Desperate Housewives S3E14 Script

I Remember That (2007)

Previously on...

Ian's wife Jane passed away.

Gaby made a new friend.

A "friend" friend, not a girlfriend.

The finger of guilt... I think it's a phone number.

Pointed toward Mike...

They tested my wrench and found traces of this Monique's blood.

But he still couldn't remember.

Bree found a bag of evidence.

We have to do something.

Not until we putthese back in her house.

Orson had a night...

What do you want? A grandchild.

That he'd soon rather forget.

You raped my husband.

I could be expecting right now. Ohh!

It had been two months since Mike Delfino had awakened from his coma, and the memories he had lost were finally starting to return.

He could now recall the first time he saw Wisteria Lane...

And the first time he met his new neighbors...

And the first time he heard Susan Mayer laugh.

But the memory he most wanted to reclaim still eluded him.

That's why he had gone to see a hypnotherapist, so that he could finally remember everything.

I thought you'd never get here.

I'm sorry. The traffic was terrible.


Sorry about that.

I called my landlord when the pipe started leaking, and he recommended you.

I was so flustered, I couldn't find a piece of paper.

I wrote your number on my hand.

After you finish the sink, maybe you could help me wash it off. Look...

I'm flattered, but I'm seeing somebody.

Me, too...

But he's married, and I'm drunk.

Well, your, uh, s-trap is cracked.

I don't have one with me.

I'll have to go to a hardware store. Now? It's late.

Yeah, well, that water's just gonna keep seeping, cause a lot more damage.

I'll, uh, be back in an hour. I'll be waiting.

Ms. Polier?

I've, uh... got that part for the sink.


What happened, Mike?

I almost had it. I was so close. Close to what?

When I went back to Monique's place, somebody else was there. Who?

I don't know. I couldn't see it.

Yes, there were still many things Mike Delfino couldn't remember...

Then why are you smiling?

But he'd finally remembered the most important thing of all.

'Cause now I know I didn't kill her.


It was 6:00 in the morning, and Bree hodge was faced with a dilemma familiar to countless housewives.

Should she wake her husband to discuss recent events that were weighing heavily on her mind?

Or should she left him continue to get the rest he needed?

Bree made the obvious choice.

I'm sorry, but you've been out cold for ten hours, and we need to talk.

I remember drinking the scotch and then Alma suddenly sitting up.

But after that, nothing.

Oh, dear. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but...

After Alma knocked you out, she assaulted you.



She had sex with you. Oh, that's impossible.

Your drink was laced with pills for...

Erectile dysfunction.

But I was dead to the world.

No, dear, you were dead to the waist.

I had sex with Alma, and I wasn't even conscious?

How reminiscent of our marriage.

Okay, this is no joke.

She raped you, and your mother helped.

Look, after we get dressed, we're going to the police.

I can't do that.

Orson, I know you're embarrassed, but what they did to you was a crime.

No, I can't go to the police. Not now, not ever.

Orson, your ex-wife is a homicidal rapist, and your mother is straight out of "I, claudius."

Why do you refuse to deal with them?

I think it's time I told you about the night Monique polier died.

What do you think of this one?

Pretty sexy. Is sexy what you're going for at the funeral of your boyfriend's wife?

You're right. I'll keep looking.

Why are you even going? Won't it be weird?

No, it'll be fine. Ian wants me there.

Yeah, but it'll be all of Jane's friends and family, and you'll be the other woman who swooped in like some...

Okay, yes, it'll be weird.

But it's not about me. This is about Jane and Ian.

What if I wore this one?

Then it'll be about Jane, Ian and your boobs.

I have got to get more depressing clothes.

Okay, I just need to keep a low profile through the memorial, 'cause once I get through this, Ian can officially introduce me as his girlfriend, and we'll finally be a normal, non-adulterous couple.

What does this one say to you?

Modest, reserved and definitely not dating the dead lady's husband.


I'm not gonna get you towels for your birthday.

Let's go to the jewelry department.

No, Zach, I only accept jewelry from men I plan on sleeping with.

Well, okay, so where does that leave me?

You can buy me that toilet seat cover.

Um, fine. All right, all right, we're just friends.

Can I at least take you out for a birthday dinner?

There will be no celebration. I'm turning 31.

I'm a single woman in her 30s.

I now have to subscribe to "cat fancy." It's the law.

Age is just a number. It doesn't mean anything.

It means something Tome.

Being alone at this age... It's hard, and it's only gonna get harder.

I'm so depressed.

Let me buy you a car.

No, thanks.

But I do need a, uh, liquid soap dispenser.



Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you.

I was just trying to see whether or not this was a regular king or a California king.

Well, I think it's a regular.

California kings are much longer.

Is your... wife particularly tall?

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not married.

Oh. Well, why don't you try it out?

That's okay. I can wait till you get off.

Oh, that'll happen a lot faster if you just hop on board.

I'm sorry?

It was a... shameless sex joke.

I was flirting with you.

Oh! Right!

Sorry, I can be a little dense.

Can we start over?

No. Moment's gone. You killed it.

Uh, look, you know, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but maybe we can, uh, try this again sometime.

It could happen.

Hey, sorry I took so long.

Mr. Young?

Oh. You know my friend... Zach?

No, I don't think so.

I'm Luke... purdue?

I'm on your legal team.

I'm taking point on the halverson deal.

Yeah, right. Hey.

Again, it was nice meeting you.


That was really weird.

I don't even know the guy, and he works for me.

Works for me, too.


Please don't touch me.

All this time, you've said you wanted the truth.

That's before I knew what it was.

You see, that's why I've tried to protect you from this.

Yeah, but you weren't just trying to protectme, were you?

What do you want me to do?

Exonerate Mike.

How could you stand by and let an innocent man be dragged off to prison? You think I haven't felt terrible?

And this, after he'd been in a coma because some lunatic ran him over.

He has had a rough year.

I wanna help Mike.

How do I do that without implicating myself?

I could go to jail.

I don't care if you go to jail.

You have done a horrible thing, and you have to make it right.

I mean it, Orson.

If you don't fix this, I will.

Well, I guess I'm in no position to argue.

No, you're not.

Morning, Andrew. Hey, Orson.

I-I was just gonna ask if you guys wanted some coffee.

Oh. Yeah. Thanks. I could use some.

It's gonna be a long day.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you. There you go.


Dinner is in an hour. You know the rules.

And so do you.

I know, I know, but he gave me the face.

You fell for the face. What are you, a rookie?

Okay, you're right.

Sorry, buddy. Mom's the boss.

I feel nothing.

Hi, Lynette. Hey, Tom.


How's the restaurant going? You ready for the big opening?

Oh, we're getting there. Let me give you a coupon.

Free extra topping on any medium or large.

Well, how nice.

But you know what would be even nicer?

Hire my nephew to work for you.

You know, the coupon's good all week.

Look, I don't know what lies you've heard about Austin, but you can't be listening to vicious gossip.

I heard he got arrested for beating some guy up.

Okay, that one's pretty accurate.

Edie, I'm all staffed up.

Oh, come on! Help me out.

Seriously, ever since Julie dumped him, he's been depressed and mopey. He's driving me crazy.

Please, any crappy job you got.

Well, I guess I could use an extra guy in back.

Have him there tomorrow, 8:00 in the morning.

Thank you. Thank youso, so much.

Uh, Edie, you... you forgot your coupon.

Oh, Tom, please, you've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza.

Zach! I know. You said you wanted to be alone for your birthday, but, uh, that's just dumb, so I'm gonna take you out.

Oh, that's so sweet, but I, uh... don't worry.

It's just gonna be one friend keeping another friend company.

It's not gonna be a date. Oh, well, um, Luke's gonna be here in 20 minutes, and that kind ofwill be a date.


That's, uh... My lawyer guy?

Yeah. That isn't a problem, is it?

'Cause this is what friends do.

They talk about each other's dates.

No, i-I'm cool.

Have a great time.

Uh, I'm gonna get out of your hair.

So you think this guy's really into you?

Well, he seemed to like me in the mattress department, so here's hoping I likehim the mattress department.

What? Friends say these things.


Oh, well, I'm in luck.

The whole coven's here.

I just stopped by to say thank you.

Mm... you're welcome.

I bought a pregnancy test, but it's too soon to take it.

I wasn't talking about the sex.

Though hats off, mother, for colluding in my rape.

I think it's great that we can still surprise each other.

No, I was talking more about what you did for me and Bree.

What did I do?

Your little stunt made her so angry, she demanded we go to the police.

She forced my hand, so I told her everything.

Everything? Hmm.

That is rather unwise.

I faced my worst fear...

I moment I felt sure would end my marriage, and guess what?

It didn't.

She forgave you?

Not entirely. Not yet.

But she'll come around.

The good news is, the months of dread, the fear of discovery...

That's all over.

So thank you...

And good-bye.


I could be carrying your child!

I don't care if you've got the hodge septuplets in there.

I'm sticking with Bree.

Why must he make everything sodifficult?

Oh, uh, floor's done.

I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your mom's.

Now does this floor look "Bree hodge" clean to you?

Uh... no. It looks "Andrew Van De Kamp" clean.

But your disappointment in me is very Bree hodge.

Okay, just for that, you get to help me take out the trash.

I know you think I'm being a hard-ass, but I'm just looking for a basic level of professionalism that...


Austin? What the hell's going on here?

Just, uh, just talking to the delivery guy.

Hey, where'd he go?

Are you high?




Dude, not smart.

But... but I-I have good reason, and... and when you hear it, you're not gonna make that... that face anymore.

Julie Mayer dumped me, and I'm very...

Very upset.

Your face is not changing.

Get your stuff. Get the hell out of my restaurant.

You're fired. Go on.

Floor's looking pretty clean right now, isn't it?

You said he'd come back to me.

You said deep down, he stilllovesme.

Well, you heard him today. He hates me!

You ravished him against his will.

He's bound to be touchy in the short run.

I'll handle Orson. You just worry about the baby.

He said he doesn't care.

He says that now, but he will not abandon his own flesh and blood.

You're his flesh and blood. He putyouin ahome.

You know, I usually don't say this to expectant mothers, but for god sake, have a scotch.

I should just call the police.


I know what he did.

If he's never gonna love me, why should I protect him?

I'd rather see him in jail than playing house with Tammy tightass.

Knock it off, Alma.

I will make Orson come around.

I don't believe you anymore.

She's got her claws in him, and she's not letting go.

Don't be so sure.

I was looking over at their house last night, and I saw something very...



You can't see it down here.

We need to be up higher.

How can you see anything from here?

There's not even a window.



Just calm down, sweetheart.

Gloria, let me out!

Stress isn't good for the baby.

What are you doing?! Hey!


Really? I do.

Please. Yes, I do. She was so sweet.

So how are you holding up?

Better, now that you're here.

Oh! No, I wanna, um, keep a low profile.

But I've kissed a hundred lips today.

I assure you, it would look more conspicuous if I didn't.

Okay, that's enough.

Ian, oh, you must be shattered.

I know I am. Thanks for coming, Lynn.



You know, Jane used to kid me about you.

Huh. Did she?

She'd say, "Lynn, if anything ever happens to me", I want you to marry Ian."

"You're pushy."

Maybe you can get him to pick up his socks."

Listen, um, if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Why don't you stop over some night for a home-cooked meal?

Oh, that... that... That's very kind of you, but I-I wouldn't dream of putting you out.

Well, I won't take "no" for an answer.

Have you got my number?

I sure as hell do.

Well, i-I'm sure I'll find it in Jane's phone book.

Let me give it to you, just in case.

Call anytime.

Oops. Watch yourself.

So I was there on a plumbing job.

It makes complete sense.

I had no reason to want her dead.

Huh. I always thought hypnotherapy was a bunch of bull, but damn.

This is huge, man. You didn't kill anyone.

The murderer has to be this yellow gloves guy.

Yeah, but no matter how much I concentrate, I still can't see a face. Ah, you will.

Look at the progress that you've made so far.

You're gonna find this guy, and then you're gonna hand his ass over to the cops.

Yeah... Something like that.

Hey, guys.

Well, Ian seems to be holding up.

Mm, it's just a mask. The man is devastated.


Tomorrow night, I'm gonna swing by his place to offer him a casserole and a shoulder to cry on.

Will that shoulder be wearing a spaghetti strap and Chanel no. 5?

You know me so well.

Oh, look at him.

Even in mourning, the man is scrumptious.


I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but don't you think your conversation is a little inappropriate?

I mean, we're here to grieve, not cruise.

I'm sorry, and you are...

Susan Mayer.

I'm... A friend of the family.

Then you know how lonely Ian's been.

And if I wanna do something about that, it's no business of yours.

Look, just to save you the embarrassment, Ian's seeing someone.


I'm not at Liberty to say.

Under the circumstances, they'd prefer to keep it quiet.

I don't believe it. If there was some bimbo in the picture, I'd have heard about it.

As far as I'm concerned, he's free meat.

Okay, it's me.


I'm the bimbo. He'smymeat.

All righty.

I just wanted to clear that up.

And now I'm going to go find myself a seat with a... better view.

Here are your w-4s.

Please sign them and get them back to me as soon as possible.

Also, I'm gonna need a copy... Hi... of your driver's license.



What are you doing here? I fired you.

Well, Mr. Scavo gave me my job back.


You hired him back?

Did... did he tell you he was stoned on the job? Yeah, and he knows if he does it again, he's outta here, so I wanted... look, I don't know what kind of hustle you pulled on him, but it's not gonna work on me. Lynette.

No, I fired him, and you are gonna stay fired.

Honey, can I see you in the back for a sec?

What the hell are you doing, talking to me like that in front of my staff?

Well, I'm sorry, but you totally blindsided me out there.

No, iwas the one who was blindsided.

You just went off on me without hearing what my reasons were.

Well, I'm sorry. Let's hear them.

What are your reasons for bringing back Joe bong hit?

I'll tell ya, if you drop that tone and stop making that face.

What is...

This was a business decision.

In case you hadn't noticed... And I hadn't, until the waitresses pointed it out to me... Austin is hot.

He's gonna bring in every girl from Fairview high andhalf the boys in the chorus. Okay...

What's more, Edie is gonna include our menu in the welcome packet she gives to new homeowners.

I'm not sure she'd feel so generous if we fired her nephew.

Those reasons working for ya?

Yeah. I just wish you'd told me before you rehired him.

I mean, I am the manager.


But I'm the boss.

Well, kinda.

No, no. Not "kind of."


I'm the boss.

You pulling rank on me?

Look, at home, you get to be in charge, and you decide how we discipline the boys, what car we buy, everything. I consult you.

Oh, sure, and if you disagree, you ignore me.

Look, when I go home, basically, I check my balls at the door, and that's fine. It works.

But for this to work, when you walk throughthatdoor, you gotta check yours.




This place is your dream, so...

Consider them checked.

Thanks. Now I need you to do just one more thing.

Whatever you say... boss.

I don't care if youthink you know what's best!

You don't! I do, because I'm the boss, and what I say goes.

Yeah, that's it. Give it to me.

So when I make a decision, it stays made!

You got that, Lynette? Yes, sir.

Okay, that's enough. No, just one more.

And if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it!

But I probably won't, because I'm the boss! Are we clear?

Seriously, stop or I will hurt you.

Okay, I've made my point.

Anybody needs me, I'll be in the back drinking a beer.

Mmm. This is delicious.

Don't get too full.

You have to leave room for dessert.

Oh? What are we having?

Well, let's just say it's going to be served upstairs and involves whipped cream.

It is pudding?


Oh! You're flirting. Yeah.

Okay. Do it again. I swear I'll get it.

It's okay. Do you want some coffee?

You bet I want coffee... Nice and hot and...

Just finish your soup, and we'll get naked.

Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Solis.

I work with Luke. Is he available?

Charles? What are you doing here?

You forgot to initial some pages on the halverson contract.

Can't this wait?

The market's already open in Tokyo.

Uh, go ahead. I'm gonna open some more wine.

Mr. Young wants to make sure you understand that last part.

Do you?


I get it.

So when we think of Jane, let us remember her kind heart and her loving spirit.

And now if there's someone who'd like to share a special memory of our dear friend?

I would.

Hi. I'm Lynn Dean.

Jane and I were sorority sisters.

If she were here, she'd make me sing our pledge song, but I think there's already been enough grief for one day.

Now I know how badly we've all felt for Ian during his long, lonely vigil, so I'm sure you'll be as happy as I was to learn his vigil wasn't quite so lonely after all.

Oh, dear god.

No, he found a warm, caring woman to share his burden...

And so much else.

Some people might find the fact that she's here today inappropriate, but I think she's a hero.

She dared to brave the scorn of those who might find her actions questionable or even unsavory.


I was gonna ask her to stand, but I see she already has.

Susan Mayer, say hello.



Guess someone's in a hurry to get on with the evening.


Well, I should go.


I have a lot more work to do on that halverson deal.


But can't it wait till after dessert?

And by "dessert," I mean sex. You are clear on that, right?

Painfully, but my job's at stake here.

I really don't have much of a choice.

Oh, I think you've got lots of choices.

Here's one of them.



What do you think you're doing?


I gave you an order, and I expect you to follow it.

Now get out of there. Oh, I'm trying, sir.

I'm... it's just that I'm meeting some resistance to theplan that we've agreed on.

Okay, she's not letting you leave? That's fine.

Here's what I want you to say.


Okay, I'll give that a shot, sir.

Is that your office?

Yeah, they, uh, they really need me over there.

Okay. So come back when you're done. I'll wait up.

I can't. No, I really can't.

What is with you?!

An hour ago, you were really into me, and... and now you can't get out fast enough.

Okay. Truth?

I thought I could do this, but I can't.

I'm just not attracted to you.

Of course you are!

No. See...

I really only date women in their 20s.



You're too old for me.

I still got a lot of kick for an old broad, don't I?!




Mom, are you all right?

Don't move her. She might have broken something.

Yes, we need an ambulance, please, at 4354 Wisteria Lane.

My wife's had a bad fall. Please hurry.

What the hell is this?

Mrs. Hodge was very lucky.

She only suffered a slight concussion.

If you have any more questions, the doctor should be back soon. Thank you.

Thank god. I was so worried.

Yeah, I'll bet.

What's that supposed to mean?

I heard you two yesterday...

All that stuff about you maybe going to jail.

Well, that's none of your business.

But if you think I had anything to do with Bree falling...

I'm not stupid.

I know the cops have been all over you about that dead woman, and mom said for you to fix it, or she would.

Is this... is this "accident" how you fixed it?

All right, you're upset. I get it. No, no, youdon'tget it.

There's a reason my mom put me out on the street last year.

You've never met that guy. You've never met bad Andrew.

But hurt my mom, and you will.

I love your mother.

I'm gonna do everything I can to protect her.

Yeah, so am I.

Hi. I'm Bree hodge's son. You see that guy right there?

That's her husband.

Do not under any circumstances let him be alone with her.


Because it's his fault that she's in here.

He's a dangerous guy. Now I've warned you.

If anything happens to her, you're liable.

Night, dad.

Oh, you're home.

I thought you'd still be out on your date.

Date's over. What do you want?

Oh, I-I thought since I can't take you out for your birthday, I'd at least leave you a present.

Don't worry. It's... it's not expensive.

Aw, Zach!

So how'd your date go?

Is he crazy? You're not old.


You did not see the look on his face when I tried to kiss him.

It's like he was sniffing expired milk.

That's ridiculous. You're gorgeous, and you're just gonna get prettier every year.

Aw, that's so sweet...

But it's a lie.

Every tick of the clock takes away something.

Zach, what am I gonna do when I'm not pretty anymore?

That's never gonna happen.

I'm gonna take a little nap, okay?

Just for a minute.

Take as long as you like.

Susan, I've looked everywhere for you.

I didn't think to start with the, um...

Embalming room.

Yeah. I'll be having night terrors from now on...

Which I deserve.

Look, no one is judging you.

If anything, they're judging that dreadful Lynn.

I should be thanking you for driving her away.

It usually takes a crucifix and some garlic.

I'm so sorry I ruined Jane's funeral.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

It's just...


I thought after we got through this really... painful day, things would start to get better.

I thought I could be more a part of your world.

Now all your friends and family are just gonna think of me as the crazy lady from Jane's funeral.

Oh, god. Oh, Ian.

Okay, this is not supposed to be about me.

You should be upstairs... Saying good-bye.

I'm just gonna hide out here with the departed until everybody leaves.


No more hiding.

We have been doing it far too long.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You helped me through the most difficult part of my life.

I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I want to marry you.

Ian, are you proposing to me?

Well... I guess maybe I... I am.

Whoa, whoa! Um, before you say another word...

Take a look around.

Ah. Right.

I hadn't really thought a lot about this moment, but... but when I did, um, the table we were at didn't have a blood gutter.

Then may I reopen the subject at a more opportune time and place?


I accept your proposal to propose.

Shall we?

Now I want you to dig deep.

If you feel your memory blocked, just count to three, and the block will melt away.

It is natural and easy for you to recall anything.

Now remember Monique polier.

Remember the night you met her.

Ms. Polier?

I've, uh... got that part for the sink.


Sorry. Uh, Monique's upstairs taking a nap.

She wasn't feeling well.

Mike? Did you see something?

I'm her boyfriend.

I, uh, ahem, figured she'd want to wake up to a clean kitchen.

Uh, well, I'll just finish up with the sink and be out of your hair.

Uh, why don't you let me take care of the sink?

I mean, I'm pretty handy, and it's getting late.

Oh, I don't mind staying.

No, look, it's okay. I-I got it under control.


Well, this should cover what we owe you.

Tell Ms. Polier I hope she feels better.

Will do.

Oh, hey...

Don't forget your wrench.

Mike? Wh... where are you going?


Uh, hey, Mr. Delfino.

I need to, uh, talk to your stepdad.

Orson's not here. He went to the hospital with my mom.

She's fine! Thanks for asking!

Mr. Hodge?

Your wife's just sleeping.

I suggest you go home and do the same.

I will.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just, uh...

There was a time when we were all so happy.

I just can't seem to remember it anymore.

Recapturing the past is a tricky business.

While most memories are simply souvenirs of a happier time...

Hey there.


Can be quite deadly.

Hey, Mike.

What brings you to the hospital?

I've been seeing a hypnotherapist.

She's helping me fill the gaps in my memory.

Well, how's it going?

It's working.


Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!