can top that.

Try getting thrown out of Disneyland for lewd behavior.

What? When was this?

When Tom and I were first married, things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad's wild ride.

You're kidding. No.

We got perp walked down main street, usa.

Well, since we're doing true confessions, Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in cancĂșn. How'd you manage that?

Well, he used to have a thing for spiked heels.

I'd just like to make it clear...

Shewas wearing them.

Rex cries after he ejaculates.

You think we left too early?

I was thinking we left too late.

Ha ha.

So is, uh, Rex gone for good?

I don't know.

God, I hope not.

I mean, they've always been wound a little tight, but I've never seen them like that.

Then again, who am I to judge?

You mean people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw soda cans?

Okay, you have got to know that I only get that angry around Carl.

He just treated me so badly at the end.

I haven't been able to get past it.

Well, maybe he did you a big favor.

What do you mean?

Let's look at Carl as a starter marriage...

You know, boot camp.

Preparing you for something better next time.

Listen, Mike...

About the whole seeing me naked thing, I...

I don't... I just want to thank you for being such a...

Perfect gentleman.

Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman.

I might have snuck a peek.


Good night.

And, um, for what it's worth...



How was your night?

We are raising little terrorists.

You know that, don't you?

Oh. You didn't have a good time?

Okay, you know what? Drop the act.

I know you gave them cookies.

Oh. Who cracked?

Ha ha.




So how was your, uh, dinner party?

Well, there was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party.

Uh-oh. What happened?

I don't know.

Rex announced that he and Bree are in counseling.

She retaliated with this whole revelation which I won't even go into now, and the bottom line is he stormed out.

Clearly, there's trouble in paradise.

Well, honestly, I'm not that surprised.

Why not? I don't know.

I just never got the idea that they were really happy.

Are we happy?

Man, oh, man.

I keep seeing that look on Rex's face, and then him taking off like that.

Ha ha.

Some night.

Then again, I would probably cry, too, if I had to have sex with that woman.

Ha ha ha.

I mean, you watch a man get torn down like that, it makes you wonder why he let her get away with it.

Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public, hmm... it would only happen once.

So, uh, where are you going?

I'll be staying at the motor lodge.

The hotel by the interstate has better rates, and it's closer to your work.


I'm packing your swimsuit.

There's a pool there, and I know how swimming relaxes you.

When our kids ask where I am, what are you going to say?


I could tell them that you went to tennis camp.

That was a joke.

Yeah. I got it.

Ah. There.

Obviously, if you've forgotten anything, you can, um, come right back and get it.

Well, I'll call you.


In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us.

We were the golden couple.

Everybody knew we were going to have this wonderful life.

Why is this happening?

Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.


All right, see ya.

Have fun.

Hey. Where are you going?

Just a sec.


Don't worry. I'm not packing heat.

Hey, Brandy, would you scoot a little?

Just scoot. Thank you.


What are you doing?

I'll be quick.

Brandy, I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

It was uncalled for and childish, and it won't happen again.

I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you, and I realize now that I just can't carry that around anymore, so apology or no apology, I'm moving on.

Mrs. Mayer?


Brandy, get in the car. Mrs. Mayer.

Please, call me Susan.

I just wanted you to know what happened between me and Carl, things got out of hand because I thought your marriage was over.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. I really am.

Thank you.

Mary Alice: And though it came from an unexpected source, Susan finally got the apology she'd always wanted.


Let me take those.

You're wearing a really big hat.

Yes, I am.

Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means that we've got only about 45 minutes until they actually find Nemo, so I suggest that we make the most of it.

By reliving your night out with the guys?


I'm trying.

You look...

Ridiculous in that thing.

Sexy ridiculous?


Ha ha ha.

I can live...

With maybe.


You know, it's going to take more than just this one night.

I know.


Looks like we have an audience.

Ha ha.

Let 'em look.

As long as they don't try and cut in.

Dr. Goldfine.

Bree. We're not scheduled now, are we?

I didn't have time to make an appointment.

Rex moved out today.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that, but unfortunately, I'm completely booked right now.

I don't need much time. It just seems that you have more insight into my situation than I do, and I just think...

Bree, we can't talk now.

If you could just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem.

I can't do that. It's completely unethical.

Well, why can't you...

That's my next appointment.

You really need to go.

Dr. Goldfine, please.

Hold on. I'll go and talk to my client.

Dr. Goldfine: I understand completely.

I'll... I'll be out in just a minute.

Bree, I'm... I'm sorry. He can't wait, but I can see you first thing in the morning... -00.


Sorry to interrupt.


Yes, I remember the world.

What I remember most is how afraid I was.

What a waste.

You see, to live in fear is not to live at all.

I wish I could tell this to those I left behind...

But would it do any good?

Yes, there will always be those who face their fears...

And there will always be those who run away.