Desperate Housewives S4E3 Script

The Game (2007)

Previously on...

Bree discovered a family secret.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Lynette struggled with chemotherapy...

While Susan took joy in being pregnant...

I'm eating for two.

The biggest obstacle to Carlos and Gaby...

The I.R.S. Could make me testify against you.

Was the promise Edie forced Carlos to make. We're engaged.

I really did care for Edie, but I can't let her ruin my life.

Trevor! Over here!

All children love to play games.

But before they can race their bikes or jump their ropes or toss their frisbees, children understand they must first convince their friends to play along with them.

The same is true for adults.

Hi, Gaby. It's me.

I'm throwing a party Saturday night.

Guess what kind?

A charades party?

Didn't you just throw one? No, that was a year ago.

Oh. Right. Guess it's time for another one.

Sure is. Can you come?

Um... sorry.

Victor needs me at this... political thing.

Damn. Damn, damn.

Aw! You have to come.

You're the best charades player I know.

That's sweet.. And totally accurate.

But I'm really whipped from the chemo, so...

Oh, there's my other line.

Can you ask me next time, okay, hon? Okay, bye.


Oh, hey, Bree. Mm, what's up?

Well, I stopped by Katherine's last night just to get a recipe, and you'll never believe what I overheard.

She slapped her kid?! No!

Yes, and get this...

When Adam said Dylan was just going to keep asking questions, Katherine said... and I quote...

"well, we're just gonna have to find better lies."

Qoh, hang on. I've got another call. Don't answer it!

It's Susan. She's hosting another game night.

Another one? It's time for an anonymous letter.

Wait... is Katherine going to Susan's charade night?

Probably. Why?

We should go, too.

Get a few drinks in her, see if she loosens up.

Well, I doubt a woman like Katherine is gonna spill her secrets just because she's had a little wine. I don't know.

You came out with some interesting things before you swore off the sauce. Well, none that I recall.

Didn't you tell me you lost your virginity in the back seat of a... point well taken. I'll bring the wine.

Susan, good news.

We can come to the party after all.

Hey, you know who else you should invite?

Yeah, I am feeling much better, so count me in.

Will our new neighbor be coming?

Of course! I love your charades parties.

And I hope you're inviting that delightful Katherine Mayfair.

So you were paid a very nice compliment today.

I was? Yes.

I am hosting a charades party, and all of my friends went out their way to insist I invite you. Really?


Yes, not all adults like to play games.

But the ones who do...

Play to win.

Stella Wingfield hated to cook.

Still, she spent that Friday morning grating cheese...

And greasing a pan...

And laying in macaroni because her eldest daughter was sick, and Stella could no longer sit by and do nothing.


Oh. No, thanks.

Oh, come on. I made it for you special.

You've gotta keep your strength up.

I appreciate the effort, but I told you, I can't keep anything down, and f.Y.I., Mac and cheese is halfway to vomit.

You might as well have given me a plate of creamed corn.

Aren't you taking the anti-nausea drug?

Yeah, I am taking it.

It's just... not working.

Oh. Well, um...

I know something that might help your nausea andboost your appetite.

Um... perhaps a little visit from my old friend...

Mary Jane?

You're suggesting pot?

A lot of chemo patients use it. Hell, I did.


Oh, come on.

Let mama score you some kick-ass chronic.

"Kick-ass chronic"?

Uh-huh. You're a grandmother.

Shouldn't you be off somewhere knitting an Afghan?

Just trying to ease your pain.

Well, thanks, but I prefer not to get my medication from some guy under a bridge.

Suit yourself.


What's this?

A crib.

Oh, and look...

Safety latch.

I figured if the baby takes after you, "accident-proof" is key.

Honey, you know, I'm still in my first trimester.

Um, don't you think it's a little early to be making cribs?

Early would be painting it pink or blue.


I got both, so we're covered either way.


And whether it's a boy or a girl, colts fan. That'snon-negotiable.


Um, Bree's home. I'll be right back.

Look sharp. It's Susan.

God, it's getting harder and harder to keep her at arm's length.

I never knew she was such a hugger.

You want me to run interference? No, no. I'm getting good at props.

Yeah? Good.

Hey, Susan! What's up?

I need a favor.

Um, I remember you mentioning that you liked your obstetrician.

Can I get his number?

I thought you were using Dr. Mayfair.

Yeah, I don't know. It's getting a little weird.

You know, Adam is my neighbor.

But you don't mind Orson being your dentist.

Well, that's because I don't blush when Orson says, "open wide."

You know, my o.B. Is all the way across town.

You just do not want to drive that far.

Oh, well, we could schedule our appointments together and carpool.

You know... Pregnant gals on the road.

It does sound fun, but I don't think my doctor's taking on any new patients.

Oh, I can talk him into it. What's his name?

I, um...

Don't remember.

You don't remember?

No. You know, I usually just call him "doctor."

Bree, just get me the number.


Here you go, but please don't mention my name.

As I said, you know, he's overbooked, and I just don't want to get on his bad side.

I'm so excited. Pregnant gals sharing a doctor!


Oh, bless you. Oh! Sorry, probably just allergies, but, you know, you don't want to take any chances.



Can I get a drink?

Yeah, sure.

By the way, you missed a spot.

Oh, thanks.


I'd say the car is clean enough.


You two seemed awfully friendly. Do you know her?

No. We said two words. She criticized my car washing. Hmm. It's funny.

When I criticize you, you don't put on a big, goofy grin.

You really need to stop this.

Given our history, shouldn't I be saying that to you?

Katherine, I can't just not speak to women.

I'm a gynecologist, for god's sake.

Yes, I know.

But you don't have to bring your work home with you.

You leaving already?

Ah, Edie asked me to help her pick out a gift for her sister, so I gotta swing by the mall.

When can I see you next?

Well, Victor has a teachers' union thing on Thursday.

Guess I'll see you on Thursday.

Carlos, what's happening here?

I mean, with us. Why are we still sneaking around?

You know exactly why.

Oh, come on. Edie's recovered from her little suicide attempt.

Don't you think it's time to move on? I've got some things going on, and I need them to pay off before I can make a move.

Really, I don't have a choice.

Okay, but if you did have a choice, would it be a hard one?

I mean, it's not like you're in love with Edie, is it? No, I don't love Edie.

And I've got a plan to get her out of my life forever.

Just give me two weeks, okay?

A bracelet's always nice.

For Edie's sister.

Good idea.

Here's the thing... My daughter has cancer.

She's so nauseous, she's stopped eating, and I can't just stand by and watch her waste away.

So I asked around, and people thought you might be able to get me what I need.

You follow my drift?

Um... yeah.

You... you want me to score you some weed.

The best stuff you can get.

Nothing's too good for my little girl.

Darling? What is it?

Well, I don't want you to worry.

I-I just got off the phone with the convent.

It seems Danielle took a little spill.

You're 8 1/2 months pregnant!

What in heaven's name were you doing roller-blading?

I'm bored. All I do is lay around.

In your condition, that's what you should be doing.

And where on earth did you get skates in a convent?

I borrowed them from one of the eating disorder girls.

They have all the good exercise equipment.

Danielle, what if your reckless behavior had hurt the baby?

They're going to examine me. I'm sure the baby's fine.

Yes, and it is going to stay that way because I have instructed sister Theresa to keep you sequestered in your room until the baby is born. What am I supposed to do for fun?

You won't even get me a DVD player.

Well, I was hoping that you could use these last few weeks for reflection and personal growth.

I hate you.

Clearly, it would be time well spent.

How was the lasagne?

Why don't you ask it yourself?

Honey. Sorry.

At least eat a little.

We need you in fighting form for charades tonight.

Yeah, about that... I don't think I'm gonna make it.

You have to! You are the charades assassin.

They still talk about the night that you guessed

"the americanization of Emily" in 15 seconds.


And that's my point. I'm undefeated.

Why spoil my winning streak by playing when I'm not up to it?

Honey, people... Know that you're sick.

They don't expect you to be at your absolute best.

Tom, hair loss and constant nausea...

Those are inconveniences.

Losing at charades to Susan meyer...

That is just flat-out intolerable.

Hey, Andrew. Hey.

What's up? Hey, Mr. Scavo, um, a package for Lynette's mom got delivered to our house by mistake, so... Oh! I'm coming. I've got it, Tom.

It's a pattern. I'm... Knitting Lynette an Afghan.

A friend of mine recommended this place.

It's not exactly what I expected.

Must be one heck of a doctor, though, huh?

I don't know. I just come here to buy clean urine.


Those are only for grown-ups. Why?

Because that have special medicine in them.

Like the grown-up iced tea you always drink?

Similar. How about some ice cream instead?

And you can watch TV till your eyes fall out.

Yeah! Awesome.


Grandma needs a favor, and you've got just the face for it.

Wow, sweetie. Those really look delicious, but I just don't feel like eating right now.

Just one, mom?

I made them special...

Just for you.

Mmm. This really is delicious.

Now if there's an emergency, you can reach me on my cell phone.

Or they can just walk across the street.

Have fun, girls. Don't do anything I would do.

Adam seems really laid-back.

Yeah, he's pretty cool.

Of course, everyone seems cool compared to robo-mom.

Hey, you never told me.

What happened when you asked her about your real dad?

She freaked out, just like I thought.

She wouldn't tell me anything.


There are other ways to find things out.

Does your mom keep any old papers?

You know, letters, diaries?

Not that she shows me.

There's stuff in the storage room upstairs, but it's locked, so forget about it.

What kind of lock is it?

Oh, come on in. I was hoping you were Susan.

She's not here?

No, and she's not answering her cell phone. Where is she?

Well, she had an appointment with this new obstetrician over on river street, but she should be here by now.

Why would she see a doctor over there?

That's a terrible neighborhood. It is?

Yes. Don't you remember?

That's where they murdered those two prostitutes last year.

We should help Mike with the food.

Knock, knock. We're here.

Oh, good!

Katherine, I was hoping we'd get a chance to chat.

Open this now.

Ugh. Susan's parties are always such a snoozefest.

The only thing people will be miming is

"get me the hell out of here."

Aren't you a little overdressed for charades?

Oh, I thought that I'd look nice, just in case we decided to...

Oh, I don't know... Announce our engagement?

We're not announcing anything.

It's Susan and Mike's party.

I do not want to make it all about us.

You're right, darling.

I may drop a few hints, though.

Edie, let me be clear on this.

You are not to tell anyone about our engagement, got it?

Fine. I won't say a word.

Oh, this is fantastic.

You know Edward ferber? State senator?


His wife just got picked up for shoplifting.

Why is that fantastic?

He was making noises about going against me for governor.

I guess the light-fingered Mrs. Ferber just put an end to that.

Why? It's not like heshoplifted.

It doesn't matter. It's a scandal.

You know what they do to poll numbers. Oh, that's right.

I was reading about that in "politics is boring" magazine.

I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you pulling crap like that. Yeah, you're lucky.

So where's Lynette?

She's usually your charades m.V.P.

Ah, she wasn't feeling so well, but, uh, you are still going down, mister.

It's just a game, Tom...

A game you wish you never played.

So much work...


Oh, hi, Gaby.

Katherine and I were just talking about the old days.

So when you were living with your aunt, was Dylan's father with you? No, just me and Dylan.

Were you widowed or divorced?

Actually, I prefer not to discuss my first marriage...

If you don't mind.

Oh. Well, we certainly didn't mean to pry.

Let me just tidge that up for you.

Hello, all.

Ah, it's so nice to see you.

Some wine?

Oh, no.

Oh, my contact slipped.

Edie, is that an engagement ring?

Oh! Uh, shoot. Pretend you didn't see that.

I promised my fiancé that I wouldn't say a word until the official announcement.

Excuse me.

Gaby! Sorry I'm late.

Oh, my god! You made it.

That is such a beautiful dress. We're gonna have so much fun.

You... come with me.

She's got a ring! What?

Edie... she's wearing a big, honkin' engagement ring the size of a peach pit. Hey, I didn't get her a ring!

Oh, so you're not engaged? Well, see, here's the thing...

Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Let me explain!

No, no, no. I am done with your explanations, and I am done with "just give me two more weeks, baby."

Whatever games you're playing, I'm sick of it. We're through.

So you're just gonna go and live happily ever after with Victor, huh?

You think Victor's my only option?

Well, I got news for you, Carlos.

I can have any guy I want, becausethis...

Waits for no man.

You bought yourself an engagement ring?

It's been three days, Carlos. How long was I supposed to wait?

You agreed not to say anything.

Ah, but I didn't agree not towearanything.

Don't worry. It wasn't expensive.

You can pay me back later.

Count on it.

And the whole time, I just kept thinking, this is Bree's doctor.

Breerecommended him.

He must be the best.

So I didn't worry when it was between a needle exchange and the area's only transvestite bookstore.

And I ignored that my shoes stuck to the floor and there was a cigarette machine in the waiting room, but when I saw the ant traps on his speculum tray, I thought that you and I should have a talk.

Oh, Susan, I am so sorry, and, of course, I will pay for the slashed tire and the stolen cell phone. That is not the point!

Why would you send me to somebody who is obviously not your doctor?

I can't tell you.

Why not?

Uh... it's private.

You know what else is private?

The parts of me that I'm pretty sure he snapped with his camera phone.

I have a party to throw. I will deal with you later.


Look, al, she is totally out of control.

I need her taken care of.

Fine. I'll see what I can do.

I promised my fiancé that I wouldn't say a word until the official announcement.

Adam, I feel the tag of my dress sticking out, and I can't reach it. Do you mind?

Oh, sure.

There you go.

Ooh! I think I got a chill.

Now let me see if I can giveyouone. Oh, yeah, it worked.

We haven't been here an hour, and you're already humiliating me? Are we really having this conversation again?

Oh, I guess you learned nothing from Chicago.

For god sake, I was not flirting.

She asked me to fix her dress. Yeah. I saw your face.

I could tell what a chore it was for you. You know what?

I think I'm a little behind you in the alcohol department.

Let me go catch up.

I'm sorry.

I, uh, didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you really shouldn't take this out on Adam.

Gabrielle has a little bit of a reputation, if you know what I mean.

No, I don't.

But I'd certainly like to.

Okay, everybody, let the games begin.

Um, okay. I will be team captain one.

Who wants to be captain number two?

I'll do it. Great.

Okay, you pick first.

Oh, okay.

I will pick Adam.


I pick Lynette. Where's Lynette?

Uh, she really wanted to be here.

She's just feeling too sick to party.

That's funny, isn't it?

Are you kidding? It's genius. He's a sponge, but he talks!

Well, looks like somebody is feeling a little better.

Yeah. I guess that anti-nausea medicine finally kicked in.

That must be it.

Orson. Carlos.

Um... Husband in the room?

Honey, I love you, but I wanna win.

You should pick Edie.


The woman just tried to commit suicide.

Don't make her last pick. She's still fragile.

Good point. Mike!

Yes! Let's get started.

No, no! Wait, wait, wait. Gaby, you know how it works.

Okay, first, I have to go over all the signals.

Okay, so, um, this is "movie," um, "TV"...

Where did you learn to do this?

When you live with a mother who constantly locks herself out, you develop certain skills.

I don't know. Maybe this is a sign we should stop.

What were you saying about signs?

"A whole concept," "person," um, let's see.

"Shakespeare," "book," and then if you do the signal for "book" and you touch your heart, then that's "poem."

Okay, when has anyone ever used a poem as a clue? Yeah, come on. Let's play.

Let's play!

Yeah! Let's play!

Hey, honey! You made it. Ha! Dibs on Lynette! She's on my team!

That's not fair. She's like the charades ninja.

That's me! The ninja! Whaa-ya! Whaa!


I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

Okay. Okay! I'm ready.

Okay, go. Shoe.

Sock. Working out.

Black. Sole.

Itch. Itch. Scratch. Oh. Aah.

A blister. Ha!

Sounds like "blister." Sister. Kissed her.

"Two mules for sister Sara"!

Okay, 22 seconds. Lynette, you're up. Come on, babe.

We're 40 seconds down. We need you to make that time up.

Who do you think you're talking to? Right on.

All right. Whoo!

Ready? Get set... go.


Honey, clock's ticking.

I know. Just, this is a really hard one.

Okay, come on, come on. What is... what is it?

Is it a book? Is it a movie? Movie. It's a western.

No talking. Sorry.

Honey, start with the first word.

How many syllables?

Ugh. One word.

Sweetie, act it out. You're really good at that.

Okay, okay. Whole idea.

Me. Edie.

Woman. Blonde. Bleach!




"Hang 'em high"?

Yes! Yes!


Okay. Well, I think it's time for a break.

Good idea. Yeah.

You feeling okay?

'Cause you're... acting kinda spacey.

Yeah, no, I'm good.

Hey, do you think they have any grapes or lobster?

Why... why don't I go get you some coffee, hon?

Uh, um, Orson? Hmm?

Hey, um, there's a phone call for you at the house.

You should probably take it.

Uh, thanks. Yeah.

Hi. Hello.


Oh, Tom.

Stella, what... What are you doing here?

Uh... I made some brownies earlier, and I just... noticed they were missing.

Uh... Lynette didn't bring them here, did she?

Why? Is that a problem?

It's like chocolate love. Oh!

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Sorry, uh, don't eat those. Don't eat those. Sorry.

Uh, no! Ooh. Bad batch. Bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Whoa. Sorry. Full of trans fats.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Tom, watch it! I am sorry.

Oh, here. Oh. Let me get that.

Thank you. Oh, god. Okay.

It's a little cold.

Sorry. It's all right.

Would it be too much to ask you to keep your hands off my husband?

What? I spilled my drink on him.

And you're trying to make up for it by breast-feeding him?

Uh, Katherine?

Look, lady, you need to calm down.

You're getting a reputation around here for having a stick up your ass.

Better that reputation than the one you're toting around. What do you mean by that?

Okay, back to charades. Never mind. Forget it.

Oh, no, no. Tell me. What's my "reputation"?

Am I smug and holier-than-thou?

Oh, no, wait. That's you.

Let me be specific.

By "reputation," I mean that you are the kind of woman that treats a man like a plaything, whether it's my husband or let's say... your teenage gardener?

Bree saw you slap your daughter.

Excuse me?


Yeah, she asked about her father and then you smacked her.

Why'd you do that?

This is the last thing that I will ever say to you.

Yes, I lost my temper with Dylan, but her father is a horrible man.

I want you to imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter.

What was I supposed to tell Dylan about that, hmm?

I hope that satisfies everyone's curiosity.

Oh, my god.

"Hang 'em high" has three syllables.

I guess you... saw what happened down there.


Look, it was a long time ago, and... and it didn't mean anything.

How many people know about this?

Now or before tonight?

How many?

Look, I know you're upset. I'm not upset.

I'm just trying to work out how to spin this.

Clearly, the boy was underage.

Do you think money would shut him up?

Victor, really, I don't think it's a big deal.

Hmm. That's because you're not me.

Okay, you've got to remember this.

This is bodsworth. You took him everywhere.

No, I think I'd remember a bear that ugly.

Well, clearly, it's yours.

Your mom kept it all these years, and he's here in your old room.

Wait. This was my old room? My mom told me I'm in my old room down the hall.

No, this was your room. What are you talking about?

Evening, girls.

Hey. How was the party?

It was lovely.

I think your mother would like you home to help clean up.

I'm sorry, mom.

It's okay, sweetie.

But I don't want you seeing that girl anymore.

Orson, honey, where have you been?

We got a call from Danielle's doctor.

Apparently, her fall caused a placental abruption, where the placenta separates from the uterus. Oh, my god.

Now they said not to panic. There are degrees of this.

They're doing a sonogram, then they're gonna call us.

I can't wait that long. I have to be with her.

Okay. I'll get your purse. Hmm?

What do you think you're doing? You can't leave yet.

Something's come up. We'll talk tomorrow.

No, we'll talk now.

You still owe me an explanation for that scuzzy gyno you sent me to. I said I was sorry. For god sakes, Susan, not everything is about you.

Oh, I know this night has been a complete disaster, but all in all, it's still your best party ever.

I'm confused.

Ow! Now I'm confused, and my head hurts.

That's for letting Edie think you're engaged. And the kiss?

When you saw me flirting, you smashed a glass.

When Victor heard I had an affair, he started crunching poll numbers.

I need a man who cares enough to explode when he thinks he's gonna lose me.

I don't just love you. Ilovethewayyou love me.

So we're back on?

See you Thursday.

Al, what have you got for me?

I think I found a way to make this happen, but it might take a week or two to line everything up.


I'll call you when it's done. Shirley?

Can you make some copies of the britt file?


Seen Gaby?

Uh, yeah, in the bathroom upstairs.

Tell me something.

When you found out that kid who you were paying to mow your lawn was doing your wife, how did you not kill him?

Well, I wanted to at first, but...

Hey, we're all human, right? We gotta forgive and forget.

You're a very understanding man.

If she pulled something like that on me, that guy wouldn't be around for long.

Yeah, but no woman's worth going to jail for, right?

If you have enough money, it's not that hard to make someone disappear.

Let's go, honey.

Night, Carlos.

Darling, what are you doing?

I have to bring this DVD player to Danielle.

Honey, we really have to go.

It'll just take a few seconds. These damn cords...

Sweetheart, it's a long drive. It's the only thing she asked for.

Yes. Hello?

Hello, doctor.

How is she?

Thank god.

Oh, my god.

It's gonna be okay.

Kids are all tucked in.

They're sleeping like angels.

Great. Did you put quaaludes in their cocoa?

Could you check on 'em for me, please?

So how was the party?

You drugged me.

Oh. Just a little.

What is wrong with you?

I told you, I didn't want any pot.

Before you slap me around, let me ask you something.

Do you feel better?

That's not the point.

And what were you thinking, using my son as a drug mule?

He didn't know what was going on, and why are you making such a big deal about it?

Let me askyousomething.

Do you remember what I wore to the junior prom or what part I had in the play that year?

Who remembers that stuff?

Parents who weren't stoned.

My whole childhood passed in a blur becauseyouwere medicating yourself...

Pot when you were sick, booze when you weren't.

I am not going to do that.

I won't miss a second of my kids' lives, not if I can avoid it.

Well, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not.

You're a mom. You know, there's nothing worse than watching your kids suffer, and seeing you... Act all goofy, watching that cartoon, well...

It was probably the high point of my trip.

I get it.

But if you ever pull something like this again...

I won't.

Okay. Well...

I think I'll turn in.



Junior year, you were yenta in "Fiddler on the roof."

You remembered.

Yeah. There are some performances so bad, even alcohol can't block them out.


Can we call a truce, please?

So you know I'm not bluffing, um, I brought cake.

I am so sorry that I snapped at you tonight.

It's okay.

I just wanna know what's going on.

Ever since you've been pregnant, there's been this wall between us.

It's like something's changed, and I don't know why.

Did I do something to offend you?

It's not about you.

I've just been going through some things.

Like what? I mean, come on. Just tell me.

We share everything.

Okay. Um...

I haven't told anybody this, but...

It's, uh, about the baby.

There have been some complications.

Oh, no.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine, but, uh, there was just a time where I thought I might lose it.

Oh, my god. And there I was, just bugging you about your doctor.

I am so sorry. You should've just told me.

No, you're pregnant, too.

I'm not gonna tell you anything that's gonna worry you.

Oh, are you kidding?

It's the first baby I've had in 17 years.

You know, I could not possibly be more freaked out. Mm.

This morning, I caught Mike building a crib.

No. This early?

Yeah! I-I wanted to scream.

You know, are you nuts? Do you just wanna jinx it?

This is what we get for having kids at our age...

Anxiety, terror.

It's just gonna get worse.

Do you know, when our babies go to college, we'll be like...


If we're lucky.


Look at us.

Pregnant gals, eating cake and bitchin'.

It's kinda nice, huh?

It really is.

What are you doing?

The hospital called. My aunt's ready to come home.

And you want her to stay in here?

Yeah. I think making this room off-limits was a mistake.

If I want Dylan to focus on other things, I really need to make it less intriguing.

Speaking of intriguing, what were you thinking last night?


Come on. "The worst thing a father could do"?

You realize what people are gonna think.

Yeah. They're gonna be very uncomfortable, and uncomfortable people don't ask questions.

All children love games.

But children grow up, and then they find new games to play.

They pretend to be well so their families won't worry.

They lie to their lovers about where they go in the afternoon.

So anyway, that's why it was so great. Oh!

They invent stories to hide the truth from their friends.

I got it, I got it. Oh, one more. Here you go.


Everyone has fun playing games, right up until the moment...

Someone gets hurt.