Desperate Housewives S2E10 Script

Coming Home (2005)

Previously on...

Did you leave the door open? Call the police!

Is that the guy who broke into your house?

Arrests were made...

Yeah, that's him.

I just want a chance to get to know you.

I don't want to know you.

Fathers were confronted...

Who's sister Mary Bernard?

You do not want to start a war with me.

Bring it on.

Boundaries were drawn...

Mr. Williams was responsible for your husband's death.

And everyone learned that sometimes justice is served...

We need to call an ambulance.

Without saying a word.

There were many ways to tell Bree Van De Kamp was a lady.

Thank you very much.

She was courteous to those around her, she moved with elegance and grace and she was very careful to never let others know what she was thinking.

Mrs. Van De Kamp, thank you for coming on such short notice.

So what's happened?

Have you had any luck finding George?

You see, like most well-bred women...

George is dead.

He committed suicide last night at a hotel.

Bree had something to hide.

Oh, um...

Well, um, it was very good of you to tell me in person, truly.

Actually, uh, there's more.

More?

Do you recognize this?

Those are my panties. How did you...

We assume Mr. Williams stole them.

Where did you find them?

Mr. Williams had a room filled with, um... Unsavory items.

It was like a shrine.

"Unsavory items"? Well, what does that mean?

You don't want to know.

Just so you're aware, the "daily tribune" is starting to sniff around this story.

The editor's a good friend of mine.

I'm pretty sure I can quash it, but you might want to tell your family what's going on, just in case.

What is that?

I am so sorry. You weren't supposed to see that.

Mudge, get that out of here.

No, wait! Is that supposed to be me?

Well...

It's hard to say.

I don't understand.

I mean, what would George be doing with a life-size doll?

Oh, dear lord.

Go ahead.

Oh, hold it. What are you gonna do with that?

Well, until we close the file on Mr. Williams, she's considered evidence.

We'll have to take her back to the station.

I am so sorry about this, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

I know how difficult all this must be.

Don't you worry about me, detective barton.

I will be just fine.

Yes, there were many ways to tell that Bree was a lady, but the surest was to watch how she maintained her dignity in even the most undignified of situations.

It's a story as old as time itself...

The return of the prodigal son.

And no matter how many times it's repeated...

Or how the details might vary...

Or how the names might change...

The story always ends the same way...

In the tender embrace of a loving father.

Hi, dad.

Susan Mayer told me she gave you some money to go to Utah.

Yeah, I had no idea where to look for you, though, and the money started to run out, so I thought that maybe you'd come back here.

You're a smart kid.

Can I ask you something?

Of course. Anything.

Well, when you left town, Mrs. Tillman said that my real mother was a junkie from Utah.

That's right.

So...

Who's my dad?

I don't know. It could have been anyone.

Thanks for the faucet. This leak is driving me crazy.

What do I owe you?

Oh, it's no rush. Just pay me when I install it.

Hey, there!

Have you seen today's paper?

No, not yet.

Ohh. There's a follow-up on that guy you caught last week.

"Police seek help in identifying mystery vagrant."

They don't know the man's name yet?

They're not even sure that he knows how to talk.

Think they're going to hold him in the psych ward until they figure out who he is.

Well, I will certainly rest easier knowing that he's not roaming around our neighborhood.

See you!

Thanks again for the faucet.

Sure.

What are we gonna do about Caleb?

Obviously, we are going to go and get him.

Where are my cuffs?

Bottom drawer. Ah.

So when do I tell people you'll be back?

Couple, maybe three days.

What the hell's this?

It's the ball gag. I thought you wanted it.

We do not recycle ball gags.

Take a look at the teeth marks.

It's gross.

I'd like to think that we're better than that.

Hey, Monroe?

You sure you don't want any help?

The guy's dangerous.

He's a half-wit, Jerry.

If I can handle you, I can handle him.

So he poisoned Rex?

Sweet, little George Williams.

Well, it turns out he wasn't so sweet after all.

Anyway, there's a chance that some of this may wind up in the paper, so I wanted you to hear it from me first.

Bree, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, like you haven't been through enough.

God, and he's our pharmacist.

It's enough to turn you holistic.

I know this sounds awful, but I'm kind of glad the guy's dead.

Oh, I hope that little creep suffered.

Well, we'll never know.

That's Andrew back from camp hennessey. I've got to go.

Does he know yet?

He hasn't got a clue.

How do you think he's gonna react?

All right, what the hell is going on?

I know you didn't take me out of kid jail for my health.

I'll get back to you later.

So are the police sure?

Yeah. They found data in George's personal computer and also records at his pharmacy that pretty much proves that he was poisoning your father.

Did they say why he killed him?

Well, the detective seems to think he was trying to get your father out of the way so...

He could marry me.

Honey, please use your coaster.

That's gonna leave a ring.

My father was murdered because of you, so as far as I'm concerned, you no longer get to tell me what to do.

Andrew, that is not fair.

You brought that psycho into our house!

You sat him down at our table.

Just how fair do you expect me to be?

Andrew, George Williams fooled a lot of people.

Yeah, well, he didn't fool me.

Andrew, I'm not trying to minimize my part in this.

Believe me, I hate myself for what's happened.

Good. Now we have something in common.

Oh, by the way, I'm gonna call my friend Justin and have him come over and spend the night tonight.

Justin? Is he a friend of yours from school or church?

What kind of friend is he?

The real good kind.

Andrew, it is inappropriate for you to have somebody over.

You just got home.

Like I said, you don't get to tell me what to do anymore.

You came.

Did I have a choice?

Well, sure.

Because at the hospital, you sounded like you were fully prepared to blackmail me into having some kind of a relationship with you.

That was just the heat of the moment, and once you get to know me, you'll understand that I am not the kind of person who could ever, ever resort to blackmail.

Well, I wish you'd made that clear in the hospital.

Could have saved me a trip.

So are you coming in?

Well, I got a lunch hour to kill.

That was my first Halloween. I was 2. What do you think I am?

I don't know.

Oh, come on, just guess. You can tell.

Uh, a homeless person?

No, Addison, I'm a chicken.

See? Those are feathers hanging around.

Oh. I thought that was supposed to be trash.

Uh, look, are we done here?

You haven't even finished your coffee.

I got to get back to work.

Oh, well, we... we haven't even finished the high school years.

I wanted to show you this one.

This was from the father-daughter dance.

I had to take my mother's hairstylist.

What do you want from me, Susan?

Well, I-I just want to share more than our d.N.A.

I... I wanted to have a relationship with you.

None of this means anything to you?

I'll take the hobo picture.

Actually, it was... Fine.

What's this?

Our company insurance policy. You ever bother to read it?

I'm going to say no, but don't tell.

We have day care, ed, day care.

Do you realize that since we fired half the staff, you and I have barely left the building?

My kids are forgetting who I am.

I hear you. I have 17-month-old who I haven't actually seen awake in weeks.

See? All we need is a minimum participation of, uh... 16 kids.

My kids, your baby, Sally in accounting has three, that new guy in human resources has two and we hit the mother lode with the mormon receptionist.

She just popped out number 6. There. 16.

15. My wife won't do it.

Well, maybe if I talked to her.

No, I'm telling you, this day care thing is a non-starter.

Fran won't even let anyone else hold the baby.

Well, she won't just take some time off for a couple of hours?

Lynette, if I hadn't cut that umbilical cord with my own two hands, I swear they would still be attached.

But if you want to try...

More power to you.

You! What the hell did you do with my husband?!

Please restrain yourself, Gabrielle.

You're in a house of god.

Tell me where he is!

Everywhere, of course.

Not god, my husband.

Gaby, what are you doing here?

I was just about to ask you the same thing.

You were supposed to meet me at the spa.

I was just helping sister Mary with the mailings for the fund-raiser.

The church is about to send a relief team to Botswana to help with the drought.

That's your excuse?

We missed side-by-side water massages.

I had to book them weeks in advance.

Okay, you missed a massage.

It's unfortunate, but there are people dying in Botswana.

There are going to be people dying in this church if you don't wipe that patronizing look off your face!

What is your problem?

Sister Mary, will you excuse us, please?

Certainly.

We are supposed to be working on our marriage, Carlos, but we can't do that as long as our lady of perpetual stick-up-her-butt has you worrying about thirsty orphans.

You're blaming sister Mary for the tension in our marriage?

She wants us fighting.

She wants you to get tired of me and walk out so she can have you all to herself.

That's crazy. She's a nun.

She may wear a habit and the beads, but at the end of the day, she is still a woman, just like me, and I know what I'm capable of.

She is a woman...

But she is nothing like you.

Carlos, where are you going?

Carlos!

You look tense, Gabrielle.

Perhaps you should think about getting a massage.

Hi, Susan, it's Addison. Are you there?

Hi. Hi, yeah, I'm here.

Good. You're home.

Uh-huh. What's up?

You know you were saying you wanted to be part of my life?

Yeah.

I'm at the police station.

I need you to come bail me out.

Solicitation? You were arrested for solicitation?

It was entrapment. I'm the victim here.

But you were with a prostitute.

Apparently not.

I asked her three times... "are you a cop?"

They got to tell you, but she didn't say "boo."

I thought this was america!

Addison, you just got caught paying for sex.

Now is not the time to wrap yourself in the flag.

Don't give me that look. It wasn't my fault. I'm sorry.

How is trying to pick up a hooker not your fault?

I was at the store, I was working on my computer and then, you know, they have these ads?

They pop up on the screen and they ask if you want to have a hot date.

Well, it gets a fellow worked up.

Can't you just go home and have sex with your wife like a normal person?

She's a 68-year-old woman.

That bell stopped ringing for me years ago.

Oh, my god. Stop. Right now.

I'm gonna go pay this thing.

So am I off the hook now?

What?

This whole father-daughter thing, we're done, right?

Thursday, coffee at 2. Be on time.

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you dim?

Okay, I didn't exactly love what I found out about you today, but the goal was to learn, not to judge.

I bring the coffee.

That crap you made burnt a hole in my stomach.


This is tunde.

He lost both his parents to this drought.

In fact, water is always scarce in Botswana.

The national currency is called thepula orraindrop...

Hello, Gabrielle. What brings you here?

I'm concerned about the drought in Kenya.

Botswana.

Yeah, and you?

Well, I'm organizing this relief trip.

We leave in a week.

Well, bon voyage, father.

I'm not going myself.

We had to scale back our relief efforts this year.

We even had to cut a few of the aid workers from the trip.

Sister Mary, sister Greta were so disappointed.

If you just want to hand some of...

Sister Mary was going on the trip?

Well, sister Mary always goes for at least a few months, but when our funding came up short, she graciously offered to step aside, said there's plenty of god's work to do here.

Thank you, Carlos. Appreciate it.

I bet she did.

How much cash are you short, father?

We plan to set up a modern system of irrigation.

I'm sorry to interrupt, sister Mary, but I have an announcement.

I have just received a donation of $8,000, which means that sister Mary and sister Greta will be able to join our relief trip to Botswana.

It just goes to show angels are everywhere.

Hey. I'm here to see Lynette Scavo.

Oh, hi. Excuse me. Hi.

I'm Lynette. You must be Fran.

Hi. Ed said you needed to talk to me.

I couldn't imagine about what.

Oh, well, come on in my office.

You want me to put my daughter in day care?

But I'm a stay-at-home mom.

I'm not suggesting that you sign her up for all day.

Maybe just a couple of hours in the afternoon.

Wouldn't that be great?

Have some time to yourself, relax, unwind?

I don't need to unwind. I love taking care of little mindy.

Oh, of course, of course, but we all have days when we're starting to lose it.

Wouldn't it be nice to have some place to take her before you want to strangle her?

I Cherish every moment I spend with her, truly.

Really?

Yeah. Look, I'm gonna level with you.

Parcher and Murphy can't have a day care center unless we have at least 16 kids and without little mindy, we only have 15.

Well, that's not my problem.

Okay. Okay. I just thought I'd give it a shot.

Well, I wish I could help you, but I can't.

Okay.

Lynette, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Why did you have kids if you weren't gonna raise them?

Excuse me?

Well, I just don't understand women who say they want to be mothers, but then hand their kids over to glorified babysitters.

I work because my family needs me to.

Oh, dear, I've upset you, and that wasn't my intention.

I bet.

Make no mistake, I'm a good mother.

That's the difference between us...

I couldn't settle for being a good mother.

I want to be agreatone.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, hi, alberta. How are you?

Were you the one that sent out those neighborhood watch pamphlets?

I was wondering if maybe you had any extra copies.

Or I'll just borrow one from somebody else. Thanks.

Yep, looks like Carol's penmanship.

This is ridiculous. What does she think, we're having an affair?

Well, she probably saw you drop me off yesterday, and she assumed the worst.

Well, now you're gonna have to tell her the truth.

Oh, no, no, no. I'd catch holy hell.

Oh, so you want me to catch it for you?

I mean, you, yourself said she's crazy.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and find my tires slashed.

All right. I'll talk to her.

Hello, Edie. Do you have something you'd like to say?

No. That pretty much says it all.

Sister Mary, what a lovely surprise.

Well, I couldn't leave without saying good-bye, Gabrielle.

Oh, that's so sweet. I'm really gonna miss you.

I'm sure not half as much as you're gonna miss your husband. Huh?

Don't freak out. I'm going to Botswana.

What?! Sister Mary needs a companion.

What happened to sister Greta?!

I was gonna go with sister Greta, but the region is so volatile, I decided I'd feel much safer with a male companion.

Carlos, you can't do this.

You can't just go to Africa.

Honey, I'm only gonna be gone for two months.

This journey is important for me.

I want to be one of god's soldiers.

And you will be one, Carlos.

After you see the devastation over there, you're never the same.

You see how selfish your old life is and you just want to get rid of everything that reminds you of it.

Oh, gosh. I should get going and start packing.

We leave in less than a week.

I should probably send a thank you letter to my parole officer.

He's being a real mensch about this.

I may be a catholic, but I am so not above slapping a nun.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Just make sure you hit hard enough to leave a Mark.

Yeah. I didn't think so.

Kiss the kids good night and I'll see them in the morning. Okay, yeah.

I love you, too. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry about the day care thing, Lynette, but Fran hardly ever lets me hold the kid.

You know, since day one, all I ever got was, "support the head, support the head."

I think I know how to support a damn baby head.

Ohh, let's just... Let's just do this.

I don't want to be here all night.

You're mindy's father.

You have a right to spend time with her.

I know, but what can I do?

You could stand up to Fran.

If you don't, you'll just become more resentful, she'll get nuttier.

And without a father figure, poor mindy will grow up to be a stripper.

A stripper?

There's science to back that up.

You know what?

You go ahead and push the button on this day care thing, Lynette, and count mindy in.

Yeah, I'll handle Fran.

You're doing the right thing, ed, for little mindy.

Yeah.

Dude, what if your mom walks in?

She won't.

You don't know that.

Just wait till everybody's asleep.

Seriously.

I'll make it worth your while.

You better.

I wish she would walk in on us, just to see the expression on her face.

God, I hate her so much.

Still, though, she's your mother.

Don't you sort of have to love her?

Last year, when she found out that I like guys, she freaked out.

She said that if I didn't change, I'd be going straight to hell, so since I knew that I couldn't change, it suddenly hit me that one day, my own mother was gonna stop loving me, so I decided to stop loving her first.

That way, it wouldn't hurt so bad.

She didn't know what she was saying.

Yes, she did, so now she's got to be punished.

How are you gonna punish her?

One day, she'll slip up, and I'll have something against her and when that happens, I'm gonna take her down so hard, she'll never get back up.

It may take you awhile to get something on her.

That's okay.

I don't mind waiting for the things that I want.

Lynette, hey, hey. Look who's here.

Hey! You know, the day care room won't be ready until next week at the earliest.

If I had waited, I might have lost my nerve.

I had a window.

Fran was in the shower, so I just grabbed the baby and ran.

You took the baby without telling Fran?

I refuse to be bullied by that woman. You were right.

Mindy is my daughter, I wanted to spend time with her.

I have that right.

Um, ed, the lobby just called and your wife's on her way up and she seems pretty angry.

Oh, man.

Here. Hold mindy. Oh.

Let me handle this.

Oh, I was planning to.

I thought mindy had been kidnapped!

I left a sticky note.

I wasn't looking for a sticky note, ed!

I was looking for my missing child!

She's my child, too, and she's staying here, just a few hours a day.

You, give her to me.

No, I made a decision.

Yeah? Okay, watch me make a decision.

I'm done with this marriage. I'm taking my baby and I'm getting on a plane to Pittsburgh.

You wouldn't dare!

You think you miss mindy now, wait till we're living with my mother!

I'll fight you on this. Yeah? Try...

As Lynette saw her dreams of day care about to board a plane to Pittsburgh, a baby needs her mother! You're crazy, you know that?!

Yeah! I'm crazy to think...

She decided this flight would have to be grounded.

You don't scare me.

Oh. Oh!

What the hell is she doing?!

Open up! Give me my baby!

Good thinking, Lynette!

I am not on your side, ed. You're not?

No, I am on mindy's side.

She is the one caught in the middle, and I'm not letting you two have her until you calm down.

I want my damn child.

Lynette, I have Tom on line two.

Pat, can you see here I'm holding a baby hostage?!

I will call back!

All right, that's it. I'm calling the police.

Oh, for god's sakes! Lynette's not going to hurt the baby!

No, and you're gonna get her back a whole lot faster if you will just listen to me, okay?

Listen, and you? All right, good.

So first of all, ed, stealing the baby was really stupid.

Thank you. You're welcome.

You need to find a better way to communicate with your wife.

And, Fran, I know what the pressure of trying to be a super parent does to your head.

You can take a break andbe a great mom.

Doesn't this little sweetheart deserve a well-rested mommy?

Well, I guess the pressure does get to me a little.

And it's okay to admit that.

This is communication. This is good.

Why don't you guys go down to the lobby, talk it out over some coffee?

Uh, what about mindy?

We've got day care!

♪ We've got day care ♪


Hi. I called earlier from the spiritual outreach program?

Hi. Piano player, right?

This is so generous of you.

There it is. It's not exactly a concert grand.

I should warn you, on the whole, our patients are generally unresponsive, so I hope you don't expect a lot of clapping.

Miss Delaney, I find when the spiritual rewards are this great, who needs applause?

Excuse me.


Did Addison talk to you about me?

Oh! I guess not.

He's a married man!

What's wrong with you?! No, wait! Wait!

It's not what you think!

He hasn't touched me for three years because of sluts like you!

Carol, if you would just stop throwing things at me, I'll explain!

How... how can you explain?! You're screwing my husband!

No, I'm not screwing him! He's my father!

I'm so sorry.

I thought you should know, but he didn't want to tell you.

I want to die.

Oh, no. I do.

Oh, Carol, you don't have to clean that up.

They have clerks for that.

How old are you?

38.

We've been married 39 years.

It's been going on from the start.

Believe me, I didn't want to hurt anyone.

I just wanted to find my dad.

I'm glad you did, but you be careful, sweetheart.

He's gonna break your heart.

Andrew, I made an appointment with a therapist for you, me and Danielle.

I don't think so.

This pain that you're feeling is completely natural, but it's not gonna go away until you deal with it.

Andrew, I want us to heal, I want us to be a family again.

You know what I want?

I want for George Williams to walk through that door so I can take a knife and plunge it into his heart.

I want the pharmacist to pay for what he did to my father.

Well, the good news is he's... He's dead.

He committed suicide. His death was on his terms.

That's not justice.

So are you saying if he were executed that it would be easier for you to get past this?

Of course.

George... didn't intend to commit suicide.

He was trying to manipulate me into taking him back, and he swallowed those pills hoping that I'd feel sorry for him.

He just assumed that I would call an ambulance.

When I got there, he was already slipping away.

I tried to get him to accept responsibility for what he'd done...

But he wouldn't.

So what'd you do?

Nothing.

I just sat there and let him die.

Oh, my god.

He didn't die on his terms, Andrew.

He paid for what he did to your father.

Thank you for telling me this.


Hey, how you doin'?


Yeah?

Zach's come home.

What? Is he okay?

He's fine.

Is there anything I can do?

Thanks for asking.

You can leave us alone.

I spent a lot of time looking for Zach, and you know why.

Maybe I'm not making myself clear.

You come near my son, I'll go to the police.

I'll tell them what happened out in that quarry.

You do that and we'll both go down.

Well, you know I'm capable of almost anything.

Hey, I thought you'd like to know Zach and I are moving away.

I want to give my son a shot at a normal life.

I'm sure you'll agree it's for the best.

Now see, this is where you and I don't see eye-to-eye.

For Zach's sake, I'll keep quiet, for now, but you're not taking him away.

If I see a "for sale" sign in front of that house, I'llcall the police.

I'm capable of pretty much anything myself.

The doctor's going to give you a full work-up, then we'll start the inoculations.

Make sure you fill out everything and the nurse will take you back. Thank you.

Boy, sister Mary's done a number on you.

Right.

Yes, right.

She has you flying halfway across the world to help the poor, and there's perfectly good poor right here.

For god's sakes, give a buck to a homeless guy.

It's not the same.

No, it's better because you can do it in the comfort of your own car.

The point is not to be comfortable, Gaby.

It's about easing pain and suffering.

Look, I'm trying to be a better person here.

Now you can either help me or you can get out of the way, but you can't stop me.

Carlos solis?

Come with me, please.

Finish that for me.

Here.

He didn't fill out the allergy section.

Honey, he's going to a remote village in Africa.

Does it really matter that he's allergic to eggs?

Actually, yes. Eggs are on the list.

He could have a severe reaction to the yellow fever vaccine, and he won't be getting out of bed, let alone leaving the country.

Really?

Oh, don't write that down.

I wasn't being specific. He's allergic to fish eggs.

Fish eggs?

Poor baby's gone his whole life without caviar.

Now that's suffering.

All right, doc, give me all you got.

It's so hot in this village.

Baby, that's the fever talking.

The doctor said you're having an allergic reaction, but you're gonna be fine, okay?

Hold me.

Ohh, honey. I'm so sorry.

Ohh, maybe that stupid nun is right.

Maybe I am trying to stop you from becoming a better person.

It's just that I love you the way you are...

Greedy, selfish and insensitive.

I'm just scared if you're not those things anymore, you're gonna wake up one day and realize I still am, and then you won't want me.

I want you. Just hold me.

Ohh.

Ohh, Carlos.

Hold me...

Sister Mary.

Painting in the rain? Is that smart?

Well, let me see, painting in the rain or letting the whole world think I'm a whore?

I don't know. What do you think?

Heard you ran into my wife.

Yep.

So?

So you are hereby released of any further obligation to be my dad.

Okay.

Just so you know, I'm not actually proud of what I've done, you know, my hobbies.

Good for you. Bye.

I have done things I'm proud of.

I could give you five examples right now.

Okay, maybe three.

You don't have to do this.

I was a volunteer fireman.

I put out fires, I got kittens out of trees, the whole nine yards.

Sweet.

About 20 years ago, I started a foundation to protect wild horses.

I probably saved hundreds of them.

Really?

I'm full of surprises.

Okay, one more.

I wasn't exactly thrilled when you walked back into my life.

Now that I've met you, well, you gave me a third thing to be proud of.

That was a good one.

That's why I saved it for last.

I have to spend some time working on my marriage.

When that's all sorted out, maybe we could continue with the catching up?

I'll wait for your call.

The stories are as old as time itself...

The prodigal son who returns home to the father who forgives him...

The jealous wife who tricks the husband who trusts her...

The desperate mother who risks everything for the child who needs her and the faithless husband who hurts the wife who loves him so deeply.

Why do we listen again and again?

Because these are the stories of family, and once we look past the fighting, pain and the resentment, we occasionally like to remind ourselves...

Hi! Hi.

There is absolutely nothing more important.

Hi, bunny, bunny. Hi.