Desperate Housewives S4E8 Script

Distant Past (2007)

Previously on...

Mike was the victim...

Of a hit and run.

Lynette couldn't forgive her mother's past.

You had Tom to come home to. I had your stepfather.

Hey, Glen may have bored you, but the years we had a father in that house were the happiest of my life. You drove him away. Mom, where's grandma going?

Bree got her second chance to be a good mother.

Mike's dependency grew...

Addicts are experts at deception.

Victor! Get up. I wanna see the look on your face when the knife goes in. Uhh!

And Victor was lost at sea.

We think of the past as water under the bridge, a current that carries away the mistakes of our youth...

The loves we lost...

The addictions we gave into...

The opportunities we threw away...

But sooner or later, reminders drift back into our lives...

Of the mistakes we made...

And the sins we committed.

Carlos, why are you calling me?

I told you we can't be seen together. I can't take it anymore.

We gotta go to the cops. Oh, okay. And say what? "Yes, officer", "my lover and I knocked my husband overboard twice

"and left him for dead. Okay. Bye-bye." I don't think so.

But he's the mayor.

You know, people are gonna notice he's missing, and then they're gonna ask questions.

Let them ask. No one knows we were on that boat.

Let's just play dumb and ride this thing out. Gaby, don't you feel guilty? A man is dead.

Yes, I feel awful, but he threatened our lives.

It was self-defense.

Exactly. So then why don't we go and tell the police?


He took the lord's name in vain.

Look, we have a good plan.

Let's just stick to it.

Okay, okay. I won't say anything.

Good. Now until this blows over, don't call me again.

What are you doing now?

I'm praying for a miracle.

Carlos, if Victor had lived, he would've killed us.

I'm thinking we already had our miracle.

Yes, the mistakes of our past have a way of drifting back into our lives...

And when they do...

We have to pay for them.

One day in the early fall, Mike Delfino hurt his shoulder.

Ow! God.

To ease his pain, he took a little white pill recommended by his doctor.

The pain persisted, so he took another...

And another.

Unfortunately, when Mike's pain began to subside, his need for the little white pills...

Did not.

But Mike never shared this with those who cared about him, only with those who could not have cared less.

Hey, it's Mike. I'm out. I need to meet you tomorrow.

Great. Got that money you owe me?

No, but you know I'm good for it.

You price chemistry textbooks lately?

They're, like, 300 bucks.

I need my money, Mike.

And you'll get it, all right?

Can't you just front me something for now?

Well, advice is free. Pills aren't.

My advice... get some cash.


So, hey, you know, I better get going.

Yeah, um, I should, too.



Can we talk? This will just take a second.

Did you kiss that boy?

No, I was kind of interrupted. Oh, well, you're gonna thank me.

Do you know that he has his tongue pierced?

Yeah. He showed me. How do you know? I checked out his web page.

You did not. I did, too, and do you know what else he has pierced?

And if you do, you're grounded. Okay, yes, mom, Derek has bought into the whole piercing craze, but aren't you the one who told me to not judge a book by its cover? If the cover has holes in it, the book is no good.

Okay, this conversation is over.

I am going to kiss Derek good night. Oh, fine. Break my heart.

Why are you freaking out? We're just dating.

It's not like he's trying to put a ring on my finger.

Trust me. Your finger is not where he'd put it.

Aw, he's so beautiful when he sleeps.

I'll put him in the crib.

No, he'll be sleeping with us.

Why? Is he running a fever?

He's fine, but I've been doing some reading, and more and more people say that babies sleep better next to their parents.

It's called the "family bed." No, I've heard of that.

Isn't it designed to facilitate breast-feeding?

Partly. What's your point?

You're not lactating. If our son wants to be near the milk, he'll have to sleep in the refrigerator.

This isn't just for me and Benjamin.

This will help you bond with him, too.

Oh, perhaps, but it's sure not gonna help me bond with you.

Darling, sex is the last thing women want right after they've given birth.

But you didn't give birth. You watched and served refreshments.

Well, that doesn't make caring for an infant any less tiring.

Can't we just give it a chance?

I suppose.

What if I roll over and crush him?


Yes, hi. I'm looking for my mom.

She hangs out at your bar sometimes.

Stella Wingfield?

Uh, older lady, big smoker, talks like a teamster.

Well, that's your fault for letting her run a tab.

Look, if you see her, could you tell her to call Lynette?

Thank you.

I know that you are worried, but I am sure your mother is fine.

She's broke and old and rude.

That is not a winning combination on the street.

Stella is very resourceful.

Didn't you tell me that she once made her own booze by putting a bag of oranges under the radiator?

Lucy, Lydia and I fought over who had to take her.

She was right outside. God only knows what she heard us say. Yeah, well, after the crap she put you guys through, you have every right to resent her. It is a lot easier to resent your parents when you know they're safe in some retirement village, but to know that she's out there, maybe lying facedown in an alley...

This is exactly what she wants you to do.

She wants you to feel guilty. Don't buy into it.

Okay. Okay.

I guess you're right.


The morgue is listed under government offices, right?

Mrs. Lang?

The police are here.



I'm detective Berry. This is detective Lyons.

Can we ask you a few questions?

Of course.

When was the last time you saw Mr. Lang?

I guess two days ago. Why? What's wrong?

His office has reported him missing. Oh, no. They did?

And this morning, the coast guard found his empty boat floating in the bay.

Oh, my god. I hope this isn't...


Last time I saw him, I told him I was leaving him.

How did he react to that news?

Well, he took it pretty hard.

Oh, you don't think he did anything stupid, do you?

Well, actually, we don't.

You don't?

When we examined the boat, we didn't find a single fingerprint, not even Mr. Lang's.

Well, that's weird.

What... what do you think that means?

It would indicate somebody wiped that boat down after Mr. Lang was... Gone.

Whoever was on that boat is clearly not that bright.

Okay, this is no time for name-calling. A man is missing.

Well, don't worry, ma'am.

We got our best men on this case, 'round the clock.

We'll find out exactly what happened to your husband.




Hi. I'm Barrett. Is Mike home? No, he's at work.

Oh, shoot. I needed to talk to him.

We're, uh, just doing some business together.

Well, I don't know when he's gonna be home, but you could come back later tonight. Oh, I can't do that. I have to study for an orgo test.

Orgo? Organic chemistry. I'm pre-med.



Oh, hello, dear.

Andrew, get Orson's plate from the oven.

Ask me how my morning was.

All right. How was it?

After two nights of sleepless bonding with my son, I nearly dozed off while repairing Mrs. Colby's cracked molar.

I doubt if the crown I put in will last her a year.

So you'll replace it for free.

That's not the point.

How is a dentist supposed to feel when he can't give a 90-year-old a lifetime guarantee?

Bree, I'm sorry, but this whole family bed thing has to stop.

Oh, give it some time. We're still adjusting, and Benjamin is sleeping so soundly.

Well, he can sleep just as soundly in a crib.

From what you've told me, you and Rex didn't haul Andrew into bed with you. No, and I wish we had.

If we did, he mightn't have turned out so...

So what?

Stupid? Lazy? Short?

I was going to say angry, and perhaps that anger began when we exiled you to the nursery.

I'm just trying to learn from my mistakes.

So I'm... I'm what, like the first pancake?

Don't be so sensitive.

We'll find something to help you sleep... maybe some warm milk.

I know something that used to help me sleep.

Of course, that's off the menu these days. Could the mistake have the salt?

And if you're as tired as you say you are, then you're bound to sleep better tonight.

Yes, I will, because I'll be sleeping in the den. You're leaving our bed?

Darling, I need to either sleep or get lucky tonight.

I'll have a better shot at both if I'm alone.

Gosh, you're studying to be a doctor.

That must not leave you a lot of free time for hobbies or... a girlfriend.

Well, I have the time. I just don't have the girlfriend.

Oh. Well, no rush.

You know, just yesterday, I was telling my daughter Julie...

Oh, you know, that is so rude.

I-I'm talking about my daughter, and you don't even know what she looks like.

That's her.

She's cute.

Oh, Barrett, I wasn't fishing for compliments.

If i was...

I would've shown you this one.


Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I gotta take this.

Oh, sure. I have to check on the laundry.


No, bonehead, I don't sell that stuff.

Just pills, smokes and 'shroomage. That's it.

20 bucks, cash only. Meet you at the dorm.

Look what I found on the dryer.

Julie won second place in the state science fair.

That's awesome.

Yeah, good-looking and smart.

Only problem is, where is she gonna find someone else like that?

Well, I gotta get going. My study partner's giving me a hard time about that test, so...

Oh, that's okay. You know, why don't you come back tomorrow to see Mike, and if Julie happens to be here, maybe you can give her some advice on picking out colleges and stuff.

Yeah, sounds great. See you tomorrow, Mrs. Delfino. Oh, please, call me "mom."

Uh, because...

That's what all the kids call me.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Bree. Table for, uh, one and a half?

No, thanks. I'm just dropping off Andrew's cell phone.

He forgot it again. Okay. I'll give it to him.

Um, Tom, may I ask you something? Mm-hmm.

Did you and Lynette do the family bed when your children were babies? Well, it wasn't exactly a choice.

They just kept crawling in there.

So, um, not to pry, but, um, did that create any, uh, issues for you?

You mean sex? Apparently, "not to pry" wasn't necessary.

Well, it did put a crimp on things at first, but that just forced us to be more creative.

Oh. Again, not to pry, but...

The office.

We did it at the office, once in the car, and you remember when you asked us to watch the house when you guys were going out of town?

Okay. Thanks. Yes, um, we'll be going now.

Hey, other than your issue, how does Orson like being a dad?

Oh, he just adores it.

The three of us are such a happy little family.

Aren't we? Mm. That is great.

Bye. Bye.

Well, I replaced that gasket. Shouldn't leak anymore.


Why don't you grab us a couple beers?

Sylvia. What are you doing here?

Beautiful house.

Look, you need to leave.

I don't want Katherine finding you here.

Oh, but Katherine's gone.

I waited until she drove away so we could be alone.

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

After you ruined my life? I don't think so.

You ruined your own life.

You should have told the truth about us.

Sylvia, why don't you do us both a favor and go back to Chicago?

Adam, let me in.

Hey, man. Your, uh, your beer's getting warm.

Oh, you have guests.

Well, I guess I'll just drop by some other time.

I'm sorry, man. It just sounded like you needed a little help.

Thanks. That's, um, a-an ex-patient... Oh.

With some pretty serious mental problems.

Uh, could you do me a big favor?

I'd rather Katherine didn't know she was here.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's no problem.

You know, actually, I was gonna ask you a favor, too.

I've got this pain in my shoulder.

You... you think you could write me a prescription?

Oh, I wish I could help you out, but a gynecologist writing a prescription for a man?

It kind of raises a red flag.


Ah, don't worry about it.

This favor thing doesn't have to go both ways.

Linda, is Mrs. Zimmerman here?

Hello, doctor.

Bree. What a wonderful surprise.

Uh, I've got a new patient coming in.

Mmm, yes, you do.

I'm Mrs. Zimmerman.

Uh, your message said you had a cavity that needed filling?

I was in a very naughty mood when I left that.

You're waiting outside. Why are you waiting outside?

Everything is fine. It's just, um, someone's here.

Oh, my god. It's the police?

No, no. No, nothing like that.

It's your stepfather.


I don't believe it.


Oh, it's been a long time.

Oh, god. Only three decades give or take a year, but who cares?

Oh, gosh. You look great.

Oh, so do you, although what... what... what's this?

Oh, just a little cancer.

No, but I kicked its ass. I'm good now.



Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi!

You come here. Oh!

So why... why are you here?


Your mother called me.

She did? Is she okay?

Uh, she sounds fine. She asked for money.

I didn't know you guys had kept in touch.

Well, we hadn't. I'm meeting her tomorrow at Fairview park to give it to her, and I'm guessing you'll want to come with me.

Yes, yes, thank you, but where has she been staying?

She broke into a car and spent the night there.

Oh, my god.

But she did say it was a Cadillac.

Oh, well, good. At least she's not living like a hobo.

Oh, my god. I'm so glad to see you again.

Oh, you, too, Lynnie.


Hey, Bree.

Oh. Hello, Adam.

I just dropped by to see your husband. Is he here?

He's in the exam room, readjusting the chair.

Look, I'm sorry Mike is in such pain, but it's not really ethical for me to write him a prescription.

I know it's a little dicey, but you'd really be doing me a big favor.

By the way, Bree looks great.

I haven't seen her since I delivered Danielle's baby.

Sorry. Your baby.

Hey, Andrew.

What are you doing?

Just giving you that sewing room you always wanted.

You're moving out?

But you can't afford an apartment.

I can afford this one, which will give you some idea how crappy the neighborhood is.

I'm sorry. I don't... I don't understand.

Why are you doing this?

I'm doing this for you. How are you gonna get a fresh start with your past mistakes stinking up the place?

Is this about the other morning?

Oh, for heaven sakes, you can't be serious.

I am. In fact, I already gave the landlord a check.

So I hope the three of you are very happy.

Well, to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable giving this to you, Mike.

Pain medication only helps your symptoms.

If this is chronic, you need to be seeing a physical therapist.

You know what I need, Orson? I need to take a few weeks off, but I can't, 'cause I've got to work...

For the baby, for Julie's class trip, the patio furniture and everything else Susan's got me paying for.

Are you okay, Mike? You sound a little unhappy.

No, no, I'm happy, and I don't mean to put all of this on Susan.

It's just, when I signed up for this suburban dad thing, I didn't exactly know what I was getting myself into.

No, I understand.

Still, this is no way to deal with stress.

It's not about stress.

It's about the pain I've been in every day since I got hit by that car.

You mean this pain is related to your accident?

It wasn't an accident.

Some son of a bitch ran me down and took off.


Well, I hope this helps.


Oh, Mike, you're home.

I was dreaming we were ponies.

That's nice. Go back to sleep.

Hey, that kid, um, Barrett came by today.


Yeah, he said that you owed him money for some...

Plumbing job that he helped you on.

Yeah. Yeah, I gotta get that to him.


He's coming back tomorrow.

Don't you think he would be perfect for Julie?

Barrett, it's Delfino.

I'm only gonna say this once. I'll get you your money, but don't ever come to my house again.

You got it?


Yes, hello.

I'd, uh, like to leave an anonymous tip about something important.

Uh, do you have some kind of voice mail menu for that?

Well, it's about the mayor.

Oh, I don't think he's missing.

I think he's dead.

Look, that's it. We gotta go to the cops.

Carlos, please.

Look, we blew it with the fingerprints, all right?

Now they know someone else was with him on the boat.

They don't know that someone else was us. It's just a matter of time.

I mean, make a list of people with a motive to kill Victor.

Number one... you. Number two... you.

Number three... maybe me, probably still you.

Okay, if we just stay calm and stick to the story...

We tried that.

It's not working.

I'm going to the cops.

Now you can either come with me or wait for them to come and get you.

Fine. I'll go.

Thank you.

Can we at least have a drink before we go? Calm our nerves?

I mean, you can't talk to the cops the way you've been babbling to me.

I guess one drink wouldn't hurt.

You okay with Tequila?

Only if it's the good stuff!

Oh, I think you'll find this has a real kick.

Oh, and this is the worst. During a dissection, my anatomy lab partner squirted stomach juice in my eye.

Ew. That is so disgusting. Oh, it was terrible.

So gross. Ew.

Hey. What are you smiling about?

My matchmaking skills.

Julie and Barrett are really hitting it off.


Yeah, your friend.

I told you last night he was coming by again.

I appreciate all the pressure you're putting on me. You're welcome.

Uh, Julie, could you give us a minute?

Barrett and I have a little business to discuss.

Sure. I'll just grab my jacket.

I thought I told you to stay away from my house.

But your wife invited me.

And, hey, you married into a cute family. Kudos.

Here's your money. Now get out.

We were just leaving. I'm taking Julie on a tour of my campus.

There is no way I'm letting her go anywhere with a lowlife drug dealer.

Lowlife? Dude, I'm a pre-med student who's found an enterprising way to earn his way through college.

You, on the other hand, are a junkie, and I don't think you want your cute family knowing that, do ya?

I'll have her home by 10:00.

Mmm. This is delicious, Mrs. Delfino.

Thank you. Hey, you know, would you like me to pack some up for you guys to take?

This guy's a drug dealer.


You remember those pills you found? He sold them to me.

Look, Mrs. Delfino...

Get out of my house.

Get him out of my house!

Okay. I'll go.

It's a shame, though.

He was such a good customer.


Where'd Barrett go?

Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden?

Oh, I don't know, but if you're not feeling well, maybe we should put this off.

No, no, no. We gotta go now.

Crap! What?

Ow. Oh!


Any, uh, news on my husband?

Not yet, but we've got some more questions for you.

Oh, okay. So ask away.

Mrs. Lang, were you having an affair with your ex-husband?


That's crazy. Where'd you hear that?

Your neighbor called us.

Oh. Well, you tell Edie Britt just because Carlos dumped her, doesn't mean she has to go around trashing my reputation, especially when she's the slut.

Well, have you seen him lately?

Boy, let me think. Uh...


No. No, I haven't.

This is Lyons.

We're on our way.

Good news, Mrs. Lang. They found your husband.


A couple of fishermen found him washed up on the beach.

He's unconscious but in stable condition.

Would you like to go to the hospital?

Well, why wouldn't I?

Just let me grab my purse.

Well, you can stop feeling guilty.

Victor's alive, and we're screwed.

Okay, what's the plan?

Once she shows up, you'll meet her and give her the money.

Then ask her to walk you back to the car.

I'll jump out, grab her, and while you open the trunk... Lynette.

Fine, the back seat, but you're just gonna spoil her.

I see you still have that wicked sense of humor.

Yeah. It's the one good thing you get from a crappy childhood.

You know, I...

I always regretted the way things ended.

Why? Mom cheated on you. No one blames you for leaving.

It was, uh, more complicated than that.

Hey, I'm not complaining.


Ah, there's booze-illa now.

All right, I'll go get her.

He bought those pills a long time ago and never got around to paying the guy.


Julie, it's not like it was heroin or crack.

It was just pain pills for his shoulder, but we had a talk, and he has totally stopped taking them.

Are you absolutely sure?



Well, I was at the drugstore this morning, and I saw Mike there, picking up a prescription.

Hello, Stella.

Glen. What the hell?

I know we're the same age.

How is it you look so much better than me?

Well, I don't drink or sleep in cars.

Oh, so that's your secret. Who knew?

Stell, here's the money.

Thanks, doll.

You are a beautiful, beautiful human being.

You son of a bitch. You set me up.


Oh, crap!

Now where do you think you're going?

I'm off to die in a ditch. What do you care?

Okay, enough with the drama. I want you to come home with me.

Oh, really? That's not what you said to Lydia and Lucy.

I am sorry about that, mom. We were just venting.

People who love you need to do that.

I was not a horrible mother, and even if I was, it's old news, so drop it.

Drop it?

Do you hear that? She wants me to drop it.

And when she cheated on you, and when she wrecked our family, I bet she wanted you to drop that, too. Okay, guys...

What's done is done, and if you can't get over it, there's nothing I can say that'll make you stop hating me.

There is one thing you could say. You keep your mouth shut.

Stella, she's a grown woman. She can handle it.

Handle what?

Glen, don't.


I didn't leave your mother because she cheated on me.

I left because I'm gay.

Mom. You okay?

Just a bit dizzy from holding my breath in your stairwell.

May I come in?

Oh, I'd... I'd kind of rather you not see the place until I get it fixed up.

Well, I guess I'll just have to take my veal scaloppini and go home.


I've been so busy with moving, I forgot to eat.

This is really good, mom.

Thank you. You know, I'd make it for you every day if you'd move back home.

Mom, this... This is my home.

Seriously, Andrew, you don't even have a bed.

Actually, you're sitting on it. It's a foldout.

Oh, dear god. At least let me buy you some decent furniture.

Absolutely not. Mom, I'm... I'm gonna do this on my own.

Andrew, I understand you're angry with me about what I said, but...

I do have a good reason for wanting to raise Benjamin differently.

I mean, let's be honest. You put me through hell.

You're right. I-I know I did, but that's why I'm mad.

Because I-I changed, and you never noticed.

You know, I-I got a job, a car, my own health insurance.

I've... I've turned things around.

Well, I know that.

Then why haven't you said anything?

It's because you've been so focused on your new husband and baby.

Oh, Andrew.

Mom, it's okay. You know, you've got a new life, and I think it's time I did, too.

I just don't want us to part on bad terms again, like we did two years ago.

You mean when you left me on the side of that road?

Look, mom...

I was spinning out of control.

You forced me to grow up.

If I haven't said it before, thank you.

You forgive me?

I forgave you a long time ago.

You just...

You just never noticed.

Oh, uh, mom?

Uh, would you mind using a coaster?

Okay. Now I...

I really am gonna cry.

Dave passed away last spring.

We were together almost 20 years.


He seems nice.

I know it's a lot to deal with.


So, uh, coffee's probably ready.

Uh, cream and sugar?

Shot of bourbon?

Why didn't you tell me?

It wasn't my proudest moment, Lynette.

What are you talking about?

I failed as a woman.

Two years being married to me, and he turns gay.

I don't think that's how it works.

All I know is I was... so ashamed.

What does it matter anyway?

It wouldn't have changed anything between us.

Are you kidding?

It would've changed everything.

Oh, y-you would've given me a pass on my drinking and my... my swearing, my... my men?

If I understood why you couldn't stay married to the only father, the only stable parent I'd ever known, yeah, I could've found a way to forgive you all sorts of things.

We can talk about this later.

Let's go home.

I don't think so.

Listen to me.

I would be honored if you would come and live with us.

Having you around these past few months was sort of...


It was great.

We actually figured out a way to stop torturing each other.

Then why not come back?

Because I don't want to screw that up, and let's face it, Lynette. You know I would.

So why don't we just take our chips and leave the table winners?

But where will you live?

Actually, I have a thought.

Uh, sorry. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but, um...

I happen to have an immaculately decorated guest room.

You know, he's always talked like that.

How did I not know you were queer?

I'm sorry. You want this around?

Well, we always had a good time, and to tell the truth, I've been a little lonely lately.


So I would be doing you a favor.


Fine, but I'm keeping the money.

It's a deal.

Does this work for you?

It does.

It really does.

So I've been doing some stretches, and the shoulder feels great.

That's a relief.

You, uh, gonna take a shower?


I might, um, go down for a snack in a minute.


Mrs. Lang?

Uh, I'm Dr. Wheeler, your husband's neurologist.

How is he? Uh, he's starting to wake up now.

Would you like to talk to him?

Of course! I-I bet he's pretty delirious.

I mean, after his ordeal, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just babbling like a crazy person!

Mr. Lang, your wife is here.

Gaby. Hi.

Don't strain yourself, Victor.

There's plenty of time to talk later.

What's important now is that you rest.

Just stay quiet and rest... Quietly.

Mr. Mayor, I'm detective Berry.

We need to ask you a few questions.

What time did you take your boat out?

I was on the boat?

We think. We found it floating in the bay, and, uh, obviously, you'd been in the water for quite some time.

Uh, the last thing I remember...

Was Friday's staff meeting.


I mean, what?

Gaby, do you remember anything about me being on the boat?




I guess I don't remember anything.

Not uncommon in these situations.

He's suffered both a mild concussion and hypothermia, either of which could result in memory loss.

Well, who cares?

The important thing is that he's safe, and we're gonna nurse you back to health, and I think that would happen a lot faster if we all clear out.

Thank you.

Gaby, can you stay with me for a little while?

Of course.

Sounds like I was in pretty bad shape there.

But you're okay now. That's the important thing.

Come here.

I remember everything.


I think i will rest now.

I'm gonna need all my strength.

The past is never truly behind us.

Ghosts lurk in the shadows, eager to remind us of the choices we made.

But if we look back, we might find an old friend with open arms...

Or an old enemy with a hidden agenda...

Or a grown-up son with a forgiving heart...

Sadly, some of us refuse to look back, never understanding that by denying the past...

We are condemned...

To repeat it.