Desperate Housewives S3E2 Script

It Takes Two (2006)

Previously on...

It means a lot to her to feel included.

Sometimes dark clouds have silver linings...

He sort of asked me out.

It's okay with you if I go out with him? Sometimes they don't.

Once that baby comes, I'm gonna be stuck raising a child alone. When it comes to life on Wisteria Lane...

Will you marry me?

Things that seem too good to be true...

Does she know you killed your wife? Usually turn out...

Get away from him now while you can.

To be deadly.

Brides are sensitive creatures, and no one knows this better than the bridesmaids who have to deal with them.

Well, I think a 10-foot train is great, but a shorter one would be just as nice, and you wouldn't have to worry about people tripping on it.

Personally, I love smoked rabbit, but for a sure crowd-pleaser, you can't beat chicken.

Uh, sure, who doesn't love a string quartet?

But if you got a band, maybe people could dance, as opposed to sway.

But the one area where a bridesmaid's tact is most required involves the dress...

So what do you think?

She's required to wear.

Well, um...

I'm not sure that I've ever seen this shade of green before.

Yeah, don't you think it'll be gorgeous with my coloring?

Yes, it would look perfect.

For someone with your coloring.

I mean, I was lucky to find these...

Not easy putting a wedding together in two weeks.

Then why the rush?

Yeah, Bree, I'd have thought of you as a person who wants time to plan.

Well, Orson and I talked about it, and we just feel at our age, it's silly to wait.

And with your help, I'm sure we can get it all done. Well, we are happy to pitch in.

Oh, uh, that reminds me.

I have to get a copy of the seating chart for you.

Gaby, you are in charge of the centerpieces.

And don't worry, Susan. I will think of a job for you.

Here's a job. How about talking you out of marrying a homicidal dentist? Susan, we don't know that!

All we have is some crazy woman's accusations.

His wife vanished, and he didn't even tell Bree.

How much more proof do you need?

He says he's innocent. She believes him.

If we say we don't, she'll just end up hating us.

Well, I'm sorry. I cannot sit here on my key lime ass and watch Bree make the worst mistake of her life!


And what mistake would that be?




Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the bride's choices.

These dresses are hideous.

But the groom isn't one of them.


The perfect couple...

We've all met them, haven't we?

That man and woman so clearly made for each other, we feel certain they're on the road to happiness.

But that road has many detours, and even perfect couples can find themselves...

At a dead end.

You want what?!

You heard me.

And I want the bedroom stereo. I want the marble console and that painting of St. augustine.

You don't even know who he is.

I know he matches the drapes. People, can we focus here?

And I want my Pearl necklace back.

Don't think I didn't notice that you swiped it. That was my mamá's and hers before her.

I think it belongs inmyfamily. There was a time that you thought I belonged in your family, and you got over that.

Stop eating my fries! I'm hungry.

You know what the doctor said.

You should see his cholesterol. This man bleeds baking grease. Enough!

You two are gonna have to find a way to deal with each other, because you are about to bring a child into this world.

And divorced or not, once that child arrives, you will be bound together for as long as you live.

Well, in that case...

Have some more fries.

I'll pick Kayla up on sunday.

Whenever. Just go. You and turk have a great time.

Oh, trust me, we will.

The man is a jackhammer. Ah.

Bye, Tom. Bye.

See you sunday!

Where isshegoin'?

She and turk are going down to the river for the weekend.

That's turk? That's the new boyfriend?

Unh-unh, no. Hey, hey, hey, Tom, please.

I don't want my daughter hanging around with a guy like that.

You haven't even met him.

He could be the sweetest man in the world.

Ha ha! Ooh.

More importantly, ever since he entered the picture, squeaky fromme is never around.

It has been bliss.

I haven't made this face... In a week.

If you ruin this, so help me, I will hurt you.

Just look at him. Look at him, please.

I swear, that is a child's skull hanging from his rearview mirror.

Doesn't that concern you?

No, I'm good.

Could be a monkey.

Uh, I think I will have the...

Mesclun salad.

That's it? That's all you're having?

Well, all the food is very expensive.

You don't need to whisper.

The waiter knows they're robbing us blind.

You can have whatever you want.

In that case, I'll have the lobster bisque and the veal with the black truffles.

Is that okay? Yeah, that's fine.

I'll just have Jane moved to the v.A. Hospital. Oh, my god.

I'm kidding. It's fine.

I'll have what she's having.

Of course. Thank you.

God, I love seeing you laugh.

Oh, well, it's been a long time since I've been in the mood to. Thank you.

Oh, dear god!

Did I squeeze too hard?

No, it's my wife's parents.

Oh! Oh, wow!

Oh, is this gonna be awkward?

No, no, no, not unless, of course, they see us.

Ian? Awkward.

Jeff, Renee, what a delightful surprise.

It's so good to see you, dear.

Hello. I'm Renee, and this my husband Jeff. Susan Mayer.

Uh, doctor...

Dr. Susan Mayer... she's new to Jane's neurology team.


I just assumed you worked in Ian's publishing house.

Well, yes, and how... how nice that would've been, huh?

Um, but, no, no, I'm a...

A brain specialist.

Well, Dr. Mayer, maybe I can ask you, our daughter's most recent e.E.G. Showed brain spikes, but it didn't change the score on the Glasgow scale.

Why is that?

What an excellent question.

And this is the, uh...

Spinal cord. Uh-huh.

And it, of course, attaches to the brain.

You don't have to dumb it down for us, doctor.

We've been dealing with Jane's condition for years.

Oh, good. Um, well, then let's... let's get technical.

Uh, let's give Dr. Mayer the night off.

She was in surgery for ten hours today performing a craniotomy.

That's exactly the procedure Jane had. How'd it go?

Uh, well, it just...


I hear my... my phone vibrating.

Um, hello, uh, Dr. Mayer.

Yeah, what?

You say that his brain shut off?

Oh, well, I'll be right there.

Um, stat. I'm sorry. Duty calls.


I moved the furniture back!

Good lord, Bree, not again.

Don't you want our first dance to be perfect?

There'll be 200 people staring at us.

You know, Bree...

Since that incident at our engagement party, there's been a lot of dark talk about me.

Well, I don't pay attention to gossip.

I'm just saying I would understand if you had second thoughts about marrying a man who's under a cloud.

Well, no one who knows you could seriously believe that you could hurt a woman.

Strangers may talk, but I know the truth.


Men have lied to me before.

Believe me, that'll never happen again.

So you trust me completely?

Clearly, I do.

The body is unusually well-preserved because it was buried in Clay.

Do we have a cause of death?

Blunt force trauma to the head.

I want you to pull all the missing persons reports, cross-check against her height, age and weight.

I'm also running a d.N.A. Panel since we won't be able to use her dental records.

Why not?

Whoever killed her pulled out all her teeth.

Nora? What are you doing back? Are you okay?

Shut the door!


I don't want Kayla to find me like this.

What's wrong?

Turk and I had a fight.

What? No! No, no, no! What happened?

What happened is, turk is an ass!

On the way to the river, we stopped off at this bar.

And we were playing pool, and I got a little bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares, right?

I mean, who cares? It's a bar, and we all do it, right? R-Right.

So he tells me to watch my mouth.

And I'm like, whoa!

Get a load of Mr. Two strikes trying to tell me how to act in public.

And then he called me a whore.

We're done.

Okay, whoa! Whoa! Take a deep breath.

You don't break up with a guy because in a weak moment he calls you a whore.

And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me.

Okay, but he didn't. He didn't. And, you know, until...

Oh, jeez, Lynette, whose side are you on?!

I'm on the side of love.

You guys seem like such a perfect couple.

I know.

I just... i-i...

You know, you don't wanna throw that all away

'cause of alittlefight with no hitting.

No. It's over.

I just got off the phone with turk's parole officer, and I was like, "guess who ain't in Nevada no more?" Click.

I think I'm gonna have to stay here tonight.



Hey, aunt Edie.


Mom just got back from her cruise to Jamaica with new boobs and a 24-year-old cabin boy. Ooh.

Needless to say, me and Mr. "can I get you some more hot towels?"...

We didn't exactly hit it off.

So after I broke his nose, I, uh, figured it was a great time to come visit my favorite aunt.

Your mom always did have lousy taste in men.

So, uh, I figured I'd crash here for the night.

Then hitch down to Mexico...

Hang out, party.

Yeah, I'm thinking, like, no way in hell.

You're gonna stay here with me until things blow over with your mom, okay?

Cool. Thanks.

Oh, wait, you're 18, right?

Well, that's what my I.D. Says.

Yeah, mine, too.

Hey, you are supposed to be on bed rest!

I'm bored. Well, why don't you try putting on a pair of pants?

That should kill a couple of hours.

Hey, babe.

Hey, what is she doing out of bed?

That can't be good for her.

Or the stairs.

What do you want?

The mediator was right.

A month from now we're not just gonna be Carlos and Gaby.

We're gonna be mom and dad, and I don't wanna be at war with the mother of my child, so, here.

Your mamá's pearls?


Thank you.


And what?

Wouldn't you like to make some reciprocal gesture?

Fine. You can come to Bree's wedding reception as my guest.

Thanks. Where is it?

Here. Here?

You're throwing the... reception?

Yeah, it's our wedding present to Bree.

So I give you a priceless family heirloom, and in return, you invite me to a party at my house that I'm paying for?

Well, what kind of gesture did you have in mind?


Things I'll do for jewelry.

Susan, I amsosorry.


Panic. Pure panic.

Here. These are for ruining our first date.

Shh! Not in front of Mike!

Oh, look, Mike, Ian brought you flowers.

I'll just go put them in some water.

Look, I-I was just trying to protect Jane's parents.

Oh, please. They still haven't accepted the fact that... that Jane isn't going to wake up.

If they knew that we were on a date, that I was trying to move on, well, it would devastate them.

That's a really lovely excuse, but it isn't the whole story, is it? Excuse me?

A part of you feels that you're cheating on her. No!

Well, perhaps a small part, but that... that doesn't mean...

It's all right, 'cause I feel guilty, too.

That... that's why we should just stop this right now, because it's all way too complicated, and I-I think we'd both be happier if we just went back to being friends.

Well, I-I don't think I can do that.

The... the truth is, I haven't thought of you as just a friend for some time now.

Maybe I shouldn't have let myself feel that way, but... but I have.

And I can't go back. I'm sorry.

Well, if we can't be friends...

Then I guess we'll be nothing.

Hey, leave that alone.

Sorry, I was just...

Turning it down.

What, you're not a music fan?

Sure, it's just, um...

Got anything where a pimp isn't beating his ho?

I'm Austin, Edie britt's nephew.


I'm Julie, Susan Mayer's daughter.


Anyway, um, I was trying to do my homework, so...

On a Saturday?

Well, make sure and take regular breaks and stop for a sensible dinner.

Just keep it down. You had it really loud.

That's how I like it.

How do you like it?

You know what?

You're not that hot.

Hey, whatcha doing?

Oh, I'm working on a seating chart... mwah!

For Bree's wedding.

Nora? Who invited her?

I did. We need to find her another boyfriend, and weddings are crawling with single men.

Hey, I hope you're not seating her next to any ofmyfriends. Hey, sacrifices must be made, Tom.

No, Jerry rawlings! Not Jerry rawlings!

Yes! She gets her psycho hooks into Jerry rawlings, he will never speak to me again.

Oh, there are other urologists in the world.

Go back to that other guy. The one with the cold hands?

Oh, it's once a year. Suck it up. Get a grip, Lynette.

"Get a grip"?!

I am hanging on for dear life here.

Youare the one that brought thislittle problem into our family, and the only thing I should be hearing from you is, "how can I help?"

I am also putting Steve hanson at her table, so you might want to start shopping around for a new golf buddy.

Get a grip.

Hi. My name is Susan Mayer.

Your neighbor told me I could find you here.

Yeah? Well, I was at my friend Bree's engagement party the other night...

You know, when you came in and you did that whole.

"Orson killed his wife" thing?

I was just wondering if you could elaborate.

He killed her. What else do you need to know?

Well, what makes you so sure?

Do you have any proof?

Look, I can't talk now. I get off at 6:00.

My friend is marrying that man in two hours. Please?

Okay, I-I need, um, $10 in unrolled pennies, and I need to see you count it, 'cause last time you stiffed me.

After Alma disappeared, the police came and searched the house.

The police? What did they find?


And that's bad why?

Don't you get it? When the police showed up, Orson had scrubbed every inch of the place clean with bleach.

No fingerprints, no skin cells, no d.N.A.

It was like Alma had never existed.

Who cleans a house like that unless he has something to hide?

So when I left the bank, I called the detective that worked the case, and he said that the only reason Orson was never charged was because they never found a body.

So he was an actual suspect?

He was theonlysuspect. Oh, my god! What are we gonna do?

Well, you know what we have to do.

That was close.

The florist put three mums in my bridal bouquet, but not to worry.

Crisis averted.

Bree... we have to talk.

Ah, reverend.

Any word from the bridal party?

They're still in the bride's room.

You know women.

They're probably in there fussing about mascara and blush.

He did not hack her up and dissolve the pieces in acid!

I said it was a theory. The point is, Alma disappeared under very suspicious circumstances.

I don't have time for this. I'm getting married now.

This is your day. You can push the ceremony back an hour.

Now get that detective on the phone, talk things out with Orson.

I can't talk to Orson. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.

You know what's really bad luck? Marrying a wife-killer.

If the three of you don't drop this right now, I will never forgive you.

Bree, we are just doing this because we love you.


If you can honestly tell us that you don't have the slightest doubt...

None whatsoever.


Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the sight of god to join this man and woman in holy... excuse me?

Could you give us just a second?

Is something wrong? I just need a moment.

Before we do this, there's something I need to ask you. What?

Did you kill your wife?

Susan talked to that Carolyn woman.

Why didn't you tell me that the police searched your house?

Because it's embarrassing, and they didn't find anything.

Is that because you scrubbed the house so thoroughly?

When I'm upset, I clean.

For god's sake, Bree, I swear to you I did not kill my wife.



Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the sight of god to join this man and woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate...

Hey! Look at you, miss popular!

So are you having a good time over there?

As if, and I don't know what idiot stuck me at that table, but every guy over there is just a boring stiff.

All of them?

What about... Jerry? Jerry's fun.

You mean Mr. Fatty hair plugs? Oh, yeah, he's a blast.

Um, how about Steve?

You know what? I hear his family has money.

Well, then maybe they could all chip in and buy him some deodorant.

I'm through with those losers.

I'm gonna stay right here with you.

Are you gonna eat that?

Hey, look at you!

God, I hate wearing a tux.

On my way in, Bree's aunt fern asked me to park the car.

She's got glaucoma.

To her, you're nothing but a hispanic blur.

Let me fix your tie.

Hey, you're wearing mamá's pearls.



Hey, Julie!

Have you met my nephew Austin?

Yeah, we've met.

I just didn't recognize him with his shirt on.

She couldn't take her eyes off my abs.

I felt violated.

Hi, Edie. Nice party, huh?

It was.


Well, it's nice to see you two getting along again.

We've sort of turned a corner. Really?

Does that mean you're gonna be getting back together?

Maybe. God, no!

Wow, is that shrimp?

What would make you think I would even consider taking you back?

Well, you invited me to be your date.

"Guest," Carlos. I said "guest." Come on, you've been flirting with me since I came in...

"here, baby, let me fix your tie."

I mean, for a woman who's not interested, you sure are sending some mixed signals.

You want a clear signal? How's this?

Ian! Susan!

What are you doing here?

Well, my... my cousin is... is Dr. Hodges' dental hygienist, and her husband... He... he couldn't join us since he'd come down with a spot of impetigo, so she called me, knowing how much I love a good garter toss, and so...


Yes, i-I'm such a terrible liar.

I mean, impetigo... Where did that come from?


So what are you really doing here?


I can't stop thinking about us, about how great we could be together, and I think you're making a mistake.

Ian... Susan, please don't go.

Can't we at least talk about this?

I can't, 'cause I have... Bridesmaid stuff.

Hi there.

I just wanted to say you're doing a great job...


That's, um, that's such a masculine name.

My boyfriend seems to like it.

Okay, here's the drill.

My ex is here, and I wanna piss him off, so just act like you're all hot for me, and there's a 100 buck tip in it for you. Right.

Uh, so should I... Cup your boob? No, I'll drive.


Tequila, straight.

Hey, are there any decent single women at this wedding?

Not that I've seen.

Ah, damn it. Not a one.

Hey, Carlos.

You should come over to our table.

That's where all the hotties are.

Hey, everyone!

I'd say it is time that we get Bree and Orson up here for their first dance as a married couple.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Orson hodge!

Orson, you look so serious.

I'm trying to remember my steps.

You're upset, aren't you?

You're still thinking about what I said at the church.

Which part, darling...

The "I do" part, or the "did you kill your wife?" Part?

I'm sorry, but I had to ask.

That's my point.

You had to ask.

You are gonna rot in hell for this.

Hey, I just brought two lost souls together.

Okay, how about this? He cheated on my friend.

He deserves every bit of... Crazy she's gonna rain down on him.

Hell... rot... you.

What are they doing?

Rounding second and heading for third.



Oh, hey, Gaby. Look, I made a new friend.

Yes, I've been watching you make your new friend, and it's disgusting! Do you mind? We're trying to dance here.

Who the hell are you, anyway, and why the hell are you at this wedding?!

This is not gonna end well.

They're just two random people who met at a wedding.

Can't pin it on me.

It washer!

Lynette Scavo, I wanna talk to you!

I'll see you at home.

What are you thinking?

I didn't invite you here to embarrass me in front of my friends.

Oh, no, you just wanted me to watch while you sucked the zits off some teenage waiter!

That's it. I take my invitation back.

You are no longer welcome in my house.

Fine, I'll go! Just give me back the pearls.

No! Gaby.

Carlos, no! They were my mamá's!


Now look what you've done!

Mrs. Solis!

No, Carlos! Hey, give me that!

Give me those! Pardon me. Excuse me.

Get away! Those are mine! No, the hell they are!

Mrs. Solis?

Not now, xiao-Mei! Mrs. Solis!

Oh, for god sakes, what?!

Are you kidding?

I think maybe it's time.

And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.


That was beautiful, aunt fern. Thank you.

Hey, they mopped up all the amniotic fluid, so we should feel safe to start the conga line!

Actually, I'd... I'd like to say a few words.

Bree, Orson, your love is an inspiration to us all.

That's very sweet. Hmm.

How do you know him?

I thought he was on your side. Mnh-mnh.

Well, I know this is a second wedding for both of you, and I think you're jolly brave.

So often, people find excuses not to fall in love again.

They're... they're afraid.

But it's rare to find somebody that you connect with, so when you do, you have to follow your heart.

Bree, Orson, I salute you.

All right, let's get the music cranking and the...

Wait, actually, Tom, could you just hang on a second?

Uh, I-I also would like to say a few words.

To Bree and Orson, uh, yes, what could be better than a second love?

And this time you enter into it a little older, little wiser, but also...

And this is key... uh...

With a bit of caution.


While love can be spontaneous and wonderful, it can also be selfish.

And sometimes the best thing you can do is just to walk away.

Uh... I... not you two.

I mean, you two crazy kids are great.

Congrats, yeah.

Well, then, let's...

Hang on. I'd like to respond to that toast.

Bree, Orson, sometimes walking away canseem the best choice.

It's... it's certainly the safest.

But... but what do you do when you find someone who makes you feel joy when you thought you never would again?

Do you... Do you just let them go?


No, I can't do that.

You... you wanna...


I'm good.

All right then, let's dance!


Well, I thought you might need a change of clothes.

You're still mad at me, huh?

What were you thinking, setting Carlos up with skank?!

I'm sorry. I was desperate.

I had a little too much to drink.

And you aredivorcing Carlos...

No, Lynette, Carlos will never be fair game.

You know the rules.

You're right. You are right. You're right.

I'm so sorry.

It's just...


I'm so unhappy.

Ever since that woman pushed her way into our lives, I-I can't even work up a smile.

And the more she pushes, the more I resent Tom...

Tom, for something he did 12 years ago.

And I'm afraid if I can't fix...

This, that...

The anger is just gonna fester until...

Lynette, listen to me...

You and Tom will survive this.

No, seriously, Gaby, I amsotired of pretending to smile.

You and Tom...

Will survive this.


How can you be so sure?

Because some marriages were built to last...

And some aren't.

Trust me, I know the difference.

I'm looking for Bree Van De Kamp.

Right over there.

Could you excuse me for just a minute?


Orson, congratulations.

Excuse me. Are you Mrs. Van De Kamp?

It's hodge now.

Yes, I'm terribly sorry to barge in like this, but we need your husband to come down to the morgue.

We may have found his wife's body.

Push, xiao-Mei. Push.

Okay, okay.

Deep breaths now. You're getting close.

It's time! I can't believe this is happening!

I think I'm gonna cry.

Carlos, I am so sorry about the...

Yeah, I... me, too. Me, too. I was way out of line.

I forgive you. It's worth it when you experience a moment as beautiful as this.

Okay, I can see the head now.

Oh, get the camera! Get the camera!


Oh, my god!

Oh, man, I gotta get the color fixed on this thing.

How could this have happened?

What kind of half-ass fertility clinic are you running?

Uh, prior to implantation, our embryo was accidentally switched with another client's.

So if we got theirs and they got ours, then... then it's possible...

No, I'm afraid your embryo didn't take.

Again, on behalf of the clinic, I am so sorry.

It's rare, but these things do happen. Excuse me.

You screw up our lives, and the best you can do is, "that's the way the cookie crumbles"?!

And who is this guy?

Why is he writing down everything I say? This is Mr. Darby, our attorney.

We thought it wise to have him present.

Do you know what else would've been wise?

Sticking the right baby in the right belly!

Mrs. Solis, please.

That's not Alma.

Are you sure?


Thank god.

Carolyn. What is she doing here?

You didn't honestly think they'd take your word for it, did you?

It's not her.

Well, that's it then. Sorry for wasting your time.

This means nothing.

I'm telling you, that man is as guilty as sin!

We know what you think.

Now would you please leave us alone?

He's a cold-blooded killer.

He's kind and decent, and nothing you could say will ever make me doubt him again.

Now please go.

You deserve him.

I hope to.

Darling, I am so sorry you had to endure that.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. Let's just go back to our guests and forget any of this ever happened. All right.

Tu me manques, monique.



I feel so...

Me, too.

Well, you know what the good news is.

What's that?

Now that there's no baby, it'll make the divorce a lot simpler.

Yeah, that's something.


I'll see you at the mediator's.

See you then.

Have you met the perfect couple...

The two soul mates whose love never dies?

The two lovers whose relationship is never threatened?

The husband and wife who trust each other completely?

If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you.

They stand atop a layer of buttercream frosting.

The secret of their success?

Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other.