Desperate Housewives S3E11 Script

No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds (2007)

Previously on...

I will love her like she is my own.

Lynette made a promise...

His wife goes missing, and his mistress turns up dead?

I just can't believe that Orson could do such a thing.

Mike got arrested...

Oh, thank god! And a friendship hit the rocks.

I am not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband. Susan made a deal...

I'll hire the best lawyer in town on one condition...

You can't see him anymore.

And a missing wife returned.

Hello, Alma.

To understand the journey of Alma hodge, you first need to know how it started.

It began the day she wed Orson hodge, a man she had tricked into marriage by getting pregnant.

Alma was confident that as their family grew, Orson's feelings for her would grow as well.

But then something went wrong, and the baby she had been counting on never came.

So Alma found herself married to a man who seemed to despise her.

Still, Alma hoped things would get better...

Mama loves her baby. Does the baby love mama?

Until the day she discovered Orson was having an affair.

And Alma realized the only way she'd ever get her husband to appreciate her was to leave him...


If you don't get back in your cage right now, I'm gonna have to leave you behind. Please!

Going somewhere?

I'm staying at a motel tonight.


I don't have time to discuss it. I'm late for the bus.

All right.

I'm going away because...

I know you're having an affair.

Ah. I see.

Aren't you even gonna deny it?

On the contrary.

I wanna shout it from the rooftops!

For the first time in my life, I'm actually in love.

How can you say that to me? I'm your wife!

We both know why we got married, and it had nothing to do with affection.

So you don't care if I go?


Wait! This isn't what's supposed to happen!

You should be begging me to stay with you.

I deserve to be happy, Alma. So do you.

And we're clearly not gonna find that together.

Orson, no!

It was at that moment Alma realized it wasn't enough to leave her husband.

He had to be punished.

Yes, this was the journey of Alma hodge...

Bree hodge? I'm Alma hodge.

I believe we have someone in common.

And it wasn't over yet.


There is a time of day all housewives look forward to.

It occurs just after the chores have been completed and right before the children come home from school.

It's a time for good friends to get together, have a cup of coffee and exchange gossip aboutthe other good friends who couldn't make it that day.

Bree let Orson move back in.

You're kidding. When?

Yesterday. I'm so disappointed in her.

Well, the police didarrest Mike.

I mean, I know you think he's innocent, but surely you can understand why Bree's feelings have changed.

Well, mine haven't, and I know something that Bree probably doesn't.

When Orson was 17, he spent time in a mental institution.

How did you find that out?

I snuck into his office and rifled through his things.

Of course you did. But that doesn't prove he had anything to do with Monique's murder.

No, but it's a piece of the puzzle.

I mean, hedid have an affair with her.

And when you combine that with the fact that his first wife went missing...

So you're Alma.

Where have you been all this time?

In Canada. My aunt lives there.

Well, you should've told someone.

People thought you were dead.

Some even thought that Orson killed you.

Well, that's sort of what I wanted them to think.

That's why I left my bird behind and only took cash, so they couldn't trace me through my credit cards.

So you deliberately framed Orson?

I'm not saying it was my finest hour.

But you have to understand, Orson hurt me very badly.

He cheated on me.

Yes, I know... With Monique polier.

And I thought, if I disappeared, she'd get scared and leave him, like he left me.

Isn't jealousy awful?

So why have you come back?

I found this fantastic therapist.

He told me that by holding on to my anger I was really just hurting myself, which was hard to deny.

I mean, hello, I'm here in winnipeg with a deaf aunt and no credit.

So I thought, it's time to make amends.


Mrs. Mclean canceled, so... I'm free for lunch.

Um, actually, we have a guest.

Hello, Orson.

Oh, hello...

So... what is it with you and redheads?

I-I hope you don't mind me springing this picnic on you.

I figured it'd be more fun than some stuffy restaurant.

Are you kidding? What could be more romantic?

Back off, you son of a bitch!

More wine?

Yes, keep it coming.


Hey, who's the dork?


What's with that cap?

Extra, extra, read all about it!

Where the hell are you?

What are you doing at Mike's house? I live here.

What do you mean you live there? Since when?

Gaby, my car's been in the driveway for three weeks.

Even you can't be that self-absorbed.

Well, as you can see, I have more pleasant things to focus on.

So when you gonna tell Jimmy Olsen there that you hate picnics?

I'm gonna hang up now.

So where were we?

Your ex-husband moved in across the street?

What's that gonna be like?


Are you gonna kiss him?

That's right, Carlos.

Wehavehad some problems with raccoons getting into the trash.

So why don't you just put a lid on it?

Okay, they're here. Now listen, stand up.

Kayla has been through a lot, so when she walks in the door, I want you to make her feel welcome, okay?

Give her a hug and be really nice.

I'm giving her my room. How much nicer do I have to be?

Well, nicer than that, or she's gonna get all your toys, too.

Hey, hey, hey! Hi!

Look who I found wandering around the airport.

Oh! Hi, Kayla! We missed you!

We're so glad you're here.

Okay, boys.

Good. Yeah, okay. So give her some room.

Hey, wow, look, are those presents for Kayla?

Yes, they are.

Hey, look at that. Preston gave you a harmonica.

Isn't that cool?

Oh. "Harriet the spy." Sounds mysterious.


And what did you get for her, Porter?

A video game, but I get to play it whenever I want.


I... you know what? I got you something, too.


Is Nellie.

My grandma gave her to me when I was little, and I was hoping you could take care of her for me.


Hey, honey, why don't you take your stuff and go upstairs and, uh, get ready for lunch, okay?

I'm gonna make some chili.

Okay, daddy.


That was so sweet... To give her your doll.

Oh. She didn't seem that knocked out by it.

Well, just give her some time. She'll... she'll come around.

It's a tough adjustment.


I must say, Bree, I don't know when I've tasted such moist pound cake.

Sour cream.


So whatever happened to my parrot?

I set it free.


Orson, they don't fair well in the wild.

You should've... oh, for god sake, Alma, who cares about the damn bird?

You set me up.

Why don't I wrap up a piece of this pound cake for you to enjoy later?

Do you have any idea what you put me through?

You almost ruined my life.

You've rebounded nicely. Bree's lovely.

Don't change the subject.

You put me through a lot, too, Orson, but I forgave you.

Can't we just put this behind us?

And that's all you've come back for... closure?

Of course. What else?

I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours?


Cherry Berry? Austin likes the way it tastes.

Oh, isodid not need to know that.

So, um, where you going?

Down to the jailhouse to talk to Mike.

But didn't you tell Ian you wouldn't see him anymore?

Yeah. But somebody's gotta tell him about his new lawyer.

Otherwise, the guy's gonna show up, and he's gonna go, "who the hell is he?" Ian gets that.

Besides... why would it be a big deal?

Mike and I are over.

I was just wondering, 'cause, you know, you're putting on lipstick to go to a prison.

Thank you for clearing things up.

Oh, well, it was the least I could do.

Orson, I'm truly sorry for the pain I've caused, and if there's anything else I can do...

Actually, there is.

I'd love it if you could join us for dinner this weekend.

There are some friends that I'm just...

Dying for you to meet.

You got me a lawyer?

Yeah, and he is fantastic.

You cannot believe the scum he has gotten off.

Not thatyou'rescum.

But, you know, if you were, you'd be sitting pretty.

I'm paying you back... Every penny.

Oh, well, you know, we'll figure that out later.

I-I can't believe that I just listened to all that stuff Edie told me about you, and it turns out you're the only one standing by me.

You're a good friend, Susan.

Um, yeah, about that...

It's Ian.

He's not crazy about me spending time with my ex.

Even an ex who doesn't remember dating you?

I remember, and I guess that's enough for him.

I'm sorry.

Well, I, uh, can't say that I blame him.

Take care of yourself, Mike.

You, too, Susan.

Dinner's ready.

Kayla, I made your favorite... tacos.

Here you go.

But where's my daddy?

Oh, sorry, sweetheart.

He's working late, trying to get the restaurant ready.

Oh, lovely, Parker. Go wash your hands. Go on.

Kayla, where you going?

To watch TV.

Oh, sweetie, we don't watch TV during dinner.

But my show is on.

Well, I'm sorry. Those are the rules.

My mommy let me.


Just this once.

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, but...

Kayla's going through a hard time right now.

Come and sit down.

Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.

But she's not sick.

Well, that's true, but she's sad.

I'm sad I can't watch TV.

Eat your tacos.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sit your butts down!

It's not fair. I don't care. We have rules.

Well, she gets to. She is special. Now sit down.

Come on.

Does she get dessert, too?

Of course I do.

What an amazing documentary, huh?

You know, I read the director shot over 400 hours of film.

Really? I only counted half that.

I get it.

You pick the next one.

Okay. Mmm.

Look at you!

Who knew you were such a romantic?

Actually, I... I didn't send them.

You didn't?

So, uh, who's making me look bad?

Uh, there's no signature.

Sorry. This is kind of awkward.

No, I-I don't care who worships you from afar, as long as I get to do it up close.


That's sweet that you're not... jealous.

Carlos would've hit the roof if some guy sent me...

Would you excuse me a minute?

Nice try, Carlos.

Huh? Oh, don't act innocent.

You know you sent me these flowers.

Why would I get you flowers?

To sabotage my new relationship.

Oh, with picnic boy? What do I care if you go out with him?

Oh, you care. First, you move across the street.

And then, earlier today, I catch you spying on me...

I was not spying. I was mocking you.

You need to move on, Carlos. I have moved on!

You're the one talking to your ex during the middle of a date.

Is he that boring?

Bill is not boring. He is vibrant...


And... and sexy.

And yet here you are.

She threw your doll in the trash?

No. First, she ripped off its arms, stuffed it with chili.

Thenshe threw it in the trash.

So what did you do?


And this is after you let her watch TV during dinner?

Well, I didn't know what else to do.

I'm trying to win over a little girl who clearly doesn't want a new mother.

Well, I guess giving her special treatment isn't gonna solve anything.

You know what might solve something?


If you were home once in a while.

You're the one she listens to.

I am trying to open up a restaurant.

Our life savings is riding on this thing.

I know, I know. I know.

You know what?

I don't want you to be afraid to take a firm hand with Kayla.

She's part of our family now, and...

You know what that means.


I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children.



Sorry. Um...

I'm not sure I'm... ready for that yet.

That's cool.

You can't blame me for trying, though.

Austin, you know I want to.

It's just... Hey, don't sweat it.

All right, if you're not ready, you're not ready.

So he didn't pressure you at all?

What a great guy.

I know. I'm so lucky.

Underneath all that bad boy posturing, he's...

A real gentleman.

Wow, you're not only a virgin. You think like one.

Beat it, eavesdropper.

No, wait. Um...

What did you mean by that?

Well, uh... guys need sex.

All right? It's basic science.

So if he's not getting it from you, he'll end up getting it somewhere else.

You're a moron. Not all guys pressure girls for sex.

Yeah, gay guys don't.

But Austin's not gay, not even after three beers.

Don't ask.

So what's your point?

If a guy has to wait too long to see you naked, he'll end up seeing you as a friend.

Again... science.

Don't listen to him.

You hold on to your virginity.

If Austin won't wait, then he doesn't deserve you.

I just don't wanna lose him.

It's better than losing your self-respect.

Take it from a girl who's known at school as "little miss Van de tramp."

I thought you made that up.

Only 'cause it was nicer than the other names they were calling me.

I really appreciate you donating this stuff.

Anything for a good cause.

Everyone at the shelter's gonna be so excited. Yeah.

I mean, to you and me, these are just a bunch of old clothes.

But to a homeless woman... oh.

It's a chance for her to feel pretty again.

You okay?


I asked if you're okay. You seem kind of distracted.

I... am fine.

Yes, I just remembered today's my mother's birthday.

Can we stop by the florist on the way to the shelter?


Detective Ridley, my name is Susan Mayer, and I'm calling to "drop a dime" on someone.

That's the expression, right?

Yes, ma'am. You've got the lingo down pat.

Good. Uh...

His name is Orson hodge, and he had an affair with the woman that you think Mike Delfino killed.

Monique polier?

Are you sure? Because Mr. Hodge saw her body in the morgue.

He acted like he didn't know her.

Well, he does, and so he's pretending he didn't.

That's suspicious, right?

Well, um...

Oh, uh, can you hold on? Hello?

Susan. Hi. It's Bree.

Bree? Uh... hi.

Can you hold on a second?

It's Orson's wife. She can't know I called you.

Then how about you don't tell her? Right.

Sorry. Uh, I'm just new to this whole snitch thing.

Hold on, okay?

Bree, hi.

Sorry about that. Damn telemarketer.

So what can I do for you?

I just feel really awful about our fight, and I-I think it's time for an apology.


Bree, I amsorelieved.

Would you join Orson and me for dinner tomorrow night?

Oh, uh...


Good. I'll see you at 8:00.


I just want you to know that no matter what, your friendship means the world to me.

Oh, Susan, you know, I feel exactly...

It's me again.

You should also know that Orson spent a year in an asylum.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Uh, I received some flowers from your shop yesterday, and the card didn't say who they were from.

Can you check? The name is solis.

Sure, sure. Just give me a sec here.



Solis... solis...

Huh. This is odd.

The buyer asked to remain anonymous.

Really? Uh, well, the flowers were so beautiful, I'd like to know who to thank.

Sorry. I have to honor their request.

Why? They're just flowers. They're not government secrets.

If you don't mind, I'm busy.

Well, okay, wait, wait, wait, let me explain.

What's to explain? A pretty girl gets flowers.

Do you know how many girls neverget flowers?

I work in a flower shop.

I've never gotten any freakin' flowers!

So stop your whining about who sent them and just be glad he did.

Uh, you're right, and I am so sorry for taking up so much of your time.

Sorry for doing this.

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm gonna make it up to you, okay?

Once I'm done, I'll send you flowers.

Hey! You won't get away with this!

I know where you live! Yeah? Well, stop by. We'll hot tub.

Hey, mister, help!

She locked me in here!


This is totally her fault.

I mean, I simply asked her if Carlos sent me the flowers, and she refused to show me the order slip.

Are you still hung up on that? For god sake. No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.

I just need a couple more minutes.

I need to know the truth. What truth is that, huh?

That you're still obsessed with your ex-husband?

What?! No, he'sobsessed withme.

You just imprisoned a florist to find out if he sent you roses.

Okay, I see what you mean.

There. I'm done.

Let's go.

Actually... I think I'm done, too.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm probably not ready to date.


And just so you know, iamready to date.

All right, let's hit it.

Now come on, Kayla.

I haven't finished my ice cream. Well, I'm sorry, but we gotta go.

I have a dinner party I have to get to.

They got to finish their ice cream.

Well, they, uh, you know, wolfed it down like kids are supposed to.

So... hurry it up.

Kayla, I'm not fooling around.

We... we're going.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Boys, go to the car. I'll be out in a minute. Go.

Listen, sweetheart, I don't blame you for being angry.

Your mom's gone, and you're stuck with me.


The last thing she said to me was, "promise you'll take care of Kayla," and I am going to.

But you're gonna have to help me, okay?

We can leave when I'm done.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.

What the hell are you doing?! Stop, stop! Stop screaming!

Stop! Leave me alone!

You're not my mommy!


Guys, how would you like to eat dinner in front of the television for a whole week?

What are you guys doing here?

Kayla, stop screaming! You're hurting my ears!

Get in the car! Aah!

Come on! We're going home! Aah!

Get your seat belt on!

Kids... They're always roughhousing.

Why'd you stop?

Well, uh, it's getting late. I got your blouse unbuttoned.

That's usually when we call it a night.

Do you wanna call it a night?

What, do you wanna grab a pizza or something?

I wanna do what... You wanna do.


You know what I wanna do.

Well, okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

You can always spot the new guys by the way they pick through their food.

So what did you do when you thought no one was looking?

The cops say I killed a woman.

But you didn't, right?

Actually, I have no idea.

I got pretty banged up in an accident.

The last two years are a blank.


That's a fresh approach.

I'm not sure the jury's gonna swallow it.

It's the truth.

I believe you.

Okay, Mrs. McCluskey's downstairs, and we will be right across the street if you need us.

Okay, daddy.

You know, I heard what happened with Lynette today.

Hey, she's doing her best. Why you being so hard on her?

'Cause it's her fault my mommy died.

No. No, no, honey. It's not.

Mom only went to that store because Lynette was trying to steal me.

Okay, that is not true.

Look, honey, it is way more complicated than that.

I know you miss your mommy, and she loved you very much.

But guess what?

Lynette loves you, too.

That's why you gotta give her a chance.

Can you do that for me?

Okay. I'll be good.

That's my girl.

But I'm never gonna love her...

And you can't make me.

Well, you've won.

What did I win?

Bill and I split up.

Can't say I'm surprised.

He wasn't right for you.

I know.

So just admit you sent the flowers.

I didn't.

Carlos, just tell me.

I won't be mad. I promise.

Gaby, if I was gonna send you flowers, I wouldn't send you pink roses.

I'd send you white orchids, because I know they're your favorite.

And if I wanted to cheer you up... sunflowers.

And for the flu...

Blue irises.

I hate that you know me so well, and it took so long for that to happen.

Now I have to start over again with somebody else.

Yeah. That's what dating's for.

I know, and it sucks.

I mean, you saw me.

I went on a picnic and ate pudding out of a can.

It was horrible.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I dragged to the ballet the other night.

So youaredating.

That's why you've been lifting weights and jogging.

Well, if you wanna bag the big game, gotta work on the guns.

I'll give you this...

You're gonna be a tough act to follow, Carlos.

Back at ya, babe.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, but I don't want to introduce you until all my guests are here. I don't mind.

By the way, um, when my friends ask you what happened...

And they will...

I don't think it's necessary to go into all that unpleasantness about Orson and Monique.

All they need to know is that you're back and we're on good terms.

And Orson didn't kill me.

And Orson didn't kill you.

Oh, okay, just one minute. That'll be Susan.

Hi. I brought you a bundt cake.

Don't worry. I didn't make it.

Oh, you didn't have to do that. I was really touched by your call.

It was so big of you.

Well, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

Now that we're all assembled, I'd like to introduce the guest of honor.

I hope you'll all be as delighted to meet her as I was.

You can come in now.

Everyone, this is Alma hodge, Orson's first wife.

Oh, about that apology...

Any time you're ready.

So you have been in Canada this entire time?

Well, my aunt Agnes has a place in winnipeg.

I hadn't planned on staying so long, but I needed the time to find myself. It would've been nice if someone else could've found you.

There was a whole lot of drama around here. Yes, I heard.

People actually thought Orson had done away with me?

Amazing, isn't it, where some people's minds will go?

Well, you gotta hand it to her. Just when you think.

Bree's thrown every conceivable theme party, she hosts a "shame on you"

"for thinking my husband killed someone" dinner. So Alma's alive. Big deal.

We still don't know what went down between Orson and Monique.

Susan, please. We look stupid enough for suspecting him.

Just let it go.

It may be a little late for that.

Detective Ridley. Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like to speak to your husband.

Oh, well, I'm afraid he's not here, but I will be happy to tell him that you came by.

Who is it, darling?

Excuse us.

Can't this wait? We're having a dinner party.

Hello, Dr. Hodge.

Detective Ridley.

We need you to come with us. We have some questions about that Jane Doe we showed you in the morgue. Why do you think I'd know anything about her?

Well, youwerehaving an affair with her when she died.

Oh, where did you hear that?


I didn't know they were gonna come tonight.

Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions that you might have.

My apologies. Please, stay. Enjoy the dessert.

I don't believe this.

You called the police?

Well, obviously, you weren't going to.

They needed to know that that dead woman was Orson's mistress.

I told you that in confidence. Did you seriously think I could sit on information that would exonerate Mike?

I mean, if you had seen his face in jail the other day...

The other day? You... you saw Mike?

Yeah. I... just to tell him about the lawyer.

I know that Mike is innocent.

Right, just like you knew she was dead.

I thought we had an agreement.

We do. Can we talk about this later?


After your next conjugal visit?

Ian. Wait!

Boy, when it comes to Mike, there's no one you won't betray.

Excuse me?

Hey, guys...

Please leave my house.

Bree! You heard me. Get out!

Okay, Bree, I know you're angry, but for the sake of our friendship...

Oh, make no mistake, our friendship is over.

Okay. You go...


So, winnipeg...

Must get pretty cold up there.

I'm just getting my coat. Ian, please, I just lost one of my best friends.

I can't lose you, too. You said that you wouldn't see him again.

But you had to know that I would go one more time to just explain everything. Actually, no, I didn't.

Well, that's just crazy!

Why are you acting like a crazy person?

Because you've already left me once for this... this guy!

Things are different now! I-I love you!

You... you don't have to worry about that anymore.

If we're gonna make this relationship work, then you have to trust me, and why are you smiling at me?

You just said that you love me. Yeah? So?

Well, you've never said that before. Yes, I have.

No. I-I-I would've remembered.

Well, I'm saying it now. I love you.

Do you have a problem with that? No, ma'am.

You... you... you can't kiss me now. I'm yelling at you.

Well, I'm listening.

Well... Don't... don't think that you can get out of this, you know, by just...

Oh, god. Oh, yeah, uh, oh, yeah, right... right there.

Oh, right there.

Look, I think we should stop doing this.

I know it's my idea, but it just doesn't feel right anymore.

So you slept with Julie. It's no big deal.

Well, it is to her, and I don't want to see her get hurt.

Me, either.

So let's just not tell her.

There's no place in Fairview that's more peaceful.

All the floors are hardwood.

Oh, there are brand-new appliances.

And the gardens are...

Well, they're beautiful.

So... what do you think?

I'll take it.

Really? That's terrific!

I'll draw up the papers in the morning.

If you don't mind me asking, why were you so interested in this particular street?

I've been moving around a lot in the last few months, and I need a place where I can really settle down.

You know what I mean?

I wanna live in a place where children know how to behave, where people still have some sense of moral value, and where friendships are good and strong and last forever.

That's what I'm looking for.

Then I think Wisteria Lane is the place for you.


More than anything, I just wanna fit in.

Oh, you will, Alma.

You absolutely will.