Desperate Housewives S1E4 Script

Who's That Woman? (2004)

Anybody home?

Previously on "Desperate Housewives,"

Susan played with fire...

That's not my cup.

And could get burned.

Go to a spa or go shopping.

Find a way to relax.

Get here as fast as you can.

Gabrielle found herself a playmate.

Lynette couldn't get her kids to stop playing.

Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?

Yeah, I have a theory.

If I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.

And Bree played hardball.

Everyone has a little dirty laundry.

Mary Alice: When I was alive, I maintained many different identities...

Lover, wife, and ultimately, victim.

Yes, labels are important to the living.

They dictate how people see themselves, like my friend Lynette.

She used to see herself as a career woman, and a hugely successful one at that.

She was known for her power lunches, her eye-catching presentations, and her ruthlessness in wiping out the competition.

But Lynette gave up her career to assume a new label...

The incredibly satisfying role of full-time mother.

Scavo residence.

Yes, this is me.

But unfortunately for Lynette, this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised.

How in the world did they...

I left the door to the art supply cupboard open for five minutes.

That's all.

Five minutes.

The little girl... Why didn't she say anything?

Your boys work quickly.

Well...

Obviously, they will be punished for this... severely.

I hesitate bringing this up, since you got so ugly about it last time...

They don't have attention-deficit disorder, and I'm not going to drug my boys just to make your job easier.

I'd rather change teachers.

The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher who can handle them.

What if we separate the twins?

Put them in different classes?

They're much calmer when they're not bouncing off one another.

We can try that.

But if it doesn't work, we may no longer be able to accommodate them.

It suddenly occurred to Lynette her label was about to change yet again...

Come on.

And for the next few years, she would be known as...

The mother of the boys who painted Tiffany axelrod blue.


It looked to be an interesting afternoon on Wisteria Lane.

A mysterious cassette tape had been discovered by my friend Bree.

She had stolen it from her marriage counselor, a counselor I'd once spoken to in strictest confidence.

Dr. Goldfine: So how have you been?

I had the nightmare again.

It's so weird to hear Mary Alice.

Still the same one.

Yes, but this time, I was standing in a river, and I saw the girl under the water, and she kept screaming "Angela" over and over again.

So what do you think the significance of the name Angela is?

Actually, that's my real name.

Her real name?

That doesn't make any sense.

I've seen her driver's license. It did not say Angela.

Bree, what does it say on the rest of the tape?

Just more about her nightmares and this girl she was afraid of.

So what the hell do we do now?

I think we should show Paul the note.

Are you sure? He's going to freak.

Well, it's now or never.

I mean, I saw what he's asking for the place.

It's going to sell quickly.

Can I say something?

I'm glad Paul's moving.

Gabby.

I'm sorry. He's just always given me the creeps.

Haven't you guys noticed he has this dark thing going on?

There's something about him that just feels...

Malignant?

Yes.

We've all sort of felt it.

That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn.

Mom, the dish is clean.

Huh? Oh.

I still don't understand why you don't just ask him out on an officialdatedate.

Oh, I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get.

How long do you think you can keep that up?

Oh, maybe until noon.

Then I'm going to have to run over there and beg him to love me.

Ha ha.

Uh, mom, I don't think you're going to be able to wait that long.

You got to be kidding. She washed her car yesterday.

♪ My body screams and hollers ♪

♪ Every time I see you shake ♪

♪ The sexy way that you wiggle ♪ Oh, no, she's not.

Yep.

She's bringing out the big guns.

♪ Shake your body now ♪

♪ You can move it ♪

♪ Just move it for me, move it ♪

♪ Shake your body now ♪ You'd better get over there.

She's wearing cotton.

What am I supposed to say to Mike...

"I saw you half-naked, and I thought I'd drop by"?

What's that? A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake.

I held onto it in case of an emergency.

God bless you.

Hi.

Hey, Susan.

We, um, got this by mistake.

Oh, thanks.

I hope it's not important.

I don't know. It's just a promotion for the rialto.

They're having a film festival.

Oh.

Well, guess I've done my good deed for the day.

Ha ha.

I'll just head back home.

Bye.

Hey, you like old movies?

I love old movies. Ha.

I hate Susan Mayer.

Every time I see those big Doe eyes of hers, I swear to god, I just want to go out and shoot a deer.

What has she done this time?

She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino... again.

Susan likes Mike?

Where the hell have you been, Martha?

She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in.

I got your message. What's going on?

The boys refuse to be separated.

They refuse?

They're 6 years old. Make them.

Well, school regulations are pretty strict about me wrestling with the boys.

But if you want to give it a shot...

Be my guest.

Fine.

Which one goes and which one stays?

You pick.

Boy: No!

Lynette: You need to be in separate classrooms.

But we want to be in the same one!

Honey, come on now. Stop it. Let go!

No!

We're going to take the whole table!

That's right!

No. Come on now. I mean it!

I love taking baths, especially with you.

It's like taking a vacation from the world.

I hated taking baths when I was a kid.

Of course, back then, the only thing I had to play with was my rubber ducky. Oh.

Who's that?

It's Mr. Solis.

Relax.

Carlos is at work, and he doesn't ring the doorbell.

It's the cable guy.

He's three hours late.

Use the side entrance.

Mary Alice: Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended.

What she didn't know was John had left behind a souvenir.

I'm telling you, dad didn't come home last night.

They had a fight... a bad one.

How bad?

Like divorce court bad.

Listen to her.

She always overcompensates when she's worried.

If dad moves out and leaves us with her, I'll lose my mind.

Ah.

Dinner is on the table.

Mom, where'd dad go last night?

He got a last-minute call to speak at a medical conference in Philadelphia.

Take your seats.

This marriage is so over.

Andrew?

Again, sorry I was late. The scheduler overbooked me.

How long are you going to be?

Almost done.

What is that scent?

Is that sage and citrus? It's amazing.

Try to hurry. I have stuff to do.

Come on.

Aah!

What's happening?

The cable guy fell. He hit his head on the tub.

He may have a concussion.

It's almost 8:00.

He was late.


Mrs. Huber.

Hello, Susan. I made you a pie.

Oh, wow. Why?

Do I need a motive to do something nice?

I can't wait for you to try this. It's mincemeat.

Actually, I just had dinner.

That's okay. You can save it for later.

Ha ha ha.

What's so funny?

I was just thinking of that expression

"I'll make mincemeat out of you."

Mincemeat...

Used to be an entrée made up of mostly chopped meat, so it was like saying

"I'll chop you up into little bits."

Ha ha.

But that was centuries ago.

Today, mincemeat is mostly made up of fruit, spices, and rum.

There's no meat in it, and still people say

"I'll make mincemeat out of you."

I don't know that people really say that anymore.

I do.

So, Susan, how are you?

I'm fine.

Good.

You know, I have a confession to make.

I've always wished I'd have been more supportive when Carl left you.

Oh, you don't have to apologize about Carl.

Really, Carl and I are over. I've moved on.

Yes, I know. You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino.

He's quite a catch, isn't he?

You like him, don't you?

Uh, sure, as a friend.

Oh, Susan.

Being coy is a strategy best employed by virgins at their first dance.

For women of our age, it's just annoying.

Are you sure you don't want pie?

No, thank you.

I hope it works out with you and Mike.

You've been so desperate to land him.

What do you...

I am not desperate.

Oh, good lord, Susan, you burned your rival's house down.

If that isn't desperate, I don't know what is.

Mrs. Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy.

What's that?

I think you recognize it.

I found it in the ruins of Edie's home.

Well, that's not...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. My point is this...

I wasn't there for you when Carl left, but I'm here for you now.

As far as I'm concerned, this is our secret, and no one ever need know.

Oh, Susan...

You don't know how good it feels to finally be able to help you.

You look so pale.

Now, I insist you try some of my pie.

Go on.

Did I mention it's mincemeat?

Open the door, please.

Hang on.

What?

May I come in?

No.

Well, I want to talk to you.

Then talk.

Where were you last night?

Brian's.

I just spoke to Brian's mother.

Now tell me again where you were last night, and this time, don't lie to me.

Where'd you say dad was again?

In Philadelphia?

Andrew, don't change the subject.

I'm sorry. I-I thought the subject was telling lies.

I called dad's cell phone. I know he moved out.

Well, it's just temporary, and...

I thought it would upset you, so I was protecting you.

Whatever. You lied, so stop pretending like you have some sort of moral authority.

Andrew, just because I chose not to share my marital problems with you does not give you the right to be rude.

How about driving my father away?

Do I get to be rude then?


Hi.

What's this?

That's a sock.

It's a man's sock.

I found it under our bed. It's not mine.

Oh, for god's sakes, Carlos, it's yao lin's.

Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?

No, she dusts with them.

See?

Socks instead of rags.

Susan, hello.

Mrs. Huber.

Did you and Mike come together?

I saw him over in the fresh produce aisle.

No, like I told you before, we're just friends.

Oh.

By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday, I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of.

Hey, Susan. Hey, Ms. Huber.

Nice to see you, Mike.

Hey.

You like Alfred Hitchcock?

They're doing a retrospective down at the rialto.

Uh...

I'm not really a fan.

Oh, come on. How can you not like Hitchcock?

I just, uh...

Don't. Ha ha.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, uh, nice to see you.

You too, Ms. Huber.

You're so silly.

Pretending not to like him on my account...

I mean, really.

Will you just drop it?

You shouldn't be rude to me, Susan.

Your secret is not an easy burden to bear.

That insurance company is putting Edie through hell, but still, I've said nothing.

Well...

And the longer it takes for her to get payment, the longer she'll be staying with me, eating me out of house and home, using up my hot water.

What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs. Huber?

Uh, are these together?

Ring it up.

If the school and the pediatrician both think the twins could stand to be medicated, then what's the problem?

I used to run a company with 85 people, and now I can't wrangle three small boys without doping them.

Talk about feeling like a failure.

Lynette, you are a great mother, but let's face it, your kids are...

A challenge.

Ha ha.

Thank you.

That's the nicest way you could have said that.

You know, the truth is, when they're not making me want to tear my hair out, they're actually really sweet.

I'm afraid if I change the bad stuff, I'm going to change the good stuff.

Yeah, it's a tough call.

Like this mug.

I love this mug.

If I medicate them, are they still going to make me a mug like this?

You know, it's leaking.

Yeah, I know.

We talked to Paul. We told him we need to show him something.

He's on his way over.

Paul: Thank you.

So, Paul, we noticed that you're selling the house.

Yes, uh, too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand.

Well, before you move, we thought there was something you should know.

It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's death than you were aware of.

Oh?

Remember when you asked us to pack her things?

Well, when we did, we found a note.

And we think that you should have it.

You can see from the postmark Mary Alice probably got it the day she died.


Paul, are you going to be okay?

No.


Have you always cleaned with socks?

Yes.

What is that, a Japanese thing?

I am Chinese.

I don't like lying.

Yeah, well, I don't like your ironing, so there.

Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here?

Carlos found this under the bed.

Oh, crap.

It's okay.

It was a close call, but I managed to cover.

I got you these. So from now on, we can't let Carlos see you around the house wearing anything resembling a gym sock.

You want me to mow your lawn in sandals? Mm-hmm.

I could lose a toe.

Imagine what you would lose if Carlos finds out you're trimming more than the hedges.

Uh, yeah.

Why are your friends staring at me?

Did you tell them about us?

No.

They're staring 'cause they think you're hot.

Oh.

Okay.

It's 9:30. What is your brother thinking?

Want my advice? Call dad.

Go tell him to kick Andrew's ass.

I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father.

Sorry.

Where's your cell phone?

Call Andrew and find out where he is.

Mom, he's going to know you're behind this.

No, he won't. Just act normal.

Hey, it's me.

Uh, what's going on?

He knows.

Andrew, this is your mother.

I am rapidly reaching the end of my Patience with you.

Where are you?

Are you at a bar?

Andrew.

Andrew?

Mom?

He hung up on me.

What are you going to do?


Man: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Works for me!

Shake it, baby!

Over here!

Heath.

Ian.

Andrew.

Mom, how did you even know I was here?

You went in my room?

You think that's bad?

Tomorrow morning I'm cleaning it.

Oh, by the way, Heath, I didn't get a chance to tell you, that was a lovely solo last week at church.

Thank you.

W-We're out of here.

I hope it wasn't something I said.

Well, Andrew...

Shall we?

You just humiliated me in front of my friends.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Fine.

What are you doing?

I'm staying for the show.

I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about.

Uh, excuse me, waitress, I'll have a glass of your house chardonnay. Yes, ma'am.

I-I'm curious, Andrew, as you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop and think how she came to be on this runway?

That's someone's little girl, and that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her, dreams that did not include a thong and a pole.

It's not going to work, okay?

I'm not budging.

God only knows what she's had to deal with in her life...

Abject poverty, drugs, domestic violence, maybe even molestation.

Mom.

And now she treats herself the way other men treat her...

Like an object, a piece of meat.

That does it.

Kid, get her out of here.

She's killing it for the rest of us.

Susan's voice: We're not here. Leave a message.

Mrs. Huber: It's Mrs. Huber, Susan. Are you there?

I can see your lights are on.

I hope you're not screening. That's so tacky.

Listen, I need to talk to you.

My water heater just burst, and it's going to cost me $600 to get a new one, and I can't afford that.

I'm just beside myself.

Call me as soon as you get in.

Julie, Julie, honey, wake up.

We need to talk.

Can't this wait until morning?

I think I'm being blackmailed.

And when I realized I couldn't put out the fire, I ran.

I must have dropped the measuring cup in the process.

Mm. Why do I even let you out of the house?

Obviously, I can't let her get away with this.

The only thing to do is go to the police and tell them what happened. You can't do that.

Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail.

I mean, it was an accident.

Dad won't care if it was an accident.

You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody.

Mom...

I don't want to live with dad.

I know.


I need to talk to you.

Cool. Sure.

You were working Tuesday, right?

Yeah.

You remember the cable guy showing up?

And you usually work till what time... -00?

Yeah.

Damn it.

It means he was in the house for four hours.

Wait, um...

You know, now that I think about it, I might not have seen him.

Well, either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it?

I didn't.

John...

Did my wife ask you to lie for her?

Mr. Solis, uh...

I really don't want to get in the middle of anything.

Thank you.

That's all I needed to know.

Okay, let's run through it one more time.

Mom, it's not brain surgery.

You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs. Huber's doggie door.

Once inside, I'll find the measuring cup. Simple.

Mm, god.

I hate that I'm turning you into a little thief.

It's our measuring cup. We're just taking back what's ours.

Hey, that's right.

Ethically, we have nothing to be ashamed about.

Oh, wear these.

I don't want you to leave fingerprints.

There she goes.

Okay, move.

Oh, so glad to be playing frisbee again.

Here you go. Coming at you.

Ha ha ha ha.

All right, back up a little more.

There you go.

Whoo! All right, here we go.

Oh, my!

Whoops! Ha.

You better go get that. Yeah.

Ha.

Mike.

Hey, Susan. I thought that was you.

Uh, yeah.

Julie and I are just out tossing the frisbee around, and it flew off into Mrs. Huber's backyard.

Oh, you need some help?

No. No, no, no. Uh, Julie's got it.

Okay.

Actually, I'm glad I ran into you.

I just wanted to make sure that things were okay between us.

The other day, you seemed kind of distant.

Distant? What do you mean?

I mean, you're not mad at me for some reason, are you?

No.

No, no, not at all. Ha ha.

Good. So I'm going to take one more shot at this.

I got tickets for a Billy Wilder retrospective Wednesday night. I'd love to take you with me.

You are so sweet. I would love to go.

Ha ha.

All right.

Edie. I thought you'd be at work.

I'm not feeling well.

I got a sunburn the other day washing my car.

Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us.

Boy, you are one sick ticket.

What?

It's not bad enough that I have to watch you throw yourself at him every day, and now you want to make sure that I see it up close and personal?

No, it's not like that.

I've got to take off, but I'll call you about Wednesday night, okay?

Edie, wait.

Uh...

Mike and I were going to go see the movies on Wednesday, and I just thought it would be fun if you joined us.

You want me to come with you?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's okay, isn't it, Mike?

Well, it's, uh, a limited engagement, and it's sold out. I've only got two tickets.

Edie, wait.

Um...

You should take my ticket.

Ha ha.

Really?

Is that okay with you, Mike?

Uh...

Yeah, sure.

So, um...

What time do you want to pick me up?

Well, um...

Hang on.

Ooh.

You think you can have sex with anyone you want, huh?

Mary Alice: Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself.

After all, he'd just defended his honor.

Or had he?

Are you gay?

Yes.

Is that why you're doing this?

Uh, yeah.

I'm going to call everyone and be like, "can you buy some chocolates?"

Paul: Ladies.

Hey, Paul. What's up?

I wanted to apologize for my outburst yesterday.

Don't worry about it. We unloaded a lot on you.

I suppose you're wondering why I reacted so violently to that note.

It did cross our minds.

Well, the truth is Mary Alice was not a well person.

She was very troubled.

Troubled?

At first, it was harmless.

She would leave herself notes, reminders like "pick up the milk" or "Zach has a dentist appointment."

But over time, the notes became ugly.

Hateful messages started showing up.

Mary Alice was writing them to me, to Zach, to herself.

Really?

That's why I lost it.

I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through.

Paul, I'm so sorry.

We had no idea.

No.

Well, anyway, uh, I'd appreciate it if you kept this to yourselves.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

For Zach's sake. Of course, of course.

Yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

Wow.

Yeah.

I think he's lying.

So do I.


Bang! Bang! Bang!

You... you didn't get me!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang!

Boys, could you get in here, please?

He broke my plane.

Did not.

We'll talk about that later.

Right now, I need you to take some medicine.

Are we sick?

Not exactly. This is a special kind of medicine.

It's... it's like a vitamin, and you'll take it every day, okay?

Okay.

Oops.

Stay right there.

Now open up.

Mnh-mnh.

Here, you... no way.

Guys, this isn't funny.

Guy... here.

No.

Mnh-mnh.

Mary Alice: In that moment, Lynette made a decision.

When it came to dealing with her children, medication was no longer an option.

Of course, given her continuing level of frustration, Lynette also felt a little self-medication couldn't hurt.

So what's your strategy?

Are you just never going to speak to me again?

Something like that.

I suppose I do owe you an apology.

Careful.

Wouldn't want you to strain yourself.

I shouldn't have lied to you about your father.

You and your sister are old enough to handle the truth, and I'm sorry.

Keep going.

I'm mad at you for about 7,000 other things.

If you think I'm going to apologize for taking you out of a strip club, you're wrong.

I consider it one of my finest moments.

Oh, Andrew.

I know you blame me for what's happening with your father, but...

It's not entirely my fault, and I need you to understand that.

I do.

I just...

I don't want him to leave.

Neither do I.

Mom?

Yeah?

When can I have my door back?

Three months.

Royal oaks was the scene of a hate crime today when Jonathan lisco, local gay activist and part-time female impersonator, was brutally attacked in his home.

Lisco speculated the attack was in response to his efforts to secure same-sex partner insurance coverage from his employer Cliffside cable.

Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant.

Jonathan: I have to say, you know, certain acts just speak for themselves.

I've taken a strong stand with my company...

Is there something you want to ask me?

No.

You took it, didn't you?

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

It's my own fault for not hiding the cup.

Obviously, if you're capable of arson, I should have known you'd be capable of breaking and entering.

I don't know what you're talking about, Mrs. Huber.

I suppose you destroyed it.

Again, I don't know what you're talking about, but, yeah. I did.

I was going to keep your secret.

It's a shame you couldn't trust me.

You're a piece of work.

You know that?

Oh, Susan, let's not be unpleasant.

We can go back to the same friendly relationship we've always had.

I will keep my lawn looking nice, and I will make sure that my music isn't played too loud, and if I get some of your mail, heck, I'll run it right over, 'cause that's what good neighbors do.

But from now on, when I run into you on the street and I say "good morning, Mrs. Huber," or "how are you, Mrs. Huber?"

Just know that inside, I am quietly but decidedly hating your guts.

Careful, dear.

Let's not say things we'll live to regret.

Good evening, Mrs. Huber.

He actually said Mary Alice was crazy?

Not in so many words, but everything Paul said certainly made it seem like she was schizophrenic.

I think he's hiding something. I know it.

But wait. What about the tape?

I mean, she did say that her name was Angela.

Mary Alice was not crazy.

Well, my father was a prosecutor, and he always said that the simplest explanation was usually the right one.

But remember what the note said...

"I know what you did.

It makes me sick, and I'm going to tell."

That's not the kind of thing someone writes to themselves.

That's a message sent by an enemy.

So exactly what is it you hired me to do?

It's very simple, really...

Someone sent that note to my wife, and I need to know who.

What type of person would send such a note?

Was it an enemy?

Of course.

But what kind?

An acquaintance?

A stranger?

Or how about...

A neighbor that lives a few feet away?