Desperate Housewives S2E5 Script

They Asked Me Why I Believe in You (2005)

Previously on "Desperate Housewives"...

The police dug up your father today.

They think that somebody was poisoning him.

Apparently, I'm a suspect.

Bree felt threatened by the past.

Get the damn lawyer. Are you hitting on me?

Gabrielle was threatened by seduction.

Do you mean Julie?

If I come back with you, then I can make it up to her.

You should find your father first. Let me help.

And while some threats...

Aah!

Aah!

Were kept under control...

Let's get this over with.

Some were left free to return.

Since her first day on the job, it had been clear to Lynette Scavo that her new boss Nina was unusually tense.

To help relieve her tension, Lynette tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts...

A soothing wave machine...

Aromatherapy candles...

Even meditative chi balls.

But nothing seemed to ease Nina's tension.

"Distilled the old-fashioned way."

You know, it actually hurts my teeth to say that out loud.

You folks are going to toddle back to your little holes and you are gonna come up with a decent slogan or I will can all your asses the old-fashioned way.

Until one day when it occurred to Lynette there was one form of relaxation she had yet to try.

It's a gimlet. You'll love it.

What exactly is your plan here, to get me all liquored up so I buy the revised pitch?

Don't be ridiculous.

Could we get a trough of these, please?

I can't remember the last time I was in a bar.

Must have been the last time I had a boyfriend, which was...

Oh, god, I'm a nun.

So why don't you go out and get in the game?

Believe it or not, when it comes to meeting men, I am... shy.

Well, I'm not.

So, uh...

What about that guy over there?

He's been checking you out since we walked in.

He's cute.

So go over there.

No.

Oh, for god's sakes.

Where are you going? Lynette, sit...

Hey, stretch, see my friend over there?

She thinks you're cute.

Why don't you buy her a drink?

Hey, everybody. Hi.

Oh, it's a beautiful morning, isn't it?

Thank you, sweetie.

Oh, hey, Lynette, I read the new vodka proposal.

Oh, you guys hit it out of the park.

Wow.

I love that color.

Thanks. Hey, Nina.

Yeah?

And although it had come about in an unexpected manner...

Aren't those the same clothes you were wearing last night in the bar?

Yep.

Nina's tension had finally been released...

The old-fashioned way.

♪♪♪


Everyone in this world needs someone they can depend upon, be it a faithful companion, trusted confidant...

Or loyal friend.

For Susan Mayer, that dependable someone was her book agent lonny moon.

It was lonny who helped Susan promote her first children's book.

It was lonny who rushed Susan to the hospital the night Julie was born. No, no, no, no, no!

It was lonny who took Susan's mind off her painful divorce with a fun vacation.

Yes, lonny was Susan's rock.

Sadly for Susan, her rock was about to crumble.

For those of you just joining us, we have a new development in the Melanie foster case...

Lonny, what are you doing here? It's past noon.

Which means it's now socially acceptable to begin drinking.

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

I am so behind in my work.

But I'm glad I came. This is fun.

I've gotta be honest.

I had an ulterior motive.

Oh?

I've decided to start my own agency.

You're leaving muir and hunt?

You helped build that place.

I know, but I just feel it's time.

And now the question is, will you come with me?

Well... of course.

Okay!

To the future.

I'll just call the agency, and I'll let them know I'm going with you.

Oh, I don't think that's necessary.

Really?

Yeah, I think it might be rude not to.

Lonny...

What's going on?

Okay.

There's been some bad blood between me and the partners.

Why?

I got into this thing where I had to move a little client money around temporarily to cover some expenses.

You had to "move money"? What does that mean?

I took a little from here, and I moved it there.

It was no big deal.

Really?

'Cause it sort of sounds like embezzlement.

Why do people keep using that word?!

Who else is using that word?

Nobody.

The partners and their forensic accountant.

Oh, my god.

Lonny, did you "move" some ofmymoney?

Absolutely not. I swear!

Susan, don't look at me that way.

I know what I did was wrong, and I feel like a complete idiot for doing it, but please, please don't hate me.

Well, I don't hate you.

I couldn't hate you. You're my lonny.

So...

Will you still come with me?

You know what?

This is one of those times when you find out who your real friends are, so, yeah.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

You are one special lady, Susan Mayer.

Is that the baby's head?

No, that's his foot.

That looks like a head to me.

Well, that settles it.

When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks.

You're glowing today, you know that?

Pregnancy agrees with you. Yeah?

Well, if you don't mind the hemorrhoids and the nausea, it's quite the party.

I wonder where David is. He should've been here by now.

So this new lawyer's good?

He's quite the shark. You're gonna love him.

He hasn't lost a case in six years.

He argued in front of the state supreme court, and he made our conjugal visit happen pretty damn fast.

Well, hey, I'm a fan already.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, David.

Good to see you, Gaby. Carlos, I'm David.

I don't think so.

What the hell are you doing?

That guy's not gonna be my lawyer.

Find a new one.

You haven't filed a single charge.

Either determine a homicide or release the body.

We've got a court order which says, until we're done with it, the corpse is ours.

He is not a corpse.

He is a man named Rex Van De Kamp.

He was a loving husband, a devoted father and a successful doctor.

So successful, in fact, that he left me enough money to sue the city, this precinct and you two gentlemen personally just for the fun of it.

Mrs. Van De Kamp, we don't respond well to threats, so if I... release the body.

What?

The evidence we have is minimal at best.

Mrs. Van De Kamp was gracious enough to come down here and take that lie detector test.

I think it's the least we can do for her.

Thank you.

So, uh, what will happen now?

Obviously, we'll put Mr. Van De Kamp back just like we found him.

Yes, and I'm sure you will Bury him with all the dignity of a dead hamster.

No, I want Rex released to me and I will make all the arrangements.

Fine.

And, of course, you'll be paying all the costs.

Of course.

Detective barton, you are clearly a gentleman.

People have gathered at Attenborough high school, where Melanie attended...

No, it's fine. I'll pick 'em up on my way home.

Okay, so what do you want?

Oh, Parker hates pepperoni. Um, how about sausage?

Yeah, and a small cheese.

Okay, perfect. Love you.

Hey, you.

Hey.

You wanna hit O'Donnell's? I owe you a beer.

Actually, I owe you so much more than that.

You're welcome, but I really need to get home.

Oh, come on. I had such a good time last night.

Um, why don't you ask Trudy? She loves going out.

Trudy? Are you kidding? I don't need the competition.

Have you seen Trudy without her jacket? She's hot.

Oh, is she now?

Oh, I-I didn't mean that you're not... hot.

I just... you're married.

Ah.

You know, you're off the market.

I don't have to worry about fighting you for guys.

Come on, Lynette. Just one quick little drink.

I was actually starting to think that you and I were becoming pals.

Pals? 'Cause sometimes it's hard to tell.

You know, I wasn't feeling the love today when you mocked my campaign in front of the clients.

That was just putting on a show for work.

In the future, always assume that I am winking inside.

Come on. I hate to go to a bar alone.

I feel like such a loser.

Okay. One drink.

Yeah! One or two.

No.


Thank you so much for bringing my mail over.

You know, I have some of yours in the kitchen.

Well, that's the fourth time. What's up with this postman?

Oh, I know. He used to be great.

Then he had this stroke, and, well, now we're lucky if he doesn't drool on the coupons.

But feel free to snoop around. I'll be right back.

Now for those of you just joining us, families in Chicago breathed a sigh of relief today as an arrest was finally made in the brutal attack on local high school student Melanie foster.

But word of the suspect's capture comes as small comfort to the foster family... Betty?

Who lost their 17-year-old daughter almost four months ago. Betty?

The victim's body was discovered in a local park less than a mile from Attenborough high.

Did you see the news? They've arrested somebody.

Yeah. Looks like we're in the clear.

Well, I have some good news.

The police have finally released Rex's body.

About time. You must be so relieved.

You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place.

I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?

Well, youarewound pretty tight.

What? The supermom is always the first to snap.

They've done studies.

Anyway, I was hoping that you were all free Friday morning, because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial.

The what?

Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at camp hennessey for a little refresher course.

Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony, and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem.

We would love to come. Absolutely.

I'm busy. Sorry.

Edie!

She's going to read a poem.

Ow!

Fine. Yes, yes, we'd all love to come.

Well, thank you.

You don't know how much this means to me.

I realize looking back that I was still in shock during Rex's first funeral.

I don't think it had quite hit me yet what had happened, so that's why this small ceremony means so much to me, because I realize now that...

This is the last chance I'm gonna have to say good-bye.

Oh.

Unless, of course, they dig him up again.

Sure, there was times when Lisa was rude and obnoxious, but I know now that that was no excuse to always be beatin' on her.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

Good job, you two.

This is an example of how to use incarceration to your benefit.

It's a chance for people to take a step back and observe the obstacles they face in their marriage.

Can I go now? 'Cause I have a lot to say about the obstacles I'm facing in my marriage.

We don't got any obstacles.

Yes, we do, Lamar. We got big ones.

Okay, hold on, you two.

I think that it's Carlos and Gabrielle's turn.

Thanks, but we're good.

This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything.

Come on. Talk to us. How's your marriage?

Shaky at best. And why is that?

I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all.

Carlos?

I just didn't like him.

Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful. Exactly.

I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing.

Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?

Don't I have the rightto? You know, she cheated on me.

Oh, Bob, you beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp. Don't you talk that way to him.

One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself.

Okay, calm down. Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gotta get the one that looks like an underwear model.

I'm not discussing this anymore.

You can rot in here for all I care.

So, um...

Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?

By the way, he was wearing a suit.

How do you know he had a good body?

Doyouknow? No!

I bet he's hot.

Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?

Why are you reading that contract?

I told you. Lonny wants me to sign with this new agency.

But you didn't say you were seriously thinking about going with him.

I know, I know.

Just lonny's family.

You know, he's always been there for me.

He paid my rent when I was waiting for my first royalty check.

He called me every day when Karl left.

I mean, I just owe him so much.

Susan, he committed a felony.

Okay, who in this room has not committed a felony? Raise your hand.

Ah-ah-ah, not so fast.

Your agent represents you.

You've gotta be able to trust him.

How is that gonna be possible now?

Well, it's possible because I have faith in people.

I mean, lonny knows he messed up, and he's sorry. He's making restitution.

What, you don't believe people deserve second chances?

Not when they messed up this much, no.

Really? So that's it with you? You just get one shot, and you screw up, and you're out?

I didn't know you were such a cynic.

Hey, I'm sorry, all right?

I guess it's just the way I'm wired.

I got a job over in greenwood, so I'll call you later tonight.

You okay?

Julie...

I did something bad, something really, really bad.

Aren't you gonna ask me what it was?

Do I ever have to?

Last week when Mike and I went to the park searching for Zach, I sort of found him.

No!

Yes, and I gave him money and I sent him away, and I didn't tell Mike.

Holy crap. What are you gonna do?

I don't know. What would you do if this happened to you?

See, this would never happen to me.

This kind of thing only happens to you.

Will you stop judging and help me?

Well, obviously, you're gonna have to tell him.

Well, I can't do that.

You heard what he said about his wiring.

I betrayed him. He'll never forgive me. Okay. Don't tell him.

Well, how can I not? I feel so guilty, I can barely look him in the eye when he talks about Zach.

So where do you think Zach went?

Utah.

Oh, lord. Why did I do this?

I have a feeling you did it for me.


Hey, girl. I hope you are in the mood for margaritas

'cause it is salsa night at O'Donnell's.

Oh, fun. But I can't go tonight because I promised the twins that I would help them finish their science project.

Lynette, if the late hours are going to be an issue for you, we probably should talk about finding you a less demanding account.

You're gonna take me off kamarov because I won't go drinking with you?

No. Oh, god, no.

Honey, I get it. You have a family.

Home has to come first for you.

Thank you.

I mean, for me, the client comes first.

Me being a perfectionist is my own neurotic issue, and I know that I really need to work on that.

But trust me, I will never sleep again if this campaign gets mucked up.

I'll figure something out. You go home. Have a good night.

Nina?

Yeah.

I can handle the extra hours.

Oh, Lynette. You sure?

Yeah.

I'll get my coat.

Wow, this place is rowdy after happy hour, huh?

Yeah.

Hey... look at that guy right there.

The end of the bar.

The shoulders with the tan jacket.

Yeah.

Go get him for me.


Hey there.

So they're going on about Melanie foster on the news.

It's time we talked about her, Caleb.

Until you start accepting responsibility for what happened, you know I can't let you out of here.

What the hell is this?! Mom!

Where are you?!

I'll be right back.

And I will expect you to answer me.

Where are you?!

I'm coming! Coming.

What were you gonna do with this? Don't.

"I know who really killed Melanie foster.

"You've arrested the wrong man"?

What are you thinking?

The police need to know the truth.

The hell they do! This is our chance.

We are good people.

We can't let an innocent man go to jail.

Okay, you wanna do the right thing?

Well, then call 9-1-1 and tell 'em you got a killer locked up in the basement.

He is not a killer. He was confused.

He didn't know what he was doing.

He knows a lot more than you give him credit for.

I'm mailing the letter.

Do you realize what's gonna happen?

Mom, are you thinking it through?

I'm mailing the letter.

If you do, you'd better hope to god they don't find us.

'Cause they're not gonna care how slow Caleb is.

They'll just execute him.


Lonny?

Are you here? It's Susan.

Lonny?

Susan?

What are you doing here?

Well, I just came over to give you the contracts.

Your door was open.

Oh. Great.

Sorry this place is such a mess.

I've been working here till we get the new offices painted.

Wait till you see them.

They're gonna be really beautiful.

Where's Jeannie?

She's with the kids up in Minnesota visiting her mom.

They love it up there.

Keep changing the date on dear old dad.

There's no electricity.

There isn't?

Oh, I'm such a dummy.

I've been...

I've been so swamped, I must have forgotten to pay the electric bill.

Lonny...

How much financial trouble are you really in?

I'm fine.

You know what it is?

I had to pay all those people back at the same time...

Restitution plus interest.

It's not something I'd recommend.

It sucks you dry.

I've gonna ask you a question, and I want you to tell me the truth.

Did you steal from me?

Absolutely not.

Please don't lie. Just tell me.

Is that what you want to hear?

Do I have to say it so that we can move on?

Fine. I did it.

But yours was the first money I paid back, so the slate's been wiped clean.

Let's just move past it.

Suze?

I'm sorry. I just can't trust you anymore.

Yes, you can! No, I can't.

You can. Can't.

Give me the contract!

No!

Okay, okay, fine.

Aah! What are you doing?!

Are you trying to take me down with you?!

I am not going down!

My life is great!

I have never been happier, and I've never been thinner!

Get off me, you Amazon!

Aah!

What are you doing here?

You left me a message. You said you wanted to talk.

Yeah, I thought you'd schedule an appointment later.

Right now I'm sort of disgusting and sweaty.

I'm a criminal lawyer. I've seen worse.

So did you find a new lawyer for Mr. Charming?

I don't want a new lawyer. I want you.

So does Carlos. He just doesn't realize it yet.

A 1988 romanée-Conti la tâche. I'm impressed.

Look, to be honest, Carlos is a little threatened by you.

He thinks if we spend too much time together, that something... Might happen.

Somebody's got an active imagination.

Corkscrew?

David, we're not here to drink wine, okay?

This is business.

Now you have to convince Carlos that he can trust you.

How am I gonna do that?

I don't know. Tell him you're happily married or... or gay.

Yeah, right. You're a lawyer. You lie to juries all the time.

Can't you just make something up? I'm past the point in my career where I have to beg for work. I'm sorry.

Okay, David, I'm holding my marriage together by my fingernails.

If Carlos serves his full sentence, I don't think we're gonna make it, so please, I need you.

I'll say this much for Carlos. He's got excellent taste...

In wine. Montrachet. It's good stuff.

Are you gonna help me or not?

We'll go see Carlos tomorrow. I'll turn him around for you.

Really? What are you gonna say?

Play it by ear. I don't wanna sound too over-rehearsed.

Hey, that's my wine.

Deduct it from my bill.

It all started with bad real estate investments.

You should have just come clean.

Yeah, well, you tell one lie, the second one comes easy.

Then you're making up new lies to cover up the old ones.

Pretty soon, you can't turn back, you know?

I do.

When Jeannie finally caught on, she took the kids.

She took the furniture.

The bank locked me out of my own house.

Wow.

That's why I can't lose you as a client.

Well, I'm sorry, but you have.

I don't blame you.

You'll never lose my friendship, though.

I mean that.

Really?

Of course. You're my lonny.

And you're my susie.

You're my susie.

Oh! What the hell is wrong with you?!

I'm your lonny. That's what you said.

Not likethat. But I thought...

I mean, there's always been this magnetism.

No, there has not been, and there never will be!

Oh, my god!

But I was just coming clean!

Hey, Morgan!

Got a letter from some guy claiming he attacked Melanie foster.

You ran me down for that?

I got dozens of kooks coming out of the woodwork, all saying we arrested the wrong guy.

This one knows about the ax.

Here you go, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Thank you. The hearse is right outside, so if you'll just follow me...

Oh, shoot. There's a form I need you to sign.

I think I left it back in the office.

That's all right. I'll wait. Okay.

I'm here, sweetheart, and I'm gonna take care of everything.

But you knew that, didn't you?

You've always known that you can count on me.

Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Detective barton, what are you doing here?

Oh, just taking care of some business.

Is this...

Yes. This is Rex.

I-I wanna thank you again for what you did.

It was so refreshing to be treated with kindness after weeks of just ludicrous accusations.

The doctor doesn't think they're ludicrous.

Well, I know, but Rex died in his care.

I mean, of course he'd like to blame someone else.

But the tests he did, uh...

Oh, please don't talk to me about tests.

Rex was not poisoned, and no one I know believes that he was.

Rex did.

What?

Well, the doctor told Rex he was being poisoned, and Rex believed him.

How would you know that?

Oh!

Where did you get this?

We found that in Rex's bed after he died.

That is his handwriting, isn't it?

You know what I think?

Rex felt guilty for the way he treated you.

The adultery, the public humiliations.

That's why he forgave you. He understood why you did it.

How could he have believed this?

Look, my wife cheated on me, too.

I know how much it hurts.

And so will a judge.

Everyone understands crimes of passion.

But every day that you stonewall makes you look more and more like a cold, calculating killer.

We both know that's not you.

But I can't help you unless you start telling the truth.

I'm sorry, but i-i, um, I have to go.

I have some things that I need to take care of.

Bree, it is obvious your husband loved you very much.

Don't you think you owe to him to admit the truth?

Detective, I know exactly what my husband deserves.

Now would you be a dear?

Thank you.

Okay.

What's he doing here?

I have a pitch for you.

I wanna explain to you why I think it's in your best interest for you to allow me to represent you.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Carlos, at least listen to the man.

I guess it beats sitting in my cell.

Now I don't think you have a problem with me as a lawyer.

Clearly, I'm the real deal.

I sense your problem with me is more personal.

You sense right.

You wanna know if I'm interested in sleeping with your wife.

And the answer is yes.

He... Carlos, he's kidding.

Tell him you're kidding.

Shut it.

Now clearly, Gabrielle's willful, self-centered and manipulative.

She's also beautiful enough to be worth the trouble.

So the minute we leave this room, I'm going to aggressively pursue her, and when I succeed, which I will, we're gonna fly to my chateau in chamonix and have dinner in a local bistro.

They make the best raclette in all of Europe.

We'll make love by the fire and afterwards do a little midnight skiing. You ski, don't you?

You're athletic. You'll learn.

Anyway, all of this only happens if you fire me.

If you keep me on as your lawyer, your wife's off-limits.

I'd get disbarred for sleeping with a client's wife, and nobody's worth that, not even her.

So that's my pitch.

I'll let you think about it.

Honey, I am so sorry.

Honestly, that guy's insane.

Boy, you just can't wait, can you?

What?

He's my lawyer. But, Carlos...

And that's all there is to it.

♪♪♪ How about a dance?

How about it? Yes.

Well, you guys have fun.

This is the fifth night in a row I haven't been home to tuck in my kids, so I'm gonna go.

No. You're gonna stay put. It is Friday night, and you have all weekend to play with your kids.

Watch my purse.

Hey.

I'm Chuck.

Chuck, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Happily married.

Well...

Looks like we have got something in common.

Ugh.

Chuck?

Get your hand off my thigh.

No, not up my thigh. Off it.

Come on! What's the matter with you?

I'm not available. And I'm not that easy!

Well, what are you doing in a pick-up bar at 10:30 at night?

Well, I don't usually do this.

Oh, come on, honey, who are you kidding?

I've seen you here every night this week. You're a regular.

At that moment it occurred to Lynette that Chuck, though inebriated, had a valid point.

The time had come to declare a war of independence.

And the surest path to victory would require an aggressive campaign of shock...

And awe.

♪ Girl, to be with you is my fav'rite thing ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ I can't wait till I see you again ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I wanna put on ♪

♪ My, my, my, my, my boogie shoes ♪

♪ Just to boogie with you ♪

♪ I wanna put on ♪

♪ My, my, my, my, my boogie shoes ♪

♪ Just to boogie with you ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ I wanna put on ♪

♪ My, my, my, my, my boogie shoes ♪

♪ Just to boogie with you ♪

♪ Just to boogie with you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

It's crazy here tonight.

Don't you want to dance?

No, thanks. I think I'll sit this one out.

Lynette savored her victory confident that she would never again have to engage her opponent on this particular battlefield.

Ooh! I love this song.

Here, hold my purse.

Bree, where have you been? We were starting to get worried.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just attending to some last minute details.

Right this way. Where are we going?

To Rex's gravesite.

Well, I thought that this was his gravesite.

I'm changing it. Why?

Well, he did something to upset me, and I want him gone.

What did he do?

You know, it's so unpleasant. I'd rather not get into it.

Have you seen these gravestones? Some are from the 1800s.

Just fascinating.

Bree, wait, you're gonna have to explain.

Rex is dead. What could he have done to upset you?

My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him.

What?

Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex.

And Rex believed him!

Are you sure?

Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, "Bree, I understand. And I forgive you."

I spent 18 years of my life with this man.

How could he not know me?

Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else.

I have donenothing to be forgiven for!

I was a fantastic wife!

When he was sick, I nursed him.

When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget.

I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes.

For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne.

And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgiveme?

Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I donotforgive.

Hi. We're... We're just going to a funeral.

Right this way.

Honey, I know you're hurt, but are you sure you're not gonna change your mind?

I mean, there's no turning back after this.

If you think I'm gonna lay next to someone for eternity who thinks I'm a murderer, you're crazy.

As far as I'm concerned, let him decompose with strangers.

Everyone in the world needs someone they can depend on, be they faithful friends, determined advocates...

Or a loving family.

But occasionally in life, the people we thought would always be there for us leave.

And if that happens, it's amazing the lengths we'll go to...

To get them back.