Desperate Housewives S2E3 Script

You'll Never Get Away from Me (2005)

Previously on "Desperate Housewives," as one affair ends...

We don't have to sneak around anymore.

We can have a real relationship.

Another begins. Edie!

I had asked her if she'd like to live together, and she said yes. And yet another...

This is Rex's mother Phyllis.

Claims. This is Joe flannery.

Are you aware that my daughter-in-law has a boyfriend?

Is exposed.

It's not going to break your heart to leave those sad, little faces behind?

And while some people can't wait to get out of the house, others are being kept there, against their will.

Now which one is Rex's headstone?

I always forget.

It's right down this row.

Oh. Oh, yes.

That's right.

Over the years, Bree Van De Kamp had grown increasingly concerned over her mother-in-law's forgetfulness.

Oh, honey, did I forget to take the pins out of that dress?

Her lapses had become more frequent...

Sweetie, didn't I tell you I was going to paint that chair?

More glaring...

Oh, dear. Didn't I mention I waxed the floor?

And more dangerous.

Yes, Bree was worried about Phyllis' faulty memory, but she was more than happy to remind her, especially when it came to the important things.

So have you given any thought to when you might be ending your visit?

What?

Have I become a burden?

Is that what you're saying?

I was simply asking when you were planning to leave.

There was no agenda behind the question.

Oh. I-I don't know.

Why don't we play it by ear?

Yes, let's.

What on earth?

Oh, my god.

What happened?

It looks like someone dug Rex up.

Well, I got that, but why?

Why would they do that?

I don't know.

Unless...

Unless what?

Maybe this has something to do with that insurance investigator.

Insurance investigator?

He came by asking all sorts of questions.

I don't know what you're talking about, Phyllis.

Maybe you were at the store.

Anyway, he was very suspicious.

Suspicious?

Oh, yes. He has a theory that Rex didn't die of a heart attack.

He thinks he was poisoned.

It was in that moment Bree could finally see the truth.

Did I not mention that?

Her mother-in-law's memory was fine.

It was her soul that was faulty.

♪♪♪


The parties took place on the front lawn of 4347 Wisteria Lane every sunday afternoon.

Chloe pendergast would bring the tea set, which was appropriate, since she was the hostess.

Brittany chries provided formal attire from her mother's closet.

And Marissa Anne McKay invited the additional guests, some of whom hadn't been to a party in years.

Of course, it never occurred to the three young girls that while they were busy playing out their fantasy, one of the older girls in the neighborhood was engaging in a fantasy of her own.


Hey...

Oh, hi, Mrs. Solis. Ralph.

Off to the mall again?

You know me.

There was nothing Gabrielle enjoyed as much as shopping.

And even when she couldn't afford to take anything home, she took satisfaction in looking...

At the merchandise.


Hey, Susan.

What's goin' on?

It's Karl's weekend to have Julie, and they're always back by 6.

That's our custody agreement, back by 6, and it's after 6.

It's like 6:15.

Well, see? There you go.

I'm sure they just forgot.

Well, I have a court order.

It's out of my hands.

Yeah, it'd still be nice if you gave him a grace period.

Oh, I'm being nice.

I could have him arrested.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I am all for Julie spending time with Karl.

He is still her dad, and she loves him.

But...

But he's with Edie.

I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type.

I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned.

I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there?

Drugs? Porn? Smoking?

♪ ...Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine ♪ Doesn't sound like they're having an orgy in there.

♪ All through the night, I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ All through the night, I'm gonna let it shine ♪ Well, obviously, they saw us coming.

♪ Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine ♪ Whoo! That's a strike!

Hey, guys!

Hey! Look who's here!

Parker, guess what I got.

What? School supplies.

School supplies?!

Yeah, and the best part of it is I got you a really cool backpack.

Whoa, look at that. Pretty neat, huh?

Wow. Thanks.

So on your first day of school, you and your dad can find your cubby and you can hang it up.

You're not taking me?

Actually, your dad's going to take you to school on your first day. Yeah, just me and you, big guy.

I'll be right there to hold your hand.

But I thought mommy was taking me.

Yeah, well, honey, I have to work.

Mommy's boss is a mean, mean lady and if I miss work, I'll lose my job and then we won't have any money to buy food.

Honey, you gotta believe me, if I could be there, you know that I would.

All right, I didn't know it was that important to you.

I will talk to my boss and I will see what I can do.

Thank you, mommy.

Wow, I don't want to rain on your parade, but he just totally manipulated you.

Well, hey, when a kid's that good, you gotta give him his due.

An autopsy?

Detective, Rex died of a heart attack.

Well, there were some anomalies in the doctor's report.

Anomalies? What anomalies?

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm not at Liberty to discuss this any further with you.

Am I a suspect?

I didn't say that.

Well, if I am, you're wasting your time.

I loved Rex and anyone who knows me will tell you that I was incapable of hurting him.

You sure about that?

You talked to Phyllis.

Again, I can't discuss the case.

She's my mother-in-law.

Of course she said horrible things about me.

Ma'am, lower your voice.

She blamed me for every problem that Rex and I ever had.

So there were problems with the marriage?

Well, it was a marriage. Of course there were problems.

May I record this just so there's no confusion over your statement?

No, you may not record this.

So you refuse to make a statement?

I'm not refusing anything.

All I'm saying is stay away from Phyllis.

She's a... she's a raving loon.

Ma'am, perhaps you'd be more comfortable with an attorney present.

You want a statement? Fine, I'll give you a statement.

My husband died of a heart attack.

I loved him very deeply, and your mother did a lousy job.

To Bree's way of thinking, there were two kinds of people in the world...

Those who were useless before their morning coffee...

And those who weren't.

What's going on?

Don't rush me, Bree!

I'm an old woman! Don't rush me.

Get her out of here.

I will tell you one thing...

You wouldn't be acting this way if you didn't feel guilty about something!

What's the occasion?

Uh, our anniversary?

Oh, right.

How could you forget our anniversary?

You sit in a cell all day long staring at a calendar.

What's the big deal?

Our marriage was a sham anyway.

Oh, we're not doing this again.

In real marriages, wives are faithful.

Yeah, and husbands remember anniversaries, so I guess we're even.

Are you equating forgetting our anniversary with cheating on me?

You are clearly determined to ruin this special day for us.

What is wrong with you that you don't feel guilty?

I feel tons of guilt, so back off.

You never even apologized.

I apologized a million times.

Yeah, but you always followed it up with an excuse.

"I was lonely, you weren't home enough, a woman needs tobe loved."

A woman does need to be loved, and since you didn't give it to me, I had to find it elsewhere.

So that's what the teenager was doing in our bedroom...

Filling you with love.

Say what you want, but John rowland loved me like no one ever has.

Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me.

He lovedme.

No, he really did.

Mm-hmm.

Let me count the ways.

Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down...

Is there a problem here?

No, it's our anniversary.

We're just reliving the good times.

That's an amazing car. Aston Martin, right?

Uh-huh. Brand-new. Limited edition.

A little anniversary present from my husband.

He's very generous.

More than he knows.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm singing at church for the family follies.

Edie's going to accompany me on guitar.

She's really good.

So you and Edie are going to be an act.

Is that a problem?

No. No. I mean, I'm a little surprised that you didn't ask me to accompany you first.

On what?

You don't play an instrument.

I play the piano. You know that.

How would I know that? I've never seen you play.

Well, I played in high school.

So the last time you tickled the ivories was sometime in the late '70s?

It was the early '80s.

Well, I'm not going to argue with you.

You want to do the show with Edie, and I think that's super.

So she's really good, huh?

She knows her guitar.

Apparently, there are a lot of musicians in her family, sort of like the Von trapps.

Hmm.

Except, you know, her brother od'd.

All I'm asking you is to go out and play a little bit of ball. Is that such a big deal?

Matthew, you are such an excellent player, darling, that people will want to be your friend.

Then next thing you know, god knows who will be wanting to drop by and calling.

Sweetie, we need to keep a low profile.

Yeah, I know, but I have got to get out of this house sometime.

I'm going crazy here, okay?

Aah!


What is it?

Oh, my daughter is singing a song at church and I want to accompany her on the piano and I haven't played in years.

Oh, you were just so amazing at Rex's funeral the other day, I was wondering... I don't give lessons.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Oh. You have a little, uh, on your...

I'm baking cherry pie. Excuse me.

What happened to maintaining a low profile?

You keep being rude to everybody, they're gonna start whispering about us.

You're right.

We do want to fit in.

Lynette, check it out.

Jason's mouth.

Stu, isn't that the new video conference setup?

Yeah. Isn't the resolution fantastic?

Hey, Nina. Mm-hmm?

Uh, about tomorrow morning...

Mm-hmm?

You know how the first hour of the morning meeting is always so slow?

'Cause I've got this thing...

Good god, this is not about your kids again, is it?

I know, I promised I wouldn't do this, but Parker really needs me to be there on his first day of kindergarten.

He's so freaked out I can't be there.

I'm sorry. How is this my problem?

Because we can't escape the fact that I have kids.

I love my job, but to be fair, there's gotta be some balance.

Okay, how about the people that don't have the kids?

Did you ever consider that they might need a little more balance in their lives, hmm?

Like, maybe they want to go see a matinee or perhaps they want to come in a little late after a big crazy night out or maybe they just want to get a hair cut, which I, myself, have not been able to do for two months.

So, no, this is about fairness to the people who are childless by choice, okay?

Okay. Good point.

Good.

And I'm sorry about your hair.

I can see why you're upset.

Open wide.

Not now, st...

Hang on a sec.

I don't understand.

This system is gonna let mommy be with you on your first day of school.

The resolution is fantastic.

The next day, Gabrielle decided to cheer herself up with another round of window shopping.

But this time, she was taken aback by what was on display.


Mrs. Tilman. Mr. Delfino.

I, uh, heard you were back from the hospital, so I brought you these.

Oh, I can't tell you how long it's been since I got flowers from a handsome man.

I mean, I could, but I don't want your pity.

Where are you off to?

I'm going back to Utah for a few weeks.

The recuperation's taking longer than the doctors anticipated.

Speaking of my attack, have they caught young Zachary yet?

No, actually, that's why I'm here.

So the flowers were just a ruse.

Figures. I'm trying to find Zach before he gets in any more trouble.

Do you know any friends that he might have, anywhere he might be holed up?

I know you were close to him.

Funny thing, since he beat me and threw me down the stairs, we just don't stay in touch like we should.

Since when do you care so much about Zach young?

It's complicated.

I'll bet.

I'm sure he's out there somewhere trying to find his father, which I trust you made impossible.

No, I let Paul go.

I couldn't go through with it.

That was a mistake.

He will spend the rest of his life running from the police.

I think that's punishment enough.

Zach is the only connection that Paul has with his dead wife.

At some point, he will run back here looking for him.

I don't like to be negative, but you really should have killed him.

At the risk of ruining a lovely evening, I have some unpleasant news.

The police dug up your father today.

What? Why?

Well, apparently, they want to do an autopsy.

They don't think that he had a heart attack.

They think that somebody was poisoning him.

Who would have poisoned daddy?

Well, apparently, I'm a suspect.

Well, they always look at spouses first.

It has something to do with statistics.

It's just a formality. I'll be cleared in no time.

Would you two please stop looking at me like that?

Obviously, I did not kill your father.

I loved him deeply.

Yeah, but you and dad had a lot of problems.

Everyone knows that.

Yes, we had issues, but I would never have hurt him.

What about the night daddy had his second heart attack?

You must have loved him a lot to make the bed before taking him to the hospital.

I was in shock, Danielle. You know that.

Andrew, surely you don't think I murdered your father.

I know you didn't.

You're not capable of murder.

Thank you.

That wasn't a compliment.

It takes guts to kill somebody.

Thank you so much for changing your mind about helping me.

I really appreciate it.

I'm happy to help...

And I'm sorry if I seemed rude before.

I-I was having a bad day.

That's good.

That's really good.

You might want to lay off the pedal.

Really?

Oh, I thought it made it sound more professional.

It doesn't.

Boy, your son really likes to play his hip-hop music loud.

The good news is it drowns out the sound of the dryer.

Arch your fingers, Susan.


♪ Let it shine, shine, shine, let it shine ♪ Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt.

I knocked, but I guess you guys didn't hear me.

No, we heard you.

We were just hoping that whoever it was would go away.

I'm still hoping that'll happen.

What's up, mom?

Well, I have good news.

Um, I've been taking piano lessons with Betty applewhite, and, uh, well, I just thought maybe I could join you guys.

You know, like a trio. Doesn't that sound fun?

I don't do trios, but thanks anyway.

Well, I don't mean to be technical here, but this show, I mean, it really is supposed to be a family thing, and I hate to point out you're not family.

No, but I have talent, and to most audiences, talent trumps family.

Well, what makes you so sure I don't have talent?

Hmm, just a hunch.

Yeah, well, we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?

Guys... Oh, come on, be honest.

You didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved.

That is so not true! Oh, yes, it is.

It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you.

She did not pick you.

It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it.

Well, now she knows, and if she had it to do over again, she'd pick me.

No, she wouldn't.

Well, why don't we put it to a test?

Julie, who would you rather have play with you?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, it's okay, honey.

Who do you want to be with you in thefamilytalent show?

Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people?

And remember, it's a church.

They are going to be judging you.

Ohh... okay.

Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose...

I guess I'd pick my mom.

Sorry, Edie.

Fair enough.

I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.

It was you, wasn't it?

Hello, John.

Long time, no see.

One of the neighbors saw an Aston Martin driving away, and what do you know?

Well, someone had to tend to the yard.

You were busy elsewhere.

You saw us?

Yes, and I have to say she's old enough to be your mother.

Hell, she's old enough to be my mother.

Joan's only 41.

Joan?! You're calling herjoan?!

Why shouldn't I? She's my friend.

I know your friends, and I have a hunch you don't do to your friends what I saw you doing to that wrinkly old lady.

Okay, so you caught me doing it with somebody else.

What's the big deal? You're supposed to be in love withme.

What?

How many times did you say it?

How many times did you whisper in my ear, "you're the only woman I'll ever love"?

I don't know. A bunch.

So were you lying to me?

Were you just trying to get me into bed? No, of course not.

I loved you, but we broke up.

Yeah, like five minutes ago!

Haven't you ever heard of a mourning period?

I know it seems quick, but I have feelings for her.

In fact, I think I may be in love with her.

Oh, my god.

What's the matter? Is it the baby?

No.

Oh, no, no. It's me.

I am beyond stupid.

You're not stupid.

Oh, no, I am.

Yesterday, I was still fantasizing that it could work with you, that a one-bedroom apartment might be cozy.

Mrs. Solis, please.

Oh, my god. I almost left my husband for someone who calls me Mrs. Solis.

So are you upset because you want to get back together?

Because I can break up with Joan.

That's okay, sweetie. I'm good.

So this is it for us?

'Cause I really feel like we should end it better than this.

Actually, John, given how stupid both of us have been, this is an entirely appropriate ending.

Mrs. Van De Kamp.

What can I do for you?

I would like to submit myself to a lie detector test to eliminate any uncertainty about what happened with my husband.

Are you sure you don't want a lawyer present?

I'll waive all that.

My only stipulation is that I want my children to be able to see me answer the questions.

I think we can accommodate you.

Is your name Bree Van De Kamp?

Yes.

Were you married to Rex Van De Kamp?

Yes.

Did you and your husband temporarily separate last year?

Yes.

Did you kill your husband?

No.

Do you know a man named George Williams?

Yes.

During your separation from your husband, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?

What does that have to do with anything?

Just yes or no responses, please.

Well, I'm not gonna respond to something that's none of your business.

Mrs. Van De Kamp, if you want us to take this polygraph seriously, answer the questions we ask, okay?

Who's George Williams?

He's our pharmacist.

During your separation, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?

Yes.

Are you in love with Mr. Williams?

What?

Are you in love with Mr. Williams?

No.

Um, I-I was thinking of something else just then, so why don't you ask me the question again?

Are you in love with Mr. Williams?

No.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

Hello, Susan.

Are you ready for your lesson?

Yep, I am.

I think I'm going to make another push for using that pedal. I think it adds grandeur.

I want to talk to you!

I'm busy now.

I cannot believe you kicked Edie out of Julie's performance!

I did not kick Edie out.

Julie made that call.

Because you played the mom card.

Well, it is a family recital, and Edie is not family.

One day, she could be.

Ohh, don't even joke like that.

H-How about your plumber/convicted murderer, huh?

He seems to keep popping up at "family" events.

It was not murder, it was manslaughter, and that's totally different.

Mike and I aren't even living together, and he cares about Julie.

Well, so does Edie, huh?

She was really looking forward to performing with Julie.

If you think Edie britt cares about anybody other than herself, you are living in a fool's paradise.

You don't know her the way I do, and the only reason she's interested in Julie is to mess with my head.

Hey, that's both crazy andself-absorbed.

That's a twofer! Way to go!

Whether you choose to believe it or not, they're both great together, and if you don't believe me, ask Julie.

I'm sorry you had to witness that.

Oh, that's okay, hon.

I have lived my share of family knock-down drag-outs.

Well, I hope it wasn't as ugly as me and Karl.

You'd be surprised.

Parker, honey, can you hear me?

Tom, why isn't he talking?

Um, honey, there are a lot of kids here.

He's a little stressed.

Parker, say hi, say hi. Mommy?

Oh, hey, honey, this is so exciting.

Your first day of school.

You're going to make so many friends.

Lynette, staff meeting, now.

Uh, right, yeah. I'm going to be right there.

Now. Now, now, now!

Stu, this coffee, it's cold.

Honey, I'm going to be right back.

Mommy? Where are you going?

Right back.

Mommy, come back!

Okay, let's turn to page five.

Damn. I forgot my prospectus. Any extra copies?

No? Oh, I'll be right back.

Hi, I'm back. How's he doing?

Um, um, honey, he's upset because he wanted to show you his cubby. You left.

Oh, honey, I'm here. I'm here.

You can show me your cubby now.

Nina found extra copies. She wants you back now.

Okay. I'll be back in two seconds for you.

Mommy! Mommy! Don't go!

So the big issue here is second-quarter billing.

Where are you going? Ladies' room.

No. Nina, nature is calling.

Lynette, hold it for ten minutes.

We have to get through this.

What I'd like to do is trade out the invoicing structure.

Let's take a look at our graphs on page ten, please.

Lynette had been struggling to balance her career and her family.

She finally saw an opportunity to tip the scales in her favor.

Instead of badgering clients with invoices on the shorter term campaigns, I say we bill on delivery.

Yes!

Bill on delivery, yes!

Are you having a seizure?

No, no, I'm just... I'm very excited.

It's a really good plan.

Yeah, mmm.

Now, what happened on the burman account is that they were sent duplicate bills by Tina and Ron in accounting and I'm not pointing any fingers, but Tina, Ron, about walking in and seeing all my lines lit up with disgruntled... Aah! Ohh! Hot! Hot!

Help.

Stu! Aah! Aah!

And that's why we packed you extra cookies so you could share with all your new friends, remember?

Uh-huh. I think we're good to go now, honey.

You're going to be great, Parker.

I love you.

I love you, too, mommy.

Bree, hi. What can I do for you?

Well, for starters, you can help me prove to the police that we didn't conspire to kill my husband.

Okay.

So because of the anomalies in Rex's blood, the police started to wonder if I'd been poisoning Rex.

That's absurd.

Lots of things can cause high potassium levels...

Renal failure, low sodium.

Well, that's why I took the polygraph, to prove to them that I was innocent.

Obviously, you passed.

Sort of.

Well, I think the police now have a different theory, which is if I wasn't poisoning Rex on my own, then maybe you were helping me.

You're kidding.

No, that's why I need you to take the polygraph, too.

W-What?

It's the quickest way to prove to the police that they're wrong.

I-I don't understand. We're just friends.

Why would the police assume that people in a platonic relationship would want to murder someone?

Um...

Um, during the test, they asked me some questions about you and, um, us and whether we had a relationship and I said yes, because it's true.

And then they asked me something else, something I hadn't considered.

Which was?

They asked me if I loved you.

What did you say?

I said no.

Oh.

But according to the polygraph, that wasn't exactly true.

Well, I don't... I don't know if that means anything.

Polygraphs aren't completely reliable.

I think perhaps the machine picked up on something, something that I wasn't aware of.

Wow.

What's why I need you to take the test and answer the detective's questions, because I'm not going to know exactly how I feel until we put this behind us, but then, once we do...

We can move on.

Can those chicorelli sisters dance or what?

Wow, look out, Broadway!

Now don't forget that we will have cookies and juice set up in the basement after we're done here.

We want to see you all there. And for our next act, please welcome the musical stylings of Julie and Susan Mayer.

Ow!


I'll be right back.

Oh, um, I'm just gonna need a couple of seconds, so feel free to pray.

Edie, the other day when I saw you making music with my family, I got a little jealous and I went a little crazy and I pushed you out.

Seeing you sitting here today, well, I can see how much you care about Julie, and she comes first, and it should be you up there playing with her, not me.

So I'm sorry.

Thank you, Susan.

How convenient that you decided this after I showed up without my guitar.

Well, like I said, I'm sorry.

I wish it could be you up there.

You know, I play piano.

And so let's all welcome Julie Mayer and her aunt Edie.

Whoo-hoo!

You did a good thing.

Yeah, well, I try.

♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪ Ohh, give me a break.

This thing has, like, 90 flats in it.

Poor Julie.

Stop it. You're loving this.

No, not at all

♪ let it shine, shine, shine ♪

♪ Let it shine ♪

So they said you needed to see me.

What is it? What's goin' on?

Um, I've been thinking...

You know, about, um...

Everything that happened with John...

And...

And, um...

I was really selfish and stupid.

And I'm sorry.

I really am sorry.

That's all I had to say, really.

You know what?

That is the best anniversary gift that you've ever given me.

Really?

Yeah.

Actually, the one you gave me is really nice, too.

Everyone enjoys a game of make-believe now and then.

Of course, the ways in which we play can vary greatly.

Sometimes we tell ourselves work won't interfere with our family life.

Lynette, staff meeting, now.

Yeah.

Sometimes, we imagine certain relationships to be more meaningful than they really are.

Occasionally, we put on a show, as if to convince ourselves our secrets aren't really all that terrible.

Yes, the game of make-believe is a simple one.

Did you know Rex Van De Kamp?

Yes.

Did Mrs. Van De Kamp ask you to poison her husband?

No.

Did you poison Rex Van De Kamp?

You start by lying to yourself...

No.

And if you can getothers to believe those lies...

You win.