Desperate Housewives S2E16 Script

There Is No Other Way (2006)

Previously on...

You put my kids in danger, and then you lied about it.

Do you have some kind of problem with alcohol?

Lynette asked a loaded question.

I'm the one who was sleeping with your son, but it's over now.

No, you're wrong. It's not even close to being over.

Gabrielle confessed...

Here's your mail. While Noah's search for Zach...

I worry for that boy.

What kind of people would buy a baby from a junkie?

Played perfectly into Felicia's plot...

See that Paul young has a toy chest of his very own.

For revenge.

What made my husband Paul young such a good investor was his uncanny ability to anticipate the future...

Zach, how did you do this?

He foresaw the necessity of the velcro shoe.

He predicted the advent of the $3 cup of coffee.

He even anticipated the surprising boom in bottled water.

Yeah, it's Paul young.

I've been reading about the election results in Brazil.

It's time to buy sugar.

But the crystal ball that served Paul so well in the stock market sometimes failed him closer to home.

Paul young? Yeah.

Detective Sullivan.

You need to come downtown for questioning.

About what?

We're investigating reports of credit card fraud, and your name has been linked with several of the victims.

Well, it must be some mistake.

Could be.

But we still need to go downtown and straighten it out.

All right.

Well...

How long is this gonna take?

Don't worry about it. It's just a mix-up.

Let's go.

What's going on? I thought you just wanted to ask me some questions.

That's after you're booked. Booked? Booked for what?

You can't book him here anyhow, detective.

Computers are down.

We're all full up.

You gotta take him down to county.

What is going on? This is crazy.

I wanna call my lawyer.

What the hell do you guys think you're doing anyway? Huh?

This is ridiculous.

I get a phone call!

Yes, in the world of investments, my husband had a remarkable ability to see the future.

Got a message for you, Paul young.

Dierdre's father said to give you his regards.

Aah!

But sadly, Paul didn't see this one coming at all.

Bree Van De Kamp had a weekly routine she'd been following for years.

She cleaned on Tuesdays.

She paid her bills on wednesdays.

She did her laundry on Thursdays.

And after these daily chores were completed, she would reward herself with a little drink.

What Bree didn't know was this latest addition to her routine had been noticed by her friends.

And it had now become part of their routine to discuss it.

So apparently Bree had a few too many and passed out.

Next thing I know, I get a call at work...

Someone found my kids wandering the street.

Oh, my god! Have you seen Bree since?

No. I'm worried about her, but I don't know how I'm gonna get over what she did.

Hey, Bree. How you doing today?

I'm really well.

Um, I just saw you all talking before Lynette went off to work.

What were you all talking about?

Oh, nothing, really.

Carlos and I are gonna go see the adoption counselor today.

I'm checking myself into the hospital.

I'm finally gonna get that surgery. Oh. Good for you.

Did Lynette mention the little tiff we had?

Just in passing.

She barely mentioned it.

Because what happened was, I accidentally mixed my antihistamine medication with, you know, a little glass of wine I was having, and I-I fell asleep, you know, while I was...

Watching her kids.

I mean, I like a little wine with dinner, I mean, now and then. You know, who doesn't?

But, uh, I mean, you know, to trash my entire reputation...

Oh, Bree, she didn't trash you. Honest.

Well, good. I mean, I just...

I really wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression.

Well, I'm... I'm going to the mall.

They're having a white sale today.

I think I'm gonna get a new bath mat.

Oh, does anyone need one? No, I'm good.

Okay, take care.

Wow, did you smell the alcohol on her breath?

I sure did.

Oh.

Then our eskimo turns in the camera and says, "polar fresh mints will give your breath an 'a'-plus, too."

So what do you think?

It feels a little familiar.

Really? I don't think so.

No, I'm pretty sure the lowell group used eskimos in a deodorant commercial they had last month.

Remember? Oh, this is completely different.

Those were jock eskimos competing in the iditarod.

Our eskimo's trying to, you know, patch things up with his wife.

Yeah. No, I get the subtle distinction.

I think we can do better.

Okay? So, Sally, you're up. What do you got for me?

Hey. Hey.

"I got the subtle distinction"?

What was that about?

If you really wanna do this now, shut the door.

Okay, sure, I was a little bitchy.

But you know why? You did a half-ass job in there.

Hey, you may not like my idea, but you can't say I didn't work hard. Oh, please. I live with you.

Last night, when you should've been trying to make that pitch work, you were watching the game.

I wasn't watching the game. I saw you!

What, okay, now I can't check the score? Are you saying you gave your heart and soul to that eskimo pitch?

I worked really hard on that pitch. Did you give it 100%?

Well, exactly. So? Big deal.

Go work up some new ideas, and then we'll go over it during lunch.

Okay?

You're the boss.

Yes, I am.

Hey.

Susan. Good to see you again.

I'm really looking forward to your surgery.

And I'm really hoping you're a lefty.

Nope. I can't even write my name.

But that's what I get for throwing my kid a roller-skating party. Funny. So what about my surgery?

Oh, I'll still do it. With Dr. Ron's help, of course.

Dr. Cunningham will be standing right beside me.

With my hands and his brain, you got the best parts of both of us. Then I'm on board.

We're keeping you under observation, so, hopefully, we'll operate tomorrow.

Uh, if you don't mind, I'd like a minute to consult with my patient.

Oh! Right, your, um, little thing.

What "little thing"?

Um, well, it was... it was gonna be a surprise, but...

Ahem.

Oh, my god, they're beautiful.

Um, look, I've been thinking about us a lot lately...

About putting this operation behind us and where we'll go from there.

Our future...

Together.

And I really suck at putting my emotions into words, which is, um, it's why I wrote it all down.

There's a card.

Oh.

Uh, but you can't read it. Not... not while I'm here anyway.

It's way, way too stressful. Um, I am going to go now.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, he's so romantic.

May I?

Oh, it's sort of private.

Well, I did help him pick out the flowers.

Oh. Um...

Okay.

There's more on the back.

So how does this work?

Do we flip through a catalog or something? I wish it was that easy.

You have to understand, for every baby, there are ten couples who want it.

You don't choose your child. The birth mother chooses you.

Really?

So what do you think our chances are?

We will do anything that we need to do.

Well, your typical birth mother is usually a young girl, and she'll just wanna make sure you're quality people.

Now to show her that, you'll be putting together a parent portfolio.

What's that?

Family pictures, character references, that kind of stuff.

So, um, we're auditioning to be parents?

I guess you could say that.

So just to be clear, some slutty cheerleader gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local gas 'n gulp, andsheis going to make sure we'requality people?

You don't need to answer that.

You know, you don't have to hide it from me.

Hmm?

Drinking. It doesn't bother me.

Oh, I wasn't hiding anything.

I was simply... Enjoying the day.

What you want?

Well, um, Mason was my ride to school.

And his dad's moving them to Tucson so...

Oh, well, if you need a ride to school, I'm happy to drive you.

No, that's not what I want. I want a car.

Well, then I suggest you get a job.

Why should I go work my ass off at some fast food place when I can already afford what I want?

Andrew, we're not touching your trust fund.

It's my money. Not until you're 21.

And if I had my way, you wouldn't get your hands on it until you're 50.

I mean, we both know you're gonna waste every penny of it.

Why are you being like this?

Because, sweetheart, it is my job to teach you about responsibility, setting goals, delayed gratification.

What do you know about delayed gratification?

It's not even noon, yet you're already on your third glass of wine.

You know, on second thought, I won't be driving you to school.

The walk will do you good. Mom, I'm not kidding around.

I want my money.

The answer is no.

Well, aren't we a mean old drunk?

Whatever that was supposed to teach me, consider the lesson learned.

Oh. Whoo.

What are you doing here?

I'm just enjoying the silky smooth moves of Dr. Ron.

Or should I say, "Dr. Love"?

Give me that. Aah! This is my favorite...

"I can't wait to be in the operating room with you"

"so I can touch your heart,"

"because you've already touched mine so deeply."

Okay, that part sounds better when you don't read it out loud.

And what are you doing reading it anyway?

Those are Dr. Ron's private thoughts. Yeah, I got that.

You know, I sense that he really likes you, susie. So?

So do you really like him?

Of course I do. He's smart and funny and kind.

Smart, funny, kind.

I don't hear the word "love" in there.

Well, that's a big word.

We just started dating, and we have a connection, and I'm gonna follow it through and see where it goes.

Oh, I get it. You're gonna string him along till you feel something you don't and waste the next five years of your life.

As opposed to the 12 I wasted on you?

Why are we talking about this?

I don't recall asking you your opinion.

Because we're married and I have certain rights, and one of them is the right to badger you.

Okay, you know, you can leave now.

I wish I could m.R.I. Your soul... out!

It's not funny.

Hey, watch out for my wife. She's on a tear.

Oh, here's one we took on vacation.

Hmm. Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome.

They gotta say...

"These people will do a great job raising a child."

So?

So you're topless.

Yeah, but it's St. barts, and your hands are covering my naughty parts.

Do you mean the hand that's holding the Tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?

Yeah, that was a good trip.

Gaby!

Fine. We won't use it. We can't use any of 'em.

Every single picture of the two of us, we're either drinking or smoking or naked.

So we like to have fun. I mean, who doesn't understand that better than an unwed, knocked-up teenager?

This is serious.

If we can't sell ourselves as good people...

Well, then we'll just have to find someone who can do itforus.

So you want me to, uh... Pitch you as parents?

You're in advertising. You can do it.

Just write us a character reference saying we're great with kids.

Oh, this is for you.

Oh. Well, you don't have to bribe me.

We're all friends here.

Keeping that in mind, would it also be okay if we were your kids' godparents?

Oh! Uh...

I guess.

Great, and can we take some fake pictures to document it?

I don't suppose you brought a corkscrew?

You didn't have a warrant, and if you don't arrest him, then you gotta tell me what he wants.

Hello, Mike. Felicia, what are you doing here?

Oh, I left in such a rush.

There was a lot of old business I forgot to wrap up.

Well, it must be pretty important business, gets you to move back in next door to the man you think murdered your sister. It's funny you should mention Paul.

You know, the police came and took him away last night.

The police?

And from the way they were manhandling him, ooh, I don't think he'll be back anytime soon.

No, I just wanna talk to him, that's all...

What the hell's going on?

It's none of your concern, Mike.

You listen to me, if anything happens to Paul young...

It already happened.

Hours ago.

He's dead?

Like I said, it's none of your concern.

Maybe you don't get it, Noah. You screwed up.

You just killed the most important person in your grandson's life.

Do you think he's gonna have anything to do with you once he finds out? And believe me, I'll make sure he finds out.

So, honey, the meat loaf... It's, um, it's a little burnt.

Oh, right, I was talking to Susan on the phone, and I left it in a little longer than I should've. Sorry.

It's okay.

Is it that bad?

No. No, not bad at all.

Oh, good.

Parker, don't put your elbows on the table. Come on.

But you'd agree it wasn't your best effort.

Huh?

The meal, the task you agreed to take on.

You'd agree that you didn't give it 100%, right?

Tom, if you're gonna make a point, why don't you do it now before I hurl the plate at you?

Nobody gives 100% of his effort all the time because they can't.

It is impossible.

You do the best you can with the time and energy you have.

Stop right there. This is meat loaf.

Your presentation was business.

You're saying the client deserves more effort than your own family?

Okay.

So if I apologize for upsetting you at work, can we get past it and enjoy our meal?

Absolutely.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Thanks.

So, boys, how doyouenjoy the meat loaf?

It's a little salty.

Yeah.

Just eat it.

There. Perfect.

All right.

All right, one more time.

What?

Yeah. Dude, I don't wanna mess up your face.

Do you love me?

Then do what I tell you.

Rough day.

Yeah.

I wonder if there's any way that we can turn it around still.

Good question.

But what to do? What to do?

Yeah.

Oh!

Hi! What's up?

Why do you keep trying to do that? What?

Trying to get on top. Of you? No, I'm not.

You were pushing on me like you were trying to sack me.

I felt it. Are you serious?

Tom, I wasn't doing anything. I was just going for it.

I was just lost in the moment. Oh, come on!

Come on, this is silly. I don't wanna argue.

I mean, unless it turns you on.

Does it? 'Cause then I'm all about it, baby.

What... what was that?

What... what was what?

You were bracing. You were bracing with your leg.

I was trying to lie on top of you, and you were bracing yourself against the mattress so you didn't have to get on your back.

Try and deny it. Try and deny it. You can't.

Okay, okay, can I just mention you're talking like a crazy person? You can't give it up for a second, can you?

You always have to call the shots. Always.

Is this about me being boss again?

You gotta get over it.

That's exactly my point.

Exactly.

You are not just my boss at the office.

You're my boss everywhere.

Oh, that's ridiculous. You run the show.

You run the show, and I'm along for the ride.

I just push the little shopping cart, let the woman do all the driving. Tom...

I'm the caddy husband.

I carry your clubs.

I amsosorry you feel that way, but you cannot put that on me.

This is your life.

You wanna run it? Then step on up.

You wanna drive? Grab the steering wheel.

I mean...

What else am I supposed to say?

I'm gonna check on the kids.

Time to check your blood pressure.

Oh, sure.

Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?

Yes. Oh.

Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.

Really? That surprises me.

I just assumed you were dead inside.

Ow! Ow! What the hell are you doing?

I told myself to stay out of this, but I can't.

I know that you're married. I am not!

Really? Hmm, 'cause that man that came to see you yesterday, he said you're his wife.

Oh! Yeah, oh...

No, no, he just said that 'cause we used to be married.

It's just a force of habit. Oh, that explains everything.

Except that I checked your insurance forms, and you're still married.

So that makes you a lying, adulterousskank.

Oh, no. No, no. No, no, nurse hisel.

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow, nurse hisel!

Ugh! Nurse... oh!

Oh!

Nurse hisel, I can explain.

Can you, skank?

Yes. Okay.

Iammarried, but it's only because my insurance ran out.

My ex-husband has a really good coverage plan, so he said that he would remarry me so I could get my operation.

Only I didn't wanna tell Dr. Ron

'cause I didn't want him to be an accomplice to fraud.

So you're what... Protecting him?

Yeah. It... yes, I am.

Okay.

As long as you're not two-timing him.

He feels so strongly about you.

I know. I read the card.

But did you read between the lines?

What do you mean?

Okay, I shouldn't be telling you this, but when we were picking out the flowers for you, he said that he was working up the courage to say he loves you.

Really?

Yes!

But you have to act surprised, okay?

Oh, yeah, I'll be surprised.

So I guess we have the whole insurance thing worked out.

Oh! Pfft. Don't worry about that. Please.

Who am I to cast stones?

I mean, heck...

I didn't pass my nurse's exam.

They didn't even ask me!

Andrew, did I hear the bell?

Oh, hello. I'm Samuel bormanis. I'm here to see Andrew.

Oh, okay. Are you a friend of Andrew's?

I'm his lawyer.

His lawyer? Well, why on earth would Andrew need a lawyer?

Here you go, Sam.

Honey, what happened to...

To your face?

I...

You hit me.

Don't you remember?

For the record, I did not punch my son.

I slapped him with an open palm.

Yeah, but, mom, the thing is, when you drink, you don't know your own strength.

This is ridiculous.

Can't you see this is a performance?

Mrs. Van De Kamp, I've heard enough.

Clearly, this environment is a highly dysfunctional one.

Andrew has retained my services in order to pursue a healthier living situation.

And what might that be?

I, um, I wanna be emancipated.

Emancipated?

As an emancipated minor, Andrew would be able to live on his own.

He'd still go to school, of course, but he'd be released from all adult supervision.

Well, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard of.

How would he support himself?

Well, he'd be in complete control of his own finances.

So that's what this is about... Your trust fund?

Obviously, we'd all prefer not to go to family court, but with the violence and your d.U.I. Charge, it could get ugly.

Uh, Mr. Bormanis, I'll need a little time to think about this.

You have 24 hours.

Boy, it really looks like we're having a good time.

I sure hope this works.

Well, as long as they don't make me play guitar, I think we're home free.

Mr. and Mrs. Solis, rhoda can see you now.

Yes, thank you.

Wow! It looks like you spend lots of time with these kids.

Oh, we take our roles as godparents very seriously.

Don't we, honey? Mm-hmm. Yes.

Oh, they're precious. What are their names?

Parker and, uh...

Porter, uh...

And, uh...

Well, they're all p's. It is super cute.

One sec. Do you need me, Helen?

Hello, Gabrielle.

Carlos.

I didn't know you were adopting.

Preston!

The other one's name is Preston.

Helen, you work here?

You all know each other? What a small world.

It sure is.

Mrs. Solis hired my son to do her yard work.

And also, she would rape him.

Okay, first of all, it was statutory, and it happened so long ago.

Was it? I think it was only about a year ago.

No, itwasa year, because it was right before your husband went to prison on slave labor charges.

Rhoda, if you don't mind, I think I'll handle the solis case myself.

I'd like to make it my top priority. Okay.

Oh, and, um, Gabrielle, don't bother trying to contact any other adoption agencies in the area.

I'll make sure they knowallabout you.

I think I have to break up with Dr. Ron.

What? Why?

Because he's a gem.

And apparently he loves me.

I'm sorry. I'm not following.

Lynette, he is everything I could possibly want in a boyfriend, and I just don't know if I feel that...

Spark.

You know, and I really want to.

Aw, sweetie. And he keeps telling me how special I am and how much I mean to him...

How he wants to hold my beating heart in his hand.

Ew.

Mm.

Maybe it's because I just haven't felt that thunderbolt yet.

You know, with Mike, it hit me. With Karl, it his me.

I didn't have to worry about how I felt because the thunderbolt told me.

Yeah, yeah. Gotta love the thunderbolt.

Do I, though? I mean, I do. Mm-hmm.

But I don't trust it anymore.

You know, those relationships turned out to be disasters.

Maybe I should stick it out with Dr. Ron, and I should try heading down a road that's growing and slower into a sort of kind of love that would sustain itself for 50 years. Right?

Stability, comfort, endurance... I deserve that.

Oh, yes! Of course you do.

Still, you gotta love the thunderbolt.

That's not helpful.

Sorry.

Ah, this is a sign.

Will you shut up?

We lost a baby, found out we can't conceive another one, and ran into Helen rowland at an adoption agency.

God is obviously trying to tell us something.

Carlos, we're catholics, okay? God is pretty Johnny one note on the whole subject of procreation.

Hey, and will you stop with this defeatist attitude?

Okay, do you want a baby or not?

I think it's time that we faced reality... we're bad people, and we probably don't even deserve to be parents.

Well, then who the hell does?

I mean, look at all the idiots popping kids.

Okay, they're not any more qualified than we are.

I don't know.

Look, Carlos...

It doesn't matter what we've done in our past.

Being a parent means rising to the occasion, and that's exactly what we're gonna do when we bring our baby home.

This is the first time I really felt like you wanted to have a baby.

Well, this is the first time someone told me I couldn't have one.

Okay, so what are we gonna do?

I mean, no adoption agency is gonna touch us now.

There are ways to get babies, Carlos.

It just might cost us.

I have some contacts in the police department.

I've been making calls, but I can't seem to get a straight answer about your dad.

I don't understand. How do they just lose somebody?

They don't, not by accident.

But I don't think what happened to your dad was an accident.

What's that supposed to mean?

Zach!

Mrs. Tillman.

Hello, Zachary. You look terrible.

Oh, Mr. Delfino.

Isn't this just a picture?

Felicia, why are you here?

Young Zachary and I didn't exactly part on the best of terms.

In fact, when the weather's damp, I'm still reminded of our last good-bye.

But forgive and forget. That's my motto.

Macaroon?


Dad!

You all right?

Now how did you know I love macaroons?

It won't end here, you know. Noah Taylor doesn't give up.

Look, don't worry about us. We'll be gone by morning.

No, it's too late for that now.

I guarantee he's got people watching you. What is it with you anyway?

First, you want me to run. Now you want us to stick around like sitting ducks for this maniac.

Go ahead, run. Noah's got the cops in his pocket.

What do you think's gonna happen the first time you try to buy gas with a credit card or open a new bank account?

So I'm a dead man.

Maybe not.

Not if we use what leverage we have.

No way.

The old man's gonna be dead in a couple of months, maybe less.

Let him meet Zach, play the doting grandfather... I said forget it.

I'll do it.

If it means he'll leave us alone, I'm ready to be leveraged.

Nicholson will be coming in in about 15 minutes with a pitch, so let's grab everybody and make sure we're all on the same page.

Hang on a second.

What's going on?

I need to say this.

Ah, yeah...

I have been giving you a lot of grief lately about being the boss.

But it's just hard for a guy to feel like he's not in charge of any part of his life.

But, honey, it goes back and forth. I know.

But it just feels a little one-sided lately, and sometimes I need to drive the train.

But, look, I know it is my issue.

It's my issue, and I will step up and deal with it.

Mmm.

Whoa. Hello.

What's going on, huh?

I'm picking up where we left off. Hmm?

Last night.

Oh, I get it. I get it.

Ooh! This is your idea of driving the train.

Mm-hmm.

And it's very manly and really impressive, but it's really, really bad timing.

You can't be serious.

Mmm. We're gonna... We're gonna be late.

Yeah, we are going to be late.

Okay.

There is nothing more important than family.

And I think it's so unfair some are denied their god-given right to parent just because of a few sordid incidents in their past.

Now I may have to explore some unconventional paths to find your child.

I might even have to take action some might view as unsavory.

But before I do...

I need proof that the two of you are prepared to face the challenges ahead.

$20,000.

Is that proof enough for you?

Yes, it is.

Nice to meet you, young man.

I'm not gonna hug you.

I don't care if you are my grandfather.

Ah. That's okay. Hugging's not really my thing.

Mike, could you wait outside?

I'd like to be alone with Zachary.

Not a chance.

Just curious...

Why was it so important you see me?

You're my grandson.

My flesh and blood.

Isn't it only natural I'd want a relationship with you?

What kind of relationship can we have when I know you tried to kill my dad?

Surely, you can understand the rage I must feel towards your father.

Go ahead. Feel all the rage you wanna feel.

But if anything happens to him, I swear to god you are never gonna see me again.

You only met me two minutes ago, and here you are, already blackmailing me.

I couldn't be prouder.

I'm serious.

I want you to swear you're not gonna do anything to my dad.

Which dad?

You have two of 'em.

You know who I'm talking about...

My dad, the man who raised me, the only man I'm ever gonna care about.

So swear.

I swear.

Well, now that the ground rules have been set, who's up for some meaningless small talk?

Well, if it isn't the plumber.

You here to see Susan?

Uh, yeah, I just wanted to talk to her before her operation.

Oh? You're cutting it kinda close.

She's just about to be wheeled into surgery.

You know, she's dating her surgeon.

Yeah, she told me.

You met him?

Yeah. He's, like, 6 years old.

Those for her?

Yeah. The florist was having a sale on lilacs.

Dr. Ron just bought her the biggest bouquet of roses you've ever seen.

It was disgusting.

And the note that went with it made my teeth hurt, it was so saccharin.

He used words like "soul mate" and "eternity."

I almost puked in the vase.

What'd Susan think about that?

Well, she seemed to be really into it.

Mike!

Oh, wait, stop! Go back!

Stop! Stop a second.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I just, uh, wanted to wish you luck before your surgery.

Aw, that's so sweet.

You came all the way down here just for me.

Yep. That's why I came.

Oh, it means a lot to me that you came.

Well, you take care, Susan.

Okay.

Bye.

You forgot to give her your flowers.

Ah, it's no big deal.

Hi, Susan. How are those drugs working for you?

You feeling good?

Super-duper. How you feeling?

Well, um, you know I want you to know, what I said the other day...

That corny stuff about me holding your heart in my hands...

Well, what I meant to say was, my feelings for you... They keep growing, and, uh, I think...

Well, I hope that you feel the same way about me. Mm.

Ah, hell, Susan.

I love you.

Aw, thank you.

I love Mike.

Mike?

Susan, who's Mike?

Mike is love. Mmm.

Who the hell is Mike?

I don't know, but she's married to a guy named Karl.

I'm so, so sorry. I should've told you, Dr. Ron.

Mmm, Mike, Mike, Mike...

Oh, why are you always falling in love with skanks?

You beautiful, beautiful man!

Oh!

Okay, we ready to go here?

Yeah. Sure.

Let's cut this bitch open.

What are you doing?

Your lawyer left a message on my machine.

It seems we have a hearing in four weeks, and I wanna be ready.

Oh, I get it.

So, uh, so you're gonna pretend to be sober for the judge?

Oh, there's no pretending.

I am going to my first a.A. Meeting tomorrow.

Of course, I picked one in the worst part of town so I won't run into anybody I know.

Which, of course, means I will.

All right, so what is that gonna prove?

Perception is reality, Andrew.

And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do.

And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich.

So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.

Good plan, but it'll never work.

See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.

Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?

Look, I'm 17, all right?

So you can only keep me here for another year.

Why not just let me go?

Because I'm not done with you yet.

It's my job to teach you, and you are not half the man I know you can be.

Yeah, well, I got news for you...

This is as good as I'm gonna get.

If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

Mom, we're both so unhappy.

Why not just let me take my trust fund, and I'll get out of your hair forever?

Please.

You're a stone cold bitch, you know that?

I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that.

I hate you.

You know, the opposite of love isn't hate.

It's indifference.

And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected, and I still have a chance to set you right.

This is how Bree Van De Kamp finally came to change her weekly routine.

She still cleaned on Tuesdays...

Paid her bills on wednesdays...

And did her laundry on Thursdays.

But her Fridays were now reserved for a meeting...

A special meeting where she stood in front of people she didn't know...

My name is Bree, and I am an alcoholic.

And said things she didn't believe.

And afterwards, Bree would come home and reward herself...

On the completion of another successful week.