Desperate Housewives S3E9 Script

Beautiful Girls (2006)

Previously on...

Wisteria Lane's new hero... Hello?

Superhero houses are great!

Turned out to be anything but.

Orson's mother took up residence...

I've decided to accept your wife's kind invitation. You wouldn't.

And Mike couldn't remember...

No memory, huh? That'sconvenient. Anything at all.

Here's our search warrant.

We couldn't find a toolbox.

Oh, you might want to wash that wrench off.

It's got something on it.

I'm just saying that we never spend the night at your house. But your place is so warm and cozy.

Oh, it's also a disaster area.

I didn't get a chance to clean it today. Oops!

Oh, here, let me.

Susan Mayer had never thought of herself as cinderella, but then one day...

A prince showed up...

Well, we can't have you sleeping in squalor, can we?

My place it is.

And Susan realized her life had become a fairy tale, and since her prince had welcomed her into his castle, she felt the least she could do was thank him...


And again...

And again.

The next morning, however, Susan discovered castles...


Don't run themselves.



All right, oh...

But let's make it a quickie 'cause you are wasting water.


Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

Uh, who are you?

I am Rupert. I work for Mr. Hainsworth.

That would be the man you slept with, in case names weren't exchanged.

Oh, no, i-I'm your boss' girlfriend.

Surely he mentioned me.

Mm, not that I recollect.


Good morning, boss.

I thought you were off today.

Isn't... isn't your sister in town?

Uh, that's next weekend, sir.


It's a good thing, too.

Otherwise, I might not have had the pleasure of meeting your... Girlfriend.


Yes, we met at the, um, at the hospital.

Why don't I fetch you a robe?

Loving that idea.

Would you care for some breakfast?

Omelette? Strawberry tart? Brioche?

Oh, wow. Um, yeah, that... that sounds great.

Um, you pick.

Yes, Susan's life had indeed become a fairy tale...

You are aware there is amrs. Hainsworth?

Well, of course.

And what's a fairy tale...

Tart it is.

Without a dragon to slay?


We know dangerous men walk among us.

What we can't be sure of is who they are or where they hide.

So the most we can offer any stranger is reasonable doubt.

But once the doubt is gone, people are anything but reasonable.

I am telling you, our neighborisa pedophile, and I expect you to do something about it.

Mrs. Scavo, he's not listed on any sex offender registry.

He's never had so much as a traffic ticket.

He's a single man with a basement full of toys! I understand your concern, but we can't book a guy on possession of toys.

You don't get it.

His house had thiscreepyvibe.

Tell him, Tom. I never went down to the actual room...

Okay, he wasn't there. He doesn't know.

Look, he had a wall full of pictures of half-naked boys in swimsuits.

Didn't you say he was a swim coach?

What are you, his lawyer? You have to admit, it's odd.

Here's what's odd...

If your neighbor had something to hide, why'd he invite you in to see all of his stuff?

He wasn'ttechnicallyhome when I went inside.

So you broke in?

The door was open...

I was bringing him a cake.

A cake?

It was a "thank you" cake. He sort of saved my life.

She didn't know that he was a pedophile when she baked the actual cake... he doesn't care about the cake, Tom.

Well, why are you snapping at me? You're totally snapping. I'm not snapping at you.

I am snapping because there is a monster across the street, and Barney fife here is making mesound like the bad guy!

Look, I'm sorry.

She's been under a lot of stress, hasn't slept well.

You better not be apologizing for me!

Gotta go.

So... I've got some fabulous news.

Well, I hope it's more fabulous than this dress.

I look something ike Turner would hit.

You're gonna have to find yourself another personal shopper.

What, I slam one dress, and you quit on me?

No, that's my news.

I'm leaving the store and starting my own business.

"Beauty by vern"?

You're opening up a salon? God, could you get any gayer?

It's a consulting firm for beauty pageant contestants.

Andthe answer's "yes."

This week, I'm coaching little girls for the miss snowflake pageant.

It's very rewarding. Hey, you know what might be fun?

If you come down and give a talk.

You know, give the kids some pointers.

Vern, I worked the catwalks in Milan and Paris.

I'm not gonna give makeup tips to little miss training bra.

You have been in rare bitch form.

It's been months now, so don't blame it on your cycle.

Don't call me a bitch, and stop tracking my cycle.

I told you that freaks me out. I'm just saying you've been very cranky today.

What's going on?

The divorce decree came through today.

Carlos is officially out of my life.

Oh, honey.

The girls' ages range 8 to 12.

We meet every Thursday in the rec room of the elks lodge.

I'm not doing it.

You need a project.

That's your problem... You're bored.

And you know what the cure for that is...

Helping others.

Fine. I'll do it, but I want this dress for free.

Evil! You said you hated it.

And I hate helping others, too, but I'm doing that, aren't I?

Is the coast clear?

I don't wanna flash the help again.

Relax. He's making breakfast, but you're more than welcome to flash me.

How long has Rupert worked for you?

Oh, for years. He's practically family.

So you're that close, and you never told him about me?

Yes, about that...

Rupert was incredibly devoted to Jane.

He's, uh, never seen me with another woman, let alone a frisky, naked one.

Well, that explains why he was a little cold to me this morning.

Was he? I'll have a talk with him.

Oh, no, don't do that. That'll just make it worse.

I get it. He loved Jane. He doesn't know me.

You know, I'll just have to charm him, warm him up a little.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm sure you'll find a way.

Great. 9:00 in the morning, and I have to put on a slinky, black cocktail dress.

Hey, here's an idea.

You keep some things in a drawer at my house.

Would it be okay if I had one here?

A drawer? Do you think we'll be here that often?

Your shower has six power nozzles.

With or without you, I'll be back.

Well, then by all means, let's get you a drawer.

I don't need much. One of those will do.

Actually, that's not a good idea.

Rupert arranges things meticulously.

You'll never win him over if you mess with his system. Rupert?

Wow! Your timing's perfect.

Not always.

Susan will be needing a drawer.

A drawer, sir?

Yes, for her things.

She's gonna be spending more time here.

Yeah, rupe, I hope we can be good friends, 'cause you're gonna be seeing lots more of me.

Oh, madam, that hardly seems possible.

Mother hodge, your food will get cold!

Why, please, is there a lock on the liquor cabinet?

Because your doctor says people taking your medication shouldn't drink, a warning you've chosen to ignore if the lipstick on the vodka bottle is any indication.

Poached fishagain? I don't want this.

I want what you're all having.

Well, your doctor has you on a low fat, low sodium diet.

Eight meals this week, eight times I've told you the same thing.

So... who would like to say grace? Allow me.

Dear lord, I thank you for this bland, indifferently prepared meal and beseech you to ignite some spark of compassion in my coldhearted daughter-in-law, that she might show some shred of mercy to me, her wretched captive.


Mother, may I remind you, you asked to come here?

I didn't know I'd be trading one jail for another.

At least at the home you could bribe the orderlies to smuggle things in, but here, nothing gets past the commandant.

I have done everything I can to make you happy and comfortable.

What do you want from us?

I want my freedom.

I want out of this perky little gulag and into a house I can call my own, and you're going to buy it for me.

I can't afford to buy you a house.

You can't afford not to.

I know a house won't be easy to swing, but how many more of these Edward albee dinners do you want to sit through? What did she mean by, "you can't afford not to"?

Was she threatening you with something?

Yes, she's threatening to make us miserable till we cave.

Look, at least see if Edie has any cheap listings.

We'll be happier, my mother will be happier...

Yeah, and she'll take terrible care of herself and be dead in a year. You just stole my next argument.

Okay, you've got enough money to pay either the phone or the cable bill, but not both.

Hello? Mike.

I'm trying to help you here.

Oh, I'm sorry. Just do whatever you want.

Fine. Cable it is.

Nobody calls you anyway.

What do you want?

My toilet's clogged.

I thought maybe you could fix it.

Oh, wait, you can't, can you?

'Cause you don't have any tools.

Must be tough being a plumber without tools.

Why don't you people leave me the hell alone?

Jeez, you sure are hostile for a guy who makes his living in the service industry.

You know, it just occurred to me, there's no point in paying the cable bill if you're not gonna have electricity, so I'm thinking pay the electricity upfront and...

Where have you been? They're all waiting for you.

I'm here to teach fashion, so I'm fashionably late. Cute.

Now remember, these mothers have refinanced their trailers in order to pay for this, so when you make your entrance, for god sakes, sparkle.

Now in addition to her three "vogue" covers, you may remember her as the face of la roque cosmetics.

Please welcome miss Gabrielle Marquez!

Vern? A moment.

Is there a problem?

Yes! What am I supposed to do with that petting zoo out there?

Not everyone wins the genetic lottery like you did.

These girls need help finding the promised land of beauty and style.

Please, Gabrielle, be their Moses.

Good comparison, because it's gonna take a miracle to turn these mutts into show dogs.

Hey, girls, let's talk beauty.

What's up, brother?

I'm sorry. You are...

Carlos from down the street.

We were only best friends, dude.

Oh, um, well, things have been a little fuzzy since the accident.

I'm sorry that I, uh, I hadn't come by sooner, but my divorce has been kicking my ass.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Anyway, I got a new condo, but it's getting renovated, so I was thinking maybe I could crash here.


Yeah, I could help you out around the house and free you up to focus on job one... getting better.

'Cause you're tossing it to Edie now, right?

That's a real relationship killer, needing your lady to hoist you off the can.

Well, how long are we talking?

Couple months. Three at the most.

And, of course, I can kick in for half the utilities and rent.

Well, how can I say no to my best friend?

Can you do a kickflip?

What are the Blake kids doing all the way over here?

Pam needs to keep a closer eye on them.

Will you please come away from that window?

You barely slept last night. Come on. Take a nap.

I'm fine. I'm fine.


Hold on.

Hey, what's up?

I've been meaning to get this back to you andto thank you.

Rebecca and I really enjoyed the cake. Hi!

Oh! Good.



So what'd you think of our place?


I heard you were good friends with the young family.

It must have been weird being in there with all the new furniture.

I-I didn't notice.

Well, how about the kitchen?

Rebecca likes the color, but I'm not so sure.

Oh, sorry. Never made it past the living room.

What?! Come on! You're in an empty house, curious about your new neighbors...

You look around. We all do it.

Well, I don't.

Well, next time you're over, I'll have to give you the tour.

Great, great. Mr. Protector man!

Hey, hey, not now, Parker.

I just wanted to see if I can play his pinball machine again.

I guess there's no need for that tour.

All right, girls, first things first...

If you can't walk, you can't win. Hit it, vern!

Remember, eyes forward, shoulders back, hips square.

Look left, look right, whip and walk.

Yes, I'm unbelievable. Close your mouths.


Uh, okay, stop, stop.

What? My eyes were forward, my hips were square.

But where's your confidence? Where's your pride?

Come on. What do I have to be proud of?

Have you guys ever seen a runway model without the hot clothes and makeup?

Well, trust me, they're not that special, but the one thing that they do have is attitude.

You have to believe in yourself, and if not, pretendto believe in yourself, okay?

All right.

Now I want you to pretend you're on the runway...

Flashbulbs are popping, everyone's looking at you, envying you, and they're all thinking the same thing...

Isabel horowitz is smoking hot!

♪♪♪ Go, Isabel! Go!

You're doing it! Isabel, you're doing it!

That's it! Keep going!

I was walking!

Oh! You... you were totally walking!

Good job! All right, Donna, you're next.

Get up there and make me hate your beauty.

Now this place is a real diamond in the rough.

Cozy little 2-bedroom plus den, with a highly motivated seller.

Oh, look, a highly motivated cockroach.


Let's try to be positive, people.

It's a fabulous location.

Just walking distance to all sorts of fun shops.

Right! From here I can see a bail bondsman and an adult bookshop.

What do you expect in your price range, "Tara"?

Let's go. Thank you.


I'm not an impractical woman.

I know that my son's resources are...

Like his achievements... Rather limited.

I want to see the rest of it.

Okay. Now the lighting in the kitchen is a bit harsh.

The previous owner... Well, let's just say he ran some sort of home-based medical business.

You cannot let your mother move into this neighborhood.

It's filled with junkies and whores.

Yeah, and we'll owe them all an apology, but who cares? She likes it. Of course she likes it.

There's a 24-hour liquor store across the street. Look, she wants a house.

This is the best we can afford without bankrupting ourselves.

Orson, what if something should happen to her?

Stop worrying about her. Worry about us.

Do you realize how much we've been fighting since she came?

The woman's ruined every relationship that's mattered to me, and she's doing it again.


Oh, my god!


Oh! Are you all right? Oh! Mother?

Mother? It's just a little spill. Her cane hit a loose tile.

Is anything broken?

Well, obviously, the damn floor. We'll need that fixed before she moves in.

Are you insane?! She obviously can't be on her own. Why, it's a loose tile.

I'm perfectly fine. And what if you weren't? What if she had broken something and she was lying here for hours?

You are coming home with us. Bree...

And I will not hear another word on the subject.

I can't believe you bought us pizza.

Well, you guys earned it.

But eat fast, because we only have one hour left, and I want to introduce you to your new best friend... Mr. Spray tan.

You know so much cool stuff. Can't you come back another day?

Oh, I don't know.

Please? You have to.

Well, let me check my book.

I might have to move some stuff around, but I think I can swing it.

Your life must be so exciting, huh?

Yeah, every day's a parade.

So what was it like being a famous model?

Honestly, it was like any other job, except the pay was great, the clothes were couture and the parties were just this side of gomorrah.

You don't know what "gomorrah" means, do you?


Did you know Kate moss?

I invited her to a party once. Did you eat pizza with her?

'Cause if you did, it's almost likeweate pizza with her.

Well, honey, most models don't eat pizza.

Well, at least not without having a finger for dessert.


I know. I never did that. You would not believe the horrible things these girls did to stay skinny. Like what?

Well, some would smoke those unfiltered French cigarettes.

But cigarettes can kill you.

But before they do, they kill your appetite.

One time, there was a girl who took too many laxatives, and, uh...

Well, if you're ever at the chateau Milan in room 238, do notuse the jacuzzi.

Do you have to be skinny to be a model?

Well, yeah. When's the last time you saw a fat person on a magazine cover?

Now I'm gonna go talk to vern about our next session.

You guys finish lunch so we can get back to work.

Hi, Rupert! I went to the mall and bought a change of clothes for the weekend, and while I was there, I got something for you.

I thought you could wear it on your day off.

Do you like it?

Very much.

It'll come in handy should my nationality ever slip my mind.

That was good.

You... I wanna party with you.

Hey, I was thinking this afternoon maybe we could go look for that drawer.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm afraid I have all this silver to Polish.

Well, let me help you, and we can talk.

There is so much I wanna know about you.

Who is Rupert Cavanaugh?

What makes him tick?


Tell you what... let's go find you that drawer, hmm?

Oh, isn't the master bedroom down that way?

I realize it's a bit of a jaunt, but I managed to find you an entire bureau.


Okay, well, you certainly didn't have to go to all that...


Is there a problem?

Uh, no, I-I-I just, um...

Well, all I really needed was just a little...

Little drawer, and, uh, this is just so far away...

And what is that smell?

Oh, yes, about that...

The cat passed away in this room.

Did you consider removing the body?

Well, if this isn't acceptable, I can look elsewhere for a drawer wheni have the time.

Why do you have to be this way?

What way is that?

Listen, I know how you feel about Jane, but if you could just give me a chance...

I mean, come on, you... you can't possibly hate me this much, can you?

I'm done.

Oh, fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine.

I don't need you to like me, but I think you should give me just a little respect.

I am Ian's girlfriend.

He's still married.

At best, you're his mistress.

Okay, you are not allowed to call me that.

Fine. What term would you prefer?

Concubine? Consort?

Gold-digging whore?


Oh! I'm so sorry.

I'm... I-I-I shouldn't have done that.

But, Rupert, you have to admit, it's just a drawer.

Those drawers are filled with Jane's things.

This is her house.

You are a guest in her house, and a temporary one at best.

Okay, you know, that is for Ian to decide.

Oh, he has decided.

Why do you think he never told me about you?

Why did he wait so long to bring you here?

He didn't want you in that room, where he still keeps Jane's things exactly as she left them.

But... I'll keep looking for that drawer.

Hey, I'm going over to Mike's.

I thought you were gonna mow the lawn.

I know. It's just that I promised I'd help him install a shower bar, and, um, it could take a while.


There now, go feed the chickens...

T-Rex. How they hanging, brother?

Low and lazy.

Here you go. Yeah.

Hey, if Lynette asks, I installed your shower bar today.

You got it.


Vern, what are you doing here? We need to talk.

Is it about the girls' makeup?

'Cause I got them each their own makeup kit, custom-tailored to match their skin tone.

And I got Melina some wax. I know she's only 11, but those Greek genes are gonna kick in any day now. What?

This morning, Mrs. Hayes caught Donna her finger down her throat trying to barf up her toaster waffle. Really?

And Mrs. Horowitz found Isabel behind their garage smoking.

Apparently, she thought cigarettes would help her lose a few pounds.

Where do you think she got that idea?

Those damn tobacco companies! Gaby!

Oh, fine, I may have told a few stories about the old days, but as a warning.

I didn't say anything inappropriate for kids.

Cassie Warren asked her mother if she could throw a gomorrah party.

Okay, look, we have to do damage control. I get it.

Next session, I'll apologize to all the moms.

Unh-unh, there's not gonna be a next session for you.

The moms don't want you anywhere near their daughters.

But I'm helping them.

They love me!

Wait, please, vern, you have to give me a chance to fix this.

It's too late, Gaby. You are now officially a bad influence.

Well, see you at spin class.

All right, who turned out the lights?

Hey, maybe they called the race on account of darkness.

Mom said we couldn't leave.

I'm just going out front.

What the hell is that?!

Stop running the ball!

Can I ask you guys something?

What was I like before the accident?

What do you mean?

I mean, what kind of guy was I?

Was I happy? Was I angry?

Did I ever get violent?

You were fine.

Look, I'm serious. I really need to know.

You... you can be honest. You're my best friend.


You were sort of mysterious, kept to yourself.

Nobody really knew you all that well.


And this is coming from your best friend.

Thanks, pal.

Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!


Mm! They caught him!

Serves him right...

I'm sorry, guys, I just...

I guess I was really tired.

Uh, where's your brother?

He went outside. Yeah.


Okay, watch her! Watch her.

I'll be back. I'll be right back.

Hello? Open up! Open the door!

Lynette? What's the matter?

I want my son. He's not here.

He's not at our house, he's not in our yard.

Do not jerk me around. Parker!

You can't just barge into my house like this, Lynette.

Don't play dumb with me.

I know exactly what is down here!

Where's the pinball? Where's all the games?

Oh, that was a collection I was taking up for the children's hospital.

I delivered everything yesterday.

Did you donate the photos, too?


What exactly is it you're accusing me of?

Don't pretend you don't know. I'm calling the police.


Is there a problem?

You're damn right there's a problem.

I can't find my son.

Isn't that your son?

Hey, hey!

Where have you been?!

We were at Mike's. He wandered over looking for me.

What... what's going on?

Well, that was the children's hospital.

Art's story checks out. He donated all that stuff.

That proves nothing.

He knew I was on to him. He had to dump it some place.

Honey, believe me, I am with you.

There is something fishy about this guy.

But you gotta get a grip.

You can't go barging into people's homes.

What if Parker had been in there? But he wasn't, and if you keep accusing this guy without proof, he can sue us.


I've been thinking that after everything that you have been through...

Please don't bring up the supermarket again.

That was a traumatic experience.

I think it's affected you more than you realize.

And maybe you need to talk to somebody about it...

You know, like a therapist.

You're right. I need to talk to someone.

He'd gotten rid of everything...

The toys, the pictures, everything was gone.


You can't sit on this, Lynette.

I know!

If something happened to someone's kid because I kept my mouth shut... Ooh.

The thing is, I promised Tom I'd back off.

Well, ididn't.


Jane has some beautiful things.

Yes, she's always had impeccable taste.


I, um, I know how it must seem to you...

My holding on to them.

But I-I just couldn't bring myself to...

I get it.

As much as I have tried to pretend that it's just you and me...

There's three of us in this relationship.

Susan, you... you know I adore you.

No, please, listen...

The last couple of months, I thought we've gotten really close, and I have been loving that.

Um, I just feel like lately...

There's this limit to how far you'll let me in.

Well, I'm... I'm trying.

It's just the, um, the more I-I let you into my heart, the more I feel I'm pushing Jane out and...

You don't have to push Jane out to let me in.

Of course. You're right.

Do you know what I think? No.

That kind of compassionate wisdom deserves an obscenely expensive meal.


Okay, well, give me a minute, and I will change into something nice.

Uh, Rupert still hasn't found you a drawer?

No, not just yet.

Well, in that case...

Ian, you don't have to do that.

If I can make room in my heart for both of you, I can certainly make room in my bureau.

It's just not right. Your mother skipped lunch, too.

She said she wasn't hungry.

Can't we just revel in her absence?

I know she's a handful, but she deserves some compassion.

The woman watched a dream die yesterday.

We all did.

I'm taking her dinner up.

Oh, that's okay. I'll do it.

No, no, I'd rather do it myself.

I wanna talk to her.

Oh, well, I'll let her know you're coming.

Mom's coming. Ditch the wine.

Very well.

You finished the whole bottle already?

I was... thirsty.

Gloria, I've been thinking and...

Does no one in this house ever bother to knock?

Is that alcohol? Where did you get that?


When my grandma asks me a favor with tears in her eyes, how...

Oh, shut up, you little extortionist.

He charged me 20 bucks, plus 5 for the corkscrew.

I'll deal with you later.

You can kiss that codeine good-bye.

Andrew brought her wine.

Oh, for god's sake. This is our house.

If you expect to stay here, you're going to learn to obey a few rules.

I don't obey rules. I make them.

Not anymore, mother.

Just watch yourself, Sonny boy.

Okay, look, I know you're upset, but don't blame Orson. It's not his fault.

It'sallhis fault.

You think he's so wonderful.

You don't know the half of what he's done.

Let's go. I can't deal with her when she's like this.

He doesn't want you to hear the truth...

How he cheated on Alma.


She's drunk!

How he broke her heart... And mine, all for his precious Monique.

You shut up, mother.

Monique polier?

I thought that was Harvey bigsby's mistress.

Oh, she got around, that girl!

See, I told you. I told you she would do this.

There he was, cheating on Alma, not knowing all the time his whore was cheating on him.

Stop it! You shut your evil mouth!

Or what?!

What are you gonna do to me that hasn't already been done?



Bree, no!

Bree, wait!


I know. I thought it was so adorable.

Skirt... I know!

Miss Gabrielle! Gabrielle!

What is she doing here? I have no idea.

I told her she was banned.

Okay, just give me a minute.

I'm sorry about what I said to the girls, and it won't happen again.

Damn right. You're not going anywhere near our girls.

Can't you give me a second chance?

Why should we?

Yeah, I mean, you walk in here all clickety-clack, perfect little miss size zero, thinking you're all better than us.

We all saw the look on your face when you showed up.

I don't think I'm better than you.

Hell, I envy you.


No, it's true. You have husbands and families and a reason to wake up in the morning.

What do I have?


Teaching your kids about confidence and beauty is the most useful thing I've done since...

I don't know when.

And as much as I've helped them...

They've helped me so much more.

So please, I need this.

And I promise, no more talk about dodgy weight loss methods.

Like the highly effective, non-f.D.A.-Approved diet pill I can get from my friends in Zurich...

In bulk.

Well, I suppose the Christian thing would be to forgive her.

Well, why don't you ladies talk it over?

And I'm gonna work on posture with the girls.

Yeah! Come on!

Come on, you guys. Let's go!

As long they're safe...

Oh, thank god.

I've been driving around all night looking for you.

We saw that woman at the morgue...

On our wedding night.

You pretended not to know her. Bree, I can explain.

No. I'm done.

You don't understand what happened.

There were two women in your life before me.

One vanished, and the other was killed.

That's all I need to understand.

I've packed some of your things.

I want you out of the house.




I love you.

I know...

But it scares the hell out of me.

Dangerous men walk among us, and we can't always be sure of who they are or what secrets they hide.

But once our worst suspicions are confirmed, we can take action.

Once their agendas are revealed...

We can take steps to protect ourselves and those we love.

Yes, dangerous men can cause great harm.

But sometimes the greatest danger they pose...

I'll take those.

Is to themselves.