Desperate Housewives S3E21 Script

Into the Woods (2007)

Previously on...

Lynette made excuses...

The restaurant did close a half-hour ago.

We're doing inventory.

Carlos made a friend...

Nothing better than family.

And Edie made a pass.

Victor popped the question.

Will you marry me?

Susan let Mike down.

I love you. But you love him a little bit more.

And Ian...

Good-bye, Susan.

Let Susan go.

It can happen to anyone...

An old woman hears suspicious footsteps as she walks down the street...

A businessman sees a reflection in his car window...

Uhh!

A shop owner feels a blade...

Pressed against his back...

And in that instant...

An ordinary person...

Is transformed into a victim.

And a world that seemed so safe is suddenly...

Filled with danger.

So this little ear-shaped pasta is called...

Orecchiette.

And the cubes of bacon are pancetta.

Mmm. Thank god for Italian.

You can charge way more for "orecchiette with pancetta" than you'd ever get for "bacon and little ears."

Mmm. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

This is nice.

It doesn't need more garlic?

No, I mean...

Everything... The food, the wine...

You.

I swear, there are times this is all that gets me through my day, knowing at the end of it, I get to steal this little half-hour where I'm not a mom or a wife or a... pizza slave.

I'm just a...

Tired lady with a nice man who cooks for her.

Well, it's the highlight of my day, too.

Sorry, guys, we're closed.

Yeah, we know.

Put your cell phones on the table.

Oh, crap.

Get in there. Don't make any noise.

Oh... my... god!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, my god!

They locked us in here!

It's 42 degrees! We're gonna freeze to death!

Listen, don't panic. I'm sure when you don't come home, Tom will come looking for you. No, he won't.

He takes a pain pill at 10:00. He's probably already asleep.

Jeez.

How are we gonna make it through the night in here?

Yes, in the moment it takes to bolt a freezer door, ordinary people can become victims.

That better?

And a world that seemed so safe...

Yeah.

That helps.

Is suddenly filled with danger.

At the exact same moment his wife was being locked in a freezer, Tom Scavo was having a nightmare about monsters trying to destroy his home.

But it wasn't until he woke up the next morning that his real nightmare began.

You awake?

Yeah.

Did you sleep at all?

A little.

Thanks for not letting me freeze last night.

Are you kidding me?

You're the one that keptmewarm.

You don't have a fever, do you?

No.

That's just me.

Tom's always kicking the covers off the bed.

Oh.

He calls me his little blonde furnace.

He's a lucky guy.

Lynette?!

Tom!

In here!

Oh!

Thank god.

We were robbed!

I don't care about that. Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm fine.

Were you hurt? No, no, I'm just cold.

I was so worried about you.

If you knew the places that my mind has been...

I'm sorry. I would've called, but they took our cell phones before they locked us in there.

"Us"?

Hey.

Hey.

I can't believe one dress could cost so much.

Well, I wanna look fabulous tonight when Victor's elected mayor. Yeah, but isn't it bad luck to buy a dress for the victory party beforethe election? Vern, focus. It's never bad luck when I look fabulous.

Oh! Hi. Don't worry. I'm here now.

Yeah, but your meter just expired.

Might want to put another quarter in. Oh, no, no.

I'm just gonna say bye to my friend, then I'm gone. You know, this whole thing iscrazy.

I go on one gay cruise and come home to find you engaged to some rich politician.

Oh, vern, I can't wait for you to meet him.

He's everything I've ever wanted in a man... sensitive and kind...

And buys you $3,000 dresses. Buys me $3,000 dresses.

And he's totally fine with you being a high-maintenance nightmare? Oh, my god. That's the best part. He lets me be me.

Aw. All right, I gotta get going.

See you later.

What are you doing?

I told you I was leaving. Stop writing!

Yeah, but you weren't leaving. You were flapping your gums.

Oh, give me a break.

I was standing right there. You could've said something.

I told you to put a quarter in... spoiled bitch.

You can't talk to me like that!

$40? You think I'm gonna pay that?

No, uh, I'm guessing it'd be the sap that bought you the $3,000 dress.

Hey, Carlos! Wait.

Hi.

Look, there's some crazy rumor going around that Mike moved.

It's true.

He went on a little trip, and then he's heading back east.

Oh, my god. What... where is he now?

Um...

Okay, look, I know that I've put Mike through the wringer, but that's why I have to talk to him... to make it right.

He's not answering his cell phone. He turned it off.

He said he wanted to clear his head. Okay, Carlos...

Tell me where to find him.

I'm sorry, Susan.

Look, you know what they say... Bros before hos.

They... say it. I... don't.

Come on.

Just for my peace of mind, I have to know he's okay.

I don't know...

What am I gonna do, go hunt him down?!

I have a daughter. I have responsibilities.

Okay.

He hiked to the hot Springs at pinewood valley state forest.

Okay, Julie, I'm out of here. Here's 40 bucks on the counter.

Are you sure this is a good idea? Yes. If I don't find Mike before he's off that mountain, I may never see him again.

Okay, what you're doing is nauseatingly romantic, but how do you know he even wants to see you?

I mean, after the whole "I choose Ian" thing? That's why I have to go.

I have to make amends and heal his broken heart.

Oh, well, what if his devastation has turned to anger, and he's burning pictures of you in his campfire?

Well, what else can I do? I love him. I have to go.

Then go.

Strike three! You're outta there!

Again? How are you beating me?

You got someone in there greasing the ball for you?

Huh? Huh? Hey, come on, Travers. You can take him.

Go for the soft underbelly! Soft?! What are you talking about?

Get him! I'm all muscle. Travers, feel that bicep.

Mom's is harder.

Oh, well, thank you, sweetheart.

Fine. I can take a hint. I need a little exercise.

So how about we go to the batting cages and hit a few?

Cool. Hmm?

Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're supposed to go to the movies.

How about batting cages on Saturday? Sounds great.

Yeah, we'll get to find out who hits the ball harder...

You or mom. You are so going down.

Come here.

Hey, who the hell is that?

Hello, Edie.

Oh.

Uh, Travers?

It's your dad.

Kenya was amazing, and, uh, being a part of doctors without borders was so rewarding.

But I can't do it again, not with the time commitment.

I'm gonna have to wait till this little guy is in college.

So... when are you taking Travers home?

Uh, not till tomorrow.

I'm, uh, speaking at a conference in hilldale this afternoon.

And if you're hungry, I'm buying you breakfast.

That'd be great. All right!

I'll help you get dressed.

You know, um...

If you wanna take a couple days and chill, Edie and I would be more than happy to keep looking after Travers.

Oh, thanks, but, uh, we should probably get back home.

Right.

The thing is... is... We kind of made plans to take him to the batting cage on Saturday.

Oh. Sorry.

Uh, well, maybe you can take him the next time he visits.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, when do you think that'll be?

I don't know. Um...

I'll have to check my schedule.

I don't mean to sound pushy.

It's just, uh... You know, the three of us, we've just... we've been having a lot of fun together.

Well... Look at the bright side...

You'll have a lot more time alone with Edie.

Yeah...

That is good.

Here you go, officer.

I cued it up to the, uh, clearest shot of the guy.

Thank god you made me spring for that surveillance camera.

I wanted to spend the money on a pinball machine.

Son of a bitch. I think these are the same guys that hit a couple of diners out on mount Vernon.

You mind if I rewind? No.

I wanna see the exact time they came in.

Oop. Whoops. Huh, overshot it a little.

I was doing receipts, and Rick surprised me with this great idea for the menu.

It's called... What are they called?

Uh, orecchiette. Yeah.

It means "little..." I know what it means.

And he makes them with pancetta and garlic and olive oil.

It's really, really good.

It's gonna be our special tonight.

So the door was unlocked? Mm-hmm.

You need to be more careful.

The two of you are just asking for trouble.

Yeah, I guess we were.

Quiet! Quiet! They're about to announce!

And the race in valley Ridge is too close to call.

However, we're now projecting a winner in Fairview.

It's Victor lang by 10%...

Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

Speech!

Thank you.

Whoo! Speech!

Thank you, all. I couldn't have done it without any of you.

I would especially like to thank my beautiful fiancée Gabrielle.

And I will, as soon as the feeling returns to my lower back.

Sir, mayor's on the phone.

Sounds like he wants to concede.

Whoo!

Gabrielle, congratulations.

Thank you. Your husband runs a hell of a campaign.

We're so excited for Victor. What a day, huh?

Well, it is ending a lot better than it started.

Oh? What happened? Oh, this morning, I got in a fight with a parking cop over a ticket, and the guy was a total jerk. Well, your days of dealing with that crap are over.

What do you mean?

Mayor Johnson's wife, Sydney...

She's been collecting parking tickets like bubble gum cards for years...

Just gives them to her husband. They disappear.

Keep talking.

Honey, you are no longer one of the little people.

Forget jury duty, speeding tickets.

You rule this town now.

Well, he conceded. I'm the mayor.

You ready to be the mayor's wife?

Hmm! Am I ever.

Knock, knock.

Hey.

Where's Travers?

His dad's helping him pack.

God, I'm gonna miss that little guy.

It's been so much fun.

Yeah, it was.

Aw.

You're gonna miss him, too, aren't you?

I know what would cheer us up.

Hmm?

A weekend getaway, just the two of us.

How's that sound? Actually, I'm busy this weekend.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Hmm. I thought we had plans to go to the batting cage.

Well, yeah, but that was gonna take a couple of hours, and I'm swamped with work. Since when?

You spent every day hanging out with me and Travers.

Exactly. I've been putting off my work so I could be there to help you with him, and now it's time for me to buckle down.

So... what does that mean for you and me?

We're still gonna see each other.

I was thinking... Uh, for your birthday, that we could go to that new oyster bar.

My birthday is two weeks from now.

Yeah. It'll be my treat.

Great.

Looking forward to it...

For the next 14 days.

Hey, uh, don't let Travers leave without saying good-bye to me.

Oh, wouldn't dream of it.

I know how much he means to you.

Hi there.

Uh, can I get a map to the hot Springs?

I'm gonna hike up there.

No problem. You got gear? Yep.

That's not gear. Why not?

It's tiny, ma'am... And pink.

Well, it's my daughter's.

Uh, the whole junior class has them. Does the junior class have compasses, too?

Trail shoes? Tents? Why would I need a tent?

It's a 2-day hike to reach the Springs.

Two days? Oh.

Well, can't I just drive part of the way and then hike from there?

That's not really how nature works, ma'am.

There are trails, not roads.

Well, maybe I am a little unprepared, but it'll be fine.

I work out. I have quads of steel.

I'm sorry. I just can't let you go up there... "can't"? There's no "can't" in love.

There's a man on that mountain that I intend to spend the rest of my life with, and nothing is gonna keep me from him...

Not fate, not destiny and definitely not you.

To finish my thought, ma'am...

I can't let you go up there alone.

You'll need a guide.

Oh. Cool.

How do I get one of those?

Toni, I got a hiker for ya!

This is Toni, andthoseare quads of steel.

Thanks for suggesting we do this.

I've always wanted to try this place.

Well, you've been working for me for over a month, and I figured it was time we got acquainted. Hmm.

So much I don't know about you.

Well, I'll be happy to fill in the blanks.

What would you like to know?

Well, for starters...

Are you sleeping with my wife?

What?

No, Tom. Of course not.

Okay, so you're just hoping to sleep with her.

Look, if this is about the video, I swear, I was just trying out a new recipe.

Don't give me the recipe line. I am not an idiot.

The truth is that Lynette and I have been going through sort of a rough patch.

Yeah, she... She told me about that.

And then you came along, and wham, it's the perfect storm.

You're young, good-looking, sensitive...

Way more fun than five screaming kids and a cranky, invalid husband.

Tom, seriously, nothing has happened.

And nothing is going to, because you are gonna quit.

Quit? No. No, no. No, I'm not gonna do that.

You want me gone, fire me.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Have Lynette fight for you, while I'm the jealous jerk who can't trust his wife.

No. You have to quit.

I'm staying as long as Lynette wants me there.

And make no mistake...

She wants me there.

Oh, buddy...

You're not thinking this thing through, because Lynette willneverleave her family.

So the best... And I mean, the very best...

That you can hope for is to catch her in a weak moment and leave a wound in her marriage that will take years to heal, but... itwillheal, because I will stand by her and I will love her just as hard as she hates herself for what she did.

You still feel like sticking around?

Can I get you some more bread?

No, I think I've had just about enough.

I mean, the doctor said that Mike might never come out of the coma.

And then when he did, he didn't even remember me.

Di you need to rest a second? You sound winded. No, no. I'm invigorated.

This fresh mountain air is... aah! Oh!

Uh... ha! Little help.

Uh... um...

So anyway, the whole situation with Mike... It just seemed hopeless, and that's when I decided to take a chance with Ian.

Ian is the British guy whose heart you crushed?

Yeah.

What was I supposed to do, wait forever for Mike?

No, seriously, I was asking. What would you have done?

I would have waited for him.

Well, clearly, you were not paying attention, because ididgo back to Mike the second he woke up, and he'd totally forgotten me!

But none of that matters anymore 'cause...

Bug.

You know, the bugs can't get in if you keep your mouth shut.

Travers...

I have someone who wants to meet you.

A puppy!

Yeah. You wanna hold him?

He's awesome. Are you gonna keep him?

No, he's not mine. He's yours.

No way! Well, way!

I just rescued him from the pound.

So... What you gonna call him?

Um... Fenway.

After Fenway park.

That issocute!

Everybody back home is gonna be so jealous.

But, mom...

I can't take him home.

Dad's allergic.

That's right.

Shoot.

Oh, I'm gonna have to take poor little Fenway back to the pound.

No!

Why can't I keep him here?

Well, you don't visit here very often, and... and I can't take care of a dog all by myself.

Well, I don't know what else to do.

Why can't I just visit you more?

Hey, that's a thought, and Carlos would love it, too.

Of course, I don't know how your father would feel about joint custody.

I'll talk to him. I'll tell him I want it. Really?

Well, that would be great.

But you better make sure that he knows that it was allyour idea, okay?

We're about three hours from the hot Springs.

So if we get an early start tomorrow, we should be there by lunch.

What are you doing? Oh, it's a face mask.

It's lavender and honey. You want some?

Honey, huh?

So you're in the middle of the woods, getting ready to smear your face with bear food?

Well, I wanted to look nice for Mike.

Lord knows I don't want to hear you talk about this anymore, but what exactly do you think is gonna happen with you and this guy?

Well...

I'm going to apologize and...

Then I'm gonna tell him that I made a huge mistake...

No, no, no, no. After that.

Say he accepts your apology.

You get back together, and then what happens?

You know, after the novelty wears off?

Well, then...

We'll just be happy.

Okay, I know it's dark, but I can see you.

Look, after hearing your whole history with Mike, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what the problem is.

What is it? You.

You don't want to be happy. You're a drama junkie.

When there is no drama, you create it.

You sleep with your ex-husband, you cheat on a coma victim, and now you're hiking up a mountain after a guy who has no idea you're coming.

Who knows?

Maybe this guy willtake you back.

But once the dust settles, you'll kick up some more because you don't know how to just... Be... happy.

You don't even know me.

How dare you talk to me like that?

Ooh, so dramatic.

I'm gonna turn in now.

All right, sunshine, let's get moving.


What are you looking at?

My city. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time.

Everything looks different now that I'm first lady of Fairview.

Oh, my god.

You did not just call yourself "first lady of Fairview."

Well, well, well.

Who do we have here?

Oh, wouldn't you just love to rub his nose in your newfound power? Vern, you're justawful.

And as it happens, so am I.

Gaby, come on, I was just joking.

Hey, lady. It's a hydrant. You can't park there.

Really? 'Cause I just did.

Oh, you again!

Gaby.

Just stand back and enjoy the carnage.

Thank you. Now what you're about to see may astound you.

Ta-da!

You know, I could give you another ticket for littering.

You could try, but you might not want to.

See, I'm engaged to Victor lang. Ring a bell?

The mayor? Your new boss?

I don't follow politics.

Let me know when the carnage begins so I can shield my eyes.

Zip!

Listen, buddy, you're not getting it.

You answer tomenow. I could have you fired.

Youcan't do nothing. I can do whatever I want!

In fact, my first official act of business as mayoress of Fairview is to declare today "free parking day"!

Hey, knock that off. Hey!

Free parking!

Gimme that! Aah!

No! Gimme that!

Ow, you're hurting me! Ugh!

Ow! Oh!

You know what that sound is, fat boy?

The sound of your career circling the bowl.

Yeah, you're gonna find out what happens when you screw with the first lady of Fairview!

Okay, north.

I need north.

Moss grows on the north side of trees.

What?!

Wh... ugh, damn it!

Stupid mossy trees!

Ow! Oh! Ow!

Dad!

Hey, hey, buddy!

How you doing?

Good. Oh.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure. You can ask me anything.

How would you feel about joint custody?

You bought him a puppy?!

No, I boughtmyselfa puppy.

How was I supposed to know that he'd get so attached? Don't lie to me, Edie.

You were trying to manipulate him.

What? Would it be so terrible to have joint custody?

In case you forgot, iam his mother.

Two weeks out of the year, and that's the way youwanted it.

Well, I changed my mind.

Aw, damn it, Edie.

We had an agreement!

It wasn't official!

And there isn't a judge in this world that would keep a mother from her child.

Hey, Travers. What's going on?

Mom and dad are fighting.

You wanna go watch TV at my house?

Okay.

I'll see you there in a sec, buddy.

You haul me into court, and so help me, I will destroy you!

You threaten me again, and I will go for full custody, you... you son of a bitch.

Oh, hi. Hey.

So... what is going on?

Edie has lost her mind. For eight years, she's been happy to see him two weeks a year.

Now out of the blue, she's gotta have joint custody.

Really? Yeah. And how's that supposed to work?

We live four hours away.

What's he gonna do, go to two different schools?

I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, I just don't get it.

Edie's been perfectly happy with our arrangement.

What the hell's gotten into her?

Well, thanks. Good night.

Come again.

There.

Hey... I made you an Espresso.

Great.

You okay?

You've been so quiet all night.

I had lunch with Tom today.

That's funny.

He didn't mention it.

He asked me if I was sleeping with you.

What?

I'm so sorry. Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.

That paranoid idiot. You know, I knew it.

I knew when we were watching the surveillance tapes that he would completely misinterpret it.

Oh, did he?

Did he what?

Uh, did he misinterpret it?

Or did he just see what is obvious that you and I can't admit?

I... ahem... don't know what you're talking about.

There's nothingtoadmit.

Lynette, how long are we gonna kid ourselves?

I have feelings for you.

I know you feel something for me.

Stop! Don't say it! You cannot say these things.

Come on. We both know it's true.

We've been flirting since we met. Yes, flirting! That's it!

It's what married people do, because we know there is a line you don't cross.

And maybe I've gotten close to that line, and maybe I've enjoyed getting close to that line, but I have never once crossed it. Look, I know I don't have much to offer...

And I havenothingto offer! I am taken!

God!

Great, great. Now... now what, you're mad at me?

Yeah, I'm mad! I am mad because I loved our nights together.

It made me feel sexy and happy, and, god, how I needed that.

And now it's over. You ruined it.

You can't work here anymore.

Wait...

You're gonna fire me?

Oh, jeez. What choice do I have?

Lynette. Lynette, please...

Don't touch me!

You have to go now. Please, go.

You have to go now.

Go on. Go.

Her name is Susan Mayer, and she's never hiked before.

Now this is the last place I saw her, but honestly, she could be anywhere.

Just checking back in. The name's Delfino.

Delfino.

Great. You're all set.

Are you sure she's lost? Of course I'm sure.

She's a dippy brunette from the suburbs.

She didn't bring a compass. She brought makeup.

Wait, is she the one looking for the guy at the hot Springs?

Yep, that's her.

Now let's go find her before she falls off a cliff.

The woman is a total klutz. Yeah, I hear you.

All right, we'll split up.

I'll take north of the river here, and you look down in here.

Excuse me.

This klutz...

Could you tell me her name?

Oh.

Hey... Mike.

Um, listen, I know your cell phone's off, but I... I wanted you to know that I followed you up to the hot Springs, and...

Now I'm lost.

You know, in the off chance that I get devoured by a mountain lion, I-I just wanted you to know that, um...

I love you.

I've always loved you.

And I don't want any more drama.

And if you take me back, I promise there won't be.

Unless I get eaten by a mountain lion, and, you know, that'll be dramatic, but it won't be my fault. Anyway, um...

I hope it's not too late, but if it is, I just...

I just want you to know that I am so, so...

Sorry.

Here she is, sir.

No charges, no press.

Never happened.

Hi, honey.

You look handsome in a tux.

Jerome, give us the room, please.

All right, look, I know you're mad, but wait till you hear what that jerk did to me... Gaby, shut up.

Are you familiar with the quote, "from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded"?

Um... doesn't ring a bell.

From the Bible. That explains it.

This is not a joke!

I have been elected mayor.

Certain things are expected of me.

One in particular is that my future wife not assault city employees.

He was mean. He deserved it. I don't care!

Your behavior reflects on me, and I can't do my job if you're constantly humiliating me.

Constantly? Aside from today, give me one example.

Okay, how about jumping into my arms like a 10-year-old at the election party?

I was just joking around, being me.

I thought you liked that.

I do, inprivate. In public, you have to act like a grown-up.

Okay.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

It won't happen again.

I better get dressed.

I don't want to be late to the victory party.

What happened to your wrist?

Oh. That's what I was trying to tell you.

The meter man... he grabbed my arm and twisted it.

What?

My god, he left a bruise.

Mm, it's not as bad as it looks.

Still, he shouldn't have done that.

Mm.

Hey.

Hey!

You're home early.

It was kind of dead tonight.

Hmm. Hi.

Ooh, sorry.

By the way, we are gonna need to find a new chef.

Rick gave notice.

He quit?

Well, he got a better offer from some place across town.

That's too bad.

Well...

Whatcha gonna do?

Well... we don't have to hire someone.

I am coming back.

You sure you're ready?

Yeah. Doctor said I can lose the back brace next week, and I promise I'll take it easy.

No lifting... just cooking.

Well, okay, then.

I feel really good about this, hon.

I have been going nuts just lying around.

This is gonna be so great! We're a team again.

Besides...

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Hey, Edie?

Well, hello, stranger.

Come on in.

So what's up?

Nothing much.

I hear you're going for joint custody of Travers.

Yep. I hired a lawyer, and he is a real shark.

Wow, you're not messing around, huh?

I think it's important that Travers has his mother in his life.

Hmm.

Of course, he'll probably want to spend more time with his video game buddy.

Yeah.

You know, but I just keep thinking, um...

What's all this gonna be like for him...

You know, all the traveling back and forth?

He's a kid. He'll adjust.

Yeah, plus two schools, two sets of friends.

I mean, it's not gonna be easy.

Why are you being so negative?

I thought you'd be excited about this.

I know you did. Um...

I just want you to ask yourself, is this all really in the best interest of Travers?

You know, kids need stability.

What about whatineed?

I know that you miss him...

And I know you're worried about being lonely, but I am going to be here for you.

Yeah, once every two weeks.

No.

I'mreally going to be here for you.

And I'm gonna make you happy.

Don't say that if you don't mean it, Carlos.

I do.

All right, I'll, um...

I'll call off the lawyer.

You know, I reallyamgonna miss him.

Yeah, me, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming the next mayor of Fairview...

Victor lang!


Your name Jeff Scott? Yeah.

You read meters for a living? Uh-huh.

Do you know how much I love you?

Uhh!

I think so.

Anyone can end up a victim...

Injured by the actions of others.

But whether the damage is inflicted by a cunning ex-wife...

Or a blow delivered by the object of our affection...

The time comes when we must pick ourselves up and continue on our journey.

And if we can't, then all we can pray for...

Is rescue.

Mike.

I twisted my ankle.

Good.

'Cause now I get to do this.