Desperate Housewives S4E10 Script

Welcome to Kanagawa (2008)

Previously on...

The accountant's dropping off the papers for my Cayman island account. This is everything you need to access the money.

Edie got an opportunity... Let go!

But lost it.


You will go to rehab, or so help me, I will leave you.

Made a promise. I'll go.

I keep thinking about what we covered up.

Katherine's aunt was determined to reveal the truth...

And Victor... Uhh!

Was a victim of the tornado... Uhh!

That brought devastation... Oh, my god!

To Wisteria Lane.

Once the tornado had passed, it began.

A man gave his coat to a stranger in need...

A woman shared her food with those just passing by...

A teenager reunited a dog with its worried owner.

These are the things that happen in the wake of any great disaster.

People start to perform small acts of kindness.

They do what they can to help, all the while knowing...

It won't be enough.

Why is it taking so long? They should be going faster.

The fire captain said they have to go slowly.

They don't want debris suddenly collapsing into the basement.

Has anyone heard from Gaby?

Uh, she went to the hospital with Carlos.

He was pretty banged up, but they say he's gonna be okay. Thank god.

Why can't we hear them?

If my kids are alive, they would be yelling.

Tom would be yelling.

Okay, Lynette, listen to me.

They are all going to be fine. I know it.

Okay. You really, really, really think so?

Yes, yes, I do. I do.

So I want you to go over to those paramedics, and I want you to let them look at these cuts.

Because you don't want to be all bloody when they pull your kids out of there, do you?

No. No, I guess not. Okay.

What are you doing?


You don't know if her kids are gonna be okay.

I'm just trying to comfort her.

By giving her false hope?

What do you suggest we do?

Well, you should be saying, "Lynette, this could end badly.

"So you should start preparing yourself for that now." Edie, if you say that to Lynette, so help me god, I will wring your neck.

And I will help her.

Tom and Ida and the kids are buried under that rubble.

I mean, what is it with you people?

Why aren't you willing to face the facts?

Because we're hoping for a miracle.

A miracle?

Maybe, just maybe, if we stop flapping our gums, and we start asking god to take care of our folks, he might just help us out.

So you think a prayer circle is going to help Lynette?

Once you get to my age, you'll find it a lot easier to believe that god really does answer prayers.

So if you can just hang on two more years... Don't.

You know, maybe a moment of silence wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Hey, guys! We got someone!



Come on. Uhh!



Mom! Mom!

Oh, my god! Oh! Thank you. Thank you.

Hold on. Hold off!

Come on, Tom.

Wait. Wait.

Grab the arm. Grab the arm.

Here he comes.

Straight ahead, sir. Go ahead. Right over there.

Thank you. Oh, my god.

Got a light down there?

Where's Ida?

Tom! Where's Ida?

Yes, in the wake of a great tragedy, people do what they can to help...

All the while knowing...

It won't be enough.


The morning after the tornado, the residents of Wisteria Lane began to sort through the devastation and slowly started picking up the pieces of their lives.

It's there by the north side!

Bob hunter found part of his fountain in the middle of the street.

Bree Hodge found her lawn mower next to her coffee table.

And Kayla Scavo discovered her music box in a tree...


Other things.

She had your address in her pocket, but there was no other I.D.

Did you know her?

Sort of. Her name is Sylvia Greene.

Is she local?

I knew her from Chicago.

She was...


Okay, I guess that's all we need.

Would you like me to follow up with you after we contact the family? No.


I guess this means it's over.

The fact that she is dead does not change the fact that you slept with her.

I know it doesn't.

I made a terrible mistake, and I am so sorry, Katherine.

I'm sure you are.

I want you out of my house tonight.

You don't mean that.

Yes, I do. It's over. As far as I'm concerned, you could be lying on that slab right next to her.

Come on, Ida. You can watch us pack from up here.

Wow. The things you accumulate in a lifetime, huh?

Yeah, especially if you never throw anything out.

So her niece and nephew are taking all this stuff back to Nebraska?

Well, the stuff that'll sell on ebay.

I'm guessing the rest will end up in a dumpster.

What's all this baseball stuff? There's a mitt and a Jersey.

Was this her husband's?

No, that was Ida's from her pro baseball days.

Yeah, right.


Oh, you're serious?

Ida played in the all-American girls league during world war ii. You didn't know that? No.

Oh, she was a superstar. Arm like a Cannon.

People said she could throw a porkchop past a hungry wolf.


I have trouble seeing her as the leadoff hitter for anything other than osteoporosis.

She made the only unassisted triple play in league history...

Right here in Granville field, 1944.

That's why she wants her ashes scattered there.

How did I not know this?

Daddy said you were over here. Can I help?


You realize we're cleaning, right? We're not eating candy.

That's sweet, Parker, but we've got everything under control here if you want to go play.

No, I want to do something nice for Mrs. Greenberg.

She sort of saved my life.

What do you mean?

When the house started shaking, and daddy was passed out by his asthma...

Mrs. Greenberg made us all go under the stairs.

But that's not where they found her.


There wasn't enough room for her.

She said she'd be okay in the corner.

Uh, Parker, you want to help?

Ida has some ice cream in the freezer that needs eating before it goes bad. Go on.

I know what you're thinking, but don't.

If you'd been there, it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.

Susan, we can't thank you enough.

Opening your home to us... it's so generous. It's a horrible feeling to literally not have a roof over your head, and that smoky fleabag hotel just wasn't safe for a newborn.

Please, this is what best friends do...

Right before their friendship ends.

Why did you agree to let her stay? How do you say no to someone in need?

That wasn't rhetorical. Seriously, you got anything?

I know you feel guilty because she let us stay with her once, but don't you remember how miserable we were? Oh, yeah. Every cup needs a coaster.

Every coaster needs a doily.

Every doily needs daily laundering.

This woman is gonna drive me out of my frickin'... hey, roomies.

You need help? No, we've got it under control.

Oh, and, uh, listen.

Bob and Lee introduced us to this wonderful contractor, so we won't be imposing for long. Imposing. Who's imposing?

You can stay as long as you want.

I'm sorry. The words came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying. Then stop talking, and don't be so nice.

Otherwise, she'll just take the place over.

Hey, Susan, Orson likes to sleep with the window open.

Do you mind if we rearrange the furniture?


Sounds good to me!

Hello, Gabrielle.

Milton. Hi.

It's a nice turnout.

Victor was loved by a lot of people.

It's gonna be a very emotional day.

You seem remarkably composed.

Oh, no, no. I'm a mess...

You know, on the inside, where the mascara can't run.

Ah, I see.

The reading of the will is today.

Is it? I'd forgotten.

I thought you'd be curious as to how much you'll inherit.

No. I'm not thinking about money today.

I'm burying my husband.

Of course.

It's just, I, uh...

Spoke to the executor of the will, and I have a ballpark figure of what you'll be getting.


Well, I guess there's nothing disrespectful about a ballpark figure.

You're not getting a dime.

Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband.

You broke his heart.

You humiliated him.

So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve... nothing.

Okay, I made a mistake.

I'm sorry, but Victor wasn't entirely blameless.

He ignored me. He used me politically.

Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos.

So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.

Ah, there's the thing.

You married a man from a very rich family...

The operative word being "family."

Everything's in my name... Always was.

The service is starting.

I think it's time for you to go.

Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral.

I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances.

Go to hell.

I'll be delivering the eulogy.

If you're still in this pew when I reach the pulpit, I'm going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore.


I told you it was gonna be an emotional day.

Hello, boys.

Bob, Lee, I baked you some muffins to thank you for introducing me to Walter here.

And, Walter, I decided you're absolutely right.

Dark shingles are the way to go.

Why are you all staring at me?

I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna be able to fix your house. What?

I've just had some bad news in my personal life.

Oh, good heavens. I hope no one's died, which is the only possible excuse I'd accept.

No, it's not... it's not that. It's just...

I don't want to get into it.

Walter, I can't find a contractor now.

Everybody is booked for the next year.

I'm sorry.

Walter. Walter. Walter, I'm begging you. Please.

I'm living like a vagabond in a teenage girl's bedroom.

I'm sleeping under a poster of Orlando bloom.

You can't leave me.

Yeah, well, sometimes people do that.

They just leave.

This is a nightmare.

What is going on?

Walter went through a bad breakup, and today he found out that his ex moved in with someone else.

Oh, for god sakes. Tell him to put on his big boy pants and find another girl. Who says it's a girl?

Walter's gay?

Yes. He can build homes and decorate them.

Sometimes god gives with both hands.

Well, then you just have to fix him up with someone, give him back his will to work.

Yeah, about that... Uh, most of our friends are 9s, and Walter... we love him... But kind of a 3.

And in the gay world, 3 does not go into 9.

Well, we'll just have to find him someone who's not good at gay math.

Well, I drove all the way out there, and I waited for hours and then they wouldn't let me see him.

Uh, no. They just said that I should... I should call you.

Listen, I know it's a 30-day rehab.

I'm not trying to break him out.

I'm just trying to see him.

You know what? Could you just call me when you know?

Thank you.

Welcome to heaven.

Don't talk. I'm smelling.

What is that?

Duck a I'orange. Bree says it's making a comeback.

And our oven is making its debut.

Oh, it gets better.

She did our laundry, too.

Smell my sock. Oh.

Oh, my god!

I want to eat that.

She dusts. She irons.

Oh, and she does this magic trick.

No matter where you throw your sweater, within seconds, it's on a hanger. This has just replaced your birth as the best day of my life.

Oh, hi, Susan. I hope you don't mind that I made dinner.

I hope you don't mind that I'm going to kiss you. Ooh. You're funny.

Now I need you to be honest about this recipe.

It's a dry run for a small dinner party I'm having tomorrow night.

Again, if you don't mind. Not at all.

In... in fact, if you wanna do a dry run for Sunday brunch, I'm there for you. Dinner will be ready shortly.

Oh, and, Julie, I fixed the hem on that blue skirt of yours.

It's on your bed.

My hem is fixed? She's like the mother I never had.

Oh, oh, no offense.

Oh, none taken.


How you feeling?

Uh, not so great.

Well, they should give you something for the pain.

They gave me this button that I can press, but I'm trying not to use it, 'cause the drugs make me feel a little to mellow.

Was the funeral sad?


I found out everything Victor had is in Milton's name, and he told his father about us, so I'm not getting a penny.


Well, it's a good thing you hooked up with another rich guy.



Gaby, you sound weird.

Why do you sound so weird?


Um, remember that day, uh...

When Al was going to drop off the account information?

Oh, my god. He didn't?

No, no, no. He did.

It's just... remember how windy it was that day?

No, no, no. That was the only copy.

I know, but Edie was trying to steal the papers from me, and we got into this fight, and then the tornado just took them away.

They're gone?



What is that sound?

I'm texting someone.

Gaby, that account was our future.

What are we gonna do now? Shh. Carlos, just calm down, okay?

I'm sure Al has an access code or a copy or some super nerd way to get back into the account, okay?

I know we can fix this.


Yeah, he could fix it.


All right, you look very tired, so I'm just gonna go.

But I'm warning you, Gaby, if we don't find those papers, so help me, I'm... Ahh.

Hi. Um, I'm a friend of Al's, and I was wondering if I could see him.

Of course. Please come in.


Right this way. Okay.

Oh, Al.

Thanks again for your help.

Well, we'd do anything for your aunt.

I hope you know what an amazing woman she was.

Uh-huh. Hey, did you guys happen to find a Pearl necklace?

It's the only valuable thing aunt Ida owned.

Well, actually, I have it.

Yeah, she promised it to me if she kicked the bucket first.

Oh, really? In... in writing?

I'll be right back.

All right, let's hit the road.

What about the rest of these boxes?

Oh, that's junk. You can just give 'em away. Hey, listen.

Is there a good place we can grab a bite on the way out?

Um, well, there's a great diner right near Granville field.

Oh. Isn't that... isn't that out of the way? Yeah, but aren't you stopping there anyway to spread your aunt's ashes?

We're kinda pressed for time. Yeah, we thought we'd just put her in the family plot back in Omaha.

You can't do that.

Ida wanted her ashes scattered at the field.

Yeah, I know, but that's kinda crazy, don't you think?

It doesn't matter. She was an amazing woman.

You should respect her wishes.

We should get going.

Yeah. Hey, I-If you don't have time to do it, I will.

Uh, you know, you're not family, so I think that would be inappropriate.

Look, you're taking her pearls.

The least you can do is honor her wishes.

Okay, at the risk of being bitchy, this is none of your business, so could you please just drop it? Fine. And for what it's worth, you passed bitchy ten minutes ago.

Carter, get the urn. I want to get outta here.


You'll never find it. I'll get it for you.

Oh. By the way, I'm staying at Ida's house for a while since, you know, my house is a pile of rubble.

Oh, that's so sad. You've got a week.

Here you go.


Just put it in the cup holder.

Excuse me. Are you Al's wife?

I'm Gabrielle Lang.

You're the mayor's wife. Of course I recognize you.

So I was shocked to hear about Al.

I can't remember the last time I was so devastated.

Didn't you just Bury your husband yesterday?

That sucked, too.

So what happened to Al?

He was driving home, trying to beat the storm, and he ran into a downed power line...

And his car burst into flames.

Oh, sweetie, don't.

I want you to remember Al like I do...

At his desk, with a big smile on his face, surrounded by all his files.

By the way, where are those files?

I cleared out his office.

Oh, I bet that was hard.

So where'd you put 'em?

In the garage.

Which is...

In the back.

Well, look at me, monopolizing the widow.

You go mingle. I'm gonna get you a cracker.


Oh, crap.

Why, god?!

Why do people have to die?!

Why, god?! Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

Oh, thank you so much for letting us take over your dining room. Please. Thank you for making us dinner.

Oh, you will be sending up dessert later? Oh, sure.

Just, uh, leave your trays in the hall when you're ready.


Puff pastry?

Thank you. Oh, here is a nice 12-year-old scotch to wash that down with. Uh, look, it's nice of you to invite me for dinner, but if you're hoping to change my mind about doing your roof, I'm just... I'm really not up to it.

No. No, no, Walter, we... we just heard about your situation and thought you could use a little company. That's all.

Yes, and a nice home-cooked meal.

Trust me, there are absolutely no tricks up our sleeve.

Uh, I noticed there are four place settings.

Is somebody joining us?

All right, I'm here. What was so important?

What's going on?

I'm moving out. It's been a little weird staying in the guest room of my own house.

But I thought you and mom were trying to work stuff out.

We are.

It's just... your mom thought it might be easier if we gave ourselves a little distance.

Then why doesn't she move out?


I'm serious. You can't leave me here alone with her.

I'll go crazy.

Hey, come on. We're gonna see each other all the time.

Why does she always have to win?

Yeah, I'm thinking of starting my trip in Paris.

Todd and I talked about going there, but now I'm thinking of doing it myself.

Walter recently split up with his life partner Todd.

They were gay. Small world, huh?

How is it small, exactly?

Andrew is also an out-and-proud homosexual.

He's here, he's queer, and we're used to it.

Since when?

You know what else you two have in common? A love of boots.

Andrew has some beautiful boots.

Oh, I can only imagine the fun you two would have in the boot shop.

Um, mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen.

Oh, thanks, dear.

With you.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to stay out of the way of all those sparks that are flying.

Sparks? The man's twice my age.

Yes, but he's also...

He's got a great sense of...

Okay, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?

Oh, my god!

And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to him to get our house fixed, then... You're... you're pimping me out for a new roof?

And windows.

But I am not pimping you out. I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.

Look, if by kindness you mean sex... watch your mouth. I would never suggest that.

You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them.

I've done it all my life.

Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.


For you, I will flirt, I will flatter, and I will charm.

Bless you.

And in exchange, I expect a 60-inch flat screen TV.

Fine, and if you can get him to come in on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.

No. That Walter guy needs to stay miserable, because if he's not, he'll fix her roof, and then she'll leave us. Mom, we always knew this couldn't last forever, and she'll still be here another week or two.

That is not enough time. She just started stenciling the kitchen, and I didn't want to tell you this, but there is talk of an herb garden.

I've gotta stop her. How?

I don't know, but I've had a taste of ironed pillowcases, and I am not going back.

Oh, Walter, you got a little right there.

Ooh. Thank you.


Hey, everybody. I'm sorry to interrupt, but the smell of that apple pie just made my mouth water.

Well, say no more. One slice coming right up.

Oh, Susan Delfino, this is Walter Bierlich.

This is Susan's house. She's kind enough to take us in. Hi. How are you?

All righty. Here you go.


Oh. You're going to eat that... Here?

Oh, I'm just gonna visit for a while.

So, Andrew, we miss you around here, but I bet you love having your own place.

Uh, yeah. It's... it's cool.

Of... of course, it does get lonely.

It'd be nice to have someone stop by once in a while.

Oh, well, you'll reel somebody in. You always do.

You should have seen his last boyfriend... Justin.

Ha! He was so hot.

You really had a thing for the young, ripped muscle boys, huh?


He did at one time, but Andrew's outgrown that.

He realized the folly of being so shallow.

Exactly, and now, um, his tastes have gone to the more mature, cultured types, like, uh, Walter here.


This is a fix-up?

Well, I just... it never would have occurred to me, you know, because of the vast age difference.

But, hell. Why not? Life is short.

Certainly shorter for Walter.

Susan. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I mean, I think it's great.

You should grab love wherever you can find it.

Who cares if your friends think that you're paying for it?

Oh, so why don't you take this piece of pie upstairs to Julie?

No, she's right. That's exactly what my friends would think.

Well, then you need new friends. Hey, listen. You know what?

You seem like a nice guy, and it would be great to parade you in front of my ex, but, uh, then I'd be using you. Well, he doesn't mind.

No, parade me.

He's got a mesh tank top that would bring your ex to tears.

Yeah, well, you know, as tempting as that sounds, you know, I'm just not ready to date, so...

Thank you so much for the dinner.

Walter, wait!

Well, I guess I'll just bring this pie up to Julie.



So is someone meeting us here or what?

Well, here's the thing. I called the general manager to ask if we could scatter the ashes here, and he said absolutely not.

So how are we getting in?

Oh, Lynette.

Hey, you've abetted. Might as well aid.

Leave us.

Okay, I know that it sounds selfish, but I did what I did because I want you to stay.

Why? I-I thought you'd want your house back.

Well, yeah, sure, someday, but right now I just love having you take care of me.

All the cooking and the cleaning and the alphabetizing...

It's helping me feel like I'm not just about to fall apart.

Oh, sweetie, you're okay.


I'm pregnant, and my husband's in rehab, and the only reason I seem sane is because you're here, making my house feel like a home.

This is a conversation that could benefit from some homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Can I have milk, too?

I'll be right back.

Do you maybe want to say something first?

Oh, uh, yeah, I guess so.



"Do not stand at my grave and weep.

"Um, I'm... I'm not there. I do not sleep.

"I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am... The diamond glints of snow."

"I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle Autumn's rain."

"Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there. I did not die."

That was lovely.

Let's dump her.

And try not to stand downwind.

She played third base, right? Right. Right, right, right.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait. Uh, sorry. Shortstop.

Oh, yeah.


No, it was third.

Damn it, Karen. I'm running out of Ida.

Okay, don't move!

Stay right where you are and show me your hands.

Okay, split up, and I'll meet you back at the car. Go!

Hey, hey! Right there!


Lady, get back here!

Oh. Aah!

Come on. Come on. Uhh!

Come on!

Run, Jane Doe, run!

Just grab her!

Hey, stop, hey!

I got her. Come on.

Come on.

So when I finally came clean, his wife told me she shredded anything that had to do with offshore accounts.

She was protecting Al.

So we're broke.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I-I know this is bad, but we have each other.

We'll get married again, and everything will be fine.

For richer, for poorer, right?

In sickness and in health.

The whole nine yards.

I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and get us a couple of ginger ales to toast our future.

Hey, doctor. He's looking better and better every day.

Keep up the good work.

You haven't told her yet, have you?

I'm working on it.

Carlos, I know you're scared, but give her some credit.

She's not gonna leave you because you lost your sight.

You don't know Gaby.

Thank god those cops let us off with a warning.

I was this close to my third strike.

I'm just glad we gave Ida what she wanted.

It's a beautiful thing you did.

Then why don't I feel better?

I don't know. Why don't you?

Because it wasn't enough, not compared to what she did for me.

She saved my kids.

She's this amazing woman, and I never bothered to get to know her, so, yeah, I sprinkled her ashes, but it would have been nice to do something before she was ashes.

That's a lesson we all gotta learn over and over...

Appreciate people while we still got 'em.


Third strike?

What were the first two?

It's a long story.

That requires a pitcher of beer and a dark bar.

I got time for that.

What are you still doing here?

I thought you found a motel room.

I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go.

I'm not leaving because you want me to.

I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you.

Oh, is that how we're gonna play this?

Fine. Whatever. You're leaving me.

Oh, yeah, and here's why.

You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you.

You told me it was all his fault, and now I find out it was yours.

We're about even in the betrayal department now.

In fact...

I think you win.

It had been seven days since a tornado devastated Wisteria Lane, and the residents continued to pick up the pieces of their lives.

Some salvaged precious friendships.

Some uncovered colorful histories.

Others found challenges they hadn't expected.

And then...

There was one girl...

Who stumbled upon the truth she'd long been searching for...

Only... to wish she hadn't.