Desperate Housewives S3E3 Script

A Weekend in the Country (2006)

Previously on...

Prior to implantation, your embryo was accidentally switched with another client's.

Carlos and Gaby didn't get what they expected...

I'm Austin, Edie britt's nephew.

You're not that hot. Julie met her new neighbor...

God, I love seeing you laugh.

Oh, well, it's been a long time since I've been in the mood to.

Thank you. Persistence paid off for Susan's new friend.

You're gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere?

And Bree began to regret what she had done.

Orson hodge dreamed of the perfect honeymoon.

Indeed, he'd begun planning it the moment Bree Van De Kamp agreed to marry him.

They'd start by flying first class to an exclusive 5-star hotel where they'd spend their days by the pool and their nights making love.

And when they returned home, their perfect honeymoon would continue... forever.

Mrs. Hodge?

Yes, Mr. Hodge?

Do you have any idea how happy we're going to be?

I don't need to be any happier than I am already at this very second.


Oh, my goodness, there's only 15 minutes before our plane.

If you want that latte, you should go now. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Short of heart-wrenching.

The population of homeless teenagers continues to climb.

This is Andrew.

Andrew, what is it like to live on the streets?

It's not so bad.

I mean, you know, sometimes people give you food.

You can find a lot in dumpsters.

Uh, I-I mean, just last night, I found almost a whole bucket of chicken that had hardly been touched.

Andrew told me his heart-wrenching story...

An alcoholic mother, a father murdered by the woman's boyfriend and a childhood shattered the day his mother abandoned him on the side of the road.

I'll tell you one thing.

Some people just should never be allowed to have children.


Darling, I got an extra one just in case you...

Bree, what's the matter?

A reporter just did a story on homeless teens, and my son was one of them. Oh, my god.

Well, we'll call child welfare the minute we get to the resort.

Orson, you can't imagine that we're still going!

Well, darling, the tickets are nonrefundable.

My son is eating out of dumpsters!

Well, yes, but think how much better you'll be able to deal with this crisis after a nice, relaxing... Orson!

My child is in trouble.

Don't make me choose between the two of you, because believe me, you will lose.

Now please, get your ass in gear.

It was at this moment that Orson realized their honeymoon was over...

In more ways than one.


It was a holiday weekend on Wisteria Lane, and everyone was packing their bags, hoping to get away from it all.

No, no, all right, good-bye, good-bye!

No, no! This is so... Unfair. No, no!

What's unfair is that we're slowly running out of money, and you've barely even looked for a job.

You're gonna have a good time, all right?

I love you. Good-bye!

Lynette was getting away from growing tension in her marriage.

You can call it blackmail, Carlos, but the court calls it "spousal support," so unless I get a check by Monday, your shower buddies from jail will be throwing you a "welcome back" party.

Gabrielle was getting away from an increasingly bitter divorce.


I'm ready.

So that's my number, in case there's any change in Mike's condition.

I'm going to the mountains with a friend.

And, uh, just in case you were wondering, it's strictly platonic.

He wasn't wondering.

Susan was getting away from mounting guilt.

So you can't tell me anything about my son's whereabouts?

And then there was Bree, who had just learned there are some problems...

Fine! You can't run away from.

Some reporter.

All she could tell me was what neighborhood they found him in.

They don't have any contact information, no phone number, no address. Well, dear, if he had an address, he wouldn't be homeless.

This really blows.

I am this close to becoming homecoming queen, and now I'm gonna be that creepy girl whose brother's a pathetic street junkie.

You know, you could show a little compassion.

Your brother is out there on the streets, struggling to survive.

And whose fault is that?

Oh, she's right. This is all my fault.

You can't blame yourself.

No parent can stop a child who's determined to run away.

He didn't run away.

I kicked him out.

You what?

I left him on the roadside with some money and his clothes.

I didn't tell you because I was afraid of what you'd think of me.

You did what you had to do.

I just wish you'd said something sooner.

Don't you know there's nothing you can't tell me?


I don't want there to be any secrets between us.

There won't be, not anymore.

You know, Andrew is not the only one having a rough year.

I'm the one whose boyfriend got shot right in front of her.

We'll talk in the car.

Don't you love this?

Oh, god bless Tom for taking the kids camping this weekend.


This is exactly what we needed, especially after everything I've been through lately.

I am all about relaxing and rejuvenating...


Yeah? Could you be all about shutting up?

Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks.

Please don't tell me you brought your cell phone. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just... I'm waiting for Carlos' lawyer to call.

This whole spousal support thing's gotten ugly.


Oh, hi, Tom!

No! No, no, no. No!

Yeah! Yeah, she's right here. Hang on.

Did you say something?


Honey, I know it is your weekend away, but it's my damn back.

I threw it out again.


So I can... I can barely sit up. The kids are running wild.

I... I need you to come up here.

Well, why don't you take a muscle relaxant?

Honey, I've already taken two. They're not making a dent.

Well, why don't you give them to the kids? Ugh, Lynette!

Please don't... Pleasedon't do this to me.

Parker, for the last time, put down the damn ax!

Oh, all right. Yeah, yeah.

I will be there as soon as I can.

God, I hate my life.

I know.

I wouldn't trade with you for anything.

Oh, wow, look at the view.


Don't you just love when the leaves change color?

Well, that's why I suggested this, so... so we could hang out for the weekend and... and enjoy the, um...


Yep, the scenery's great.

So, um...

Maybe I should unpack.

Where should I do that?

Well, there are... There are two bedrooms.

One... one is mine...

And there's a guest room.


A guest room. That... well, that's handy.


Uh, unless, of course, you... you'd like to sleep in my room.

In which case, I would take the guest room.

Oh! I...

Uh, no, no!

I-I should take the guest room because I am the guest.

Yeah, well, it's, uh, it's up the stairs at the end of the hall. Okay.


Susan, I, um...

I think I haveyoursuitcase.

Yeah, and I think I have yours.

So, did you, um, did you happen to see the, um...


And did you notice... Hard to miss.

Well, I'm just going to, um... Hide pathetically in your room?

Uh-huh. Me, too.

Hey, Lynette.

What are you doing here?

Kayla called, and she told me about Tom's back.

And my car got impounded again, so I thought that I'd hitch a ride with you. Hitch?

You mean, like, we're gonna be driving in the car together?

Well, you could strap me to the front bumper, but, uh, yeah, I'd be more comfortable inside.

Uh, it's like an 8-hour drive.


Um, how far is the impound lot?

Because, you know, I could just drive you over there and...

What's your problem, Lynette?

I don't have a problem.

I just don't think we both need to go up there.

I can grab Kayla and bring her back. Oh, I see your plan...

You just wanna go charging up there on your white horse and save everyone, and then I get to be the rotten mother who didn't give a rat's ass and stayed home eating bonbons.


Due to Lynette's sudden departure...

Thank you.

Gabrielle was forced to spend the last night of her spa vacation alone, but she didn't mind.

In fact, she looked forward to a quiet dinner alone with her thoughts.

Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her thoughts quickly turned to her impending divorce and the empty house she'd soon return to, and she began to resent the happy couples she was seeing...


What is this, freakin' Noah's ark?!


I guess it reallyisa small world.

Who's there? I can't see you.

Can you see me now?

How much, baby?

Excuse me, ma'am?

I mean... miss, I'm looking for someone. Uh, his name is Andrew.

Have you seen him?

Hard to say, boo.

I see a lot of lost boys his age.

Good-looking one, though. Someone special?

Yes, very, and I'm worried sick about him.

You might try the soup kitchen at St. Malachi's on third.

Oh, thank you, miss... Gates. Pearly gates...

'cause you can't get to heaven without going through me.

How very saucy.

Great piano. Do you play?

Oh, no, I'm a... I'm a bit rusty.

Jane loved to sing, so I'd play for her, but since the accident...



Brandy, a roaring fire...

What could be more romantic?

Well, I can think of... Of something.

Wow, my heart is pounding.

Uh, is that a bad thing? Consider the alternative.

Your heart is beating even faster than mine.

I guess I'm excited. It has been a while.

Me, too.

So was that, uh, okay?

It was bloody fantastic.

Of course, it's a bit different than what I'm used to.


Well, I-I was with the same woman for a long time.

Oh, yeah.

But, I mean, you kissed other girls before that, right?

Sure, but most of them were 12.

As was I.

I met Jane at a school dance, and after we started dating, well, I... well, I never looked at anyone else.

Are you saying that Jane is the only woman you ever...

Oh, god, isodidn't want to tell you that.

Why not? I think that's adorable.

Well, I don't want to be adorable.

I want to be dashing and worldly and...

Oh, Ian.

It's okay.

Some people have a lot of lovers, and some just a few.

It doesn't matter.

Well, see... seeing as it doesn't matter, where... where do you fall on that spectrum?


You know, how... how many men have you been with?

Ian. Oh, I'm sorry. That... that was rude.

I withdraw the question.

It's not that it's rude. It's just immaterial.

I mean, it's just a number. It doesn't mean anything.

Seeing as it doesn't mean anything... Ian!

Well, you know my number. It's only fair.

Is it... is it more than three?


Please tell me you were answering in German.

Nine lovers is not a lot!

Nine lovers does not make me a slut!

Why are you getting upset? Because it was really 11, and I knocked off two, and you're still judging me. I'm not judging you.

It's just... did you work in the recording industry?

Okay, just so you know, 11 is not a lot for a woman my age. How old are you?

What is this, the gallup poll?!

Where... where you going? To bed, alone.

You know, it's something that I've always wanted to try, but I've just never gotten around to.

So they liked the landscaping I did here so much that they hired my company to do the whole sinclair hotel chain.

Your company? You have a company now?

Oh, my gosh, when I met you, all you had was a bike.

Well, not only that, the, uh, gardening channel's approached me about hosting my own show.

I mean, we're still in the talking stages, but...


Nothing. I just...

I can't get over how mature and confident you are.

You've really changed.

Thanks. I was hoping you'd notice.

So I guess, uh, there's no chance of getting you over to the house to pick the dead leaves off my ficus.

Yeah, you know, I'm... I'm kind of past that.

Besides, I don't think Mr. Solis would approve.

Actually, we're getting a divorce.


Um, I'm... I'm really sorry to hear that.

Really? Then why are you smiling?

I don't know. Why are you?


It's really great to see you.


I think that's the first time you've ever called me that.

Well, um...

I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.

I intend to.

Your cuppy thing is full.

Do you mind if I put this in your glove compartment?

Yeah, I do mind. I mind deeply.

Jeez-a-marooni. I'll just get rid of 'em.

Oh, that's...

Delightful. That's delightful.

Maybe it'll just soak up the cream soda you spilled.

Why do you alwayspick on me?

It's like your new favorite game is "finding fault with Nora."

No, my favorite game is counting all the things I'mdyingto say to you, but I don't.


"Pipe down, you annoying nut job."

I'd never say that.

You think I'm crazy.


You're colorful...

Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.

Well, you know...

There's levels of crazy, Lynette.

I mean, there are people like me who just have a big personality.

Then there are the kind of people who do things like this.

Aah! Oh, my god!

Knock it off! What is the matter with you?!

What is wrong with you?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Oh, lighten up. Come on, it was a joke.

No, well, it wasn't funny.

If you wanna kill yourself, fine, but don't take me with you. Ooh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya?

You'd really like that, if I killed myself.

That is not what I'm saying.

But if you did, I'd find a way to carry on.

Pull over.

Oh, lighten up. It's a joke.

Pull the car over.

Nah. Pull it over!

Pull over, or I will jump out of this car. All right, all right, all right, all right.

I'm pulling over! Jeez! What the hell are you doing?!

Hitching my way...

To the campsite!


You can't be serious!

Shut up! Just get out of my face!

I'm not talking to you!

All right, now look, you've gone from crazy to stupid.

This guy could be dangerous.

Well, then, it's your lucky day, huh, Lynette?

Shut up!


This is what you do. You just manipulate.

You wormed your way into my family.

You conned your way into coming on this trip with me, and now you wanna force me into saving you.

Well, forget it! You wanna go, go.


No, I've tried that. It wasn't enough power.

Yeah, I'm way ahead of you.

All right, here it goes.

Ah, it worked!

I'm a genius.

Oh, hi. Um, I'm looking for Edie.

She's out.

Ugh, god, where is everyone tonight?

Anything I can do?

No, not unless you can fix a fuse box.

My science fair project blew the power out.

Oh, what's your project?

Oh, uh, it's complicated.

You think I'm too dumb to understand your little science project?

It's not little.

I finished third in the state twice.

Now can you fix the fuse box or not?

Most houses built after 1990 are wired through a circuit breaker.

You didn't blow a fuse. You tripped a breaker.

Not to challenge a 2-time state science fair almost-champion or anything.

Let me grab a flashlight.

Maybe you could also grab a shirt... and some pants.

Pants would be nice.

Susan, can I come in?

I'm with a client. Take a number.

Susan, please.

Everything I said came out of my... My own insecurity and fear that I... that I might... Well, I might disappoint you.

I was gonna stay mad at you another hour, but your damn accent gets me every time.

Blimey, you... you don't say?

Don't push it.

Oh, no, I-I don't mean to break the flow, but I-I just, um...

Look, I know that I'm only your second lover ever, and that... I-I know that means a lot, and I just don't want it to mean... too much.

I'm not following you. What do you want it to mean?

I mean, the last time you did this, it turned into a lifetime commitment, and I... I'm just... I'm not ready for that. You think I am?

Well, I assure you, I'm as capable of having meaningless sex as you are.

I have never had meaningless sex.

So you were... you were passionately in love and deeply committed to all 11 of your conquests?

Don't judge me, Mr. Virgin... plus one! Okay, okay, we... we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot again.



Bob's your uncle?

Get out.

Can't we at least talk? Why? You know, every time we do, we just get angry. Well, we're still getting to know each other, and that's good. You... you've learned I'm a tad insecure, and I've learned... well, you're just a wee bit touchy.

Okay, Ian, you know what? This is... this is not happening.

I am just going to sleep, and you can just drive me home in the morning.

Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for my son.

Have you seen him?

Have you seen him?

Excuse me, young man. Have you seen this boy?

Andrew! Oh, my god, thank god!

What are you doing here?

Looking for you. How did you get that bruise?

It's none of your business. Andrew, please!

Shouldn't you be at home, taking care of your new husband? How did you find out that...

I read it in the paper... You know, the one I sleep under.

Andrew, you have every right to be angry with me, but if you knew how sorry I am... if you came here sucking after forgiveness, you came to the wrong place.

Andrew, please, can't we just talk about this?

I'm your mother, for god sakes! You're my son.

No, youdumped your son at a gas station seven months ago.

I'm somebody else now.



Andrew, please!


♪ workin' for the man ♪

♪ Every night and day, and I never lost one minute ♪

♪ Of sleepin' ♪

♪ Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been ♪

♪ Big wheel... ♪ What happened to your ride?

The guy grabbed my boob, so I hit him over the head with his bong, and I got out.

Look, I'm sorry I freaked out there before.

It's just, when you made that crack about suicide, it just... Kind of hit home.

Oh, my god, Nora.

Did you actually...

Well, I'm... I'm very sorry.

I had no idea.

But your life is better now, right?

You have a beautiful daughter, and you have that fun job at the...

Pancake house.

Oh, yeah, my life's better.


But it's notyourlife.

Your life'sperfect.

Excuse me? Did you smoke that bong before you beat the guy with it?

It's just, you have it all.

You have the kids. You have the career.

You have a husband.

You're supermom.

And you think that's easy? Okay, I have a good life.

Yes, yes, I amverylucky, but I work 12 hours a day, and then I come home to what seems like 33 children and a husband who refuses to get a job.

And believe me, there is not a supermom out there who wouldn't trade in her cape for a chance to read a book and get a massage by a man who has the decency to leave when it's over.

Okay, sorry I brought it up.

I'm sorry I said that about Tom.

He's doing his best to find a job.

Well, you know, maybe he'd try a little harder if he didn't hate advertising so much. He doesn't hate advertising.

Last week, when he came to pick up Kayla, and he'd just come from some crappy interview, he said that he'd hated the ad game for, like, freakin' ever and would like to bag the whole thing.

He said that to you?

He's never told me that.

He's probably afraid to.

Why would he be afraid?

Probably because you're the kind of woman who, when someone says they wanna kill themselves, you say, "go ahead."

You sure you don't want to come in?

No, I'm good.

Uh, you really should see what I'm doing, you know, for next time.

Okay, here's the tripped switch.

So first, you move it to "off"...

To reset, then you press it...

To "on."

That's it? Yeah.

You didn't have to come all the way over here to do that.

You could've just explained it to me.

Yeah, I guess I could've.


Hello there.

Edie! Hi.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, he was just...

He was helping me get the lights back on.

I-I overloaded my circuits. I can see that.

Yeah, so she's doing some big science project, and she neededmeto explain how electricity works.

I think that's called "irony."

Julie, where's your mom?

She's on a trip. Do you need something?

Yeah, back when I could stand her, I loaned her my cd player. I need it.

Oh, she took it to the hospital for Mike.

Oh, god.

This Florence nightingale act is really chapping my ass.

Hey, science guy, I have an experiment for you.

Go home, mix 2 ounces of gin, a splash of vermouth, and see if it improves my mood when I drink it.

Julie, sweetie... You're a good girl.

Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew.

Oh! Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents.


That's what every good girl says just before she becomes a bad girl.

Trust me, I know.

Just like old times, huh?

Mm-hmm, except now when we're done, I don't have to proofread your essay on "Ethan frome."

And I don't have to jump out of a window.

That's a nice change. Yeah.

Hey, how about I order up a bottle of dom?

Ooh, I like rich John!


Oh! Uh, hi.

Nothing, uh, you know, just, uh, room service and a movie.



Really? You're... you're kidding.

Uh, no! I'm... I'm thrilled.

It's, uh, room 424.

Me, too. Bye.

You gotta get out of here. What?

My fiancée's on her way up. Oh!

Your fiancée? She was supposed to come tomorrow.

Guess she decided to surprise me. Get dressed!

Uh, you... You'reengaged? To who?!

Her name's Tammy. Where's your other shoe? How could you do this to me?!

I would never have let you seduce me if I knew you were getting married.

Well, you didn't have any problem sleeping with me whenyouwere married! You knew about Carlos!

My cheating was upfront and honest. Look, Gaby, we don't have time for this.

Get moving.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

In fact, I wanna meet the blushing bride.

Listen to me, okay?

Her name is Tammy sinclair, as in sinclair hotels, as in her father owns this whole damn chain.

So if she catches you in here, I am totally screwed.




Look at you, surprising me.

Oh, I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Ugh, this room blows.

Daddy was supposed to hook us up with a suite.

You know, you're right.

Why don't we go down to the front desk and demand one?

Come on. Oh, no. They're all booked.

They call this a closet?

Where am I supposed to put all my stuff?

You know, I could really use a drink.

Why don't we go down to the bar?

I'm wiped. I just wanna stay in.

Didn't you unpack yet?

No, um, actually, the... the zipper is stuck, um, but they have a guy at the hotel that can fix it.

You know I should... I should probably go ahead and take it down to the lobby.


I'm horny.

So am I...

But I will be a lot hornier...

Once I get rid of this suitcase.


Where did this diamond watch come from?

Oh, shoot, um...

That's what you get for surprising me.

I didn't get a chance to wrap it.

You like it?

I love it!

I'm never taking it off! Son of a bitch!

Come here, you!


John, where are you, damn it?

Don't laugh. I saved a bundle on airfare.


Susan, I'm so...


Keep playing.

Your azaleas are breathtaking.

Thank you. Ahem.

You should be very proud of them.

Yeah, it's nice to know that I can raise some things correctly.

Darlin', be patient.

Andrew will come around.

No, I don't think he will.

I failed him.

I think you're being too hard on yourself.

And you're not being hard enough.

Stop saying that what I did was understandable.

I'm a mother who abandoned her child.

That's... unnatural.

Bree, it's hot. You're tired. Why don't you come inside?

Because there is a bottle of chardonnay in the refrigerator, and right now this little chore is the only thing that's keeping me from going inside and drinking the whole damn thing.


The azaleas really are lovely.

Yes, they are, aren't they?


Look, I'm sorry.

Here's your watch.

I guess I'll just buy Tammy a new one.

Don't you mean her daddy will buy her a new one and just launder the money through you?

I don't blame you for being angry.

All right, I should've told you the truth from the start.

But when I saw you there in the moonlight, it took me right back to when we were together.

Me, too.

Do you wanna sit down?

You know, you're pretty hard to stay mad at.

Good, 'cause I really didn't want this to end badly.

Who says it has to end?

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm single now, and I thought we could maybe...

Gaby... I'm getting married.

Sure, and I was married when we got together.

Right, butthat is not how I'm gonna be married.

Well, that's what I thought, but trust me, marriage is hard.

I know that, but...

I love Tammy, and I don't wanna screw it up.

'Cause enough of those screwups and...

You just end up alone.

Yeah, that can happen.

Good-bye, Gabrielle.

Um, hey, mister, uh, could you spare a buck or 2?

I'm... I'm really hungry.

Hey, thanks!

I'll give you $50 more, you let me buy you lunch.

Fries and a large root beer.

What am I gonna have to do to earn this?

I told you, I just wanna talk to you. You another reporter?


You a youth pastor? You trying to save my soul?

Oh, you make it sound like a challenge.

No, I just wanna understand you, Andrew.

Wait, how did you know my name?

You're him, aren't you? You're, uh...

The new husband.


You know, I wouldn't talk to her.

What makes her think I'll listen to you?

Your mother doesn't know I'm here.

All right, dad.

What do you wanna talk about, dad?

I wanna know how you survive out here.

What do you do for money?

I ask. People give it to me.

That's it?

What... what do you wanna know?

Have... have I done stuff for money that I'm not proud of?

Yeah, sure, but you figured that out as soon I asked you what the $50 was for.

But, uh...

Don't... don't tell my mom.

Or... or you know what? Do. Who cares?

Well, I think part of you wants me to tell her because you know how much it would hurt her.

I mean, that's why you're out here, isn't it?

To punish her.

When will you have punished her enough, Andrew?

When you turn to drugs to numb the pain, or you catch a disease you'll never be rid of?

Don't pretend to care about me, all right?

I do care about you, because Bree cares about you, because we're more alike than you think.

I know about rage.

I know how it eats you up.

But rage goes away, and when it does, you're just left with the mess you've made.

Thanks for lunch.

You change your mind, you know where to find us.

How's your back?

If I don't breathe, great.

God, it has been so long since my back has acted up.

Then wham, out of the blue, I'm crying by a tree stump.

Well, you're under a lot of stress.

You got a new kid in the family.

You're job hunting.

Ugh. Are we gonna fight about that again?

'Cause if so, I'm gonna need those last four muscle relaxants.

No, I don't wanna fight. In fact, I was thinking...

If you can't find something you like in advertising, maybe you should cast a wider net.

Meaning what?

You're a bright guy.

Isn't there anything else you might wanna do?

I'd like to play bass for aerosmith.

Okay, let's call that the backup plan.

But, seriously, don't you have some road not taken, some dream you never got around to?

I don't know. Maybe.


I don't know. You get married. You have kids and...

You lose track of that stuff.

Well, think about it, okay?

'Cause whatever you wanna do, I'm in your corner.

Man, did I luck out marrying you.

Tell me something I don't know.

Hi, Mike.

It's Edie.

I'm sorry that I haven't come by to visit.

Pretty rough luck, huh?

Anyway, I'm, um...

Here to pick up my cd player.


Well, I hope you feel better soon.


And that'swiththe coma.

We all carry something with us.

Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load.

But usually it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying so we can get home that much sooner...

Assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive.

Why do we clutch at this baggage even when we're desperate to move on?

Because we all know there's a chance we might let go too soon.