Desperate Housewives S3E4 Script

Like It Was (2006)

Previously on...

A reporter just did a story on homeless teens, and my son was one of them. Oh, my god.

Orson found Andrew...

Have I done stuff for money that I'm not proud of? Yeah, sure.

And the prodigal son returned.

Mike fell into a coma...

What could be more romantic? I could think of... of something.

And Susan fell into the arms of another man...

A bit too soon.

The day Mike Delfino woke from his coma, Edie britt was the first to know.

Once she was sure he was responsive...


Aah! Aah!

Edie decided to share the good news with others.

Code red! Code red!

My friend just woke up from his coma.

And that is how word began to spread.

Mike's physician, Dr. Craig, was busy with a patient when he first heard the news.

Not long after, he called his aunt ida, who was busy knitting a sweater.

She told Lynette Scavo, who was busy watering her lawn, and she told her husband Tom, who was busy playing a computer game.

He then e-mailed his friend Carlos, who was busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer.

And Carlos called his soon-to-be ex-wife Gabrielle, who was busy doing the same with hers.

Yes, word of Mike's miraculous recovery spread quickly throughout Wisteria Lane and stopped cold everyone's busy, busy life...

Everyone, that is...

Except for Susan Mayer, who was busy doing something she would soon wish...

She hadn't.


Edward sibley was the beloved founder of the town of Fairview.

Prior to that, he was best known as a bootlegger...

A womanizer...

And a horse thief.

Of course, no one remembers those parts of Edward's past.

Luckily for him, history is designed to be rewritten...

And no one knew this better than Bree hodge.

So you're just gonna lie to people?

Oh, I'm not talking about a lie... just a polite fiction to explain to everybody where you've been.

I mean, we can't possibly tell them that you've been living on skid row, sleeping in a cardboard box.

So why do I have to go to this history fair anyway?

I mean, it's just some dumb school contest.

We all know Danielle's not gonna win.

She never wins anything. Is it weird eating off plates?

'Cause if you were more comfortable, you could just eat straight out of the garbage. This is a family event, and we're all gonna enjoy it together.

Now, Danielle, stop sniping and start thinking of an alibi for your brother. I know. We could say he joined a cult, and we had to kidnap and deprogram him. Well, that would certainly spare the family some embarrassment.

Why not throw in a killing spree, too?

Well, here's a thought... We say he was at drama camp.

It reflects Andrew's interest in the performing arts, while giving us a private joke to savor about the drama of his estrangement.

Uh, yeah, he isalwayslike that.

Uh, guys, why can't we just tell the truth?

Uh, I got out of line, you kicked me out, I lived on the street, and I came back home.

We'll need a name for this drama camp.

We got ties here, people!

Designer ties, two for a dollar!

Ooh, do you like those barbells?

Make me an offer. I'm feeling generous.

Here's the customer I've been waiting for.

I'll give you $5 for this.

Carlos, I see you got my flyer. You're having a garage sale featuring menswear and sporting equipment.

I need cash, and you don't expect me to sellmystuff, do you?

Those are my good cuff links!

Those are my cds!

Oh, my god, this is my baby blanket.

My mamá knitted this!

And it pains me to sell it.

It's just that my lawyer told me what you're offering for spousal support, and I can't get by on that.

Hey, I am doing the best that I can.

I've got a few deals in the pipeline, but I'm not making near as much as I used to. So I should be punished?

Attention, shoppers, for the next 20 minutes, free golf club with every purchase!

Gaby, I'm trying to be civil, but if you don't knock it off right now, I swear, the gloves are coming off.

Oh, honey, the gloves aren't just off...

They're 70% off!

Get your cashmere gloves!

Hey, Parker, where's your uniform?

You got your game in an hour.

No, I don't. I quit. What?

I hate baseball.

Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.

Well, daddy should have checked with mommy, so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong.

Hey, you're playing. But, mom, I suck!

Everybody says so.

That's why they made up a fake position for me. It is not fake.

There is not a team I know that could get along without their backup far right fielder.

Okay, come on, let's go practice.

All right, let's try it again.

Nice and easy. Watch the ball hit the bat.

You ready? You can do it. Here we go.

Okay, Parker, I keep telling you, you gotta keep your eyes open.

How are you gonna hit the ball when you're doing this?

You threw it too fast. Throw slower.

If I threw any slower, we would be bowling.


Hey, whatcha guys doing?

I'll tell you what we're not doing... quitting.

Oh, hey, buddy, did you change your mind?


Lynette, I told him that he didn't have to play anymore.

He's got five more games in the season.

He made a commitment. He's gonna see it through. But, Lynette, he doesn't like it, and if you haven't noticed, he kind of sucks. Yeah, well, that's not the point.

What kind of message are we sending if we let him quit whenever the going gets rough? Honey, it is kids' baseball.

It's a way to kill three hours before they eat pizza.

Why you being such a hard-ass? Well, it's called parenting, Tom. Watch and learn.

Okay, p-dog, this is a curveball.


Again, opening the eyes... Can't stress it enough.

Are you sure it's okay if we stay another day?

Well, let's see. What excuse did we use when we had this conversation yesterday?

That we work hard, and we deserve to relax.

No, I believe that was last Thursday's rationale.

Uh, fresh air is good for us? Ah, Tuesday.

Okay, here's one...

Julie needs to spend more time bonding with her father.


If we keep this up, we could stay here till Christmas.

You know, some... sometimes when you smile like that, that... that... that really makes me think that... that...

What? What were you gonna say?

Well, it makes me think that I could love you.

I... don't mean "love" in the swooning schoolboy sense...

You know, fireworks exploding, bells ringing.

To me, it's... it's about this...

A mundane task that... That's suddenly a joy because of who you're doing it with.

That's love to me...

Someone to fluff while you fold, someone to whisper to at a boring party, someone to... to...

Shh. Do you mind?

You're kind of drowning out the bells.

So I am.


I think I can feed myself now.

Mm, you said that yesterday, and I wound up with a cleavage full of pudding.

You heard the therapist.

It's gonna be weeks before you're up and running.

I just wanna get home, unpack.

You just let home come to you, okay?

The whole street's dying to see you.

Bree is even bakin' ya a peach pie.

She's the redhead, right?


Husband's a doctor...


Rex is dead.


When did that happen?

About a year and a half ago.


Yeah. You were at his funeral.

What are you talking about? That's not possible.

I just met him right before my accident.


What year is it?

2004. Why?

It's called retrograde memory loss.

It's caused by the swelling and frontal lobe damage.

You say he's lost two whole years?

Yeah. Is that unusual?

Ah, patients more typically lose several weeks.

The damage may be more severe than we thought.

Well, do you think he'll get his memory back?

He might, at least partially.

You could be of some assistance with that.


Bring him some personal belongings, photos, letters.

He's gonna need some help to remember what he can't.

Oh, I'm sure I could fill in a few blanks.

Hey, did I tell you that, uh, Burnham fox is looking for a new creative director?

P.r.? What makes you think I wanna work for a p.R. Firm?

Easy hours, big paycheck, access to great parties...

Yeah, what was I thinking?

Honey, we agreed that I would chase my dreams, and that ain't it.

Look, I was just making conversation.

Batter up!

Is he up? Oh, come on!

Come on, Parker! Keep your eye on the ball!

Strike one!

Hey, people, he's just a kid, okay?

Come on.

Strike two!

Hey, hey, that is not helpful.

It only takes one, Parker! Only takes one! Come on, Parker!

It's not your son's fault.

He's just up against the best pitcher in the league.

Yeah, guy's a machine. Who is that kid?

Nicky abbott. He's a neighbor of mine.

The kid's got an arm like a 13 year old.

Strike three! You're out!

Ohh! Again?

I'm gonna go buy him an ice cream.

It's okay, p-dog.

You're gonna get 'em the next inning!

So tell me, what else do you know about this Nicky kid?

You're short 50 cents.

Please, that's all I got.

Hey, give the kid what he wants.


Hey, aren't you, uh, Parker Scavo's mom?

That's right.

Come. Walk with me.


Money's a little tight, huh?

A little.

Yeah, I heard your old man's out of work.

That's gotta be tough.

Yeah, they, uh, cut my allowance.

No! A kid's gotta have an allowance.

How else you gonna buy the things you want, right?

Like that cotton candy.

That's a little piece of heaven, huh?

Hey, I got an idea. Maybe we could help each other out.

My son's having a little trouble hitting the ball.

Yeah, I saw that.


Ever seen one of these?

Carlos, what are you doing here?

I mean, besides lowering my property value.

I had a little news, and I wanted to see your face when I delivered it. Oh.

I'm tired of fighting, so I called my lawyer and told him to give in to your demands for spousal support.



Wow. Well, thank you.

Okay, you've seen my face. Now you can beat it.

Wait. There's more.

Since I'm gonna be giving you all that money, I have to cut back on some stuff, like the rent on my apartment.

But the good news is, according to my lawyer, I'm completely within my rights to do this...

Honey, I'm home.

Wait! You can't stay here!

Now there's the face that I was looking for.

Batter up!

Strike one!

Wow, that was kind of slow.

His arm must be getting tired.

Yeah, well, after all those fastballs...

Come on, Parker!

You can do it!

Strike two!

Oh, my god! Yes!

Mr. Faladi.

Yes? I cannot thank you enough for getting Danielle interested in history.

She has never worked so hard on a project before.

Well, don't tell anyone, but she is my favorite student.

Oh, and it's so good to see that Andrew's back.

Where's he been all this time?

Drama camp...

A very prestigious drama camp.

Do I know you?

Yeah, uh, you gave me a ride in your black sedan once.

You know, the one with the reclining seats?

Excuse me. Yeah.

Wasn't that Dr. Keck? You know him?

Yeah. Yeah, we, uh...

Met at drama camp.

Oh, good lord. Yeah.

You mean...

Yeah, I, uh...

"Performed" for him once.

Are you all right? I'll be all right. I'm fine.

Howard keck?

You sure?

I mean, he's a very respected member of the community.

Yeah, well, they all were.

What were you and Andrew talking about today at the fair?

Uh, nothing.

I was gonna make some cocoa. Would you like some?

Orson, I saw the two of you whispering right after Dr. Keck ran off. What happened?

Look, Andrew asked me not to say anything, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us, so please don't let him know I told you.

Well, of course not. What is it?

How to put this? Uh...

When Andrew was on the street, he, uh, he didn't just beg for money.

At times, he...

Well, he did things to earn it.

Oh, good.

I mean, I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all.

Uh, what I mean is...

Men hired him, uh, to...

Uh, do things... Things he wasn't very proud of.

Yard work?

Afraid not.

Orson, you're scaring me.

Did he do something awful?

No! No, not awful.

I mean, people do it all the time.

I do it with you. I just don't pay you for it.

I think someone could use a cocoa.

Look, we mustn't judge Andrew.

He was desperate. I'll never forgive myself.

It's all my fault for pushing him away. Bree, don't do that to yourself.

The important thing now is that he's home and he's safe.

How does this Dr. Keck fit into all of this?

I mean, is he treating Andrew for some awful disease?

Actually, I think he was one of Andrew's...


Howard keck?!

Oh, that's ridiculous. He's got a wife and a daughter.

He plays on Tom Scavo's bowling team. Well, that's clearly not the only team he plays for.

This is a nightmare, an absolute nightmare.

Please don't cut into that pie. I made it for Mike.

Mike? Delfino?

Yes. I left you two messages.

Didn't you check your voice mail?

He woke up from his coma.

Who is it? It is sharla banning?

I'm not telling who it is. I'm just asking the question.

If you know a husband has been unfaithful, do you tell the wife? Absolutely.

If he's cheating, he could bring home a disease. Okay, that's what I was thinking.

I mean, that's how bunny Connors got chlamydia. She told me she got it from wearing someone else's bathing suit. No, that's how she got crabs.

Poor bunny. It's always something.

If it's not the clap, it's a botched face-lift.

Be that as it may, do we all agree that I should tell this man's wife? I wouldn't.

Women always say they wanna know if their husband's cheating, and they always resent the person who tells them.

So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me? No!

But I would hire someone to beat the crap out of him.

Aw, you're sweet.

Bree, I'm sorry.

I think you gotta follow your heart on this one, even if it isn't the easiest thing to do.


Are you and Carlos getting back together?


Uh... would you excuse me?

What are you doing? I told you I was having friends over!

I'm thirsty! And this is my kitchen, too.

Hey, ladies!

Oh, for god sakes, put some pants on! Well, I wanted to, but somebody threw my laundry out of the dryer while it was still wet. Don't act like you didn't deserve that.

What are you talking about?

You peed in my shampoo. Admit it!

What?! Yeah, the cap was loose, and I know how your sick mind works. Oh, really?

Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo.

I would do it to your mouthwash, soup and decaffeinated coffee.



To answer your question...

No, we are not getting back together.

♪ non, rien de rien ♪

♪ Non... ♪ I love this music.

What's it about?

Making love, regret, cigarettes.


That's what I assume.

It's French. They write what they know.

I'd love to go to France someday.

Would you like to go next month?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm going on business. Come with me.

Oh, Ian, I just took a week off.

I couldn't possibly justify taking another.

Oh, you'll manage.

We've already proven ourselves masters of the flimsy rationalization.

Well... okay.

You gotta promise me we'll actually leave the hotel room.

It's Paris, dear. You can pretty much make love anywhere.


I thought you said you didn't get reception up here.

Well, the occasional signal gets through.

Please don't answer.

Oh, it's Julie. I have to.

Hello? What's up?


Uh, I can't...

No, can you say that again?

The signal's really bad.


Oh, my god.

Is something wrong? Mike woke up.

Um, Julie, when... when did he...

Julie? Julie!

Oh, damn it!

Oh, my god.

Oh! Oh, my god!


Uh, i-i... I have to go.

Um, I gotta get out of here.

Yes, of course.

Uh, I-I think that you're sitting on my bra.

What'd the coach say?

What do you think he said? Parker's off the team.

That's not fair! It's not his fault!

It doesn't matter, because his mother bribed an 8-year-old pitcher, who also, by the way, was kicked off of his team.

Not Nicky, too!

What were you thinking?

I was trying to repair my son's shattered self-esteem.

With a $50?


Honey, everything would've been fine if you had just let Parker quit.

Well, excuse me for not wanting my son to be a quitter.

Yeah, 'cause I guess having two in the family would be a bit much.

Whoa. Where'd that come from?

You say that you support my decision to leave advertising and follow my dream, but it is obvious to me that you resent it. That is not true!

Why do you keep dropping all these hints about the job at Burnham fox then, huh? I just figured, since you're taking your time figuring out what your dream even is, you might wanna make a few bucks in the meantime.

I have a dream, too. It includes keeping this house.

Oh, like I don't...

Are you fighting? No!


It was excitement, because we have just decided you don't have to play baseball anymore.

Ha! Isn't that great? But I can't stop now.

Huh? Not when I'm finally getting good.

You were right, mom. I just needed a little more practice.

So come on, come on! Let's go practice!

See you outside.

So what's on the next page of your parenting handbook?

Ian, can you please hurry?

I am hurrying! We should've been on the road ten minutes ago.

It's not like checking out of a hotel.

There's doors to secure.

I have to turn the gas valve off. Can't you do that stuff later?

When? After the place is overrun by raccoons?

Of course, the joke would be on them when it blows up.

Mike is awake! He's lying there and he's wondering where I am.

Yes, I get it. You're in a hurry.

Just please give me a minute.

I bet you'd move faster if Jane were awake.

Ah, here's the picture that you took of me in my bikini at that pool party.

You could've warned me I was showing a little nip.

Oh, Susan Mayer.

Remember her?


She's pretty.

Yeah, she is, sorta, in this picture.

Is there a date on this thing?

The nurses said that she visited me a lot.

We were close, huh?

You have just come out of a coma.

Can we not talk about Susan till you start to regain your strength?


Oh, god.

I hate to be the one telling you this...

Well, if you don't want to...

That tramp treated you like dirt.

She strung you along. She slept with other guys.

You broke up with her twice.

Well, why did she keep visiting me when I was out of it?

Well, she's a bit of a stalker.

I was worried that she was gonna come in here and disconnect one of the tubes or something.

But don't worry.

She's glommed on to some new guy, and she's up in the mountains at his place with him right now.


She told the nurses that she really loved me.

That's the one thing about Susan that you must never forget...

She is a liar.

You waiting to see Mike Delfino?

Uh, yes. I'm a... I'm a neighbor.

But, uh, he already has a visitor, so I'll come back later.

Well, don't be surprised if he doesn't recognize you.

He's suffered significant memory loss.


Oh, that's too bad.

You sure you don't want to go in?

Ms. Britt's here all the time. She won't mind.

No. I've waited this long. I can wait a bit longer.



Hey, Carlos. What's up? My key won't work.


That's probably because I had the locks changed.

Gaby! Can't be too safe.

You never know when someone might move in on you when you're not looking.

Hello, 9-1-1?

There's an intruder breaking into my home.

Can you tell them to come armed?

I think he's Mexican.

I'm telling you, I'm her husband.

I bought her this house. My name is on the deed.

Ma'am, if you're married, it's a matter of public record.

I can find out very quickly.

All right, but we're going through a very messy divorce, and he moved back in on me.

And everyone knows the wife keeps the house, and the husband gets the crappy apartment.

It's the American way.

Call my lawyer. This is all totally legal, and she knows it.

She's just trying to get back at me.

I hear that.

You wouldn't believe the stuff my wife pulled when we split.


Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't take sides!

Police officers aren't allowed to take sides.

Ipay your salary.

Ted, did you see that? This lady just assaulted me.

Oh. It was a SWAT.

Ted, does this hurt?

Get your hands off me!

Police brutality!

This is all my fault.

Why punish Parker?

Sorry, Mrs. Scavo. Rules are rules.

I can't put him back on the team. Just one more game.

He'll suck, the other kids will taunt him, and he'll wanna quit again. See, everybody wins.

I wish I could help, but...

Please? You can't bend the rules just once?

Did you know the team could use some new batting helmets?

Are you asking for a bribe?

You pretending you're above that?

I'll get my checkbook.

Hello, Vera.

I made you some of those, uh, shortbread biscuits that you like so much. How sweet!

Can you stay for some tea? It's been so long.

We have some catching up to do.

Yes. Yes, we do.

I know how painful this must be for you.

It isn't easy for me either, considering Andrew's role in it.

And why have you told me this?

Because I thought you'd want to know.


So you could do something.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

That I know nothing about the man I've lived with for 27 years?

I've always assumed Howard had some... outlet, a friend tucked away somewhere.

I didn't know.

I didn't care to know.

But thank you for painting so vivid, so indelible a picture of my husband's activities.

I'm sorry.

I just felt that if it were me, I...

You'd want to know. Yes, absolutely.

Then I owe you an apology, because I've been sitting on a little secret about your family.


Actually, it's not much of a secret.

My daughter tells me it's common knowledge among the cheerleaders. What is?

The fact that Danielle is sleeping with her history teacher.

But where are my manners?

I should have brought some biscuits with that.

Batter up!

Well, aren't we just the parents of the year?

Sitting in the stands, waiting for our son to fail so we can weasel out of a bribery scandal.

Twobribery scandals. Gotta count the batting helmets.


Strike one!

You know, for what it's worth, I don't think you're a quitter.


And you don't resent me?


Ball one!

Okay, well, maybe a little.

Why? You get to chase your dream while I get to spend the rest of my life in advertising.

Strike two!

Maybe I'd like to write a book or, you know, start my own magazine.

And then I think, "no, I can't."

I have a family to support," and I am okay with that...

Ball two! Most of the time.

You know what?

I'm gonna look into that job at Burnham fox.

Don't you dare!

You are gonna chase your dream, and I am gonna support you 99% of the time.

It's all I could really ask for.

How the hell did he do that?!

Yeah! Come on, come on!

Crap, they're cheering for him.

Oh, he's never gonna quit now!

What are we gonna say to him?

Go, go, go, go!


Ow! Ow!

I don't know, buddy.

It looks like a pretty bad sprain.

Probably gonna be out the rest of the season.


Hey, but you know what? That was one heck of a hit.

Sure was.

I posted your bail. We can go.

Gaby... don'ttalk to me.

Oh, lighten up.

You were in there for maybe an hour.

The whole thing is funny, and you know it.

Come on, Gaby!

We've been going at each other for months now.

Can we just stop?

You know as well as I do we're gonna end up back together.

Wow, youarecrazy.

No, what's crazy is throwing away the past three years.

I mean, why can't we just say what we really feel for a change?

Fine, I'll get the ball rolling. I still love you.

That's too bad, because I don't love you.

Yeah, right.

I don't...

And I haven't for a very long time.

That's a lie. You're just saying that to hurt me.

No, if I wanted to hurt you, I would tell you about last weekend...

When I slept with John rowland.

Carlos, what are you doing?


What are you doing?! Carlos!

You can't leave me out here in the middle of nowhere!



Danielle! Danielle, he is your history teacher, and he is 35 years old!

Robert says age is just a number. Don't you dare leave this house!

You can't break us up! I love him, and he loves me!

Come on, mom.

I am so tired of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived.

You're not.

There's grandma.

I just... I've tried so hard to set a good example.

I've done the best I could to teach you kids right from wrong.

Why isn't it taking?

It took.

I mean, we know the difference between right and wrong.

We just chose "wrong."


Sometimes when you push a kid really hard to go one way, the other way starts to look more entertaining.

You're awful.

Yeah, I know.

I blame shoddy parenting.


You know, we never discussed what it was like for you while you were... away.

I just want you to know, if you ever wanna talk about it, there's nothing you can't tell me.

Um... thanks.

Not right now. Okay?

I'll pick up my bags later.

It's not my fault you weren't there.

What? It's not. I know what you're feeling, but...

How could you possibly know what I was feeling?

For six months, I have prayed every day for that man to wake up, and you made me give up on him.

I did notmakeyou. Okay, not on purpose, but you did.

You were sweet and charming and English, and that's why when my prayers were answered, I was a hundred miles away, naked in someone else's arms.

Thisshould never have happened.

You can say what you want about this, say that you feel guilty, say that it was bad timing, but... but don't you say that this should never have happened!

Because you're the...

You're the best thing that's happened to me in years.

Ian, I'm... I'm sorry.

I know how you feel.

It's Mike.

It's my Mike.

Well, then... then you should go.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.


Hi, Susan.

Oh, god!

It's so wonderful to hear your voice again.

They say you've been here a lot.

Yes! Yes, I have. Almost every day.

I can't tell you how much I'm kicking myself for not being here when you woke up.

Where were you?

I was in the country.

But I'm back now.


Is something wrong?

You... you don't seem happy to see me.

To be honest, I don't remember you.


I remember moving to Fairview and meeting people, but after that, nothing.

The doctors say it's the head trauma.


But you're gonna all right.

And I'm gonna help you remember.

And if you don't mind, I'm kind of tired now.

Oh. Okay.

Right, you... you, um, you sleep.

I'll come back tomorrow.

I'd rather you didn't.

Well, I've got therapy.

Maybe next week.


We all have our reasons for rewriting history.

Sometimes we need to provide ourselves alibis...

Drama camp was awesome.

Uh, we're talking zero supervision.

Sometimes we wanna hurt someone who has hurt us...

So you can tell Carlos that he can have the photo albums.

She says that they hold no sentimental value for her.

And then there are times we just wanna spare ourselves embarrassment...

I don't know how these rumors get started.

No, Parker only quit the team 'cause he hurt his ankle.

Of course, there are some who feel that to rewrite history is just another way to lie...

And poor Howard has to work late again tonight.

Of course, he does it all for the family.

But what is history anyway...

You say I dated Susan for a long time.

Do you think I was in love with her?

But a set of lies agreed upon?

I don't. I really...

Really don't.