Desperate Housewives S4E6 Script

Now I Know, Don't Be Scared (2007)

Previously on...

Danielle came back home.

Lynette was afraid for her children...

It feels like I've ruined their childhood.

Katherine's past... We know all about Chicago.

Came back to haunt her. Oh, good. We're in agreement. The fountain stays.

Edie made threats...

If the I.R.S. Gets wind of your rainy day fund, they could make me testify against you.

But evasive action was taken.

I want us to be together, too, but I also wanna feel good about it.

And Gaby and Carlos ended their affair...

Too late.

Could you make it out to "cash"?

As a little girl, Edie Britt was afraid of many things, and all the little boys in her neighborhood knew this.

So they would wait for her with rubber snakes and croaking frogs...

And plastic spiders, hoping to make Edie scream.

Aah!

But once she was a big girl, Edie Britt was afraid of only one thing...

That her lover might leave her for someone else, and Carlos Solis knew this.

So when he decided to go, he tried to do it quickly...

What the hell is this?

Mostly to avoid her screaming.

It just hasn't been working for a long, long time.

That's a lie. We were happy.

Come on. Let's not argue.

I want us to end this as friends.

I bet you do, given all I know about your finances.

That's true. You know some of my secrets, but I'm betting you still care enough about me to keep them.

All right.

I won't say anything to anyone about your money in the grand Caymans on one condition...

You have to tell me the truth about why you're leaving.

The truth?

Is there someone else?

No.

Thank you, Carlos.

You made this a lot easier.

Yes, Edie Britt had been forced to face her worst fear, and she now felt it was only fair...

Hi.

Um, I know a guy who's got millions in a offshore bank account.

Who would I talk to about that?

That Carlos should face his.

Yes, it was that time of year.

Halloween had come once again to Wisteria Lane, and no one was more determined to celebrate its arrival than the gay couple who had just moved in.

So which of the neighbors should we invite first?

What does it matter? They all hate us? Oh, Lee, that's not true. They hate you.

I'm the butch one they can feel comfortable around.

You keep telling yourself that. Let's start with Bree.

She's got a gay son. I bet she's homo-friendly.

Why? My mother has one, and she's not.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

We're just dropping by to let you know we're having a Halloween party. We'd love for you to come.

Oh, well, thank you. Orson and I would be delighted.

Well, you can bring your whole family if you like.

Is that your daughter?

Uh, no, my daughter is in Switzerland, at boarding school.

Who was that?

My son...

Trying on his costume.

He's going to be Cher this year.

Okay, he's definitely invited.

How many times have I told you to stay away from the windows?

I'm bored. You won't let me go outside.

Can't I at least look? What's that?

Oh, we've been invited to Bob and Lee's for Halloween.

A costume party. Cool. Can I go?

Are you insane?

It's Halloween. I'll go as a pumpkin.

You are due in three weeks.

Until then, no windows and no parties.

So... this is gonna be fun.

Will you help me with a costume?

Sure!

How familiar are you with pop icons from the '70s?

Victor, it's me. I got your message.

I've gotta be honest, I'm very annoyed that you're not coming home today like you promised.

I told you I have something very important to tell you, and I wanted to do it in person, but now you're gonna be home for another week, and I can't wait.

Victor, I'm leaving you.

I... can't believe I'm ending my marriage on a hotel voice mail.

This is very tacky.

You're forcing me to be tacky, Victor.

I am not a tacky person. I am very, very classy.

Oh! Hang on one second.

Hello? Hey, Carlos. Yeah, I can't talk right now.

I'm breaking up with Victor.

No, he's not here. He's in Washington.

Yeah, okay, I'll explain later.

Sorry about that, Victor.

Uh, anyway, it's over.

Uh, we both know it wasn't working.

Uh, good luck on everything, and you don't have to call me back.

Okay, bye-bye.

Ah.

I was surprised that my doctor suggested genetic counseling.

I didn't have to do that with my last baby.

Well, you were 26 when you had your last child.

Now you're...

Careful.

Old enough to benefit from this particular branch of medicine.

Nice save.

Now can we just skip to the part where you tell me what's wrong with my baby?

Well, we don't know if anything's wrong.

See, we're just going over your family medical history just... just to be on the safe side.

Okay. My aunt Ella has arthritis.

I have two cousins with webbed feet, and there's a whole lot of third nipples on my dad's side.

Apparently, I married into carny folk.

Okay, Mike, what about your family?

Everybody's pretty healthy.

Uh, my grandmother has epilepsy.

My father had high blood pressure, but he's on medication, so it's fine now.

What do you mean, "it's fine now"? He's dead.

No, he's not. What makes you think that?

'Cause that's what you told me when we first started dating.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry if I gave you that impression.

It wasn't an impression.

You said those words... "my father's dead."

It's... complicated.

How can it be complicated? He's either dead or alive.

Does it sound complicated to you, Michelle?

Oh, um...

Wow, I'm sorry. I-I've got an emergency plumbing call.

I'm gonna have to do this later. Uh, don't wait up.

Okay, so, um, Mike's grandmother is epileptic?

Yeah.

But apparently, his dad can rise from the dead.

So let's hope the baby gets that gene.

Hey. How'd the p.E.T. Scan go?

She was a real trouper.

20 minutes inside that tube, she didn't complain once.

In a couple of days, we'll know if you beat this son of a bitch.

Hey, Dr. Rushton is very optimistic.

Fantastic. He's the best.

Hey, what do you say I ditch work, and I take you to that... Thai place for lunch? Lynette?

Is that a hole? What?

In the garden there. Has something been digging in there?

Oh, it might be a possum. Ahem.

I-I saw one the other day.

You saw a possum, and you didn't tell me?

Didn't know it was front-page news.

Well, we gotta do something about this.

And we will, so do you want to bring the kids, or would you prefer a, uh, gloriously romantic lunch with just me? I can't eat right now, Tom.

I've got to go to the garden center and get some fencing. God, this is annoying!

Can't believe you didn't tell me we have a possum!


Oh, you're, um, you're up.

I was just gonna try not to wake you.

Did you really think I was gonna let you crawl in bed next to me without an explanation for your bizarre behavior?

Well, what good's a dream if it's not a little unrealistic?

I don't care what the issues are.

You don't deny your own dad's existence.

My father's in prison for murder.

So can you see why I might have wanted to lie about him on a first date?

Oh, my god.

He's in jail for murder?

Yeah.

He's doing life without parole.

Do you see him? I mean, do you have a relationship with him?

Uh, I visit a few times a year.

Well, I've got to meet him.

No, I don't think that's such a good idea. Well, he's your father.

I should know him, and besides, that genetic counselor said we should gather data about your family's history.

Maybe you dad knows something you don't.

I mean, I should meet him for the sake of our baby.

Well, yeah. Fine. We'll go see him.

Thank you.

Mom! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.

Great. Here. Grab this.

What's this stuff for?

You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?

Yeah, me and Preston named him scruffles.

Don't give him a name. He's not gonna be around much longer.

You're not gonna hurt him, are you?

Honey, I put up a fence, and he burrowed right under it.

The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures, and there's only one way to stop 'em.

So you're gonna kill him?

Sweetie, let me ask you something.

If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?

Scruffles.

Okay, we're done talking here.

You're sending me back to the convent?

Well, you certainly don't seem happy here, and I thought maybe you were missing the nuns and the other girls.

Oh, whoopee. Knocked-up sluts and celibate freaks.

Start the party.

Whatever. I don't care. I just want this thing out of me.

You know, Danielle, I just want you to be aware that giving up this baby might be harder than you think.

It won't be a problem. Trust me.

Well, you say that now, but once you've held your child and felt that rush of love, well...

It can change you.

Please. I hate this baby.

What has it done but make me fat and ruin an entire year of my life?

I'm just saying, if I were you, I might be feeling...

Stop. Who says I have to feel the same things you'd feel?

I'm nothing like you.

You always say that like it's something to be proud of, but the day I see even a glimmer of myself in you is the day that I realize you've finally started... To grow up.

Well, don't hold your breath.

No, on second thought, do.

Hello, Gabrielle.

Oh!

Milton... you scared me.

I thought you were in Washington with Victor.

I was. I got to the messages first.

Oh. You can't leave him, Gabrielle.

Well, if he really wanted me to stay, he would've come here himself, instead of siccing daddy on me.

Oh, Victor hasn't heard the message.

I erased it. Oh, great.

Now I have to break up with him all over again.

You know, there's a lot of talk about Victor running for governor.

A divorce on the Eve of a campaign could be...

Quite damaging.

And you flew all the way here to twist my arm?

No, I had something a little more subtle in mind.

Milton, there is no amount of money that is... wow!

Yeah. You start tacking on those zeros, it gets hard to stop.

Hold on.

This check is dated for next year.

Exactly.

If you want this money, you're gonna have to stay married to my son for the next 13 months.

Huh.

And isn't there an election around that time?

My son is destined for greatness.

He will be governor.

He could be president.

And you're going to make sure he goes straight to the top, aren't you?

Sometimes greatness needs a little nudge.

What do you mean, there's nothing there?

I'm sorry, Ms. Britt.

I checked the number you gave me three times.

That offshore account simply doesn't exist.

Where is that $10 million?

What $10 million?

Give it a rest, Carlos. You moved that money.

First of all, I deny having any illegal money, let alone moving it.

Why are you talking like that?

I don't know. I thought you might be wearing a wire.

You're paranoid. You know that?

Well, don't I have reason to be?

And why would you care where the money is, unless you were planning on using it against me?

Oh, god. You think you are so clever. Well, you're not.

In fact, you... you are the stupidest man I've ever met.

You have no clue who you're dealing with, but believe me, you're gonna pay for what you've done to me, Carlos.

This game is not over.

Actually, it kinda is, and if you hadn't noticed...

I won.

Bree.

Lynette, I was just thinking about you.

Did you get your test results yet?

Huh? Oh, the p.E.T. Scan. No, not till tomorrow.

Listen, I need your help. There's a possum in my garden.

Ugh! I hate possums.

Not as much as me. I put out poison, but it ate around it.

I got one of those humane traps, but all I trapped was penny.

How can I help?

I want a gun.

Really?

I thought you were one of those liberal gun haters.

That was the old Lynette. The new Lynette kills the possums and lets god sort 'em out.

Well, unfortunately, our bleeding-heart town council forbids us from using live ammo in our own backyards.

Wusses!

I suggest you get an air rifle.

It won't kill it, but it'll sting it enough to keep it away for good.

Perfect. Where can I get one?

Try, um, gun city on route 6 by the baptist church.

Tell them I sent ya, and they'll give you a nice discount.

Great.

What's so urgent?

Can't say hello to a girl?

Gaby, we had a deal.

We weren't gonna see each other for six months.

Oh, uh, yeah, about that...

What if we make it 13?

Okay, no, just go with me on this.

What I'm about to propose will give us total financial freedom and... help a conniving billionaire's dream come true.

Whoa. What's this for?

Milton Lang doesn't want me to leave Victor until after he runs for governor.

Once the election's over, ka-ching!

So basically, you're taking money to sleep with a man you don't love.

Gee, if that were a job, what would you call it?

I don't have to sleep with him, just stay with him for political reasons.

It's basically a modeling fee for a 13-month photo op.

Absolutely not.

Carlos, you're not working right now, and you know we'll never be happy if we're broke.

We need this.

What if we didn't?

Huh?

What if I had some money stashed away?

Okay, remember a few years ago when I was in business with Tanaka?

I was always afraid that he was gonna double-cross me.

Which he did.

But before he did, I skimmed a little off the top.

How much is "a little"?

$10 million.

You embezzled $10 million?

Mmm.

Actually, now it's only about $9.5. It cost me half a mil to hide it from the government and certain other people. Mm.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

If this is Tanaka money, then you had it when we were married?

Okay, I can sense where you're going with this.

Which also means you had it when we got divorced.

Look, if I had told you about it, you'd have taken me to the cleaners. Carlos, we were married.

I was entitled to half of everything you embezzled.

Look, we're back together now. What does it matter?

Well, it matters that you lied to me.

I can't trust you.

Gaby! If I can't trust you, I don't think I can be with you.

Oh, come on!

No, I'm serious. After everything I have been through?

No! No, get out!

Gaby, you should be happy right now.

I have millions of dollars, and I want you to be with me.

Oh, so you want me to sleep with you and take your money.

Gee, if that were a job, what would they call it?

Thanks, kid.

Bear claw?

Uh, no. Thank you, Nick.

So, uh, Mike said you had some medical questions for me?

Um, yes, the, uh, genetic counselor, um, wanted to know a couple of things.

Uh...

Um, i-is there any cancer in your family?

No.

Great.

Uh, diabetes?

Mnh-mnh.

Wonderful.

Who did you kill?

Couldn't have covered this in the car?

I thought she should hear it from you.

I killed my boss.

Uh-huh. Okay.

He wasn't my boss when I met him.

He was just another guy on the loading dock, like me.

A supervisor's job came up, and, uh, we were both angling for it.

And then Arnie... That was his name...

He went to the head of the company and told him some lies about me, and he got the job.

So you killed him?

No. I stewed about it for a few weeks.

I'd see Arnie walking around with that smirk, and, uh, and that tie, and I thought to myself, "you know, Arnie, you don't deserve that job.

"You don't deserve that tie, and you don't deserve to live."

So you killed him?

No. I confronted him.

I said, "Arnie, what you did wasn't right."

He just laughed in my face and said, uh, "what are you gonna do about it?"

Then i killed him.

Uh-huh.

Uh, and how did you...

With the tie. I thought it was a nice touch.

Well, now you know.


♪♪♪ Sorry.

♪♪♪

Hey, Adam, Katherine.

Or should I say Frankenstein and... Marie Antoinette?

Nice.

You came as a self-important queen who lost all her power.

Isn't that a bit on the nose?

Lee making jokes about a queen.

Isn't that a bit ironic?

You two look adorable.

And who are you supposed to be?

Cher, the beloved pop diva.

It was my mom's idea.

You know, the woman who freaked when she found out I was gay?

Oh.

Oh, my god. Is that Danielle?

I expressly forbade her from coming tonight.

Who does she think she is?

Apparently, you.

Danielle, you're back!

I'm not Danielle.

I am Bree Van De Kamp Hodge.

Oh, no, no, no. No hugs, please.

I'm uncomfortable with needless displays of emotion.

Your costume looks great. It's so real.

Ooh! I could swear I felt a kick.

You stop that, baby Hodge. We do not kick people, unless they're servants.

Why didn't you tell me she was home?

Oh, it's just a quick visit. She's driving back tomorrow.

To Switzerland?

Let's go get some cake, dear.

What do you think you're doing? Exactly what my mother wants.

You did say to be more like you, right?

That's not what I meant, and you know it, and as for your little imitation of me, I don't sound anything like that.

Danielle? Who are you supposed to be?

Really, Karen, I don't think our lord is amused when we make light of witchcraft, and you might use a coaster.

Oh, I get it. She's you.

I just don't see how he could not feel bad about it.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

You know, I expected to meet a guy that was racked with remorse, and instead, I'm looking across the table at this...

Person. He's a person.

Yeah, an evil person.

No, he's a good guy who did an evil thing.

There's a difference.

Well, I don't see one.

Look, he snapped. It happens. People snap. I did.

I killed a guy.

You killed a crooked cop who was coming after you.

That's self-defense, and even so, you regret it, right? Yes, of course.

Well, that's my point. When good people snap, they feel bad about it. Your dad doesn't.

Susan, why are you getting so worked up over this?

I don't know. It just bothers me.

I mean... my god, Mike.

He's your dad.

Yeah, I know, and this conversation is exactly why I told you he was dead.

Lynette!

Honey, are you out here?

Shh!

Is that for the possum?

Yeah.

Now he's playing mind games with me, but I laid out some Halloween candy.

Pretty soon he'll get hungry, and when he does...

Trick or treat.

Lynette...

Shh!

Shh! Do you hear that?

He's making his move.

Lynette, I think you should come inside and lie down for a little while.

No way. He's here, Tom. I can tell.

Okay, now... now you're scaring me.

Why?

Look at yourself.

You've... you've declared jihad on a possum.

This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home, and when that happens, you don't just stand by... you fight it.

Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us.

It will not defeat me.

Okay.

You do what you need to do.

Thank you.

So, Bree, have you, uh, picked a name for the baby yet?

Not yet, but I'm thinking

"you're not good enough" if it's a boy, and "you'll always disappoint me" if it's a girl.

Okay, you made your point. Now go home.

Are you kidding me?

This is the most fun I've had in eight months. Do not test me, young lady, or I will drag you out of here myself.

You make a scene? Ha! That's a laugh.

What's wrong?

I think my water just broke.

Oh, dear heavenly lord.

Hey!

What happened to my rug?

Danielle!

We agreed to save that till the end of the night.

The best part of the costume, and she pops the water balloon when people aren't even looking.

Orson! Andrew!

Think we can make it to the hospital?

I don't think so! It's coming.

Okay, everybody, in the house now.

Not on the couch. I just had it reupholstered.

Andrew, take your sister into the kitchen.

Get some towels. Boil some water.

Everything is gonna be fine. I'm a doctor.

You're a dentist! What if there are complications?

Should an emergency arise, we will simply call an amulet.

A what?

Ambulance.

How many rum punches did you have?

There was punch in that rum?

I am going back to get Adam.

Bree. Bree, what's wrong?

I need your services as a doctor, but before I tell you what's going on, I need you to promise that what you're about to learn will be kept in strictest confidence. Does this have anything to do with the pregnancy you've been faking?

Okay, you're almost there.

Danielle, you're doing great. Push, baby, push.

Aah!

Are they home? The lights are on.

Here it comes!

If they're not home, then what's that?

Probably just a tape they put on to scare us.

Well, you know the rule.

If we don't get our treat, they get a trick. Yeah.

Come on.

And... thank you.

Oh.

Okay.

It's a beautiful baby boy.

Shh.


How are you feeling?

Tired.

Did Adam leave?

Uh, yeah, and he promised that no one would ever know what happened here tonight.

That's good, I guess.

Is he okay?

He's perfect.

He's, um, he's all cleaned up now, if... if you want to hold him.

Yeah.


He's so tiny.

He looks just like you did.

Do you want to be alone with him?

Do you want me to...

To go?

What should I do?

You should take him.

Are you sure?

Sweetheart, do you feel like you're making a mistake?

No, it's...

The right thing to do for everyone...

Especially him.

But you're right.

It's awful.

I'm gonna sleep now.

Okay, baby.

It's okay, little one.

Here we are. Here we go.

Yes, here we go.

Susan, hey, it's me.

Um, sorry to leave this message on your machine, but can you tell the other girls I'm, uh, going to be by myself for a while?

I... just...

Going through some stuff and need to think.

Um... oh, god, that's my car ready to take me to the airport, so I'll tell you everything when I get back.

Okay? Love you. Bye.

This is nice.

I didn't order a stretch, but I'll take it.

Ah.

Victor.

I tried reaching you at the house, but the maid said you'd moved out.

I took the next flight home. What's going on?

Well, I'm... sort of leaving you.

Well, I guess "sort of" is better than "definitely."

What do I have to do to make it "absolutely not"?

I'll do anything. Just tell me.

Victor, it's not that simple. We have major problems, and you never have time to talk about them, let alone fix 'em.

Well, I guess I better make some time.

Let's see.

Here's this weekend.

Here's next week.

The week after. Look at that. I've got a whole month.

You busy?

Victor, I know you're only doing this because a divorce would hurt your run for governor.

What if I don't run?

You mean that?

The governor's mansion is my father's dream.

You know what my dream is?

You.

Don't run away, Gaby...

And if you do, please, take me with you.

So... where's Mike?

At the motel. I slipped out without waking him.

I've been up all night thinking, and I have something to say to you.

Oh?

I don't believe you.

I don't believe that you could kill a man and not regret it.

Why do you care?

Because I am carrying a baby that has your genes.

If my doctor told me that there was something wrong with this baby... Something physical, I could handle that.

I would probably even love it more.

But if my baby was born without a conscience, without a soul, I don't know what I would do.

You think I don't have a soul?

If you can't feel the tiniest bit of remorse over taking a human life...

No, I don't think you do.

If I were to think about what I did, really think about it, lay awake nights trying to remember the look on that guy's face when I strangled the life out of him...

Pretty soon, I'd go crazy.

I should go.

You know what i do regret?

What I did to Mike.

What did you do?

He was a real popular kid. Everybody liked Mikey.

Then when I got sent away, suddenly the whole town just thinks of him as the son of a murderer.

He got some pretty serious demons as a result.

I'm not sure that kind of darkness ever truly goes away.

Well, you're wrong.

He's happy.

He's got a good job and a wife who loves him and a baby on the way.

I had a lot going for me, too, before I threw it all away.

Just...

Keep on eye on him.


Edie, if you're looking for Gaby, she just left for her yoga class.

Yoga... Is that what she told you?

I'm sorry.

I know how angry and humiliated you must feel.

But don't take it all out on Gaby.

Carlos seduced her.

He hated you for taking his wife, so he decided to make a fool out of you.

I think he deserves whatever's coming to him, don't you?

Hey! Hey! Hey, quiet. She's napping.

Finally. How'd you get her to do that?

Oh, I-I made her a Margarita. The Tequila did the rest.

Hmm, it's Dr. Rushton.

Her oncologist?

Hey.

Hey, Dr. Rushton.

What... what are you doing here?

Well... So much of my job is delivering bad news, that I really wanted to tell you this in person.

Lynette, I got the test results back. You're clean.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Oh! Lymph nodes are completely clear. Congratulations.

I knew it. I knew it!

Did you hear that? Did you hear that?

This is so amazing. I'm gonna go get the kids.

Hey, doc, you look like you need a Margarita.

And even if you don't, I ain't drinking alone.


I'm sorry.

There is much to be afraid of in this world, but what we fear has nothing to do with gruesome masks or plastic spiders or lifelike monsters.

No, it's the thoughts in our head that terrify us the most...

What if she comes to regret her decision?

What if he really is unhappy?

What if the chance for love has passed forever?

How do we conquer these terrifying thoughts?

We start by reminding ourselves what does not kill us...

Just makes us stronger.