Desperate Housewives S3E7 Script

Bang (2006)

Previously on...

Nora looked for trouble and found it...

You will never again see my husband.

Julie got to know Edie's nephew...

She couldn't take her eyes off my abs. I felt violated.

Susan and Ian made plans...

I'd love to go to France someday. Would you like to go next month?

Gabrielle and Carlos reunited...

It's been a long time.

And dinner with the bigsbys...

That's the police report that Alma filed after Orson hit her.

Was full of surprises.

Look, I'm going through something. I had an affair.

It was supposed to be an ordinary day for Carolyn bigsby.

She had planned to bake her husband a strudel, give her dog a bath and water her African violets.

Yes, Carolyn had planned to do all sorts of things she thought mattered.

But earlier that day, a woman who wasn't her friend told Carolyn something she wasn't supposed to hear.

From that moment on, Carolyn felt nothing really mattered anymore.

Hello, Carolyn. Yeah, hey, how are ya?

Carolyn? What are you doing here?

I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you loved this Monique woman so much, maybe you should be with her.

For god sakes, Carolyn, she's dead.

Yeah, I know.


Yes, Carolyn bigsby had planned on it being an ordinary day...


You come out of there, damn it!

But as every housewife knows...

Down. Nobody goes anywhere.

Plans change.

Lynette Scavo had a dream last night.

It was one she'd had many times before.

She dreamt of the last time she saw me...

And of the last time we spoke.


Mary Alice, are you okay?

Yes, thank you.

I'm fine.

Okay. See you later.

It was still hard for Lynette to accept that this unremarkable exchange had been our last, or that moments later, I would enter my house and put a bullet through my brain.

I had the Mary Alice dream again last night.

Oh, hon, again? I haven't had it for months. I don't know why it came back.

Well, somebody just bought her old house.

Maybe that triggered something. It was awful, as always.

I saw she was in pain, and I just walked away and...

There was nothing you could do.

And that's what I did... nothing.

Hey, is that the new neighbor?

Oh, he's cute!

Edie said he's a bachelor...

Keep talkin'. Who lives with his invalid sister.

You can stop now.

Should we go introduce ourselves?

Yeah, let's give him the scoop on the neighborhood.

Do you think he knows Mary Alice shot herself in his living room?

Then again, he probably wants some time to unpack.

Orson? If you have a moment, there's something I'd like your thoughts on. Certainly.

What is it? The menu for our holiday open house?

No, it's the police report from the night you beat your first wife.

I'm still working on the menu.

I assure you, I did not beat my wife.

She suffered these injuries in a fall.

Oh, how did she fall? I pushed her.

It was self-defense. She attacked me.

Why would she attack you?

She spilled some red wine on a white tablecloth.

She was trying to clean it up with dish soap.

When I pointed out her mistake, she started screaming, "shut up, shut up!"

And striking me repeatedly with a sauté pan.

Well, look...

The police dropped the charges.

Where did you get this?


Well, of course. Who else?

If she paid this much attention to her own marriage, maybe Harvey wouldn't have cheated on her.

Harvey cheated?

Yes, with some flight attendant named Monique.

Darling, I could never strike a woman.

Well, youdobelieve me, don't you?

All right, I accept your explanation.

I just wish there were fewer things for you to explain.

By the way, to remove a red wine stain, you sprinkle salt to absorb it.

That's just what I was saying to Alma when she clocked me.

Whoa, what fresh hell is this?

Hey, Tom...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You have stepped onto my property, and you've talked to Tom.

That's two rules you've broken, and I'm not sure that top doesn't make three. Would you tell your lunatic wife I'm not talking to her?

You're the lunatic if you think I'm letting you anywhere near my husband. Just drop Kayla off and go.

Kayla won't be visiting today. We're moving.

And here's where you can send the child support.


Mm, an old friend of mine got me a sweet job dancing at a nightclub in Tijuana.

Great, and you're taking Kayla?

Thank your wife.

She's been itching to get rid of us ever since we got here.

She finally got her way.

Wave bye-bye to your daddy, honey.

Nora, can't... Can't we just talk about this?

Oh, we're not allowed to talk. Remember?

She's Tom's daughter.

You can't just take her out of the country.

Watch me.

Does either party have anything to add before I rule on the division of assets and alimony?

No, we're confident that your ruling will reflect the pain and suffering endured by my client.

Your honor, does the definition of "suffering" encompass the seduction of my client four days ago?

Excuse me? She thought he was coming into some money and hoped to stall the divorce until she could claim her share.

How dare you! That is a vicious lie.

Oh, Carlos, give it to me!

Carlos! Yes! Yes!

Carlos... you recorded our lovemaking?

It's all right here, your honor. When she climaxes, she actually starts screaming out dollar amounts.

Mrs. Solis... Would you like to respond?

As a matter of fact, I do have a few thoughts.

Carlos, you're a dead man! Do you hear me?! Oh, the ruling seems fair to me.

You get the house.

I just get everything in it.

I saiddead!

No alimony. That's a drag.

But, hey, you like to work, right?

Come on, just give me one clean shot at him.

I'm willing to do the time!

Mom, I was packing your suitcase, and you're totally out of toothpaste.

Do you want me to go to the store and get some?

What is this?

Oh, um, it was Austin's, okay?

Edie's nephew? Since when are you friends with him? Uh, we are not friends.

I was tutoring him, he brought beer, I told him to throw it out, and he did. End of story. Did you have any?

Oh, I cannot believe your timing.

I'm about to fly off to Paris, and you're inviting boys over for oktoberfest.

Oh, that's it! Go to your room and finishing packing.

This conversation's over. Last time I checked, I was the parent.

Yeah, well, the last time ichecked, I was the daughter who never gave you any reason to doubt her. Okay, I-I know I...

And don't play the parent card with me.

I just finished packing yoursuitcase, doingyourlaundry and balancingyourcheckbook.

And now I'm going to the store to buyyourtoothpaste.

Well, a simple "no, I didn't drink any beer" would've sufficed.

Bree! You haven't returned any of my calls.

I've been worried.

Have you told the wife-beater you're leaving him yet?

Sorry, no.

Turns out he has an explanation for the police report.

Oh, come on.

There's never a good reason for hitting a woman.

I used to think that, too. Then I met you. Good day.

I'm trying to help you.

You're living in a fool's paradise. Well, I guess that makes us neighbors.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you should stop worrying aboutmymarriage and start worrying about your own.

Don't play coy with me.

You've got something to say, then just say it.

Okay. Does the name "Monique" mean anything to you?

Hey, I found this site that offers really cheap fares to Tijuana, but should I even be thinking of going to Tijuana?

It's fine with me, soon as you figure out a way to leave your genitals here.

What are you saying, Lynette?

I'm not allowed to visit my daughter? What?

See? This is exactly what she wants.

She takes Kayla, and I get blamed.

Well, screw her. Let's sue for custody.

Full custody? You... you'd go for that?

You bet I would.

Kayla will be much better off without "crazy" in her life.

So will we.

I'm... I am right there with you.

I just... I never thought you'd want a fifth kid.

I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me.

Hey, look whose plastic handcuffs got taken off.

Okay, you're clearly still a little miffed about the settlement.

But come on, be fair.

I did buy most of the stuff in this house, honey.

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh, I'm helping you pack.

Think of all the money you're gonna save on bubble wrap.

Hey! Do you know how much that was worth?!


Do you know how muchiwas worth?!

When we met, I was on the cover of magazines.

I had a career and a future, but I gave it all up for you, and what did I get in return?

If you break one more thing, so help me...

What? What are you gonna do?

Carlos, have you lost your mind?!

Well, you're helping me pack my stuff.

I'm helping you remodel your house.

You know, I don't know about you, but I always thought there should be a window that was right there.

We can stop this right now, or we can keep on playing.

Your call.

Toothpaste, mouthwash...

Did somebody get an anonymous e-mail?

Said the boy with the economy-sized acne cream.

There you go again, checking out my basket. Ugh, go away.

Do you know how much trouble your stupid beer can got me in?

Well, then let me make it up to you.

I'll carry your stuff.


Yeah? Harvey, it's me.

Hey, hon, I'm in the middle of something here, so, um...

I know about Monique.

Um, could you excuse me a second? Thanks.

Attention, shoppers, welcome to fields market...

Look, I don't know who you've been talking to, but, um...

Did you love her?

She was just a friend, and she disappeared eight months ago.

The police just found her body. Eight months ago.

That's right when you fell into that big depression.

And I kept thinking, "why is Harvey so blue? How do I cheer him up?"

That was about her, wasn't it?

It's over. She's dead.

But if she weren't, who would you be with... Me or her?

She's dead.

That'll be $12.99. I'll take your fields card.

Couldn't keep your wallet in your pants?

Mr. Bigsby?

Look, um...

I gotta go.

Mommy, look at us!

I'll look as soon as I get back from the store.

Bye, mom!

This is Edie.

Yeah, I'm his aunt.

He shoplifted what?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be right there.

You're still packing? We're... well, we're going to be late. Nope, we're fine.

Besides, I can't leave until Julie gets back with my toothpaste. Oh, we don't need it.

I packed a large tube and some dental floss.


What... why are Americans so amazed when the English display the slightest acquaintance with dental hygiene?

Okay, I'm gonna need some help with this big baby.

Go! Zip, zip, zip! Uh, Susan, do... do you really need all this?

I mean, we're not emigrating. It's my first time in Paris.

I want it to be magical, and that means accessories, so back off.

It's the fashion capital of the world.

Uh, while I'm working, you can take my credit card and buy some new things. No, no, I am not gonna spend your money.

I have an expense account.

And you just tell me this now?

I'll tell the driver you'll be a minute.


Yes, this is her mother.


Well, you're gonna love the neighborhood.

Oh? Are you all moved in?

Uh, pretty much.

Just waiting on some medical equipment for my sister.

Oh, yeah, I heard she isn't well.

Can I ask what's wrong with her? Oh, of course.

Unfortunately, she has this rare degenerative...

Oh, that's rough. Excuse me.

You told me you weren't even friends with him.

Now you're shoplifting together?

Mom, you know I wouldn't steal. Yeah, I wanna believe that, but suddenly you're having boys over, you're drinking beer... and soon she'll be listening to that rock 'n' roll music everybody's talking about.


So how are we gonna handle this?

Listen, I have somebody in the car who's late for a plane.

Can you give me two minutes? Mom...

I am so disappointed in you.

Hello, Carolyn.

Yeah, hey, how are ya?

Look, make him work it off.

You get a free stock boy for a month.

A month? It was a $10 bottle of whiskey.

Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

Harvey, don't walk away.

Come on. Let's sort this out.

Hey, Nora. How's tricks?

I thought it was your car I saw in the lot.

You're a conniving bitch. Ah, I see you've heard from our lawyer.

So it's not enough that you run me out of town.

You gotta steal my damn kid.

Carolyn, what are you doing here? I've been thinking, Harvey, that if you loved this Monique woman so much...

Even you have to admit Kayla would be better off with us than in a dingy apartment over a Tijuana strip club.

Believe me, Lynette, you do not wanna screw with me.

You went after my husband.

If anyone should be afraid, it's you.

Go! Go!



Harvey, you come out of there, damn it!

Down. Everybody down.

Nobody goes anywhere.

Don't move. Get down.

You can't be serious.

We have tickets. The plane leaves in two hours.

I'm sorry.

I know, Julie picked a lousy time to rebel.

I'm... I just can't fly off and ignore it.

You're overreacting.

It's an adolescent prank, and you're turning it into some great bloody crisis.

You have a lot of meetings anyway.

We'll go some other time.

I can't leave Julie right now. We'll take her with us.

Oh, that's responsible parenting.

Stealing whiskey?

"That's it, young lady. I'm taking you to Paris."

Ah, ah, but that's just some ruse.

Once we get her on the plane, we'll make her fly coach... Middle seat, no mercy.

I'm sorry.

It won't be Paris without you.


What the hell's going on?

It's Mrs. Bigsby. She has a gun.


I said nobody move!

She's at the back.

I think we can make it.

Hey! Ow!

Attention, shoppers, we're having a special today on not getting shot, but it's only available at the back of the store!

Hey, how are ya? Thanks for joining us.

Do I know you?

My son Jordan's in your sunday school class.

Oh, he's a great little boy, so don't do anything that'll make him wake up tomorrow without a mommy.

Um, for the rest of you, hi, I'm Carolyn.

I'm sorry for putting a crimp in your day, but I'm pretty sure that my cheating husband is in here right now phoning the police, so I'm counting on all you folks to help me keep them outside till Harvey and I have a chance to... talk things over.


You're inconveniencing your customers.

Get out here!

Yeah, she's got hostages!

Oh, my god.

Austin's there, and Julie!

Get your ass out there before someone gets hurt!

What am I, a moron? She'll shoot me.

She has got ten innocent people out there.

Sometimes you've got to take one for the team.

Pass me that lego. Hello?

Hello. Sweetie, it's mommy. I need to talk to daddy.

Porter's hogging all the legos.

Tell 'em I said to share. Now put daddy on.

Ididtell them, but he says he needs them all for his robot.

Put daddy on, and I'll buy you a real robot.

You will?

A big one with laser beam eyes. Now go get daddy!

I'm getting arealrobot!

A real robot? Come on, that's not fair.

I'm having a real bad day here.

Is a little cooperation too much to ask?

Lynette? Lynette?

It's terrible.

Excuse me, what's going... What's going on?

Crazy woman with a gun! In there!

Okay, I need you to look at me.

No, no, no! Stay back! Stay back!

Carolyn! Open up! My daughter's inside!

Sorry, store's closed.

Yeah, but there's a crazy woman in there! Yeah, I know.

Yeah? Quick, turn on the TV.

It's kinda on the Fritz.

Well, turn on your radio. If only you'd come ten minutes earlier.

Some woman is shooting up fields market.

She's got hostages. Oh, my god!

Yeah, we're all watching it over at Bree's house, and...

Uh, is everything okay here?

Yeah, everything's fine. Having a little squabble.

Give us a minute.

Carlos, where do you think you're going with that?!

Information is very thin at this time.

We do not see anybody in the front of the building at this hour... Coffee's almost ready, and if you'd prefer to watch the coverage on channel 9, it's on in the den.

Uh, Orson, Greta needs a coaster.

We'll be keeping you posted right here live on the air.

Bree, have you heard?

Oh, it's just awful. Deviled egg?

Oh, thank you.

I told you she'd have food.

I'm sure some of you might be thinking that this is allmyfault and that I'm the bad guy here, but I'm not. He is.

Will you people stop calling me?

I'm right in the middle of something.

He humiliated me.

First he cheated on me with a stewardess named Monique.

How cliché is that?

And then he told people about it.

Now there are news trucks out there.

Judy pope's husband has an affair... nobody finds out.

Mine cheats, and they break into programming!

The whole town is laughing at me!

You hear that, Harvey?!

I only told one person.

Well, it was clearly the wrong one.

I told you to stop calling me...

Tish, I'm sorry. I thought it was somebody else.

Oh, my god, was that today? I'm so sorry.

I know, tish. Yeah, I know.

I know I volunteered for the winter fair...

How can you look so calm? Aren't you scared?

No, because I'm not gonna die today...

And neither are you.

Well, no, especially...

Tish, I really don't think that I can.

I'm telling you, um...

Oh, tish, for god sakes, turn on your damn TV!

Excuse me, my name is Susan Mayer...

Ma'am, this is a restricted area.

I would like to trade places with one of the people inside.

Don't... don't you do that? Oh, you mean our hostage exchange program?

Okay, you don't have to be nasty.

My daughter is inside there. Ma'am, we're doing everything we can to get her out safely.

Now please step back.

I want the perimeter locked down.

Nobody goes in, nobody goes out, and see if you can get me an open phone line with the manager's office.

Attention! Attention, Carolyn bigsby!

Where's that coming from?

This is Susan Mayer... Again.

First of all, I'm sorry for the "crazy lady" remark.

Second, I have a proposition for you.

Find her now!

Let Julie go and take me instead.

Repeat, take me.

I will be a model hostage.

If we have a deal, signal by sending Julie to the...

No, take your hands off me!

Carolyn, Carolyn! Call my cell! It's 572... oh!

Now we don't know where anyone is inside the building right now, but we are standing by, waiting for information.

I'm hoping to talk to the chief of police in just a couple of minutes, get a few more details...

Andrew, honey, would you please get the phone?

Police have just released the name of the hostage taker.

It's Carolyn bigsby, wife of store owner Harvey bigsby.

Harvey has informed police that he is barricaded inside the store...

Oh, my god, Bree, don't you know her?

Uh, yes, um...

I just... Ran into her this morning.

That was Leslie Gibbons live at the scene...

Uh, mom?

That was Edie britt on the phone.

She's inside the market.

Is she all right?

Yeah, uh, she's locked inside the manager's office, but she said that Julie Mayer and Mrs. Scavo are with the hostages.

Details available.

Bree, would you mind watching the kids?

I've got a doctor's appointment, and Lynette is taking her sweet time at the market.

I'm sorry. Are you guys having a party?

We continue to report live on the scene as the hostage standoff at fields market enters its third hour.

According to a police spokesman, there has been no further contact from the hostage taker.

We continue to wait for the latest information.

No new news at this point.

We will bring you the latest as soon as it becomes available.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I just, uh, I'm running out of food, and it's not as if I can go to the grocery store.

Bree... Thank god I found this stale baguette so I can make bruschetta, and there's shrimp in the freezer, so I'm gonna make my rice and seafood dish...

Bree, this is not your fault.

I had to tell her.

She hurt me, so I hurt her back.

If anything should happen to Julie or Lynette...

Is there anything I can do?

You can peel a clove of garlic.


Everybody back!

Just... they need space!

I wanted kids.

I wanted kids so badly, but Harvey had two from his first wife.

He said it made her fat.

Harvey likes them lean.

I run 4 miles a day.

This is my first cookie in six years.

You hear that, Harvey?

I'm breaking my diet!

She's starting to lose it out there. What do I do?

Just keep her calm, tell her you're sorry and see if you can get her to release the kids and old people.

Okay, I'll try.



Uh, it's me, Harvey.

Look, I'm really sorry.

What I did...

Was wrong, but I still love you a lot.

Cut the crap.

I had my hair done this morning. Did you notice? Huh?

Did you even notice?

Well, I was distracted.

You were shooting at me.

Tell her...

Let the kids go.

Who the hell was that?!

You got a woman in there? She's a customer!

Don't lie to me, Harvey!

She's another one of your whores, isn't she?

Oh, fantastic!

Carolyn, I swear...

Shut up.

I hope you're having a good time in there, whore, 'cause I got a bullet for you, too.

God, what a nightmare.

You know what the weird part is?


I keep thinking about that crazy lady in the market, and I understand her.

I-I couldbeher.

Come on.

No, I mean it.

The rage that I have felt in these past six months...

If I had had a gun in the courthouse today...

You could never shoot me.

I don't know what I'm capable of anymore.

This divorce has turned me into this...

Bitter, hateful person, and I don't like her.

Hey, baby.

And for what it's worth, I don't like what it's turned you into either.

Then let's stop being those people.



Hey, just so you know...

I heard the woman in there teaches sunday school.


A sunday school teacher would never hurt a kid.

No way.

Thank you.

I'm sure Lynette's gonna be fine, too.

Oh, I'm not worried about Lynette.

Hell, with Lynette in there, they don't even need that negotiator.

You put Lynette in a room with a woman who wants to shoot her husband, she'll have them renewing their vows. Right, Lynette is very persuasive.

I give it an hour, tops.

Then we'll all be back home eating our hamburgers.

She was gonna go to the store tomorrow, but we were out of hamburger.

I wanted hamburgers.

I hope all this is giving you a little perspective on our situation.

Shh! She told us not to talk.

You're thinking about your kids, right?

How awful it'd be to never see them again.

Well, that's what you're asking me to feel, but for the rest of my life! Nora! Nora, please!

Hey, what'd I say?

Sorry. I'm sorry. We'll... we'll be quiet.

You and your friend are really starting to bug me.

She's not my friend.

She's trying to steal my kid.

Nora, shut up!

Is that true?

No! I... we're... we had... We're sharing custody, and then she tried to seduce my husband, so...

She put the moves on your husband?

Why didn't you say so?

Aah! Aah!

That was a shot! We just heard a shot fired inside the building.

A shot has been fired.

I believe the phrase you're looking for is "thank you."

We just had a shot.

We heard a shot fired inside the market.

You can see police are responding, taking this very seriously.

We are going to just continue to stand and watch and wait and see what happens.

It was on television at the airport.

I came as soon as I could.

The last thing I said to her was that she disappointed me.

Police have just confirmed that a hostage has been shot.

Repeat, a hostage has been shot.

There's no word on the name of the victim at this time, but it is believed to be female. Mrs. Hodge?

The mood here at the market, which has been very uneasy all morning...

When's mommy gonna be back from the store? Thank you, Leslie.

I'm... I'm sure she'll be back soon.

Why don't we, uh, go have some cookies?

Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner.

Well, uh...

I'm sure she won't mind. Come on.

Let's go. Come on.

Okay, I gotta keep the pressure up to stop the bleeding!


Good news is you won't need that lawyer now.

You are gonna get through this just fine.

There is a parking lot full of ambulances out there.

You gotta let us take her out of here!

No one's leaving.

Listen to me...


About Kayla...

Oh, forget it! Forget it! We'll work that out later.

No! I don't have... Have later, you stupid bitch.

Okay? So listen.

Okay, I'm listening.

Kayla's the only good thing that I've ever done in my whole life.

I need you to really take really good care... of her.


I don't have all day. Come on.

Yeah, yes, I will. I will, I will.

I will love her like she is my own. I will, Nora.



Oh, don't look at me that way. You know you wanted her dead.

How can you say that?

Well, you told me about her and your husband after I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores.

I did not want this.

Don't you dare say that I wanted this. Shut up!

No, I will not shut up!

What's the matter with you?! Have you not been paying attention?

My husband cheated on me! Who cares?! Who cares? We all have pain!

Everyone in here has pain, but we deal with it!

We swallow it and get going with our lives!

What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!

She deserved it! Well, maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

I'm... i'm... I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah, you shouldn't have.

Aah! Aah!


Lynette Scavo had a dream that night.

It was one she'd had many times before.


Mary Alice, are you okay?

Yes, thank you.

I'm fine.

Okay. I'll see you later.

But this night, something changed.

No, you're not. I can tell.


Tell me what's wrong.

Let me save you.

You can't.

Why not?

Sweetie, we can't prevent what we can't predict.

Isn't there anything I can do?

Yes. Yes.

You can enjoy this beautiful day.

We get so few of them.

This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me, and for her sake, I am grateful.