Desperate Housewives S4E7 Script

You Can't Judge a Book by Its Cover (2007)

Previously on...

Danielle had her baby... on Halloween.

You said my father didn't care about me.

Katherine revealed a secret.

I want you to imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter.

Lynette got great news.

I got the test results back. You're clean.

While Mike tried to ease his pain, Victor... You know what my dream is?

Reached out to Gaby. You.

Don't run away, Gaby. But if you do, take me with you.

And Edie got revenge.

Don't take it all out on Gaby.

Carlos decided to make a fool out of you.

The thing you need to know about Victor Lang is that he was not above using deception.

Whether it was an insincere promise to a campaign donor, or the artful evasion of a reporter's question, or an outright lie to his constituents, Victor did what he had to to get what he wanted.

But thanks to some compromising photos, he learned that his wife knew a little something about deception as well.

For the last time, Carlos, stop calling me.

I told you, I just wanna talk.

And I told you it's over. So what, you're just gonna go back to that chicken-lipped albino? I don't know.

I'm taking it one day at a time.

But what I can say about Victor is he doesn't lie to me about how much money he's got. Look, I said I was sorry.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, well, I-I gotta go, Bree.


It's Bree.

Okay, so I just informed my staff that I'm taking the next month off to give my wife the honeymoon she always wanted.

That's amazing. Where should we go? Well, I left some travel magazines in the bedroom.

Why don't you go get 'em? Oh!

Oh, my god, Victor.

A month in Rio sounds like heaven, doesn't it?

Oh, it does. Let's do it. Ooh!

Hey, why don't we kick off our reconciliation with a little weekend on the boat?

That's so romantic. I love that. Huh?

Just you and me, all alone, out in the middle of the ocean.

The girls are gonna be so jealous.

Oh, no, no, no, let's not tell anyone we're going.

It'll be our little secret.

Yes, Victor was not above using deception to get what he wanted, and what he wanted now was revenge.

The next day on Wisteria Lane began with a bit of deceit.

Bree Hodge told her friends she had given birth in the middle of the night to a beautiful baby boy.

And thanks to the healthy lungs of Benjamin Tyson Hodge, it didn't take long for Bree's friends to engage in some deceit of their own.

Well, he's just a little piece of heaven.

You're so blessed. Makes me wanna have another one myself.

Orson, you better take Benjamin to the other room before my friends run out of lies. Ah.


They don't appreciate a healthy pair of lungs, that's all, huh?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Come on, Benjamin.

Hey, Lynette, you tell everyone your news? No. This is about the baby.

Wait. Did you have that final scan?

Did you hear something? Well, the results are back, and while you can never actually say you're cured...

She's cured!

Oh, my god! Oh, yeah!

I have to get checked every six months, but, yes, the doctor is very optimistic.

Hey, what the hell is all this racket?

Someone win the lotto?

Oh, I was just telling everybody the good news about my...


Hey, congrats!

I'm a survivor myself.


Ooh, muffins.

Hey, show some class. Introduce yourself.

Hi. I'm Stan.

Is Th... is that my robe?

Yeah. Sorry, uh...

If I knew when I walked into that card club last night that I would be going home with this lovely lady, I'd have packed me a change of clothes.

Okay, I get it. We'll get out of your hair.

Come on, handsome. Let's take a shower.


Mike, how long are you gonna be?

We've gotta get this food over to Bree's before it gets cold.

You know, Susan, I don't feel like going over there tonight.

Can't you just drop it off? No, they just had a baby.

We're gonna "ooh," we're gonna "ahh," and then we're gonna eat. But I'm tired.

I worked all day. I got a job first thing in the morning.

There's no way out of it, Mike.

This is what we do in the suburbs.

Ah, yes...

The suburbs.

And how does Danielle like her baby brother?

Oh, she adores him.

She just felt terrible that she had to leave for school so soon.

Mm... Mm.

Speaking of which, we have some extra preschool applications if the two of you are interested.

Isn't it a little early to be talking preschool?

She just got pregnant. Our baby still looks like a sea horse. Oh, honey.

You'd be surprised how fast the best schools fill up.

And only the best for our kid, right?

I'd start saving your pennies.

Bonny briar's up to $10,000 a year.

10,000 dollars...

For used legos and a potty chair?

And you'd better apply now.

Debbie Gottlieb had her baby the same day I did, and she could only get wait-listed at her first three choices.

Oh, by the way, we were invited to her bris this Saturday.

Well, make an excuse for me. I thought you liked Debbie and Lou.

Oh, I do.

I just don't care to watch them ritually mutilate their child.

More moo shu, please.

Circumcision's not mutilation.

It's a simple surgery meant to promote lifelong masculine hygiene.

It's a, uh, traumatic procedure which reduces the male's capacity for sexual pleasure by desensitizing the tip of...

We know what it is.

Gee, I don't think I've ever heard such strong opinions on the subject.

I mean, not that it's something I talk about a lot...

Or ever.

I hope I didn't offend you.

I haven't heard a word since "$10,000."

It's just that I remember my own circumcision so vividly.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

My parents disagreed on this issue, too.

My dad said no.

So mother just bided her time until he finally left town on business.

I was 5.

Whoa. Ouch.

She told me we were going for ice cream.

That's why the procedure should be done on babies.

They won't remember.

Now can we please just drop this?


So, Susan, you mentioned something about bringing dessert.

What is it?


Ice cream.


Oh, so you found the chocolate sauce?

Oh, uh, yeah, it's right here.

Is everything okay? Oh, yeah. I was just taking a couple of aspirin.

I hope Orson's rant didn't give you a headache.

Oh, no, I've just still got a little pain from my accident, that's all. Still? That was nearly two years ago.

Well, it's just a twinge every now and then.

Aspirin does the trick.

No, no, no, no. I'll get that.

I thought you kept your boat at the yacht club.

Yeah, I wanted to leave from here.

This way, we avoid the congestion at the Marina. Where's the crew?

There's no crew. I let 'em go.


Who's gonna bring us umbrella drinks and salute us when we walk by?

Just consider me your one-man Navy.

So you're gonna drive this thing by yourself? Well, you can help.

Didn't that captain give you lessons last summer?

Oh, that's right...

Those two boring hours I'll never get back.

Well, the good news is this trip will be anything but boring.



We need to talk about this Stan thing.

Oh, is that his name? Stan?

Uh, when he left, I just sort of said, "see ya."

Well, it got me thinking about how much you've had to put your life on hold these past few months. No big deal.

No, it wasa big deal.

You have taken amazing care of me.

But I know you have so many things you wanna get back to.

Mm, not really.

Come on. It must be driving you crazy living with five screaming kids underfoot.

I don't blame you for wanting a little peace and quiet.

You need to leave, mom.


Okay, I-I know I shouldn't have brought...

Stan into the house.

And next time, I promise you we will do it in the car.

It's not just that.

It's the smoking and the swearing and the teaching the kids how to make a whiskey sour.

It's a science, Lynette.

It's called mixology.

I just think it would work better for everyone if you got your own place.

Okay. With what money?

You have money, right?

I mean, you loaned us that $10,000.

Yes, I did.

Wait a minute.

That was all the money you had?

You guys needed it, and I needed a place to stay.

It seemed like it turned out pretty well for everybody.

What do you mean? I thought you were living with Lucy.

Your sister kicked me out.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Lynette, but your cancer couldn't have come at a better time.

Hey, I need your help with a school thing.

Wow. You never ask for my help. Must be something easy.

What do you know about Dylan's dad?

We've got this genealogy project for school, and she wants to find out about him.

Maybe Dylan should ask her mom.

She gets really weird talking about him.

Why is that, by the way?

Okay, don't tell anybody I told you this.

Her mom said something at my party about her dad being abusive towards Katherine...

And maybe Dylan, too.

Oh. So I'm thinking that it would be better if you could get her to research somebody else in her family.


Maybe you're right.

Listen, I-I was talking to my mom, and...


I heard.

Susan? Hi. It's, uh, Bree. I'm glad you're home.

Uh, listen, I-I thought I might stop by for a little visit.


Look, I've only got, uh, about an hour before my next job.

Uh, is it okay if I grab lunch in front of the TV?

I wanted to watch the game. Oh, sure. I'll... I'll bring up a tray.

Oh, thanks.

Bree thinks you're doing drugs.

She found this on her kitchen floor, and it's not aspirin.

Well, you know, my shoulder's been hurting lately.

She says it's a narcotic, and it's highly addictive.

Given your history...

Whoa, whoa, Susan, these... these were prescribed by a doctor right after my accident.

I found a couple in the medicine cabinet, and I've been carrying 'em around in case my shoulder acts up. Really?

Yeah. Really. They were the last two.

So you got nothing to worry about.

Oh, thank god! You have no idea where my mind went.

I had you roaming back alleys to score your dope, pawning our good silver to pay your dealer.

And we don't even have good silver, so it got worse 'cause you had to knock over a gas station to buy the silver to pawn it off.

I was really making myself crazy.

I'm sorry about that.

But I reiterate... Old pill, no problem.

I knew it. I'm so happy.

Mmm. Good.

Mm, now fix me some lunch, woman.

Oh! I wanna watch the damn game.

Can I help you?

Yes, um, can you tell me who I would talk to about having my baby circumcised?

What do you mean you can't help me?

I received a registered letter from your husband which reads, "I do not wish for my son, Benjamin Hodge, "to be circumcised.

Should the recipient of this letter encounter my wife..."

"Please feel free to show her this letter

"and assure her of its wide distribution

"to hospitals and physicians across this and two neighboring states."

Does this seem too warm to you? That you even felt such a thing was necessary.

Well, obviously, it was. Forgive me for knowing my wife.

What's that supposed to mean? You don't trust me?

I trust you not to break your word.

Since you've pointedly refused to give it, I trusted you to snip first and debate the merits later.

I'm only thinking of Benjamin. Be reasonable.

You're the one who's unreasonable.

What have you got against untrimmed penises?

They're... unsightly.

I do not want our son to be teased...

For being different. Do you?

Ah, so in the end, it all comes down to tradition and conformity.

What is wrong with that? I thought we liked conformity.

Not at the price of pain and reduced sexual pleasure.

I can tell you someone whose sexual pleasure is going to be reduced big-time!

Hey, sweetheart.

What's that?

Just something for school.

What was that name you just typed in?

We were assigned a genealogy project.

I have to do research on my father.

I will call your teacher.

She'll assign you a different project.

What do you think you're doing?

I am learning about my father.

Dylan! For years, you have told me that my father is too evil to talk about.

Now I find out you've discussed him at a neighborhood game night?!

Regardless, I am still your mother, and while you're under my roof, you will obey my rules.

And what if I don't?

Are you gonna slap me again, kick me out of the house?

Go ahead. Try it. See what happens.

I'm sorry, mom.

You can't stop me this time.

I am officially no longer afraid of you.

And he needed something for the pain, so he happened to find the last two pills in the medicine cabinet, and he took 'em.

It's no big deal.

Let me show you something.

You see this breadmaker?

This is where I hid a bottle of chardonnay after I told everyone I'd stopped drinking.

Oh, but this isn't the same thing.

Mike wouldn't lie to me about this.


And this rotating spice rack?

Those little airplane bottles of vodka fit perfectly in the back.

He said there were no more pills.

I was looking him in the eye.

Susan, addicts are experts at deception.

My advice to you...


But verify.

So... this is nice...

Little family get-together.

Why didn't you call Lucy?

Oh, you know her, always busy.

So, mom... you look good.

Thanks. You seeing anybody?

Not that I wanna tell you about.

Mm, still alone.

Ooh, look. The special is chicken.

Doesn't that sound good? Ooh, order me one.

I-I'm going to the bar and... and check the score on the game. Have fun.

I know what this is, and I'm not doing it.

What? What? We're having lunch. She's not moving back in.

I resist your attempts to manipulate me.

Nobody is manipulating you.

My boundaries are strong.

I know what I want, and I deserve to be happy.

What have you got there? Are you reading from something?


As soon as you invited me to lunch, I called my therapist.

And he told me you'd try to guilt me into taking mom back, but...

"I will not be emotionally blackmailed."

Give me that.

I already had her, Lynette.

She stayed with me for two years...

Two year sin which my weight ballooned.

She put me through four different hairstyles.

Once, she even brought home this guy she met at a bar.

She's so not like that now.

I don't care.

The day she moved out, I got my life back.

So if you wanna have lunch, fine.

But that's it.

Okay. Okay.


Good for you.

I'm sorry.

Where's the chicken?

Oh, yeah. Where is that waiter? I'm gonna go find him.

Just hear me out.

If you trim the sides in a little, I think you'll lose that wingy effect you have going now.


Well, I'm just saying that with the shape of your face, you're not doing yourself any favors. Do you think you could go for one minute without being critical?

What are you talking about?

I have not said one word about your eye shadow yet.

"I reject your negativity.

I am as beautiful as I feel inside."

Oh, it's you.

Thank you for calling about my painting.

I can't believe I forgot that.

Yeah, I know it meant a lot to you.

There's a hole in it.

Yeah, I don't get modern art either.

Okay, Edie...

I know that you're angry right now, but...

You thinki'mangry?

You should've seen Victor.


Yeah, we had a little chat.

Actually, he didn't believe that you were screwing his wife...

Until I showed him some photos, and then he was just enraged.

It was a little scary.

For god sakes, Carlos, am I gonna have to change this number?

Victor knows.

Knows what? Everything.

Edie told him we're having an affair.

No, that's impossible. He hasn't said a word.

In fact, I've never seen him so sweet and attentive.

It's an act!

Edie said he was enraged.

Well, if he's so mad at me, why would he take me on a boat trip? He took you on a boat?

Oh, crap. I think you need to get out of there.



Oh, uh...

I-I was just talking to... Bree.

Oh. Oh, no, no.

We agreed... total privacy.

When we head home, you can have it back.

And you can talk to... Bree as much as you like.

Can I get you something?

No, I'm good.

You okay?

Uh, actually, I'm really cold.

Maybe we should bail and do this another day.

You know, when it's warmer. It'll warm up.

Oh, okay, well, just in case, we should run back to shore so I can grab a jacket.


You're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

I know about everything... you, Carlos, the affair, everything.

Okay. I am so sorry.

But in my defense, you were always gone, and you knew how needy I was when you married me.

That's it? That's all you have to say to me?

Well, it'd be easier to talk if we were back on shore.

What are you doing?

It's bad enough you've betrayed me.

Now I have to listen to your whining?

I brought something for you.




What's that?

Everything I know about your father...

Date of birth, his mother's name, last known address.

It's everything you need to find him.


Thank you.

Before you take this...

You have to promise me something.


You cannot bring him here...

Or even tell him where I am.


The last time that I saw your father, it was to tell him that I was leaving him, and I was taking you with me.

He, uh, he always liked to slap me around a little bit.

But that night was...


I don't remember everything.

I-I was in pretty bad shape by the end of it.

But once he was done slamming my face into the wall, he started choking me, and he kept screaming that he was gonna kill me.

And the last thought that I had...

Was what would happen to you if I died.

So you can't tell him where I am.

You just can't.

Maybe you can talk to my teacher tomorrow...

And have her give me another assignment.

Thank you.

I told you, if you're gonna have a tree house...

You've gotta keep it clean.

Here. Take these and dump them by the front door.

Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

Mom, hurry. Get out of the car.


Hey, hey! Hey!

No, no, no. You are not leaving those here.

Hi, mom.

Take her away. Unh-unh, Lynette.

You may have been able to strong-arm the weak one, but not me. I'm not weak!

Then why did you call me? Get out of our way. Lucy, every fight we have ever had has ended with my foot on your neck.

I guarantee that this one's gonna end the same way, too.

Maybe we should talk inside.

I'm often asked why the torah tells us that a child must be circumcised on the eighth day of his life.

Some say that's how long it takes to get a decent caterer.

What a lovely ceremony.

I'm Deborah's friend Bree.

I have what may strike you as a very odd request.

Trust me, it won't be one I haven't heard.


Do you think, while you're here, do could do a bris for my baby, too?

Okay, new one.

Good for you.

I know it might seem tacky piggybacking on Deborah's bris, but... we could do it in the den very quietly.

Uh, well, as we just saw, there's so such thing as a quiet bris.

You said your name was Bree?

Yes, Bree Hodge...

Born rabinowitz.

Huh. I wouldn't have taken you for Jewish.

I should only have a nickel for every time I've heard that.

Don't you want a proper bris with your friends and family there? I would love that, but my husband Orson... Big, stubborn, goy.

He says we should do nothing and let the child decide when he's grown.

We don't pick our parents... We should pick our religion?

I wouldn't feel right doing this without speaking to your husband.

Well, he's out of town, and...

Our Benjamin is 8 days old today.

And if I don't do this, my grandma...


Will never forgive me, may she rest in peace.

You realize that this is a covenant?

That whatever your husband says, you are promising to raise your child as a devout Jew?

I swear to you before god that this child will be as devout a Jew as I am.

Hey, where have you been? I woke up, and you were gone.

Oh, we had a very busy day.

We dropped off the dry cleaning, we deposited money into our Christmas account, and then we got circumcised.

You did what?!

It's just a little unsightly foreskin. He'll never miss it.

So why stop there? Why... why not cut off his testicles?

You obviously have no problem going after mine. Orson.

Well, what do you call it, Bree?

Going behind my back, ignoring my feelings on this?

I gave them very serious consideration.

But it's my blood running in his veins, which ultimately makes it my decision.

Your blood?

So who am I to Benjamin?

A friendly uncle? A male nanny?

Of course not.

Then why do you treat me like I'm anything less than his father?

I mean, haven't I earned that during the course of our little hoax?

I lied for you. I-I risked public humiliation.

I do everything but strap on the pregnancy harness myself.

I know that.

I see myself as Benjamin's father.

I need to know if you see me that way, too.

I know how much you love Benjamin.

I guess...

I guess I just have to remember that it's love that makes us a family and not blood.

Your son would like you to hold him.

By the way, his Hebrew name is simcha.

I'll explain later.

Oh, Carlos, thank god you're here.


Where is he? Where's Victor?

Well, I-I clubbed him and knocked him overboard.

He's in the ocean?!

He was going to kill me! He had a gun.

Okay, okay, let me think.

You saw him in the water. I mean, he's not dead, right?

No, he's mad, but he wasn't dead. So then we'll send someone out there to fish him out.

We'll call the police, show 'em the gun and tell that 'em that it was self-defense.

You still have the gun?

It's in there.

Well, maybe he wanted it to muffle the gun.

There is no gun.

Ice pick?

What are you doing? I'm calling the coast guard.

And tell them what, I knocked my husband overboard because he was coming after me with a sweater?

No, come on. We gotta go back out there.

Guys, I can't be any clearer on this.

I am not taking her back. It's your turn, simple as that.

I've had her for four months.

I also had cancer for four months, and if I could've asked one of them to leave, I'm not sure which I would've picked. Oh, four months, boohoo. I had her for a year, and that was the year she joined the gin of the month club.

I don't have any room for her.

I already have seven people in four bedrooms.

There it is... the "I have a family" card. Congratulations. You can reproduce.

We're all thrilled for you.

Why can't you take her?

You are in that huge house all by yourself that you got from the divorce. Dave and I are just separated.

There's a good chance that he's moving back in, but not if mom is living there. Well, we can't just throw her out on the street.

I can.

My therapist said it's time for me to be a little more "Lydia-centric."

I really wanna meet this jackass.

Okay, we all have our excuses, but we gotta figure something out.

Come on. She is our mother.

Is she?

She never acted like one, not that I can remember.

I remember she showed up drunk to my graduation, wearing a housecoat.

Okay, but the point is, she went.

Remember that one Christmas?

And we came down, and there was mom under the tree, passed out drunk in the middle of all of our unwrapped toys.

My raggedy Ann smelled like peppermint schnapps.

Okay, she wasn't perfect, clearly.

But she gave birth to us.

We owe her our lives, and now that she needs us, we can't just turn our back on her.

I know I'm supposed to feel guilty, but I don't.

I don't either.

It's like you're saying you don't care about her.

At all?

And I don't understand that.

Well... if you care so much, then the answer to the problem is sorta obvious, isn't it?

We can help with money.

I can send you $100 a month.


I don't need your money.

I can take care of my mother all by myself.


Here's how you can help...

Don't visit for the next few years, 'cause it seems fairly likely I won't have stopped hating you by then.

I guess that's her way of asking us to leave.

Mom, where's grandma going?



What's that?


Here. Sit him here.

Oh, my god.

You tried to kill me.

Well, I came back for you, didn't I?

What were you thinking?! Well, I thought you were trying to kill me.

I was just trying to talk to you, see if we still had a chance.

I see that you're still screwing this guy.

And what the hell is he doing on my boat?!

You mean, besides saving your life?

That was a big mistake, buddy.

Oh, right.

Yeah, you're the guy that said if anyone messed with your woman, that you'd use your money to make 'em disappear.

But right now it's just you and me.

So how tough are you without your a.T.M. Card?

That's what I figured.

Aah! Victor!

Oh, my god!

Victor! Oh! Oh, my god!

Come on. Get up! Hey. Hey.

Get up. I wanna see the look on your face when the knife goes in.


Oh, I'm getting pretty good at that.

Okay, let's pull him back in again.

What, are you crazy?! Oh, we'll just tie him up so he doesn't cause any trouble.


Where'd he go? Victor!

Victor! Victor!

Maybe we should go back out and look some more.

We looked for six hours. He's gone.

Oh, my god. We killed him.

It was self-defense, right?

I mean, he was trying to kill us. We can't prove that.

This is bad, Gaby.

Oh, when people find out we were on that boat with him, it...

Maybe they won't.

What do you mean?

No one but you knows I was with Victor.

I'll say he went out alone.

I told him I was leaving him, and he was depressed, suicidal even.

Only one problem...

The boat's right here.

Then maybe the boat needs to go back out...


Whatever you're thinking, I can explain.

I'm thinking that you're a drug addict and a liar, so say something that's not that. Susan, listen...

Is it so horrible living with me?

I mean, do I make you so miserable that you can't even face me without numbing the pain?

Of course not.

I love you.

Well, if you did, you wouldn't be doing this!

I mean, my god, Mike, we have a baby on the way!

Can I say something now?

Sure, go ahead. Oh, should I look you in the eyes?

Does it make it easier for you to lie?

I didn't tell you...

About the pills 'cause I didn't want you to feel guilty.

Me feel guilty?


When I put in that water heater for McCluskey, I really wrenched my shoulder, and the doctor told me I should take a break, but I didn't because that was the day we found out you were pregnant.

And from then on, all I have heard about are car seats and strollers and $10,000 preschools.

You know, it didn't seem like a really good time for me to quit working.

Mike, we don't need any of that stuff.


You say that now.

But when Benjamin Hodge is in Harvard, and our kid's just a plumber like his dad...

I just want to be able to give him the advantages I never got.

God, the only advantage he needs is to have a healthy dad who's not doing this.

You're right.

I get it. Okay?

I'm done.

I wanna believe you. It's just...

That addicts are good at lying.


All right...

How about this?

You believe me now?

Thank you.


You find it in all the best homes.

Parents rely on it when dealing with inquisitive children...

Women use it to help keep secrets... big and small.

Lovers need it to cover up inconvenient accidents.

Why do people resort to deception?

Because it's a handy tool that helps get us exactly what we're looking for.