Desperate Housewives S3E18 Script

Liaisons (2007)

Previously on...

Mike's therapy hit a snag.

I keep telling you, I don't remember. Something happened at that movie.

Who did you see it with? Probably Susan.

Why not ask her about it?

Mike, it wasn't a movie. That was us. What?

That was the first night that we spent together.

I saw you watching us. We were just talking.

Gaby saw another side of Victor.

I didn't marry an angry woman. I just divorced one.

And I set her up in a nice house, and I gave her an allowance, and then I came and went as I pleased. I've known you for two weeks, and this is the first glimpse of a guy I could actually like.

Tom's back put him out of commission...

It'll be a while before he's back on his feet. How much of a while?

Three months. And Edie bared more than her soul for Carlos.

I'm here, and I'm asking for a chance.

Edie britt had always thought of herself as passionate...



Violently passionate.

Carlos solis had always thought of himself as passionate...



Constantly passionate.

So it was natural for Edie and Carlos to assume that if they ever had sex, it would be amazing.

And, in fact, it was...

Amazingly... bad.

Morning. Morning.

So, uh, last night...

Yeah, I know.


Super wow.

Is that clock right?

Oh, man, I gotta get to work.

Yeah! I gotta get home.

So, uh... Oh, we should do this again.

Oh, definitely.

Yeah, this week doesn't seem to be that great. Maybe...

Ugh! Next week, I'm swamped.

Oh. Well, we'll figure something out.

It was at that moment Edie and Carlos had the exact same thought...


Thank you.


Thank you.

They would definitely be having sex again...

Just not...

With each other.


It's so easy to spot the lonely ones.

It wasn't the first time...

They're the people who tell stories to their plants...

I kind of like him.

And whisper secrets to their pets.

I might even ask him to be my boyfriend if he wants to.

And have arguments with their TV.

Get him off the court!

He was running like his feet are made out of lead!

And the loneliest of all are the ones who talk to people...

Do you know what I think, Gilbert?

People who are no longer there.

Phone's gonna ring any second.

It's gonna be Lynette begging me to come over early.

Did I tell you that Tom had surgery on his back last week?

Yep, that idiot's flat on his ass while Lynette brings home the baconagain.

Eh, I shouldn't judge.

Plenty of people didn't get what I saw in you.

I won't name names...

My sister Gayle.

I always told her that beneath all the name-calling and the dish-throwing, we really loved each other.

Betcha 50 bucks it's Lynette.


You lose, Gilbert.

What's up?

I have to get to the restaurant early.

Is there any you could come over and get the kids off to school?

Hey, why am I seeing pajamas? Get dressed!

Yeah, they are ready to go. So what do you say?

Oh, great! Thanks. I owe you big-time. Okay, bye.

All right, I am heading out of here. Wish me luck.

More interviews this morning? Yeah, but don't worry. I am gonna find you the assistant manager of your dreams. Are you sure?

Because the last ten résumés you showed me... Yeah, I know, I know.

Bottom of the barrel, convicts and losers.

You were clear about that last night. And make sure that they really know how to wrangle the employees.

Like Kim... she never buses her tables.

I'm the one that told you that. Oh. Yeah, right.

Hey, honey, I had an idea about the specials for today.

I was thinking goat cheese and mushrooms.

Oh, for god sake, Tom!

I'm gonna be late for the interviews.

I really should go.

Honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know I am driving you crazy. No.

It's just that I'm feeling so guilty laying here, totally worthless, while you run the restaurant and the house.

It's okay. I am gonna find a way to make this all work, and you just get better.

Oh, Mrs. McCluskey. Perfect timing.

Hey, make sure you have your cell phone with you.

Then while you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in.

That is a great idea!

Hi! Hi.

At some point, Tom's gonna ask you to look for this.

You will not find it. Great.

Love you!

Here's your beer.

Oh! Good job, chipmunk. No foam this time.

I tipped the glass just like you told me to.

I think someone's ready to salt his first Margarita glass.

Mommy, do you have trouble going to sleep?


Why do you ask?

'Cause I heard Carlos say you were bad in bed.


Why'd he say that? Do you have nightmares?

Okay, sweetie, I need you to focus.

What exactly did Carlos say, and who did he say it to?

I went to get my soccer ball from his yard.

He was on the phone talking to someone.

So what does "bad in bed" mean?

Well, it means that you're not good at making...

Your bed.

And mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because...

Trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy.

If you want, ican tell people you're good in bed.

No. No, no.

That's fine, sweetie.

Uh, if you want to help mommy, just, um...

Top off her breakfast.

Susan, I'm, uh, by the orange stand.

Where are you?

The cheese stand?

No, I don't mind you going back for free samples.

But if you like it so much, why don't you just buy some?

Yeah, of course, you're right.

It always tastes better when it's free.

Okay, then please hurry.




Boy, you're everywhere these days.

Excuse me?

Well, yesterday, Susan and I ran into you at the post office.

Last week, the movies.

One might think you're following us. Trust me, onehas better things to do than follow you around.

And yet here you are... again.

Ian, Fairview's a small town.

You want distance? Move to the city.

You've been awfully quiet since we left the market.

Is everything okay?

Um, well, since you ask, I'm having some problems at work.


Yes, we're in the midst of some corporate restructuring.

I'm gonna have to spend more time in London.



And I was thinking, maybe you and I should just... uh, relocate.

To London?


I know it's sudden, but... Yeah, it's sudden.

My whole life is here. I mean, my friends.

You know, Julie is still in school... Susan!

Oh, my god. Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.


I can feel the car sinking.

We're gonna have to get to shore.


How deep do you think this water is?

Deep enough.

Come on! Let's move!


I can't swim.


You... you said you played water Polo!

I saidpolo, with horses!

How can you not know how to swim?

Didn't you go to summer camp? I stayed in the canoe. Let it go!

Okay, don't panic.

Just grab onto my neck, and I'll swim for the both of us.

I'm twice your size. We might drown.

Let's just stay here and think of something else.

If you stay here, you'll definitely drown.

You see how my plan is better?

Oh! Look, there's somebody on the shore!

It's Mike! He's here!

Of course he is.


Aah! Aah!

Okay. Okay, okay! I can walk from here!

Sorry. You were just gripping me so tight.

Oh, my god. Mike, you saved our lives.

And our cheese!

Ian, can you believe it?

Mike saved our cheese!

Yes, he's... he's quite the hero.

Oh! Yeah. Good thing I was following you.

Arnie, thanks for coming in.

We will definitely keep you in mind.


Okay, okay.

Come on. What was wrong withthatguy?

He kept asking what we do with the food people don't eat.

All right, so he's a fat loser.

I mean, who'd you expect to get for $8.50 an hour?

Well, that's what we pay you, and you seem happy enough.

Well, that's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy.


My fault for asking.

Uh... Rick coletti?

That's me.

Ah. Great. Come on over.

Um, your application?

One second.

That's been bothering me. Sorry.

No. It's great you can spell.

You are now officially the front-runner.

Yeah, my, uh, grandma came over from Naples. Mm.

I've been making calzones since before you were born.

How old do you think I am?

30? 31?

Hmm. Not afraid to shamelessly ass kiss.

You are doing very well.

Great. You wanna skip ahead to the part where you hire me?

Well, I should probably take a look at your application first.


Okay, don't be afraid if you don't have a ton of experience.

I realize for what we're paying, we're not exactly gonna get a...

Whoa! You were a sous-chef at cucina?


That's a five-star restaurant.

Actually, four.

Which is four more than we have.

Yeah, but this place has character and charm, and...

A beautiful owner.

Um, yeah, but seriously, why would a four-star chef wanna slum at a pizza joint?

Mrs. McCluskey!

Mrs. McCluskey!

I'm right here! Keep your shirt on.

I need another pill.

And please, tell the kids to turn down the TV.

I yell, they turn it down. I walk away, they turn it up.

Vicious circle.

Surely you can control five little kids.

Can I beat 'em? No.

Then my hands are tied.

Hi! I'm home! And I've got good news.

I found a new manager.

That's terrific.

Yeah, his name is Rick coletti, and he was a sous-chef at cucina.

Cucina? Why does he wanna work at our place?

Yeah, I had that exact same thought.

And to be honest, he has a history. History?

You know how stressful it is working in a four-star restaurant, and he, like many chefs, started using cocaine just to stay ahead... Oh, no, no, no. No way.

Well, he... he's been clean for almost a year. We're not the Betty Ford clinic!

No, I know, but I've got a really good feeling about this guy, and all he wants is a fresh start. I am not gonna hire a junkie who's gonna turn around and... and then hock our jukebox just to feed his habit. Here, go find somebody else.

I can't find somebody else. I've interviewed 50 guys, and thisjunkiehappens to be the best of the bunch.

Seriously, Tom, I don't know how much longer I...

Lynette, please, can we just talk about this later?

I'm in a lot of pain right now.

I'm sorry.

Please, just...

Do what I am asking.


I'll, uh, keep looking.


I had such a good time tonight. Who knew you could dance? It's one of my many hidden talents.

I'll tell you what. You invite me in for a drink, I'll show you another one. Not tonight, thanks.

So you would tango with a man and then not have sex with him?

You know, that's actually against the law in Argentina.

Come on. We both know it's gonna happen eventually.

And every time you say that, "eventually" gets a little further away.

Stop begging, or I'm not going to your rally tomorrow.

Okay, fine. I can be patient.

As far as I'm concerned, the chase is half the fun.

Half the fun?

Oh, honey, if I ever do say yes...

You're gonna adjust that percentagewaydown.

You can't possibly be eating more cheese.

What, you've never heard of a midnight snack?

Unless you can think of something else that I can nibble on.


Slide over, you cheddar-breathed tease.



Oh, what's that?

Hmm? Oh, it's a thank you gift for Mike.

Oh. Okay. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we already thank him at the shore, and again when he dropped us off at home?

Well, I don't think you can really thank somebody too many times for saving your life.

Oh, I wish you'd stop saying that.

Saying what? That he saved my life.

I'm fairly certain I could've survived without his help.

And if anyone did any lifesaving, it was me.

You? Yes.

If hadn't warned you about the deer, it would've gone straight through the windshield, and you would've ended up with an antler through your brain.

Oh. Um...

Okay, that's a good point.

Thank you.

But we were in a bit of a jam there, and...

I don't think you should be embarrassed for needing a little help.

I'm not embarrassed, and I don't feel emasculated, either.

Emasculated? Who said emasculated?

And why are you not kissing me now?

I'm ready when you are. Mmm.



Oh, I guess we're gonna cut right to the...

Whoa! Wow!


Don't worry. It happens to everybody.

Maybe it would help to talk about it.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

All right.

We won't talk about it.

Want some cheese?

Hey, how are you? I'm good.

Well, you might not think so, but... I amgood.


Where in the hell do you get off telling people that I am bad in bed?!

I never said that! Travers heard you on the phone!

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was talking to my cousin in Tucson, and we always trade bad date stories.

Ah! And to think that I went out of my way to spareyourfeelings?

What's that supposed to mean? You thinkyouwere bored?

I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer.

Then what was all that moaning? I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!

Oh, come on! You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol.

I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work.

When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you.

Yeah? Well, sex is like tennis.

When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers.

Are you challenging me to a rematch?


So you wanna do it again?

If it'll shut you up...

Yeah. I'll fall on that grenade.

Oh, there's gonna be an explosion. Come on.




I'm prescribing a mild painkiller for your back, and I will see you in a week to remove those stitches.


So... how'd you folks get so banged up? Car accident?

Bad sex.




God, what a disaster.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.

How so?

Well, we got it out of our system.

Now we can go back to being friends.

I mean, we like hanging out, and Travers adores you.

Yeah, and I wouldn't wanna ruin that.

Still, it doesn't make any sense.

Oh, I know.

You know, I'm hot. You're hot.

On paper, we should be having great sex.

Well, we could always try again.

Yeah, me neither.

Yes, this town is hungry for change...

When Gabrielle solis agreed to attend Victor lang's campaign rally, she was fully prepared to be bored.

I give you the next mayor of Fairview...

Victor lang!

But when Victor took the stage, Gabrielle found herself strangely enthralled.

Perhaps it was the cheers that greeted his arrival.

Perhaps it was the confidence he exuded.

Or perhaps it was the effect he had on the citizens of Fairview.

Whatever the reason, Gaby decided not only did Victor lang have her vote...

Thank you.

It was time to make a campaign contribution.

Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.


Excuse me. Sorry.

Um, I'm afraid Mr. Lang has to take an important meeting in his limo...


To the radio station, Clyde.

So what's all this about?

Uh, your speech... I liked it.

Seriously, here?


Well, you laid out allyourpositions.

Don't you want to get acquainted with mine?

Clyde, could you put up the partition, please?

Yes, sir. Anything else?


♪ Good love ♪

♪ 'Cause you got to have love ♪ ♪ good love ♪

♪ Hey, now you got to have love ♪

♪ Good love ♪

♪ A little love, now, baby, good love ♪ Mrs. McCluskey, it has been ten minutes!

Where's mypie?!

I'm unloading the dishwasher.

You'll get your damn pie when I'm done.

Mrs. McCluskey!

I want my pienow.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you heard me.

Your being here isn't charity.

We pay you good money to help us.

So when I ask you to do something, I want it done!

Well, here's a surprise for you...

I quit.

What? What? Why? Why? What happened?

Five kids are tough enough, but your husband makes six, and that's where I draw the line.

Okay, I know that, uh, Tom has been a little cranky lately.

No, I'm cranky. He's insufferable.

I hate to admit this, Lynette, but every time that man screams out in pain, I do a little jig inside. Look, I'll talk to Tom...

No, my mind's made up. Wait, wait, wait!

Please don't do this. Please. I am at the end of my rope.

I wish I could help you, Lynette.

I can see that you're going down, but I'm just too old to get dragged down with you.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, it's cold!

Okay, everybody, go on up to bed.

Parker, you got the baby.

Yeah, that's exactly right. You know what to do.

Before you speak, just know that ever since McCluskey left, I've been lying here feeling like the biggest jerkever.

Tomorrow morning, I am gonna call her and apologize.

I will fix this.

Well, you might also want to apologize to the customer who found a lego in her pizza.

Oh, god. Did the kids do that?

I hope.

Oh, god.

It wassoawful tonight.

Oh, honey.


You know what you need?



A seein' to.

Once the kids are asleep, slip on that sexy blue thing and then sneak back down here.

You wanna have sex? But you're immobile.

Okay, maybe full-on sex is a little ambitious, but there's other stuff that we could do...

But you can't bend at the waist, and that pretty much leaves the heavy lifting to me.

Trust me, if you get us to the finish line, I will cross it.


Is that why you apologized, just so I'd... service you?

Honey, I have been trapped in this bed all day long.

I'm bored. I'm miserable.

Can't you do this one little thing for me?

I have been doing everything I can to keep our heads above water.

I can'tdoyou, too.

For Gabrielle, the best part of having sex with a new man was seeing how quickly his affection would turn to obsession.

No messages.

But when Victor failed to call the next morning...

No messages.

Or the next afternoon...

No messages.

It wasgabrielle who began obsessing.

Not a peep. 24 hours.

Well, he's busy. Isn't he debating the mayor tonight?

I don't care! He can find two lousy minutes for me.

I'm here!

Deal me in.

Sorry, no poker today. Lynette had to work.

Oh. Want a Margarita?

Oh, I'd like three, but I'll start with one.

Ms. Solis? Sorry to interrupt.

You have any water? Yeah, in the fridge.

Who is that?

And why don't you put your water on that lower shelf?

Thank you.

That's Toby. He's fixing my closet.

Has your cocky boyfriend gotten a load of the help?

Move away from that topic. We had sex yesterday in his limo.

Ooh, I love limo sex. Town car or stretch?

Well, stretch, of course. I'm not a complete slut.


Point is, he hasn't called since. Oh.

So... how was the sex?

Fantastic. As good as with Carlos.

Hmm. That good, huh?

God, I'm such an idiot. I gave it up way too fast.

Now I've lost all the power. Oh, come on.

No, I'm serious. Our mothers had the right idea.

They let men think they were the only ones who needed sex, and women just went along as a favor.

Men begged for every crumb, and we never lost the upper hand.

Yeah, no guy respects an easy conquest.

I make all my men wait.

It's true. She has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.

I have so missed our friendship.

I think if you really like this guy, you should just be honest.

You should tell him that you feel a little hurt...

Oh, yeah, whining is really gonna bring him to his knees.

You wanna get this guy back in line?

You hit him hard, hit him fast. Is he the jealous type?

Aren't they all? Mm.

So what should I do to make him jealous?

I got all the shelves up.

Anything else?

My opponent thinks we should combat prostitution by mounting surveillance cameras to embarrass the customers.

I call that a blatant violation of our citizens' privacy.

Mr. Mayor, if you're so worried about privacy, just wear a hat, keep your head down, and you'll be fine.

Okay, thank you very much, gentlemen.

So let's move on to our next subject.

You both have said our citizens pay too much in taxes.

How would you attract new business to boost the city's tax base?

Mr. Lang?

Uh, Mr. Lang?

I'm sorry, would you, uh...

Uh, repeat the question, please?

How would you bring new business to Fairview?

I would, uh...

Offer tax exemptions to, uh, first-year start-ups.

And that will...

Increaseour tax base?

Uh, no. Of course not.

Not at first. But when conjoined with...

My opponent seems a bit overtaxed himself.

Gentlemen, there's been much talk lately regarding our local schools.

What would you do to improve public education?

Mr. Lang?

Here you go. Whoo! Sorry for the wait. Miss! Please?

I will be right there!


Oh, my god! Mrs. Scavo, I amsosorry.

Don't cry. Just clean.

Miss, if you could just... I swear, I will be there in one second.

Here you go. Here you go.


Let me guess. This a bad time?

Oh, my god, Rick. I never got back to you. I amsosorry.

That's okay. I didn't mind waiting.

So long as it's good news for me now.

Look, I think you're great, and we would be lucky to have you.

It's just, my husband isn't really comfortable...

With an ex-drug addict in his kitchen.


You can drug test me every week. Anything you want.

I just... I really need this job.


Could you excuse me a second?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What's up?

I hate my calzone. Oh? What's wrong with it?

It's just not good, and I want a new one.

All right, all right. I will put your order in.

But the kitchen's a little backed up. Not my problem.

You gave me a sucky calzone.

I don't care if you have to get back there and make it yourself!

I can't do this.

It's just...

What is this?

I'll make you a new calzone, sir.

Uh, fresh basil, garlic...

You like sun-dried tomatoes? Yeah, sounds good.

All right. Hey.

Is she all right?

Yeah. It's her grandma's calzone recipe.

She takes criticism very personally.

Prep some dough for a calzone for me, and, uh, can you get someone to chop some basil?

Um, yeah, okay. Uh, who are you?

I'm Rick.

You... you... you work here now?

Looks like I do.

Oh, is that new? I just bought it.

But if you don't like it, feel free to rip it off me.

Actually, I have this book proposal to discuss at an 8:00 A.M. meeting, so I-I can't really, um...

Well, that's okay. You gotta work, you gotta work.

So, um... I was thinking about London.



Julie's gonna be applying to colleges soon, and, um, a year abroad could give her a real boost.

So... let's do it.

Are you serious?

Yes. I wanna spend time in your world.

I wanna play cricket, and I wanna eat crumpets, and I want to use the word... "Ghastly."

God, Susan, you have no idea how excited this makes me feel.

Oh. Mmm, my thigh's getting an inkling.

Mmm. We'll call a realtor first thing in the morning and put our houses on the market.

Mmm, not mine, okay? That way, we can use it when we visit.

Mmm, that's what hotels are for, darling. Mmm, I don't want to sell my house.

Everybody I love is on this street.

Um... what happened?

I'm feeling tired.

You weren't tired a second ago.

I'm not in the mood, all right?

Why not?

You know, I'm not used to being grilled about my sex drive.

Well, I'm not used to guys bailing on me in the middle of foreplay.

Oh, and by "guys," of course you mean Mike.


Oh, I'm sure good old Mike was ready and able 24/7.

You're not actually...

Oh, okay. Um, that's it. Um...

Um... I've had it.


Re-really, I-I can't have this conversation one more time.

I-I've done nothing but prove my love to you for the last year, and you cannot shut up about Mike. I don't trust the man!

Well, you don't have to trust Mike!

You have to trustme, and you don't!

That's what going to england's about, isn't it?

You're just trying to get me away from Mike.

Well, you know what? Screw it. I'm not going.

And if you ever bring up his name again, we're over.

Got it? Over!


This is from me and Ian.

An electric juicer.

Yeah, well, you know, you try to think of a more appropriate

"thank you for saving my life" gift.

Oh, well...

This works fine for me.


I should go.

You okay?


I'm good.

You sure about that?


Yeah, it's just, um...

You know, Ian and I had a... had a little...




Ian, about what I said...

You were right.

You've never given me reason to doubt you.

I'm an insecure idiot.

I don't deserve you, Susan.

But if you'll please keep pretending that I do, I swear I will not utter a single jealous word for the rest of our lives together.


Gaby, it's Victor.

What the hell were you thinking?

That little stunt of yours almost cost me the debate.

It's me again. Okay, I get it.

I forgot to call, and you were mad.

But still, you...

Hi. I hope you got the flowers.

Again, I am so sorry for not calling...

Gaby, come on. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me?

I'll do anything you want...

I brought you some flowers...

In case the other three bouquets get lonely.

Thank you. You can go now.

I don't want to take any more time out of your busy schedule. For god sake, Gaby, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

What I did was thoughtless and inconsiderate. Yes, it was.

But what you did was flat-out vicious. Just trying to get your attention.

By humiliating me in public? Hey, you hurt me.

If I have to strike back hard to protect myself... Is that what you think this is? Combat?

I've been taken for granted before, and I'm not gonna let it happen again.

If I'm gonna give myself to you, you damn well better worship me!

And I will do that... Morning and evening services.


But you have to stop treating this relationship like it's a boxing match only one of us can win.

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm in love with you.

So it'd be nice if you could take the gloves off and trust me.

You're in love with me?


My campaign... That's about winning.

This, you and me, it... it's about happiness.

And we could both use a little.

But maybe you need some more time to think about it.

Look. No gloves.

Travers conked out the moment his head hit the pillow.

Poor little guy was beat.

Well, he should be.

We covered every inch of that zoo.

Oh, check this out...

You and Travers at the monkey house.

Oh, I look squinty. Delete. Delete.

Hmm. Oh, there's the one the pretzel guy took. Aw, look at the three of us.

You have to e-mail me that one.

Isn't that great? Mm-hmm.

You know, he thought that Travers had my eyes.

Seriously? He totally thought we were a family.

Hmm. Well, if we were, we'd be one hell of a good-looking one.


Yeah. Nothing better than family.


Oh, wow.


And this time, ireallymean it.

Yeah. Me, too.

Well, you gonna say anything?

To be honest, I've heard better apologies.

But I know how hard this must have been for you, and that makes me happy, so I accept.


That's big of you.

And it's big of you to admit you're a chucklehead.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Did you hear that, Gilbert? He apologized.

I mean, I know he did it just for her sake, but still...

Maybe they have a good marriage after all.

But they'll never have what we had.

Will they, Gilbert?

Not by a long shot.


It's a force so potent we still remember it long after it's faded away...

A drive so alluring, it can push us into the arms of unexpected lovers...

A sensation so overwhelming it can knock down walls we've built to protect our hearts...

A feeling so intense it resurfaces even though we tried so hard to keep it buried.

Yes, of all emotions, passion is the one that gives us a reason to live...

And an excuse to commit all sorts of crimes.