Desperate Housewives S2E11 Script

One More Kiss (2006)

Previously on...

George paid for what he did to your father.

Bree confessed...

Did you give Zach money to go to Utah?

Susan betrayed Mike... What kind of friend is he?

The real good kind. Andrew pushed the boundaries...

Zach's come home. Is there anything I can do?

Paul put his foot down... You can leave us alone.

So when do I tell people you'll be back?

Couple, maybe three days.

And a stranger finally caught up with Caleb.

Kisses are such simple things, we hardly notice them.

But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own.

For example, some can say, "I'm so happy to see you."

Or, "I didn't realize you'dbe here."


Or, "honey, it's time to stop drinking."

The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference.

So I finally said, if I'm head cheerleader, then nobody wears panties.


I just want you to know as a former member of my high school marching band, I would've appreciated that.

Wait a second, you were a band geek? Oh, I don't believe it.

What did you play? He played the tuba. I have pictures.

The tuba, huh?

Yeah, go ahead, come on, come on, get your licks in, go ahead.

No, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, all of my secret crushes were on the band geeks.

Come on, I know you cheerleader types.

You wouldn't have said "boo" to guys like me.

No, you were more interested in the guys like... like this.

Now, I take it you didn't play the tuba.

No, I didn't.

All I know is, I was a lonely, insecure tuba player.

Girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out.


I didn't even had my first kiss until I was 18.

18? Pathetic, I know.

Poor baby. I would've kissed you.

No, you wouldn't have. Yes, I would have.

No, you wouldn't have. And it's okay, Gaby.

Those scars healed a long time ago.

Oh, for god sakes, come here.

Now on behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world, forgive us.

Oh, yeah! Whoo!

Yes, kisses mean different things to different people.

Ultimately, the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing...



And the who sees it happen.

After every party comes the time for cleaning.

We attend to the champagne that was spilled, the knickknacks that got broken, the food that went uneaten.

Oh, here, let me take that.

And whatever other messes need cleaning up.

So, uh, Gaby...

You know that thing you and Tom did tonight?

The... the kiss?

Was that hysterical? The look on Tom's face!


I know this sounds silly, but...

It kind of bugged me.

You're not serious.

Yeah, I am.

I don't... I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but, uh, could you maybe not do that again?




Hey, what happened to the applewhites?

I thought you were gonna invite them.

I did. Betty never r.S.V.P.'D.

What do you guys think about the applewhites?

I like 'em, very nice. Very...


Right, interesting.

Hmm, they weird me out, too.

Well, that's not what we're saying.

Not exactly, anyway.

You know, we were just having fun, entertaining the crowd.

Oh, sure, but...

But maybe next time you could try juggling instead.

What's going on? Nothing.

Really? I sense a little tension.

No, no tension.


You make it sound like...

I was making a pass at your husband.

And that's just a little bit insulting.

I just said it bugged me.

Why is that a problem?

Is this about that kiss? What kiss?

Oh, you were in the living room.

Gaby planted a big, wet kiss on Tom... as a joke.

It was hilarious.

You see?

Yeah, but to be fair to Lynette, you are an ex-model.

And surely it must have dawned on you that some women might prefer it if you didn't kiss their husbands. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, you guys, we're all friends.

This isn't something to get worked up over.

I'm not worked up.

Me neither.

Hey, everyone, did you see what Kathy Lewis was wearing tonight?

And whoever told her that she could get away with those vertical stripes should be shot.

Oh. Bye, sweetie.



Zach is back!

Yeah, yeah, I know.

You do?

Yeah, he's been back for a couple of days now.

Well, that's great, isn't it? Yeah.

I thought you'd be happy about it.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I was hoping that I'd slowly establish a relationship with Zach and then when we were comfortable, I'd tell him I was his real dad. But now Paul's back.

And he doesn't want you anywhere near him.

He's threatened to tell the police everything that happened in the desert...

That I held a gun to his head.

Well, it's your word against his.

But he doesn't have a record, and I do.

You know, despite what I did...

Sending Zach away, I want you two to connect. I hope you know that.

I do.

And on the bright side, I don't have to wonder where he is anymore.

It says that you can do a report on anything from the suggested reading list, which includes

"the old man and the sea," "the Pearl,"

"much ado about nothing."

Hmm. That sounds good. What do you like?

I don't care.

Let's start with "the Pearl."

It's got a sad ending, but it's good. We'll start with that.

You know, it's not gonna be so bad.

I think you're really gonna like being homeschooled.

Okay, I know this isn't what you want.

But I need to keep you close to me just for a while.

There are people in this neighborhood who aren't thrilled that we're back.

People I don't trust.

People like... Mike Delfino?

Why would you say that?

When you disappeared, Mrs. Tillman said that Mike took you somewhere to kill you.

That's ridiculous. Why would Mike wanna kill me?

Because you murdered Mrs. Huber?

What did you say?

Well, Mrs. Tillman said that you murdered Mrs. Huber because she was blackmailing mom.

And you believed her?

No, not exactly.

I mean, why? Should I?

Zach, you know me better than anyone.

Do you honestly believe that I am capable of murder?


All right, then.

Of course...

I didn't think mom was capable of suicide, either.

On second thought, why don't we start with "much ado about nothing"?

I think we could use a few laughs around here.

Yeah, man...

Yeah, he sure is. I just...

Probably. Yeah.


Get over here.


Somebody's angry.

Did one of your soufflés fall?

I saw what you did with your friend.

Oh, and you didn't turn into a pillar of salt. Good for you.

This is not a joke, Andrew.

What if the neighbors had seen you?

Well, I'd hope they'd think that I'd landed a hottie.

I may not be able to control what you do outside of this home, but while you are under this roof, you will not mock my values.

If you so much as smile at that boy, so help me, I will ship you off to camp hennessey and I will not pick you up again until you are 18.

Do I make myself clear?

Aren't you forgetting something?

I know you like to knock a few back before bedtime.

Go on, take it. It's okay.

We both know that of the two of us, I'm the one that doesn't judge.

Please. I don't wanna stay down here.

I-I know.

I'm sorry, k.

I'm sorry.

Matthew, I think we might have termites.

You need to take a look at those steps before one of us breaks our neck.

What's the matter? Is your brother okay?

No, he's not. He hates it down here.

He wants to be with us. You're being cruel.

If you are so concerned about him, you should spend less time on your computer and more time down here keeping him company.

We're bringing him up, but not until I am sure that it's safe.

♪ there's been a load of compromising ♪

♪ On the road to my horizon ♪

Hey, you!

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪


What's the deal?

You've been parked on our street for two hours.

Oh, I'm doing a property appraisal.

Some neighbors of yours are thinking about moving.

The applewhites?

I'm not really allowed to say.

I sold them that house. You know, this is my turf!

Who do you work for?

Geist realty?

Ah, westside properties.

Yeah, well, whoever it is, you go back and you tell your bosses that nobody, and I mean, nobody, buys or sells properties in this neighborhood without going through Edie britt, you got that?

Look, lady, I just go where I'm told.

You look, you cross me, and I will be your worst nightmare.

I'm a dangerous woman. You don't wanna mess with me.

You got it.

Ms. Mayer?

Zach. May I talk to you?

I have some things that I need to say.


I-I know that I did a lot of bad stuff...

Stuff that I'm not gonna be able to take back.

Ms. Mayer, I'm... I'm really sorry.

But when I was living on the streets, you know, I had a lot of time to... To just sit and think to myself and clear my head and...

I've grown up, you know? I don't want you to worry.

I'm not gonna be bothering you anymore.

Either of you.

Well, thanks. We appreciate that.

Please don't tell my dad that I talked to you.

He's just... he's been really...

Intense lately.

Well, what do you think?

He seems different.

I believe him.

Yeah, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I feel sorry for him.

It's like he's so fragile.

I know, and he's locked in that house with Mr. Creepy 24/7.

Did you know that he's homeschooling Zach now?

I think he should spend some time with a decent role model, don't you?


Hey, you're out early.

Oh, I just wanted to pick up some fresh croissants for breakfast.

Oh, cool. Listen, I just wanted you to know I appreciated you backing me up last night, you know, with the kiss thing.

To be honest, I don't think I would've liked it, either.

Yeah, but I probably should've just gone with it.

Gaby was just being Gaby... Having fun.

No, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, given her history.

What do you mean?

You know, the affair. Gaby had an affair?

You didn't know? No!

I thought everybody knew.

Oh, I feel awful.

Oh, ida Greenberg's behind you.

Ida, just a second.

I am stunned. Who was it with?

I shouldn't have said anything.

Bree, come on, just tell me.

Her gardener.

Oh, you're kidding!

No, no, not him. Helen rowland's son, John.

The teenager?

Ida, wait, or go around!

Does Gaby know that you know?

Absolutely not.

I think the best thing to do is just smile and pretend you don't know anything.



Oh, sorry!

Are you okay?


I'm all right. What's up?

We have an idea how to bring you and Zach together.

Bowling. Bowling?

Yeah, I e-mailed Zach, and he said he's gonna meet us there. You can come, too.

Does Paul know about this?

No, and we're not planning on telling him.

I don't think that's a good idea, Susan.

Mike, I'm part of the reason things got so screwed up.

I just want a chance to make things right.

And you're okay with this... Being around Zach?

We talked to him. He's changed.

Well, I guess we're going bowling.

Wake up, sleepyhead.

I brought fresh croissants for breakfast!

Uh, hi, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

I'm Justin, Andrew's lab partner...

From school.

Dude, wake up.


I want you downstairs... Now.

Okay, first of all, I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he is no longer welcome in this house.

But we haven't even had breakfast yet! I am serious, Andrew.

You tell him to get out of here this second or I will call the police, and I will have him removed! Well, go ahead, call 'em.

Oh, you think I won't?

I just wonder how they'll react when they find out that you killed George Williams.

I didn't kill George.

Well, no, but you sat there and let him die, which, I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere.


Don't get me wrong. I mean, I'm glad you did it.

But when the cops get here, my official position will be, uh, "oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac."

I think I might even throw in a few tears.

You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?

Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point.

Come on, penny. Let's get those groceries in there.

Come on. Here we go. Get this one...

And this one, and daddy... uh-oh! Whoa!


Oh, it looks like you could use a hand.

Bless you. Here, Gaby.

And penny!

Oh, come here, you sweet little thing.

Well, thank you so much, Gaby. Come on in.

Oh, god, um, Tom?


Uh, I think she got sick.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Usually, she only throws up on immediate family.

I'm honored.

Oh, um, do you mind just putting her in the playpen there?


Guess what? Ed loved the pitch. I got off early!

You're kidding! That's great!

Hey, I'm right by the supermarket.

You want me to pick up anything? Um, actually, I just came from there.

Except, you know what? I forgot bread.

Would you mind? Not at all.

Tom, I need to wipe up. Do you have a towel?

Sure, hold on.


Hey, honey. Hey, did you get the bread?

Oh, yeah, they were out.

Of bread?

Yeah. Hey, Gaby. A surprise seeingyouhere.

Well, I saw that Tom was overwhelmed, so I thought I'd give him a hand.

Really? Wow, that was nice of you.

Is there a problem?


Really? Because I sense that you're annoyed you found me here when you weren't home. Am I wrong?


Okay. Yeah.

So exactly what are you doing here helping out?

Damn it, Lynette, if this has to do with that stupid kiss the other night, I'm gonna lose it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

Lynette thinks I was hitting on you at Bree's party.

(Laughing that's ridiculous.

I never saidthat. What I said was that it made me uncomfortable when you kissed him.

It's obviously an issue for me.

And yet, here you are, alone in my kitchen with my husband.

So you tell me, are you hitting on him? Lynette.

I can't believe you. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of mistrust.

Well, that's not entirely true.

What does that mean?

Come on, Gaby. It's a small town. People talk.

Okay, what's going on here?

I'll tell you.

Your wife doesn't trust me around you because I had an affair with my teenage gardener.


So I know Susan Mayer would never tell.

It must've been Helen rowland.

She probably blabbed to all the girls at the salon.

And ida Greenberg goes to that salon.

So if ida knows, the whole town knows.

And we're just gonna have to move. That's all there is to it.

Carlos, can you stop putting for two seconds and show me some support?

What do you expect me to do? You brought this on yourself.

It was a harmless little kiss!

Why is everybody making a big deal about this?

Because you had an affair with an underage gardener.

People don't think you're harmless.

They see you as a predator.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Punishing me, dangling the affair over my head?

Well, I won't tolerate it.


So just what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna let you even the score.

Carlos, go have an affair. What?

I had my little indiscretion.

So you go have yours. Get it out of your system.

I know you want to. I do not.

Sure you do. Knock yourself out.

Call up an old college flame. Rent a call girl.

Fly to Africa and nail that little nun you've been drooling over.

I don't care!

You're crazy.

No, I'm pragmatic.

Because once you finish your fling, we'll be equals again.

And then you won't be able to judge me.

And we can go back to being a boring, average married couple.

Oh, just do me a favor. Don't bring back any diseases.

Are you sure you're not overreacting to this whole Gabrielle thing?



But Gaby doesn't think she did anything wrong.

That's not right, either.

I guess.

You're an attractive man.

There is a primal need for a woman to protect what is hers.

My initial impulse was justified.

So you really think she's into me?

I don't know.

Because you're right. Iaman attractive man.

You know what? I've never told you this, but sometimes when I bend down to pick up the morning paper, I catch Bree Van De Kamp checking me out.

You're kidding.

No, scout's honor. I've always exuded a certain sexual magnetism, and as I get older, I think it's only becoming more intense.

Are you drunk?

Oh, I'm a hot guy living in a neighborhood filled with nothing but lonely ladies.


They can't help themselves. I'm like... catnip.

Come here.

What was that for?

Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I am the only woman in the whole world who could love anidiotlike you.

I'll talk to Gaby. I'm telling you, these women want me. Oh, yeah.

They see the rippling muscles underneath this t-shirt...

Good night, Tom. They cannot resist me.

Shut up and go to sleep.


Son of a bitch.

You gotta be kidding me.

Whoa, whoa.

I'm here to help you, Caleb.

All right?

Mama's gon' be mad.

Don't you worry about that.

Moms love me.

All right, let's go.


Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like that.

Let's start over.


Let's go.

I'm warning you, pinhead, don't you make me come down there after you.

Come on.

Come on!

All right, you asked for it.

I'm gonna beat the stupid right out of you.



This hit the spot.


I didn't do it.

Oh, dear.

Well, hey there.

Hi, Karl. Oh!

Oh, um, quick question...

When someone discusses a sensitive situation with a lawyer such as yourself, when does attorney/client confidentiality kick in?

From the moment the lawyer's been hired. Why?

Here's a check for $100.

That's enough for a retainer, right?

Well, I guess. What's going on, Bree?

My son is trying to blackmail me.

And I want you to stop the little s.O.B.

Do you think you could do that?

He has an Illinois license.

It says here his name is munroe.

Does that name mean anything to you?

No, but at least he wasn't a policeman.

Poor man.

I hope he didn't suffer too much.

Mom, are we looking at the same body?

What is it?

As soon as it gets dark, we get rid of that body.



I hope it's okay. Carlos let me in.

Actually, I'm right in the middle of something, and I don't know when I'll be done.

I'm just here to say I am sorry, and I have been a complete idiot.

All done.

So cute. 'Cause it's beautiful!

Is the coast clear?

Yes, it is. We worked it out.

No kidding. How'd you manage that one?

Simple. Lynette admitted she was wrong, and I agreed.

Well, 99% wrong.

Oh, whatever, close enough.

Anyway, Tom's probably got dinner ready by now.

So I should get goin'.


Good night. Bye! Mwah!

You know what the 1% is, right?

No, not really.

Does it matter?

It kinda does.

I wanna get it clear for our friendship.


What's the 1%?

Well, well...

Yes, I overreacted.

I think you can see how even though I was somewhat off base, you were a little wrong, right?

No. I kissed Tom, and it was a harmless joke.

I think if I had kissed anybody else's husband, they would've laughed and then forgot about it ten seconds later.

Okay, let's test that theory.

See? I don't care.

That's... Just a waste of time...

And spit.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay! Okay!

I get your point.

All righty, then, my work here is done.

Carlos, Gaby.


Not bad.

Hey, there he is.

Zach, I'm glad you could make it.

Hey, Zach.

Mr. Delfino, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

Yeah, I was just bowling a few frames and ran into these guys.

I thought I might join you. Is, uh, that okay?

Yeah, I guess.


Okay, write that down... nine!

Wise guy.

All right, just roll it in there nice and easy.


It's okay. We're still close.

Anyway, Julie's totally gonna choke.

Just for that, I am not bringing you back a hot dog.

Zach, do you want one?



You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, it's just...

I don't understand what you're doing.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't understand why you're being so nice to me.

I mean, I pointed a gun at you guys. You should hate me.

We don't hate you, Zach.

You had an incredibly hard year.

And you shouldn't have done what you did, but we just wanna help you move on.

Look, um...

When I was young, I got mixed up in some really bad stuff.

I even did some time in prison. Really?

Yeah, but when I got out, people were willing to forgive me.

Everybody deserves a second chance. Thanks.

You know, I'm gonna go, uh, help Julie with the food.

So you guys just keep talking and bowling.

Talk and bowl.

Bowl and talk.

Here, let me show you something.

See the arrows right in the middle?

Just roll it straight over the one in the center. Okay.

You don't have to spin it or anything.

Just right down the middle.

Look at that!

Good job.

Hurry up!

I am hurrying up, okay?

Wait, no! No! No!

What? I dropped the keys.

I don't have 'em. They're in here!

Sometimes you just have to laugh.


Would you mind turning off your video game?

My lawyer would like to have a little chat with you.

So even though your mother did witness George Williams' suicide, there's no affirmative duty to intervene.

Therefore, no crime was committed.

Even if the police find out, your mom will never see the inside of a courtroom.

Well, maybe I got the story wrong.

What if she went over there to help him commit suicide?

If you wanna lie to the police, go right ahead.

But please know that I will sue you.

For what?

Abuse of process.

It's when a person tries to exploit the legal system for an improper purpose... Like blackmail.

You guys can't sue me. I'm just a kid.

Oh, don't worry.

I won't start garnishing your wages until you turn 18.

Your mom... Is she a peach or what?

If the cops don't give a damn, I'm sure your friends will.

How does a little public humiliation sound?

Bree, can I get a refill on this?

What are you doing?!

Your father was a friend of mine.

And if he were around to see what a nasty little turd you've turned into, he'd knock the hell out of you.

Yeah, well, he's not here now, is he?

No, he isn't, but if you don't get your act together and start treating your mother with some respect, I'll take care of you myself.

Do you understand what I'm saying?



Hey, neighbor.

Oh, hey, Carlos.


I just wanted to thank you for patching things up with Gaby.

Well, sure, no problem.

It's been really tough on her...

Everybody finding out about the affair.

Yeah, I can imagine.

I don't mind telling you, it's, uh...

It's been pretty tough on us the past couple months.

Oh, well, I'm not surprised, and I really, really hope you can work it out.

Yeah, we're trying. You know...

Mm-hmm? Yeah?

Gaby had an interesting suggestion.


She told me that I should go out and have an affair of my own.

She thinks it's the only way I'll be able to get over what she did to me and that it just might help our marriage.

Why are you telling me this?


I guess I just, uh...

Wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the subject?

I... don't.

I really don't.

Well, if you ever do, let me know.

By the way...


That was one hell of a kiss you gave me.

You can't fake chemistry like that.

What the hell is this?



Stay away from my son!

Oh, my god!


You okay? I'm fine.


So I swerved to avoid hitting his car, and I hit this parked car instead, and that's when the trunk popped open, and when we got out, we found this dead body and...

Are you worried now?

'Cause I am.

Not yet. Just be patient. See what happens.

How'd it go?

Well, I told him everything I know, which wasn't much.

So are we thinking this is Paul?

Well, he is our friendly neighborhood murderer.

Yeah, it seems obvious.

I don't know. I saw his face when he looked in the trunk.

And he looked just as shocked as I was.

I'm thinking it's the applewhites.

I talked to the dead guy, and he said that he was doing an appraisal on their house.

Well, I got a little cheesed, so I called every realtor in town.

Nobody had even heard of him.

That doesn't mean Betty knew him.

Please. Those two are fishy.

They bought that house sight unseen, and they did move in in the middle of the night.

And there were the noises. What noises?

Oh, a couple of weeks ago, um, I heard some noises coming from the basement, like a clanging.

And I asked Betty about it.

She lied right to my face.

What's that about? I don't know.

Now I'm worried.




My, uh, dad found out about us bowling.

I'm not gonna be able to do that anytime soon.

Oh. Sorry.

No, no, I'm glad that we did.

I haven't felt like part of a family in a long time.


I, um, I better get back inside.

The act itself never varies.

But each kiss carries with it a meaning all its own.

It can convey a husband's eternal devotion...

Or a wife's enormous regret.

It can symbolize a mother's growing concern...

Or a lover's growing passion.

But whatever its meaning, each kiss...

Reflects a basic human need.

Mommy's baby.

The need to connect to another human being.

This desire is so strong, it'salways amazing when some people...

Don't understand it.