Desperate Housewives S2E1 Script

Next (2005)

Previously on...

You're awfully brave buying a place site unseen.

We could tell from the advertisement it was just what we were looking for. Sometimes...

Who ever said you were the father?

Didn't you think it was strange that you have the only lawn on Wisteria Lane that needed to be mowed three times a week?

I am going to kill you!

The truth about our loved ones...

You asked Peterson's wife to make sure he wouldn't promote me so I quit. I'm gonna be a stay-at-home dad.

We should... talk about this.

You're goin' back to work.

Can lead you into harm's way.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

You are gonna come through this operation just fine.


Rex passed away about ten minutes ago.

I'm so sorry.

Mr. Delfino took my dad away to kill him.

Now I'm gonna kill Mr. Delfino.

It was an accepted fact among the residents of Wisteria Lane that ida Greenberg liked her liquor.

People had seen her drunk at sewing bees...

The department of motor vehicles...

And the first methodist church.


Ida had tried to quit drinking many times, but she couldn't.

Then one night in a moment of despair, she challenged god to quench her never-ending thirst.

Luckily for ida, god was listening.

Zach, listen to me.


Not so tough now, are you?

Uh! Ow! Oh! Bongo, no!

Bongo! Bongo!


It was at that moment it occurred to ida god may work in mysterious ways, but he isn't particularly subtle.


It had been a year since my death, and a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane.

Children had learned new games.

New neighbors had moved in.

Old houses had been rebuilt...

I told you guys twice. Okay, Craig, what's goin' on?

And fresh tragedies had occurred.

In one house, a widow was getting ready to tell her friends of her husband's passing.

But until the time was right, she would wait.

And life, as it tends to do, would go on.

I look like hell. I need a hairbrush.

Yeah, um, ahem, that's not gonna help.

Susan, officer romslove is here for your statement.

Zach young do that?

No. She fell. Bit her lip. It was an accident.


So, uh, walk me through what happened.

Well, I went over to Mike's to feed the dog.

I'm sorry? Feed the dog.


And I turned around, and there was Zach young... And that's Zach with an "h"...

Pointing a gun at me.

The doctor said keep that in.

You gotta understand, Zach's had a tough time.

He's got emotional issues... 'cause he's crazy.

Still, I don't think he meant to hurt anybody.

Uh, hello! Uh, he was waiting there for you to come home so he could kill you.

Is that what happened when you got home?

The kid took a shot at you?

Actually, Susan fired the gun.

That's because I was wrestling it away from Zach so that he wouldn't shoot you.

Oh, there's blood.

Could we do this later? She's kind of a mess right now.


Yeah, I think I can fill in the rest for you.

I'd appreciate it. You feel better, Mrs. Mayer.


Ow! That hurts.

I'm gonna get you more ice.


No, I'm tellin' you.

Susan really flew off the handle when she jumped the kid.

So you're saying this was more of a domestic squabble?

Definitely, yeah.

Are we required to press charges?

Well, you're not really required, but it's something you should really consider when a handgun is involved.


Howdid you get in here?

I know where you keep the key.


No, I'm pregnant, you jackass. I made yours with seltzer.

Do you have any idea what you've done?

That little stunt you pulled yesterday in the courtroom could get Carlos sent away for eight years.

Yeah, I thought you might be a little mad about that.

But once you calm down, you'll see that it's just the two of us.

It's gonna be awesome.

You brought luggage?

He's gone. We don't have to sneak around anymore.

We can have a real relationship.

It's what's best for the three of us.

The three of us? How exactly does that benefit Carlos?

I'm talking about my baby.

You don't know it's your baby.

I don't even know it's your baby.

And I don't wanna know 'cause it doesn't matter.

So what, you don't love me?

Well, up until the point that you told my husband we were having an affair, I was quite fond of you.

Since then...

Not a fan!



Oh, why on earth would you let them finger paint before breakfast?

It's my job to clean that up now, so it's my call, right?

You're right. I'm sorry.

Hey, I thought the meeting wasn't until 1.

Oh, I have a thousand things to do before that...

Borrow a decent scarf from Bree, buy a lipstick I don't hate... mommy, mommy, look!

Aah! No! No!

No, nobody touches mommy, okay?

I love you, I love your finger painting, but if you touch me with those messy hands, I will cut them off. Go on. Off. Good.

It's okay.

A little nervous?

Who, me?

I've been out of work for seven years, I'm a woman of a certain age in a business that values youth above all else.

Why should I be nervous?

You are experienced.

You are brilliant.

You are going to nail this job interview, okay?

Thank you.

Uh, no. I can't... You're very... so...


Thank you. Here.


Oh, my cell phone.

Lynette, hi, it's Bree.

I do hope I'm not calling too early.


Oh, of course you can borrow that scarf.

I'll press it for you.

Um, I have, uh, some news.

Rex died.

I thought they were gonna operate. What happened?

Apparently Rex's heart just gave out.

Oh, my god.

So when can we see Bree?

She said she was gonna call.

She's got a lot of things to do, planning for the funeral, that sort of thing.

She doesn't look that busy to me.

Hi, hi. What are you doing out here?

Oh, I'm just waiting for, uh, Rex's mother.

She's gonna be here any second.

Honey, we are so sorry.

Oh, do one of you drink soy milk?

I was cleaning out the fridge this morning, and Rex is the only one who drinks it.

I just bought it on Friday. I'd hate to throw it away.

What a waste.

Oh, sweetie.

Honey, you can let it out.

No. No, I can't afford to fall apart right now.


You're about to find out.


Oh, stop here. This is the house.

Is that...

Yes, that is Rex's mother.

I can't believe it.

It's like some hideous nightmare.

My life is over!

My life is over!

It appears there's a 7-year gap since your last position.

What, did you take some time off?

I was a stay-at-home mom.

I wish it had been time off.

Boy or girl?

A girl...

And three boys.

Four kids?

Yeah, of course, they won't get in the way of the job because my husband's staying home with them from now on.

I knew I could never do both jobs justice.

That's why I chose not to have a family.

I didn't want to be one ofthosekind of women...

You know, sloughing things off onto coworkers because of a pediatrician appointment or a dance recital.

I get really neurotic about putting people out.

With all due respect, Nina, won't be an issue.

I can leave home at home.

And it's not gonna break your heart to leave those sad little faces behind?

Are you kidding?

This office is paradise...

Grown-ups talking about grown-up things.

No screaming, no vomiting, no boogers under the table.

You're gonna have to drag me outta here kicking and screaming...

Weekends, holidays, whenever.

All right, ed wants to make the final decision.

So I will bring you back tomorrow at 3 for a follow-up.

Well, that... That sounds great. Thank you...

Lynette, be early. Show me something.


No way. Dad did not have a Teddy bear.

He most certainly did.

Oh, that was Doolittle.

Your father never went anywhere without him.

Here's your tea, Phyllis.



Look, Bree.

This was the tie that Rex wore when he graduated from prep school.

I think he should wear it.

You know, for the funeral?

Phyllis, that's an orange tie.

Well, those were his school colors...

Green and orange.

Well, um, he's being buried in a blue suit.

Maybe he could be buried in a different suit.

I don't think so, but thank you, though.

You, uh, you kept dad's old comic books?

Oh, yes, I kept everything.

Look here.

I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress.

He didn't think I knew about it, but I did.

Well, looks like dad was into big breasts.

Oh, yes.

That's why I was surprised when he married your mother.

So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it?


I don't need to talk.

Okay. Yes, I had a little affair.

It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it.

But it's not the worst thing that could have happened.

Nobody died.

Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos.

Okay, it takes two people.

How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone?

See, so technically, you cheated, too.

It's just your mistress was your work.

No, okay.

That was a stretch. I'm sorry.

Carlos, wait! Come back. Look, I wanna start over.

We're gonna have a baby.

Isn't that what you always wanted?

Carlos, wait!

I said I was sorry and I love you!

What more do you want?!

I want a paternity test.

Mrs. Applewhite, hi.

I am Bree Van De Kamp, and this is my daughter Danielle.

Hello. Hi.

Hey, I'm Matthew. This is my son.

Hi. I would have been over sooner to introduce myself, but I'm afraid there's been a death in my family.

My dad.

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad, too.

I know what you must be going through right now.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'm afraid that my visit has an ulterior motive.

The organist at our church is on vacation, and Edie britt mentioned that you used to be a concert pianist, and...

I would be honored to play for you.

Why don't I bring some sheet music over later and we can plan some selections?

Thank you. That's just a huge weight off my shoulders.

Oh, these are for you.

How sweet.

Bree, we widows have to stick together.


Pretending your father's dead?

Don't you find that a little morbid?

Well, I just thought it could help our cover story, okay?

Just, you know, win 'em over.

Oh, sweetie. I know you meant well.

But in the future, you leave the cleverness to me.

Since when are we protected by dorset security?

Oh, we're not.

It's a deterrent in case Zach comes back.

I told Mike I didn't sleep last night, so he got me this sign. That guy is so supportive.

You know he's out right now in a ride-along with the police searching for Zach?


Yeah. He's determined to see that kid behind bars.

So tomorrow at school I want you to let everybody know that we got this new, expensive security system. Mom, just...

Work it into the conversation.

You know, put the word out there. I've gotta tell you something.

Emphasize the motion detectors. Mom, stop, stop.

Listen. What? What is it?

Yesterday I overheard Mike telling that cop that he didn't wanna press charges against Zach.

He made the whole thing sound like it was your fault.


Hi. Uh, I need a paternity test.

Well, we'll just schedule you for an exam.

Oh, no, no. I-I don't need totakea test.

I am just trying to reassure my husband of what I know is true in my heart.

So if you could just slip me someone else's test results, I could make my own.

I got Photoshop for Christmas.

Oh, come on.

You look like a fun-loving girl.

I am sure you've been in a couple hairy situations of your own.

Just because I choose to express myself doesn't mean that I condone adultery.



Paternity test results?

I know. I'm in the same situation.



I just found out the clinic screwed up and gave me an egg that belonged to some lesbian.

It was supposed to be implanted in her lover, and now my husband's freaking out because he thinks that our baby's gonna be gay!

Okay. We're in slightly different situations.

But do you wanna get a cup of coffee and talk about it?

Yeah. That'd be nice. Thanks.

Yeah. Us girls have to stick together.

We shouldn't let that stupid piece of paper ruin our life.


Obviously, I've known Rex for years, but when it comes to writing a eulogy, I like as much input from the family as possible.

Oh. Well, um, what kind of input?

Oh, well, he means anecdotes, little stories.

Isn't that what you mean, reverend?

Well, yes, but, uh, also...

I thought that you might need some help, so last night I stayed up all night and tried to remember funny things and moments that said so much about Rex as a person.

My. How... how many pages do you have there?


Well, you're hardly going to have to write anything at all, reverend.

Some of those anecdotes are just priceless.

Phyllis, these are all things that happened to Rex before he went to college.


Well, don't you think it'd be nice if reverend devoted part of the eulogy to his life after he was married?

Oh, well, yes, of course.

The reverend will mention that part of his life.

He's going to do more than mention it.

That's the part he'll focus on.

In fact, I think three anecdotes from Rex's childhood is more than enough. Um, that... that seems fair.

Well, whatever you think is appropriate.


I just thought if we were going to focus on a time in Rex's life, that we might as well focus on the happiest time.

Let's talk flowers.

Now I know lilies are traditional, but I think I can get you a deal on some white roses.

Reverend, if you don't call her on that incredibly insensitive comment, I'm gonna lose it.

I'm sure she didn't mean it the way it sounded.

I knew exactly what I was saying.

Ladies... the happiest time in Rex's life was not his childhood.

He loved being a husband, and he loved being a father.

Well, he may have loved being a father, but your marriage was a disaster.

Phyllis, is there something you'd like to say?

You made the last years of Rex's life miserable, and now he's dead, and he'll never have another chance at happiness.

You are no longer invited to the funeral.


You're not serious. Oh, yes, I am.

I am going to hire security, and those security men are going to have sticks, and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.

Bree, this is your grief talking...

Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church. Bree!

I am not kidding.

I will go nondenominational so fast, it will make your head spin.


Susan, I heard what happened with Zach.

How are you doing?

Fine. Is Mike here?


Jeez. You must have been terrified.

I mean, he put poor Felicia in the hospital.

Did he pistol-whip you? No.

Oh, come on. You can tell me.

Did he slap you around?


Well, don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled that you're okay.

It's just that when someone holds someone else hostage, they usually rough 'em up a little.

It wasn't like that.


Not even a little kicking?


Someone to see you.

Well, hey, how's it goin'?

Good. So there's a rumor going around that you don't wanna press charges against Zach.

Is that true?


Wow. Um... I find that... Confusing.

Look, if we make a big deal out of this, he could end up going to prison.

He held a gun to my face, so I'm thinking, "good."

I've been to prison. He couldn't handle it.

Who cares? I care.

Well, you should care more about me.

I'm your girlfriend. We're moving in together.

He's just a neighbor. You don't even know Zach.

I know enough about him to know that deep down, he's a good kid.

Mike, he wanted to kill you.

But he didn't.

You never asked me why Zach wanted to shoot you.

Aren't you curious? Does it matter?

Zach said you kidnapped his father so you could kill him. I didn't kill Paul young.

I didn't think you did. Now tell me why Zach does.

I found some evidence that suggested that Paul murdered Deirdre.

16 years ago Deirdre had a baby, and Paul and Mary Alice young kidnapped him and raised him as their own.

Deirdre tracked him down here to Wisteria Lane and demanded her baby back. So Paul killed her?

Actually, it was Mary Alice.

Oh, my god.


I answered your phone.

It's the police.

Yeah. Delfino.

You did?

Okay, I can be there in 20 minutes.

Zach's dead.

They want me to come identify the body.

Thanks for coming down.

Since the kid's father is missing, we didn't know who else to call.

So... you folks ready?

That's not Zach.

You're sure?

He had a gun in my face for six hours.

I know what he looks like.

Can you give us a minute?


Zach is your son, isn't he?


I'm pretty sure.

How long have you known?

Paul young told me.

Deirdre got pregnant before I went to jail and, um, told me she had an abortion.

Guess she lied.

I see.

When I took Paul out to the desert, and I was so angry, I just wanted to hurt him...

The way they hurt Deirdre.

But then when he told me that he and Mary Alice had taken care of Deirdre's baby...


That rage just went away.

Kept me from doing something really stupid.


I'm gonna take a cab home, okay?

Mom, grandma's leaving, all right?

You have to talk to her.

No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me...

Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, okay?

But she's family, so that makes her our bitch.

Let her say good-bye to dad.

She went out of her way to be cruel to me.

I don't want her at the funeral.

Mom, if you don't let grandma come, I will never forgive you.

Did I ask for your help?

You know dad would want her there.

It's true Rex and I did not have the perfect marriage, but for 18 years I tried my very best, and for that I am entitled to your respect.

Of course you are.

Of course I respect you.

Well, then why did you say those things to me?

I guess I thought it would be easier to be angry at you than to be angry with Rex.

I mean, what was he thinking, leaving me?

I do want you to come to the funeral.


You don't know what that means to me, Bree.

Thank you.

Someone should get my luggage.

Okay, let's get outta here. Tom?



What's the matter?

My back... I threw it out. I was holding Parker upside down.

Okay. Come on. Give me your feet.

How's that? Is that better?

Honey, can you push the interview?

Because I don't think I'm gonna be able to take care of penny like this. Don't do this to me.

I don't have time to make a phone call, and I promised that woman I would not let the kids interfere with this job. But that was a stupid promise.


Remember that time when you were away in Tucson, and I had a 104 fever, but I still managed to take the kids trick-or-treating?


I don't think that's helping.


Tom, being a mom is like being an E.R. doctor.

There are no days off, so get up! Get up!


Jeez, are you crying?

Just a little.

I'll be fine. You just... go. Just go.

Oh, for god sakes.

Give 'em hell, honey.


Hi, Mrs. Scavo. You can wait inside.

They'll be right in. Great.

Listen, uh...

Stu. Stu.

You look like a bright, uh, responsible young man, and I bet you just love kids. Am I right?


Ed ferrara, Lynette Scavo.

Thanks so much for having me in.

Nice to meet you. Please, sit.

Thank you.

We're gonna have to make this quick.

I gotta leave in five to catch a plane.

I got Celtic tickets on the floor.

This is a great résumé.

I see you worked with the donahues.

You know, I snaked the Oslo candy account from 'em last year.

So you've done a lot of copy work?

I have. But when I moved over to cenn and Simmons, um, I got to do a broader range of campaigns.



Uh, v...

And... uh...


Uh, billboards.

Could you excuse me for a minute?


What's going on?

I have no idea.

Stu, you are an idiot.

You're an idiot, an absolute idiot.


Ha! Guys, I'd like you to meet penny.

She gives me all my best ideas.

You brought your baby to the interview.

It won't be an ongoing thing. You bet it won't.

Nina, it's fine.

Any chance we can get that little lady to be quiet?

Not until I change her diaper.

Could you just give me two minutes?

Sorry. Plane. Well...

Then watch me multitask.

Here's how I see it.

You guys run a really good shop, but if you want your agency to go to the next level, you have to focus on two things.

First, you've gotta win some awards.

Do some p.S.A.S, pro bono stuff, whatever it takes, because whether they admit it or not, clients care about what's in your trophy case.

Two... your web site.

It's the first thing a client's gonna look at, and it's hard to navigate. There's no site map.

It just wasn't built for people who grow up without computers.

There. And third...

I don't have a third.

Yeah, so that's... it.


You're in.



Take the office across the hall. I gotta run.

Well, all right!

Okay, obviously, I'm gonna clean that up.

Here it is in black and white. It's your kid.

What? Why aren't you smiling?

It's not enough. What do you want, a father's day card?

You knew the one thing that I demanded was fidelity, and you still went out and screwed around behind my back. You knew the one thing I didn't want was a child, and you still tricked me into getting pregnant. It's not the same thing.

Damn straight. What you did was worse.

We're not very nice people, are we?

No, we're not.

Oh, when we got married, I thought we were gonna be so happy.

Me too.

Look on the bright side. At least we're still rich.

Thank god for that.

So it occurred to me...

That I was really rude at the morgue.

When you told me about Zach, I was so busy freaking out, I never actually congratulated you.

Congratulated me?

Yeah, I know how much you've always wanted a child, and now you have one.


Obviously, um, it was quite a shock, but it's good news any way you slice it.

What's wrong?

So naturally you'll be wanting to...

Have a relationship with him, and that takes time, a lot of time.


And out of all the mixed-up teenagers in the world, Zach is just the one kid that I can't be around.

I can't have Julie around him.

So, um, what I'm trying to say is...

We can't move in together.

But I am so happy for you.

Really, you have a child, and that is good for you.

Isn't there any way...

No. No, I...

So sorry.

I'll... I'll, um, I'll see you around.

Today we've come together to celebrate the life of Dr. Rex Van De Kamp...

What is he wearing?


I left him an hour ago, and he was wearing Ralph Lauren.

But it's what Rex would have wanted.

He loved that prep school.

But whichever coat he was wearing, Rex always brought an irresistible enthusiasm and a single-minded determination to...

So as we mourn the passing of Rex Van De Kamp, we give thanks to god, for we do not grieve as those who have no hope but as those who place their trust in god.


Do not close that coffin.

Give me your tie.


Give me your tie.

Give it to her! Give it to her.

You look magnificent.

So it looks like Mary Alice killed Zach's birth mother in order to keep her from taking Zach away.

Oh, my god.

I mean, I knew Mary Alice had killed herself over something big, but wow.

Can you imagine living with that guilt?

Isn't it bizarre that Paul and Mary Alice had this secret all those years, and we didn't even know about it?

No, not really.

I mean, what do we actually know about our neighbors?

I mean, we can tell if they keep their lawns nice or they take their trash cans in, but when they do those things, we stop asking questions

'cause if people are good neighbors...

We don't really care what happens behind closed doors.

It had been one year since my suicide...

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

And a lot had changed on Wisteria Lane.

There were new flowers, new houses and new neighbors...

The kind anyone would want living right next door.

Is that another hymn?

I know. It's silly, but playing those songs today at the funeral just got me in the mood.

This is your grandmother's favorite.

Did you remember butter?

I make up this tray every night.

Of course you do. I'm sorry.

Oh, look.

You added a flower.

Thought it'd be nice.

How'd I get so lucky to have a child like you?

You really do try to think about us.

That flower is a small act of kindness you thought no one would notice, and yet you did it anyway.

Says a lot about how you were raised.

Well, I guess you did your job.

Thank yourself.

I'll get the tray.

You take the gun.

It really is a lovely gesture.