Desperate Housewives S2E14 Script

Silly People (2006)

Previously on...

Your spleen has wandered close to your heart.

We gotta take it out.

Get your insurance figured out by then, hmm?

There was the bad news... There's a cop I want you to talk to.

His name is Sullivan. The file on Noah's daughter.

The discomforting news...


Are you hiding someone in your house?

Tell me your secrets. I'll understand. Okay.

And the news no one should know...

But you tell me yours first.

Once a month, the crème de la crème of Fairview society would attend a semiformal luncheon at the home of Maxine Bennett.

Everyone loved these elegant get-togethers...

Everyone, that is, but a certain redheaded housewife who was convinced Maxine was a liar.

You see, Maxine liked to brag that she did all her own cooking.

And because each course was served promptly...

Presented with flair...

It's delicious.

And was positively mouthwatering, Bree knew Maxine had had some help.

Thank you so much.

And sadly for Maxine, Bree intended to prove it.

Maxine, once again, this entire lunch was just out of this world.

I just have to get the number of your caterer.

What a nice compliment.

No, I'm afraid this is all my doing.

It was a triumph, an absolute triumph.

Oh, come on. Do you honestly expect us to believe that you had the time to prepare a 6-course meal for 10 women?

Even I couldn't make this andhave time to get ready for a party.

Well, perhaps you're just not as organized as I am.

If you'll excuse me.

Bree! What's gotten into you?

I have the same recipe for English plum pudding.

It takes six hours to prepare.

How would she have time to make all of this and everything else that we ate today?

This is not the pudding of an honest woman.

FBI! Open up!

What on earth?

We're looking for a Maxine Bennett.

I'm Maxine. We have a warrant to search the premises, ma'am.

A warrant? I'm in the middle of a luncheon.

Over here.

Found her.


Maxine Bennett, you're under arrest for involuntary servitude.

Is this the woman who locked you up?

Bree, what's going on?

Well, I'm not sure, but I think Maxine had a slave.

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

But Bree could.

You see, for her, the proof was in the pudding.

The world is filled with unlikely friendships, odd pairings, that to the casual observer, make absolutely no sense at all.

But if we look closer, we can see why these alliances form.

After all, a shared purpose can give even mortal enemies common ground.

Bree? We have a question for you.

Oh! What is it?

Well, we were just wondering...

Actually, we were curious about, um...

What the hell's going on with you and Betty applewhite? Yeah, that.

Excuse me?

Well, from the day that dead body showed up, nobody was yelling, "oh, the applewhites are involved!"

Louder than you.

And the next thing we know, you're having Betty over for poker. What gives?

She makes it sound like we're angry, and we're not angry. I'm a little angry.

Can we talk about this later? I-I have ice cream in here.

Bree, could this flip-flop have something to do with the fact that Danielle is dating Matthew?

I knew that would get her.

Who told you that?

Mrs. Mcclusky. She saw them making out in the park. Edie!

What? Can't you sugarcoat it a little?

I did.

He had his hand down her shirt.

Bree, we know that you have a good reason for wanting Betty to hang out with us.

We just... wondered if you could clue us in a little.

When it comes to Betty applewhite, I know what I'm doing, and you two are just gonna have to trust me.

And if you can't do that, then perhaps I've overestimated the depth of our friendship.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

What a bitch.

Edie, can you...

Iwassugarcoating it.


Oh! Hi.

Hey, none of that in here.

Come on. Maybe if we remind ed that I'm shacking up with the senior v.P., he'll stop killing all my pitches.

You've only been here a week.

Why don't you give yourself a break? Honey, you know the ad game.

I've only got a certain amount of time to make my Mark before he kicks me to the curb.

Look, I'm just asking you... Jump in every once in a while, throw me some rope, you know, when Ed's on the warpath. I can't protect you.

You're gonna have to find a way to click with ed yourself.

And then the pig... he rubs his stomach and he goes...

"Farm fresh bacon will make a piggy out of you, too."


The pig actually eats the bacon?

Uh-huh, yeah. I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.

Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night? You know, the one where people love bacon so much they wanna keep it a secret?

What, like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.

Wait, you were Greek?

Yeah, Alpha tau omega.

I was phi kapp. You?

And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge a.T.O.

Look, if I had a nickel for every phi kapp that I tied naked to a freeway sign...

Scavo, if you were my pledge, I'd have made you my bitch. Oh, you think so?

You know what? I'm liking this whole fraternity angle.

Yeah. You know what? Let's talk about it over lunch.

You're buying.


Thanks for your help.

Hello. What's going on?

Gabrielle, I want you to meet someone.

This is xiao-Mei.

She's the young lady who was forced to work for Maxine Bennett. Oh, the slave.

Wow. Looks well-fed.

The church is making arrangements for her to return to China.

But until then, she needs a place to stay.

So I offered up our guest room.


Baby, can I talk to you for a second?


Are you nuts?!

It's only for a couple of days. Oh, thistime.

You are quickly becoming father crowley's go-to guy for charity cases.

And that's a bad thing? When he turns our house into a catholic underground railroad, yes!

You know who you are, Gaby? You're the kind of person who would've turned away Mary and Joseph from the inn.

Well, they should've called ahead.

Don't brush your hair at the table.

Oh, you're talking to me?

Does this mean you've finally forgiven me?

Why should I?

You betrayed this family, and you're not even sorry.

Don't be such a drama queen.

If the applewhites go to the police and tell them that your brother ran over Mrs. Solis, he could go to prison.

How can you not understand that?

They won't talk about Andrew as long as you don't go to the police about Caleb.

What did this Caleb do, exactly?

And why on earth are they hiding him?

Why don't you go to Mrs. Applewhite and tell her you really need to know what's going on?

I bet if you were really nice, she'd tell you the truth.

Is that what you really think, Danielle?

I should go to Mrs. Applewhite, be nice, and then she'll hand over all her secrets?


When I was young, my stepmother told me that I was very lucky.

I possessed beauty, wit, cunning and insight.

These were weapons all women needed to survive in the world.


So take good care of your looks, Danielle.

You don't have any other weapons at your disposal.

Hi. I need an operation on my spleen, and I just found out I don't have medical insurance.

Is there anyone I can sue?

After the embezzlement, lonny let the policy lapse.

And now he's in jail, and I'm gonna die.

Susie, you're not gonna die.

I'll get into it with the insurance company.

No, there isn't time for you to deal with the red tape.

My spleen is going careening into my heart.

I need that operation now. Yeah, I'd loan you the money myself, but Edie and I just plopped down our savings in a ski condo and...

I don't need a loan. I need coverage.

I mean, what if there are complications?

I don't have a safety net.

Oh, my god, please!

What in the hell are you doing?

I'm saying a little prayer.

Oh, for puke's sake...

Well, what? I'm desperate here. Do you have any other ideas?

As a matter of fact, I do.

What you need is a husband.


The only way to get a good health plan is to marry into one.

Edie, come on.

No, no, I think she's onto something.

Yeah. If we find a guy with the right plan, you could have a sham wedding on a Monday night and be fully covered Tuesday morning.

I can't believe you're actually considering this.

The surgeon is slicing me open a week from tomorrow.

What other choice do I have?

All we have to do is find a guy who's willing to marry you.

You know, come to think of it, a little prayer might not be such a bad idea after all.

Pat, we're all here, so send the call in as soon as you get it.

200 bucks says you can't do that 3 times in a row.


You catch three of those...

200 bucks.

What do you say there, Scavo?

You're on.

Here we go. Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Thrown byme.

I'm sorry, I thought we were here to talk about the farm fresh rollout?

They gotta be catchable, big guy. You just let me worry about the shooting.

Come on.

That's one.



Nice moves.

One more, big guy. Guys, please...

That's... all right.




That wasn't even catchable! Yeah, well, maybe not.

But it's totally worth the 200 bucks. Ahh!


Well, you got me.

You're a regular little monkey man!

Oh, I love this guy.

Oh. Hi.

Do you have to sit around all day?

I mean, shouldn't you be out experiencing western civilization while you have the chance?

What are you doing?

I fix.

No, this is couture!

This rip has to be fixed by an experienced tailor.

You can't just...

Holy crap! This stitching is perfect!


Did you make all of this?


For me? Okay.

Oh, my god!

You like?

I like a lot.

You like that?

Yeah, that's nice.

Do you know what they do to people in China who speak out against the government? Hmm?

They put them in forced labor camps.

Isn't that awful?


You know what I mean? It's such a repressive regime.

We forget how good we have it.

Yes, we do.

Don't you think xiao-Mei would like it better here in america?

I mean, where she could learn about freedom and democracy and stuff?

Does this have anything to do with you making xiao-Mei do housework?

What? I came downstairs this morning and found her waxing the floor.

She told me you asked her to put on two coats.

Well, first of all, that was her idea.

Second of all, I can't have this conversation until you've tasted her crab puffs. Oh...

Hmm. Mmm.

She just got done being a slave.

I mean, she wants to go back to China...

And we can't force her to stay here and be our maid.

Well, who's forcing her?

We'll pay her whatever she wants.

And the best part is, with her résumé, anywage will look good.

No way, baby. Mnh-mnh.




What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?

Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation.

And I have no intention of sexually satisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideals and values of the United States of america.

And sometimes sheis a little hard to stomach, but she means well. Well, that's...

Hi! Oh, here she is.

I came as soon as I got your message. Is this...

This is Gary grantham, your future ex-husband.

Wow, nice to meet you. Hi.

Okay, listen, um, I've got to meet a client.

I've got to go, so just talk amongst yourselves, and you two make a very handsome couple.



Uh, hi. Hi.

So do you wanna get married on Wednesday?

'Cause Thursday and Friday I'm out of town.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Sure, that's... Wednesday's great.

I'm... I'm just curious...

How did Edie convince you to do this so quickly?

Well, she explained your situation to me.

I'm sort of in need of a fake bride myself, so I figured, what the heck?

Why would you need a fake bride?

Uh, I'm gay, and I've never come out to my mother.


Yeah. At first, I just didn't want to upset her.

Then she got older, she got emphysema and diverticulitis, and I started thinking, if I just kept my mouth shut, then one day nature would take its course and we could avoid what is sure to be a very ugly scene.

So what changed?

She told me at her 81st birthday party last month, the only reason she's hanging on is to see me get married.

Oh. Oh, so by marrying me...

Yeah, I'd get my inheritance that much sooner.

No, but mostly, I wanna make sure she's happy.


Well, you seem very nice, Susan.

Uh, it will be a pleasure being married to you.

Uh, likewise.

Here, you can finish the rest of the fries.

Here's your mail and your pills.

Ugh. More pills?

Miss tillman?


Where did this come from?

I don't know. It was in with your other mail.

Get me the phone.

Sullivan, it's me.

I just got some news, and I need to get you involved.

Looks like Delfino's been holding out on me.

The next morning, Bree came up with a plan to get to the truth she so desperately needed.

As she watched the applewhites leave their house, she thought of how much she had trusted the previous owners and how much they...

Had trusted her.

Caleb? Is that you?


I'm Bree. I live down the street.

I'm a friend of your mother's.

She's not home.

I know. Um...

I came to see you.


Yes. Your mother told me all about you and I thought it...

It might be nice if, um, we had a little visit.

I brought you some homemade cobbler.

♪ oh, la, la, la, la, la ♪ Right here. Follow the doughnut, people.

Here we go. We got some people. Come on, come on.

Hey, hey... huh?

What's going on?

Well, um, ed bet Tom that he wouldn't eat a doughnut out of the toilet.

Isn't it disgusting?



It's gotta be fully dunked.

Now, I don't want the glaze to repel the water.

Whoa, slight delay, people. I'm requesting a scrub down.

Does anybody know where they keep the toilet brush?

Just for one second, okay? Just for one second.

Hey, I never thought I'd have to ask you this, but are you about to eat a doughnut out of the toilet? Yeah!

For the galveston jewelers account.

I don't care! You're not gonna do this! Look, Lynette, you're the one who told me to find a way to click with ed.

Well, now we've got our thing, andit's paying off for me!

That's because ed gets off on humiliating you.

Please, don't do this!

We're waiting, Scavo!

Tom, Tom, Tom!

Okay, okay, what now?

This is my moment.

So, Caleb, besides your mother and brother, does anybody else know that you're here?


You're pretty.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

So where have you been living this whole time? Upstairs?


I just moved upstairs.

My room's downstairs.


In the basement.

You wanna see it?

Caleb, have you been down here all these months?


Did your mother make you wear those?

Most of the time.

Oh, my god!

Sweetheart, I don't understand.

Why in the world would your mother treat you that way?

I hurt a girl.

A girl?


And then she died.


Her name was Melanie.

She was pretty.

Just like you.


I thought you should know, I'm getting married.

To the doctor?

No! No. Ha!

No, to... to a gay guy.

How did you know about the doctor?

People talk. So you... You're marrying a gay guy?

I need health insurance, um, 'cause I've got this wandering spleen and...

That sounds funny, "spleen wandering," but...

Actually, it's not funny 'cause it can bang into things...

So I need health insurance, so I'm getting married tomorrow.

And you probably think I'm crazy, right?

Well... can it wait?

Um, the surgery?

No. It can't wait.

I guess it's really not that crazy.

How you doin', ma'am?

Susan, can you just give me a minute?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm sorry.

I... that was really... it.

What do you want?

It's not whatiwant, Delfino.

It's what Noah Taylor wants.

Where's his grandkid?

You know, let's skip the part where you don't know anything about anything.

Mr. Taylor wants to chat.

What if I say no?

Then I've gotta find the kid myself, and my guess is, he or she is somewhere around here close.

Your old girlfriend...

She's got a daughter, right?

Maybe I should start by payinghera visit...

Her daughter's not the one.

Yeah, well, given your track record, I might wanna check that out for myself.

Tell him I'll be there in the morning.


So pretty.

You like nice things?

That's why I think you're stupid, for not wanting to stay here.

You could be around mynice things all the time, taking care of them...

How fun would that be?

Well, I'm sure it's a lot more fun than you'd have in that tiny, godforsaken village of yours.

You know, we're probably more alike than people would guess.

I'm from a small town, too. My folks had nothing.

That's why I love america. Anything is possible.


Hmm, you like that?


An old, fat stockbroker gave this to me.

It's not worth anything. You can have it.




It's okay. Glad you like it.

You can brush my hair.


I loved it! It was nice.


Hi. Hi.

Uh, this is the best I could do on such short notice.



Oh, uh, Susan, this is, uh, my best man, Steven.

He's also my life partner.

Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you.

Baby, be... be nice. Come on.

I'm sorry you have cancer.


Isn't that the point of this wholecharade?

Gary said you needed insurance.

Oh, yes. No, no, I do need insurance.

I just don't have cancer. I have a... wandering spleen.

I said it waslikecancer.

Is there a problem?

No. No, everything's fine.

Uh, let's just go to the chapel. Shall we?

I made a wedding cake. I hope you enjoy it.

Oh! Uh...

So... are we ready to get started?

Oh, do you have a thing to play music?

I had Steven burn a little wedding mix for us, for ambience.

Sure, just, um, give me a sec.

Do you have a problem?

You said she was sick.

Sheis. She has a wandering spleen.

It sounds nothing like cancer. It doesn't even sound real.

Well, it is. I-I could die. You look fine to me, honey.

Don'tdo this.

I have asked you six times to fly with me to Holland to get married, and you always have some lame excuse.

But the second some chick with a silly disease comes along, well, you drop everything and head for a chapel.

Oh, no, it's a serious illness.

See, it just sounds silly 'cause of the word "spleen."

What do you want from me? I want you to worry about my feelings half as much as you worry about your mother's!

What is it gonna take to make you happy?

Not go through with the wedding? Is that what you're asking?

Oh, oh! No, no, stop right there.

Okay, I would love to see you two crazy kids get hitched in Holland more than anyone, with the tulips and the clogs, in front of a windmill, the whole shebang.

But unless I get this surgery, my spleen is going to slam straight into my heart and explode.

So, you know, seeing as I am just a nice person and I always support gay rights, let's just do this.

And then I'll have a husband and insurance.

Nobody gets hurt.

Steven, why... Steven!

It's just...


I'm so sorry. My hands are tied.

I'm really sorry.

Steven, wait. Steven...

Where are you going? What are you doing?

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ What's love got to do, got to do with it? ♪ Ah, finally got the sound system working.

♪ What's love but a secondhand emotion? ♪ Where's the groom?

♪ What's love got to do, got to do with it? ♪

Hey, susie q.

What's wrong?

For a newlywed, you don't have much spring in your step.

I didn't get married.


We got to the altar, but the whole fake wedding thing sort of imploded.

Wow. I'm sorry.

I still don't have insurance.

I need to get that operation.


I'm really screwed.


Why don't I just marry you?

What? I've got a fantastic health plan.

You'd be covered instantly.

But... we were actually married.

Look, susie, I've always felt awful about walking out on you the way I did.

And I figure, if we do this, I'd basically be saving your life.

I figure I owe you one.


So what do you say?

Will you marry me, Susan Mayer?


What the hell?


What are we gonna do about Edie?

We can't tell her. She'd kill us both.

Yeah, it'll be our little secret.

We've really enjoyed having you as a guest.

Right, Gaby?


Xiao-Mei, you are a very special girl, so... So you take care, okay?


Thanks for all your help, Carlos.

My pleasure, father.

Bye-bye. Ladies?

Please don't tell me you're crying just because you can't have the maid you want.

Carlos, she wouldn't have been just a maid.

She would have been the best damn maid ever.

God, you're pathetic.

Shut up.

Hey, something's going on.

Father crowley...

Xiao-Mei, xiao-Mei...

Is there a problem?

Well, xiao-Mei doesn't want to go back to China.

She wants to stay here and work for you.

What? Why?

She says Mrs. Solis treated her with more kindness than she's ever known.

She now thinks of you two as family.

Oh, really?

Oh, of course you can stay!



Carlos, she thinks of us as family.

I'm ready to hear those farm fresh concepts.

Conference room in five...

Toilet boy!

You are so not allowed to complain to me.

I know. You were right, okay? So now I'm known throughout the advertising world as "toilet boy."

Tell him you're done with the games.

You don't wanna play anymore.

No, no, no, I can't. I can't. If I back down now, he'll see it as a sign of weakness.

Look, this is the way that guys do business. But...

So you called it. He made me his bitch. Come on.

Here you go. Oh.

You know, ed, I've been thinking.

We've had a lot of fun and games around here lately, but maybe it's time to set a slightly more professional tone in the office.

Oh, I get it.

Somebody went running to mommy, didn't he? Huh?

What? Tom loses a few bets, so he tries to get his wife to make me back off?

Oh, this issoalpha tau.

I am gonna make him pay.

No. No, you're not gonna make him pay.

You are gonna stop thisnow.

This is my company.

If people wanna work here, they play by my rules.

Ed! What?

I'm calling you out.

Huh? Yes, you're right.

This is your company, so I'll play by your rules.

What do I have to do to get you to stop this frat boy crap?

Shave my eyebrows? Come to work naked?

Name your stakes.

I don't have time for this. Aw, what's wrong, ed?

You afraid a phi kapp's gonna get beaten by a girl?

Come on, big man...

It's just a little bet.

As you know, I think that making the workplace fun is good for morale.

But Lynette here thinks that our shenanigans have gotten a little out of hand.

Oh, hold on.

Hold on. I respect Lynette's work ethic.

So we've decided to settle the matter with a little test of intestinal fortitude.

If she can eat 1 pound of our client's fine, farm-fresh pork product, raw...

There'll be a moratorium on wagering in the office.

Oh, oh!

I know you are doing this for me.

You don't need to do this.

I don't need you fighting my fights. I am not fighting your fights.

This is my fight.

This is how guys do business, right?

I gotta see this.

This is so disgusting.

We're counting on you.

While we're young.

No shame in defeat, Lynette.

No shame at all.

Oh, she's gonna do it.


Oh, yes!


Oh, this is too much.


What? She took the bet.

What? This isfun, people.

She's got one more.

So... can this be a place of business again, ed?

No more games?


You sucked all the fun out of it anyway.


I gotta go back to work.

Thatwas really something.


Could you scrounge me up a bucket?

Caleb said a nice, red-haired lady came to visit him.

Come on in, Betty.

Get you a drink?

This is not a social call, Bree!

Did you or did you not break into my home and talk to my son?

Caleb and I had, uh, a very lovely chat. Yes.

If you ever come near him again, there will be hell to pay.

Do you understand?

Aren't you gonna ask me what we talked about?

The name, um...

Melanie foster came up.

I'm gonna pour you a drink now, Betty, because we're about to have a very honest discussion, and I think you're gonna need a little help getting through it.

His name's Zach young. He lives with his father.

Mother committed suicide about a year ago.

How did he end up with these people?

How do you think?

Dierdre was strung out, Noah. She gave him up.

I wanna see this boy.

Well, he's got a new family now.

I can't just snap my fingers and get him in here.

Maybe not, but I can snap my fingers, and detective Sullivan can make it happen. You don't wanna do that.

No? Is that really the way you wanna meet him...

Have that thug drag him in here so grandpa can give him a hug?

Fine. You bring him. I'll give you two days.

As you know, I'm on a bit of a clock here.

When Caleb was born, and the doctors discovered that he was different, I didn't even cry.

It wasthemost painful moment of my life.

I didn't shed a single tear.

I just thought to myself, what's the point?

He is my son, and I have to raise him as best I can.

Now that's my job.

In a lot of ways, I feel so blessed.

Calebischallenged, but he has such a sweet nature.

I'm sure you noticed that when you came to visit.

Yes, I did.

I also noticed that you had him chained in the basement.

That's because of Melanie foster.

Melanie was a girl that Matthew dated.

She was a debutante.

And like typical teenagers, their relationship was full of drama.

They were always breaking up and getting back together and breaking up.

One night, after one of their big blow-ups, Caleb somehow convinced Melanie to meet him down at our local lumberyard.

I can only imagine that she thought he was bringing some kind of apology from Matthew, but he wasn't.

Caleb told Melanie he was in love with her, and that if he was her boyfriend, he would never break up with her...

And she laughed in his face.

He tried to show her he was serious by kissing her...

And she hit him.

He doesn't remember a lot of what happened after that, but he... he does know that he got very, very angry, and...

And that there was an ax lying on the ground nearby him.

Yes, my Caleb killed Melanie, but I couldn't let him go to jail...

Or worse, be put down, for what was really my crime.

Your crime?

It was my responsibility.

I was supposed to protect him from himself.

I am his mother.

That was my job.

The world is filled with unlikely friendships.

How do they begin?

With one person desperately in need, and another willing to lend a helping hand.

When such kindness is offered... Whoo!

We're finally able to see the worth of those we had previously written off.

And before we know it...

A bond has formed, regardless of whether others can understand it.

Yes, unlikely friendships start up every day.

No one understands this more than the lonely.

In fact, it's what they count on.