Desperate Housewives S2E23 Script

Remember: Part 1 (2006)

Previously on...

She packed up the kids and the puppy and left.

Packed 'em up? Why?

She followed you to Atlantic city.

She knows about your other woman. Things went from bad...

Put your hands where I can see 'em.

To considerably worse. Oh, man, she's good.

Looks like the insemination was successful.

Ohh! And even the good news...

She's the priority now.

She's the mother of my child. Came with a catch.

Given any thought to staying at my place?

I think I'm gonna have to pass.

You know, I'm stronger than people give me credit for.

But sometimes once you accept the truth... Aah!

You discover that you're capable... Let's just get out of here.

Of accomplishing...

I'd like to admit myself for psychiatric observation.

I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

Almost anything.

It's a fact of life in every neighborhood...

People move in and people move out.

Although very few of them pack up and leave at 2:00 in the morning.

But it wasn't the first time that Betty applewhite had tried to leave in the middle of the night.

It had happened once before...

In Chicago...

The same night one of her sons tried to break up with his girlfriend...

A young woman named Melanie foster.

♪♪♪ Are you kidding? You cannot dump me.

I do not get dumped.

If anyone is getting dumped here, it's you.

However you wanna spin it is fine, okay?

I just want out. I just want out!

Okay, Matthew.

Maybe I am a bitch sometimes, but there are advantages to dating someone like me, and I know that you know what I'm talking about. You...

Melanie, my mother is in the other room.

Are you crazy?

Clearly, we can't have a serious discussion here.

Why don't you met me at the lumberyard at 9:00?

Melanie... Huh?

It's over.

Well, even more reason for you to show up.

No one can say good-bye better than I do.

Oh, it's about time.

Caleb? What are you doing here?

Where's Matthew?

I got here first. I-I know a shortcut.

Does Matthew know that you're here?


He... he doesn't wanna be with you anymore.

What does that have to do with you?

See, I thought...

Maybe... I could be your boyfriend now.


I love you.

Oh, god, please tell me someone put you up to this. No?

'Cause if you're serious, it's too pathetic.

God, what the hell are you doing?!

Get off of me, you freak!


Yes, a year had come and gone since the applewhites had left Chicago, and Betty thought they could again slip away in the middle of the night.

Once we move, how is Matty gon' find us?

Caleb, I think it's just gonna be you and me from now on.

Stop! Let me see your hands! Put your hands up!

But as she soon discovered, it's not that easy to slip away in the suburbs, because in suburbia, once the neighbors hear you're going, they all insist on showing up...

To say good-bye.


Everyone must choose the road they will take in life, and for a special few, that road would lead to Wisteria Lane.

They all arrive the exact same way...

Driving up in their overloaded trucks...

Bringing with them their expensive antiques and ordinary dreams.

I remember the first moment I saw each of them.

I met Susan Mayer the day she moved to Wisteria Lane.

Ah! Okay, break time's over.

She seemed so delightfully confident, I couldn't help but feel intimidated.


Oh, no!

Ohh! Ohh!

That feeling quickly passed.

Oh, help!

Can anybody hear me?! Julie?!

I need you to try to unlock the door.

Oh, what am I saying? She's 2.

Okay, I need you to unbuckle yourself and try to find a neighbor... But don't cross the street!

Just tell the neighbor that your mommy's stuck in a big truck!

Oh, yes! Oh, my god!

I have a genius baby!

Oh, hi. Hi.

I have a normal baby.

I'm Mary Alice. I live across the street.

Susan Mayer. Thank you so much.

Um, if my husband had to rescue me, oh, I just... I would have never heard the end of it.

He thinks I'm a total klutz. Oh, please, that's what neighbors are for.

Well, welcome to Wisteria Lane.

When you're finished unpacking, why don't you come over for a cup of coffee?

Oh, wow!

I have a neighbor who just asked me over for coffee.

I'm sorry. You must think I'm a lunatic.

Oh, no, no, I don't. I think you're charming.

And your baby looks like a genius to me.

Oh, she is.

And we're gonna be so happy here.

Look at your new home.

You're not gonna walk me into a wall, are you?

Of course not, but when you see it for the first time, I want you to get the whole impact.


Okay, now I know it's a little more cramped than we're used to, but we can't stay at Bree's forever.

She's gonna be coming back from that spa vacation soon.

Besides, it's gonna be fun. Why are you doing this to me?

I get good grades. I don't do drugs.

I've never come home pregnant.

Honey, I am trying my hardest to stand on my own two feet.

All right, I've got six book proposals in the works.

I'm gonna try to supervise the rebuilding of this house, but you know, I can't do it without your support.

And I want you to be proud of me.

Fine. Let's take a look inside.

Ohh! That's my girl.

So... is there anything you should prepare me for?

No! No. It's all good.

Oh! But you should know that your bed doubles as the dining table, and the toilet's in the shower.

Honey, look. I bought us matching golf outfits for our lessons tomorrow.

Yeah, about that... I can't go.

I gotta pick up trash on the freeway.

I'm sorry?

I have to do my community service.

It's part of my parole, remember?

Oh, okay, well, I'll just call the country club and cancel our lessons. No, no, no.

I mean, I paid already. Might as well go without me.

I don't wanna go alone. It was your idea in the first place.

And I'd love to be there with you, too, if I didn't have to scrape slushies and condoms off route 57. Look, what's the big deal?

Just go take the stupid lesson.

Fine, if you feel that way about it. Hey, I'm sorry.

All right? I'm just a little on edge today.

Oh, would you look at this crap?

He has been doing that all day.

Ralph has a little crush. So?

So can't I get a gardener who isn't trying to sleep with someone in my house?

You pay 6 bucks an hour. It's all about the perks, honey.

Susan, have you talked to Lynette?

Uh, no. Have you tried her cell?

Yeah, she isn't picking up. Do you know where she is?

Uh, no, I'm sorry.

Susan, I think you do.

I really don't, Tom.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, we just had a fight.

Listen, if you talk to her, will you please ask her to call me?

Thank you.


He was just here.

I think you should call him.

I can't. I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't.

Mom! Yeah. Hang on.

I'll call you later. Okay. Bye.


When is daddy coming? I wanna show him my dive.

He's not coming, sweetheart.

But you could showme.

You have to talk to Noah.

But he creeps me out. Who cares?

This is my life we're talking about.

I need a big-time lawyer in my corner, and where else are we gonna get that kind of money?

Noah's not gonna give me a dime if he knows it's for you.

He hates your guts. Tell him it's for you.

Tell him you want a car.

Tell him you're ready for him to buy your love. Trust me.

Dying men are nothing if not sentimental.

Why do you need so much, anyway?

I thought only guilty men needed expensive lawyers.

Felicia has obviously been planning this for months.

Who knows what other kind of evidence she's planted?

With my luck, they'll open up the Martha Huber murder again, try to nail me with some d.N.A.

You swore to me that you had nothing to do with that.

I didn't.

Look, why are we arguing?

I'm your father. Do what I'm telling you to do.

You're not my real father.

You ungrateful little...

I rescue you from that miserable junkie.

I give you a home, a life worth living, and now you're making me beg for one lousy little favor?

I need the money, Zach.

If you won't do it for me, at least do it for your mother.

After all, she killed herself trying to protect you.

I met Bree Van De Kamp the first day she moved to Wisteria Lane.

There are certain people, who, when you meet them, can't help but make a delightful first impression.

Hello. I'm Bree Van De Kamp, your new neighbor.

Is this your frog?

Bree was not one of them.

Yes. Why?

Well, it seems that my son stole it from your yard.

Oh, well, I don't mind.

If he likes it so much, he's welcome to keep it.

Well, don't tell him that.

If he doesn't feel guilty, he'll never learn shame.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh. Um, this is our new neighbor.

It seems her son accidentally took my garden frog.


Please don't make excuses for him.

That is exactly what his father does. Rex!

This is my husband Rex.

Hi. We're not weird. We just seem like we are.

And this is my son...

The criminal.

Go on.

I'm sorry I stole from you.

Just so you know, my mom did teach me right from wrong, so my actions should in no way influence your opinion of her as a parent.

Wow. Well, is there anything you'd like to say to my son?

Feel free to be harsh.

No, I'm... I'm good.

Well, now that we've finished with all this unpleasantness, I want to assure you that we are going to be good neighbors, and I hope in time, great friends.

That sounds... lovely.

Come on.

Oh, wait. I'm... I'm sorry.

It was Rex, Andrew and... What was your name again?



You're Bree Van De Kamp, right?

Do I know you?

Orson hodge. Uh, Susan's dentist friend.

We met after her house burned down.

Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you.

Small world, huh?

Yes. Uh, excruciatingly so.


What are you doing here?

Well, three or four times a week, I visit my... my friend.

What about you?

Oh, I just thought it'd be a lovely place to take a nice, long rest.


Um, listen, I told my friends that I was, um, I was at a spa, so if you run into Susan, I... your secret is safe.

And seriously...

I am not like these other people.

Oh, I can tell.

A real lady always stands out in a crowd.

Well, that was... Very sweet.

Enjoy your rest, Bree Van De Kamp.

Boy, do I feel for you.

Trying to convince your friends that you're still normal, and you're surrounded by a bunch of loons.

You, too?

Oh, please.

Dr. Barr goes out of his way to make me feel like a complete psychopath.

I think he's crazier than the patients, actually.

You know that, um, that woman in the wheelchair?

What's her story? Yeah, she's a kooky one.

She hasn't spoken a word since she got here.

She just sits there all day long waiting for your friend to come and visit.

He talks to her for hours, but I don't even think she can hear him.

Oh, hi.

You said to stop by for coffee sometime.

I got coffee.

So I can't believe you caught me spraying for ants.

I must look like a wreck.

Actually, you look kinda sexy.

You've gotta be kidding.

Oh, the way you're taking charge... it's impressive.

They're just ants, and they're tiny.

Of course, they do outnumber me.

Oh, you said you wanted to handle things yourself, and you're making it happen. It's good to see.


Even if it does mean you're not in the market for a relationship right now.

Oh. Did I say that?

You certainly implied it.

Well, sometimes I say things I don't mean.

I blame it on my frequent exposure to ant spray.

What the hell is this?

Karl. What do you want?

Well, I can't believe you're forcing our daughter to live in a house with wheels.

I think we need to talk about this.

Okay, it's temporary, and if you don't mind, I'm having coffee.

Oh, it's okay, Susan.

Hey, sorry. I don't mean to chase you out, buddy, but, uh, this is really a family thing.

No, no, I understand.



I'll call you later.

You've got a great swing.

You just need a little help around the Greens.

You know what they say...

Drive for show, putt for dough. Am I right?

That is so true.

All right. I'll see you out there. Okay.

Make me something strong.

I have nine more holes with that guy.

Jim, it was just an hour ago that the road crew working here on route 57 saw a member of their own killed by oncoming traffic.

The victim was a hispanic male in his early 40s who, for years, was a prominent businessman in the area.

Police aren't releasing a name until the next of kin can be notified.

We, of course, will keep you updated...

On any late-breaking developments as this tragic story unfolds.

Reporting live from route 57, this is Craig tsuyumine.

Back to you.

Mrs. Solis! Why you home?

Carlos is dead, xiao-Mei.

No, please don't kill him.

No, you don't understand. He's already dead.

There was an accident.

He's all over the highway.


He in kitchen.

Hey, babe. Why you home so early?

Oh, honey! Oh, you're not dead!

Who said I was dead?

The police. They called me. What are you talking about?

Honey, they didn't know all the details, but a witness said that they saw you run into the carpool Lane to pick up a lawn chair that had fallen off some truck, and then a bus hit you right in front of the road crew.

Why aren't you at the road crew? I paid Ralph to go in my place.


Well, Carlos, they had your name.

Oh, no. Poor Ralph.


Why is your back all sweaty?

I was working out on the treadmill.


For god sakes, Gabrielle, Ralph just died, and you're worried about my feet?

I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?

My fault. Sorry.

You must find that very peaceful.

Why would you assume that?

Because that's all you've been doing for three sessions.

I still don't know anything about you, except that you rake in remarkably straight lines.

Is that what you're doing, asking me all those ridiculous questions about my childhood, trying to get to know me?

Well, here's a clue. I'm not crazy.

I just have a few issues. And psychotherapy is how we help you deal with those issues.

What kind of treatment did you think you were going to get? Honestly, I was hoping that you'd medicate the hell out of me.

You don't need anything stronger than what I've already prescribed for you.

I have aspirin at home that packs more of a punch.

It says here your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism.

That's a lot of trauma for one year.

What about your kids?

Oh, they're fine.

Andrew is backpacking through Europe, and Danielle is away at cheerleading camp.

What's your relationship with them like?

What do you mean?

Are you close?

Do they share things with you?

What do you feel about them?

You know, I really don't have time for this nonsense.

Are you going to give me some serious drugs or not?


Fine. Then I'm going back to my room.

You know, Bree, I can't force you to open up to me, but I can make it easier for you to focus on your problems.

And how are you going to do that?

I'm going to tell the orderlies to confiscate all your personal items.

I committed myself voluntarily.

When you signed those papers, I became responsible for your well-being, and I will help you in any way I see fit. I don't need that much help, because I am not like your other patients. Oh, sure, you are.

You just don't know it yet.

Your son confessed to murder. We've got it on tape.

My son has the mind of a child, detective.

He'd confess to sinking the "Titanic."

This letter was sent some months ago to the Chicago police, saying the person they arrested for the Melanie foster murder was innocent.

We have a hunch you wrote it.

Really? I didn't know hunches were considered evidence in a court of law.

They aren't.

But this is.

We found some of the assailant's d.N.A.

On this jacket.

Now all we need is a matching sample.

You, by any chance, recognize the jacket?

It's not Caleb's.

You can try and deny it, but...


You don't understand.

That jacket belongs to my other son.

And out of nowhere, he just attacked me.

My brother's never been violent.

I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you.

But he did.

Let me just take you home.

This has been pretty traumatic for me.

I-I-I think that you should come over for the next few days so we can talk it out.

We broke up, Mel. It is not my job to hold your hand.

Well, maybe I shouldn't go home right away.

Maybe I should go to the cops first.

The cops?

I was attacked.

It's my civic duty to report it, don't you think?

Mel, I just told you that Caleb did not mean to do what he did, okay?

Melanie, please. Screw you.

No, you cannot tell anybody about this!

I can tell who I want! Get your hands off of me! We're talking about my brother here!

Your brother is going to go to jail for the next ten years, so I say let go!

Hey, Melanie!



You leave my family alone! Uhh!

We all met Lynette Scavo the day she moved onto Wisteria Lane.

We quickly decided she would be our friend, mostly because we were afraid to have her as an enemy.

Playing Russian roulette with my ovaries and... take a pill, Lynette!

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Uh, we just wanted to come welcome you to the neighborhood.

Um, but we could come back later. Yeah.

No, wait. Actually, wait. This is perfect.

You know why? Because we need some impartial judges. Lynette...

Let's suppose your husband begged you to get pregnant...

Begged you... and out of the goodness of your heart, you agreed, even though it might derail your career.

You agreed to a baby. Ababy, singular.

Lynette, we've just met these people.

Then... then you go in for an ultrasound, and you hear two heartbeats.

Then and only then does your husband tell you that twins run in his family.

I didn't think it was that big a deal!

Your family had eight sets of twins over three generations, not to mention your relatives in Kentucky with triplets!

Triplets! So I ask you, do I not deserve to punish this man severely?

Well, actually, I think that twins are genetically determined by the mother.

What are you, a scientist?

No. No, I write children's books.

Um, we, uh, just came over to introduce ourselves, but we can, um, do that at another time.

No, wait. Please stay. It's okay.

We're okay. We're okay, right?

Honey, we don't wanna freak out the new neighbors.

I'm sorry that you saw my panic attack.

I won't let it happen again, especially since this is my last pregnancy.

Right. You're the boss. I'm just your love slave.


Well, don't encourage him.

Honey, clearly, our new neighbors can sense that you have been gifted with a phenomenal husband.



Could you come here for a second?

We need to have a serious talk.

Okay, we have had a great... vacation, but tomorrow we're going home.

Except we're not going toourhome.

We're gonna go stay with grandma.

Is dad gonna be there?

No, dad is not gonna be there, but he... he is gonna come and see you guys all the time.

We are still gonna be a family.

It's just...

We won't be living in the same place anymore.


Is there any questions you wanna ask me?

Can we go swimming now?



Mike, what a surprise.

Yeah. How's it goin'?

Good, good. I'm...

Just came in to get a new battery for my watch.

So... whatcha doin'?

Oh, just buying something for my grandma.

It's her 90th birthday.

Here we go.

This will sweep her right off her feet.

It's elegant, and she can build on it for anniversaries.

Lucky grandma.

You dog. You're gonna ask Susan to marry you, aren't you?

I didn't say that. Man, I'm cool.

As far as I'm concerned, Susan's old news, so...

Mazel tov.

I don't suppose there's any hope of you keeping your mouth shut about this, is there?

I wanted to surprise her. Oh, trust me, brother. She'll be surprised, and not just by how small that rock is.

Look, I-I know it's an expensive car, but I need one, so can I get the money?

You're a lousy liar, kid. I read the papers.

I know what happened to your father.

My guess is he's in the market for a fancy lawyer to get him some rich man's justice.


Paul young put Deirdre in a box.

My daughter. Your mother.

So we're clear, I don't write checks to monsters.

Why can't you just give me the money?

You're dying. You don't need it. I do.

Don't cry, Zach. It pisses me off.

Well, you said all of this was gonna be mine, so when do I get it?!

"Empire" is a highfalutin word, but that's what I've built.


An empire can only be ruled by an iron fist and a strong gut.

I wanted to give it to you, Zach, but I'm starting to have my doubts about you.

So what?

Are you cutting me off?

I don't have any use for weakness.

Get out.

What, are you gonna kill me?

Prove you're a tough guy?

See? That's why I can't give you the keys to the kingdom, kid.

No balls.

We met Gabrielle solis the day she moved to Wisteria Lane.

We were all excited to get a glimpse of a successful New York model.


We saw more...

Hi there.

Than we bargained for.

I'm Mary Alice.


This is Susan, uh, Lynette and Bree.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Well, I am Gabrielle solis.

Would it be better if we came back at another time?

Oh! No, no. I was...

Just changing out of my sweaty clothes.

I didn't realize moving was such great cardio.

Hey, babe, we haven't tried it in the kitchen yet.

Honey, uh, I think it's time to unpack the pants.


It's nice to meet you ladies.

Let me guess... newlyweds?

Four months, and I've been dressed like this for two of 'em.

He's insatiable.

Hey, what are you doing?

Trying to have sex with you.

Now? Babe, it's kind of late.

You don't wanna have sex with me?

You always wanna have sex with me.

You wanted to have sex with me an hour after your hernia operation.

I'm a little preoccupied.

A good man died today.

Don't take it personally.

Xiao-Mei said the strangest thing to me.

When I told her you were dead, she said, "please don't kill him."

That poor kid.

Oh. We really need to get her some English lessons.

Julie, what are you doing?

I'm trying to sleep.

Morning, ladies.

Karl! What are you doing?

I've got a little surprise planned for my girls.

So just sit back and relax. We'll be there shortly.

No, no, no, no. No, turn my house around.


Out to the right, ladies.

My gift to you.

You bought us a house?

Let's have a look around. There's three bedrooms, there's a guest house in the back that you could use as a studio. There's a pool.

A pool? Really? Aah!

What's the catch?

There's no catch. It's yours, susie.

Yours and Julie's, no strings attached.

I can't accept this.

I just... I gotta get out of this mess on my own.

This is not charity.

I owe you...

Consider it payback.


There's a poolanda jacuzzi!

At least no one can drive off with it while you're sleeping, huh?

Hey, it's Susan.

Just wanted you to know I let the electrician in your house.

I hope you're having a great time at the spa.

Bree, hi. It's Betty.

I'm... I'm sorry to leave this on the machine, but the police have evidence that implicates Matthew in the murder of Melanie foster.

We have to find them, Bree.

We have to find them and get Danielle back.

You let go of me right now! Hey, hey!

What's going on here? I am trying to leave, and these morons won't let me.

Do you know that you can be arrested for kidnapping, for detaining someone?! Why do you need to leave?

Because my daughter is in danger. Something happened at cheerleading camp.

Okay, there's no camp. That was a fib on my part.

I found out that she ran away with a boy, and the boy is a murderer. A murderer?

I can tell by your tone that you don't believe me.

Bree, let's talk about this in my office.

I don't have time for therapy, you quack!

Now let me out of here! Let go of me!

You idiot, let go of me!

You know that I committed myself voluntarily!

You can't do this to me! No!

Bree, please, don't struggle.

If anything happens to my daughter, so help me, god...

We're only trying to help.

What's this now?

I wanna swim.

Well, we already swam. Now it's time to pack.

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

Dad would let me swim.

Well, dad's not here, so I decide, and I decide no.

Oh, Porter, what are you doing?


Hey, get down off that right now. I mean it!

Okay! Okay, okay, Porter, just stop, all right?

Just come on inside, and we'll forget the whole thing.

Aah! Aah! No!


Daddy! Daddy!

Hey, guys. God! Ooh, god, I've missed you so much.

Oh, you, too, munchkin.

Where's Porter? Is he okay?

He broke his arm. They took him up to X-ray.

Hey, guys, why don't you look after your sister for me, okay?

Mommy and daddy need to talk.

I've got nothing to say to you.

I just called because I had to.

Honey, whatever you saw, I can explain it.

I am not interested, and if you wanna keep those fingers, I would move 'em away from my body. Thank you.

Lynette, I am not cheating on you.

I never have, and I never will.

I saw you with that woman.

Her name is Nora. I met her 12 years ago. I don't care what her name is.

I met her before you. She was a dancer on a cruise ship.

We had a one night stand.

I haven't thought about her in years. Then why are you going to Atlantic city every other weekend to visit her?

I have another child, Lynette.


She got pregnant from the one night stand.

Nora raised the kid without ever telling me.

I only just found out about it.

That is why I have been going back and forth.

I am not having an affair.


The little girl's name is Kayla.

She's 11 years old.

I know I should've told you about this sooner.

It's just that I wanted to take a paternity test to be sure, and I'm definitely the dad.

Why did she wait so long to contact you?

She said she wanted to raise the kid alone, and I... I guess she's changed her mind, honey.

Baby, I am so sorry.

Not ready for that yet.


You have no idea how badly you scared me.

I am so sorry.

I had already let you go.

Dad! I got a blue cast.

Hey, buddy. You sure did. That's pretty cool.


It itches. Can we go home now?

Yeah. We're going home.