Desperate Housewives S2E2 Script

You Could Drive a Person Crazy (2005)

Previously on "Desperate Housewives"... Why on earth would you let them finger paint before breakfast?

It's my job to clean that up, so it's my call.

Some households reversed roles.

Let's give this another shot.

Some old flames...

You want me back?


Were put out.

It has to be something you're ingesting.

Who prepares your meals?

I understand you've been having some marital problems.

And while some learn to forgive...

Deirdre got pregnant before I went to jail.

Zach is your son, isn't he?



Others could not bring themselves to forget their past.

The remarkable thing about Danny Farrell was that he had only been a paperboy for six months, and in that time, he had become the enemy of every woman on Wisteria Lane.

If there was a puddle on someone's property...

He found it.

If a new rosebush had just been planted...

He destroyed it.

If a cat was enjoying a moment in the sun...

He ended it.

People wondered if Danny would ever change.

They should have talked to Susan Mayer.

She could have told them...

Obnoxious boys tend to become obnoxious men, just like the one...

She had been married to.


Carl, I see you. Just stop right there.

Hey, susie q.

What are you doing?

I'm just gettin' the paper.

That's Edie's paper, and this is Edie's house.

Do we have to do this now? I haven't had my coffee yet.

Did you spend the night with Edie?

Oh, my god.

Susie, just calm down.

You are forbidden from ever seeing her again.

Do you hear me? Forbidden!

We're divorced. You can't tell me who I can date.

I live on this street. Your daughter lives on this street.

I will not have you flaunting your sexcapades in front of us.



I would love to continue this, but it's time for breakfast, and Edie is making me a frittata.

Oh! Well, I just bet she is.

Mrs. Mayer, I gotta talk to you.

Oh, now is not a good time, Danny.

You're a month behind in your payments.

I'll take care of it, I promise.

My dad says, if you read something and don't pay for it that's the same as stealing.

Hi, ida. Can we talk about this later?

I just found out my ex is dating my neighbor, and I'm really ticked off.

Save it! I provide you a service, and I deserve to be paid for that service.

Yes, the women of Wisteria Lane believe Danny Farrell to be the enemy.


They also believed the enemy of my enemy is my friend.


Beautiful lawns...

Spacious homes...

Happy families...

These are the hallmarks of suburbia, but if you look beneath the veneer of gracious living, you will see a battle raging...

A battle for control.

You see the combatants everywhere...

Engaged in their routine skirmishes... Get outta here!

Fighting fiercely to have dominion over the world around them, all the while knowing...

It's a battle they will lose.

Oh, hey, honey, um, just stick that anywhere.

I'll take care of it.

Wow. It's really pilin' up.

Oh, uh, don't worry. I have a system.


Yeah, every two days, I clean.

Two days.

Yeah, I let the mess accumulate for two days, and then I clean until it's sparkling, and then, uh, the cycle starts all over again.

And why...

Have I never seen the sparkling part?

Well, because by the time you get home from work, the boys have messed everything up again.

See? That's what I would call a flaw in the system.

What are you doin'?

I think I'm asking you to clean the house.

Really? 'Cause it sounds to me like you're criticizing me.


No, no, no, no. No.

I'm not saying it has to be sparkling.

How many times did I come home to a mess and I never said a word?

Please, don't take this the wrong way.

I think you are doing a terrific job, but let's be clear.

When you came home, it was to clutter.

I mean, come on, this is...

More than that.

Look at him, just chatting away.

So inconsiderate.

Phyllis, we've only been waiting here for two minutes.

I told you when we left the house that I needed to eat.

I have low blood sugar.

Do you wanna see me keel over?

No... in theory.

Here you are.

Thank you.

By the way, Mrs. Van De Kamp, I heard about your husband's passing.

I'm so sorry. Dr. Van De Kamp was one of my favorite customers, truly.

That's very sweet of you. Thank you.

I'm not just being polite, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

How are you feeling?

Well, Mr. Pashmutti...

We're holding up as best we can under the circumstances.

I'm sorry. This is, uh, Rex's mother, Phyllis.

I'm so sorry about your son.

Thank you. You know, the hardest thing is to lose a child.

I can't even imagine.

Come on, Phyllis. Let's get you something to eat.

We had no warning. I was doing dishes when I got the call.


Phyllis, there are people waiting, so come on.

Excuse me. I... I'm so sorry, but my son just passed away.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Thank you. I mean, I was telling Mr. Pashmutti here, my life is... is over.

My life is over.

This is ridiculous, you know that? Pen.

Don't you think I have better things to do than to bring you checks every day, checks that I could be signing at home?

This one's dry.

You know, taking away my access to our account, that's just vindictive.

Thank you. Do you know how long it takes me to schlep out here to this hellhole?

Exactly. It's the only way I can guarantee you'll come and visit me.

That's ridiculous. You're my husband. I love you.

Obviously, I would come visit.

I thought it was obvious that when you love someone, you wouldn't have an affair. I was wrong, wasn't I?

I'm getting really tired of this song, Carlos.

Isn't it about time you forgave me?

You want my forgiveness, you got it. My trust...

That you're gonna have to earn.

Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely.

Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money.

Why are all rich men jerks?

The same reason all beautiful women are bitches.

So same time tomorrow?

Sure, baby.

What do you mean, you know?

I mean, I know.

What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie britt?

Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand.

He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now. What?

How could you not tell me that? We share everything.

That's what we're known for. That's our thing.

Because I knew you'd wig out.

Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?

Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it. Are you done?

No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie britt yet.

Oh, that peroxide vulture.

I just know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off.

Wrong again. What?

He asked her out.

You lie. It's true.

He called her for a date six months ago...

The day after my birthday party.

The one at the piano bar?


What is it? Oh, um...

Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff.

You know, some stuff that I haven't...

And can't tell you.

Wait. Whatever happened to "we share everything"?

Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?

Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes.

Yeah. I think that's our thing.

Why does he keep doin' that?

He knows it's annoying.

He's just trying to get to us.

Yeah, well, it's working.

Knock it off, down there, do you hear what I'm saying?!

Matthew. Matthew!

Sit down.

You know we don't talk to him.

That's part of his punishment.

How can you just sit here hour after hour and listen to that?

Well, that's part of mine.

Carlos, what is this big emergency?

I had to cancel my hair appointment with Eduardo today.

Baby, what is it?

I'm completely freaked out.


There's this guy, his name's Richie, and he's been saying some stuff to me, and I'm gettin' worried.

Honey, you and your macho pride.

Just tell him you're flattered, but you don't swing that way.

He's not hitting on me, you idiot, he's threatening me.

Really? How?

He said he's gonna beat me up unless I come up with some money.

Well, how much money?


$7,000?! Keep your voice down.

Why would he think you have that kind of money?

Because yesterday, in a visiting room filled with criminals, my wife referred to me as a rich man.

Oh, right. Sorry.

That's why I needed you to bring the checkbook.

He's actually willing to take a check?


You're gonna take the money to his girlfriend, and if she doesn't get it by tomorrow, I'm screwed.

Honey, I think this is a mistake.

If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money.

What choice do I have?

You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for god sakes.

Yeah, it was for golf.


You have all my pants.

Yeah, I know. Come on in.

I, uh, thought when I took my stuff back to my house I got everything.

Oh, it's fine. They're in the garage.

So how have you been doing?

Good. Um... I'm, uh, good.

I got a question for ya. Sure, what is it?

Where are we now? Where are we?

Yeah. We're not moving in together and we're not broken up, so where are we?

I don't know.

Since the guy who held me hostage turned out to be your son, I think logic dictates that I should move on.

The problem is...

I'm crazy about you.


So I'm thinking we should keep it casual.


What the hell does that mean, exactly, um, casual?


Well, I-I don't...

I don't think there's anything wrong with us seeing a movie once in awhile.

A movie. Okay. Is that it?


There's no law against jogging.

Anything else?

Shopping. That's casual. That's fun.

Anything else we can do?

Anything at all?

Mmm, brunch.

Brunch would be nice.

Sounds good to me.

All I can do is take it one day at a time.


Oh, okay. Well...

Thanks so much for calling.

Who was that?

Oh, someone named Alan hanley.

My electrician?

Why were you on the phone sobbing to my electrician?

Oh, he called to offer you his condolences.

Then why didn't you put me on?

Oh, well, we got to talking, and then he had to go.

He... he had some very beautiful things to say about Rex.

For god sakes, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?

Are you saying that I am too emotional?

I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again.

My son is dead. I'm grieving.

So am I, but no one would ever know it with your incessant caterwauling.


People want to know how I'm doing, but the minute they ask, you... you jump into the spotlight, and they forget all about me.

I need consoling, too, Phyllis. Have you ever thought of that?

I'm sorry.

It won't happen again.

Thank you.

Of course, if you didn't constantly suppress your emotions, people wouldn't forget to console you.

Excuse me?

Well, it's true. You're stoic to the point of being cold.

I am not cold. I just...

Well, I don't like public displays of emotion.

Well, that's fine, but people wonder why they haven't seen you cry.

I mean, some people actually wonder if you truly mourn Rex.

People have said that?

A few, yes.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Rita Rivera.

Hi, are you Rita?

Yeah, who are you?

I'm, uh, I'm Gabrielle solis.

Our... our husbands are roommates at the prison.

Richie and I aren't married.

Oh, I see. Well, uh, your boyfriend asked my husband to give this to you.

It's a sort of favor.

It's all there. $7,000.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, don't even think about it.

Um, hello...

Is there a problem?

Let me ask you a question. Okay.

This might seem kind of weird, but what do you think of my breasts?

Excuse me? I mean, how do they look to you?

Uh, they're... they're nice.

Thank you. I like 'em, too.

You're right. That was weird.

You have no idea what this money is for, do you?

Uh, no.

No. You... you seem to have everything you need.

Richie wants me to get a boob job.

He wants 'em bigger.

He's obsessed with huge breasts.

So are you gonna do it?

I told him if he came up with the cash, I would.

I just never thought the moron would actually come up with it.

Not that it's any of my business, but it's your body.

I wouldn't change anything unless I really wanted to.

But if I don't do it, he'll leave me.

Honey, he's in jail. How far is he gonna go?

Maybe it's time you stood up for yourself.

Tell him you don't need the surgery.

It's worth a shot.

There you go. I am so proud of you.

When Lynette went back to work, she was aware her new job would be demanding.

What she hadn't anticipated...

Was the night shift.

Hey, honey, I thought I heard you come in about an hour ago.

I did. I had to load the dishwasher.

You didn't have to do that.

Yeah, I sorta did.

I'm sorry. I've just fallen behind on my housework.

I just had so many errands to run today.

But I'll make up for it tomorrow, okay? I promise.

That's the beauty of my system...

It's flexible.

You know, for the sake of our marriage, please don't mention the system again.

I said I'm sorry.

What in the world? No, no, don't touch that. Don't touch that.

Um, penny had a little, um, spitty-uppy on the sheets.

And you didn't change them?

The towel is very clean.

Oh, that's disgusting. No, it's just a little spit...

A little milky spit up on the sheets.

Please, I made a judgment call. Please respect that.

No, I can't respect that, and do you know why?

It's stupid.

I'm gonna get new sheets.

We are not changing the sheets.

Why are you yelling at me?

I am not yelling at you, and this is not about spit up. Of course it is.

No, it isn't. It's about control.

And as you and I both know, you have some issues in this area.

Why are you fighting so hard to sleep on baby vomit?

I am fighting for a principle.

Being too lazy to change the sheets is not a principle.

You know what? You're not gonna win this one.

So you'd better just crawl back into bed, and let's go to sleep.

No, Tom!

Tom, no! I'm gonna change the sheets!

Oh, come on! No, you come on!

Just get up! Get up!

That's it! All right, fine!

Fine! Fine! Fine!


Normally Lynette would have spent a sleepless night telling herself she didn't have control issues.

But she couldn't.

She was too busy figuring out how to bend Tom to her will.

Ugh! Aah!



Welcome to the promised land.

Go on.


Good job!

Uh, Betty? Betty?

Oh, Betty, can I ask you a question?

Of course. It's Susan, right?

Yes, hi. I was just wondering, are you having some remodeling done on your house or something?

No. Why?

Well, uh, I work at home, so I'm home a lot working.

And I just keep hearing these noises lately.

Uh, it's hard to concentrate.

Well, I haven't noticed anything.

Really? It sounds like it's coming from your house.

You know, it's like a clanging... clanging.

There! There, that was it. Did you hear it?

Oh, yes. Matthew's very handy.

He's always doing projects around the house.

I guess I just don't notice the noise anymore.

Even at 2:00 in the morning?

'Cause that's kind of hard to miss.

I'm so sorry.

Matthew is something of an insomniac, Susan.

But I will talk to him, and we'll put a stop to it.

Afternoon, Mrs. Mayer.

Hi, Matthew.

Well, it was nice chatting with you, Susan.

This is my third phone call, Mr. Flannery.

And if someone doesn't call me back soon, I'm going to be irritated.

Is everything all right?

That darn insurance company is dragging its heels on paying Rex's policy, and I don't understand why.

Well, he died unexpectedly.

And that brings up a lot of questions.

It's probably easier when people are just diseased.


Hi. Hi. Oh, hi, Lynette.

I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

No, no, not at all.

I saw you walk in, and I've been meaning to call since the service, but work's been so crazy so... How are you doing?

Um, I'm all right.

Well, you look amazing.

Do I?


Well, I can't imagine what you're going through.


You're going to have to stop that.

I can't help it.

When people talk about Rex, i-i...

I just get emotional.

Well, I'm very sorry for your loss, too, Phyllis.

He was my firstborn.

I don't know what I will do without him.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Is she gonna be okay?

Um, yeah. Sure. Hold on a second.

There we go. Feel better?

Lynette, you were saying?

I forgot.

That's all right. It was really sweet of you to stop by.


So, uh, are we ready to order, or do you need a little more time?

I've been in the insurance industry for 15 years.

I've never received a phone call like this.

I'm having second thoughts about Rex's death.

I've known Rex and Bree for nearly 20 years.

And I've never had any reason to suspect they were anything but a happy, loving couple, which is why this seems so strange.

I found it in Rex's room after he coded.

"I forgive you"?

George, what are you doing here?

I'm here to kidnap you.


Get your purse. I'm gonna take you bowling.

I-I don't know how to bowl.

Or to the movies or for a frozen yogurt.

Whatever you want.

Um, thank you, but I just couldn't.

Ah, Bree, I'm sure you haven't gone anywhere in weeks.

You gotta get out and do things. It'll help. Trust me.

I do. I'm just...

I'm just not ready yet.

But it was very sweet of you to think of me.

Well, you know, I tried.

And I appreciate that.

It's all right.

Let it out.

You want me to die in here, don't you?

Carlos, what happened?

What do you mean, "what happened?"

You talked Rita out of taking the money. Is that what Richie said?

Yeah, the subject came up in between kidney punches.

Well, it's not my fault. She didn't want the money.

Why wouldn't she want $7,000?

Because it's for a boob job. So?

So her boobs are fine. And, honestly, what he's doing to her self-esteem is just cruel.

I feel sorry for her.

Please, you don't care about her self-esteem any more than I do.

You just didn't want to give up all that money.

Well, I do think it's silly to give someone $7,000 if they don't want it.

Listen to me, you're gonna go back there, you're gonna put that money in Rita's hands, and you're gonna convince her that life is not worth living unless she has jugs the size of Texas.

Do I make myself clear?

I just realized Rita and I have a lot in common.

Please don't tell me you have low self-esteem, 'cause if I laugh now, I'm gonna crack the one good rib that I have left.

We are both controlled by our husbands, which is idiotic because they're both behind bars.

We should have all the power. I am not trying to control you.

I just don't wanna end up in the morgue.

This isn't about that.

Gabrielle, the morphine's wearing off.

I really don't have time for these games.

Me either, Carlos. And if you expect me to go back and sweet talk her into getting the operation, I can't show up empty-handed.

Fine, bring me the checkbook.

I'll make out a check for some cash.

See I was thinking I'd be writing the checks.


Careful, Carlos, you're not in a position to argue.

Whoo-hoo! Susan!

Hey, Edie.

So, uh, whee! Ha ha.

How much do you hate me? What?

Oh, Karl said that you know all about our dirty little secret.

Yes, yes, I do. Well, I feel awful.

I should have told you that I was doing your ex.

Well, it would've been the classy thing to do.

Well, etiquette is a lost art for a lot of people.

You've gotta believe me, I never, ever thought anything would happen with us.

But on our first date, Karl took me to a Mexican restaurant.

You know what I get like when I drink Tequila.

A couple of shooters and my bra unhooks itself.

Circumstances beyond your control. I get it.

So if you'll excuse me.

Hey. Hey, hey.

I am offering you an opportunity here.

I mean, go ahead... vent.

Let me have it.

Come on, tell me what a bitch I am.

Yeah, for snacking on your leftovers. I deserve it.

Come on, bring it on. Honestly, Edie, I don't mind.

You can skate off into the sunset with Karl.

Be my guest.

Well, that's good to know.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but...

While we were in my jacuzzi last night...

Karl said it was the best sex he's ever had, bar none.

Actually, I'm glad that you shared that, because here's a tidbit for you.

Karl said he's still in love with me.

Edie, what are you doing? You are a lying liar.

We're in the middle of the street.

Would you get out of here? Karl never said that.

Okay, Karl asked me to get back together the day after Julie's birthday.

I said no, which I'm guessing is the reason for the now legendary Tequila bra-popping incident.

Please let go. Oh, no. We're not finished here.

Well, yes, we are. I'm gonna go.

You don't have the guts.

In five seconds, I'm gonna punch it.

Yeah? I'll key your car!

Not if you're sucking my exhaust, you won't.

Take back what you said! No, I won't!

Admit it, you'd do anything to destroy my happiness!

Edie, for god's sake.

Why would I care if you end up with a man I despise?

'Cause you and Mike are finished.

Yeah, word's out.

And now that you can't be happy, you don't want anyone else to be, period.

Edie, come back here!

We're not finished yet!

It was an accident, Karl.

Edie knows it was an accident, right?

She knows you could've killed her.

As it is, she's got a shattered tibia.

Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

I sent roses. Did she get the roses?

Yep, she cut herself on the thorns.

Oh, my god.

Why'd you tell Edie about our little conversation?

Well, she was gloating about sleeping with you, and I just wanted to shut her up.

Oh. So you were jealous?


No! It's just... we were married.

And... and she's trying to make this tawdry little affair you guys have going on par with that.

It's just... I got mad.

Susan, you remember the morning you saw me with Edie's paper?

Well, the night before, I had asked her if she'd like to live together.

And she said yes.


Just give me a moment. I'm asking god to kill me.

Oh, look, she... she's fun. She goes with the flow.

You know, at this time in my life, I need that.

Are you... In love with her?

Would you care if I were?

I want you to be happy.

I even sort of want Edie to be happy. But what?

I wanna be happy first.

Mike and I were supposed to move in together, you know?

This was supposed to be my time.

I heard you and the plumber were having problems.

Is it over?

I don't know.

It's really complicated.

So you never answered my question.

Are you in love with her?

I don't know.

But I can promise you this much...

I have never loved another woman the way I loved you.

You walked out on me.

Yeah, but look how far I got.

I'm just up the street.

Mommy, mommy, thank god, you're home.

Hey, sweet pea. Why? What's wrong?

Daddy found a rat.

Oh, did he now?


I'm home.

Hey, babe. Hey.

Hi, how was your day?

It was good, but, more importantly, how was yours?

Parker told you about the rat, huh?


Oh, my god, it was so disgusting.

I came down the steps, and there it was, sitting on the counter eating a leftover grilled cheese sandwich.

The sandwiches from yesterday?

Okay, yes, the house has been too messy.

Obviously, my system has some kinks in it.

But check it out. I got my act together.


So, um, I take it you took the rat outside?

Oh, no, I smashed it with a shovel.

You killed it?

Not with the first blow.

Whew. Disgusting.


Little guy.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what happened...

With the shovel.

Neither one of us saw that coming.

I know it's not much consolation, but you really helped my marriage.

That's a lot for a little rat to accomplish in one lifetime.

Well, it's getting late, so...

Hat's off to ya.

So you'd say the abuse started a few years into your marriage?

It started so slowly, I didn't realize what was happening.

I mean, he'd slap me over some little problem.

But he'd always apologize.

Then it got worse.

And one day, eight years ago, my son spilled soda on our new carpet.

Before I could move to protect him, Virgil had knocked him on the ground and began kicking him.

I wanted to protect my baby, but I didn't get there in time.

What happened to your son?

Well, he died.

I came across one of his baby pictures last weekend.

That's when the nightmares started again.

The last doctor I saw said that I needed to let go of my guilt, and then I would start sleeping again.

Of course, that's easier said than done.

And I am getting so tired.

I'm gonna start you on nitrazepam.

That should do the trick.

Thank you.

I certainly hope your husband was punished for what he did.

Oh, there was retribution.

I made sure of that.

Where are you off to?

I'm, uh, I'm going to see Rex's lawyer.

We're going to go over some details involving Rex's will.


Obviously, I'm just mortified over slapping you.

I've... I've just been in a weird place since Rex's death, but...

That's no excuse.

I'm very, very sorry.

No need to apologize.

You're family. All's forgiven.


It's been a difficult time for all of us.

I totally understand.

Now, go.

You don't want to be late for your meeting about Rex's will.

Claims. This is Joe flannery.

Hello, um, could I speak to someone about the death benefits for Rex Van De Kamp, please?

This is his mother.

Yes, uh, we've already spoken to his wife several times.

We are moving as quickly as we can.

Are you aware that my daughter-in-law has a boyfriend?

I'm listening.


It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it.

Some rely on deception.

While others engage in outright trickery.

Then there are those who resort to extortion.

Why do we fight so hard for control?

Because we know to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others.

And what could be more dangerous?