Desperate Housewives S4E4 Script

If There's Anything I Can't Stand (2007)

Previously on...

When her first husband died, Bree thought she was rid of her mother-in-law.

Danielle got pregnant, and Bree got creative.

Soon this whole charade will completely unravel, and we will be humiliated. Carlos and Gaby's affair turned dangerous...

If she pulled something like that on me, that guy wouldn't be around for long. And an old neighbor returned.

I didn't want poor aunt Lily to spend her final days in a nursing home. That is so kind of you.

Mrs. Lillian sims returned to Wisteria Lane on a Saturday.

As she emerged from the ambulance, it occurred to her the neighborhood looked exactly as she had left it.

She then decided she should have painted her house blue.

Moments later, she wondered if she would see her husband in heaven.

These are just some of the thoughts that go through an old woman's mind when she comes home to die.

Now if you need anything, you just ring this little bell, and I'll come running.

I'm sorry to be so much trouble.

Well, the good news is, I-I won't be a burden much longer.

Oh, don't say that.

The doctors say there's a good chance that you'll be with us for a very long time.

I know what's happening to me, Katherine.

You don't need to lie.

Aunt Lily...


What does it feel like?

Dying, I mean.

It's not that bad.

I feel lucky.

When you know time is running out, you... you get a chance to reflect on your life.

I-I really did try to live a good one.

You did more than try.

God is going to welcome you with open arms.

I'm not so sure.

Oh, why would you say that?

I keep thinking about Dylan...

What we did, what we covered up.

We did what we had to.

We should have told someone.

We couldn't. You know that.

It... it was a mistake, and it's not too late to rectify it.

Your life may be over, but that does not give you the right to go around destroying the lives of others.

I can't go to my grave with this on my conscience.

Please! We have to tell that girl what happened in this room.

Absolutely not.

As her guilt over the past began to mount, it occurred to Lillian death couldn't come quickly enough.

This thought occurred to her niece as well.

There were a lot of things Bob hunter disliked about living in the city, and the thing he hated most were the pests...

The rats that lurked in the alleys...

The flies that swarmed the garbage...

The bugs that invaded his co-op.

I have tried it your way...

Finally, Bob informed his significant other it was time...

To leave the city.

So they moved to suburbia, which they quickly discovered had a few pests...

Hey, neighbor!

Of its own.

Oh, we haven't gotten a chance to meet.

I'm Susan. I live next door. Oh! Jeez.

Hi. Hi, I'm Lee. Uh, I-I just wanted to say hi.

You know, I saw the movers taking in some of your furniture, and I just have to say you and your wife have gorgeous taste.

Need some help? Yeah, like you wouldn't believe.

Um, I'm Susan. I live next door. Oh, hi. I'm Lee's partner Bob.

Oh, you're partners. What kind of business?

You know, whatever it is, just don't let the neighborhood association hear that you work out of your house.

They're so not cool. Actually, we're life partners.



Oh, that's super!

Yeah, I've seen a lot of cable, so I get it.

You're just great.

Thank you.

I-I hope we can live up to your stereotype.

Ow. Don't mind him.

He's just a little cranky from, uh, all the fresh air.

Do not apologize for me. Lee, you're the one who said moving here would be better for Raphael.

Oh. So there's, uh... There's three of you.

Well, that must be...


Yes. We're gay mormons.

Susan, uh...



Raphael is your dog, of course.

You know, 'cause you folks can't have kids.

I mean, uh, I mean, of course youcanhave kids, um, you... you know, because times have changed, and now you're allowed.


What a... nice dog.

I should go.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, stop by any time, Susan... Ow! What are you doing?

What areyoudoing? Well...


I have a delivery for Danielle Van De Kamp.

Can I get you to sign here, please?


Is that for us? No, it's for Danielle.

There you are. Thank you.

That's odd. Who would send her a scooter?

I knew it! Phyllis... Rex's mother.

Ever since he died, she's been trying to buy the children's affection.

Wow. Well, it's a honey of a bike.

I'm sure Danielle will appreciate the thought.

Well, I'm not giving it to her.

Can you think of a worse present for a pregnant girl?

Well, I'm not knocked up. Let me have it.

You know how I feel about 2-wheeled motorized vehicles.

They're too dangerous.

We'll donate it to the church.

What?! Reverend sikes said they're looking for items for the raffle. So we're just gonna give it away?

Well, it's better than you breaking your neck on it.

Mom, you know how much I want a scooter. Come on.

You heard your mother. We're donating it to the church.

Of course, we need to make sure it's in good working order before we do that.

Not without a helmet.

This blows. Are we gonna let her do this to us?

Absolutely not.

If we win that raffle, we're keeping it.


It is nice to hear you humming again.

Well, it's amazing what a week without chemo can do.

Yeah. When does the last round start?

Next month, so I have some time before I start feeling like total crap again.

And I was hoping we could put that time to good use.

Are you sure?

I mean, the doctor said it could be months before you get your mojo back.

Well, it's back.

And since when do you question the mojo?

You're right. You're right. Forgive me.

Okay, so here are your options.

"A," we could go romantic, play soft music, light some candles, or "b," go straight to the... whoa!

God, it's so been so long.

I hope I remember how to do this.

Well, it's just like riding a bike. You never forget.

Now start pedaling.

Hey. Mmm.

Hey. What are you doing? Ooh, sorry. I just messed up your hair.

I'm just trying to fix it. Ow!

Sorry. Al-almost got it. Hey!

Whoa. Hey.


Screw it.

What... what are you doing? Oh, I ripped it this morning.

It's been itching the hell out of me...

And this is much better. Are you sure you wanna take that off, honey?

I mean, won't you be cold? No, I'm good. Mwah!

Hey, babe, what's going on? You still with me?

Yeah. It's just... it's kinda...



It's 9:30.

It's just that one of our ovens broke down today, and the repairman's coming first thing in the morning, and maybe I could ravish you... Tomorrow.

Oh, okay.

Come on, Bree. You have to let us do this. Uh, it's a lovely thought, but I really don't want a baby shower.

Well, I bought you an expensive gift, and I'm not giving it to you unless there's a party with people who can see how generous I am.

Bree, watch this!

Orson, I said be careful!

I just think it's tacky to have a baby shower when it's not your first baby.

Well, idon't see the problem with it... hint, hint.

Yeah, and showers aren't just about presents. They're fun.

And we can play games, like "how big is mummy's tummy?"

Excuse me?

Yeah, we get a ball of yarn, and we each cut a piece that we think is just big enough to fit around your stomach, and the one closest wins a prize.

Ireallydon't want a shower.

Look! Look at me!

Orson, just five more minutes! That's all you're getting!

I tell you what. Why don't we just skip the shower, and after the baby's born, I'll have a christening party?

What do you say?

I'm okay!

I'm fine.

Oh, dear god.

Excuse me, ladies.

I-I couldn't help overhearing you... you talking about my mom's shower.

I-I think I could be of a little assistance here.

Whydo you have to take our new neighbors cookie bars?

Oh, look, I made a terrible first impression, so I thought I'd make them some of my home-baked goodness.

But you didn't bake any goodness.

You just warmed up the goodness I bought at the store.

Well, yeah. I don't bake. Catch up.

You know, not all neighbors have to be friends.

Why don't you just let it go?

Mike, they live 15 feet from us.

If we have a fire, I wanna be sure that they like us enough to call 9-1-1. Ah, that'sthe real reason.

You can't stand it when somebody doesn't like you.

Well, maybe. Well, maybe Bob and Lee just like to keep to themselves.

That's fine, and once they like me, they can keep to themselves all they damn well please.

Hi. I wanted to bring you a "welcome to the neighborhood" present.

You should try one while they're still warm from the oven.

That was really nice. Thank you. Oh, are there nuts in them?

Nuts? Yeah.

Gee, let me think.

Nope, no nuts.

Are you sure? 'Cause I'm highly allergic.

Half a pecan could kill me.

I'm not seeing any nuts.

Okay, you made them, so did you or did you not put nuts in them?

Okay, here's the thing. I'm a really crappy baker.

To give you something that I made myself would be like an insult, so... So... so... so you bought them, and... and then you heated them up in attempt to make your gesture seem more thoughtful than, in fact, it was.

Hey, I would've made them myself if I knew how.

Honestly, I'm a good neighbor.

Yeah, well, neighbor, why don't you take your store-bought, warmed-up, possibly poisonous cookie bars and give them to someone more likely to survive your generosity?

Do you like wine?

No, no, so please don't bring me a bottle from your vineyard.

This rip is pretty big.

It'll take about a week.


All right. You'll hurry if you can?

Honey, it's okay. You look cute in a scarf.

I'm upset 'cause that salesgirl just walked away with my sex life.

What? After two months of puking my guts out, last night I was finally in the mood, but Tom... not so much.

Apparently, my bald head is a big turnoff for him.

Why'd you take your wig off? It was itchy.

Okay, not smart.

Gaby, I am his wife.

He's supposed to loveme...

Not my body, me... My... my soul.

Why can't he make love to my soul?


Question... when was the last time you were in the bar and heard a guy turn to his friend and say, "hey, check out the soul onthatgirl"?

What are you saying?

I'm saying men are visual.

Hell, I have a whole closet full of costumes.

You need to give Tom something to look at, something spicy, like...

Gaby, I'm not a redhead.

But you could be, which brings me to my second point...

Men like variety.

Tonight you're a redhead.

Tomorrow... you are...

Helga, the sexy milkmaid.


Amber, the lonely runaway.


Jeff, the friendly guy from work.

What? I don't know what Tom is into.


Claude, you know I don't like it when you "hmm."

Edie... How long have you had this?

Had what?

I don't have anything.

I'm just here for my 5,000-mile checkup.

Well, you know that bullet you've managed to dodge all these years?

Which one?

The clap? The herp?

The syph?!


Relax. I'll boil all the sheets and towels, and then we'll use this special shampoo, and in three days, the crotch carnival packs up and leaves town.

Oh, man. How did this happen?

Don't give me that look. I know exactly how I got 'em.

I used the tanning bed right after mimsy Porter, thatskank.

Ew, it smells like burnt licorice.

Well, come in the bathroom, and I'll show you how to use this.

I think I can figure that out.

You know, the good news is we're in a committed relationship.

Otherwise, we'd have to make that call of shame to everyone we've been with.

You've heard me make before, but something I feel very, very strongly about.

For me, it's a very simple formula.

More development leads to an increased tax base, which helps build schools for our children.

Around the country, the needs of children are being...

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Can't you just call me?

This is not something that you wanna hear on the phone.

And not follow this trend.

And we will put education where it belongs...

At the top of the list. Ew! How did you get those?

How do you think? Edie.

You are still sleeping with Edie?

Well, you're still sleeping with Victor, aren't you?

Yeah, if I didn't, he would think something is going on.

What is your excuse for doing it with Edie?

She wants to, and I'm a guy.

Ow! This is serious, okay?

If Victor wakes up with a zoo in his pants, there's gonna be hell to pay.

You don't have to tell me. If he finds out about us, I'm the one that's gonna wind up in a landfill. Okay, just don't panic, okay?

We're gonna get the salve or the ointment or whatever it is you put down there, and we're gonna be fine.

We're screwed. Yeah.

Tom? The kids are asleep.

Are you coming to bed anytime soon?

Yeah, I just gotta pick a new running back for my fantasy football team.

That's too bad.

I had a little fantasy thing planned of my own.

Whoa. Lynette...

Lynette's not here right now.

I'm Brandy, the slutty cheerleader.

This is all very romantic, Gaby, but I still have four building proposals to read before tomorrow.

That'snursegaby to you.

Nurse Gaby?

Am I sick?

Well, the doctor says you need to relax, andiknow just how to relax you.


It smells like licorice.

It's a blend of 36 essential oils, anise root and fennel.

Do you like it?

It smells a little medicine-y.

That's the fennel.

It's stinging a little.

That's the tension...

Leaving your body.


And we can rinse it off...

In three to five minutes.

But before we do that...

What the hell is that?

You know, for a guy getting rubbed down by a hot nurse, you ask a lot of questions. Sorry.

Oh, come on, uncle frank.

What's the point of having a gay uncle if you're not gonna help me make friends with these guys?


Uh, mom said that the whole family knew.

Um, okay. Gotta go. Love you.

What's going on? Oh, I found Raphael wandering in the street.

I went to take him back, but Bob and Lee aren't home, so I'm just gonna give him a little treat and put him back in their yard. Bup, bup, bup! Wait a second.

What? Leave him with me.

I need to score some points with those guys, and being a dog-rescuing hero could be just the ticket.

So what, you're just gonna keep him here until they come back?

Uh-huh. Maybe a little longer. How long?

Well, long enough for them to worry.

You know, the more they worry, the more I'm a hero. Get it?

I get that you're insane.

I'm not, I'm not. Now get some mud.

I wanna dirty him up so he looks like he's been through hell.

Okay, in you go.

Here, let me help you with those.

Oh, that's all right. I've got them, Mr. Knievel.

Oh, boy. You're never gonna let me live this down, are you? Nope.

I thought the same thing. It seems to me that you should go to the doctor again.


Uh, guys... What did I tell you?

You said "no shower." But look around... men.

So technically, it's a party, not a shower. Mwah.

Andrew told us that you only said no...

'Cause you didn't want to impose.

Oh! So you're responsible?

Yeah, well, I-I know you said not to make a big fuss, but, hey, you earned it.

Well, don't just stand there. Come in.

We have lots of food and fun and surprises.

Yeah, all kindsof surprises.

Where is she?



I, uh, helped with the invitations, too.

I can't tell you how touched I was to be included, especially after my many conciliatory gestures were so coldly rebuffed.

I have been awful.

I wouldn't blame you if you stormed out right now.


I'm here to celebrate our renewed friendship...

And your baby.

Or should I saybabies?

You know, it's often a sign of twins when a mother's face gets all plump like yours.

Oh, um...

I, uh, bet you wouldn't mind if I broke my neck on that scooter now.

I'm off to the bank.

Aunt Lily just took a pill, so she's down for the afternoon.

Okay. Have fun.

Is your mother gone?

Yeah. Do you need her?

No, no.

This is what I wanted.

I thought you took a sleeping pill.

I pretended to so she'd leave us alone.

Aunt Lily, what's going on?

I have to tell you something.

First, you should know that what happened...

It was nobody's fault.

What do you mean, "what happened"?

You don't remember living on this street before, do you?


Well... There's a reason for that.


Mom, I thought you left.

I forgot my checkbook.

Could you go down and find it for me? Sure.

You really should get your rest.

Hey. Hi.

Hi. Got your wig back, huh? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Good as new.

Listen, I thought we could put the kids to bed early tonight, if you know what I mean.

I do, and I'm up for that.


I hope Brandy won't get stuck late at cheerleading practice.

Oh, about Brandy...

Bad news.

What? What... what happened?

Well, penny wanted to play beauty school with the wig, and, well, let's just say she's got no future as a stylist.

Bad haircut, huh?


Sounds like Brandy might get awful mad about that.

Brandy's history, Tom. Let her go.


Come here! Raphael!

Come home, boy!


Lee? Is something wrong? Raphael got out.

I-I don't know what happened. I think he jumped the fence.

Oh. Well, would you like me to help you look for him?

Seriously? What a... what about your party?

Oh. It's just a baby shower...

That I'm throwing... For my best friend.

I can't... I can't ask you to leave that. That's...

Oh, please. What are neighbors for?


Here, puppy!

I see you've taken down all the pictures of Rex.

Well, I'm, uh, sorry if that offends you, Phyllis, but I didn't want Orson to feel uncomfortable in his new home.

I see.

You're trying to be considerate of your husband's feelings.

Well, I'm glad that you're at leasttryingto get it right the second time around.

Still, it must be awfully hard on Danielle and Andrew to have their father's face banished from their own home.

He wasn't banished.

By the way...

Where... where's Danielle?

She's, uh, at boarding school...

In Switzerland.

Switzerland?! Is it asking too much to be told what continent my granddaughter is on?!

You are keeping my grandchildren from me, and I don't know why.

I'm going to mingle.

Every time I start a chat, you walk away.

I mean, if you don't want to talk to me, why did you invite me?

It's a surprise party, you daft woman!

What makes you think I had a hand in the guest list?

So... You don't want me here?

Oh, for god sakes, Phyllis, it's not as if we got along when Rex was alive.

What did I ever do to you but try to treat you like a daughter?

I even gave you my mother's sable coat.

You hated your mother. But I loved that coat.

Then I'll give it back to you.

No, you keep it as a reminder of how hard I tried to make you like me.

Grandma, are you leaving already?

I'm sorry, dear, but your mother has made it impossiblefor me to stay.

Where does she keep my sable coat?

Probably in her bedroom closet.

Where is she going?

She asked me where your fur coat was.

And... and you told her?!

Oh, crap.

I guess you won't be needing the breast pump I bought you.

So... Danielleis having a baby.

Yes, and for the sake of her reputation, we've agreed to pretend that it's mine.

I just hope that those Swiss doctors know what they're doing.

She's not in Switzerland.

She's at the sisters of hope convent.

Look, Phyllis, I'm sorry. I know this is upsetting.

Actually, I'm thrilled.

I'm going to be a great-grandma.

Well, um...

Technically, yes.

What do you mean, "technically"?

We're saying that the baby is mine and Orson's, and if you hover around like a grandmother, people will be suspicious.

You'renot keeping this baby from me, not if you don't want me to tell those people downstairs whose child it really is.

Youwouldn't. Think of Danielle!

I wish you had.

If you'd raised her properly, she wouldn't bepregnant without ahusband.

You think I don't know I'm a failure as a parent?

That's why this child means so much to me.

It's my second chance.

Well, I hope the second time around that you take my advice.

I always said that you were too strict with those kids.

Parenting tips from you? That's rich.

I was a wonderful mother to Rex. Then why did he always avoid you?

Why were you barely ever here?

Because of you! He knew you hated me.

Oh, he was happy to let you think that, but he was the one who dreaded your visits.


Oh. Phyllis, wait!

Excuse me, everyone, but I have something to say.

What... what is it, grandma?


I have to go, and I just wanted to say how nice it was to see you all again after so much time.


Thank you for the gift.

You know, Bree, you're not the only one who would like a second chance.

Nothing, huh? No. No, he's lost.

And he doesn't know this neighborhood.

There's no way he's gonna find his way home.

Oh, he will. Come on. You gotta keep believing.

Oh, crap! Bob's home. What am I gonna tell him?

Don't. We'll just keep looking.

I have a feeling we're gonna find that cute little guy.

You... you are so nice to do this, I mean, especially after the way I acted when we first...

You know what? Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna go inside and get us some water, and then we're gonna just keep looking. Okay.

Lee! I can't find Raphael. You seen him anywhere?

Oh, Bob, prom... promise you won't hate me.

What are you talking about? What happened? Raphael got out.

He got out? Yeah.

He doesn't know the neighborhood. I know he doesn't know the neighborhood.

What are you talking about? I know... I don't...

How are you looking for him? Well, Susan, she... she's getting water.

Oh, wait, he's right there.

Hey, hey. Oh! Hey! Hey!

Oh! Oh, my god!

What was our dog doing in your garage?

I have no idea.


Here we go.

Did you get a chance to, uh, napalm the jungle yet?

Yep. And?

All quiet on the southern front.

Gaby, we have got to be more careful.


It's kind of exciting, though.

What is? Playing with fire, almost getting burned but not quite.

Don't be thinking like that.

If Victor catches us, he'll kill us both.

That's what's so exciting.



Oh, my... excuse me.

Mmm, that's, um...

An interesting Cologne you're wearing.

My wife gave it to me.

It's got, uh, anise root, fennel.

What, you like it?

Yeah, it's just, um...

I don't know... Weirdly familiar.

Crab cake?

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

Crab cake?

Crab cake? Oh, thank you.

Crab cake?

Thank you.

Kids are asleep.


Whatcha got back there? Just a little present.

Say hello to Brandy's even sluttier sister...


What are you doing?

Well, I just... I just thought since we had so much fun last night, maybe we can have a littlemorefun.

And that's only possible when you're pretending I'm someone else?

Well, you have to pretend, too.



Isme, tom, not Brandy or candy.

It's just your wife, Lynette. Am I not enough for you?

What are you getting so mad for?

The first wig was your idea.

Yeah, because I'm bald.

And I know that that's a big old turnoff, but, you know, I can't help it.

I have cancer.

Yes, I know. I hear about it all the time.

Can you blame me for wanting to escape every once in a while?

Escape fromme, you mean? Yes!

You know why last night was so much fun?

Because I got to make love to someone who wasn't sick.

Look, I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say this stuff.

I have to be the heroic husband who listens and holds you when you cry and never cries himself.

But this affects me, too.

Well... I know that.

You do? Yeah.


Since this whole thing began, have you ever once asked me howi'mdoing?

Oh... my god.

I haven't, have I?

I am one of those...

Whiny, self-involved sick people.

I didn't say that.

No, I am. It's been months, and I have barely thought about what you're going through.

It's okay. You're going through something...

Will you stop being so heroic?!

I'm a cancer bitch!


I'm not gonna argue with you.

You suck.


I guess I could give candy a whirl.

Are the kids really asleep?

'Cause I think she might be a screamer.

Actually, if we're gonna pretend...

How about tonight I'mnota hero and you are not a cancer patient?

We'll just be Tom and Lynette, see what happens.

Oh, I'd like that.

How's Bob's suit?

Ruined. Oh. What if we take it to my cleaners?

Susan, that paint's not coming out...

So we're buying him a new suit...

For 2,000 bucks.


Well, according to Lee, it's a dolce.

I don't know what that means, but he said it six times. That's crazy.

No, what's crazy is I'm about to buy the most expensive suit of my life, and I'll never wear it.

Oh. I just wanted them to like me.

Well, they don't.

Lee said that six times, too.

There must be some way I can apologize to them.

We can't afford any more of your apologies.

I know. Uh, maybe if I... damn it, Susan, let it go, okay?

I asked you to before, and you didn't, and look what happened.

So I'll ask you again. Just let it go.

Mike, wait. We should talk about this.

I'm going to bed.

I've gotta work tomorrow. I'm buying a suit.


What are you doing here? You needn't be embarrassed, dear.

Your mother's told me everything.

It's great to see you.

I hate this place. It's like baby jail.

Oh. Well, that's what I've come to talk to you about.

Perhaps it's time for you to leave.


Is that you?

We have... have to talk.


I'm glad you're home.

I wanted to talk to you about aunt Lily.

What about her?

It was so weird. She called me into her room this afternoon.

She started saying she knew why I didn't remember living on this street before.

Oh, sweetie.

Your aunt Lily is fading fast.

Half the time, she doesn't know what she's saying.

Was that her?

No, I just checked on her. She's sleeping.

You know, you have that recital in two weeks.

Shouldn't you be practicing?





They come in all shapes and sizes and disrupt our lives in a variety of ways.

At first, they're merely annoying, and we do our best to ignore them.

Home in my own bed...

But if we don't take them seriously, they can become quite dangerous.

For some, death seems to be the easiest solution.

But the problem with pests is that what they leave behind...

Is just as dangerous.