Desperate Housewives S3E12 Script

Not While I'm Around (2007)

Previously on...

The last two years are a blank.

That's a fresh approach.

I believe you.

Mike couldn't place a familiar face...

Whoever killed her... The police couldn't identify a murder victim...

Pulled out all her teeth. There's no signature.

Gabrielle was getting showered with gifts...

Buyer asked to remain anonymous. From a mystery suitor.

I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor!

And Lynette couldn't believe... Oh, dear god.

What her husband had done.

I wanna do what... You wanna do.

Julie's first love was two-timing her, and Orson's first wife... I'm Alma hodge.

Wasn't going away...

What do you think? I'll take it.

Anytime soon.

Your average housewife worries constantly about the dangerous people she sees on the nightly news, which is why she buys expensive alarm systems, carries pepper spray in her purse and keeps a gun in her drawer, so she can go about her day feeling safe and protected.

Your average inmate worries constantly about the dangerous people he comes in contact with every day, which is why he takes ordinary items and turns them into weapons that he always keeps handy, so he can go about his day feeling safe and protected.

What is the difference between the housewife and the inmate?

The inmate knows the feeling won't last long.

Delfino, right?




Come on, brah, let's go.

You okay?

Yeah. I owe you one.

Yeah. I guess you do.

Yes, we all need protection from those who would do us harm...

And sometimes from those who protect us.

Wild parties. Handsome strangers.

Tender kisses.

Oh. I had a great time.


Yes, there were many things Gabrielle solis liked about being single again...

But coming home to an empty house...

Was not one of them.



Hi. You're sleeping at my place tonight.


What did you have in mind?

God, I hate my life.

Honestly, did you think I was gonna sleep with you?

It would be the polite way to thank me.

Carlos, this isn't funny.

I am scared to death of this maniac. Since when?

Yesterday you were loving all the presents, the intrigue. The guy broke into the house.

He went from secret admirer to stalker.

For all I know, he's trying to kill me so no one else will have me.

Why don't you just call the cops? Oh, and tell them what?

"9-1-1, somebody broke in the house and left a $6,000 dress."

Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly?

Nothing. Just having you here helps.

Now that's very sweet.

Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape.

Glad I could help.

Hey, stranger.


You have good timing.

I just got all the kids to sleep.

Aw, damn, I wanted to tuck 'em in.

Well, you could tuckmein.

I thought I smelled your sex perfume.

Come here. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Mmm.

Oh, oh, oh, mmm. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't get me all revved up just yet.

The printer said he was gonna drop off my menu on his way home. He already did.

Oh, you didn't look at that, did you?

'Cause it... it's just a mock-up.

Too late. I looked... And it's great.


Yes. I love the font, the color, everything.

I amsojazzed to see the restaurant.

It is so good to hear that.

Mmm. Ooh!

So... any idea when that might be?


How about... two weeks?


You open in two weeks.

Yeah. Well, that'd be a good time for you to come by, 'cause there's free refills, balloons, music...

Might there be a v.I.P. Preview for people, say, who bore your children?

Lynette... Yeah?

I don't want you to see it until it's all done.

Why not? Because you will take one look at the place and then you'll have all these tips and suggestions that you just won't be able to keep to yourself.

Ya think? 'Cause I just saw a take-out menu with a 6-digit phone number, and I kept that to myself.

See? There it is! That snarky, know-it-all attitude. What?

I am snarky because I point out one small, glaring mistake?

That's it.

Nowyou're banned from the opening.

Fine! Good night.

So... we're not having sex?

Hey, you banned me fromyouropening.

All I'm saying is that I'd feel a lot safer on the pill.

But if you're not 18, you need parental consent.

Do we really need to give your mother another reason to hate me? She'll hate you a lot worse if you get me... hey!




Bye. Bye.

Can't we just keep using condoms and be extra careful?

Are you crazy? They're not dependable.

Sure, they are. Why do you think everybody uses them?

They all have to pass inspection.

It's too risky. Condoms are only 85% effective.


Mom, what happened? Are you okay?

Oh! I was just, uh...

I lost an earring.

Mom, you're wearing both your earrings.

Oh! I found it.

Austin, I would like to talk to my daughter privately.

Sure. Call me later.

Why were you two talking about condoms?

Why were you eavesdropping? Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex?

Because I thought that I raised you to be smarter than that.

Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games?

It's dangerous.

Every time you turn around, there's a new disease.

Do you want it to burn when you pee? Mom...

Sex kills! Mom!

What? I'm not having sex.



Oh, thank god.

If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?

Because we know two kids at school who are, and they're only using condoms, which is really stupid because condoms are only 85% effective.

Yes. That's right.

A condom alone will not protect you.

I totally agree.


Alma! I-I didn't know that, uh, you knew Edie.

I told your friends at that dinner party I was looking for a new house. A house?

Yes, and Gaby introduced us.

Oh. Well, um...

I don't want to keep you.

I'm sure that Edie has lots of other houses to show you.

Nope. We're done. Alma took one look at the applewhite house, and bam... love at first sight. What?

We're gonna be neighbors. No!

I mean...

I mean, no, Alma, you can't buy this house.

Why not? Well, are you aware of its history?

The previous owner... Was harboring a murderer.

It was her son.

Say what you like, she was a great mom.

They had a dungeon in the basement.

I mean, people say they still hear groans coming from the house at night.

They're gonna hear groans coming fromyourhouse if you don't zip it.

Don't worry, Alma, I'm sure that, uh, Edie can find you a house that won't give you nightmares.

It's too late, Bree.

I've fallen in love with this neighborhood.

And as for that haunted house stuff... well, that's just silly.

People don't come back from the dead.

Don't I wish.

I will not have that woman as a neighbor.

You have got to do something.

I said I'd talk to her. So what are you waiting for?

The house is dark. She's not there. Oh, so you're just gonna wait until she moves in?

I will deal with it. Bree, please calm down. How can I be calm?!

For months, people thought you killed your first wife.

No sooner does she show up and clear your name, than the police haul you off to ask you about another murder!

They just had some questions. Everybody has questions.

Susan and I aren't even speaking because of it.

Bree, please.

I try to hold my head up and smile and just bake more pies for the church social.

But now your ex is camped out on our doorstep like I am hosting some kind of mormon slumber party, and I do not know how I am gonna bake my way out of this one!

Darling, I swear to you, I will get Alma out of that house.

I don't care if I have to live up to my reputation and strangle her.

Oh, you're a good husband.

Have you lost your mind? I amnotgetting you the pill.

Aunt Edie, Julie and I are in love.

Oh, please.

It's not love you're feeling. It's hormones. That's not true.

Okay, fine.

If you want to... express your love, you don't need to go all the way.

Kiss. Touch. Rub.

I mean, whatever happened to heavy petting?

It's so underrated.

That's your advice? Well, I'm sorry.

I've never been good at getting peoplenotto have sex.

So you're not gonna help us?

Julie, if I do this, your mother would have my head.

You should be talking to her.

I can't talk to her.

The whole idea of this completely freaks her out.

She started screaming, "sex kills."

Hmm, so now it's all in my lap.

God, she pisses me off.

Look, how about I spring for a box of condoms?

Will that get you two off my back?

Condoms are only 85% effective.

Is that true?

Damn. I thought I could coast all the way to menopause.

Look, we're gonna have sex whether you help us or not.

We're just trying to be responsible.


All right.

But just so you know, the responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies.

There. I said it out loud, just in case anybody asks.

Gaby, I need another pillow.

All right. Don't take the big one.

That's my favorite.

It's only for one night.

'Cause tomorrow I'm gonna be back home sleeping in my own bed.

What?! You can't abandon me! There's a madman stalking me.

My life is on the line.

Do you know how scared I am?

You're keeping that?

Hey, I'm scared, but not of the dress.


Carlos, wake up! I need you!

Oh, yeah, I thought you'd come around.

What? No! Hey!

He's here.


Carlos, be careful! He might have a gun!

I'm unarmed. Stop kicking me!

Oh, now you're gonna give me attitude?! Ow!

Gaby, we got him. Maintain.

This jerk has been terrorizing me.

He broke into my house! It was a $6,000 dress, and my boss didn't want me leaving it on the porch.

Your boss?

Hey, uh, ahem, I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but there was a problem dropping off the gift.

Yes, and she's, uh, right here... with me.

This is Gabrielle. Who the hell is this?

Yes, I got your "token of esteem," and I'm not impressed.

Because you're freaking me out, that's why!

No, I don't care how much it cost.

That's beside the point.

Really? That much?

Tell him if he doesn't stop harassing you, you're gonna call the cops.

Look, I know you're trying to be romantic, but if you keep this up, I'm gonna be forced...

What'd he say?

That's very sweet of you, but I am not the most beautiful woman in the world.

Tell him you're gonna get a restraining order on him.

Yes, I-I may be in the top ten. Gaby!

Hey, I'm talking here!

Your voice sounds so familiar.

Do I know you?

He says I know him and that he wants to reintroduce himself at dinner.

Absolutely not.

I would not feel comfortable meeting for dinner.

Good girl.

How about lunch? Gaby!

But you have to promise to stop buying me these expensive gifts.

Because I'm not that kind of girl.

Well, for that many karats, yes, I could be that kind of girl.

Um, I gotta go. I'll talk to you tomorrow!

Oh, how about that?

And here I was, thinking some guy wants to murder me in my sleep.

The night's still young.

How are those ribs?

Ah, just needed some tape. Man, those guys were hard-core.

You really saved my ass.

Don't mention it.

No. Seriously.

Ever anything I can do for you, you just say the word.

I'll keep that in mind.

All right.

Hey, Delfino.

Yeah, boss?

You might wanna find yourself another prom date.

Guy's not your friend.

How do you know that?

After those mutts knocked you around the other day, your boy paid 'em off.

You sure?

I saw money change hands. Just watch your back.

So I was in the middle of totally freaking out when Julie assured me that she's not having sex.

I can't tell you how relieved I was.


Don't say "uh-huh" like that. Julie wouldn't lie to me.

If she says she's not having sex, then she's not having sex.


You can't say "ooh-Kay" like that, either.

Julie's not like other girls. She's a straight- "a" student.

And you were valedictorian.

What were you up to that your mother didn't know about?

Okay, you search the closet. I'm gonna look under the bed.

Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking...

Remember where everything goes.

You are gonna make a really good mother someday.

So what does this diary look like?

Uh, it's small. It's got a plaid cover.

Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy.

Now help me flip this mattress.

Oh, my god! You found it?

This is adorable!

You think maybe I could... No, you cannot borrow it.


Why does Julie have a VCR?

To watch movies.

Please. Kids don't watch videos anymore. Everything's digital.

See? It's just a tape.

Is it?


What do you think you're doing?

Measuring for drapes. I'm thinking damask.

You know what I mean.

Why have you moved here?

Well, it's a very nice street, and I've made friends here.

People have taken such an interest in me.

Yeah, they thought you were dead.

The novelty of your not being a corpse can't last forever.

What are you after, hmm?

Are you still punishing me?

You want me to pay you to leave? What?

I want what I've always wanted...


I'm married.

And... and even if I weren't, I don't love you.

You didn't love the old Alma.

I'm not that woman anymore.

I'm stronger, more confident.

It may take you a while to see that, but I can wait.

Alma, I love Bree.

But does she love you?

Oh, she may love the Orson she knows...

But does she know what you did to Monique?

Does she know you ran over Mike Delfino?

I know all that.

I still love you.

Would she?

So I see you've spoken to mother.

Yes. It's nice to have someone on my side in all of this.

Don't worry. I won't tell Bree.

She might go to the police, and you're no good to me in jail.

But if I thought I had no chance with you, no chance at all...

Well, there'd be nothing to stop me from telling.

Please, Orson, don't take away my hope.

She's not going.

Why not?

And what the hell was that on the porch?!

She kissed me good-bye.

What was I supposed to do, slug her? You went over there to read her the riot act.

Instead, it looked like you were reading her a bedtime story.

Bree, I told her we don't want her here.

I threatened, I shouted. She refuses to go.

We're just gonna have to make the best of it.


Hey, it's me. You wanna meet for lunch?

No, honey, I got...

I gotta drive to greendale to pick out napkins.

Remember? I told ya.

Oh. Yeah, that's right.

So I'll, um, I'll see you tonight.

Okay. Good. I'll see ya.

Oh... my... god.

Hey, Mrs. Scavo.

Andrew, hi!

I thought you weren't starting until the opening.

Oh, yeah, there's just so much work that needs to be done.

Mr. Scavo asked me to start early. Oh.

He's not here, by the way.

Yeah, I-I know. And hey, don't tell him I stopped by.

I'm not supposed to be here. I just wanted to sneak a peek.

Shouldn't you be working?

Shouldn't you not be here?


So, uh, how do you like the place?

I think it's fantastic.

It's really coming together. Ooh, I love the bar.

Oh, yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty cool.

It's too bad we can't get a liquor license.


Oh, uh, didn't Mr. Scavo tell you?

No... he didn't.

Don't, um, restaurants make half their money on the liquor?

Oh. Yeah. We're... We're completely screwed.

This is a nightmare. How did this happen?

Uh, the city, uh, rezoned and said he had to get all the residents within a block to sign a waiver, and there are some holdouts.

He's kinda bummin'.

Well, then why isn't he dealing with it instead of shopping for napkins?

We could lose our shirts in this dump!

Is this Dr. Marvin tashman?

Hi. My name is Susan Mayer.

Um, my daughter Julie came in to see you...

Yes, about birth control.

So I'm just curious...

Where do you get off prescribing thatwithout my consent?!

What?! No, I most certainly was not there.

What do I look like?

I don't have blonde hair.

Wait, did my blonde hair have dark roots?


I forgot to give you the keys to the shed.

You got my daughter the pill?!

Here. Catch.

Don't you walk away from me!

Do we have to do this now?

Yes, we do.

You might have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter! Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?"

Shecame to me. You do not get to decide this for her!

What were you thinking?!

Aah! I was thinking, ifjulie got knocked up, that... that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, icannottake that chance.

Oh, you know what?

It wasn't till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex!

She's just a boob job away from being you!

Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex.

The genie is out of the bottle.

And you better get good with it, or you could lose her forever.

'Cause like it or not, she loves him.

And you know what else? He loves her.


Your gentleman friend went to make a call.

He'll be with you shortly.

Thank you.



Zach young!

Oh, my god! It's been ages.


Look at you! So handsome in a suit.

You look beautiful.

Aren't you sweet?

Uh, well, anyway, I... I'd love to catch up, but I'm kinda waiting for someone.

Yes, I know.

So the dress fits. Cool.

I'd like a bottle of your 1982 château lafite rothschild, please.

I'm sorry. How old are you?

Oh, uh, why don't we say...


So you are.

Wow, someone got an advance on their allowance.

I was my grandfather's sole heir.

I'm... I'm actually in the fortune 400.

Does that... Does that seem weird to you?

I'm on a date with Zach young.

Nothing's ever gonna seem weird again.

Every cent we have is circling the bowl, and Tom never said a word. Why didn't he come to me?

Well, clearly, he's embarrassed.

But I'm his wife. Don't be dense, Lynette.

Half the reason men want to accomplish anything is so they can show off for the women they love, and when they fail, they like to keep it to themselves.

I'm gonna tell him.

I'm gonna tell him I went to the restaurant and that I know he screwed up and that I'm gonna fix it.

Oh, for god sake, it's bad enough you cut off his cojones.

Now you wanna juggle them?

My husband is in trouble.

I love him. Shouldn't I want to help him?

Well, if you really love him, you should help him without letting him know that you did.

Yeah, so in addition to my penthouse, I also have a château in Switzerland and a cottage in the Hamptons.

That's pretty impressive, huh?

You got a little chocolate on your shirt.

Hmm? Damn it!

Here, let me get it. No, I can do it! I can do it!

I... I'd like to do it myself, thank you very much.

I'm sorry, I...

You know, I'll... I'll be neater for you next time.

Next time?

Honey, let's get real. You are way too young for me.

I'm 2 months older than John rowland.

Well, John rowland was a mistake.

I was lonely.

You're not lonely now?

You've heard about my divorce.

Yeah. You were really smart to get rid of Carlos.

You deserve much better.

And let me guess... Now you're my upgrade?

Well, everybody knows you need someone to take care of you, and I'm rich now. I can give you anything you want.

Wait a minute. Who says I need someone to take care of me?

My mom, her friends from the neighborhood.

They said it was the only reason you stayed with Carlos, considering how he treated you.

Well, they were wrong.

Thank you for lunch, Zach.

Wait, Gabrielle.

I'm not that awkward kid that I was before.

Can you please just...

Please take me seriously.

I'm sorry. I just can't.

I'm not... I'm not gonna give up.

Oh, sweetie.

I really wish you would.

For god sakes, Zach!

Don't hijack a Ferrari if you don't know how to drive!

Mr. Gaunt?

Hi, I'm Lynette Scavo.

My husband is opening the pizzeria right down the block... if it's about that liquor license, I'm not signing.

Please, I've been at this for hours. Just hear me out.

Well, I never could resist a pretty lady.

Oh! Come on in.

Thank you.

Did you live in Las Vegas?

I was a croupier for 40 years, and as you can see, I had a weakness for showgirls.

I bet you were quite the player.

You have no idea.

Can I top you off there?

No, thanks. Two's my limit.

Well, suit yourself.

Look, I understand your concerns about the license.

Your neighbors had them, too.

But they signed the waiver once I explained to them that this is a family restaurant.

No late nights, no loud music.

If there's one thing I learned in Vegas, it's that booze turns most people into noisy jackasses, and I don't want 'em puking on my doorstep.

Come on, Harry. You are my last holdout.

What's it gonna take? Cash?

Uh, free pizza for the rest of your life? You name it.

Look, I-I hate to disappoint a pretty lady, but I'm not signing.

Harry, my husband quit his job to start this restaurant, and if we can't sell liquor, we can't make a profit...

And whoa, whoa, whoa, Harry. Eyes up here.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


This place is his dream, and if he can't make it work, then it's just gonna kill him, and consequently it's gonna kill our marriage...

And, Harry... Harry, what did I say?

I know, uh, uh, I don't mean to be rude.

It's just that my showgirl days were a while ago, and I can't remember the last time I laid eyes on a... A beautiful woman's...


Really? Well, what if I were to...

Very briefly refresh your memory?

Completely worth it.

Glad you thought so.


Come on, baby. Say it one more time for mommy.

So you can teach 'em to say whatever you want?

Oh, yes. These birds are very bright.

I think they're smarter than people.

Somepeople, anyway.

Bree! Come in. I just made some lemonade.

This isn't a social call.

We need to talk.

About what?

About what it's gonna take to get you to sell this house and move.

Move? Why?

You're my husband's ex-wife.

You disappeared so people would think he killed you.

Does my discomfort really need any further explanation?

I had no idea you felt this way.

Oh, please.

Orson made it perfectly clear we don't want you here.

Okay, now I'm really confused.

When Orson came by, all he said was, "welcome to the street" and did I need help unpacking.

That's not true.

You know what? I-I think I've said too much.

How about that lemonade?

Ma'am, where would you like this?

Ooh, uh, upstairs. I'll show you.

Here, drink this. You look a little pale. Be right back.

Don't tell Bree.

Don't tell Bree.

Oh, my...

Are you all right?

I'm so sorry. I br... broke a glass.

Don't worry. I'll get it.

Well, okay... I have to go.

Oh, Bree...


I understand why you might feel a little threatened about my moving in here.

But in time, you'll see I'm...

I'm perfectly harmless.

So... how was the mystery date?

Uh, it was fabulous. Thanks for asking.

Oh, come on. I want details. Who is he?

Oh, some global financier, saw me on the cover of "Paris match."

Good-looking, just not my type.


'Cause I always thought that you and Zach would make a really great couple.

You son of a bitch. You were there?

Parked across the street, laughing my ass off.

I can't believe you followed me.

I thought you were meeting a psycho killer for lunch.

I was worried.

Well, at least until they brought out the crayons and children's menus.

All right, off my porch.

Okay, but don't forget, you asked me to watch your back.

Yeah, about that...

Um, I'm installing an alarm system tomorrow, so I'm not gonna need you to look after me anymore.

Gaby, I don't mind.

Imind. We're divorced.

I can't keep running to you every time I get scared.

I want to be the kind of woman who can take care of herself.


Good for you.

I'm still right down the block, so if you do need me...

I won't. But thank you.



You're home early.

I'm celebrating. We got our liquor license today.

Really? That's great!

Yeah, Andrew said he went all over the neighborhood getting signatures.

Good for him.

But I think he's lying.

I think somebody else got the signatures.

Okay, let's say just for the sake of argument, that someone else did...

Someone who clearly loves you very much.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. Nothing. Order has been restored in the universe.

You saved the day. I'm a loser.

Aw, come on, Tom.

I tried for two months to get that waiver signed.

You did it in a day. Like I said...

You can't drown in self-pity just because I helped you with one tiny little thing.

Okay, but if I tell you that the plumbing's not up to code, that we have termites and that the chairs won't be there until after we open, can I drown in self-pity then?

Why haven't you told me about all of this?

Because I wanted to accomplish something on my own.

I'mthe man.

I shouldn't have to run to my wife to bail me out.


Gambling with our life savings and not asking for help doesn't make you a man.

It makes you an idiot.

Come on, Tom, for god sakes, we are a team, and that restaurant is a huge undertaking.

No one could do it alone.

You don't ask me for help with your ad campaigns. Ow!

I don't have to.

You're always giving it to me, inspiring me.

Remember the mouthwash jingle? Youcame up with the hook.

And... and what about the bartlett campaign?

Would I have ever come up with tango-dancing fleas? All you.

There's nothing that I have accomplished that I could have done without your help.

Okay, fine. I help. We're a team.

Just don't hit me again.

So tomorrow, first thing, we'll fix the plumbing, we'll call an exterminator, we'll rent some chairs and wewillopen on time, and it'll be a glorious success thatyouwill have achieved with my help, okay?


And tonight I'm gonna slap on some sex perfume and you're gonna get naked, and then we're gonna see who the man is.

God, I hope it's me.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

Hey, mom. What are you doing out here?


Okay, here's the thing...

Don't worry, I'm not gonna get mad. Just sit down.

You know what upset me the most?

That you didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

I tried to. You freaked out.

Well, of course I freaked out. I'm a parent.

You know, we hope that our children will wait to have sex till... After we're dead.

And you wonder why I went to Edie.

Okay, that's the other thing. That cannot happen anymore.

You and I have always had an amazing relationship.

Let's not mess it up now.


I'm sorry.

Look, I know you think I'm too young, but...

Austin and I are in love.

Yeah, um...

About that...

God, I wish there was a pill you could take to protect your heart.

What do you mean?

Honey, I... I was over at Edie's today, and...

I walked in the door...

Uh, yes, I need to speak to my husband.

Uh, yes, there is.

Um, would you please ask him to come home as early as possible tonight?

Thank you.

It's a dangerous world.

So we all look for protection...

And whether we find it in the arms of our mother...

Or at the end of a jagged blade...

In the kiss of our sweetheart...

Or at the end of a barrel, we do what we have to to feel safe...

Because we know somewhere in the world...

There are those who would do us harm.