Desperate Housewives S2E9 Script

That's Good, That's Bad (2005)

Previously on...

All this time, my father has been right across town running the feed store?

Susan found her real father...

Ed wants to make the final decision.

Ed ferrara, Lynette Scavo.

Lynette met her new boss...

I've learned my lesson, and when I get outta here, everything's gonna be different.

Carlos promised to change his old ways...

Dr. Goldfine has concerns about us being together, and I'm starting to think he's right.

While Bree discovered George's true colors.

George, I don't want to!

We are engaged! You have to wear it!

I don't think we are anymore.

Anyone who'd ever been to a party at Bree Van De Kamp's thought of her as the perfect hostess because Bree knew how to take care of her guests.

Her dinners were always served promptly, her liquor always flowed freely and her anecdotes were always enjoyable.

But on this night, the perfect hostess was about to find herself...


Where's that music coming from?

In a very imperfect predicament.

Uh, I'm not sure.

♪ Don't give up on us, baby ♪

♪ We're still worth ♪

♪ One more try ♪ Um, if you'll excuse me for just one minute.

♪ I know we put our last one by ♪

♪ Just for a rainy evening ♪ George!

I have guests.

What do you think you're doing?

We had a tiff. I upset you.

And now I'm just trying to make things right again.

It was not a tiff. We broke up. It's over.

♪ We can still come through ♪ I am not kidding.

If you do not knock it off, I am gonna call the police.

All right, go ahead.

♪ I really lost my head last night ♪ Call the police. If they drag me away, I'm just gonna come right back here.

I want you to hear the whole medley. Come on!

Why don't you all take your seats?

Uh, dessert is about to be served.

♪ I really lost my head last night ♪

♪ You've got a right ♪

♪ To... ♪

Yes, Bree knew how to take care of her guests, especially those who weren't invited.

Good guys wear white hats, and bad guys wear black.

This is how children distinguish between good and evil.


But they soon learn that bad guys don't always look so bad.

In fact, sometimes they even seem downright friendly.

That is, until you get to know them a little bit better.

Hey, fancy seeing you here.

I was just out for a little ride.

Don't lie to me, George.

You've been riding up and down this street for the last hour.

I don't want to do this, Bree, but you won't return any of my phone calls.

So stalking me is plan "b"?

Bree, I know I messed up.

I know I got some issues to work on, but I'd be willing to see a therapist if that's what you want.

I'll do anything, but how can I show you that I can...

I can change if you don't give me a second chance?

Come on.

You know I'm not a bad person.

I do know that, but I'm just not sure you're a good one, either.

And we integrated the corporate logo into the jungle background, creating not only an ad for the clothing, but for the company itself.

I don't get it.

What, um, don't you get?

The whole idea just kinda makes my head hurt.

Is it just me?

No, nuh-unh. You're right. It stinks.

Sorry, guys. Back to the drawing board.

Well, I got tickets to a game.

Nina, you do whatever you have to do to keep us afloat here.

You got it.

Looks like it's gonna be another late night at the office.

Nice work, everybody. Thank you.

Could you can the attitude, Nina?

I'm sorry. What did you just say?

You're being rude. And it's totally out of line.

You know how hard we all worked on this.

Yeah, I do.

Nina, I think I speak for everyone here when I say we are sick and tired of your abuse.

Frankly, you owe us an apology.

Is... is this true?

I mean, I would be mortified if I thought that I'd hurt any of you.

If anybody feels like I owe them an apology, please, speak up.

You? You?


Gee, Lynette.

I guess you were mistaken.

All right, let's recap, shall we?

Stinky pitch, workin' late, no apologies.

Guys! We talked about this.

What happened to standing up for ourselves?

Hot muffins. Any takers?

No, stu. These people don't deserve muffins.


Hello. My name is Mark Martinez.

I'm the assistant warden down at fairvew county jail.

Is Mrs. Solis available?

Uh, yeah, this is her.

Did somethin' happen with Carlos?

At 7:43 this morning, your husband held two guards at gunpoint and successfully escaped.

He what?!

I take it you had no prior knowledge he had planned to do this?

No, of course not. He's a moron!

We have every reason to believe your husband may come to find you.

We believe him to be armed...

And very, very horny.


Surprise, baby.

I got paroled early.

It's so good to see you!


What happened?

Well, there's this church group that helps out catholic prisoners. Mm-hmm.

And they really, really stepped up for me.

Well, what did they do?

They lobbied the parole board and it worked.

I guess I owe the pope a thank-you note.

Mnh-mnh. Less talking, more stripping.


Prudy's feed store.

Apparently, he owns the place.

How are you gonna do it? What do you mean?

I mean, how are you gonna tell him you're his daughter?

Oh, I'm not.

Julie, the man abandoned me before I was born.

I don't have a desire to have a relationship with him.

Okay, then I'm really confused why we're here spying on him.

Well, I just wanna see what he's like and satisfy my curiosity and get it out of my system.

Well, here you go.

Now you tell Charlie that Addison prudy says drop in some time.

I miss that ugly mug of his around here.

I will.

I bet I know what you're here for.


You heard about the giveaway.

Well, I got the cowboy hats right here.

Oh, oh, no, that's okay.

You don't have to give me anything, really.

Relax. This is a promotional item.

Didn't cost me a dime.

There you go.

Pretty as a picture.

I have a dad. He's great!

He gave me a hat.


That biting thing at the end...


Totally blew my mind.

Please tell me you didn't learn that in prison.


Wait. I'm not done with you yet.

Just give me ten minutes, please.

What is wrong with you?

You are totally useless after sex.

I know. I should probably get my thyroid checked out.

Who's sister Mary Bernard?

Hey, those are private. Give me...

She's this nun, okay?

She visited me in prison a couple times.

She's part of the group that got me early release.

Now can I please have them back?

"When you walk with god every day, "you learn that truth is understood in the mind but faith burns in the heart"?

You don't know what it was like in there.

All right? 20 hours a day, 8x10 cell.

Just you and your mind.

So pretty much just you.

It forces you to rexamine everything.

I was a very bad person for a very long time, but now all that is gonna change because I'm on a new path.

A new path?

I am going to live a virtuous life.

I wanna do right by you, by my mamá and by my god.

What the hell did they do to you in that prison?

All right, this is my last hand, and then I gotta go. Already?

I left a proposal on my desk at work.

I have to go over it tonight, or you-know-who is gonna have my head. Nina.

You know, this gainful employment thing is really starting to cut into our social life.

Well, if one of you would just agree to raise my kids, I wouldn't need a job. Any takers?

Ha ha. No, I didn't think so.

Ante up.

Speaking of child abandonment, when are you gonna tell your father that he has a bouncing, middle-aged baby girl?

Soon. I don't wanna ambush him. I'm gonna ease into it.

How do you ease into, "hi. I'm your illegitimate daughter"?

Well, actually, there's a "help wanted" sign in the window, so I was thinking about getting a job there.

And you know, he would get to know me, and I'm sure he would like me and I would like him, and then one day, he'd say, "you're like the daughter I never had," and I'd say, "well, actually, now that you mention it..."

Okay, I'll go first.

That is the most idiotic plan I've ever heard of.


Because it all hinges on him responding to your personality.

And let's face it, you are an acquired taste.

Edie, I am sure Susan's father will like her just fine.

Thank you.

I just hope you don't expect too much from this relationship.

I mean, aside from d.N.A., you might find that you don't have that much in common.

I know, but I gotta find out if there's something there.

I've always wanted a dad.

I mean, I know not having one affected me.

Well, of course it did.

Everyone needs a strong male role model.

No, they don't.

I grew up without a father, and it didn't affect me one bit.

Edie, how old were you when you lost your virginity?

Point well taken.


Look what I found in Ed's fridge.

Hey, st...

And Nina!

Hey, Lynette, can I see you for a sec?


Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Having sex with the support staff...

That's a big no-no.

Ed's been known to fire people for that sort of thing.

Lynette, I know that we've had our little differences.

But at the core, I believe that we're both good people, both smart women who are just trying to make it in this vicious male-dominated jungle...

Okay, what do you want?

Do you want a raise? You want a better office?

My demands are simple.

I want you to be nicer.


No more belittling, berating, rude sarcasm.

And in exchange I get your silence?

Yeah. Pretty sweet deal, don't you think?


I'll see what I can do.

Great. Okay.

And I'm gonna take your parking space.


I kid the Nina.

You're up early.

I'm going to mass.



But it's not even sunday.

They have mass every day of the week.

Really? When did they start doing that?

That's sister Mary Bernard.

Did you see where I put my Bible?


I saw your nun.


So she's hot. She's a hot nun.

You can't seriously be jealous.

You mean to tell me that this miraculous conversion of yours has nothing to do with the fact that the woman standing outside is a knockout?

That's what I'm telling you.

Um, who are you here to see?

I'm Lynette Scavo. I work here.

Who are you?

Pat. It's my first day.

Oh. Well, welcome.

What happened to stu?

You fired stu?

Oh, Lynette, hey. Come on in.

I can't believe you would sink so low.

I'm going to ed.

Ed knows. This is stu's employee evaluation file right here.

This thing is full of black marks.

Come on, Nina. We both know why you got rid of him.

Well, good luck proving it.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated topic, there's going to be another round of firings coming down the pike.

Ed's been after me to trim the fat.

You threatening me? No, no. Unh-unh.

It's just that it's gonna be my job to evaluate those who are team players and those who are not.

Just a little heads up.

Just trying to be nice.

I don't know. You seem kinda overqualified.

Why, 'cause I went to college?

No, because you finished high school.

Well, I just wanna change my life, and ever since I was a little girl, I've always liked horses and the outdoors, and, well, I'm just fascinated with... feed.

Well, I suppose we could give you a try.


Something on my nose?

Oh, no. Um, I was just looking at the color of your eyes.

You were?

Yeah. They're just like mine.

They're... they're nice.

Carol sent you to test me, didn't she?

What? Who's Carol?

You go back and tell my wife if a private detective couldn't fool me, well, you're not gonna either.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I just came in to get a little... A cute little thing like you struts in here, flirts with an old codger like me...

How dumb do you think I am?

Hey, look at you. Pretty hair. You got a sexy walk.

You got a tight little ass...

Oh, I'm your daughter.


Back in the '60s, you had a brief... Relationship with a young girl, Sophia bremmer.

She got pregnant and had a baby, and that baby was me, which makes you my father.


Mr. Prudy, I'm sorry.

I didn't want to spring it on you like this.

Where are you going?

You see, when I found out you were alive and that we both lived in the same city, I just wanted to meet you.

Mr. Prudy?

Mr. Prudy.



And knock wood, the doctors say I'll keep improving slowly but surely.

So how are you?

Good, good. I'm seeing friends, and I just started co-chairing a charity event for the junior league, and, um, and I broke up with George.


Dr. Goldfine, do you ever really cure people, I mean, even if they're really crazy?

I'm not a big fan of that word.

People either have mental health or they don't.

When they do have a problem, you treat them as if they had any other disease, and sometimes they get better.

Well, when I broke up with George, I saw something in his eyes.

It was a kind of malevolence, and it just didn't seem to me to be the sort of thing that you could cure.

I don't believe in evil either. We're all just people.

How can you not believe in evil?

A man just threw you off a bridge for no reason.

Exactly. He didn't know anything about me.

He just rode up on his little blue bike and tried to hurt me.

Do I think he's wicked? No. He's disturbed.

His problems probably stem from a chemical imbalance.

I believe with enough time and treatment, I could help him.

Did you say a blue bike?




I gotta say, Lynette, I was surprised to get your call.

I didn't even think you'd notice I was fired.

Of course I noticed. You are one of my favorites.

And I thought it was really unfair how it all went down.

It wasn't that unfair. Iwaslate all those times, and I broke the copier.

And I stole all those paper clips.

See, I don't think that's why you got fired.

Really? That's what Nina said.

Word got out that you and Nina were...


Being intimate.

And Nina fired you to keep ed from finding out.

You're kidding.

And that wasn't right of her.

She shouldn't have been having sex with you.

She's upper management.

Technically, it's sexual harassment.

But I was into it. I consented.

Stu, you're a... gofer.

You can't consent to anything.

So I think you should talk to ed about getting your job back.

Why would he care?

Oh, he'll care.

He doesn't want you suing him for millions of dollars.



So would Nina get in trouble?

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.

There is a possibility she'd get a...

Slap on the wrist.


You'll think about talking to ed?


The nurse told me you were waiting out there.

I just wanted to see if you were okay.

Sorry if I spooked you. I've got a bad heart.

It's genetic, so you might wanna get that checked.

Oh. Okay.

Look, don't take this wrong, but I need you to clear out.

What? I just got here.

My wife is on her way. The thing is, if Carol finds out I'e got an adult love child running around, that's gonna be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I mean, it's not exactly the only time I've strayed.


But believe me, it was nice to finally get to meet you.

You're a lovely woman.

Hon, you really need to leave now.

It's Susan.

My name is Susan.

And, no, that's not good enough.

Look, I'm...

I'm trying really hard to be nice about this, but you're backing me into a corner.

It's not like I want an invitation to Thanksgiving.

I just wanna have coffee or lunch now and then.

I can't start up something with you.

It wouldn't be fair to my wife.

Oh, that's funny.

So all the times you were cheating on her, that was okay, but having lunch with your daughter...

That just crosses the line.

I just want a chance to get to know you.

Well, I don't want to know you.

I've already got a family.

Years ago, your mother and I came to an understanding.

I gave her a bunch of money, and she agreed to keep things quiet.

Well, I wasn't consulted on that little arrangement.

I don't think it's fair to punish me for a mistake I made years ago.

Is that what you think of me? I'm a mistake?

That's what you need to hear, yeah.

That's what I think.

Oh, addy!

Addy! Oh!

Oh, are you okay?

I'm good, baby.

The kids are on their way over.

Hi. I'm... Carol.

You are...

Do you wanna tell her, or should I?

I'm your husband's guardian angel.

Excuse me?

My name's Susan.

I was buying some horse feed when Mr. Prudy had an attack behind the counter.

I gave him c.P.R., called 9-1-1.

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh. When I think what... What could have happened...

Well, I'm gonna get out of here.

Mr. Prudy, I want you to hurry up and get back on your feet.

I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna be back in the store next week.

I never got that darn horse feed.

I guess I'll put a bag aside for you.

You do that.

Bree, it's me.

The police are at my house. They're going through my stuff.

What the hell is going on?

Look, I know you're there. Pick up!

Did you have anything to do with this?

Bree? Bree!

George, I know what you did to Dr. Goldfine, and I can see now just how sick you really are, so please just turn yourself in, and that way you can get the help you really need.


What's going on?

Oh, I invited sister Mary hotpants over for lunch.


You said she touched your soul, so I just want to make sure her hands are clean.

So, sister Mary, tell me, what's it like meeting men in prison?

Do you bond with all convicts, or was Carlos just special?

Well, of course, Carlos is special, but our mission does a ton of Evangelical work with several prisons.

Oh, I get it.

Sort of like, today's convict is tomorrow's convert.

Something like that, but mostly I do charity work.

Are you two involved in any charities?

Currently? No.

But we should be. I mean, let's face it, Gaby.

Buying more stuff isn't gonna make our lives any better.


Money can't buy happiness.

Well, sure it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep 'em from rioting. Gaby!

It's a joke. Lighten up.

Can you believe this?

I'm married to a woman so selfish, she makes fun of the entire concept of charity.

You are a hypocrite.

The money you spent to buy your sports car could buy a mud hut for every peasant in Ecuador.

Okay, you're right.

But I'm evolving, starting right now.

Sister, I would like to donate my car to your mission.


Carlos, are you sure? Absolutely.

Gabrielle and I don't need two cars. We can share one.

Share? What if you have the car, and I need to go shopping?

We're gonna cut back on shopping, too.

Okay, I think we should all just calm down a little bit.

I'm gonna get you that pink slip right now.

Carlos... We're doing this.

I have to... ahem. Uh, here have some of this.

No one needs to know.

Don't even bother. You're not talking me out of this.

I'm not here to talk you out of anything.

Check in this drawer.

Carlos, I wanna apologize for the way I've been acting.

I mean, here you are trying to turn your life around, and all I can think about are my stupid jealousy issues.

Yeah, well, let's just get back down there.

No, I mean it. I'm sorry.

I wanna be a better person, too.

I'm sick of being bad.

Forgive me?

You're not a bad person.

Really? Mmm!

No, of course not.

That's so sweet.

I feel so close to you right now.


I'm sorry. Guess iambad.

Look, we got a nun downstairs.

She can wait five minutes. We're giving her a car.


Hey, pat, what's going on?

I'm not sure.

Ed keeps calling people into his office.

I think people are getting fired.




Nina's out. You're in.

You are our new v.P. Of accounts.

I... am?

I just gave her the ax, along with a bunch of other people. Why? What happened?

Our old pal stu just filed a sexual harassment suit against the company.

He did what?

He fired a fancy lawyer who threatened to go to the press.

I had no choice but to pay him off.

He had a video of him and Nina together.

Okay. I... get Nina, but why are you firing everybody else?

Stu's taking us to the cleaners.

If I don't cut back on staff, the next round of paychecks are gonna bounce.

Oh, god, ed. I am so sorry.

Well, it's not your fault. We'll get through this.

You and me together.

Oh, can you run down to the art department?

Someone's gotta can Jeff and Elizabeth.

Yeah. Sure. I'm gonna go and take care of that.

Hey. Congratulations.

This... Is not what I wanted.

I just wanted you to be nicer.

You know what? I used to be nice.

But our boss... I'm sorry.Yourboss...

Is incompetent and selfish and has the attention span of a poodle.

I mean, from day one, I have been the only one around here keeping this place from crumbling down around his stupid ears.

Oh, Nina, come on.

This is the truth here.

Nice is a luxury that I gave up along with vacations and relationships and eating at home.

This job sucks you dry.

So you better kiss those four little kiddies of yours good-bye because you have just adopted the neediest little child in the world.


You're gonna need this more than I do.


Carlos will be down in a little while.

We had an intense talk.

He's resting.

Yeah, I overheard some of your... talk.

Sorry. He's such an animal.

But since we have a couple of minutes, why don't we, uh, chat?

Look, I don't mean any disrespect.

It's just, now that Carlos is home, we need to get back on our routine, and we can't do that if he keeps running off to church and charity bake sales.

We need "us" time. Do you know what I mean?

I do.

Oh, good. Good.

So it would really help our marriage if you just backed off for awhile, okay?



I said no.

I know what you said. I'm wondering why you said it.

Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in.

To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law.

To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault.

As long as he's with you, he will never find what he's looking for.

Well, I guess he should have thought of that before he married me.

Some marriages are meant to be annulled.

What the hell kind of nun are you?

Look, if you try to come between me and my husband, I will take you down. I grew up on the south side of Chicago.

If you wanna threaten me, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that.

You listen to me, you little bitch.

You do not want to start a war with me.

Well, I have god on my side.

Bring it on.

You called for a bellman?

There's a charity dinner taking place downstairs.

My friend Bree Van De Kamp is one of the co-chairs.

Give her this note and walk away.

If she comes up in the elevator, call me.

You think you can do that?

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, ma'am?


I was asked to give this to you.

Oh, thank you.


Hello, detective barton. This is Bree Van De Kamp.

I need to talk to you about George Williams. Yeah, I was just getting ready to call you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

My men are at his house right now, and they've uncovered evidence that suggests.

Mr. Williams was responsible for your husband's death.


Yeah, we found Rex's prescription bottles and doctored potassium pills as well as some disturbing diary entries.

Mrs. Van De Kamp?

Hello, sir.

Yes. She's, uh, on her way up.

Thank you very much.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

Operator, this is a bit embarrassing, but I've...

I've swallowed some pills by mistake.

I think you need to call an ambulance.

Uh, uh, uh, they were...

They were just vitamins.

See? False alarm. I'm fine.

Door's open.


What were you thinking, taking the pills?

I didn't hurt Dr. Goldfine.

And for you to...

Think me capable of...

That sort of...




I'm sorry. It's the pills.

Why are you telling me this?

Because maybe I don't have to die.

I could face the police knowing that you would be there for me...

That you'd stay my friend.

Then I'll have something to live for.

And then we'll call an ambulance and they'll pump your stomach.


I want to help you, but in order to do that, I need to forgive you, and... I can't do that until you admit what you've done.

I didn't push goldfine.

Yes, you did.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

You killed Rex.

But I know it wasn't totally your fault because you're not well.

So if you'll just be honest with me, I can forgive you.

It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll do it.

But you have to... you have to tell me the truth.

Look, I'm in trouble here.

We need to call someone.

Not until you admit what you've done.

I love you.

Anything I may have done, I did for you.

Because you wanted me to.

You know you did.

We need to call the ambulance.

I... called them while you were asleep.

They're already on their way.

It's not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys.

Sinners can surprise you.

And the same is true for saints.

Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil?

Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart...

And that anyone is capable of anything.