Desperate Housewives S4E16 Script

The Gun Song (2008)

Previously on...

Adam was finished with Katherine...

Please get rid of that gum. But Dylan's father came back.

Bye, sweetheart. Bye, dad.

I tricked you into thinking Dylan was yours.

I finished that D.N.A. You wanted, and your suspect's not related to the victim at all.

Gaby and Carlos were forced to go to the police.

Are you sure it was cocaine? Carlos, I was a fashion model in the '90s. I know cocaine.

Just give me what I want... And Lynette...

Or you're not gonna like what happens.

...Was pushed to her breaking point.

Coffee mugs to the contrary, Lynette Scavo knew that she was not the world's greatest mother.

In fact, when it came to parenting, Lynette had done many things she was not proud of...

Like the time when she offered Parker cash if he agreed to eat all of his spinach...

Or when she told the twins there was treasure buried beneath the weeds...

Or when she gave her kids a little extra cough syrup so she could finish her novel.

But despite these lapses...

Lynette didn't think of herself as the worst mother in the world either, until one horrible day.

Since when do you make waffles?

Well, Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I wanted to do something nice for her.

Oh, you tell Kayla her breakfast is ready.

Hi. My name is fern Parrish.

This is my colleague, Irene Semanis.

We're from C.P.S. Uh, one sec. Preston, you might wanna stop dropping your waffle on the floor, 'cause I'm still gonna make you eat it.

So, uh, what's C.P.S.?

Children's protective services.

For what it's worth, I keep my floors incredibly clean.

Mrs. Scavo, we recently received a report of some abuse in your home.

Abuse? That's ridiculous.

Well, we got a call from a Dr. Joshua Dolan?

It seems he was contacted by your daughter Kayla.

Who says you hit her... Repeatedly.


First, I'm not that kind of mom.

And second, Kayla has a tendency to... exaggerate.

We also have a security tape from a clothing store.

It shows you slapping a young girl across the face.

We're assuming that's Kayla.

Have a seat. I'll be with you in a second.

Yes, Lynette Scavo was not the world's greatest mother.

But in her heart, she knew she had done the best she could...


What she had to work with.


It's how the French describe "a pretty one."


Coined by the ancient Greeks, it denotes "purity."


A Hebrew word meaning "god is my strength."


It's an Irish name that means "power."


Every name has a single specific meaning...

Which is why parents have trouble choosing one for someone who means everything to them.

What about "Philip"? I like "Philip."

Oh, I know you do.

I don't, and neither does the baby.

Philip? Oh, Phil?

See? Nothing. Not even a burp.

Here's a thought.

How about "Nathaniel"? All right, that's the fourth time you've tried to sneak "Nathaniel" past me.

I'm putting "Peyton" back on the table. I am not naming my son after a quarterback.

All right, here's the rest of my list.

Lucas. It sounds like "mucus."

Mitchum. Like the deodorant?


Oh, give me that.

Well, we need new inspiration.



I like it. Who is he?

He's a guy who...

"Killed six, then self."

Well, I give up.

He's not gonna get a name. When we want him to come, we'll just whistle and say, "here, boy."

Dr. Conner. Paging Dr. Conner.

Please call admitting. Conner.

I love it.

Me, too.

Oh, you finally have a name.

Dr. Conner Delfino.

Oh, hey. I'm going out to the mall.

You wanna come with?

Oh, no, thanks.

I gotta make sure my handyman gets his wiring done.

He screwed it up the last time.

You realize we could've had a fire?

Sorry, Mrs. Solis.

All right, then. See you later.

And... she's gone.

Great. Let's break into her room.

As soon I finish this, I'll start placing bugs in the other rooms.

Well, isn't her room enough?

She has a prepaid cell phone, so we can't tap it.

Our only hope at nailing her supplier is to record every conversation she has in this house.

Well, how long is that gonna take? We got a tip that she's expecting a delivery this week.

So it won't be long before miss Leonard learns the joys of a little girl-on-girl action in a prison shower.

Okay, first of all, you're a pig.

Second of all, don't say things like that. Ellie's my friend.

Yeah, well, your friend is a drug dealer, I.E., scum.

Hey! You don't even know her.

Okay, yes, she's made some bad choices, but deep down, she's a good person.

Yeah, well, deep down, I hope she rots in jail.

Okay, when this thing is over, let's not do the whole Christmas card thing.

Is that your husband? No, he's at braille school.


Oh, Ellie! Hey!

What the hell are you doing in my room?!

We weren't expecting you back so soon. I forgot my wallet.

Again, what the hell are you doing in my room?

Well, we needed some privacy. See, Roy and I are lovers.

You're having an affair with your handyman?

I know, it's crazy. You wouldn't believe the passion.

I mean, I was powerless to resist.

Just... just get out of my room.

Okay, okay. We're going.

That's for using your tongue.

Lots of people do missionary work, but few have the guts to smuggle bibles into North Korea.

It is my distinct pleasure to welcome back, after four long years...

Reverend Michael green.

Thank you for that glorious introduction, Joe.

Well, it's good to be back. Now if you'll all please stand and offer each other the lord's peace.

Peace be with you, Bree.

I reject your peace, and I demand you stop stalking me.

I'm doing no such thing.

Really? So I just happen to run into you at the dry cleaner, the greengrocer, the post office? We shared a life together.

It's only natural we'd frequent the same places. Oh, please. I saw you at my nail salon.

There's nothing in the Bible that says a man can't enjoy a nice pedicure. Orson, hear me when I say this. It's over.

You have done unconscionable things for which I can never forgive you, and no amount of flitting about in my peripheral vision is going to change that. But there must be something I can do.

You know I've repented. We... we can get past this.

I know no such thing. Now be quiet.

I'm done talking to you.

Bree, so nice to see you again. Peace be with you.

And also with you.

Do not give this man peace.

You shouldn't keep your doors unlocked, Kathy.

Why do you think they call 'em "crimes of opportunity"?

What do you want?

Dylan used to have a big old scar right here, and now it's gone.

I'm just curious how you would explain that.

Never too early to start drinking, is it?

She fell off her bike. 11 stitches. I remember.

I took her to a plastic surgeon in Chicago

'cause I didn't want her to feel self-conscious.

Well, that's pretty convenient.

What are you suggesting, Wayne?

Something's not right.

I felt it from the moment that I laid eyes on her.

I just don't see myself in her at all.

I told you. She's not yours.

Yeah, but I don't see you in her either.


Let's just settle this once and for all.

Take a D.N.A. Test. All I need is one strand of hair.

Knock, knock. Is this a bad time?

No, not at all. Great, because we are here to throw ourselves on your mercy.

We are having a commitment ceremony in five days, and our caterer just canceled. We know it's short notice.

Totally understand if you say no. Nonsense. I'd love to do it.

Why don't you have a seat, and we'll talk details?

I'm sorry. If... you're busy, we can come back later.

No, no. No, that's okay. You stay.

I'll come back later.

Lynette, I'm sorry.

When I'm told about a suspected case of child abuse, I am bound by law to report it.

Okay, so what happens now?

I'm just trying to help C.P.S. Finish their investigation.

They'll interview your kids, their teachers, possibly some of your neighbors.

My neighbors? God! I could strangle that girl.

Honey, you might wanna stop saying things like that.

Look, for the next few days, let Tom handle the kids.

Any other problems between you and Kayla could jeopardize custody of all your children.

Wait. They could take my children?

No one's taking anyone. You have got to be kidding me!

This is all a big misunderstanding.

I'm sure that we can work this out. So what do I need to do to keep my kids?

Well, there are a lot of things you can do.

First, no physical discipline...

Bob liked the idea of the onion and white asparagus tart.

Wonderful! With a little goat cheese.

Oh, and Lee asked for stuffed mushrooms.

Those with roasted green beans as our side dishes.

Nice tight grouping. You are not rusty at all.

Thank you. Felt good.

Although I always, uh, like a trip to the range, is there any particular reason we came here for party planning?

Well, with Adam gone, I've just been feeling a little... uneasy lately.

It's funny how having a man in the house can make you feel safer, no matter how retiring or easily spooked he might be.

That's true. I just need to feel that if an intruder broke in, I could take care of it... Effectively.

You really want to be effective?

Try hollow points.

These rounds you've got punch straight though, but a hollow point blooms on impact, cuts the body to shreds from the inside.

Sounds exactly like what I need.


Let's talk desserts.

I just got a call from my mom.

My grandpa died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I know how much you loved him.

Well, actually, I've been thinking about it.

I know we settled on "Conner," but I'd, uh, I'd like to name our son after my grandfather.


Well, yeah, um, I mean, "Conner" is just a name we picked out of thin air.

This would mean something. So you're okay with this?

I think it's a beautiful way to honor your grandfather.

I mean, "James" wouldn't be my first choice, but it's a good, solid name.

No, grandpa James is my dad's dad.

This is my mom's... Maynard.

Oh, right. Maynard.

Oh, that's awful...

That he died. Why didn't we think of this before?

It's such a beautiful southern name.

Oh, and rare, really rare.

And you're right. It's a great way to honor my grandfather.


I said that, didn't I?

Oh, shoot. We can't do it.

Isn't your grandpa James significantly older than grandpa Maynard?

Shouldn't we honor him first?

But grandpa James isn't dead.

You sure? It's worth a phone call.

Actually, I've got a cousin who's named after him already, so we're covered.

Thank you, Susan. This really means a lot.

I'm gonna go call my mom.


Forgive me.

Don't look at me like that. His grandfather just died.

Hey! Lunch is almost ready.

I'm making your favorite.

I take it you're still mad at me.

Well, yeah. I just don't get why you broke into my room.

Well, I couldn't risk doing it in my room.

Ever since Carlos went blind, he's developed a strong sense of smell.

I don't know if you happened to catch a whiff of Roy, but that is one telltale odor.

Well, that's another thing, you know?

What do you see in that guy?

Uh, you know, he's a handyman.

He knows how to...

Get in there... And make stuff work.

But he's a zero, and Carlos is so fantastic.

Don't you love him?

Of course I do.

Carlos Solis is the love of my life.

But, you know, sometimes you get bored, and a big, greasy, disgusting handyman really hits the spot.

Adam, what the... You scared me half to death.

Sorry. I let myself in.


Dylan told me Wayne's back.

Why didn't you call me? Because I'm handling it.

Yeah, she told me about the shooting range, too.

You sure that's the best way to handle it?

Adam, you made it very clear that you were done with me.

But I'm not done with Dylan, and if Wayne's back, then I'm gonna protect her.

So maybe I should pay him a little visit, scare him off.

If you'd ever met Wayne, you'd know better.

Well, then let's get Dylan out of town.

I tried. She said she's not leaving.

Well, I...

I promised her a trip for graduation, just the three of us, anywhere she wanted to go.


But what happens when the trip's over?

Won't we just be at square one again?

Not if we don't come back.

Oh, Susan. He's adorable.

He's so precious. So it's been two days now.

Did you and Mike finally land on a name?



Wow. Interesting.

It has a very distinct ring.

Okay, drop the act, ladies. I hate it, too.

Mike insisted that we name him after his dead grandfather. How did he die?

Was he beaten to death 'cause his name was Maynard?

I know. It's terrible, but I can't change it now.

Mike was so emotional about it. Well, then appeal to his sense of reason, because the name "Maynard" doesn't go with the name of "Delfino."

One is German and the other is Italian, and we all know what happens when those folks get together. Well, I'm not sure that the world war ii argument is gonna fly. Come on. You have to do something.

I mean, that name is practically abusive. Yeah, think about your son.

People live up to the names they're given.

If my parents hadn't named me "Gabrielle," who knows if I'd be this pretty? I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."

So sarcastic, but what would you expect from a "Lynette"?

What? If your name was "Francesca," you wouldn't have time for sarcasm.

You'd be too busy having sex on a Vespa. You're right. My son's future is at stake.

I have to do something. Maybe not. We call Gabrielle "Gaby." I mean, perhaps there's a shortened version of "Maynard" you could live with.

Yeah. Which says "kick my ass" less...

"may" or "nerd"?

What's going on?

Lynette Scavo, I'm placing you under arrest. What? Why? Wh... for what?

Kayla showed us the burn Mark on her arm.

Burn Mark? What burn Mark? You see? She doesn't know anything about this.

Okay, sir. That's enough. Now please, if we could just go back and talk about this...

Sir, enough! Ma'am, you're gonna have to come with us. Oh! Tom.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go call the attorney. I... okay. Look, look, I-I will come with you.

Please, just don't handcuff me in front of my children. Well, you should have thought of that before you hurt one of them. Lynette Scavo, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning.

If you do not have one, we will appoint one for you.

Well, I'd... I'd be delighted to speak to them, Bree.

Perhaps I can tell 'em the story about the time I evaded the North Korean border patrol by hiding in a pile of oxen dung.

They'll love that.

This is gonna be the best seniors' brunch ever.

I'm so glad you're back.

Between you and me, reverend Sykes tended to pander to the congregation's progressive element.

I prefer your more muscular brand of Christianity.

Well, thank you, Bree. Hmm.

I thought of you also.

I'm so sorry to hear about Rex's passing, but I understand that you remarried.

I did, but, um, I'm afraid it hasn't worked out.

It's been rough.

For what it's worth, I know how you feel.

When Carolyn left me, the loneliness was crippling.

I didn't know she left you.

Yes, for our Korean grocer.

I'll tell you, sometimes this merciful god of ours has one sick sense of humor.

Cartman, table for 4, 7:30.

See you then. Table for one? Yes.


Is everything all right?

Oh, this is a bit awkward, but my soon-to-be ex just walked in.

He's been following me everywhere. For ace, 8:30 P.M. all right.

Would you mind terribly if I took your hand?

Maybe that way, he'll finally get the idea that I've moved on.

My hand is at your service.

Right this way, sir.

Will you be needing a wine list?


Actually, I...

Think I'll be needing a new restaurant.

Ah, it worked.

Thank you for that.

It was my pleasure.

The bail bondsman said he has to run a credit check, then he'll wire the money. So after you've been processed, you can leave.

And go where?

I can't get within 500 feet of my children.

Are you not up to speed on the people vs. Lynette Scavo?

We'll figure something out.

Mrs. Scavo, it's time to go.

No, you'll figure something out.

I have to go back to my cell.

Honey, I am so sorry about this. Look it, just hang in there.

It's only gonna be a couple more hours at the most.

How can you talk like that?

What else has to happen for you to get what's going on here?

I do get it.

But Kayla's my daughter, so I'm trying to deal with this in a way that protects our family.

No, you are trying to stay on the fence while I fight to stop Kayla from destroying us.

But look around you, Tom. Look where I am!

You have got to do something now.

Fix this.

Well, thank you for a lovely evening, Bree.

Oh. You know, it's funny. I don't think I'll be able to look at you as just another parishioner anymore.

Now, now. We mustn't play favorites, although I will take that as a compliment.

Well, take this as a compliment as well.

Your eyes glimmer like the Yalu river on a moonlit night.


How, um, colorfully put.

What does that mean?

I want you.

Reverend green!

When you took my hand in that restaurant, I could feel the electricity, and I know you felt it, too. No, I told you.

I was only trying to send a message to my ex.

Oh, please. There's always been sexual tension between us, ever since palm Sunday 1996, when we both reached for the same frond.


Bree, if I took no for an answer, Kangwon province would still have 242 unsaved souls.



Oh! Aah! Oh.

Well, now you're sending out mixed signals.

Then let me send you a clear one.

I am not attracted to you.

Oh. Oh, nice. First, you use me, then you reject me, and now you're insulting me?

Maybe you should go now, Mrs. Hodge.

Oh, reverend green, please don't be upset.



Ellie, can you help me for a sec?

Sure. What's... oh.

I spilled my milk again.

Don't worry. I'll clean it up.

God, I'm so sick of knocking crap over.

I don't know how Gaby puts up with me. She's a Saint.

Yeah, well...

"Well," what?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, whore!

Excuse me?

I know all about your affair with the handyman.

Ellie told me everything.

That little snitch.

I can't believe she did that!

Well, thanks for letting me know.

Uh, hello?

Are we even gonna talk about this?

Yeah, the second that bitch gets home, I'm gonna let her have it.

Boy, you trust someone, and they just betray you.

It sucks, you know?

Yeah, I know! Gaby, you cheated and you got caught.

Now will you please hand me a plate so I can smash it against the wall? Oh, you moron! There was no affair!

That was the cop. Ellie caught us putting the bug in her room.

That was just an excuse we used as a cover.

And you expect me to believe that?

I got news for you, Carlos. You're blind.

You don't have a choice anymore.

You have to believe what I tell you.

Just like when I hand you the deodorant, you have to believe it's not oven cleaner.

I know it's not fair. I know it gives me absolute power, but tough. You're screwed. Deal with it!

Are we good?


Thank you. Now please, I just lost a friend.

Stop being so insensitive.

Pastor Joe.

I noticed that there are no programs. Oh, yes.

Reverend green decided to change today's scripture reading.

It's going to be Colossians 3:5.

Oh, he wants to talk about sexual promiscuity?

Well, it was a last minute thing.

He came in this morning muttering about some "redheaded harlot" in our midst who needs to be unmasked.

I don't know. I was just so relieved he was off the Koreans, I didn't ask questions. Excuse me a minute.

Oh. Hello.

Sorry. I know this is a bad time.

Aren't you Bree Hodge's ex-husband?

No, I'm her current husband, and I need to speak to you about today's sermon.

They're a little late getting started.

I know, and reverend green is usually such a stickler for punctuality.

Well, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think my sermon is any of your business.

Let me put it this way.

If you say anything about Bree, you and I are gonna have a problem.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I think it's my duty as pastor to warn my flock when a temptress sits among us.

Now if you'll excuse me.

What the hell's the matter with you?

I'm not going to let you go out there and trash that good woman's name. "Good woman"? She led me on.

Who are they talking about?

She's a flame-haired Jezebel!

You're insane! She is the most moral person I know!

I have no idea. Now if you'll please excuse me. Would a moral person lead a man on and then humiliate him? I don't care what she did to you.

I am not going to let you publicly declare that Bree Hodge is a slut! Oh, dear lord.

Then again, I suppose i could preach about tolerance today.



Hello, Maynard.

I love you, Maynard.

My sweet little... may may.



Hello. I need to change the name on my baby's birth certificate.

Okay, last name? Delfino, Maynard.

Where's the father? You both need to sign this.

Oh. Working. Busy, busy, busy.

Uh, but he told me to tell you that he's totally cool with it.

Well, I'm busy, busy, busy, too.

So when he's available, you can come on back, and we'll make the change.




I'm just gonna level with you.

My husband picked the name, and I think it's horrible, and I know over time, he's gonna agree.

I don't care. Rules are rules.

You gotta help me out here.

I'm just trying to protect my child.

I don't want him to go through life saddled with the name "Maynard." I don't see what the big deal is.

Well, of course, you don't. You're Vanessa.

You went through life with a beautiful name.

That's why you have such a crackerjack personality.

I think we're done here.

I have a couple errands to run. Will you cover for me?

No problem. Thanks, Griselda.


That must have been a tough name to take out on the playground.


Actually, it was.

We should talk.

Hi. I'm, uh, here to check on Orson Hodge.

An ambulance brought him in less than an hour ago.

Are you family?

I'm his wife.

Well, he's going to be fine.

There's no concussion, but the doctors do wanna keep him here for a couple of hours.

Should I tell him that you're here?

No, that's all right. Let him rest.

But please take excellent care of him.

He's a good man.

Gaby, can I talk to you?

About how you snitched on me to Carlos?

No, thanks. I'm all caught up on that.

I'm sorry, but I know from experience what cheating can do to people.

Let me guess. This story ends with you throwing your boyfriend's varsity jacket in the lake?

When I was 13, my dad caught my mom having an affair, and he walked out on us.


We had nothing, okay? My mom went crazy, and I ended up on the street.

To survive, I-I had to do a bunch of stuff that I'm not proud of.

Oh, Ellie, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

What have we got here?

That's our guy.

The point is, the one bad decision can mess up a lot of lives, and I just don't want that to happen to you and Carlos

'cause I love you guys.


Supplier's coming your way.

We're gonna arrest them both, so get out of there now.

Okay. Bye.

Anyway, I didn't mean to get into a whole thing.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

The cops are coming. Go.


Police! Drop the bag! Drop the bag!

Hands behind your head. It's a sting.

Go out the back now.

Adam! Mom said you were coming tonight.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world... Oh.

So you better be on your "a" game. Okay.

And we're all going out to dinner afterwards.

Adam wants to tell you about your graduation present. What? What is it?

No, no, no. You gotta wait, but I'll give you a clue.

I hope your passport's up-to-date.

Yeah, no. It's... it's okay, Andrew.

You can, uh, you can just...

You can finish it in the morning.

Great. See ya. Bye.

Need some help with that?

I didn't think you liked puzzles.

Hmm. I can give it a shot.

I need to talk to you...

About Lynette.

I'm sorry I had to call Dr. Dolan, daddy, but she scares me.


You said that before, but here's the thing.

They're gonna let Lynette go soon, and when they do, you guys aren't gonna be able to live in the same house anymore.

You... you know that, right?

So where is she gonna live?

Like, in a hotel or something?

She lives here, Kayla, with me and the boys and penny.

This is her home.


But don't worry. We're gonna find you a nice place to live.

Daddy, I don't wanna go anywhere.

I wanna stay here with you.

I don't have a choice, Kayla. I need to keep you safe.

But I made it all up.

I lied about everything.

I burned myself.

And why would you do that, Kayla?

I hate her.

And it's so much better when it's just us.

I see. And you'll explain all this to the police and Dr. Dolan and everybody, right?

Yes, I promise. And then I can stay, right?

No, sweetie. No.

What you did was horrible, and I can't trust you anymore.

Then I'm gonna keep lying to everybody.

You don't want that, do you?

Did you get all that, Dr. Dolan?

I'm gonna go stretch my legs and check my service real quick.

Okay, but intermission's only ten minutes.


Excuse me. Could you give me a hand?

What's up? Nail in my tire. I gotta change it now

'cause I need to leave after my daughter's solo.

I'm... I'm catching a red-eye. Yeah, sure. I can help.

Oh, thanks. I'm right over here.

Wow, this thing's really flat.

Usually with a nail, you get a slow leak.

Yeah. I'm lucky I even made it here.

Well, I got this.

You grab the spare.

My daughter's the one that plays the cello.

Which one is your daughter?

That's the other thing I need your help with.

Oh, honey, can you get all my toiletries out of the bathroom?

What are those?

Well, it's cute, aren't they? It's a hospital tradition.

Get them out of here now.

Why? Because my husband is terrified of balloons.

He was once molested by a clown.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, I got it.

What's going on?

I'm sorry, sir. We didn't know about the clown.

Why does that say "Conner"? Is that what it said?

We had "Maynard" ones printed up, but Mrs. Delfino... Shh!

Went to the records office...

Susan... what's going on?


I hate the name "Maynard."

Really? I like it... get out.


I'm sorry. I...

I just want our kid to have a great name.

I don't think "Maynard" is great.

You wanna know what is great?

My grandfather...

Started the first integrated elementary school in Tennessee.

And you know what else is great?

When my dad went to prison, the state wanted to put me in the system.

My grandfather wouldn't let 'em.

He took in my mom and me and sacrificed everything just to make sure we had a great life.


I didn't know about that.

Susan, I don't want to just give our son a name.

I want to give him someone to live up to.



Let's hope he's worthy.

Well, that part's up to us.

Well, that's all of her things.

Well, we should probably get going, hmm?

We found a hotel with a pool for tonight.

Maybe you and grandpa can go swimming.

Sheila, can I talk to her for a sec?

Honey, I know this is hard on you.

But I'm gonna come visit you at grandpa and grandma's all the time.

So it's not like it's good-bye forever.


I'm sorry how everything turned out.

No, you're not.

Okay, then.

I love you, baby.

Have a safe trip.

Daddy! I'm sorry!

Daddy, I'm sorry! Please!

Daddy! Please!

What's in a name?

Do the labels we attach to people tell us everything we need to know?

If we say she's just a child, does this mean she's truly innocent?

Does calling her a drug dealer prove she's purely evil?

Will a man known as "preacher" always practice what he preaches?

Can a man branded a villain possess the qualities of a hero?

The truth is, a name can never really tell you who someone is...

Who are you?

Any more than it can tell you what they're capable of.

I'm Wayne Davis...

And we're about to have some fun.