Desperate Housewives S3E6 Script

Sweetheart, I Have to Confess (2006)

Previously on...

Gabrielle got even.

So did I hurt you, or should I keep trying?

Tom got an idea... I'm gonna open up a pizza parlor!

Bree got a warning... He's a cold-blooded killer.

The police got a clue...

Those blue marks... I think it's a phone number.

You've reached Mike Delfino.

This should never have happened!

And the battle for Mike's affection got ugly.

How do you sleep at night?

Soon, with Mike on top of me.

It is often said that confession is good for the soul.

No one knew this better than a certain blonde who had been confessing her sins to father O'Malley once a week since she was a child.

As the years had passed, much to father O'Malley's dismay, a theme began to emerge...

I seduced the cable guy again.

I'm having an affair with a folksinging duo.

Last week, I let rabbi lippman get to third base.

And once she had been forgiven, father O'Malley would tell Edie britt to go out into the world and sin no more.

Unfortunately for Edie, temptation seemed to be...

Hello there.

Everywhere.

Edie, what were we like together...

Before the accident?

What do you mean?

You know, were we close?

Honestly?

We lived about 50 feet from each other, and you barely knew that I existed.

Seriously?

Mm-hmm. It's true.

I mean, you weren't rude or anything.

We'd wave or exchange "hellos" as we went to get our mail, but you never really looked at me.

Not really. I... I was just another neighbor to you.

But if we weren't friends, why are you here every day helping me?

Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you...

I sort of fell in love with you.

Oh.

Yeah, and I'm not telling you this because I expect anything, so you can just relax, okay?

Okay.

But when you do come back home, and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail, I'd really appreciate it if you'd...

Just look at me.

That's all.

I'm looking at you now.

Yes, it's often said confession is good for the soul.

Mike Delfino and I made out today, and it was great!

But some confessions are just bragging in disguise.

♪♪♪


There was nothing Bree hodge hated more than an unexpected...

Knock at the door.

She was always certain it would lead to a disagreeable surprise, whether it be in the form of a cosmetics saleswoman, religious zealots or extended family.

But on this day, the surprise awaiting Bree was far more disagreeable than she ever could have imagined.

Hello, Bree.

Carolyn.

This isn't a very good time. I'm baking.

Bree? Uh, hi. We haven't met.

I'm Harvey bigsby, and I brought my wife here to apologize.

It's a soufflé, and timing is everything.

Oh, please, please, um...

She's been under a great deal of stress since Alma's disappearance, and... and she really hasn't been herself.

Much of that was due to the Mexican painkillers that she was purchasing online, but I put a stop to that.

Well, Orson tells me that the two of you were very close, and out of respect for that friendship, I'm all ears.

After thinking it over, I realized that maybe iwasout of line...

Ahem. I was definitely out of line with the terrible accusations that I made.

I'm deeply sorry for the pain that I caused.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Well, I can appreciate how difficult that must have been for you.

Apology accepted.

I'm so relieved.

As am I.

Well, you don't know how rusty my golf game's gotten without this one keeping me on my toes. Well, perhaps we can all get together for dinner at the club sometime.

That sounds lovely. Great.

Darling, you are amazing, you know that?

To rise above all that unpleasantness with such dignity.

Well, thank you, darling.

But if you think for one second that I'm gonna break bread with that malicious, pill-popping shrew, you're out of your mind.


Hey, Susan! Whatcha doing?

I just dropped my trowel. Thanks.

All righty then, you have a nice day.

Bye-bye.

Susan?

Ian! What a surprise.

Were you, um, were you hiding from me?

Uh, a little.

I... just, the last time we saw each other, it was so awkward and complicated.

Water under the bridge.

And besides, this is strictly business.

I'm throwing a party for an editor friend in from London, and I thought you two should meet.

You could bring a date if you want.

Speaking of which, uh, how are things with Mike?

Oh, uh, they're moving along.

It's a process.

And the, uh, blonde woman who's been visiting him every day...

Is she part of the process?

Uh, Edie? Oh, she's... Just a neighbor.

She visits Mike after her hepatitis c treatments.

Oh. Well, I-I do hope you can come to the party...

So you can meet my editor friend.

I just... I just don't think that's a good idea.

Right.

Well, at least I, uh, I got to see you.

You have...

This is ludicrous... The biedermeier armoire.

It's my understanding that your client doesn't even like antiques.

Totally immaterial. It's a valuable asset.

Fine. Let's discuss the kosta boda vase.

Nope, it's a premarital acquisition.

We can verify that with receipts.

Ahh.

It was a gift to Mr. Solis.

Maybe you were sick that day at law school, myron, but it's called communityproperty. Don't patronize me, Kenny.

We're prepared to go to the mat on this one. Oh, enough.

Just give her what she wants. Look, I'm sick of fighting.

It's just stuff. Uh, I'd like a moment alone with my client.

This has been going on for months. I'm done.

Draw up the papers. I'll sign whatever.

You're giving me everything I want? Just like that?

Justlike that.

We expect to see the paperwork by the end of business.

How sweet is that?!

We nailed their asses.

Mrs. Solis, they completely folded.

That's the thing... Carlos doesn't fold.

That son of a bitch is up to something.

Before you come in, cover your eyes.

Tom, I... do it!

Okay, now... When I say "open," don't look with your eyes. Look with your imagination.

Okay.

Okay. Open.

Oh, dear god.

Damn it, you looked with your eyes!

It's a dump! What are you thinking?

Oh, I'll Grant you it's a fixer-upper.

It's a burner-downer.

Come on, honey, go with me.

We can put in booths with checkered tablecloths, a jukebox, a big-screen to watch sports on.

How can you not see the potential in this place?

Well, I just don't.

Tom, you know how I feel about this pizza thing.

Well, hopefully, it'll grow on you.

Don't... tell me you didn't sign a lease.

There's gonna be a dartboard!

Tom! No.

There were multiple offers. I had to move fast.

You leased a building without telling me?

Well, maybe I didn't tell you because I knew you'd try and talk me out of the best opportunity in my life.

Okay. Okay, here's what we're going to do.

You said there were multiple offers, so we can sublease.

Now let's get the hell out of here.

You said you'd support my dream.

My mistake.

I assumed you'd have a dream worth supporting.

I'm gonna stay here tonight.

Fine.


Two lemonades for the Victors.

You keep playing like this, Bree, and we are a cinch for the finals. Hello, tish.

Hello, Rebecca.

Did you see that?

She just deliberately snubbed me.

Maybe she didn't notice you.

Rebecca, I just spoke to her.

And call me paranoid, but Amy griswold did the same thing to me on the golf course last week.

What is going on?

You really don't know?

No! I have no idea. What?

Tish is very good friends with Carolyn bigsby.

Carolyn knows tish?

She knowseveryone.

Anyway, tish won't talk to you because you married Orson, even after Carolyn told you that he killed his wife.

That is ridiculous. Orson did not kill Alma.

And besides, Carolyn just apologized to me for that yesterday.

Well, maybe that hasn't gotten back to tish.

Oh, you don't believe any of that nonsense, do you?

Do you?

Bree, you're the best doubles partner I've ever had.

Can we talk about this after the tournament?

Hello. I'd like to make a reservation for this evening under the names hodge and bigsby, and, um, we'll be needing a table in the center of the room.

How long will daddy be gone?

Well, that sort of depends on daddy.

Are you two mad at each other?

Yeah. A little. But that's okay. That's okay.

We still love each other very much.

But just like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.

Why can't he take a time-out in his room?

'Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.

No fair. That sounds fun.

Not this pizza place. It's a rat hole.

But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.

What's "petulant"?

It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futures.

Huh?

It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, you'll learn a new one...

Grovel.

They got in a really big fight.

Daddy's sleeping at the restaurant.

No, no, it's good that you told me, sweet pea.

You keep those little ears open, okay?

Okay. Bye, mom.

Bye.

Oh, hey, that's for me. I'll take that.

Okay.

Well, I'm beat. I'm gonna take a nap.

Uh, hold it.

You're a sweaty mess.

So? I was working out.

So you're not laying on anything in this house until you take a shower.

Fair enough. It's all yours now, right?


I don't know, myron.

It's a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo.

Just read it and call me back.

Crap!

What?

Uh... why did you put those shorts back on?

Why do you care?

Uh, it's just that they're filthy, and I was gonna wash 'em for you.

You wanna wash my shorts?

I don'twantto, but if you wear them one more time, they're gonna ask me themselves.

Wait a minute.

I forgot something in the pocket.

No bleach.

Got it.

So it's a job contract?

Yeah, Welch and Simon are offering him

$2 million over 3 years, plus stock options.

Well, that's fantastic! I get half, right?

Well, no.

If you're legally divorced when he signs the contract, then you don't see a dime.

That conniving, underhanded snake!

Thank god I broke into his desk.

At least now we know why he was so quick to fold on your settlement.

All right, well, let's just say something happened to postpone the divorce.

I would still get my share of that $2 million, right? Well, in theory, but...

How would you manage that?

I know how Carlos thinks...

More importantly, what he thinks with.

Was that Susan Mayer?

Yeah. Why?

Mr. Delfino asked not to be disturbed.

Mike? It's me.

Are you decent?


Hey, Susan.

Hey, you.

Whatcha doing? I suckered McCluskey into taking the kids for a while so I could kick back and catch up with my old friend... Margarita.

You care to join us? Believe me, I would love to, but, um, I gotta... I gotta get dinner started for Julie.

Okay.

Oh, you know, what the hell? She's 16.

If she hasn't figured out how to feed herself by now, I've failed.

Ahh. That's nice.

So where were we?

You were trying to figure out how to kill Edie without doing time.

Oh, right. Oh, I wish Paul young was still around.

He'd know what to do.

Fine, Gaby! Don't say hi!

Hey! Cocktails? Nobody called me?

It was spur-of-the-moment.

We're numbing the pain of our miserable lives.

Oh. Well, I was trying to do that with exercise, but why risk a heart attack?

Make mine a double!

I don't recognize her.

Who is she?

That's what we're trying to figure out.

Your phone number was written on her hand.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

He's had a bit of memory loss.

After 2004, things are... fuzzy.

No memory, huh?

That's convenient.

Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Delfino.

You killed a cop once, didn't you?

That was self-defense.

Hope it wasn't just beginner's luck.

You wanna charge me with something, go ahead.

Otherwise, get the hell out of my room.

Were you always this angry, Mr. Delfino, or can't you remember?

So do you sell by the slice, or do I gotta buy a whole pie?

What are you doing here?

I knew how hard you were working, so I figured I'd bring you a little something to eat...

And drink.

You know, I can't pronounce this wine, which means it's eitherreallyexpensive or I have had too much.

I can't believe that Lynette doesn't just love this place.

And if you ask me, she's just a negative Nellie.

She's just being realistic.

I mean, the restaurant business is brutal. It's... Tom.

Listen to me, okay, 'cause I'm a very intuitive person, and you have a real aura of success about you.

Come on.

I'm serious.

I believe in you, Tom Scavo.

Thank you.

Okay, mnh-mnh. Wait, wait, what, what... what just happened?

We kissed. No, you kissed me.

No, no, no, you wanted me to.

No, no, no, no, no, I didn't.

Really?

'Cause this is you. "My wife doesn't get me.

"Hey, let's have some more wine...

Alone, in a deserted building." I was just looking to vent.

I wasn't looking for anything more.

Okay, but when opportunity knocks...

Nora, please!

I love my wife!

Really?

You mean, the one who thinks that you're a loser?

No, the one that loves me enough to keep me from screwing up, and I think it's about time I got back home to her.

You led me on. You shouldn't have done that.

I'm just gonna say it. Tequila makes me happy.

Yeah, we're drinking on the porch.

You got a problem with that?

Oh, I know them. They live on cypress.

They just celebrated their 53rd wedding anniversary.

Show-offs.

Don't worry. It won't last.

You're just fooling yourselves!

Hey, I know them.

Oh, 53 years.

What do you think their secret is?

I'll take a wild guess.

The man never opened a pizza place.

Oh, I just thought of something.

I'm never gonna celebrate a 53rd wedding anniversary.

I'd have to live into my 90s.

Oh, my god. I'm gonna die.

Bite on this.

Ah.

Can I tell you guys something...

Something I can only tell you guys?

Oh, god, here she goes again. What grade is he in?

Not what I was gonna say. What I was gonna say is with all his conniving and trickery, I still love Carlos.

Yeah, he's hot.

Anyway, what if I never find that passion with anybody else?

Well, maybe you should try to patch things up with him.

Nah, I already paid a lawyer. I'm taking himdown.

I brought this on myself.

I tell Tom, "I want you to be your own man."

But the truth is, I don't.

I want him to have what he wants if it's what I want.

I'm a bitch with a capital "c."

No! No, you're not!

You're a great wife and a great mother.

Although... Don't you have children?

I had passion with Mike...

And drama.

Lots of drama.

Love isn't supposed to be that hard.

Oh! Oh, sweetie!

But, you know, with Ian, everything was always easy.

You know, that's the kind of guy I could see myself living into my 90s with.

So go to Ian! Tell him you made the wrong choice, and he's the one you wanna be with.

What have you got to lose?

Excuse me, ladies?

Look, Susan, god called you a cab.

I'm looking for, uh, 4347.

Ida Greenberg?

I'm ida Greenberg!

Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are!

See you later! Go, ida!

Go, ida!

Whoo-hoo!

Susan. You came.

Of course I came.

Oh!

Oh, I just love your house. It always smells like you.

Oh, my gosh!

What... is the thing... Is that tonight?

Well, yes. Isn't that why you're here?

No! No, no!

Actually, I just... I just had something to tell you.

Well, of course.

Ah, Doug, see if you can find Judith for me.

Thank you.

Well, as long as you're here, I want you to meet that editor I was telling you about.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, 'cause I-I didn't really bring my "a" game.

Is it hot? Are you sloshed?

Susan!

Oh, is thisthesusan you've been telling us all about?

Yes, this is she.

Could you, um, give us a moment? Oh, of course.

Um... what's going on?

Nothing. I just had a few drinks with my girlfriends, and thank god, because it gave me the courage to come over here and tell you what's really in my heart.

Um, go on.

But first, I think I should use the powder room.

Uh, oh... oh, of course. It's, um, it's over there.

She seems nice, Ian.

Oh, yes, she's, um, she's absolutely delightful.

Oh, I'm so sorry that you had to see that.

I see you've met Judith.

Oh!

So with a hundred bucks riding on it, the pressure's on me now.

I reach into my bag, I grab my 4-iron and bada bing... Hole in one.

And there's been no living with him ever since.

Did I not tell you how hilarious these two are together?

Oh, they are a regular barrel of... tish!

Why, hello, Bree.

Carolyn.

Oh! Do you two know each other?

Well, that saves me an introduction.

Uh, tish, you know, I was wondering if you need any help with the Christmas gala.

Last year, I was on the decorations committee...

Oh, my god, I forgot to call you. What an idiot!

We'll talk first thing tomorrow.

That would be lovely. Thanks.

Nice to see you. Nice to be seen.

Well, I need to powder my nose. Care to join me?

Oh, I'd love to.

I'm so happy we did this.

Yes, me, too. It's been a delightful evening.

So, so fun.

Could you get us some extra tissues?

Thank you.

You know, I realized something just the other day.

You've never seen a picture of Alma, have you?

No. Why?

Granted, it's not her best look.

What is all this?

That's the police report that Alma filed after Orson hit her.

It's all in there...

The bruises, contusions, broken wrist.

This is not possible.

Photos don't lie, Bree.

Is this why you apologized?

Yes. I wanted you to spend time with me so you can see I'm not some crazy nut out to get you.

I'm sorry, but if something like that happened again, I could never forgive myself.

Thank you.

I had a feeling you might need these.

Bring me another one.

Hey, buddy...

You wanna slow down a little bit, huh?

Harvey?

Look, I'm going through something, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about it.

I had an affair.

Uh, does Carolyn know?

No, she has no idea.

I met this girl on a flight from Paris, and... and we just... Mmm, connected.

No, I know it sounds crazy, but it was...

Love at first sight.

Well, are you still seeing her?

No, that's the thing.

A few months ago, she stopped returning my calls, and then I went by her place and I've looked for her everywhere, and she's just disappeared.

No, I... I'll tell ya, now I know what you went through with Alma.

It's brutal.

It gets better. Trust me.

I-I just can't get past it. I-I'm...

I can't get Monique out of my mind. Monique?

That's her name.

Monique... polier.

Isn't she beautiful?

She's... very pretty.

They're back.

Wow.

You two girls were gone a long time. Everything okay?

Mm-hmm, absolutely.

So...

Who wants dessert?

Hey.

Hey.

What have you been up to?

Oh...

Just a quiet night with the girls.

Listen, something happened tonight, and it got me thinking, and...

You mean more to me than any restaurant ever could.

Oh, stop right there.

I am the one who should apologize.

I have been abadwife.

No, no, no, no, no!

You were just trying to keep me from doing something reckless.

Yeah, well, any wife can support a husband who never takes risks, and I don't want that kind of husband, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna be that kind of wife.

So you open your pizza place, and we will find a way to make it work.

You don't know how much it means to me to hear that.

God, I love you. Ooh! Mmm.

So what happened tonight?

Okay, but don't react until I've told you the whole story.

And remember, it's actually a good thing, because it brought us back together.

Ding-dong.

I don't know what Tom told you, but he came on Tome.

I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that.

Why don't you just come on over here and say that to me again?

Stay away from me. I have been trying to stay away from you...

Mom?

Everything's all right, so you can just go back into your room and play.

Kayla!

Don't move.

Okay. Never mind.

I'm leaving.

First, I'm just gonna give your mom a hug.

Your association with my family is over.

When Kayla comes to visit, you will drop her at the end of the block.

You will never again see my husband, and if you try to, I will do to your spine what I just did to your front door.

Nod if you understand.

And you, I'm gonna see you on Saturday, right?

Don't forget your swimsuit.

Good morning!

You're looking bright-eyed and...

Bushy.

Oh.

Did you stay here all night?

Well, I slept on the sofa.

When I brought you home, you were still...

As you Americans say... Tossing your tacos.

Please, keep the food references to a minimum.

Bless you.

Mmm.

So what else happened?

You don't remember?

Well, I'll tell you what... I'll repeat what you said last night, and you say whether it was you or the booze talking.

Are you ready? Mm.

You said you missed me. Susan or booze?

Susan.

You said it was a mistake breaking up with me and that you wanted to start again.

Susan or booze?

Susan.

Then you said that you wanted to dress me up like a schoolboy and spank my naughty bottom.

Susan or booze?

Oh, I didn't say that.

Yeah, all right then, but if you had, um...

Susan or booze?

A little of both, so... "Boozan."


Detective Ridley.

Your Jane Doe in the morgue is named Monique polier.

Who's this?

Just before she died, she was having an affair with a man named Harvey bigsby.

You got that? Yeah. Uh, can I get your name?

I'll need to bring you in for a statement.

Carlos, could you come help me?

I'm watching the game.

It'll just take a second. Please?

...To the 34th yard line for a gain of 6...

What, Gaby?

Whoa.

You look... nice.

Oh, thanks.

I'm gonna go meet some new friends for dinner.

But my zipper's stuck. Can you help me?

Man, this is really stuck.

It's like somebody put superglue on it or something.

Huh. Weird.

Well, you know what?

I don't wanna be late, so I should, um, probably change.

Wow.

Oh, Carlos, this old thing? You've seen it all before.

I'm just gonna wear the little blue number.

Will you hand me those stockings?

Oh, I've got a raggedy nail.

You're gonna have to help me put those on.

Are you sure about that?

Well, I'd do it myself, but I don't wanna get a snag.

It's been a long time.

Really? It seems like yesterday to me.

You want me to help you hook that?

Sure. Why not? For old time's sake.

What about your new friends?

I've decided I'd rather catch up with an old one.


Mr. Bigsby, detective Ridley, homicide.

I understand you know her.

Uh, all right, yes, we were sleeping together.

Can we do this somewhere else?

Sure.

Carlos, do you think we're making a mistake?

What do you mean?

The whole divorce thing.

Maybe we shouldn't go through with it.

It's not like we're gonna find this kind of passion with anyone else.

Are you saying you wanna stay together?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Why don't we just put all of this behind us and stay together?

What do you say? Oh, baby...

If you knew how long I waited to hear you say that...

Well, what? What's so funny?

Oh, man.

I thought I'd be able to get through this without cracking up, but you are just too funny.

There's a little something that I need to own up to.

I know that the only reason you slept with me was because I got a new job.

You got a new job? Honey, that's wonderful!

Gaby, please.

You were a model, not a model/actress.

There is no job.

The contracts in my desk were fake.

I mailed them to myself.

What?! Why would you do that?

Well, let's see...

You did this just to get me in bed?!

No, I did it because I knew you'd smell money and come crawling back.

Then I could turn you down and walk out on my own terms.

Yourterms?!

You don't get to screw around on me, take my money and then walk away without a scratch.

I want you hurtin', baby, and judging by the look on your face when you saw 2 million imaginary dollars disappear, I succeeded.

You are a bastard!

Better a bastard than a whore.

Oh, god!

Oh!

Hello?

Uh, there's been an accident. My husband... he...

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Carlos?

Honey?

Carlos?

Oh, yeah.

It's on.

There is a place in St. Timothy's church where sinners go to confess their sins.

And once they're done, they expect absolution.

But the truth is, not all confessions are worthy of such forgiveness.

Most who unveil hidden agendas deserve the condemnation they receive.

Most who disclose vengeful motives merit the punishment that follows.

Only the truly repentant have any right at all to expect a second chance...

Come on. What's my surprise?

I thought you'd never get here.

Which is why it's best to think twice before you confess...

Mike?

What's wrong?

That... That girl who died...

Especially if you don't know what it is you're confessing to.

I think I knew her.