Desperate Housewives S2E18 Script

Everybody Says Don't (2006)

Previously on...

Well, if Libby here likes us as much as we like her, we should just go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl. Who's the father?

Honestly, I don't know.

Carlos and Gaby made a deal...

I did remarry my ex, but it was only because he has great health insurance. Susan made amends...

You know, I never thought I'd have such a good time hanging out with my girlfriend and her husband.

And Mike... Didn't she mention we dated?

Made a confession... Liar! You've just been leading me on!

You're obviously still in love with this guy!

Of his own.

On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van De Kamp found an old cork, which reminded her just how much she craved chablis.

So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD which they watched till her craving had passed.

Five days later, after she developed a thirst for Merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards.

The next week, he brought over Chinese takeout because Bree had told him she was consumed by thoughts of vintage chardonnay.

By her 20th day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether because her thoughts were now centered elsewhere.


Yeah, huh.

I'm curious, Peter.

What is the easiest way to overcome addiction?

Oh, some folks try shock therapy.

Other use, uh, hypnosis.

But taking it one day at a time still makes the most sense to me.


I don't know.

I guess I'm just impatient to get on with my life.

What are you doing?

I was just giving you a little kiss.


Well, it's just my way of saying thank you for everything you've done for me over the past few weeks.

What's... wrong?

This is gonna seem like it's coming out of left field, but in addition to being a recovering alcoholic, I'm also a member of s.A.

Sex addicts anonymous.

Oh. And that's a... A real thing?

Yes. Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze.

That's why when you turn me on like that, it's a bit of a problem. It was just a peck on the cheek.

It doesn't matter.

The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.

So... how long has it been since you...

A year.

They have this rule... Plant, pet, person.

If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet.

And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.

So how are you doing?

I'm on my fourth ficus.



I think you can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for.

Oh! Oh!


Oh, oh!

I'm sorry.

Um... I think I should go.

Really? Yeah.

Peter! But... but... You forgot your shirt!

Keep it.

Though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question.

The easiest way to overcome one addiction...

Is to replace it with another.


It's the name of a well-known establishment on the outskirts of Fairview.

Its clientele is devoted.

Everyone who goes there wants to get their hands on something.

And when they cross a line...

Hey! I warned you, pal.

They are punished...

As a certain married couple were about to discover.


You want a lap dance?


No, thanks. No.

I sure hope Libby likes this camera.

Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store.

You know, I'm telling you, Carlos.

I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass.

The woman is giving us her baby.

We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

Uh, we brought you this gift, and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house...

Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go.

Look, we spent a lot of money on that.

The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression.

Is there a problem here?

No, we're just talking. It's... everything's fine.

Carlos solis. This is my wife, Gabrielle.

We're friends of Libby's.

Oh, hey, I'm frank, Libby's boyfriend.


Libby, you didn't tell us you had a boyfriend.

Didn't I? I thought I had.

What's that, a present for our baby?

I'm sorry, did you just say "our" baby?

Yeah. It's our first.


What's for lunch?

Omelettes. You want me to make you one?

No, thank you. I'll just pick at yours.

I didn't know you still had a key, dad.

Of course I do.

I have to watch out for my two favorite ladies.

Try the cheese. That's the best part. Mmm.

You mean, two of your three favorite ladies.

You know, when you add in Edie.

Right! Of course.

And speaking of Edie, I have some big news.

I finally did it. I popped the question.

Oh! Congratulations, dad!

Yeah... congratulations.

Um, what happened to waiting six months?

Edie and I aren't getting married tomorrow.

It takes months to plan a classy wedding, you know?

Remember ours, hmm? You had to have it outdoors, huh?

Ugh. It poured.

I could have murdered that weatherman.

We were all crammed under this little gazebo thingy.

It was hysterical.

I thought the whole wedding day was ruined.

I loved it! It felt spontaneous.

All our friends gathered close around us, hmm?


You said it was the happiest day of your life.

Just like you marrying Edie will be the happiest day ofherlife.

Yeah. Right.

Her, too.


Oh, hi.


Andrew said it was all right for me to get a cream soda.

Uh, sure. Help yourself.

There's also frosted glasses in the freezer.

Can is fine, but thank you.

Oh, and, uh, I left a list for you of the witnesses we'll be deposing.

It's, uh, there on the counter.



I know that you're still angry with me, and, um...

I wanted to tell you that I have, um...

Joined a recovery program.


I just wanted you to know that...

And to tell you I'm sorry.

You are...

A real friend, and I value your honesty.

Oh, I don't wanna be mad anymore.

And I'm so happy to hear all that, and I am so proud of you. Oh, thanks, but I'm not really out of the woods yet.

I still have this whole court case hanging over my head.

I heard about that.

Andrew's asking to be emancipated?

Yes, and his lawyer is taking depositions now to see if I am a fit parent.


And considering that mishap that I had with your kids, I, uh, I imagine he'll be anxious to talk to you.

Well, it makes sense, I guess.


Do you have any idea what you might say?

I, um...

I'll focus on your good qualities.

I could not ask for anything more.


See you around, I hope. All right.

That's... not why you came to apologize, is it?

What do you mean?

To soften me up for the deposition.

Of course not.


I just want you to understand something.

Andrew is making accusations...

False accusations, saying that I abused him, all because I wouldn't let him have his trust fund early so he could buy a car.

I mean, can you blame me for wanting to know if I have your support?


So... what, you want me to lie? Make you look good?

I actually don't want anything of the sort.


Because when I give my deposition, I'm going to tell the truth.

To what do I owe this pleasure?

I want you to look at something.

Myra holt is talking to Paul young, chatting away with him as though he were any other neighbor.

Now I told her he killed my sister.

I mentioned it to her six months ago when we were standing in the express line at the market.

But still, there she is, yakking away.

Oh, Mike.

I'm afraid people's memories aren't what they used to be.

What do you want, Felicia?

I wanna see how goodyourmemory is, if you recall a certain promise you made to me.

I am not gonna kill him. Why not? Give me one good reason.

Because things have changed.

How? My sister still lies rotting in the ground.

So does dierdre. No, I don't see how anything's changed at all.

You're just gonna have to let this go.

Sounds to me as though someone's let go of his rage.

Maybe I have.

Well, ihaven't.

And that bitch of a stripper lied to us.

The father's totally in the dark.

He clearly wants to keep the baby. Mr. Solis, if the father wants to assert his rights here, there's nothing we can do.

I'll find you another baby. I promise.

I don't want another baby. I want this one! Oh, honey, he's right, okay.

That trashy girl has been lying to us from the get-go.

Let's just walk away while we can. It's not worth it.

Look, don't get cold feet now, Gaby, please. All right?

Let's just pay frank the way we paid Libby and then bring the baby home. Wait, wait, wait...

You paid Libby?

You said we could give her gifts.

Everybody loves getting cash.

I could probably be disbarred for even listening to this.

I cannot condone baby-buying!

And I sure as hell can't be part of it.

Oh, Mr. Beale, come on.

No, no, hear me out.

If you are determined to go down this dark road, and unbeknownst to me steal this...

Paternal rights waiver that's sitting on my desk, and have this frank guy sign both sides and date the top, I can't be part of that, either.


Okay, i-I'm gonna go to dad's.

Oh, wait! Why don't you let me walk with you?

Uh, shouldn't you be resting?

No! I'm fine.

The doctor said I should actually keep my blood flowing.

Well, do you have to do it while we walk over to Edie's?

I just... I don't wanna risk you running into dad.


You guys have just been so chummy lately, and... this whole flirting thing is kind of freaking me out.

Wait a second, we're... we're not flirting.

Mom, you fed him eggs with your fork.

Okay, yes, I am closer to your father than I have been in the past.

The bitter hatred's now settled into a respectful disgust.

That's the kind of thing most children of divorce dream about.

Hey, Edie. What's all this stuff for?

Oh, hi! Don't tell anyone, but I'm planning a huge surprise for Karl.

A surprise?

Yeah, I'm putting together an engagement party tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, cool.

But that's not the surprise.

Actually, it's gonna be a surprise wedding.

I know!

My pilates teacher got ordained over the Internet.

The, uh, church of the divine something or other.

I'm not sure. Anyway, it's all legal.

And, well, just one more day before I make an honest man out of your daddy.

Oh! You're so sweet.

Thank you so much for your good wishes.

Oh. No, Edie, wait. Um, no, it's just that...

You know, I was married to Karl, and I used to... Try to surprise him, and he would always, always, alwayssay...

"No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it."

Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress.

Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody.

I don't know why I have to get dragged into this.

What happened with my kids has nothing to do with Bree's situation with Andrew.


Well, it's my understanding that real harm could have come to your children as a direct result of your friend's behavior.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bormanis, but I'm not gonna testify.

It just doesn't feel right to me.

Well, this isn't the first time someone's felt the way you do.

So this isn't the first time I've had to say that if you refuse to give a deposition of your own accord, I'll compel you to give one.

But I'm sure I won't have to.

You're saying Bree did this?

While under the influence.

I understand your reluctance to turn on a friend, but this isn't about you.

It's about Andrew.

Don't you think he's suffered enough?

How much are you gonna give him?

I figured we could start with forty.


He's a bouncer in a strip club. Offer him eight.

He's not going to sell his baby for $8,000.

Are we talking about the same idiot?

I think for $8,000, you throw in a kidney.

I'm not gonna blow this by bargain hunting.

You know, that's your problem, Carlos.

Remember when you bought your car? You paid sticker.

Nobody pays sticker! Okay, and what's the sticker price on a child, huh?

Tell me that. I'm thinking $12,000.

Frank, you have to sign the paper.

I made a deal with these people. A deal?

This isn't a used car we're talking about. It's our baby.

Before you screw this up, just remember that I can go to the cops and tell them about the pot farm you have going on in our basement.

It's just a couple plants.

Yeah, I don't do it for profits.

Hobby, mostly.

Oh, come on, frank. You know you would be a lousy father.

It's my kid! And I have a right to mess her up if I want.

And if you go near the police, I'll tell 'em how you've been stealing all those tips from Sheila.

Okay, we're done.

Gaby, Gaby, no, just... Hold on.

Now maybe there's a way that wecan work this out together.

There is nothing to work out.

If frank is not on board with this, it's over.

Wait! Uh... It doesn't matter what he wants.

Why not?

Because it's not your baby.

That's a lie.

What if I took a paternity test? Will that shut you up?

Wait, if it's not frank's, then whose is it?

I'm not sure.

All's I know is, I got pregnant right after I worked at the calgary rodeo, and I was very popular there.

So what are you saying, you screwed a bunch of cowboys?

You have your hobbies...

And I have mine.

You think this is funny?

Oh, don't you get it?

We just got our baby back.


Well, you take care now.

Ahem. Yeah.


I got, uh, your message that you wanted to see me before the meeting started.

Yeah, I did. Um, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to.

Bree, this is Donna.

Donna, this is Bree. What's up?


Donna is gonna be your new sponsor.

I, um, I don't want a new sponsor.

I'm... I'm very comfortable working with you.

Look, this was always just a temporary arrangement.

And given what happened the other night, I think it's best if we just end this now.

Peter, all we did was kiss.

We'd be kidding ourselves if we didn't think that whatever's between us isn't going to affect our recovery.

It's not a good time for change in my life, Peter.

Terrible things are happening. I'm headed to court.

I need your support now more than ever.

You'll have support, Bree.

It just won't be mine.

But, Peter...

Oh, Bree could never have done that!

I'm just telling you what the lawyer said.

So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face?

'Cause I don't.

I don't either, but on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking and I once saw her bitch slap her mother-in-law.

So I'm torn.

Well, I'm siding with Bree.

How can you be so sure?

We have Andrew saying that it's systematic physical abuse.

And then we have Bree saying it's Andrew wanting to be emancipated so he can get at his trust fund so he can buy a car.

How are we supposed to know the real truth?

Because I remember being 17.

And I would've done a hell of a lot more than punch myself in the eye to get a car.


Karl, stop! Stop!

Oh! It's an emergency.

Just calm down. What's going on?

Edie is gonna marry you tomorrow. What?

She's planned this whole secret wedding.

It's a surprise.

God, I hate surprises!

I know. I told her that.

I said, "he always, always hates surprises."

All right, don't get yourself all worked up here.

Put our heads together. We'll come up with something.

So the thing you gotta know about me is my style is proactive.

I don't hold your hand if you go on a bender.

I believe in behavior modification.

Hmm. Some muffins?

Oh. Oh, that's okay. I-I'm not big on snacks.

You should also know...

I'm not a lesbian.


Well, good for you.

Well, see, if I was, the program wouldn't let me be your sponsor.

Not great for your recovery if we get tangled up in a little somethin'.

So, um, whatever vibe you might be getting, that's all on you.

Um, Donna...

I-I really appreciate everything that you've been doing for me, but I think I was really making some progress with Peter as my sponsor.

And I was thinking...

All right, stop right there!

You're fixating on Peter.

Well, I just really feel like I'm jeopardizing my recovery by switching... You're making excuses.

See, I have a 99% success rate as a sponsor because I have 0% tolerance for people who lie to themselves.

Now come on.

Come on? Where are we going?

Hiking. There's nothing like it to take your mind off booze.

I got it!

I'll just be the woman. I'll say I want a big wedding.

You know, the church, the big ballroom, smushing cake in her face... It'll take months to plan.

That's great. And of course, I'll have to tell her you're the one who ruined the surprise.

You're gonna makemetake the hit?


Hey, guys. What you doing out here?

Uh, just talking.

Oh, well, come on in. I've got something to show you.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Come on! You'll love this.

Wait until I leave to tell her, 'cause she's gonna kill me.

Well, I should go.

I'm not gonna scream or cry or pound your faces in with a mallet, which, lord knows, is my right.

But what I will say is that you two are the most reprehensible excuses for human beings that I have ever met!

Do you have anything to add?

Right. What the hell.

Oh! Get out! Get...

Hey, Mrs. Scavo.

That's a... That's a sweet ride.

Yeah, you think so?

Why don't you come over here for a second?

I'd like to pick your brain.

You're the demographic that my client is interested in, so you'd actually be doing me a favor if you drove it around for a couple hours, and tell me what you thought. Do you mind?

Are you kidding me?

I can't believe you are old enough to drive.

I still remember when you were 10 years old.

I paid you a dollar to rake our leaves.


Yeah, you were pretty cheap.

Is this set up for mp3?

Uh, all the bells and whistles, but listen...

I really wanted to tell you how sorry I am.


Your lawyer came to see me.

I'm going to be deposed.

It's going to be hard for me...

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

You just have to remember she's a different person when she drinks.

She must be.

It's hard for me to imagine the Bree I know capable of hurting you.


Do you have the keys?

Oh. Sure.

Anyway, I just...

I feel so guilty that this all went on in your house, right under our nose.

So if there is anything I can do to help you...

Well, can you get a discount on these?


Actually, yeah. One of the perks.

Even so, it's a little out of the price range of a high school student.

Well, if you tell my lawyer the truth, I don't think money's gonna be a problem.

Hi. What's going on?

Edie wants to discuss our little... deception.

Exactly how ugly is this gonna get?

How long does it take to shut a door?

I can forgive your trickery.

I can forgive the humiliation.

But what I can't forgive is the complete and utter lack of faith in me!

I mean, having Susan get married for insurance was my idea!

Okay, so if I'd known that everything had gotten all screwed up, of course I would've agreed.

Look, Edie, in retrospect...

Yes, we didn't think.

We didn't handle this the way mature adults should have.

He's right. We behaved like children...

Naughty, stupid children.

Well, that makes me feel better that you could admit that.

Because... When naughty children misbehave, they know that they're gonna get punished. Don't they?


Mm-hmm. At this point, I'd like to point out that, uh, it was Karl who proposed.


You are gonna throw me an elaborate wedding.

Yes, of course.

Anything, baby.

How elaborate?

Well, figure out exactly what it is that you could afford, and triple it.

As for you... okay, now remember, I'm broke.

I'm well aware of your church mouse status.

I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding.

No. No, of course not.

And anything I can do to help...

Uh, you know, I would... I could help with the engagement party.

How's that?

Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you.


I will need a bartender.

Oh, oh, and, um...

Make sure you come in through the back door.

You're just in time.

Mrs. Scavo has been sworn in, so we're all ready to start.



All right, we are now on the record.


Isn't it true that while your children were in Bree's care, that she passed out drunk and allowed them to wander off to a downtown business district?

My kids don't wander. They scurry, like rats.

Excuse me? Do you know a rat can fit through a hole the size of a quarter?

Anyway, my children have that trick down, too.

Mrs. Scavo, are you saying that you don't hold Mrs. Van De Kamp responsible for endangering your children?

No, I don't hold her responsible.

Bree Van De Kamp and I have known each other a long time.

I trust her completely.

She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother.

She puts the rest of us to shame.

She's lying! Are you gonna let her get away with this crap?


Do you consider Mrs. Van De Kamp to have a drinking problem?


Then why did you line empty wine bottles up on her front stoop?

I was helping Bree with her recycling.

Do I need to remind you of the potential consequences of perjury?

No, you don't. In fact, I hate liars.


Peter. Hi, it's Bree.

Hey, Bree.

You know, um, if you feel like you're gonna need a drink, you should call Donna.

No! No, I-I don't feel like I'm gonna drink.

And if I did, I certainlywouldcall Donna.

I mean, she and I are just... We're just really clicking.

Oh, that's good. So why are you calling?

I know it's really late notice, but a friend of mine, uh, got engaged and she's throwing a party, and I thought, um, maybe you'd like to come.


Well, you're not my sponsor anymore, so I assume this is allowable.

I mean, it's just a casual get-together.

And they're having Sushi. You do like Sushi, don't you?


Okay, Peter, I just really...

Need us to be friends.

When I'm with you, I'm not myself, which is a good thing.

I can... I can relax when I'm with you in a way that I can't when I'm with other people.

With them, I have to pretend that I have it all together, but...

You know that I don't, so it's just so much easier.

Come on, it's just a...

It's just a dumb old party.


Do not call me again.


Paul! I am so glad you made it.

I appreciate the invitation, Edie.

Although, frankly, I'm a little surprised to get it considering how people in this neighborhood feel about me.

Oh. You know me. I like to be inclusive.

Ooh! It's heavy.

Uh, unh-unh. This is flat.

I think I'd like, um...

A rusty nail.

A what now?

It's a cocktail, well, I'm not really sure what's in it.

But it sounds obscure and complicated, so chop-chop.

Be right there.

Hey, hey. Put that down. We gotta go.

Our birth mother just went into labor. What?

That's fantastic! Yeah, can you believe it? We're gonna be parents.

I'll go get the car. Come on.

We were supposed to have four weeks.

She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks.

We don't have anything! We don't... we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink.


Exactly. We're not ready!

You know, this is a total inconvenience.

Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

This is your father's bartender Bible.

See if you can find a recipe for a rusty nail. Okay.

Um, mom?

Where'd you find that?

It was stuck in here between a pink squirrel and a pisco sour.


Well, why is your father keeping this?

Why do you think?

Hey, susie.

Karl, this marriage...

Our marriage, this fake marriage, that's what it is, right? Fake.

What are you talking about?

What's this?


Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Okay, then, repeat after me.

"Our marriage is fake, "and I'm going to marry the woman ireallylove...

Edie britt."

If that's what you want me to say.

No, no, no, no! It's not about whatiwant you to say.

Youhave to want to say that you want to marry Edie.

Don't worry about this, susie.

Why are you hanging on to that?

I need to look at it from time to time.


Consider it my punishment.

For screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no. This is not happening.

No, what? Mmm. Mmm!

Oh, Karl! Oh! Will you...

Are you crazy?! Just tell me what to do, susie.

If you want me to marry Edie, I will.

You want me to call off the wedding, I'll do it.

I'll do whatever you want. I'm putty.

Karl! Whoa!

What are you doing?

I'm, just, uh, putting away some coats.


Well, it's time to open my presents.

Let's go.


Oh, hello.


Hi. Um, I need some advice from a professional.

I'd like to get stinking drunk.

Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry?

I forgot the lamaze book in my purse!

Oh, forget it. Come on. Let's go. We'll wing it.

Oh, we missed it!

The kid just slipped right out.

Are you family?

They're the parents.

Would you like to help?

No, thanks.

You guys look like you got it covered.

Oh, are you sure, honey?

Come on, Gaby.

I just, um...

I-I don't wanna do anything to screw it up.

She won't break.





Oh, honey, you were right.

About what?

It was all worth it.

Serving bowls. Just what I needed, Lynette.

There's a gift receipt taped to the bottom of the box.

Oh. Thank god!

Okay, the next one is from Felicia.

I do hope you like it.

Oh, you know what they say...

Good things come in small packages.

What is it?



They were my dear sister Martha's.

I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.


Thank you.

I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie.

I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by, since she left us so... Abruptly.

You know, when Paul young strangled her, crushed her windpipe and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.

Felicia, uh... I think you've had enough.

I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but... while you all are chitchatting and eating these gummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember...

You're in the company of a murderer.




Why didn't you call Donna?


I don't need Donna.

I need you.

You know, I don't even like redheads.

Okay, it's my turn.

Shh. In a minute.

Come on, you're hogging her.

Tell me! You tell me who it is, Libby.

Are you drunk?

Who is he, Libby? Hmm?

I got to know.

I already told you, he's just some rodeo guy.

I don't even remember his name. Liar!

What are you doing?

I am gonna light myself on fire.

He's gonna light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?

Would not have been my choice.

Tell me his name, or I'm gonna do it!

Frank, you're being an idiot.

Aah! Aah!

It was Dale, okay? It was Dale.

Security to maternity.

My brother Dale? He's a kid!

Well, he's 19, frank. He knows which end is up.

Wait, what is she saying?

There's a father.

Hey! Hey!

No. Leave me alone!

I'm not giving up the baby.

Let's get him out of here.

No! No!

Security to o-b. Security to o-b, stat.

What the hell are you doing?

Taking our baby home.

She's not ours. The papers aren't valid anymore.

She has a father.

Do youreallywanna leave this beautiful little girl with that white trash freak show?!


Well, come on, then.


Maternity. Maternity.

All right.

Hurry up!

I'm hurrying.

Man, there's a lot of straps on this thing!

How does this thing go in? Read the instructions!

"Pass strap 'a' through strap 'b, ' making sure that the harness clip is at the chest level."

Well, which damn one is the harness clip? That isafter the baby is in.

You have to connect it to the car first!

I told you we should've got an s.U.V.!

Okay, stop yelling! This is very complicated.

Oh, for god's sakes. Just take the baby.

Wow. We're good to go.

Give me the baby.

You know this isn't gonna end well.

You know, they're just gonna try and take her back.

Maybe. But we don't have to make it easy for them.

Gaby, I...

Look, just buckle up!

Temptation comes to all of us.

Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise.

Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame, flickering back to life.

Or a new friend who could end up being so much more.

Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had.

And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences.