Desperate Housewives S4E5 Script

Art Isn't Easy (2007)

Previously on...

Gabrielle tried to rekindle an old affair.

Gaby, I'm getting married.

And I was married when we got together.

That is not how I'm gonna be married.

Lynette got the support she needed for chemotherapy.

Katherine, who liked everything in its place... Ooh!

Thought that her husband was forgetting his.

Oh, I guess you learned nothing from Chicago.

Bree's attempt to keep her daughter's pregnancy a secret...

You are keeping my grandchildren from me.

Evoked an unexpected response.

We're life partners.

And Susan tried to connect with the newest neighbors.

Yeah, I've seen a lot of cable, so I get it.

I hope we can live up to your stereotype.

I should go.

The odd-looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob hunter and Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning.

It wasn't long before workmen had opened them and begun assembling the various parts and pieces.

Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art.

Sadly, it only took 15 minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane...

What the hell is it?

To become art critics.

I think it's a sculpture. I think it's crap.

Of all the gay men in the world, we have to get the two without taste. What are we gonna do about this?

I say we keep smiling and look for the hidden cameras.

I think we're about to get punk'd.

I don't think there's anything we can do. It's not our lawn. It's our neighborhood, and we have rules against this sort of thing, or at least we did when I used to live here.

Who's running the homeowners association?

Well, it was Mary Alice, but as you may have heard...

Yes, very tragic. So we haven't had a president in four years?

No one would volunteer. It's a pain-in-the-ass job.

I'll volunteer.

We can hold an election in the next couple of days.

I can get rid of this tinfoil atrocity by the weekend.

Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys?

But not me. They hate me.

Bree, you talk to them. You can relate to them.

Why would you say that?

You got a kid who came flying out of the closet and a husband who's been looking for the doorknob.

What? You've met him.

Ooh! They're coming.

Good morning, ladies.

Hi. Uh, we were just talking about your sculpture.

That's what I love about art...

The way it provokes discussion. Although it would've been nice if you had discussed it with us. What, you don't... you don't like it?

Well, we're not saying that.

It's just a little, uh...

It's an eyesore.

Really? Mm-hmm.

You hear that, Bob? We flew to Finland and paid $24,000 to commission an eyesore.

I don't mind it.

Not to brag, but I went to art school. Community college.

And they taught us that art is subjective.

Thank you, Susan.

Susan's need for approval aside, this clearly is not appropriate for the street.

Wisteria Lane has a... traditional look.

Well, maybe you'd like it better if we covered it with a gingham throw.

Ladies, uh, I'm sorry.

We honestly thought that people would like it, but even if you disapprove, we hope that you will respect our right to decorate as we see fit.

Have a nice day, philistines.

Yes, art came to Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday morning, and by Tuesday afternoon...

I think it's time to reconvene the homeowners' association.

All in favor?


War had come as well.

As word of the sculpture spread, Bob and Lee began to wonder if any of their neighbors would be supportive.

But when the sculpture's true function was unveiled the next day, whatever support they did have...

Was quickly washed away.

Come on.

It's 6:00 A.M. what is that?

I don't know, but make it stop.


Oh, my god.

Wow! It's a fountain, too.

We would have mentioned that yesterday, but your friends were a little uptight.

Yeah, they can get like that.

So do you think that you can just turn it off for a second?

What's up?

I was just wondering, um, do you think you could move it to your backyard?

Why? I thought you liked it.

Remember? You said, "art is subjective."

Yes. Quiet art is subjective, but you see, Mike is working really long hours lately, and he can't sleep with all that noise.

We're not gonna turn it off because we need it to drown out all the stuff we hear coming from your house. Like what?

Let's see. You yakking to your mom on the phone.

You grunting through your Pilates DVDs.

You in the shower, butchering the score to "Brigadoon."

I have a lovely voice.

Whoever told you that is not your friend.

He's a little cranky. I think someone needs his French toast.

Come on, Lee.

No, no, no, no. No, no, we're not done here.

As your neighbor, I have a right to be heard...

And I say that simple human decency dictates that you turn off that fountain right now!

Hey, guys.

Do over, Parker.

Hey, guys, I got your snack.

What you playing?

Action figures. Wanna play, mom?

She does awesome alien voices.

Thanks, sweetheart.


Oh, yeah. Hi, Dr. Shiller.

Okay, that's my white blood count.

Uh-huh, but as long as it's higher than 4.0, that means I don't have neutropenia, right?

Well, that's great.

Thanks for calling.

Yeah, you, too. Bye.


You can't talk about doctors up here.

Or about being sick.

If you do, you have to go. That's the rule.


That's a good rule.

Although it wasn't bad news. It was actually...

Doesn't matter. We voted. It's a rule.

Got it.

Sick talk done, okay?

You guys have fun.

Freeze power.

Do over, Parker. That guy doesn't have freezing power.

If his guy can fly, my guy can freeze.

Hi. It's, uh, Mrs. Hodge. May I please speak with Danielle?

Mmm. Muffins. T...

Hands off. We're bringing these to Danielle for her birthday.

What do you mean, she's gone?

And you believed her?

You idiot!

I should sue your irresponsible ass off for this.

Yeah, well, good day to you, too, reverend mother!

What happened? Those stupid nuns at the convent let Danielle's grandmother kidnap her.

She claimed I'd given her permission for a weekend visit.

Phyllis! It's me.

You can screen your calls all you want to, but trust me, old woman, you are in a world of trouble.

I know where you live, and I am coming for you.

Shouldn't we be worried?

No, I think we're ready for her.

Now show me again how you kill the zombies.


Why can't I go? I play golf.

And I'd love to meet your... college buddies.

Edie, me and the guys have only two rules for these weekends...

No plaid pants and no women.

Fine. Be that way.

And to think, I got you a gift.

Hey, golf balls.

They're monogrammed.

Wait. These are your initials.

Exactly. While you're out there playing, I want everyone to know who your balls belong to.

Good work, boys, but I have to head out in a few minutes, so make sure you put all the stuff back in the garage.


Hey, on my way.

Meet you at the hotel, okay?

I'm leaving in five minutes.

Uh, Brett, could you come here a second?

How long has that Van been parked over there? Couple hours.

Hours? Are you serious?

Oh, my god. I think he's just waiting for someone to come home.

Brett, when's the last time a cable guy waited for anyone?

I see a lot of lawn mowing in your future.

Hey, it's me again. You're not gonna believe this.

Before Victor left on his business trip, he hired someone to tail me.

Oh, man. Should we call this off? No way.

It's gonna take more than a guy with mini binoculars and a bag of doughnuts to keep me under lock and key.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Boys, time to get paid.

Come on, Eddie!

Bye, Mrs. Lang. See you next time.

Come back here!

Are you taking the bus home?

As soon as we get around the corner, we're gonna have to adjust this horn.




Look at you. What a surprise.

Oh, uh, this is Gaby. This is my wife Tammy.

Tammy, this is Gabrielle.

Wow, look at you. Congratulations.

Thanks. It wasn't planned.

Okay. So... are you guys staying here?

No, we just came for some lunch.

Daddy owns this place.

That's right. You're a hotel heiress.

Yeah, but not one of the skanky ones.

How do you two know each other?

I used to be Gabrielle's gardener.

Oh! Well, as you can see, he's certainly married up from lawn boy.

Tammy. What?

Forget it.

So I heard you married the mayor.

You're married to Victor Lang?

He and daddy go hunting together.

I told John if he would just be nicer to daddy, he could hang out with people like the mayor and make important contacts.

And I keep telling you that I don't need to kiss your father's ass to have a career.

Uh, yeah, so I married the mayor.

Kooky, huh?

So, um, is he here with you?

Uh, no. He's away at a conference, so I decided to treat myself to a spa weekend.

Ooh! You should definitely get the full body massage.

Oh, I plan to.

Good to see you.

You, too, Gaby.

Sorry about that. A complete shock.

I mean, of all people to run into.

Who were they?

Just an old friend and his idiot wife.

Come on. Let's go.

Bree, how lovely to see you.

Cram it, Phyllis. You got a lot of nerve stealing Danielle from a convent we prepaid for.

She didn't steal me.

I'm a mature person capable of making my own decisions.

Well, good. You can decide to pack, because we are taking you back to the convent.

Mnh-mnh. I'm turning 18 this weekend, so you can't boss me around anymore.

I'm staying with grandma, and I'm gonna have my baby delivered here. We have an excellent medical staff.

It's a retirement village.

All these doctors know how to deliver is bad news.

I don't care. I'm staying, and I'm gonna raise the baby here, too. What?

Entirely her idea.

A baby is god's most precious gift.

I will not have mine raised by a cold, emotionally unavailable woman like you.

"Emotionally unavailable."

Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase. Hmm.

Like I'm too dumb to think of it myself?

You're always mean to me, just like you were to dad.

You emasculated him.

Well, you're not gonna emasculate me.

You don't even know what that means, you petulant sock puppet!

Who cares?

I'm going to the store.

Buy a dictionary.

So that's all settled.

Would you like some iced tea?

You aren't joining the lynch mob?

Uh, you mean Katherine's homeowners thing?

Yeah, I think I'll sit this one out.

No, no, no. You can't do that. You've got to pick a side.

Art or mindless conformity?

See, this is one of the upsides of having cancer.

You get to excuse yourself from petty neighborhood squabbles.

You won't think they're so petty when she comes after you.

Me? Why would she do that?

Did the homeowners' association approve everything in your yard?

The fence? That swing?

The tree house?

I don't think Katherine will bother herself over a tree house.

First, they came for the fountains, and I did not speak out because I had no fountain. What?

Then they came for the lawn gnomes, and I did not speak out because I had no gnome. You're comparing Katherine to a Nazi?

Then they came for my tree house, and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Thank you, ladies. I so appreciate your input, and I think we can all agree that the fountain has no place on our street.

Yeah, we gotta show those gays we mean business.

Ida, again, the issue is not Bob and Lee being gay.

It's the fountain.

Well, can't it be both?


If you elect me president, my first act will be to eliminate this so-called work of art.

Hear, hear.

Yes, Lynette.

After you get rid of this fountain, that's it, right?

I don't follow.

I mean... You're not gonna start checking everyone's yards for things that don't fit in?

Oh, of course not.

As long as those things meet the association's guidelines.

Uh-huh. And what if they don't?

Are you referring to something in particular?

My kids' tree house. Can you promise you'll leave it alone?

Well, it's not up to me. That's the whole point.

There are rules.

That sounds like a no.

If I make an exception for you, then I have to make one for everyone, and surely, you realize that the whole neighborhood can't revolve around your little tree house.

Now since I am running unopposed, I just need someone to second my nomination.

Oh! Thank you, Lynette.

No, actually, I'm nominating myself.

I am now running for president...

Against you.

You know, running for president in your condition?

I don't think it's a good idea.

Tom, I don't want your opinion, just your vote.

If you want to save the tree house, why don't you let me run instead?

Because you'd never win. Bossy women rule this street.

You know that. I know one rules my life.

I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.


Look, this is not just about a tree house or a fountain.

This is about what kind of neighborhood we want to live in.

Do we get to make our own choices, or do we let the taste police make them for us?

Ah, now I get it. This about you wanting to take on Katherine.

No! This is about personal freedom...

Specifically, my personal freedom to take down that jackbooted hausfrau.

Honey, if you're looking for something to fight, how about your cancer?

Hey, a tumor is a tumor whether it's in your body or living across the street.

I don't know why you buy those things.

They just end up on the floor.

Because I want to feel pretty and feminine.

Ooh! My chili cheese fries! Just a second!

Gabrielle? It's me... John.

John? John who?

Uh, okay. You know that old friend I ran into in the lobby?

It might have been John Rowland.

Maybe. I'm not sure.


But just to be safe, you may wanna hide in the closet.

What? I'm not hiding from that guy. Really?

Because his father-in-law goes hunting with Victor...

You know, the guy who hired someone to tail us and possibly kill us?


John, what are you doing here?

When I ran into you last fall, you wanted to start up our affair again, and I wasn't ready.

Well, I'm ready.

Mm! Mm.


Listen, I promised Tom I wouldn't knock myself out campaigning for this homeowners thing, so I was hoping you could help me...

You know, ring some bells, talk me up, that sort of thing?

I would love to, but...

But what?

This is awkward.

Uh, I told Katherine I'd vote for her.

You're picking her over me?

Uh, it's not like I'm pro-Katherine.

I'm just anti-fountain.

Oh, don't give me that look. I made her a promise.

Yes, but that was before your best friend threw her scarf in the ring.


Okay. If I vote for you, do you promise to get rid of that fountain?

See, that's awkward for me. This is about personal freedom.

You know? I'm running as a libertarian.

Well, I'm voting as a light sleeper.

It's right outside our bedroom window.

Seriously, Lynette, it's like living next to splash mountain.

But it's my kids' tree house. They really need it. Well, we need our sleep.

Why don't you get earplugs?

Why don't you get... Tree house plugs?

What? That doesn't even make sense.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You know, tired people aren't witty.

Seriously, John, you have got to get out of here.

No. Please. I need to be with you.

What about your wife? You met her. She's dumb, demanding, totally self-centered, especially in bed.

I mean, she's awful.

Awfully pregnant. I know. I-I'm completely trapped, just like you were with Mr. Solis.


I-I wasn't "trapped."

What do you mean?

All you'd ever talk about was what a selfish pig he was.

Well, I think you're paraphrasing.

Okay, seriously, you have to go.

Come on. You know it would be hot, just like old times.

Remember how great our sex was? Oh, I don't think we need to get into that.

What about the time we were doing it in the shower?

Mr. Solis drove up? Uh, does not ring a bell.

Come on. And I hid in the closet?

And you looked so hot, Mr. Solis pulled you down on the bed.

And you had to fake an orgasm just so he wouldn't catch on.

Yeah, good times.

Anyways, uh, that's a negatory on the affair... What?

And I will see you later.

Come on, but we're so good together. Gab...


Boy, that was a close one, huh?

You faked it with me while that wax job was hiding in the closet?

Yes, I had an affair. Old news. Move on.

Where's that room service? So you're not gonna apologize for humiliating me in my own bed?

You deserved it. All you cared about back then was work.

Hey, I was not that bad of a husband, and somebody had to support your Italian shoe addiction.

I shopped because I was bored and lonely...

Same reason I had an affair. Yeah, with our teenage gardener!

I should have snapped that kid's neck two years ago.

Oh, let it go! John Rowland didn't do anything to you that you're not doing to Victor.

You can't even compare the two! It's completely different!

Is it, Mr. Man in the closet?

Yeah, you heard me.

Who's John Rowland now?

Katherine, what are you up to?

Just visiting a friend.

Liar. You're campaigning. Cookies... nice touch.

Ditto on the scarf.

Edie, you got a moment?

I am running for president of the homeowners' association, and I want to talk to you about that horrible fountain.

Screw the fountain. You want my support?

Make Ida Greenberg ditch that screen door.

That rusty, old tetanus bucket...

Looks fine to me. It's hardly ripped at all.

In fact, if you give me your support...

I'll make Mrs. Burkette prune those roses.

It's a garden, not a jungle, and you shouldn't have to...

Pay for a fence you don't even want.

That's not how you make good neighbors, And I don't care if... The Mustafas don't celebrate Christmas.

You're asking them to hang a few lights, not convert.

When I'm president, I promise...

You can keep that satellite dish.

In fact, this is practically a first amendment issue.

The way I see it...

The entire neighborhood should be a testament to symmetry and beauty.


Have I got your vote?

Um, I'm not sure yet.

Keep rubbing.

Bree, I know you're upset, but you've got to eat.

I'm just so mad at myself.

I should have realized that the maternal instinct is so strong, that even Danielle would develop it.

What's so funny?

You know those animals who eat their young?

Even they have more maternal instinct than Danielle.

Then why would she want the child?

You've known her how long, and you still haven't figured out how that lentil she calls a brain works?

There's no need to insult your sister. Let him talk.

All right, Danielle cares about three things...

Danielle, fun, and, uh...

Wait. I was wrong. It's just two.

And a retirement village is fun?

Compared to what you're offering her...

A crappy job and community college.

I mean, you think grandma's gonna make her do any of that?

So Danielle's only doing this because Phyllis is offering her a cushy life?

Yeah. If you want that baby, you're gonna have to outbid grandma.

What are you doing here?

Hi, John.

I wanted to talk to you.

It'll be very friendly. No hitting.

What's up?

This is gonna sound weird, but, uh, I've been doing some thinking lately, and, well, I've decided that it's time for me to forgive you.

For sleeping with my wife.

Yeah, well, I didn't just sleep with Gaby.

I fell in love with her.

I forgive you for that, too.

Why are you doing this?

You in some kind of 12-step program?

Let's just say I've recently learned how loving someone makes you forget the difference between right and wrong.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I should go.


Do you still talk to Gabrielle?

Occasionally. Why?

I just want to know if she was happy.

I think she is.


Good for her.

All right, before we vote, are there any more questions for the candidates?

Anybody besides Lee?

It's not a question.

I just want to remind everyone that a vote for Katherine is a vote for fascism.

What is it with you gay people and clothes?

Fascism, Ida, not fashion.

Although if you ever do want to talk fashion, we're here for you.

All right, debate's over.

Let's kick this pig. All in favor of Lynette?

Okay, and those for Katherine?

That's 14 for Lynette and 14 for Katherine.

So what do we do? It's a tie.


No, it's not.

Susan voted twice.

Did I?

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You only get one vote, sweet cheeks. Who's it gonna be?

Susan, we're waiting.

It's up to you, hon.



Okay, it's official. Katherine is our new president.

Thank you. Thank you, everyone, and I promise to do my best for this neighborhood.

And, Bob, Lee, Mr. Mustafa, I'll be in touch regarding your various infractions.


And you, too, Lynette.

Meeting adjourned.


I know. Well, I'm not surprised.

♪♪♪ You know, Phyllis, we cannot thank you enough for accepting our apology.

Well, I think we should try to stay on good terms for Danielle's sake.

I'm glad you suggested that we eat out here.

I never think to do this.

Oh, darn, I forgot the napkins.

Oh, no problem.

I'll go get some.

So now that we have a moment alone, your mother and I would like to say how proud we are of you.

Yeah, right.

Seriously, we hadn't realized you'd matured enough to take on the burden of motherhood all by yourself.

Well, grandma's gonna help.

She'll do what she can, but you mustn't overtax her.

Her heart is not very strong.

She seems fine to me.

Well, knock wood.

We'd hate to see you forced to take care of a baby and a sick old woman.

Whoa! Mah-jongg. Don't see that much anymore.

Hey, hey.

Danielle, you should introduce yourself.

These people are your new friends. Mm.

And you're going to learn more from their experience and wisdom than you ever could have learned at that college in Florida.

Wait. I thought I couldn't go there.

You said it was just a party school.

Well, actually, we checked into the curriculum, and it's very strong, but no matter.

You're be happier here. Yes, and with a grandmother's unconditional love, who needs frat boys who only like you for your convertible?

Whoa. When did I get a convertible?

Well, we were gonna surprise you with one for your birthday, but since you're keeping the baby, you'll want a more practical gift. We're thinking a diaper service.

Oh, look, they have water aerobics.


Out. Out.

You should sign up.

You know, maybe i should go to college.

I mean, for the baby's sake.

How can I support it without a degree?

But you can't raise this child in a Miami dorm room.

You'll need to leave it with someone you can trust to take care of it properly.


The elevator's out. I...

Oh. I have to catch my breath.


We need to talk.

What's this?

I thought we might toast my victory.

I'm kind of in the middle of something here.


So... you haven't congratulated me yet.

I know.

Would you like to tell me what's bothering you?

I just want you to think about what you've been doing for the past few days.

You've mounted a crusade against a metal thing that shoots out water. I'm trying to keep the neighborhood beautiful.

I love this street.

Yeah, you keep saying that... How happy you used to be here, but ever since we've moved back, all I've seen is an unhappy woman who needs to control everything.

Well... we've both learned what happens when you lose control.

Oh. Chicago again.

Tell you something else we learned there.

When the chips are down, it helps to have friends.

And you certainly haven't made us any lately.


Bye, grandma.

Good-bye, dear.

Tell your stepfather I'll be right out.

Oh, please, Phyllis. Even you have to agree that a girl who'd trade her baby for a convertible isn't ready for motherhood.

She'd have changed once the baby came.

She's her father's daughter.

That's a nice picture of Rex.

Oh, I have a lot of pictures.

All of the women here do.

They're what we have left of the things time has taken from us...

Youth, homes and husbands...

And for the unluckiest, children.

I thought I was getting back a part of Rex.

But now...

I know you're lonely, Phyllis, but I can't give up this child just to make you feel better.

You should go. Your family's waiting for you.

Orson and I go to our club almost every Saturday night, if you're... interested in babysitting.

You mean it?

How will you explain me to your friends?

I'll say that you're broke and needed the money.

Can't you just say that you like having me around?

I need something that will fly, Phyllis.

Hey. What's going on?

We need to talk.

So here's the deal.

I think it's time for us to do the right thing.

I don't think I like where this is going.

We have to end this affair.

You serious?

All this... sneaking around, wearing disguises, hiding in closets... It's just wrong.

We're better than this.

So what are you suggesting, we stay with Victor and Edie?

No, we break up with them.

Look, it'll hurt, but at least it's honest.

And then when enough time has gone by and they've moved on, we can be together.

How long are we talking about?

I don't know. Six months?

Six months? Nobody takes that long to heal anymore.

It's a breakup, not a face-lift.

Hey, look, I want us to be together, too, but I also wanna feel good about it.

Don't you?

Yeah. I do.

You're such a good guy, Carlos.

I really hate that about you.

I know.

So... I guess this is it.

This kiss has to last six months.

You better make it good.

His guy can fly. My guy freeze.

Hey, Lynette.

Hey, Judas.

Okay, fine. You're still angry, but I'm gonna make it up to you.

When they come after that tree house, they're going to have one Susan Mayer chained to it.

Don't do that. I wanna be sad when they knock it down. Lynette!

What? You think you can just walk over here and cute your way out of what you did?

We're supposed to be friends. Exactly, and friends don't put friends in this kind of position.

I love you, but you can't ask me to put your kids ahead of my husband.

No, Parker, that guy doesn't have freezing...

You're right. I shouldn't have done that.

But that tree house is the one place my kids can go and not hear about body scans and white blood cell counts.

It is their getaway from this horrible thing that I've brought into the house.

"Brought"? Sweetie, it's not your fault that you're sick.

I know that... here. But here...

It feels like I've ruined their childhood.

Okay, if anybody needs me, I'll be at the hardware store buying chains.

Oh, jeez. Get over here.

Hello there!

Oh, look, it's our new queen... Katherine of arrogant.

Hey, where's the wrecking ball?

Actually, I came to tell you the tree house can stay.

Oh, my god. That's great!

Yes. If anyone complains, we'll say it was grandfathered in under the previous administration.


Thanks. Why?

Clearly, it means a lot to you, and I wanna be a good neighbor.


What's with you? Sometimes you act like an ice queen, and then you do something really nice.

You are one complicated lady.

Well, I've had one complicated life.

I've had a lot of men in my life, but I never let myself fall in love before.

I thought it was because I didn't wanna get hurt, but... now I know the pain you feel isn't the worst part.

It's the hate.

Could you make it out to "cash"?

Hello, Katherine.

You here about the fountain?

Yes, but don't worry. There's no strict deadline.

You can... have it removed at your earliest convenience.

Yeah, I don't think it's going anywhere.

Oh, boys, boys, the war's over.

Yes, it is.

We know all about Chicago.

Come again?

My ex is on the board of Chicago memorial hospital.

Seems your husband made quite a stir there...

Whole hospital still buzzing about what he did.

Whatever you heard is a vicious lie...

Every word of it.

Still, it was enough to... Make you leave town, which begs the question, do you like living here?

Oh, good. We're in agreement. The fountain stays.

Thanks for stopping by, Katherine.

It's the same for all of us.

We try not to get too close to the people who live next door.

It's easier to give them a polite nod than to ask what's wrong.

It's safer to keep walking by than to get involved.

You right now. Okay, I don't wanna work...

True, we sometimes do get to know the people we share a fence with and end up lifelong friends.

Thanks for everything. Thank you.

But mostly, we keep our distance because we'd rather our neighbors know nothing about us...

Than know too much.