Desperate Housewives S3E1 Script

Listen to the Rain on the Roof (2006)

Previously on...

I have another child, Lynette.

You're the one that gave me permission, remember?

Not to sleep with the woman who's carrying our child! For some, love will wither...

Do I know you? Orson hodge, Susan's dentist friend.

While others will wait for love.

For others, new love will bloom...

That may never arrive.

Something awful happened on lake view drive last year.

To understand why, you need to know that when Alma hodge awoke that morning, she had no idea this would be the day she'd leave her husband.

Certainly, it began normally enough.

She put away the groceries perhisinstructions.

She hung his dry cleaning exactly ashehad requested.

She folded the towels just ashehad taught her.

It was just before noon...

Mama loves her baby. Does the baby love mama?

Mama!

Something inside Alma broke, and she decided it was time...

To fly away.

Of course, she knew better than to say this to her husband.

He thought Alma was happy, and Orson hodge did not like to be contradicted.

So she waited till he left for work, and then...

Oh!

Baby, you gotta come down now. Mama's in a hurry.

Hurry! Hurry!

If you don't get back in your cage right now, I'm gonna have to leave you behind. Please!

The next day, Carolyn bigsby stopped by, and like most nosy neighbors, she knew you learned more if you didn't knock.

Alma? Are you home?

Carolyn?

I'm just looking for Alma.

We had a coffee date this morning. She never showed.

Uh, Alma left yesterday.

Left?

We had a bit of a row.

Oh. Harvey and I thought we heard some raised voices.

So where'd she go?

Don't know, but I wouldn't worry about it.

I'm sure she's fine.

Orson, no!

Orson, no!

So if I hear from Alma, I'll let her know that you dropped by.

Yes, Orson hodge was a man who did not like to be contradicted...

By anyone.

It doesn't rain very often in the town of Fairview, but when it does, it pours.

It was on just such a day that Bree Van De Kamp went on her first date with her new friend Orson hodge...

A date that ended with a kiss in the rain.

This occurred just as Gabrielle solis was conferring with her new divorce lawyer and describing in vivid detail her husband's affair with their maid, who also happened to be their surrogate.

Meanwhile...

Lynette Scavo was busy meeting her husband's illegitimate daughter...

Here, you can have this.

While resisting the urge to strangle the girl's mother.

This happened just after Susan Mayer learned Mike Delfino had been badly injured in a hit-and-run accident and was now in a coma at Fairview memorial hospital.

At that same moment, Edie britt was putting up a "for sale" sign on the lawn of the house where I once lived.

Edie had also planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway.

But she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that.

This is what rainy days are good for.

They make everything clean again, which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane...

Where everything can get so messy.

Welcome, welcome. Oh.

Don't worry about the water. The floors are laminated.

Here's a flyer.

And then the police found her severed fingers in the garage. Oh, no!

And they never found Felicia's body.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened a cabinet, and... hello!

Karen, dear. Have you seen the marble backsplash?

Oh, I just must show it to you. Excuse us.

What are you trying to do to me, you backstabbing cow?

They asked why the owner was selling.

I told them that Paul young was in jail. They asked why.

Conversation has a flow.

Well, knock it off.

I've been trying to unload this house of horrors for months now, and you are not helping.

Ah-ah-ah! Those are for potential buyers, you withered old mooch.

Good luck trying to find one of those.

Maybe you'll have an easier time with the applewhite house and that rec room in the basement.

Get out. Get out.

Get out, get out, get out!

Edie, uh, do you have a moment?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah! Yeah!

Guys.

Settle down.

Come on!

Is Kayla ready yet?

Just a sec.

Honey, thank you for this.

I know it's a little weird, I mean, to send out a family Christmas photo with your husband's love child, but it means a lot to her to feel included. No problem. She's a great little girl.

Okay? All right, let's do this.

I am just going to, um, check the focus.

Nora.

Lynette.

What are you doing there?

Well, it's a family photo, right?

Tom, could I... could i... Could I check your tie again?

She sat down so quickly, I didn't know what to say.

How about, "you're in the frame, bitch. Move"?

Lynette...

No, I am sorry.

How much of her crap do I have to put up with?

First, it's the little drop-bys.

Then she's inviting herself to dinner three times a week.

Now she wants to be in our Christmas photo?

I'm sorry. No, that's not happening. Hey, guys.

Don't fight. It's the holidays.

Nora... this is just forourfamily.

I would prefer if you weren't in it.

Oh.

Okay.

Kayla, honey, we gotta go. They're kicking us out.

We didn't say that Kayla couldn't be in in the photo.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I'mi'mnot your family, then she's not your family.

It's okay. I don't have to be in the picture.

Fine!

Fine. No, absolutely fine.

Put crazy at the end, and we can crop her out later.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Hey, everything's okay.

It's okay. Come on, guys. Come on back.

Thank you, Lynette.

Back to the Christmas spirit that I was looking for.

Ten seconds!

I think this is a little stiff.

I have a really fun idea.

Ugh!

Where are my crackers?

We're out, but I got you a pickle.

Pickles and soup? Who eats that?

You know, that's all I got.

Ever heard of a store?

You did not just do that.

I hate pickles. Pick it up.

Doctor say I only get out of bed to pee.

Better for baby, remember?

Don't go.

I need you to rub my feet. They're sore, and doctor say...

Oh, cut it out, xiao-Mei. The doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps.

Rub 'em yourself.

You treat me like dirt.

Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis in a dingy one-bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable, huh?

No, I didn't think so.

You are meanest person I know.

I amthemeanest person.

You've been in this country a year.

Modify your nouns, damn it!

What... a... bitch.

I can't wait for you to pop out that baby, because when you do, I am putting you on the first plane back to Shanghai, and you're gonna be on all fours in a rice paddy before the epidural wears off!

But you promised to get me apartment in Chinatown, so I can work for my friend in restaurant, start a new life.

Tell it to my Chinese friend...

Sue me!

You know, we do have people here in the hospital who could do that. But I like doing it. I think Mike would want me to.

Oops. Oh.

So have you got the results of his latest m.R.I. Yet?

I'm afraid there was no change.

Oh. Well, how long until you can do another one?

I don't want to tell you not to be optimistic, but...

Look, I know it's been six months, but he could still come out of it, right?

I saw in the news there was this woman in Peru.

She woke up after ten years. There's a reason that made the news.

You might think I'm naive, but I know he's coming back to me.

Susan...

Don't say it. You just keep doing your job, and I'll keep doing mine. Oops.

That Risotto was perfect.

Just like you.

Listen, I hope you saved room for dessert.

I got us something special from a wonderful little bakery downtown.

Oh!

That is so adorable, but I don't think I can eat another bite.

Well, here, let me take half.

What do you say, Bree?

Will you marry me?

This is a little sudden, isn't it?

We've only known each other six months, but I've loved you every minute of it.

But if you don't share my feelings...

No, no. Um...

I do.

It's just that, um, I can't help being cautious.

Since Rex, I haven't been exactly lucky in love.

I used to feel the same way.

When Alma left me, I was shattered, but I realize now it was the luckiest day of my life because it meant I was free when I met you.

Luck can change, Bree.

Let me change yours.

Yes.

Yes?

Yes, I will marry you, Orson.


Ian hainsworth had been miserable ever since a tragic horseback riding accident had left his wife Jane in a coma.

For the next three years, he shied away from all social contact because he wanted to be alone with his grief.

Then one day, he met Susan Mayer, who, because of her own tragedy, was just as miserable as he was.

And a friendship slowly blossomed, because as everyone knows, misery loves company, and Ian was loving thiscompany...

More and more every day.

Two...

Three... oh, itch, itch, itch, itch, itch. Ooh!

Itch, itch, itch.

Do the nurses know you do this?

Oh, hey! Um, you weren't supposed to see that.

Well, clearly. Now, you can buy my silence if you'll have coffee with me.

Oh, I would love to, but I think I'm in a rush here.

I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends for lunch at 1:00. Is it 1:00 yet?

Well, you tell me.

I notice you're always rushing into the hall to check the time, so I, um... Well, I bought you this.

Oh! Wow.

Um...

I-I-I can't accept this. This is too extravagant.

Oh, no, it's nothing.

There was a guy on the sidewalk...

Had a bunch of them laid out on a blanket.

If you look closely, it says "folex."

Still, I...

Please, it would make me so happy if you took it.

Well, in that case, thank you for my cheap knockoff.

Oh, my god. I'm late.

Hi! Hi, hi, hi.

Hi!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

No, that's fine. Wow, white gloves.

What, are we having luncheon in the 1880s?

Well, it's a very elegant club.

You know, Orson's been a member here for years.

It'll be even nicer when they finish the construction.

So you were very mysterious on the phone.

Why did you wanna have lunch?

Well, I wanted to invite you to a dinner that Orson and I are having this Saturday.

So you asked us to a meal to announce another meal?

That's so... Bree of you.

What's the occasion?

Oh, um, no occasion. Just a little get-together.

What are you being so coy about?

I'm not being coy.

She said coyly.

If you don't tell us, we're not coming.

Oh, all right.

I wanted to wait and make a proper announcement, but...

Orson and I are engaged.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, let me see! Wow!

You move fast. I know it's quick, but it just feels so right.

Orson is just the most warm, wonderful, generous man.

Oh, generous. That means he's good in the sack.

Actually, uh, no. We haven't had sex yet.

We're waiting until we get married.

Oh, my god. You're serious?

No sex at all?

Not even...

Whatever you're alluding to, no.

But... but you're gonna get married.

You wouldn't buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive.

It's not like you've never slept with a guy you weren't married to.

True. Uh, I have in the past given myself away too freely.

How charming of you to bring that up while I'm announcing my engagement.

But I like to think that I have learned from my mistakes.

So the dinner is at 8:00, and when we make the announcement, please, everybody, look surprised. Okay.

No, don't worry. I'm just gonna replay the look I had when I found out you hadn't banged him yet.

Hey, sexy mama.

That's cute.

So you invited Kayla to Parker's birthday party, right?

Of course.

And? And?

What did you tell Nora?

I told her that we were picking up Kayla for a quiet afternoon at home.

You lied?

Yeah, you're damn straight I lied.

I will not have that lunatic ruining one more family gathering.

But Kayla's gonna, you know, tell Nora that we had a party, and I'm just afraid that Nora's gonna blow a gasket.

What? So what are you saying, you're more afraid of Nora than you are of me?

Is... is that what you think I meant?

Because that is so not what I meant.

You scare the hell out of me, baby.

Thank you.

The coffee machine was broken, so I got us a couple of smoothies.

They had strawberry and strawberry.

Well, I hate strawberry, so give me the strawberry.

Hi, Jane. Nothing... nothing against smoothies, but I wouldn't mind having some real food sometime.

May... maybe we could go to a restaurant.

You mean, like, outside the hospital?

Yeah, you know, l-like a date.

A date?

Oh, um...

There's a lovely little bistro down the street.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.

Uh, well, that sounds, uh, just...

That sounds great!

I mean, I hope that's okay.

Yeah! Uh...

So, I was, um, I was thinking about how that sounded just now... The, uh, the... the date thing.

I really sprang it on you out of nowhere.

Yes, you did.

Jane looked cold.

Oh. Thanks.

Look, we're, um, we're both in difficult situations.

I've been in mine a lot longer than you have, so, uh, if you're not ready, I understand.

If you ever should be, uh, let... let me know.

All right.

Wow, I am really hungry.

Well, then let's, um, let's go to the blood bank and swipe some... Some sugar cookies.

Oh, uh, you might want to give Jane a sponge bath

'cause she had a little... Accident.

Hello?

Hey, Lynette, it's me.

Hey, Nora.

Are you having a party?

Shh! Shh! Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet!

Shh! Yeah, no, no, of course not. In fact, we're just having a quiet afternoon at home.

Um, the kids are so bored.

Tom and I were thinking of taking 'em out for ice cream.

Well, would you tell Kayla that mommy called to check on her?

Oh, I will, I will, and I'll see you tonight.

Okay. Bye.

You think she bought it?

No. I think she'll be over here in ten minutes.

Okay, let's move! Let's move! I've got 10 bucks here for the kid who can carry the most stuff, okay?

Hey, Gaby, it's Lynette. Got a little emergency here.

Is it okay if we use your backyard?

Great. Great.

And we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does.

Hope you get this message soon.

Oh!

My only concern would be the neighborhood.

We really need a quiet place for our retirement.

Oh, are you kidding?

There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful.

Stay off the pony! Okay, guys, come on, come on!

Come on!

Let me show you the media room.

Okay, go on in. Got the balloons?

Good. Good. All right.

Okay, all right, that's it. Everybody's in.

Where's the cake?

Oh, crap!

Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home?

Hello? Hey, Nora.

Wow. We weren't expecting you until 7:00.

So where's Kayla?

I thought I told you. Tom took the kids to the movies.

Unh-unh. You said ice cream.

Uh-huh. After the movies.

Movies, then ice cream... An American tradition.

So, is something wrong?

To be honest, I thought that you were lying and having a party. I guess I was wrong.

Oh, apology accepted. Want me to walk you to your car?

Where did everybody go?

Nora, look, I am sorry I lied, but you know, you gave me no choice, and...

Lynette, I want my daughter.

Where's the damn party?

No, I'm not telling.

Where's the party?

No! No, no!

If you want in, you're gonna have to go through me.

I want my kid, Lynette. Kayla!

Kayla, come out here now!

What is going on?

Well, first you have a party, and you don't invite me, and then you lie about it, so now we're leavin'.

Well, wait a minute.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, Kayla.

I'm sorry. We're... we're sorry.

We... we shouldn't have done that.

But look, Kayla is having such a good time.

Why don't we all just come on in and have some cake, and we can just... Lynette, Lynette.

We can just have fun.

Could you excuse me for one second?

Lynette.

Okay, okay, I know, but what else could I do?

I'm just thinking of Kayla.

I know you are, Tom, and I know you love her.

Why else do you think I'm willing to put up with all this for six months?

Why do you think I'm willing to say to my college roommates, "yes, that's my husband's love child and her mother in our Christmas picture"?

Because I am your wife!

You always come first with me.

Do I still come first with you?

I guess I'll see you later, Nora.

Well... I'm taking Kayla.

Well, that's a shame.

I've gotta go hoist a piñata.

Mommy, they have a piñata.

Fine!

I'll be back at 7:00.

But there had better be a corner piece of cake waiting for me.

Come on, Kayla. Go... go have some fun.

Go have some...

Thank you for that.

Sure.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Gonna go buy a piñata?

I sure am.

Xiao-Mei?

Come on out! I have your lunch.

Xiao-Mei, your favorite soap is on.

There's a doctor fondling a patient on the operating table.

You're missing it! Xiao-Mei?

Oh, I'll have to examine you.

Oh, again?

Xiao-Mei?

Hey, quick question.

Have you, by any chance, seen xiao-Mei?

I can't believe you lost our baby.

I did not lose our baby. Stop saying that.

I know exactly where it is... Inside some crazy Chinese woman who also stole half a chicken from my fridge.

Hi! Hi.

Li wang, right? Remember me?

Xiao-Mei lives with me. You came over. We had lunch.

You got some nerve showing your face here. Get out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!

Uh, what happened to that famous Chinese hospitality?

Xiao-Mei called me.

She said you threatened to send her back to China to work as a slave in a rice paddy.

I... I may have mentioned deportation, but I didn't think she'd take it personally.

Are you crazy? It was banter.

I mean, has this country come to the point where you can't joke with the help?

You treat xiao-Mei like dirt.

She's just a poor, innocent girl trying to live the American dream, just like your ancestors.

Oh, don't give me that "we are the world" crap.

That woman's uterus is harboring a stolen baby.

So if you know where she is, you better start talking, or else I'm gonna get the health department down here and take a closer look at what you're serving as mu shu pork.

Boy, those people just don't have a sense of humor, do they?

I'm telling you, at this number, it's not gonna last long.

Well, we like the neighborhood, but we've heard that some odd things have gone on with this house. Complete fabrication.

Malicious lies spread by jealous competitors.

Now you've gotta check out this storage.

You're not gonna believe what you can fit in here.

And now the media room.

Wow, you certainly devoured that ice cream.

Can I get you anything else?

You tell me.

Hmm.

Orson...

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

I thought we...

Orson.

Mm? Oh, I just assumed now that we're engaged...

Well, does that change our core values?

No. But when I saw you standing in front of the freezer with a clingy silk dress, let's just say, well, that challenged them.

Well, I thought we agreed we wanted our wedding night to be perfect.

Yes, but actors want opening night to be perfect.

That's why they rehearse.

It'll be better this way.

Now... can I get you some more ice cream?

Not in that dress.

Hi.

So I need to ask you something.

Ian, you know, from across the hall...

You met him.

Anyway... he sort of asked me out...

On a date.

I know you're thrown.

I was thrown, too.

But he's really nice, and...

I could sort of use someone to talk to...

Who also talks back.

The thing is...

I'm sort of lonely...

And the past six months have been really hard on me.

So what I need is...

I need to know that it's okay with you if I go out with him.

Because if it's not, I won't.

In fact, I'd like nothing better than for you to just wake up right now and tell me not to go out with him.

Just wake up and tell me. Wake up. Please!

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I love you.

It is really just dinner.

I'm just dropping off Carlos, and then I'll be by to pick her up.

Okay, thanks, Edie.

Xiao-Mei's fine. Crisis averted. No harm, no foul.

How can you say that?

You endangered the life of our baby today.

Don't you dare give me that attitude.

You have no idea what I've been going through these past six months.

Here we go.

I have had to wait hand and foot on your mistress.

I mean, imagine if the day after you found out about John rowland, you had to make his lunch and rub his feet.

Yeah, well, John rowland wasn't carrying our kid.

Forgive me for being concerned about our surrogate.

Xiao-Mei is going to be fine.

Once that baby comes, her slate is wiped clean.

She's gonna walk away, go off and live heramerican dream.

Me? I'm gonna be stuck, a single mother raising a child alone, haggling with lawyers on who gets the kid at Christmas.

My American dream is officially dead.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

But just so you know, my dream hasn't exactly...

Okay, so we will see you Saturday, and please pretend to be surprised. Bye.

You told someone else?

Bree, I thought the whole point of the party was toannounce our engagement.

I just can't help it. I like telling people.

Makes me feel... I don't know.

Makes me feel like I'm starting over.

It feels good.

Feels good to me, too, though.

Hmm.

Ah, no hands. See? Ahem.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh, you don't have to wash those.

I already did them.

Oh, I found some streaks, so I'm wiping them down with undiluted red wine vinegar.

I've never heard of that.

Oh, sure.

For tougher spots, I use a 50-50 mix of denatured alcohol and water.

Ah.

And for those really intractable stains...

I mean, we're talking shower doors...

I wipe on lacquer thinner with a towel.

Bree?

Oh, Orson.

Ohh!

Uh... excuse me.

Hmm?

Did you lose something?

No. I just thought... Foryou...

Oh! Um, I don't do that.

Why not?

I'm a republican.

I'm a libertarian.

I believe in minimizing the role of the state and maximizing individual rights.

But, Orson!

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Okay.

Aah! Oh, no!

What, you didn't just crack that veneer again, did you?

I have to go.

Go? Go where?

And then it was like something inside ruptured.

Well, not so much a rupture as a spasm.

Waves of this hot clutching.

I think I might have had a small stroke.

How severe were the pains?

Well, that's the odd thing.

I mean, there was no pain per se.

In fact, it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

What were you doing at the time?

I was, uh, with my fiancé.

We were lying down... Resting.

I'm gonna take a wild swing here.

Were you having sex?

Sort of.

Ms. Van De Kamp, I think you may have had an orgasm.

No, no, no. I had orgasms before.

Mm, how would you describe them?

Oh, you know, that warm sensation, that tingling feeling of relief when it's over.

No, no, this was much...

Better?

Yes.

That's 'cause it was an orgasm.

Oh.

Well, I'll be darned.


Let me have one of those.

Here you go.

It's a pretty good turnout.

Oh!

Oh, my, it's huge.

Hi. Can I help you?

Are you Bree Van De Kamp?

Yes, and you are?

Carolyn bigsby. I was Orson's neighbor.

Oh, well, come on in.

Let's dry you off and get you a drink.

I didn't come here to celebrate.

Carolyn.

Engaged again? That was quick work.

Does she know you killed your wife?

My wifeleftme.

And no one ever heard from her again.

Not me, not her family.

Just dropped off the face of the earth.

Orson, what is she talking about?

Didn't tell you that part, did he?

All right, Carolyn, you've made your little scene.

You keep your hands off me. Don't let him fool you.

Get away from him now while you can.

Please leave my house.

Fine. Be a fool. Marry him.

Just don't be surprised when you go missing, too.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

Your wife...

Disappeared?

I tried to find her.

Her family claimed not to have heard from her.

Personally, I think she was just trying to punish me.

So...

Are you still married?

No, I was granted a divorce on grounds of abandonment.

Bree...

You can't possibly think that...

No, of course not.

I love you.

And I love you.

Orson...

My hand.


The buffet is open.

Bree...


Every storm brings with it hope...

That somehow by morning, everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains will have disappeared, like the doubts over his innocence...

Or the consequence of his mistake...

Like the scars of his betrayal...

Or the memory of his kiss.

So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best.

Even though we know in our hearts...

Some stains are so indelible...

Nothing can wash them away.