Desperate Housewives S3E10 Script

The Miracle Song (2006)

Previously on...

Orson's wife Alma disappeared...

Gaby found a new calling...

Yes, I'm unbelievable. Close your mouths.

Someone new moved in...

He's a bachelor who lives with his invalid sister.

But Lynette found a dark secret...

Our neighbor is a pedophile.

You can't sit on this, Lynette.

Orson's mother revealed his past...

He cheated on Alma, broke her heart for his precious Monique. Monique polier?

And the police couldn't find the evidence... We couldn't find a toolbox.

The man's a plumber.

Until Mike tried to hide it.

I'll take those.

The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane.

It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer.

Everyone was invited...

Including art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane.

But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around.

Hey, did you hear about the new guy that just moved in?

Unh-unh. Well, get a load of this...

Apparently, the perv's got all this weird stuff in his basement.

No, seriously.

It's like this big kiddie trap full of toys.

By sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season.

Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe and the mood was jolly.

That is, until a certain guest made his appearance.

Ho, ho, ho!

Look who's here!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Merry Christmas!

Now, kids, who's been good this year?

Oh, come on, everybodywas naughty?

What am I gonna do with this fire truck?

Joey, get back here.

What's going on?

I'm not sure.

Let's go, girls.

Art, maybe we should go.

Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year.

But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night.

For the residents of Wisteria Lane, the holiday season could only begin once the decorations came out.

For some, that meant pulling out the colored lights.

For others, it meant locating that holiday wreath.

And then there were those eager to display their nativity scene.

But for a romantic few, it was all about the mistletoe.


You have to kiss me. It's the law.


While you're in a good mood, I thought I'd spring something on you.

My parents are coming to town. Your parents? Really?

And I wondered if you might be free to join us for dinner Saturday.

Absolutely. Uh, so I assume this means they know about me? But of course.

And they know about me as in...

"Mum, dad, bloody good news.

"I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend." That's adorable.

Please don't do it in front of them. Right.

So, um, do you want me to make reservations at that little French place? We... wecoulddo that, but it's a... It's a 4-hour layover and they're going to be exhausted, and I thought we might have a more enjoyable time if they came here and... and you made dinner for them.

Okay, I guess it's time we have the conversation.


Haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?

I-I just assumed that you were lazy.

No, I wish.

My cooking... Is not good.

Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal.

Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?

Come on, you can't be that bad.

Oh. Oh, it isreallyimportant that I make them a home-cooked meal?

Well, it's just that they're very old-fashioned hearth-and-home types, and they might wonder why... Why you didn't make the effort.

Oh, but it's okay. You... you... You'll win them over...


Okay, I'll give it a shot.

Thank you.

Now nothing elaborate.

Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it. Right...

Like an ambulance.

♪♪♪ No, Amy, smallsteps. Small!

Little miss snowflake glides. She doesn't stomp.

Is that better?

Getting there, sweetie.

If she was a horse, we'd have to shoot her.

Poor thing, she tries so hard.

Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her. What?! Why?

Pageant consultants are judged on the strength of their roster.

You know, we can't afford to bounce every nose-picking no-talent, but we can definitely lose the one who's dragging us down, and that's Amy.

We can't do that! Her mother died last year. Yes, I know, I know, and it's tragic, but we are running a business.

Amy is sucking up all of our time, and we should be focusing on sherri.

She actually has a shot at winning.

How will I tell her family? We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic.

Are you sure about this?

The poor kid's been through the wringer and... Amy! For god sakes, little miss snowflake does not scratch down there!

Well, then again, her mother died a year ago.

How long is she gonna milk it?

Ahh... mother hodge, I have your breakfast.

Just put it over there. I'll pick through it later.

Merry Christmas.

What are you watching?

Home movies.

Aw. It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?

Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death.

We also have cable.

Have you decided what you're gonna do about Orson?

Decided? Yes. Have you called a lawyer yet?

I don't think that's any of your concern.

I don't mean to pry, but I think you're a good Christian woman, and you deserve better than my son.

Well, I will take that under advisement.

If you give him a chance, he'll draw you back in.

It's what he does. Just walk away.

It's not that easy. I love him.

You'll get over it. I did.

Oh, hi!



Merry Christmas!

Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.


Well, believe me, Rita, he scares me, too.

You know what?

We should have a meeting, get all the moms together and figure out what to do about this guy.

Yeah, Saturday, your house. Sounds good.

Hey, Rita, I gotta go.

Sorry, I can't talk now. I have somewhere to go.

Well, my brother doesn't. The youth center just fired him.

Are you happy?

I'm not sad. He shouldn't be around kids.

I saw those pictures.

Those boys were on his swim team.

He was proud of them.

Turning that into something dirty says more about you than him.

You can defend him all you want. I know what I know.

Did you know my brother got spit on at the hardware store yesterday, that they refused to serve us at the diner, that our tire got slashed at the church parking lot?

I am not a well woman. I don't need this stress.

Well... I am sorry that happened.

Have you considered even for a moment that you could be wrong, that you misinterpreted what you saw, that you are ruining my brother's lifeandmine over nothing?

I have kids, okay?

Better safe than sorry.

As long asyou'resafe, what do you care who's sorry?

So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them. And yet you're cooking?!

Well, that's the thing.

Uh, so I was hoping... you know, if you're not too busy...

Oh, no, no, these things practically build themselves.

Thank you. You are a lifesaver.


I could probably use the distraction.


I asked Orson to move out last night.

Oh, come on! Why would you Bury your toolbox in the woods?

I knew the cops were looking for it, and I panicked.

I was just trying to buy myself some time.

Well, you may have bought yourself 20 to life! Oh, let the guy enjoy his breakfast.

Stay out of this, Carlos.

Mike, I want you to look at me.

Yeah, you look me in the eye and you swear to me that you didn't kill anybody.

How many times do I have to tell you? I can't remember.

Youcan'tremember, or you don't wanna remember?

Um, guys.

Bree, you have got to go to the police with all of this.

I can't. Not yet. I-I need some time to think.

His wife goes missing, then his mistress turns up dead.

What is there to think about?

I know it sounds suspicious, but in my heart of hearts, I just can't believe that Orson could do such a thing.

Sweetie, we all wanna believe the best of the people we care about, but you cannot let your feelings for a man blind you to cold hard facts.

What in the world?

Oh, my god!

What's going on?

They just arrested Mike for murder.


They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person.

Oh, thank god!

I can't believe we're gonna break that little girl's heart. Do not wimp out on me here.

We gotta do what's best for the business.

What if the father yells at me? Then I will jump in and defend you.

Okay, but if you do, try and be diplomatic.

I'm always diplomatic.

Now just get in there, you spineless 'mo.

Excuse me, Mr. Pearce?

I'm so glad you could come today.

This is my partner Gabrielle.

Pleasure to meet you.

Shall we?

So, uh, what did you wanna talk to me about?

Is there a problem with Amy?

Not a problem, per se.

We're just a little concerned that she might not have the, um...

Temperament for pageant competitions. And what does that mean?

Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...

Well, she tends to be... Feel free to jump in.

I have no idea where you're going with this.

Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim.


He is so competitive.

I constantly have to remind him they're just kids.

When did you lose the joy? Oh, I think you know.

Wait, I'm... I'm confused. Are you... are you dumping Amy?

Of course not, bill.

Can I call you bill?

It's just, we feel that Amy would benefit from some private coaching.

Maybe I could come to your house?

Say, Friday, 5:00?

Sure. Yeah, I guess.

Great! It's a date.

Maybe I should come, too.

After the harsh things you said about Amy?

I don't think so.

I'm gonna need a good lawyer and that may take a little research. Uh-huh.

And whoever takes my case will need a retainer, so if you don't mind, I promise I'll pay you back.

Oh, okay. And make sure he knows about my wrench.

Apparently, they tested it and found traces of this Monique's blood.

What's wrong?

I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but... I haven't been happy.

No, I didn't pick up on it.

Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing. Wrench.

Whatever. But believe me, that's not it.

It's just...

We are moving too fast.

What are you trying to say?

Well, may... maybe we should just... take a break.

You know... Date other people.

You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?

Well, I said the timing was bad.

I am sorry. I... I really am.

I just can't do this.

They told me somebody was coming, but I did not expect it to be you.

Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?

I doubt it. She dumped me today.

What? Why?

Well, iwasarrested for murder.


It's tacky.

Well, okay then, uh...

I-I'll help get you out.

Uh... what's your bail?

A million dollars.


You don't have to help me, Susan.

I want to.

Aren't you gonna ask?


If I killed that woman?

I don't have to. I know you didn't.

I wish I was that sure.

I... I have these flashes where I see her face, so I must've known her.

And if I did, maybe something happened.

Maybe I got angry, maybe...

There's an explanation for this, and we're gonna figure it out.

Don't worry about a thing.

Miss Gabrielle!

When are you gonna come outside and watch me?

Oh, um, the grass, honey, and my allergies...

Go ahead and practice. I'll watch you from here.

Are you sure I can't help with anything?

Ah, I've been a single dad for a while now.

I got the dinner thing down. Mmm, I've got the restaurant thing down.

I can't bring myself to cook for one.

Not that I ever cooked for two.

Well, no restaurant tonight. You are having dinner with us.

Oh, that's sweet.

It's the least I can do to thank you for helping Amy.

Oh. It's nothing.

Yeah, she's a special girl.


How is it for you, being single again?

Oh, honestly? Um... Mm-hmm.

I hate it. It's like I've forgotten how to date.

Me, too. You know, I even let a friend of mine talk me into one of those speed dating things. How was it?

Mmm, I didn't even go in.

I just sat in this hotel lobby.

I watched all these lonely, desperate single people filing in, and then it hit me... I'm one of them.

I know what you mean.

Did you see that?

It spun three times and then I caught it.


You didn't see.

Yeah, i-I'm sorry, sweetie. I-I was distracting Gabrielle.

Oh, no, no, it's totally my fault.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Go outside and do it again.

I promise this time we're gonna watch.

Come in.

Hey. Wow, oh, those are gorgeous.

Well, I, uh, I figured you'd be too busy cooking to manage a centerpiece.

Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're... You're certainly a tidy one.

Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of.

We're having...

Blanquette deveau and a grand Marnier soufflé.

Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?


But I am rewarming it all by myself.

Oh, what's, uh, what's all this?

Um, Mike was arrested for murder.

My god. I-I mean, of course he's totally innocent.

I'm just trying to help him find a lawyer.

Oh. Shouldn't, um, shouldn't his girlfriend be doing that?

Yeah. Edie dumped him.


Okay, I know how this looks, but I just feel bad.

He's just a friend now.

Yes. Yes, a friend you sat by for six months, hoping he'd wake up and ravish you again.

Youare the only one allowed to ravish me these days, so stop worrying.

Orson, it's me again. Please call.

We need to talk.

I'll do the chips. You deal.

You got it.

Guys, why has it been so long since we've played poker?

I really need this.

Oh, me, too. There's nothing more relaxing than an afternoon of finger food and girl talk.

Hi, ladies! Hey! How you doing?

So did you tell the police that you think Orson killed Monique?


No, I did not, and I don't plan to. But Mike is in jail, and you said yourself you thought Orson did it.

I said I had concerns, concerns that have disappeared now that Mike has been arrested.

What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?

Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?

I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?

They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of.

I mean, that hardly screams innocence. Her teeth were pulled.

You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with adentist?

Orson was slipping it to the dead chick?

Mike is innocent. I know that in my heart.

We all have convictions, Susan.

I believe Mike's last one was for manslaughter.

Okay, okay, we've all made some excellent points and blown off a little steam.

Whoo! Let's play some cards.

If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his things? Where's his desk? At his office.

And what did you think you'd find there anyway? I don't know.

A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth?

We're not gonna play cards, are we? Nope.

Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband. Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents. Fine. I'll cook myself.

Good. Let me know if there are any survivors.

And if you take Orson back, you do the same.

Well, that was incredibly awkward.

I'm sorry you both had to sit through it.

Was it me? Was I out of line?

Hey, come on in. You're just in time.

Thanks so much, Rita.

I think it's such a good idea that we all get together and talk and... What is all this?

Oh, we decided to stage a protest in front of art's house.

A protest? Mm-hmm.

Rita, I want the word "pedophile" to really stand out.

Do we have any glitter?

Say "molester." It sounds scarier.

I'm sorry.

I-I-I thought we were all gonna talk about how to keep an eye on this guy.

We're past talking. The guy's a menace.

Well, that's what we think, but we don't exactly have proof.

The youth center just fired him. How much proof to you need?

But, see, the only reason they fired him is because people were gossiping, and the only reason they're gossiping is because of what I told Mrs. McCluskey.

Yeah, and you told me to spread the word.

So... so that people could watch their kids and be vigilant.

So you wanna wait until he actually molests one of our kids?

Whose side are you on, Lynette? Knock it off, gert.

Remember, if it weren't for Lynette, we never would've found out about this creep.

She's our hero.

...The 22-yard line, the give is to Harrison, who is hit immediately and dropped for a loss in his own backfield...

Bye-bye, daddy.

See you, sweetie. Have fun. Mwah.

So I was, uh, I was thinking you...

You wanna grab a cup of coffee or something after class?

I'd love to grab a cup of coffee...

Or something.

Amy, you are so lucky to have such a nice dad.

Yeah, I know.

Leave him alone.

Excuse me?

You heard me. I don't want you dating him.

Oh, sweetheart.

I have a feeling I know what this is about.

No, you don't. I think I do.

You miss your mommy, and it feels funny seeing your daddy be nice to somebody else.

But believe me, I'm not trying to replace your mom.

Well, I am, and I have someone all picked out.


I want my dad to marry sherri's mom.

Sherri from class?

We're best friends, and we have it all planned out.

Our parents are gonna get married, and then we'll be real sisters. What about your dad? Don't you care what he wants?

My mom died.

All my dad wants is for me to be happy.

Now get in there and teach me how to work the runway.

That's what we're paying you for, right?

...Runs it left, swings it around.

He fights his way to the 25 for another first down, and that should just about do it.

I tell you, with 1:12 left on the clock and no time-outs remaining...



Orson. Why haven't you returned any of my calls?

I was afraid you were calling to ask me for a divorce.

No, I wasn't.

They arrested Mike for the murder of Monique polier.

They did? The other night, you wanted a chance to explain everything.

Well, here it is, and I want it all.

If I find out you've left anything out, then I will ask for that divorce.


You're working sohard, sherri.

You must really wanna win this pageant.

More than anything.

Aw. Well, I think dedication should be rewarded, so I have a little surprise for you.

What is it?

Well, you know how the pageant starts with a big opening number?

This year, all the contestants are gonna dance in pairs, and I've arranged for you to dance with your best friend Amy!

What's wrong, sweetie?


Amy sucks.

Well, I thought you two were practically sisters?

We are... But she still sucks.

And first impressions are everything.

You said so yourself.

Well, that's true... and this is the opening number.

If the judges see me tripping all over that klutz, there's no way I'm gonna win.

That's a good point. Now I wish I hadn't told Amy.

You already told her?!

She was so excited.

Well, she's your best friend.

Why don't you just tell her the truth? She'll understand.

What if she doesn't?

Well, friends come and go...

But a crown is forever.

I never loved Alma.

My mother pushed us together, and... I was stupid enough to get her pregnant.

You had a child?

Alma miscarried a month after the wedding.

I was trapped.

Well, you could've left her.

Mother wouldn't hear of it.

Divorce is a sin.

So I stayed in the marriage, hoping I would come to feel what I was supposed to, but I never did.

So I resigned myself to a life without love.

And then I met Monique.

It was wrong. I didn't care.

I loved her more than I'd loved anyone...

Till you.

So why couldn't you tell me this?

Because you told me about Rex, how he cheated on you, how hurt you were.

Bree, I needed you to feel safe with me.

Well, you haven't done a very good job.

Handling the truth would have been a hundred times easier than dealing with all the doubt and suspicion.

So you stayed in a loveless marriage because of your mother?

I know how it sounds.

But after my father died, she was all I had.

His death caused me so much pain.

I would've done anything for her.

She saw that weakness, and she ran with it.

You... you've got no idea how manipulative she can be.

She ruins lives.

Now I've told you everything.

What happens now?


First you pack up your things and come home, and then...

We toss your mother out on her evil ass.

God, I love you.

Hi! I'm sorry I'm late.

Where are your folks?

They're not coming.

Their plane was snowed in at O'Hare.

Oh. Well, that's too bad. Well, no harm done then, huh?

You're 40 minutes late.

But they're not here. You didn't know that. And where's dinner?

Uh... Bree and I sort of had a fight.

Um... look, I'm awfully sorry that I'm late.

I-I had an emergency.

Did this emergency have anything to do with Mike?

I'm pretty sure that Bree's husband murdered the woman the cops think Mike killed.

I went to his office...

Oh, for god sakes, Susan.

No, no, I found evidence. Look.

Orson was committed to a mental institution for over a year.

I mean, doesn't that suggest he's some sort of... I don't care!

Tonight meant a great deal to me, and you blew it off.

I said I was sorry, Ian.

I have to help Mike. I'm all he's got.

Actually, you're wrong. He's got me.


Tomorrow, I'll hire the best lawyer in town to defend him, and I'll pay every cent of his bill.

You would do that for Mike?

Yes, on one condition...

You can't see him anymore.


If you start visiting him, being a friend to him, he'll fall in love with you again.

Then you'll have to decide whose heart to break, his or mine.

As jealous ultimatums go, that's very flattering, but I don't think that's necessary.

Mike and I are done.

Then you should have no problem accepting my generous offer.

You would really get him the best lawyer in town?

An absolute piranha.

Do we have a deal?

Well, okay then.

You know, Mike barely remembers me.

What makes you so sure he would fall in love with me again?

What a perfectly asinine question.

How could he not?

God, I was only in the house 15 minutes.

Are there more of them now?


Go ahead, say it. I know you want to.

This is all your fault. You should've listened to me.

I know, but be fair.

There is no way I could've anticipated this.

You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you'resurprisedto see the torch-wielding villagers?

I'm putting the kids to bed early.

I don't want 'em to see this.

Is that an ambulance?

I can't believe you're doing this!

Amy, don't you want me to have a chance?

God, I hate you! I hate you!

Don't ever talk to me again!

Hi. Bill?

I was wondering, do you have plans Saturday night?

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

What... excuse me, can you... Can you tell me what happened?

Ma'am, I need you to step back. Okay.

We're bringing in a female, late 30s.

And get crash cart ready. She's in cardiac arrest.

There he is. There he is.

Stop it! Stop it! You can't do this to people!

Have you lost your minds?!

Well, excuse us for wanting to feel safe in our own homes.

Well, that's my home, and I don't feel very safe right now.

Please, please, all of you, just leave this street.

Please, I beg of you. Go! Just get off my street, please!

Wait, wait! Art, wait, I'm sor...

I'm sorry.

You're an idiot to take him back.

I am no longer interested in your opinion.

I thought I made that clear.

Where are you sending me?

Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community.

It's our Christmas gift to you. So you're exiling me?

Cutting me off from my new grandchildren?

That's our gift to them.

You think you can be rid of methateasily?

It's over, mother. I told her everything.

Oh, I doubt that very much. You still have secrets, my boy.

So do you, mother, and if you want them kept, you'll keep mine.

It's me. I have some bad news. She's taking him back.

Meet me on the corner in an hour.

We need to deal with this.

I heard about Rebecca on the news.

If there's anything I can do to help, uh, with the funeral arrangements or, uh...

Help you call relatives...


You must be feeling really guilty.

Oh! Of course!

I-I-I feel just terrible.

I-I mean, if you knew, if you could just know I'm... how sorry I am.


You know, in a weird way...

I should thank you.

My sister was...

A really wonderful person.

She always saw the best in me.

But there were things she couldn't see...

Or chose not to, god love her.

What do you mean?

I think you know.

See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I could never let myself...

Slip and do something that would hurt her.

But now...

I'm free...

And all because of you.

You... you can't stay here.

Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed.

Where are you going?

Why, you gonna write?


Good-bye, Lynette.

You take care of that beautifulfamily of yours.

There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions...

Or curling up with a cup of eggnog...

Or that unexpected kiss beneath the mistletoe...

Or receiving a present from that special someone.

No, people look forward to Christmas because they know...

It's a time...

For miracles.

Hello, Alma.

Don't just stand there. Tell me everything.