Desperate Housewives S3E16 Script

My Husband, the Pig (2007)

Previously on...

Mike's plan to propose to Susan...

These things don't belong to Jane. "Mike Delfino." was a surprise to Ian.

Monique was murdered... There's been an accident.

And Orson... Don't forget your wrench.

Passed the blame.

A connection was made.

Ahem!

A heart was broken, and Bree buried her husband Rex.

My name is Rex Van De Kamp.

I always hated cemeteries when I was alive.

Now that I'm dead, I like 'em even less.

Here's where I used to live...

A whole lot nicer, don't you think?

The place hasn't changed much since I left...

As tasteful and tidy as ever.

Everything perfect...

At least on the surface.

My family was the same way.

Look at us. You'd never guess how ticked off we all were the day this was taken, but that was the thing about us Van de kamps.

To really fit in, you had to have a smile that gave away nothing.

Like my son Andrew... To look at him, you'd never know he spent six months on the streets supporting himself with panhandling and light prostitution.

Or my daughter Danielle...

Does she look like the kind of girl who'd seduce her middle-aged history teacher?

I mean, they're my kids, and I love 'em, but I'm pretty darn relieved to be dead.

Here's the clown Bree replaced me with...

Orson.

I don't mind saying, he's creeped me out right from the get-go.

To me, he always has the shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried...

And heshouldknow.

He buried them.

But Bree thinks he's sir Galahad.

The kids like him.

And all my friends...

Nowhisfriends. So it pleases me to know that at least one of my old neighbors sees right through the guy.

Mike, you, uh, you just missed Bree.

She's off to see her folks, and then we're finally taking our honeymoon.

Yeah, not a bad time for you to leave town, is it?

Well, I don't follow you.

I just keep thinking about that night at Monique's place...

How you made sure I left with my wrench, the one with her blood on it.

Well, itwasyour wrench.

Why are you rehashing this?

My ex-wife confessed in her suicide note.

The case is closed.

Maybe it shouldn't be.

What do you think the police would say if they knew you were there that night?

What do you think they'd say if they knew you threw me off a roof?

Oh, Mike.

We could make so much trouble for each other, or we can forget what wethinkwe know and be good neighbors.

Your call.

No, Orson hodge isn't exactly the guy I'd have picked to head my family, but I'll give him one thing...

He's got the smile down cold.

♪♪♪


Take a drive down any street in suburbia.

Know what you're gonna see?

Desperate women.

That's right...

One unhappy housewife after another, each completely miserable...

In her own unique way.

But I don't want to talk about them.

No, I want to talk about their men and what happens to a guy when that special lady in his life starts to lose it.

Like my friend Carlos.

He used to have it all...

How wife, tons of dough, then bam!

She gets a divorce, and he gets stuck with the bill.

But does he sit around and complain like your average hausfrau?

No, sir.

He finds creative ways to get what you can out of life.

Hey, bro! Where you off to? Oh, the hospital called.

They found the stuff I had on me the night of the accident.

Wow. Coma, murder rap... You've had a tough year, buddy.

You know what you need? Some pampering.

Tomorrow you're checking in to a nice hotel.

Room service, jacuzzi, my treat.

You trying to get me out of the house?

Mike, why would i... Okay, there's this girl.

I knew it.

Dude, she's a dancer, and if her online profile's any indication, she's a complete freak. We're talking serious daddy issues.

Look, I'll stay in my room. You'll never hear me.

Yeah, but you'll hear me. I'm kind of exuberant by nature, and when I haven't had it in a while, I kind of do this shrieking thing that, I mean, is kinda... okay. All right, I'll go. Just stop talking.

Thanks, pal. I wouldn't want it to put a weird spin on our friendship.

Too late.

This is my friend Tom.

Have you heard what he's been up to lately?

The silly bastard opened up his own pizza place.

He thought that if he was his own boss, he could sleep in as late as he wanted, but the problem with that logic is that married guys...

Hey. It's after 9:00.

Come on, thomasina, it's time to get up.

Are never their own boss.

Are you as tired as I am?

More, but I'm tougher, and I complain less.

Not when you give birth, and you do that a lot.

Yeah? Ow!

Before I forget, you got a call from chez nous confirming your reservation for our anniversary.

You heard that? I wanted that to be a surprise.

Well, we've been going there for the last seven years.

It's not exactly a surprise. Anyway, I hope you don't mind, but I canceled.

You canceled? Why?

Honestly, I just don't feel up to going out this year.

But it's our anniversary. It's our ninth anniversary.

Come on. The "big nine."

That's a year longer than my mom said we would be married.

Come on. We gotta party down.

I'm exhausted.

Honestly, all I wanna do is pawn the kids off on somebody else, take a long bath and be in bed by 8:00.

Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Mwah.

Hold it.

What about my sex?

I always get sex on our anniversary.

We can still have sex. Just try not to wake me.

This is Ian.

Don't really know the guy, but Susan Mayer seems to like him.

The other night, he surprised her with a proposal.

She said yes, but he's still a little skittish about the competition.

But Ian knows that if love is war...

Hey. Where were you off to so early this morning?

Sometimes you gotta bring out the big artillery.

I should have had it when I proposed.

It's not very good form, I know.

Ian, oh, you can't be serious.

Oh, oh, that's just... Too much.

It's huge. Well, we could go smaller.

Oh, no. No one's saying smaller.

No, that's crazy talk.

Rock me.

Oh!

Oh, my! Oh, it's so beautiful!

Oh! Oh! Oh, okay. Okay, nobody move.

I got it.

I knew I should have measured your finger. No, it's okay.

I can get it resized.

You should go to the jeweler's right now, and when you get back, we can go and look at some places for the reception. Reception?

Yes, I was hoping we could pull this together for next month.

What's the rush? Am I pregnant? Of course not.

I just... well, I just can't wait to be married to you.

Are you sure? 'Cause you seem a little anxious.

What would I have to be anxious about?

Again, sorry for the mix-up.

If you could just sign right here...

I don't remember this. You sure that's mine?

It was on you the night you were admitted.

I got hit by a car.

I don't remember anything about that night.

Well, it looks like you were gonna propose to someone.

"Susan, be mine forever. Mike."

Does that ring a bell?

It sure does.

Hey, Carlos.

Hi. I have a little visitor that I thought you might get a kick out of seeing.

Remember my little boy?

Hey, Travers. How you doing? Put her there.

I'm Carlos solis.

I think you came by my house one time trick-or-treating.

I remember. You gave me a protein bar.

Right.

Sorry. My wife forgot to buy candy.

Hey, is that football I hear? Go on. Check it out.

I didn't know your son was coming for a visit.

Neither did I.

His, uh, father just dumped him here for four weeks so he could jet off with his doctors without borders buddies and fix cleft palates in Kenya.

Selfish son of a bitch.

Oh, come on. I mean, you barely even see him.

It'll be fun... a chance to bond.

Yeah, that's true, but, um...

I have this major party tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you could just keep an eye on him for a few hours.

Sorry. I can't tonight. Oh! Come on! You love kids.

I mean, didn't you rent that Chinese chick so that you could have one of your own?

I have a date, too, with a chick so hot I had to turn off the smoke alarms in my house.

Fine. Travers, come on. Let's go.

This isn't a child-friendly house.

Bye, Travers.

It's good to see you.

Wow, she's a looker.

I'll say.

Hey, what time's that fund-raiser? You got an hour.

Well, then...

Let's have a little fun.

Look what you did!

Don't yell at me. I'm just a passenger.

Well, your driver's an idiot!

Hey, it's not Clyde's fault.

I mean, what man wouldn't be distracted by such beauty?

Now you're hitting on me?

I was talking about the car.

Well, good. I'm glad you like it, 'cause you're gonna pay to fix this.

Of course. $5,000 cover it?

Five?

Well, sure, I guess.

I'd rather not file an insurance claim.

My opponent could find out and try to make me look bad. Opponent?

Oh, well, I guess you don't read the papers.

I'm running for mayor. My name's Victor lang, and I hope I can count on your vote.

I think I'd rather vote for the other guy...

You know, the one who didn't wreck my car?

Oh, you're off your game.

You didn't even get a phone number.

Oh, don't worry. I'll be seeing her again.

How can you be so sure?

I didn't sign the check.

What the hell are you doing? We need to talk.

No, we don't. Get out. Please. You won't return my calls.

Well, I've been busy.

Plus, my mom caught you naked on top of my friend.

Just read this, and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll never bother you again.

Fine, I'll read it, but only if you get out of the car right now.

Now? But the... The hot wax is starting.

I know. Ticktock.

Uh...

Aah!

You're still in there?

How long does it take to pluck that unibrow?

Leave me alone! Danielle, I have to be at work in ten minutes.

Now can I please just come in and brush my teeth?

I'm having a really bad day, all right?

Just go away!

I'm gonna have a really bad day, too.

I tend not to get tipped when my breath stinks.

I'm pregnant.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey, um, I'm just selling some old jewelry.

I spoke to my manager.

There's gonna be a charge to remove the inscription, but, uh, wecanrefund you for the engagement ring.

That'll be fine.

Was that the ring that you bought for...

Yeah.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, I, uh, have to get this sized.

It's... it's a little loose.

Do you know your size? No.

Congratulations, by the way.

Ian... seems great.

Thanks.

I can't find my sizer.

Um, here.

Try this one.

Oh, no, th...

How's that fit?

It's perfect.

Great.

Can I have it back now?

Oh! Oh, s-sorry.

Hey, you've got a cousin in the limo business, don't you?

Actually, I've got a cousin in the "limo as a front for prostitution" business.

He's in jail. Why do you ask?

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm just planning a big thing for my anniversary.

Aren't you just gonna go to chez boring, like you do every year? No. Lynette's so over that, she was ready to bag the whole night, so got me thinking.

Nine years... Time to shake things up.

Now I'm planning the greatest anniversary of all time.

Check this out.

Lynette's gonna open the door to find a limo driver with a dozen roses and a card.

The card is gonna tell her to go with the guy, not ask any questions.

He'll drive her out to the country.

He'll drop her off, then drive away.

Just as she is starting to freak out, I show up in a horse-drawn carriage, which takes us up to Whitman's bluff, where we eat a catered dinner, listen to a professional violinist.

Afterwards, when we come home, I'm sure Lynette will think of a way to thank me.

You're one romantic son of a bitch.

Whoo-hoo! I have my moments.

Of course I'm not questioning mayor Johnson's family values.

I'm sure they're what prompted him to put his sisters, brother-in-law and six of his cousins on the city payroll.

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me, I have to cut this interview short.

I have some very important business to attend to.

Ms. Solis, what a nice surprise.

Are you here to make a contribution to my campaign?

Not exactly.

Oh, no. Did I forget to s...

I'm so sorry.

Let me make it up to you.

I'll take you to dinner. My treat.

It would be your treat. I'm a hot date.

What's in it for me?

Well, I have, uh, "an ingratiating wit, trustworthy smile," according to the "plainview herald."

Yeah. Check, please.

My family also owns lang enterprises.

Dad's worth a...

Few hundred mil.

Well, a girl's gotta eat.

Great. I'll take you to cucina.

There's no place harder to get into.

That's what you think.

Mike, this is completely unnecessary.

My paying for your lawyer was a favor. It wasn't a loan.

I-I appreciate it, but I just don't like to owe anybody.

Well, I-I just don't want you to have any trouble getting back on your feet.

No, it's fine. I had a windfall. The hospital gave me back an engagement ring I didn't even know I had.

Oh, really? So you sold it?

You should have kept it till the right girl comes along.

Well, I...

Couldn't give this ring to just anyone.

Oh, right, the, um, the inscription.

How'd you know it was inscribed?

Well, i-isn't that the custom?

Uh, I just assumed it was.

Well, uh, listen, i-I've got to get some fresh rags.

Uh, thanks for the check. I'll see you around.

Oh, you can count on it.

Are you sure? Yes.

I peed on five different sticks.

Would you put that burrito away? It's making me nauseous.

Join the club. Look, I-I know your parents are religious, but I know this clinic.

Absolutely not!

So what other choice do we have?

Well, gee, you could, like, uh, marryme?

Marry you?! I can't stand you.

Oh, nice way to talk to the mother of your child!

Oh, god.

Bathroom.

Hey.

Julie.

Hi. Uh, hey.

Your door was open. Can I come in?

Uh, wh-what are you doing here?

I read your letter.

I had no idea it would be so sweet.

I could really tell it came from your heart.

I'm embarrassed to admit, I...

Cried.

Uh, my aunt Edie sort of tied one on last night.

Oh.

Anyway, I-I guess what I'm saying is...

Okay.

"Okay"? Uh...

We can try again.

Julie, that's great! And I want to talk about this, uh, but I just kinda need to take care of my aunt.

Can I call you tomorrow?

Sure. Oh, we're gonna have to take things slow, 'cause it'll be a while before I can trust you again.

I understand.

Thank you, Bruno. The veal was excellent.

Feel like dessert? No, thank you. I'm stuffed.

Then let me propose a toast.

To a delightful evening, and to the happy accident that brought us together.

Victor, you are so full of crap.

What?

There was no accident.

I know you told your chauffeur to ram my car. Why would I do that?

Uh, for the same reason you forgot to sign the check.

You've been working me since the second we met, and I've been on to you every step of the way.

What? What's so funny?

I just called you a manipulative jerk.

I think I underestimated you.

I also think this relationship just got a lot more interesting.

There is no relationship. This is our last date.

You didn't have any fun?

It was okay. You know, you told a few good jokes.

You're sorta charming.

You're not bad-looking. I just think I can do better.

Have you not noticed? I'm a catch.

Ihavenoticed, and I'm throwing you back.

Gaby, let me tell you something.

For my whole life, whenever I've truly wanted something, I've always gotten it.

And tonight, right around the time you were calling me a manipulative jerk, I decided I truly want... you.

So brace yourself.

The chase is on.

You can chase me all you want, but trust me, I'm way too fast for you.

Bruno...

I'm gonna marry that girl.

Can I just say something?

You are way hotter than your online profile.

So many guys say that.

Mmm.

Mmm.

What's wrong?

Oh, my friend's kid is out there.

Oh. Hey, I got an idea.

Let's go upstairs.

I should warn you...

My therapist says I'm sexually compulsive.

This could take hours.

Whatever your issues are, we will work them out together.

It's almost 11:00.

What is he doing out there by himself?

I'm sure his folks know he's out there.

Now relax.

I'm so sorry.

I will be right back. I promise.

Hey, Travers, what are you doing out here?

Where's your mom?

She had to go visit a sick friend.

Come on.

No way. I didn't come over here to babysit some little brat.

Shh. He can hear you.

I don't care.

Look, his mother's bound to be home soon, all right?

Then we can pick up where we left off.

Forget it.

I'm officially no longer in the mood.

Sorry I ruined your date.

That's okay.

She was a very bad lady who wanted to do very, very bad things to me.

Night, raoul.

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, I, uh...

Ducked out... Just for an hour.

That's funny, 'cause I found Travers wandering the streets three hours ago.

Look, he was fine when I left.

I just didn't know he'd go outside.

Yeah, you never know what an 8 year old's gonna do.

That's why you supervise him.

Hey, you don't get to judge me. You don't have a kid.

Well, if I did, I'd treat him a hell of a lot better than you do.

Thank god he lives with his father. I mean, come on.

What kind of mother are you?

If you are done lecturing me, I would like my son now.

He's asleep.

Come and get him in the morning...

When you're sober.

Hey, buddy!

Your mom's here for ya.

I know you think I'm a terrible person.

I never said that.

Terrible mother, terrible person...

It's the same thing.

Because no matter what else she does, if a woman isn't a good mother, she's a failure, right?

Look, um...

When I had Travers, I, uh, I knew I was in over my head, and when Charles and I split, I...

I gave him custody.

Because I wanted my son to have the best life possible.

And that doesn't make me a good mother, but...

I like to think it makes me a realistic one.

Hey, mom.

Hey, champ.

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

Guess what?

I've got so many fun things for you to do today.

Cool. Yeah.

Thanks for the ice cream.

My pleasure. I'll see you, little man.

Hey.

Travers said he's, uh, staying at least a month.

Yeah.

So if you ever need a babysitter, just yell.

I appreciate that.

Hey! Wait for me!

No, I don't want a viola player.

I asked for a violinist. I don't even know what a viola is.

Oh, it's just a big violin?

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'll see you at 8:00.

What was that?

It's... Just a little surprise, okay?

Let it go.

"Let it go"... that's cute.

Start talkin'.

I planned a little something for our anniversary.

That is all I'm gonna say.

Okay. Okay. Okay. If we're doing this, I need to buy you something.

What do you want?

You don't have to buy me anything.

Well, you didn't have to plan anything, but you did, even though we had an agreement.

You like ties? You're getting a tie. What are you getting so upset about?

I have been dragging my ass all day, and the only thought that's kept me going is the hot bath, and now I have do my hair and shave my legs.

So what do you want to do, Lynette?

Just tell me what you want.

I told you what I want.

Hot bath, bed early, but you chose not to listen.

Well, okay, I guess I can just cancel the whole thing.

You can have your dream evening alone, and I'll get up a poker game or something.

Thank you.

Hey. You know what? I've been dragging my ass all day, too, and you know what got me through it?

The idea of doing something special with you.

Happy anniversary.

All right. I'm off to join your mother.

The hotel number's on the fridge in case there's a problem.

Bree said her cell phone isn't getting good reception.

Uh, actually, we... we kinda already have a problem.

Well, I'm already late for my flight.

Can this wait a few weeks till we're back?

Yeah, this could wait a few weeks. Oh, good.

I mean, heck, this particular problem could wait...

Nine months.

Good lord.

How was your bath?

Oh, I couldn't relax.

I just kept replaying the fight I had with Tom in my head.

Well, at least your husband tries to be romantic.

Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance.

On the last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner.

He died two weeks later.

I didn't cry.

Wow.

Who could that be? Here.

All right. Here's what we're thinking.

Clearly, the idea of the two of you getting married is ridiculous.

So what do you want me to do?

Glad you asked.

Bree and I have decided that Danielle will join us on our honeymoon.

When we return, we'll tell our friends she's decided to study abroad. Once the baby is born and adopted by a suitable family, she'll come home.

What about me?

You leave.

Leave?

Get out of Fairview and don't tell a soul why, not even your aunt. I can't do that.

Why not? Because I've got responsibilities here.

People are counting on me. Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you impregnated my stepdaughter.

I said I'm not leaving! Oh, easy there, turbo.

Uh... We'll be right back.

So who exactly is counting on you?

Hmm? Julie Mayer, maybe?

She gave me another chance.

I can't leave if I've still got a shot with her.

And what's gonna happen when Julie finds out you knocked up my sister? Didn't your stepdad just say no one's gonna find out about that?

Okay.

Try this.

Julie's a nice girl, and you, well...

You're a dog.

No knock.

I'm a dog lover myself, but Julie deserves better.

You know you'll just end up cheating on her.

No, I won't hurt her again.

Sure you will.

Not right away.

Maybe you'll hold out for six months, but then it'll hurt her even more.

Am I wrong?

You just have to ask yourself if you can be the kind of guy she needs you to be.

If you can't...

Walk away.

Beer is on the house, guys.

Drink fast, get stupid, lose money.

Mike!

Hey.

How's it going, buddy?

Hey, you know, uh, Orson, right?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, neighbor.

Hey, so let's get started, huh?

5-card stud? $2 ante?

Good evening, gentlemen.

Ian!

Hey... Ian.

Nice to see you, Mike.

What is fish and chips doing here?

Susan asked me to include him.

Said he always wanted to learn how to play poker.

So we're going to give him some very expensive lessons.

Be careful. He already knows how to bluff.

Hey.

Hey. How's it going?

Good. Good, uh...

Just wanted to tell you, I have to leave town for a while.

Really? Is something wrong?

No, no, no. It's just family stuff.

I don't know exactly when I'll be back.

It could be a while, though.

Oh.

Okay.

I just want you to know that...

It means a lot that you were willing to give me a second chance.

You're, like, the only person that's ever done that.

Austin... What's going on?

Nothing, uh, it's just...

I have to go.

Good-bye, Julie.

Austin!


I'll raise you.

Mm. Out.

Ah, another courageous move for "foldilocks."

All right. I'll call you.

Flush, king high.

Full house, 7s and knaves.

Jacks. Wecall them Jacks.

Boy, this is your lucky room.

Yes, I heard about your engagement the other night.

Congratulations.

Yeah, about that, Ian, was that, uh, proposal spontaneous, or did you have it all planned?

Oh, it was entirely planned.

I thought it would be the ideal occasion.

Wow. Well, if it was planned, why didn't you have a ring?

Well, I thought Susan might like to choose the ring herself.

Ante up, boys.

So why'd she pick a ring that was too big for her?

How did you know that?

Guys, guys, guys, guys, we came here to play cards.

Why are we talking about jewelry?

Sorry, Tom, but I just found out I bought a ring for Susan myself.

It was in my pocket that night some son of a bitch ran me over.

Hey, Tom's right. We should focus on the game.

After ourtalk, I called the hospital.

They said my ring got in with your wife's stuff.

So you saw it before I did...

The same day you proposed to Susan.

And your point is?

That that's why you were in such a big hurry.

You wanted to seal the deal before I found out about the ring and told her.

Do you think I'm afraid of you?

Maybe you should be.

What do you think Susan would say if she found out why your proposal was so spontaneous?

Guys, can we just play?

I'm trying.

Fine.

Deal.

Hello?

Mr. Scavo, it's Lamar from the limo service.

Uh, I got a flat, so I might be late picking up you and your wife.

What are you talking about? I-I-I canceled you.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. I left you a message.

Oh, I must have missed it.

Anyway, I dropped your wife off, right where you told me.

Oh, god. When?

About two hours ago.

Guys, um, lock up when you're done.

I'll open.

I'm out.

And I'll raise you.

You want a beer?

Hell, Tom's gone. Let's go open up the good stuff.

Well...

Looks like it's just you and me, ifyou're still in.

With this hand? You bet I am.

I'll re-raise.

And raise again.

Your stack's looking kinda small.

Will you take a check?

You know I can't match that.

How about this, then?

You win, you keep the money, and you tell Susan whatever you want.

I win, you keep your mouth shut about the ring, and you leave me and Susan alone.

Deal.

How was the game?

I won.

Lynette, I am so sorry. I am so sorry!

You see, there was supposed to be a horse-drawn carriage and...

Oh, good. You got the flowers.

Coffee?

Yes, please.

Yeah, she... She likes coffee, too. Thanks.

I'm really, really, really, sorry...

Please stop apologizing.

I'm s...

I appreciate what you were trying to do.

It was a lovely thought that just went hideously, hideously, hideouslywrong.

Wait till the kids find out that you saw a real coyote.

Hideously.

Well, I learned my lesson.

Never again. No more surprises.

From now on, I'll do exactly what you say.

Oh, don't... you... dare.

What?

I had a lot of time to think tonight, and I realized you were right.

We have to keep the romance going, no matter how tired we are.

The only thing worse than just going through the motions is not bothering to go through the motions.

So you want me to surprise you next year?

Knock yourself out.

Just wait, 'cause I will think of something even better.

Well, after this year, I would be happy with any date that included food and shelter.

Nine years.

Nine years...

And I have loved every minute of it.

Me, too.

Take a drive down any street in suburbia.

Know what you're gonna see?

A bunch of guys wearing the same expression.

It's a look that says, "oh, crap.

My dreams are never gonna come true."

"I'll never have a life free from scandal."

"I'll never have a son of my own."

"I'll never hold her in my arms again."

"I'll never get to tell her how I feel."

Yeah, the suburbs are filled with a lot of men who have given up hope.

Of course, every once in a while, you do come across some lucky s.O.B.

Whose dreams have all come true.

You know how you spot them?

They're the ones who can't stop smiling.

Don't you just hate those guys?