Desperate Housewives S3E13 Script

Come Play Wiz Me (2007)

Previously on...

While Ian's wife Jane was in a coma...

Do we have a deal? Susan got an ultimatum.

He's not crazy about me spending time with my ex.

Mike's new hero... Uhh!

I owe you one.

After those mutts knocked you around the other day, your boy paid 'em off. Had a secret agenda.

Gabrielle. Gabrielle learned the identity...

I'm rich now. I can give you anything you want.

Of her secret admirer.

Tell me everything.

And Orson's mother shared some family secrets that Bree... would later discover.

If there was one thing Orson hodge understood, it was teeth.

That's why people stopped him at barbecues...

During cocktail parties...

And in the occasional men's room.

Yes, when it came to teeth, people expected Dr. Hodge to have all the answers.

Sadly for Orson, this was not always the case.

Well, it does look a little fishy.

Fishy? It couldn't be more obvious.

Alma killed Monique. That's why she disappeared.

And I bet she pulled the teeth so people would suspect her dentist husband.

Well, why would she keep them? Who knows?

She's probably gonna sneak in and plant them in our house. Well, we've saved her the trouble, haven't we?

Is it a full set?

Orson! Not on the duvet!

Oh, it's okay. They won't stain. I don't care!

I am not sleeping in a bed that had your dead mistress' teeth in it!

Let's just take them to the police.

And say what? We can't prove these came from Alma's.

She'll deny ever having seen them.

And don't forget, I'mthe one they suspect.

Well, we have to do something.

I agree, but not until we puttheseback in her house.

And then we'll call the police.

Trust me, she'll never get away with it.


You've been very naughty, haven't you?


Is that you?

I know what you and Alma are up to, and it's gonna stop.

Yes, Orson was an expert on teeth.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do.

That's how he could tell when people were lying through them.


It can happen so quickly.

In the moment it takes a gunman's bullet to enter his victim's leg...

In the time it takes to tell a wife her husband won't be home for dinner...

In the instant it takes a father to meet his son for the very first time...

Yes, life as we know it can change...

In a heartbeat.

Jane's still running a fever.

Yes, and she hasn't responded to any of the meds that we've tried.

Do you think we should call her husband?

Uh, not just yet.

Let's try vancomycin. It worked for her before.

I don't want Ian to worry.

This is your new lawyer, Alan Marcus.

Alan, this is Mike Delfino.

Hey, Mike. Sorry I couldn't start on your case sooner.

I was wrapping up an armed robbery trial.

It's nice to finally meet you.

And you must be Ian.

I can't thank you enough for helping me out here.

Susan and I are happy to be of assistance.

So should we get started?


So, Mike, I've had a chance to review all the evidence against you, and I've got a strategy to ensure your case never goes to trial.

Don't you love this guy? What's the strategy?

Pleading guilty? What kind of a strategy is that?

He'd only be pleading to manslaughter.

That's still ten years in prison. Well, which is better than life, and that's what Mike's risking if he goes to trial.

With good behavior, he could be out in five. With a better lawyer, he could be out in zero.

We need to find a lawyer who believes that he's innocent.

Well, the evidence against him is very compelling.

You're letting your feelings for him cloud your judgment.

My "feelings for him"? Are we gonna do this again?

Do you realize that every conversation we have winds up being about Mike?

"Who's the best lawyer for Mike? How can we get Mike acquitted?"

I have told you I love you a thousand times.

Where is all this jealousy coming from?

Do you know what?

I have to catch that plane to Montreal.

What? No, Ian, we have to talk about this.

I can't be late. It's business.

Look, I have provided Mike with the best lawyer I know.

If you want to get someone else, then you're on your own.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, deciding what to wear on my first day back to work.

Do I look fat in this?

I think you look good in everything.

Wow. Your father has taught you well.

What about the street fair?

If you're going back to work, who's gonna take me?

Mrs. McCluskey. Won't that be fun?

No. Do you have to go back to work?

Come on. You and your brothers will be thrilled.

Don't you get tired of me yelling at you to clean up your room and finish your homework?

Yeah, but you've been a lot nicer since you got shot.

Oh. Well, that's good to know.

When you think about it, me going back to work is not that big a deal.

We're only losing a little time together in the afternoon.

But every hour counts. I miss you all day long.

Oh, honey...


Do you really mean that, or are you manipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty?

A little bit of both.

Yep. Your father's taught you well.

The suspense is killing me.

Shh! Shh! Here it comes.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for...

The winner of this year's little miss snowflake pageant is...

Sherri maltby!

I'm in shock. I mean, I knew she had a shot at the top five, but to actuallywin?

I was sure she'd lose to that little blonde bitch who sang that patriotic medley.

I know. She practically had sparklers coming out of her ass.

Totally shameless. Mm.

Okay, hon, let's go meet those reporters.

What are you gonna tell 'em? I owe it all to "beauty by vern."


Oh, Zach. What are you doing here?

I came to support you.

Oh. Okay, why don't you support me from the lobby?

I have some networking to do. My girl just won the pageant.

Oh, yeah, I know, and you're welcome.

What did you do?

Don't worry. I paid the judges in cash.

There's no paper trail.

You bribed the judges?!

Gabrielle, why are we fighting? We should be celebrating.

I got a limo outside, a bottle of chilled cristal.

Come on. Let's go. Let's party. Listen to me, you pimply psychopath, you and I are never going to "party."

In fact, the only reason we're ever gonna be in the same room again is if you strangle a cheerleader and I wind up on the jury!

God, I love it when we banter.


Hello, Alma.


Uh, I let myself in. I hope you don't mind.

Not at all.

You seem very cheerful.

Oh, I am, 'cause the game's over, and you lost.

I told you what I'd do if you pushed me away.

Well, I'm afraid that threat no longer has anyteethin it.

Yes, your mother told me about Bree's little discovery.

What'd you do with Monique's teeth?

Well, maybe I threw them away. Maybe I hid them here.

You might find them, if the police don't find them first.

Oh, I don't think you'll bring the police into this.

Well, neither will you now.

We're done. Why don't you do us all a favor and go away?

You shouldn't treat me this way.

Don't bother crying.

Tears might've worked when we were married, after you lost the baby. They won't work now.

We should have kept trying.

If we'd had a child, we'd still be together.

I know. That'swhy I stopped trying.

Good-bye, Alma.

Well, here's some sucky news...

Ken just quit.

Your new manager? No. Yeah, so I'm screwed.

I'm gonna have to drop out of the street fair.

Tom, no. You can't. You can't.

The pizzeria opens in a week, and that street fair is the best advertising we're gonna get.

I know, but I can't work it alone.

Well, you know, hire someone else.

Well, there's no time for that.

The future of the restaurant is at stake.

It is time to get creative.

Well, I do have one option, but it would require some sacrifice. Well, whatever it is gonna take.

You could help me.

What?! No.

Unh-unh. Look, I'm wearing makeup.

I am holding a briefcase. What does this suggest to you?

You could call in sick.

I can't call in sick after eight weeks of sick leave, especially when I've been fine for three of them.

Oh! Crap, that's ed.

Lynette? Lynette, please?

You're the one who said that we need the street fair.

My boss is waiting for me outside in his car.

What am I supposed to do?

It's time to get creative.

Oh, there she is. Oh.

Hey, guys.

Boy, didn't expect you to still be wearing a sling.

Yeah, it heals a little slower when the bullet's still in there.

Oh. They couldn't get it out? No, it's too close.

To what?


God, I'm so sorry.


Hey, you got a little, uh, cereal right...

Cereal? I didn't have any, uh...

Oh, I know what that is.

I get nauseous from the pain, so that's just a little residual vomit.

Lynette, you sure you're ready to come back to work?

Yeah! Don't be silly. I'm fine.

Come on. Let's go sell some toothpaste.

All righty! Let's go.

Ow! Ow! Son of a bitch! Oh! No, no! I'm sorry!

Don't touch me, okay? Anything we can do?

My pills! My pain pills are in my bag.


Oh! Oh, my pills!

I need my pills, and now they're all dirty!

See ya next week!

Thanks for understanding!

Hey. Looks like an interesting book.

What's it about?

Never mind. I'll wait for the movie.

What's eating you? Those two guys yousavedme from?

I know you paid 'em to attack me.

That's a lie. Hey!

You wanna take a minute to reconsider that?

Okay. Okay. I needed a favor, and I wanted you to owe me.

What favor?

You sure you want to get into this now?

Yeah. Okay.

You remember my son Zach?

Vaguely. Why?

Turns out you and I share more than a cellblock.

Hello, Bree. May I come in?

What's a garden without a snake?

I realize I'm not your favorite person, but I thought you should know why Alma's moved here.

She wants Orson back.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Now off you go.

Orson and I may have our spats, but I'm still deeply concerned about the state of his soul.

Adultery is a sin.

I wouldn't worry about Orson's soul.

He won't be sleeping withalma.

When I said "adultery"...

I wasn't referring to Orson and Alma.

I meant Orson and you.

Excuse me?

Our church doesn't accept divorce.

In the eyes of god, you'rethe other woman.

I'm sure you don't see it that way, but Alma and I do...

And Orson's beginning to.

Are those shoes suede?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Why the hell didn't anybody tell me I had a son?

You'd just come out of a coma.

They probably figured you had enough on your plate.

Well, why are you telling me now?

Zach and I haven't spoken in months.

Every time I've tried to contact him, he won't return the calls.

I don't know what you expect me to do.

I barely remember the kid.

Yes, but he remembers you, and I think if you reach out to him, he'll talk to you.

Zach is all I have left in the world.

Through everything that's happened, I've never stopped loving him.

Can you please get him to come down here and see me?

That's one hell of a favor.

Man, you got some nerve.

I know.

It's kind of what got me in here.

Is it Gaby's birthday?

No, they're probably from Zach young.


You haven't heard?

He has been begging Gaby to go on a date with him.

He's been sending her all sorts of stuff to bribe her, even a diamond bracelet. Zach young?

Mm-hmm. Ourzach young? How does he afford diamonds?

His grandfather left him all that money.

Yeah, I thought it was in a trust, and he couldn't touch it. Until he turned 18, which was a month ago.


So Zach young is loaded, huh?

No. Absolutely not. Oh, come on.

Mike needs a great lawyer. Zach can afford a great lawyer.

I don't care. I'm not going out with Zach young!

It's one little date.

You wouldn't even let your own daughter go out with him.

You said he was a psycho. He's matured... to the tune of a billion dollars.

Please do this... for Mike. Susan, do you know what your obsession with Mike has cost you?

First you piss off Bree and then Ian, and... and now you're pimping me out to a teenager!

Okay, I deserve the pimping remark, but let's not pretend that, you know, we're above teenagers.


You're all I've got.

Oh, fine, I'll do it.

Thank you! This is a noble thing you're doing.

How can you be so sure Zach's gonna go along with this?

Oh, 'cause he's a great kid, and he's gonna want to help Mike...

And you're not gonna be wearing a bra when you ask him out.

Ooh, can you guys just, uh, take five, please?

Gabrielle, what are you doing here?

Wow, you have your own recording studio in your house?

Yeah, I needed a place to lay some tracks with my band.

You, um, you see that guy?

He used to tour with the doobie brothers.

How wild is that?

Gee, well...

Not as wild as what I'm about to say.

You can take me to dinner.

Seriously? Awesome!

Yeah, here's how it's gonna work...

We drive to the restaurant separately, we will not have dessert, and under no circumstances will you touch me. Capisce?

Um... okay.

Great. In order for this magical night to occur, you're gonna need to help Mike Delfino.

Mike? What happened?

He's in jail... for murder. But Susan swears he's innocent, and she wants you to get him a good lawyer.

All right, we have a deal?



Oh, I-I would love to help Mike.

It's just that, uh, if I'm paying for a lawyer, you know, I would like to have more than just one meal with you.

I'd like to have a whole day.

A whole day?

Yeah, here's how it's gonna work...

Um, it's gonna be three meals withdessert, activities of my choosing and a...

A good night kiss.

Now do we... do we have a deal?

Not quite.

The day starts with lunch, and that kiss... off the table.

Did they set bail for Mike?

You know, 'cause I-I could throw that in, too.

$1 million.

It's no biggie.

One call to my accountant, and Mike's a free man.

Or do you want to tell Susan that Mike's gonna stay in jail because you wouldn't kiss me?

Okay, deal, you little skunk.

Here you go. You can come back for seconds.

Our famous pepperoni pizza.

Here's another Canadian bacon. There you go.

Great. Guess what? Our line is the biggest one at the fair.

I counted.

You know what I'm starting to think?


This restaurant is gonna be a big, fat hit. Here you go.

Can I talk to you about something?

I think you hurt Lynette's feelings when you refused to go to the street fair with her.

She's gonna start to think you don't like her.

You don't want that, do you?


Some of 'em should be left on a hillside to rot.

Hi. Hi.

I'm ed ferrara, Lynette's boss. Is, uh, she around? Uh, well, actually, she's at the, uh, uh, the, uh, doctor's.

Oh. Yeah. Well, could you give her this? Oh. Sure.

And tell her to get well.

Mm-hmm. And she doesn't need to come back to work till she's good and ready. I will make sure she gets this.


Excuse me. Mister?

I just wanted to tell you our babysitter gets mixed up sometimes.

Lynette's not at the doctor's.

She's not?


Well... where is she?

Excuse me.

Hey. Try some of that. Hey.

Load me up again, would ya? Yeah?

I'm gonna go poach some customers from that sausage-on-a-stick guy. Oh, I love it when you're ruthless.

Scavo's pizzeria!

Try the smoked chicken and sundried tomato. Mmm!

Mmm! Oh!

This crust is fantastic!

It's cornmeal. That's the secret.

It's not your only secret, is it, Lynette?

Uh, hi, ed.

How's the arm?

Uh... uh, on the mend, but I'm gonna be there bright and early Monday morning.

Don't bother. You're fired.

Wait, ed! Ed, please don't go.

Yes, I lied, and that was wrong, but my husband needed my help.

Ineed your help. You've been gone eight weeks, withpay, while the company's been falling apart.

Okay... and now you pull this on me?

Like I said, really, really wrong, but if you take me back, I swear I will give you 100%.

So... if we have to work late, you're gonna do it.

If I ask you to miss your kid's baseball game, you're gonna say, "no problem, ed"?

You got it, ed.

Good. I'll see you Monday.

Hi. It's... it's me.

Um, listen, we... we... we have to talk.

Ian, I'm sorry, too. We've got to stop fighting like this.

Susan, um, Jane's doctor called me.

She's... she's taken a bad turn.

Oh. Ian...

I'm, uh, I'm on the next flight out, but it's not for a few hours, and Jane's parents are in Rome.

Would, uh, would you go to the hospital for me?

The hospital? Well, I-I know it's a lot to ask, but if something should happen, I...

Well, I don't want her to be alone.

Oh, I'm stuffed!

I can't believe you talked me into that crème brûlée. Oh, don't feel guilty.

I'm sure we burned it off on the dance floor.

I know! You're such a good dancer!

Mm-hmm. Where'd you learn how to salsa?

I've been taking lessons 'cause I knew it was your favorite.

When did I say that? "Cosmo," '98.

And I knew you liked that Merlot from your "vogue" interview.

You researched me? That's sweet!

In a, uh, stalkery kind of way.

Thanks again for a surprisingly enjoyable night.

See you around.

Uh... Gaby?


Right, the kiss.

Sorry. I didn't mean to Welsh on ya.

All right.

Pucker up.

Aah! Ow!

What the hell are you doing?! But you said I could kiss you.

Yes, my lips, not my esophagus! For your information, I have been told that I'm a very good kisser, all right? By who? The same girl that taught you to use your tongue like a windshield wiper?

No, by women... Women with lots of experience...

And every single one of them said that I was a great kisser.

How much did you pay them to say that?


You've paid women for... it's none of your business, all right?

It's none of your business. Uh, yes, it is. You just vacuumed my tonsils.

I deserve to know where that mouth has been.

You know what? I-i-I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Wait, Zach. Zach, I'm not mad!

Hey, I'm just a little...

Grossed out, that's all!

No, you heard me. You heard me, all right?

Read my lips. Just go, all right?

Go! You've got no right to be here!

All right!

What, another one?

You organ donor people are vultures.

Um, no, actually, I'm a friend of Ian's.

He asked me to come... For Jane.

Oh, you... You're the girlfriend.

All right, that's okay then. Come on in.

So, Erika, uh, you were fighting with that guy when I came in.

Have you had a lot of those organ donor people around today?

Oh, that wasn't about that.

No, that was Ted.

What, Ian never told you about Jane and Ted?

No. What about them?

Nothing. Forget I mentioned it. It is not my place.


They had an affair.

Jane cheated on Ian? When was this?

I hate to dish my best friend on her deathbed...

But gossip was the foundation of our relationship, so...

It was five years ago.

Ian was traveling a lot on business, Jane was lonely, and along came Ted.

I'm just stunned.

So I guess they worked it out, right?

Well, Ian took her back.

But if you're asking, did he ever really trust her again?

I don't think so.

Poor Ian.

Mm. You don't know the half of it.

I mean, to be betrayed by somebody you lovedthatmuch...

Ugh. You're just never the same.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Um, word on the street is you're looking for a manager.


Here's my application.

I thought ed took you back.

He did. I told him I wasn't interested.


You're quitting?

I had so much fun at the fair today, working with you on something that was all ours.

I want every day to be like that.

Honey, so do I. Are... are you sure?

I mean, your career's always meant so much to you.

When I got shot and I was lying there bleeding, I wasn't thinking, "god, I'm really gonna miss advertising."

I think this could be the best thing that's ever happened to our family.

We can make our own hours, we'll be together more, and, yes, the money is gonna be a little tight, but I think this place could be a gold mine.

In that case, you're hired.

You do, of course, realize you have to sleep with the boss.

I can do that.


Whoa. It's a little soon to be gunning for a promotion.

Your mother not home yet?

Uh, I haven't seen her. Huh.


What is it now?

Alma did what?!

No, no. I'll be right over.

Wait, wait, what... what... What did Alma do?

I just thank the lord I got here when I did.

But why didn't you call an ambulance?

I thought it best for all concerned to keep this quiet.

By the way, she left a note.

She only did this to upset me.

She knows my history.

She knows exactly what buttons to push.

Orson, calm down.


Our marriage is over.

I will not submit to emotional blackmail.

Are you all right?

I feel dizzy.

Then perhaps you should just...


My god.

Did you poison me?

And kill my only child?

You see how he talks to me?

It's my fault. I upset him.

Sorry about all this.

I just needed to get your attention.


What do you want?

What every mother wants, dear...

A grandchild.


Well, why don't I give you two some privacy?

Thank you, mother hodge.

You mustn't struggle.

I want this baby to be born of love.

I've been injecting myself...

With hormones to improve our chances.

You wait and see. This is gonna fix everything.

You're crazy.

Crazy for you, mister!

I won't. You can't make me.

Why, yes, I can.

That drink had two kinds of pills in it...

One to put you to sleep and one to keep the part of you I need nice and perky.

Now... how about a little music?

♪ We're all alone ♪

♪ No chaperone can get our number ♪

♪ The world's in slumber ♪

♪ Let's misbehave ♪

The doctor was just here.

He said her blood pressure's dropping. She could go anytime.

I, uh, gotta go call her parents.


It's me. We... we just took off.

I-I'll be there in about six hours.

Uh, sweetie, I don't think she's gonna make it that long.

Don't tell me that.

You've done everything you could.

She knows that you love her.

Well, it's just there's... there's things I've got to say to her.

I've carried around so much anger about something that doesn't mean anything now, and I... and I-I need her to know that.

I'm gonna put the phone up to Jane's ear, and you can tell her whatever you need to, okay?


Hello, Jane, darling. It's Ian.

I never imagined I'd have to say good-bye to you like this.

There's so much I want to say.

You play that pretty well.

What are you doing here?

I had a good time tonight, but... I hated the way it ended.

Yeah, me, too.


About those women...

Forget about it.

Give a horny kid a couple million bucks and the yellow pages, and stuff is gonna happen.

It's not just them. I...

I'm paying everyone that I know.

Those guys in my band... They're not my friends.

I'm... hiring them to hang out with me.

So stop doing it.

Stop buying people.

Yeah, right, and then I'd have no one at all.

That's not true.

You'd have me.

As a friend. Afriendfriend.

Not a girlfriend.

I really cannot overstress that.

Come on.

Why do you wanna be my friend?

We have zero in common.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because I think we're both... adrift.

It'd just be nice to have a pal who gets what I'm going through.

Why don't you play me something you wrote?

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Can I sing, too?

Sure. Why not?

All right.

♪ Gaby ♪

♪ Sweet Gaby... ♪ Whoa. Why don't you just hum it, okay?


Sorry. My book club ran late.

Didn't Orson make you dinner?

Oh, no. He's been over at Alma's.

He's been there for a few hours now.

What the hell is this?!

Oh, Bree. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way.

Not as sorry as you are gonna be!

Orson, get up! Leave him alone.

He wants to be with me now. Orson, I have caught you cheating.

At least have the courtesy to wake up!

Oh, for god sakes.

Ooh! Aah!



What have you done to him?!

Nothing. You know men.

The minute it's over... Wham, off to dreamland.

He's not sleeping. He's out cold.

Oh, I knew it.

These are sleeping pills, and these are...

Oh, my god.

You raped my husband!

We made love, and when our baby's born, he's gonna come back to me.

Baby?! It's true.

I could be expecting right now.

Were you expecting this?


Andrew, I need you to come over here right away...

And, um...

Bring the wheelbarrow.


Do... Do you remember me?


No, not really.

But I know who you are.

Okay. Good.


What you did, I'm, um... really grateful.

It's cool.

So if you need anything else, I guess...

Just let me know.

Well, I do need something.

But it's not for me.

Take it to the end. Move.

So how you doing?

You look terrific, really mature.

Your mother would be proud.


I've, uh, really missed you a lot, and I'm sorry for, uh... For everything.

I hope you can forgive me. I want us to be friends.

And that's the only reason you wanted to see me, right?

So we could be friends?



That's great. That's fine.

Well, there is one other thing.

Oh. Yeah.

It's just... Felicia tillman faked her death.

She's still out there. You and I, we both know that.

If you gave... Orlentme some money, I could hire someone to track her down, and then I could get out of here, and you and I could pick up where we left off.


You asked me how I was doing.

I'm actually doing great.

I've got the hottest, most amazing girlfriend in the entire world, and I am gonna marry that woman.

I'm gonna buy her everything she wants.


I have got to learn to say no when people ask me for money, because I got a future wife to think about.

She's got really expensive taste.

I mean, I do forgive you, though...


Hey, Susan.

Hey. You're back.

Yeah, Zach young posted my bail, but I'm guessing you had something to do with it.

Maybe a little.

Is there any way that I can thank you, you know, for everything you've done?

Actually, yeah, there is.

Good. Good. Just tell me.

I can't see you anymore.

I want you to understand it doesn't have anything to do with you.

It's just...

That's okay. It's not...

I think I get it.

Well, I, uh, I should probably go.


Good... good luck with everything.

Good luck to you and Ian.

Yes, it can happen so quickly.

Life as we know it can change in the blink of an eye.

Unlikely friendships can blossom...

Important careers can be tossed aside...

A long-lost hope can be rekindled.

Still, we should be grateful for whatever changes life throws at us, because all too soon the day will come...

When there are no changes left.