Desperate Housewives S2E13 Script

There's Something About a War (2006)

Previously on...

If you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down. Bring it on.

Gabrielle threatened a nun...

You're good to go. Susan hit on her doctor...

So you came to ask me out? 'Cause I'll say yes.

And Bree's daughter let her intentions be known.

It's amazing how far we're willing to go.

Andrew, give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police. Because I'm your son.

All in the name of love.

If there was one thing Edie britt understood, it was the nature of war.

After two failed marriages and countless rocky romances, she had learned that love was a battlefield, and the easiest way to survive the carnage was total surrender.

You know, I was thinking, a vacation to Rome would be so romantic.

Vegas is cheaper.


Could you put your underwearinthe hamper?

Can you do it? You're standing right there.

I've got a hankering for Chinese food tonight.

No, I'm so over rice.

Let's do pizza.

But the day comes for every solider when she must take a stand...

What do you think you're doing?

And fight.

It's time for my game. I wanna watch my movie.


This is important to me.

Fine. I have stuff to do anyway.

You see, when it came to men, Edie had a battle plan all her own.


You got five minutes for Edie?

Wow. That's some knot you tied.


Well, it's no fun if it's not tight.

You know what would be hot? Mnh-mnh.

Whipped cream.

Oh, you are so bad.

Oh, you have no idea.

Yes, Edie britt understood the nature of war.

Edie, it's been ten minutes! Where's the damn whipped cream?

She also knew that to the Victor...

Edie! Edie!

Go the spoils.

The guest bedroom on the second floor of the applewhite house had the best view in all of Wisteria Lane.

From its windows one could see from Mike Delfino's house on one end of the street all the way to the old Huber place on the other.

But, unfortunately, for the room's newest guest, the view was about to change...


What on earth is he doing out?

Caleb, go up to your room.

Mom and I gotta have a talk now.

His room? Have you lost your mind?

Relax, I've taped newspapers to the windows.

People can't see in. Caleb, get back down here.

No, no, we had a talk. It's fine.

He understands what's gonna happen if he's discovered. For five seconds he understands it, and then he forgets. You know that.

We can protect him without treating him like an animal.

I am keeping him safe from the police, from the fosters, from himself.

He is not going back downstairs!

Since when do you talk to me like that?

Since I share in the risk.

I have a few announcements.

I'd like to acknowledge Mrs. Herbert for spearheading the potluck dinner.

Her hard work and tuna melt led to the best turnout in months.

She's adorable, isn't she?

She's okay.

Next Saturday the women's ministry...

Ours will be gorgeous. Knock it off.

Knock what off? Babies, babies, babies.

You sound like a broken record.

I just had a miscarriage. It's gonna take some time before I'm ready to get pregnant again.

Any idea when you'll be ready? You know, ballpark?

Stop it. Let's just enjoy the here and now.

We're together. Our marriage is back on track. Life is good.

Before we wrap up, we have a dear friend back from her missionary trip to tell us about her experiences...

Sister Mary Bernard.

Son of a bitch!



Honey, are you in there?

Um, I'm doing homework.

Really? Because I'm holding your backpack with all your schoolbooks.

Hold on!

Thanks, mom, I was just doing a little research online.

Oh, while I'm here I might as well grab some of your laundry.

No, please, not right now.

Honey, stop complaining.

One day you'll wish that someone were offering to do your laundry.

Danielle, question?

Is there a black man hiding under your bed?

What's going on?

I just thought you should know that I came home to find your son hiding underneath my daughter's bed, and it just seems to me that...


Right now.

I apologize for my son's behavior.

It won't happen again.

I put the house up for sale, and we're moving.

Now if you'll excuse me.

How's it going?

Oh, not good. I am trying to salvage the pitch from the black's frozen yogurt campaign.

You know what kills me? Yeah?

Here we are at "t" minus 9 hours and 11 minutes from the biggest pitch in our company's history, and I have nothing even vaguely presentable.

I'll get the coffee.

Thank you.

Do you wanna... You wanna go over it and toss some ideas around?

No, that's okay. I know you're exhausted.

Youshould go to bed.

Come on, honey, let's do this. Let's nail this sucker.

What do we got?

We'vegot... nothing.

Okay, okay. "Black's frozen yogurt...

Let your taste buds come in from the cold."

Okay, well, you know, whatever, I'm just knocking the rust off.

I can do better now. I can do better.

"Black's... the fro-yo that makes you gowhoa."

Come on, I'm sorry.

I just really need to focus here.

Okay! "Black's frozen yogurt... Because our cows are better."

Or no! Or... or "frogurt."

"Frogurt... it's fun to eat, fun to say."

That's actually good.


No, the cow part... That could work.

We'll... we'll make them into characters.

We'll humanize them. Oh!

I know! I know!

Celebrity cow spokespeople!

Yes, yes! That's exactly what I was thinking!

You know, like, make 'em, like, into, like, famous characters, like, uh...

Reverendmoo-nie. What do you... What do you think of that?

They can't all be gems.


Thank you. I had a fabulous time.

Me, too.

Well, I guess I'd better get going.

Oh, um, well, uh, Julie's staying at her father's house, and, um, I'm all alone here.



Sometimes it actually makes me a little nervous.

Turn the TV on. That's what I do.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I forgot.

I have a bottle of wine.

It's already chilled right in the refrigerator, and that'll just really relax me.

That's good. So, um...

We're still good for Thursday?

Uh, yeah, yeah, Thursday's great.

So, um...

Good night.

Do I just repulse you?

No. Why?

You know, we've been on three dates, and you just keep acting like a perfect gentleman, and, uh...

It's getting a little old.

Okay, Susan, make no mistake, I am, like, inches away from ripping off all your clothes right now.

A-And you're stopping yourself why?

Well, I'm still your doctor, and it's not quite... Ethical yet.

Oh. So why are we dating?

Look, it's only temporary. Once you're well, and I'm done treating you, all bets are off.



Oh, what the hell.

Oh! Mmm.

Okay, that sort of felt unethical.

Thank you for meeting with me.

Sure. I'd have invited you in the house, but the place is a real pigsty.

Carlos, I'm a nun, not a moron.

I know Gabrielle despises me.

She's just jealous of you, that's all.

Of me?

Well, isn't that silly?

Well, she refuses to believe that I can connect with anyone on a spiritual level.

We do have an amazing connection.

That's why I wanted to talk to you.

When I saw you at church, I could tell instantly that you were unhappy.


Maybe I've been a little down lately.

Tell me.

It's the whole having kids thing again.

Sister Mary, I just... I want them so bad.

But Gabrielle still refuses to give them to you?

To be fair, she did have a miscarriage recently.

What if she decides against kids?

What if this is just a stall tactic?

Then I'm screwed.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Well, you're right.

You're screwed.


Unless what?

"The American catholic's guide to annulments."

Sister Mary, what exactly are you saying here?

I'm saying god helps those who help themselves.

Hey, I got great news!

We just landed the black's frozen yogurt account!

Really? They loved the pitch?

The talking cows rocked their world.

Hey, how did they like my president bull Clinton idea?

Uh, well, I rewrote some of the stuff we worked on, but, you know, essentially, it's the same, and they ate it up.

Oh, that is fantastic!

Yeah, and ed said we can finally afford to hire another executive. Terrific!

Tell me, did they like the promotional plan sponsoring the cow-tipping contest?

Uh, well, the pitch was running long, so we cut a few things.

I'm just glad they loved my idea.

Well, to be fair...

Did they like the Hugh heifer and the playcows?

They're calling me in for a meeting.

I gotta go. Love you. Bye!


So this is your spleen.

Normally, it would be over here.

But because of your missing ligament structure, it has wandered over there right next to your liver.

Now we discussed it at the staff meeting.

Everyone thinks you should have it removed immediately.

Oh, well, okay.

I mean, I guess... I guess you guys probably have all sorts of new, exciting techniques where you don't even cut open the body.

No, not really. No?


We're talking surgery?

Yeah, well, I guess I can handle that.

People get cut open every day.

So, um, I'm assuming you're good with me doing the surgery, right? You?

I mean, it seems natural. I know the most about your case.

I promise you'll be in very good hands.

Oh, uh, well, um...



The first time you'll see me naked, I'll be on an operating table.

Well, I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman.

My eyes will be strictly on the spleen.

Doctor, Mrs. Baker's here for her follow-up.


And we need to schedule Susan for a splenectomy with me.

Oh, congratulations!

So I will call you later?

Oh, I am so happy for him. He's such a doll.

I'm curious. Um...

Why were you so congratulatory?

Oh, the spleen surgery...

It'll be his first!

Hey, honey.

Can we talk about something?


So I've been thinking about the whole baby thing.

And how ever long it takes for you to feel ready, I am fine with.


But here's the deal...

I need to know that this isn't a maybe.

I want a promise that we will have children.

I'm sorry. I can't promise that.

Why not?

Because I can't say that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and suddenly wanna do something that I swore my entire life I would never do. "Maybe" is a very big step for me.

Yeah, well, it isn't big enough for me.

Well, I'm sorry, but you're just gonna have to accept it.

There's nothing else you can do. That isn't necessarily true.

Excuse me?

You are threatening me with an annulment?

That conniving little bitch put you up to this, didn't she?

Didn't she? This fight could be over right now if you'd just make me a promise.

The only promise I am making you is that this is so not over.




How's the search coming for the new ad exec? Any luck?

Oh, the pickings are slim.

So far none of my top choices are available.

Hey, um, do you have someone from your old company that you could, you know, maybe recommend?

Daddy! Well...

I can't find my toothbrush.

I'll be up in a second, buddy.


As a matter of fact, there's this one guy who would be perfect. Yeah?

Yeah, hard-working, smart as a whip. Total package.

Really? What's his name?


Tom? Tom what?

Tom Scavo.


No! No!

I do not think that that is a good idea.

Come on, honey, I mean, the other night doing those pitches...

It just got the old juices flowing.

I remembered how much I miss having a real job.

You have a real job, right here staying home with the kids.

With two incomes, we could afford a top-notch nanny.

What about penny?

You're the one who fought for office day care. Let's use it.

What about the two of us working and living together?

I think that could be a recipe for disaster.

Why? The last time that we worked together...

We fell in love.

Oh, it's just...


I'm not sure that you would find this job that satisfying.

You don't think I'm good enough, do you?

I'm not saying that.

Daddy, I still can't find my toothbrush!

I'll go. I got it.

Come on, buddy. Let's hunt it down.

So who won the fight?

We weren't fighting.

Mommy's just letting daddy know where he stands.

Oh, hey! Hey!

Thanks for coming in, Mr. Gainey. We'll be in touch.

Thank you. Bye.

What did you think? Well, honestly, I wasn't blown away.

I know the pickings are slim, but we can't hold out much longer.

We need to hire someone this week.

I know! I know! I know.

So who's up next?

Tom cavos. You ever heard of him?


Just... uh...

Could you excuse me for just a minute?


Tom cavos? Yeah, it's an anagram.

It's deceptively simple, don't you think?

What do you think you're doing? I'm going over your head.

I mean, you might not think I'm good enough, but maybe ed will be a little more open-minded, since, you know, he's not constantly competing with me.

You want the truth, Tom?

I think you're good. You have moments of brilliance.

But I also think sometimes you coast.

And I think if iwereyour boss and had to ride your ass every day, you would come home seething with resentment.

Come on! It's hard enough keeping a marriage together.

If you're at all concerned about saving our marriage, you better let me take my shot.

What does that mean?

It means that a little part of me has been hating you ever since you tanked my promotion at petersen.


But I could let it all go if you'll give me this one thing.

Excuse me. Ed's waiting for you guys.

Great! Great!

Just let my résumé speak for itself.

Uh, just let your résumé speak for itself?



Oh! You worked the poncer cheese accounts?

Those "angry mouse" spots? They were hilarious!

I was on that from the beginning.

Warning, do not eat the cheese!

The cheese is evil!

I love that!

You've got a great résumé. Thank you.

Yeah, gosh, it is. It's quite impressive.

Oh, wow, I see you worked for bellfore and barrasso.

That's a great shop.

Yeah, I put my time in.

Uh-huh, and when were you there? Because you forgot to list your dates of employment for that one.

Um, that was a few years back.

Uh-huh. And how long did you stay?

Just about five months, actually.

What, did you get recruited by another firm?

Did somebody cherry-pick ya?

No, I was fired. Oh.

Yeah, but honestly, I was happy to leave because they didn't get my sense of humor.

I actually pitched a version of the "cheese is evil" there first. They hated it.

Idiots! Well, their loss, right?

Yep. And I see you won a clio for the Thompson's salad dressing spot. That was very cool.

So did you do that solo?

Actually, no. My wife helped me on that one.

Um, she's in advertising, too.

But if you were to ask her, I'm sure she'd tell you she did thewholething all by herself.

Credit hog, huh? I know the type.

You know what, Tom? I like you.


And I'm not usually one for hiring in the room.

No, no, no, no, we never hire in the room.

But we're in a time crunch, and we need someone now.

I think you're the guy.

Lynette, you got any issues?


Um, let me just call in a few references before we make anything official.

Sure! Sure! We'll be in touch, okay?

The cheese is evil!

Oh, god, I love that.


Oh, um, I'm looking for father crowley.

Do you know where he is?

Um, he's in the confessional.

How long has it been since your last confession?

Who cares?

Father, it's me.



Look, I need you to do something for me.

I need you to get rid of sister Mary Bernard.

What? Why?

Because she's ruining my marriage.

Sister Mary? Yes!

At first it started with the love letters while he was in prison, and the next thing I know, they're spending day and night together...

Sneaking off to private Bible study, and one-on-one spiritual consultation.


And if that wasn't enough, he is saying her name in his sleep.

"Hold me, sister Mary, hold me."

It's disgusting. He's like a lovesick puppy.

Do you have reason to believe that your husband and sister Mary are...

Having sex?

Speak from the heart, Gabrielle.

This is just between me, you and god.

Yeah... yep. They're having sex.

Carlos confessed everything...

Right before he asked for an annulment.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

How long since your last confession?

Mm, not that long ago.

Look, I sorta told a fib, so...

How many "hail Marys" is that gonna set me back?

Oh, honey. Go away!

Oh, honey, what happened wasn't my fault.

There's no way I could've predicted how Betty would react.

Oh, please, you knew something bad would happen.

You wanted all this to blow up in my face.

Oh, honey, why would I want that?

Because you're jealous that my life's just getting started and yours is over.

Danielle, that's ridiculous, sweetheart.

Daddy's dead.

You drove your boyfriend to suicide.

You're getting older by the minute, and soon you'll be so dried up and bitter that no man will ever want to touch you ever again.


And now you're determined to ruin my life so I have to stay with you here and keep you company while you turn into an old fossil.

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

Don't just want it. Make it happen.

Danielle, I don't feel much like cooking tonight.

I'm thinking of ordering a pizza.

I want Canadian bacon.


All right.

He's mad at you 'cause you hit him.

Well, I feel bad about that.

But when I consider the risks he was taking...

It's a shame he can't see that girl.

She's so pretty.

What did you say about Danielle?

I said that she...

You know I don't want you thinking about things like that.

I'm sorry. I didn't. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

Go on and run up to your room.

Read the comics I got you.

And, Caleb?

If I ever catch you looking at that Van De Kamp girl, I'll hit you twice as hard as I hit your brother, and I won't feel bad about it.



So this whole splenectomy thing...

You feel good about it, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I told you. It's a routine surgery.

You're gonna be fine.

Right, right.

Actually, I sort of meant, um...

Do you personally feel confident?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, you're gonna be...

Hacking into me, and I just wanted to make sure that you feel ready.

I've never taken out a spleen before.

But believe me, it's no big deal.

Spleen, gallbladder... It's all the same.

Okay, red flag! See, I didn't go to medical school, but I'm thinking... Not all the same.

Susan, I know what I'm doing. You're gonna have to trust me.

I would like to. But I gotta be honest...

The fact that you can't even cut that steak isn't helping.

That's not fair. You overcooked it, and, frankly, it's not the freshest meat.

Well, neither am I. I've got 35 years on that cow.

Wait, Susan, are you saying you don't want me to be your surgeon?


I'm sorry.

I don't mean this to sound the wrong way. I just...

I would be more comfortable with an experienced surgeon.

That's okay. I understand.

Thank you.

I should really be going.


I didn't even serve dessert yet.

You said you understood! No, I do, I do. I respect your decision to see another doctor, but you know what?

You need to respect that my feelings are hurt.

What? You want me to put my life on the line to service your ego?

I save lives every day. I cut. I save. I cut. I save.

That's what I do, and if that gives me an out-of-control ego, well, maybe I need that to cut into another human being.


Hey. Hey.

Dinner's ready. Oh.

So did you call around? Check on my references?

I told ed you were my husband, and he was cool with that.

He really wants to hire you.

So who am I to stand in the way?

Really? So I got the job?

On one condition.

If you take this job, you are never allowed to bring up what happened before with your promotion.

That's it? Deal.

No, it's not a deal. I need a solemn vow that you will never throw that in my face ever again.

Because if you do, you will unleash demons that you do not wanna meet.

I get it.

And whatireally need from you...

Is to be forgiven.

Actually, I already had.

This dinner is really good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hi, Betty. Hello.

I wanted to talk to you about what happened the other day with the kids. I told you, we will be moving soon.

There's nothing to worry about.

Well, my fear is that if we keep them apart, they'll try that much harder to be together.

I mean, you know how teenagers can be, and, well, a lot can happen in a couple of weeks.

I'll make a deal with you.

If you control yours, I will control mine.

Well, how about some old-fashioned chaperoning?

That way they can, um, still see each other, and we won't have to be the villains.

When it comes to my son's best interests, I'm not afraid of being the villain.

I assumed that you would feel the same way, Bree.

Now that you mention it, I guess I do.

I have to go. I have some, um, muffins in the oven.

Mom, what's wrong?

It's the applewhites. I don't want you to go near them. What?!

Do you remember the man they arrested...

The one that broke into Gabrielle's and escaped from the mental hospital?

He's there.

I saw him in their window. They're hiding him.

You're kidding. No, I'm not.

And I forbid you to go over there.

Lynette, hi, it's Bree. Uh, listen, call me when you get this message, and please come to poker tonight.

I have some big news about the applewhites.

All right, bye.

Who was that?

Sister Mary.

They just transferred her to a parish in Fairbanks, Alaska.

You're kidding me. Why?

She doesn't know.

The diocese wouldn't even give her a reason.

Ah, Vatican politics.

What's wrong?

I think I'm just coming down with a migraine.

Oh, well, maybe you should go lie down.

I'm gonna be out for a while.

All right.


Uh, I'll see you there.

Susan? What are you doing here?

We need to talk. Okay, all right, but, look, I just got out of surgery. I've been waiting for three hours.

After you stormed out the other night, I started to doubt myself.

I started to think, "gee, you know, maybe I should just ignore my better instincts, "and I should let Dr. Ron gut me like a fish." Susan...

I mean, why not? 'Cause all my life, I have jumped through hoops to keep men from leaving.

But I'm not doing it anymore. So tough luck, pally.

You just missed out on a good thing.


You've been here for three hours?

Yeah. Well, two hours ago, flowers, champagne and an apology note were delivered to your doorstep.


Look, I put our relationship at risk, all right?

And it was stupid.

I haven't felt this way about somebody in a long time.

Susan, I really like you.

And because of that, I...

I can't be your doctor, let alone, your surgeon.

I mean, there's a pretty good reason why they make those rules.

Listen, I hope you forgive me, all right?

Because I'll hate myself if I lose you.


I wouldn't want you to hate yourself.


And I am so sorry about that... snap thing.

I was just trying to be theatrical.


I got your note. What's going on?

Are you hiding someone in your house?


My mom saw someone in your second-story window.

She thinks it's the guy who broke into Mrs. Solis'.

Damn it, Caleb.

Is that his name?

Has she told anybody else?

She left messages on her friends' machines.

They're coming over soon to get details.

We're gonna have to leave tonight. This is... why? What's going on?

I would love to tell you, believe me, I would. But I can't.

If you trust me, I could help you.

My family has secrets, too.

What my brother did...

It's bad.

Last year my brother did something really awful, and my parents covered it up for him.

If anyone were to ever find out, Andrew and my mom could go to jail.

So you don't have to worry about me judging you.

Tell me your secrets. I'll understand.


But you tell me yours first.

What are you doing here?

I heard you were being transferred so I came to say good-bye.

Come to gloat is more like it.

No, we've had our differences, but that doesn't mean I'm happy to see you shipped off to Alaska.


You had something to do with this, didn't you?

Me? Oh, I'm just a humble sinner.

You're the one with all the power around here...

All the... annulment mojo.

Is that why you did it?

Well, getting rid of me isn't gonna change anything.

Carlos will do what he wants.

The problems in your marriage aren't going away.

Maybe not...

But you certainly are.

You missed a spot.



That was a mistake.


There. I think we're all done here.



Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Hold on!

Are you okay?


Stop fighting!

Stop fighting! No!

What the hell were you thinking?

Uh, depends. What have you heard?

I got a call from the church.

They said you attacked sister Mary.

Yeah, that's about right.

What are you thinking?

I wasn't, but I was thinking about it on the way over here.

And I realized the ass I should be kicking is yours.

Mine? Yes!

Sister Mary manipulated you into threatening me, but you're the idiot that fell for it.

I was not threatening you.

I was asking for a promise.

You mademea promise, Carlos, a long time ago...

Till death do us part.

And one day you just come home and start throwing words around like annulment.

How do you think that makes me feel?

Okay, I'm sorry about that.

I need to have a child.

And I need to know I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, not just some uterus in high heels.

Gabrielle, please...

No, Carlos, I am sorry.

I am not gonna be blackmailed into giving birth.

You have to choose.

And I wish you would do it so I can move on with my life.

Well, of course I choose you.

I think that's the right decision.

You know, I made a decision, too.

The answer to your question earlier is yes.


I wanna have a baby.

I wanna have a baby with you.


What a surprise.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

Uh, now is actually not a good time for me.

I think it is.

I wanted to chat with you before you did something foolish.

I don't know what you mean.

The person you saw at my house today is my other son.

His name is Caleb.

He didn't harm Gabrielle, and he didn't hurt the man in the car trunk.

That's all you need to know.

He's your son?

He's my dear son who happens to be slow.

Sometimes he makes mistakes.

But, Betty, the police are looking for him.

He escaped from that facility they sent him to.

He had help, trust me.

I've always thought the maternal instinct is one of nature's most amazing gifts.

I mean, the length that some mothers will go to to protect their children...

It drives ordinary women to do extraordinary things, women like me, Bree, and like you.

What are you talking about?

If you breathe one word of Caleb's existence to anyone, I will tell Carlos, Gabrielle and the police that it was your son driving the car that killed juanita solis and that you have been covering up his crime ever since.

We're going to be great friends, Bree.

We have so much in common.

So is that all she said?

Yeah, something about the applewhites.

I'm dying of curiosity.

It's rude to keep people waiting.

Hi. Come on in.

So, spill it.

What's the scoop on the applewhites?

Um, about that... um...

Oh, Bree, come on, dish already!

Well, perhaps I got more excited than I should have, but I recently found out that Betty applewhite is quite the poker player, and so, uh, I have invited her to join our weekly game.

Hello, everybody.

I hope you brought your checkbooks because I am feeling lucky.

Everyone understands the nature of war.

I raise.

We also understand that victory depends on the cards that we have been dealt.

Some, when faced with a bloody battle, simply give in.

But for some, surrender is unacceptable.

Well, Bree, what are you gonna do?

Even though they know it will be a fight...

I'll raise you.

To the death.