Desperate Housewives S2E21 Script

I Know Things Now (2006)

Previously on...

Until the adoption is legally finalized, the birth mother can still change her mind, and she has. Warrants were issued...

I'm going to fire Tom. If you just fire him, he'll sue you, and I'll back him up. You need cause.

Well, I guess I'll have to find cause. Decisions were made...

I'm going to do something so awful, it is going to rock her world.

Threats were spoken...

So what the hell are we gonna do?

And plans...

Phenobarbital?

It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves.

Were put into action.

The most successful private investigator in Fairview was a man named Oliver Weston.

Try though he might, Oliver couldn't remember the exact moment he stopped believing in love.

Was it the night he caught an executive cheating with his secretary?

Or was it the day he saw a housewife cheating with her delivery boy?

Or was it the time he caught the girl next door cheating with the couple who lived across the street?

Whenever the moment, Oliver Weston was now officially a cynic who only believed in betrayal and suspicion.

Luckily for Oliver, that's what paid his bills.

Okay, you forgot fighting.

What are you doing?

Oh. Sorry, man. Are these your bushes?

I'll clean that all up when I'm done.

It'll be like I was not here.

You're done now. Whoa, easy, big fella.

I'm just a p.I. Doing a domestic surveillance job.

For who?

The blonde lady at the end of the street.

Edie britt?

Yeah. That's her fiancé.

Apparently, he dumped her for another woman, and I just figured out who.

Susan? There's nothing going on there.

They used to be married. She's only talking to him because they have a kid together. From what I heard, they're on their way to kid number two.

Well, you don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, and you don't know these soccer moms like I do.

By day, they bake cookies and carpool.

But dim the lights and bam... They turn into total pigs.

She's not like that.

Oh, please. Look at her.

That woman clearly knows her way around a mattress.

Yes, Oliver Weston had become a cynic, which is why he couldn't recognize a man who was still in love.

Every family has a way of hiding what it doesn't want seen...

Whether it's with a picture that covers a stain on the wall...

Or with a closet door that conceals the chaos inside...

Or with artificial smiles that mask years of pain and heartache, every family goes to great lengths to hide ugly truths.

Some, of course, go further than others.

So are you gonna do this tonight?

No, the ice cream is for tomorrow.

I'm taking Caleb on a picnic to rockwater lake.

I'm preparing all of his favorite foods.

So when you're done, you're just gonna...

Leave him lying there?

No.

I'll call 9-1-1 anonymously, but I will be watching from a distance to make sure that... That they pick up his body.

You know, mom, you don't have to do this.

I won't let him hurt another girl, and I will not turn him over to people who will mock and abuse him.

I just won't.

His last day on this earth is going to be a perfect one.

Oh, no, thanks, xiao-Mei.

The poor thing. She was so attached to Lily.

Where'd all this food come from?

The people from Carlos' church.

So you think you and Carlos will try for another adoption?

I don't think I could go through that pain again. Hmm.

I did freeze some of my eggs, so we might do the surrogacy thing, but I don't know.

Honey, you've got to eat something. I don't have an appetite.

In fact, this is all gonna go to waste.

You guys should take something. No, no, you should keep it.

I'll take a couple.

What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone.

Food fills the void.

Xiao-Mei, I appreciate your grief, but, really, you're bringing everybody down. Will you pull it together?

Mrs. Solis...

I don't understand. It's from the government.

Let me see.

Gaby, she's being deported.

Xiao-Mei, is this the first letter like this you've received?

Oh, my... This can't be happening.

I can't go home!

My uncle will sell me again.

Oh, no, no, xiao-Mei, you're not going anywhere.

Hey, you're much too important to Carlos and me.

We're gonna fight this and we're gonna win.

Gaby, you can't promise her that.

Bree, you heard what she said.

I can't let this poor kid go back to China and become someone's slave.

Thank you.

All right. Look, my friends wanna take some of this to go, so pack it up, and we're a little low on coffee.

You're actually gonna let me eat this?

Well, you've been working so hard, off on business trips all the time.

Tonight, we throw caution and cholesterol to the wind.

You deserve a little comfort food.

Oh, no, you're pregnant.

God, your mind goes to dark places.

Honey, you just served me a plate of full-fat gouda.

What's up?

Okay, well...

Remember I was helping ed spark up his love life?

Yeah, you sent his wife those sexy I.M.S. Why?

Well, Fran found out that ed didn't send them, and she blew her top.

She wants the responsible party fired, and ed lied and told her...

That you sent them.

But... but it wasn't me. It was you.

I know.

Oh, oh, but ed couldn't possibly lose you.

No, no, no, I'm the expendable one.

Look, I know it's ridiculous, but ed is not a rational person.

Fran has him whipped, and a whipped husband is someone we must take very seriously.

Okay.

How do we handle this?

You're under contract.

Ed can't fire you unless he has just cause.

So until this blows over, you have to be a model employee.

Show up on time, no more 3-Martini lunches, and above all, have ready all your presentations.

I can't believe I'm being victimized like this.

Well, honey, in all fairness...

Those are all things you should be doing anyway.

Fine!

Andrew, I am having Peter over for dinner tomorrow night, and I was wondering if you would like to invite Justin?

Yeah. Um, thanks. I'll... I'll call him tonight.

Since you two are having your boyfriends over, can I invite Matthew? Out of the question.

So let me get this straight... You can date a lush, and he can bring over his gay lover, but god forbid I date a hot black guy.

Until they lock Caleb up, I don't want you anywhere near that family.

His brother tried to rape you, and his mother keeps the guy locked up in a basement.

I mean, let's face it, Danielle, even you could do better.

Since when do you take mom's side over mine?

Your brother and I had a talk, and we've come to a détente of sorts.

Really? Even after she screwed you out of your trust fund?

Well, he did falsely accuse me of child abuse.

I would say we're even. Wouldn't you, Andrew?

Sure, mom. We're even.

You can stop smiling now.

I know your face is tired. What?

I'm not stupid. I know you hate her now as much as ever.

Mom and I are in a good place right now.

Why can't you believe that?

Hi. I got your message. What's up?

Come on in.

This is Oliver Weston.

He's a p.I. Edie hired.

Edie hired a... p.I.?

Yeah. He's been spying on you and Karl.

How you doing?

He thinks you two have been having an affair.

Me and Karl?

Why would you think that?

Come on, suze. You know we're meant to be together.

Karl, just stop.

Well...

That is Karl being nostalgic.

You said yourself, the sex last week was the best you ever had.

Okay, um...

First of all, it wasnot the best sex I ever had.

I just said that to make him feel better.

Obviously, you were the best sex I ever had.

That explains the punch in the face.

I'm gonna hit you again if you don't shut up.

I know that this looks bad...

You were actually fooling around with Karl behind Edie's back.

No, no, no! No, Karl lied to me.

He told me that he and Edie had split up before...

You know what? I don't even care. Mike...

Are we done here? Yeah.

Good night, Susan.

Oh...

Hey! Hey, you, wait, wait, wait. Um...

Okay, you cannot tell Edie about this.

Whatever she's paying you, I'll pay you double.

She paid a 2-grand retainer plus expenses.

$2,000?

Jeez! I gotta get into real estate.

Okay, I don't have that kind of cash.

Well, then, I guess I take the tape to miss britt.

I have a copy!

Ugh!

Okay, let's try this another way.

You are about to unleash a nuclear explosion.

Lives are going to be ruined.

I'll tell you what.

I'll hold off till Monday to report to Ms. Britt.

Yes! That'll give you some time to scrape together a little cash. What if I can't?

I'm sorry, but xiao-Mei missed all of her appeal deadlines.

So that's it? You're just gonna send her back to China?

My hands are tied.

If your maid were married to an American citizen, or had a child who was an American citizen, or if she were a well-known entertainer...

Uh...

What if she was pregnant withan American citizen?

Uh, xiao-Mei?

We spoke to homeland security, and we have good news!

I can stay?

Mm-hmm!

Oh! Thank you!

Oh! Okay. Thank you!

Uh... well, there's just onelittlething...

Um...

The immigration laws have gotten really tough in this country, so we're a little behind the eight ball going in.

But we pled your case, and we fought tooth and nail, and the law says you can stay...

But only if you have our baby.

What?

The agent said that if you were...

Pregnant with an American citizen, then they couldn't deport you.

So we thought, you need a baby in your belly, we need a surrogate...

Win-win-win.

"Sur-ro-gate"?

Oh, well, it would beourbaby.

It would just be growing inside of you.

I...

Okay, uh... well...

Uh... oh! Okay, it's like this...

The three of us are making your famous szechuan dumplings, And I'm the dough, and Carlos is the pork, and you're the oven.

I have baby?!

Okay, we take care of everything.

You know, uh, hospital bills and maternity clothes and lamaze classes.

And, of course, you wouldn't have to do any work.

Well, uh, maybe just a little light dusting.

Nothing major.

No!

No, xiao-Mei, you don't have a choice.

It's either this or go back to China.

No to baby!

No!

Had to push the dusting, didn't you?

Peter, I don't think I'm being unreasonable here.

It's not like I'm gonna advertise my addiction history, but if your kids ask a direct question, I'm not gonna lie to them.

Right! Uh-huh. Good point.

Listen, I don't expect you to lie about the alcoholism. I mean, they know that's how we met.

It's just... You know, the other thing.

Oh! The other thing. They're just getting to know you, and so I want them to focus on your good qualities.

I just don't know how they'll react if they find out that you're a sex addict.

What are you so happy about?

You know how you were mad at mom about not letting Matthew come to dinner?

Yeah?

I just figured out the funniest way for you to get back at her.

Okay, what's on the schedule for today?

I have got the Boston toy presentation ready to go.

Actually, I don't have time for a full pitch, so just give me the gist.

Excuse me?

You know, boil it down. Give me one line.

Okay, basically, it's "toys are fun."

I hate it. How can you hate it? I only gave you three words.

It's three words I hate.

Okay, I'm gonna take over the Boston toy company account.

No, you cannot take over... In the meantime, you should all be aware I don't like the way you people have been filing your expense reports.

There's been a lot of padding.

Meanwhile, this company is hemorrhaging money.

I'm gonna put a stop to it, so I have hired a forensic accountant.

He's gonna go through them, make sure everything's kosher.

And I find one receipt, one bar tab that's fishy, it's grounds for dismissal.

Oh, Scavo?

He's gonna start with you.

I can't believe that son of a bitch hired a forensic accountant.

He's more whipped than I thought.

Well, he's tragically underestimated us.

The gloves are coming off.

You know, maybe I should just quit.

What? Yesterday you were up in arms.

Now you're ready to cave? If ed is determined to get me, sooner or later, he's gonna get me. It's just a matter of time.

No, no! We are not backing down.

I'm gonna walk over to Ed's office right now, and I'm gonna make very clear that if you're out the door, I'm right behind ya. We can't both be unemployed.

Oh, it'll never happen. He knows this place will go down like a house of cards without me.

Honey, wait. Just wait!

What, what?

I'm not gonna hide behind my wife's skirt.

We're a team. I'm just lending support.

That's not the way it's gonna look to everybody else out there.

Look, let me talk to him, man to man.

If my way doesn't work, then we'll do it your way.

Okay, go get him.

Lynette filled me in about what happened with you and Fran and the I.M., and I gotta tell ya, this isn't fair. This isn't right.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Tom, what happened?

I think I gave him just cause.

Uh...

Susan knew she couldn't afford to keep the p.I.

From revealing her affair with Karl, and since Edie would learn the truth anyway, Susan felt it would be better if it came from her...

Which is how she came to write a letter begging Edie for forgiveness.

Her words were so sincere and heartfelt, from the moment she mailed it, Susan knew...

She was a dead woman.

You know, Caleb...

Since the day you were born, I've always thought of you as a blessing.

You do know that, right?

I guess.

How come Matty's not here?

Because this isourspecial day, just you and me.

Is he mad at me?

'Cause of Danielle?

No. He knows that you didn't mean to scare her.

'Cause he said it was okay for me to kiss her.

What did you say?

He said Danielle liked me and that she wouldn't fight me if I gave her a kiss.

Your brother told you that?

Matty said that she was waiting for me and that she wanted a really big kiss.

What else did your brother tell you?

Xiao-Mei?

I made you some hot cocoa.

I guess the baby thing didn't really appeal to you, huh?

I know it's a lot to ask, it's just, Carlos and I think of you as family.

Don't you think of us as family?

Oh, yes!

You are like mother to me.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if we are so friggin' close, what's the big deal?

It's nine months out of your life.

I will be ruined.

"Ruined"?

Down there.

Wait.

Are you a virgin?

Wow!

If I have baby, I will be shamed.

Are you kidding?

No one cares about virginity in this country.

It went out of style in the '50s, and trust me, honey, it ain't making a comeback.

Seriously, no one cares.

Husband would care.

No man want me if I ruined.

I want husband so much.

Well, what kind of husband do you want?

Do you want a rich husband?

Well, then, rich men don't marry virgins for the same reasons they don't hire chauffeurs who can't drive...

They value experience.

Really?

Would I lie to family?

Here are the numbers you wanted.

Lynette, wait.

Have you heard from Tom? He's not answering his cell phone.

But you don't have to worry, okay?

You got what you wanted. He's out of the building.

Come in here and close the door.

You sure? I might punch you, too.

I'll take my chances.

If this is where you want me to apologize for my husband, I'm not gonna do it.

Maybe he shouldn't have hit you, but you provoked him.

Now wait a minute... no! I'm sorry, tomgets punished becauseyoucan't deal with your screwed-up marriage.

It is pathetic, ed.

If you had stood up to your wife in the first place, none of this... what? I love it.

You're giving me crap about my marriage.

You know what? Here!

Oh, the forensic accountant found some interesting stuff in Tom's expense reports.

Yeah, it seems on his last three trips east, he cashed in his first-class ticket and took a detour to Atlantic city. What? That can't be right.

Well, it's all there... Hotels, bar tabs.

Oh, and on this page...

Two tickets to a show.

And flowers.

That doesn't make any sense.

There's gotta be some kind of an explanation for this.

Before you pass judgment on someone else's marriage, I'd clean up my own house first.

Sorry, I don't know what's taking Danielle so long to get dressed. Just give her a break, mom.

I'm sure she's just trying to look nice for our company.

Well, I hope she doesn't get too dressed up.

I like people to be comfortable.

Oh, I'm comfortable.

Honey, what are you wearing?

You got me this for Christmas. Don't you remember?

Yes, I just... I'm worried you might be a little cold.

Oh, I think it's plenty warm in here.

Don't you, Mr. Mcmillan?

Uh...

Sure.

Well, uh, we should probably start eating.

We don't want our frittatas to get cold.

Right. Good. Um, sorry. Everybody, dig in.

Wow!

Does anybody else think this salsa's a little too spicy?

I always say, "the hotter, the better."

So, Mr. Mcmillan, I hear you went to Perkins college.

I'm thinking about going there after I graduate.

Uh, Perkins, huh?

I was there. Yeah, I made it to every party, and I went to classes in my spare time.

No, actually, it's a great college. I think you'd like it.

Isn't this wonderful?

Good food, pleasant conversation...

This really is a very special night.

I feel the same way.

So, Peter, is it growing?

What?

Uh, the campus. Has it grown at all since you've been there?

Uh...

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's grown... Con-considerably.

I would just love to get my hands on a brochure.

The alumni association is always sending me stuff, you know.

I'll... I'll get yousomething!

Oh, my god, are you okay?

I just remembered, you know, this guy I'm sponsoring...

He said he needed to see me tonight, so I should go to him.

Well, I guess that's important, so...

Yeah, so I should go. No need to show me out.

What a shame.

I really wanted him to have a chance to get to know you guys.

Don't worry, I... I think we made an impression.

Hey. Hey!

I didn't know if you were coming back.

I waited until the parking lot cleared.

So, um...

What happened?

You said you were just gonna go in there and talk to him.

I know, I know.

I know I shouldn't have hit him.

But... What's done is done.

Anything else going on?

Like what?

I don't know.

Anything you wanna talk about?

'Cause there's nothing you couldn't tell me.

I would understand. No, I feel good about this.

It's okay, 'cause I didn't fit in around here anyway.

I'm gonna get another job some place else.

Everything's good.

And you, I love.

I love you, too.

You know what's weird?

No, what?

In all the years we have been married, I have never seen you lead with your fists.

Well...

Maybe I still got some surprises in me.

Maybe you do.

Is it done?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

We can mourn your brother later.

Right now there are things that still need to be done.

We need to get rid of everything...

Mattress, clothes, all of it.

Mom, the... the door's locked.

I know.

Mom, you need to open this door right now!

Mom!


Honey, why aren't you dressed yet?

We have to be at the fertility clinic in 40 minutes! Aw, shoot! Is that today?

And, uh, give xiao-Mei a kick in the pants.

I haven't seen her all morning.

Hey.

Today's the, uh, big day.

You ready to, uh, make a baby?

Ready.

Please...

Be gentle.

Honey, come on. We're gonna be late.

Hmm, uh...

I think she's confused as to how we're gonna make this baby happen.

Oh. And were you planning on setting her straight?

Next thing out of my mouth.

Come on! The guy's ready to explode.

I don't care. I'm not sleeping with mom's boyfriend.

You can't back out now. You were great the other night.

You got Peter on the hook. He's primed. I was just messing with his head to get back at mom. That's all.

Yeah, but why stop there? She's keeping you from Matthew.

Now, come on, she deserves this.

I'm not that stupid. Go grind your own ax.

That's him. I don't have time for this crap.

Now strip down to your bra and panties now. Get out of my room, you psycho!

Um, my mom won't be back for a while, so you probably don't wanna wait around. Well, that's okay.

I just wanted to make sure you got the Perkins catalog.

Uh, your mom told me that you're going on a tour there tomorrow.

Yeah. You're gonna love it.

The campus is beautiful, the teachers are amazing, and the student body is such a great mix.

You know, they're all about diversity.

Whatever.

All right, well, I'll let my mom know you stopped by.

Okay.

Andrew... I also wanted to apologize for leaving so fast the other night.

I...

I started to get the feeling that your sister was coming on to me, which was upsetting because...

You're a sex addict?

Your mom told you about that?

Let's just say the word's out.

But, um, I'm curious.

Back in the day, what kind of stuff were you into?

I don't know that I wanna talk about that.

Well, I just wanna make sure you're not into anything too freaky.

You know, I mean, you are dating my mom, and I'm kinda protective of her.

Well, you can relax.

I mean, I wasn't some sort of pervert, you know.

All I can say is... I went through a dark period, and I slept with a whole lot of people.

People?

What's wrong?

No, it's just that when most guys discuss their conquests, they don't say "people."

Oh, well...

No, it's okay.

I appreciate the fact that you value...

Diversity.

Who is it? Mike.

Susan?

Hi. Sorry.

I'm just on the lookout for Edie.

Oh, well, you can relax. Edie won't be coming after you.

Why? I talked to the p.I., and he's not gonna tell her anything.

What did you say?

I paid him off, so it's over.

I just thought you should know.

Well, wait.

Why would you do that?

People will just get hurt if it gets out.

I didn't see the point.

Uh... oh...

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey there. You look thirsty.

This is really nice of you, Mrs. Mayer.

To be honest with you, I wasn't even sure that you liked me.

And you know why? Because we're all so busy and detached from each other. You're at my house every day, and sure, we wave and we say hello, but we barely even know each other.

How long have you been delivering my mail, for god's sake? Three and a half weeks.

Really?

It seems like forever.

Let me top you off.

Oh, no, I couldn't. This is my third glass. I...

Seriously, I'm sloshin'.

Well, you probably wanna use the bathroom before you leave, huh?

No, I'm good. Are you sure?

Uh, I mean, you have such a long route, and that ice tea's gonna go right through ya.

It's better here than Mrs. McCluskey's hydrangeas.

Well, you know, uh... Maybe I will use your bathroom.

Great! Oh, the one down here is broken.

Why don't you use the one upstairs?

It's right off my bedroom.

Yeah.

Okay.

Got it.


I still can't believe it.

I mean, why would xiao-Mei just offer herself up to me like that?

Well, honey, she's a virgin.

Who knows why virgins do anything?

She's a virgin?

Are you serious?

Yeah. I wouldn't just slam her for no reason.

Mr. Solis?

It's time to collect your d.N.A.

Oh! Okay, honey, only good swimmers now.

If you like, we have a variety of magazines and videos available.

Mm... I think I'm good.

Gus? Are you okay up there?

Gus!

Uh, do you want me to keep the hat on?

I know it's a fantasy for some women.

Uh...

Mom?

Is the mailman here?

That's my daughter. Get dressed!

Mom?

Yes, honey! Gus the mailman is here!

He's using the bathroom. He'll be down in a minute.

Oh! Darn it.

Guess we'll have to take a rain check, huh?

I can come back on Tuesday.

Tu-Tuesday?

No, no, Tuesday's not good, 'cause Tuesday's the day I, um...

Become a lesbian.

Andrew?

Honey, where are you? I got your message.

What's the emergency?

Andrew?

Andrew?

Andrew?

Honey, what are you doing in my bed?

Have you seen my pants? I can't...

Nowwe're even.

Did you forget that we're supposed to take that tour of Perkins college today?

Seriously?

After last night, I didn't exactly think you'd be too keen on sitting next to me in a car for three hours.

Consider me a cheerleader for anything that expedites me getting you out from under my roof.

Glad we can come to an understanding.


Why'd we stop here? We have half a tank left.

There's so many things I wanna say to you, Andrew.

But mostly, I just want you to know how sorry I am.

Sorry for what?

Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally, and I thought that was the kind of love that I had for you.

Maybe if I had, it would've been different.

Why do I suddenly get the feeling we're not gonna make it out to Perkins college today?

What are you doing?

I packed up some of your things.

There's also, um, an envelope in here with some money, and that should tide you over until you get a job.

What, you're gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere?

I noticed a bus stop about a mile back.

You can go anywhere you want.

Mama, mom, please don't do this.

I have to.

I can't be around you anymore. I'm just not strong enough.

You know what the good news is?

I win.

You win?

I remember the look in your eyes when I told you I was gay, and I knew that one day, you would stop loving me.

So here we are.

I was right, and I... I win.

Well, good for you.


Hi. I made you a thank-you pie, and by "made," I mean "bought."


So what exactly are you thanking me for?

For keeping Edie from smashing my face in.

That's the nicest thing anybody ever did for me.

Just... trying to keep peace on the Lane.

Well, you keep telling yourself that.

I know why you really paid that guy off.

You still care about me.

What?

You're always worried about Julie and me, and you beat up my new boyfriend.

And now you're protecting me from Edie.

Do you know what all that means?

That you're high maintenance?

All right, you go ahead and be coy. Fine.

I'll be the one to break the ice.

I've never stopped caring about you.

Is that why you jumped in bed with Karl?

I would've never even gone there if I had thought there was a chance with us.

You just closed the door so completely, I...

Ugh, can we just not talk about him?

Have some more pie.

I know you like pie.

I know you like me.

Listen...

I'm not asking for us to get back together.

I just want us to be friends.

Susan?

Yes?

Your house is on fire.

My whole house is... on fire!

When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed, the damage it will do.

So they conceal it within sturdy walls...

Or they place it behind closed doors...

Or they obscure it with clever disguises...

But truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges...

And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt...

And someone else will revel in their pain, and that's the ugliest truth of all.