Desperate Housewives S5E12 Script

Connect! Connect! (2009)

Previously on...

Calls were made. Sweetie, where are you?

I don't wanna tell you. And if Porter doesn't show up for court, we're gonna lose our restaurant!

A guy threatens to kill your son, and that's what you're worried about?

And as one love affair blossomed, another...

You were married before? She's dead.

I want you out of my house. Withered on the vine.

Mike Delfino has to pay for taking you away from me.

I want him to lose what I lost.

It had been a long journey for David Williams, and though it began years ago, he remembered every step of it...

Walking outside his front door to find a policeman with news of a car crash...

Running into the hospital only to be told his wife and daughter had died...

No! No! Let go of me!

Being dragged into a psychiatric facility after his mental breakdown.


Strolling into a hotel weeks after being released and bumping into a beautiful blonde...

Marching down the aisle with a woman who, as it turned out, once lived on the same street with the man who had killed his family.

But his bride was now unhappy, and Dave Williams was worried that his dream of revenge had been destroyed.

Luckily for Dave, fate was about to take some steps of its own.

Hey, Dave!

What's going on?

Edie and I had a fight.

I take it you're giving her time to calm down?

No, I think I'm looking for a place to stay while she's looking for a lawyer.

Oh, man, I...

Wanna say something helpful, but all I got is "that sucks."

That it does.

So where are you headed?

Oh, it's such a nice night, I thought I'd walk to that motel on the interstate.

Might as well enjoy the stars while my life falls apart.


It's getting late, and so, uh...

Hey, why don't you stay with me?


I, uh... I wouldn't want to impose.

Dave, you saved my life.

I owe ya.

Well, now that you mention it, I guess you do.

Come on in.

And just like that, Dave's dream of revenge was salvaged...

Lead the way, roomie.

And he had a feeling his long journey was almost over.

At 9:02 the next morning...

Edie Britt began calling her friends to let them know something humiliating had happened to her.

By 9:08, her friends had begun to arrive, just so they could hear the juicy details.

So he was married before.

You don't kick a man out for that.


But you do for never mentioning it.

And especially when I laid out my entire past.

Emphasis on the word "laid."

Oh. Exactly. Gaby gets it.

Well, maybe they were only together a short time, and she didn't mean anything to him.

I doubt it, since he walks around muttering to her ghost.

You know what would lift your spirits?

We should all do a spa weekend. Yeah! Let's do that.

Oh, I appreciate the offer, but I think I'm better off getting lost in my work.

Well, maybe I can help you. Think you can rent my house out?


Jackson got a teaching job at the college in Riverton, and...

I'm going with him.

Uh, wait, you're moving?

I know it's sudden, but I feel really good about this.

And it's only two hours away, so it'll still be like we're practically next door.

I am so happy for you, but we're gonna miss you.

Oh, don't worry about us. Jackson is so great.

You are making the right choice.

Absolutely. Come here, you! Aw!


I can't believe you're leaving. I know!

Hey, Dave.

Hey! When you're done here, you wanna come do my lawn?

Well, I figure since Mike's letting me crash here, it's the least I could do. Well, that's very nice...

And brave. Mike takes a lot of pride in his yard.

Yeah. Look at his roses.

Every time I walk by here, I just want to steal one.

Here, let me cut you one. Oh, no. Mnh-mnh. Couldn't.

He wouldn't like that.

Hey, you. What's up?

Not much.

Got a call from Dylan.

Her husband's traveling more for his business, and she doesn't have anybody to help her with the baby.

She's trying to push me to move out to Baltimore.

So, uh, what'd you say?

Oh, just that I'd think about it.

What do you think I should do?

Well, she really needs your help.

I guess you should help her.

Well, I don't know that she needs it.

Honestly? I think she's just lonely.

Of course... it would be nice to be closer.

But is that a good enough reason to uproot my whole life here?

What do you think?

I'm not sure. It's up to you.

I know. I just...

Thought you might have an opinion.

Oh, shoot. I'm, uh, expecting a call from a supplier.

I'll, uh, I'll talk to you later.

On second thought, I'm sure he won't even notice it's gone.

Of course, this new landscaping will require an updated irrigation system, which I'm happy to take care of. Bree, you bought us a house.

We can't let you do all this, too. Nonsense! It's a small price to pay to make your home more beautiful. I insist. Yes!

It's gonna be here tomorrow. Whoo-hoo!

Orson, take it easy!

Impossible. Soon, I, the grillmaster, will christen a brand-new barbecue.

You're pretty excited about a grill.

Oh, it's so much more than that, young man.

This is the prairiefire turbo.

It's 122,000 btus of charbroiling power.

Look out, cattle! You think you're excited?

Just imagine the salesman who overcharged you.

Well, Bree, I got a very good deal.

He only thinks he got a good deal because the salesman threw in one of those "kiss the cook" hats.

And the temperature-sensing barbecue fork.

Well, that sounds good. Yeah.

Don't encourage him!

Orson is a horrible negotiator.

He's never met a sticker price he didn't like.

Oh, no, Bree, that's... It's true.

There's a reason the local car dealers send you a fruit basket every Christmas.

Now hush. Mm.

Bree, could you please not do that?

Do... do what?

It's just... when you talk to your husband that way, it really pushes a button for me.

My mom used to do that, and it, uh...

Drove my dad away.

I think he was tired of being emasculated.

Did I mention it has a rear-mounted rotisserie rack?

What exactly are you saying, Alex?

I'm saying, if you're gonna be rude to your husband, could you just not do it in front of me?

So rotisserie, huh?

Yeah. Good for chicken, uh...

Rolled roasts, legs of lamb.

This thing is so advanced...

I'm sorry. Daddy has to work.

Carlos, what is going on? You're gonna miss your plane.

They're upset. They're not used to me being away. Oh, for god sakes, girls. It's not like he's going off to war. He's gonna be back tomorrow.

Why can't daddy work here?

Because daddy has a new job that's gonna make us lots of money. We don't need lots of money.

Hey, what did I say about that kind of language?

Look, girls...

Daddy's gonna be home tomorrow in time for dinner.

You can call me whenever you want. Okay?


And the best part is you get to spend a whole day with just mommy!

Oh, hello, Mr. Fishman.

I'm coming in. Watch the wheels.

Boy, you just had to put a rug here, didn't you?

Uh, is everything okay?

It's about your damn son.

Porter? How the hell do I know?

He's got red hair and he's got a face you just wanna slap, and he's driving my sister crazy!

What are you talking about? The retirement home.

Your kid has been staying in your mom's room.

What?! Muriel thought he was just visiting, but he's been there for a week.


Now the rules clearly state...

No visiting after dark.

Tom, I know where Porter is. He's hiding at my mother's.

Oh, hiding, my ass. He's not hiding. He's living there.

He even stole my sister's orange juice.

I'll take care of it. Thank you.

Call Bob. Tell him we can make the hearing tomorrow.

Nobody can sleep there because he's got that TV blaring all night long.

Look, Tom, I can't talk now. Just call Bob.

I'm going over there now. Okay. Bye.

Parker, I'm gonna be back in an hour.

Mr. Fishman, thank you so much.

Well, don't just stand there. Make me a sandwich!


Uh, one more thing.

Could you see about having the basement cleared out?

Yeah, the last time we went down there, it was filled with mildewed boxes. Oh, I'll take care of that.

There's nothing worse than having old junk around.


Case in point.



Do you not hear me?

Yeah, I heard you. Why do you think I kept walking?

Looks like the mailman switched our mail again.

Do you have mine?

Yep. It's in my garbage.

Come by and grab it at your convenience.

What is wrong with you?

I asked everyone over this morning because I had this huge thing to share about kicking my husband out, and you prance in with your, "me and Jackson are moving to a fairy castle."

I'm sorry. I thought we gave your latest breakup the three seconds of shock it deserved.

Get the hell out of here. Gladly.

What have you done?

Nothing. It's locked.

Do you have a key?

In my purse.

Which I left in the kitchen.

Does anyone know you're here?


Oh! Hey! Help!

Somebody help me!

Get me out of here!

Juanita, it's time for your bath.

I'm watching my movie. You've seen it a hundred times.

She loses her shoe, the prince finds it... end of story.

Let's go. I'll go when I'm ready.


Hey, it's not finished! It is for you. Now move!

Juanita Solis, I am not kidding.

Okay. That does it.


Oh! Oh!

If you think I'm not gonna drag you to the bathroom, you are sadly mistaken!

You're never gonna make it. Oh, yes, I will.

My rage is fueling me in ways you can't imagine.

What's wrong?

My rage just needs to catch its breath.

Okay. Okay.

I am willing to forget this entire incident if you just go jump in that bathtub right now.

What do you say?

I am gonna scrub that smug look right off your face.

Aah! Oh, my back! Aah! Aah!


♪♪♪ A new survey just out says 81% of U.S. Adults take at least one medication... Where is he?

Vitamin or herbal remedies...

I'm sorry. Have we met?


You're the girl who stuck me here three years ago.

You come by every Christmas and look at your watch while I unwrap the socks you bought me on the drive over.

Do you know what's going on with Porter? The fire? The arrest?

Yes. I read the newspapers.

Everybody's crying for that poor kid's blood.

No, no. We have this great lawyer.

He thinks he can get the case thrown out.

Oh, really? I didn't realize that.

Oh... Porter! Come out from under the bed!

Mommy is here to take care of you!

Just like she took care of me.

Okay. I know you're mad.

I know we have a lot to hash out between us.

But don't take your hate for me out on your grandson.

Now where is he?

He's safe.

I heard Muriel fishman rat me out to her brother, so I-I made sure that Porter cleared out.


This is wrong.


Sucks to feel powerless, doesn't it, Lynette?

Please, help!



Wow. I'm getting a really unpleasant picture of what you're like in the ol' sackarooni.

Face it, Mayer. We're stuck.

Gotta get out.

I'm supposed to be meeting the moving company.


Keep talking about how you're going to move away and be with Jackson.

I hear stupidity makes time go faster.

So now me wanting to be with the man I love is stupid?

And needy and pathetic and...

Kinda hilarious.

But there's one thing it's not, Mayer.

That's "unexpected."

What are you getting at?

Have you ever in your life been without a man?

Of course I have.

When? I don't know. I'm not sure.

What are you doing?

Making a calendar.


Oh, come on. We've got nothing but time, and I assume you don't wanna make out, so...

First boyfriend?

Todd Shaffer. I was 14.

And why did you and hot toddy break up?

He dumped me during math class.

And how long did it take you to start dating somebody else?

This is a stupid exercise. I refuse to...

When was it?

Lunch. It was lunch.

You know, I'm feeling a bit Randy tonight.

What do you say we make a little love?

Well, we've got 15 minutes till the news is on. Why not?

I still can't get over the way Alex behaved this morning.

"Emasculating." I've never heard such nonsense.

Don't you think so?

Well, I thought the matter in which Alex made his point was inappropriate.


Well, I wouldn't say it was nonsense.

You can be a little tough sometimes.


That's not a word I would use to describe myself.

Nobody blames you, Bree.

You run a business. You have to be formidable.

Sometimes, if that frame of mind carries over into your personal life, it's only to be expected.

I don't think I do that.

I know you don't. It's not worth getting upset about.

Andrew and I are used to it, and I'm in time, Alex will get used to it, too.

Now... on to more pleasant things.

Even though it's my turn, I don't mind if you're on top.

I think we forgot one.


Didn't you date somebody after you stole Karl away from me?

Ron. Dr. Ron.

Are we done?

Yep. Here it is... the history of your love life.

Proof that you can't be happy without a man.

This is not proof of anything.

Seven boyfriends through high school and college...

Only... 41 days single.

What does that tell you? My grades sucked?

It's a cry for help, Mayer.

And it doesn't get much better into the many decades of your adulthood.

Hey, I was single for several months after Karl and after Mike.

But that wasn't of your choosing.

They dumped you.

I know. It's hard to look in the mirror.

Have you ever looked in your mirror, Edie?

You're famous for the number of men you've conquered.

Thank you.

It's not a compliment, you tramp!

Okay, I am not gonna take relationship tips from a woman who has hooked up with...

What is it? Over a thousand men?

Okay, that's true. I enjoyed the '80s.

But the difference is, I go after men because I want them.

You go after them because you need them.

That is not much of a distinction.

Yes, it is. You have holes in your heart that can only be filled by a pair of trousers.

Face it, Mayer. You're weak.

Porter wasn't there, and she won't tell me where he is.

Did you tell her that he could end up in jail? Of course I did.

Lynette, you're really upset. Just hang up and come home.

She's so angry at me.

She's never gonna tell us where he is.



Uh, we need to find Lynette Scavo.

Let me check. This is all my fault.

She was so worked up when she left my room.

I'm not finding a Lynette Scavo.

Oh, my god. Does that mean she's dead?



It means she outsmarted her mom.

Oh, my god, Porter, we missed you so much.

I-I don't understand. I thought you were in an accident.

No, sweetie. I was driving home last night, talking with your dad on the phone, and two cars in front of me had an accident.

And I thought, damn, that could be me.

And then I thought, that could be me.

You scared the hell out of me. We are sorry, but we had to get you back.

You've gotta be in court by 5:00. No! I don't want to go to jail.

Porter, listen to me. Bob talked to the judge.

He thinks he can get them to drop the charges.

I don't know if I should believe you.

You're gonna have to.


Great. Come on. Let's go.

That was a rotten you did, Lynette.

I thought you were dead.

Yeah, well, what can I tell ya?

I learned from the best.

Celia! Juanita!

I am not gonna ask you again to pick up these clothes!

You've got till the count of three!




You can hear me, right?


All right, that's it! I'm calling your father!


You are gonna get it now!

He is gonna tear into you! It is gonna be a bloodbath!


Hey, babe. What's up?

It's your children. They've run amok.

What? Now that you've gone back to work, they won't listen to me.

They know you're not in the next room, ready to drop the hammer.

Help me! How? I'm in a meeting.

O-Okay. I'm gonna put you on speaker, and I want you to rip 'em a new one. I'm with clients. I don't have time for this.

But... I gotta go!

Carlos? Carlos!

I think he hung up, mommy.

Can you bring us a lemonade?

Hello, Mike.

Hey, sorry I'm late. Where's Katherine?

Ah, headache. She sends her regrets. Oh you mind if I grab a beer? Uh, yeah. In the test kitchen.

Uh, beer sounds good. I think I'll grab one, too. Excuse me.

So... Katherine not feeling well, huh?


Yeah, I think she also might be a little miffed with me.

This about Baltimore?

It's not that I want her to go, 'cause I don't.

They why don't you tell her?

I don't wanna be the guy that comes between her and her daughter, not to mention a grandchild.


I thought this was because...

I don't know.

Maybe you're still hung up on your ex-wife.


No. No, that's over.

You sure?

And most guys I talk to, they say they only really fall in love once.

And even if it doesn't work, they spend the rest of their lives thinking about the one that they lost.

I always wondered if that's how you felt about Susan.

Why would you wonder about something like that?

Oh, I don't know.

You're my friend. I care about you.

Well, no.

In fact, Dave, I think I might be falling in love with Katherine.

Did you just use the "I" word? Oh.

Wow! See, I-I didn't realize it was that serious.

Well, to be honest, it didn't really hit me until she said she might leave.

Where are our guests?

The food's gonna get cold.

Oh, I'll go find them.

And bring some steak sauce. Oh, you're not gonna need any sauce with these babies.

They are seasoned to perfection.

Bring it.

Well, there's no sense in waiting. Dig in.

Oh, dear. Are they overcooked?

No, they're well-done. That's the way I like them.

Bree, what do you think?

Oh, I really couldn't say.

You couldn't say if your meat is overcooked?

No. I wouldn't want to upset anyone.

Well, don't worry. You won't upset me.

I don't think she was referring to you.

Well, it's just that grilling is such a manly pastime.

If I suggested that Orson somehow failed to produce the perfect steak, you might see it as another example of emasculation.

I see. You're not gonna let that go, are you?

Well, for all I know, telling Orson his steak tastes like charcoal might be deballing him.

You know, Bree, you can make your point and still be nice.

You know what else would be nice, Alex?

Showing gratitude when people have been generous with you.

Don't listen to her, Alex.

She's not mad at you. She's mad at me... and the meat.

Gratitude? What do you mean by that?

I mean I bought you a house.

You'd think you'd show me a little respect.

Seriously? You're bringing up the house?

Well, why not? It was a fairly grand gesture on my part.

Yes, and one that apparently comes with strings.

If by "strings," you mean I won't let you be rude to me in my own house, then yes.

You know what?

I think I'm going to have to decline your grand gesture.

Keep the house.

What's wrong?

Orson burnt the steaks.

Susan, how can you tell if pickles have botulism?

Ah, what the hell?

I shoot this stuff into my forehead.

Oh, blecch!

Forget it.

I'd rather starve for a day or two.

By then, you'll be dead, and I can use your remains as a source of protein.

Oh, come on. That was funny.

You know...

Maybe I do feel incomplete without a man.

But I... wouldn't trade places with you for anything.

You wanna know why?

No, but I'm trapped, so knock yourself out.

It's the way you are with men...

They're like tissues.

You use one and then toss it away, and then you're on to the next one.

At least I'm looking for something real.

So you think this happy ending crap that you believe in is real?

Please. I know what men are really like.


Well, when I was 16, my dad had an affair with this woman who had a 10-year-old daughter.

And one day, he told my mom and me that he was leaving us for them.

Oh, my god.

No talking.

A week later, he comes to the house to get his stuff, and my mom didn't want to see him, so we went to the movies.

Now I had this, uh, horse figurine collection.

Plastic, glass, ceramic...

Hundreds of them.

Anyway, we come back from the movies, and all of my dad's stuff is gone.

I go into my bedroom, and something seems different.

And then I realize all of my horses were gone.

My mom called my dad and screamed, and all he said was, I was too old for them and that his girlfriend's daughter would appreciate them more.

Can you believe that? What a fungus.

Oh, god. Are you crying?

It's just...

Now I get it.

Get what?

All these years, I have judged you, and... It is not your fault.

Oh, come here.

You are the way you are because of your father.


Edie, what the hell?!

Don't psychoanalyze me, you simp!

I was just trying to tell you how selfish men are.

And I was just trying to be nice and give you a free pass for being such a big slut!

Aah! No!

Aah! Ah! Oh!


Okay, girls.

Pick up your toys and put 'em in the basket before dinner.

Dinner's not for two hours.


I've had enough of your crap. Now pick up these toys!


Okay, Juanita. What is going on here?

Why are you being so difficult?

When daddy asks you to do something, you just do it.

That's because I love daddy more.


Everything okay, Mrs. Solis?

Yeah. Just my kids.

They really know how to push my buttons.

Oh, yeah. I got a couple monsters at home, too.

The key is, you gotta be the bigger monster.

Well, unfortunately, they're not afraid of me.

Ooh, that's bad.

Fear is the foundation of all good parenting.

You gotta practice your big voice.

Finish that broccoli now!

You see how that works?

Yeah. It's very effective.


Hey, you got an extra 15 minutes?

Do it! Faster! Faster!


I wanna see this place sparkle!


It's out of my hands, girls.

Word got out that you were disobeying, and they sent Reggie over. Who sent Reggie over?

Well, I know how much you love him, but...

It was your daddy.

Enough chatter. Keep moving!

When they're done, you want me to make them vacuum?

If you wouldn't mind. Nah.


Aw, come on, Edie. I said I was sorry.



Wrong. March!

Oh! Ah!

Man, you're bad at this.


Oh, hey, Mrs. Williams. I didn't know you were down here.

Oh, thank god! We've been locked in here all night.

Really? Good thing I came by to check the rat traps then.

Ugh! I'm glad I forgot about those until now.

Uh, Mayer?

I, uh, would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about what we talked about.

I wasn't planning to.

Good, because I'll deny it if you do.

I won't.

And... I'll kill you.

Good-bye, Edie.

Oh, I'll bring your mail over when I get home.


Hey, mom.

I just came by to tell you that the judge threw out Porter's case for lack of evidence. Isn't that great?


I did not put you in here to punish you.

I didn't have a choice.

You had a choice.

No, I didn't.

From the moment Glen died, you were out of control.

It's true you lost all that money in Vegas.

You started drinking again.

And how many times did I go to your condo, only to find you asleep on the sofa with a cigarette in your mouth?

No, I won't apologize for bringing you here.

I did it because I love you.

Then why don't you come visit me?

It's not a very pleasant experience.

So I yell a little. So I toss a few curse words your way.

Big deal!

Last time I came, you threw pudding at me.

I'm an angry old woman, Lynette! What do you expect?

Here's a thought... Stop being angry.


I can't make a friend in this place without having them drop dead of a stroke five minutes later.

I-I feel like hell.

Every time I look in the mirror, I wanna scream.

My anger is all I've got left, baby.

If I let go of that, it's over. I know it.

The ball game will be over.

The ball game is going to end whether you like it or not.

I would like to be here with you for whatever time you have left.

But for that to happen, things have to change.

Would you come visit me more often?

At least twice a week, and sometimes I'd bring the kids.

I'd like that.

You know, they turned out really good.

How'd you learn how to be such a good mom?

I have no idea.

Well, now that you're here, why don't you stay, and we can talk a while? Okay.

I... and get my flask out of the drawer.

Hey, I can't be nice, forgiving and sober all at the same time.




Mmm! Mwah! Missed you guys.

Wow! You're really helping mommy, huh? That's great.

The scary man told us we had to.

We don't even know the guy.

He left a flyer in our mailbox. You left him do your parenting?

Hey, you're the one who told me to get creative. This wasn't what I meant!

Easy for you to say. They told me they love you more than me.

And when I was running things, they said they loved you more.



So don't get your feelings hurt, and stop asking strangers to discipline our kids.

Well, I wouldn't have to if you would do it.

So you want me to go to work all day, go out on business trips, and what little time I have here with the girls, you want me to spend screaming at them?

Just for the first 15 minutes after you walk in the door.

Then it's Carlos time. Forget it! This was the arrangement you wanted.

You made me take this job. I just wanted us to have a normal life.

Well, guess what, sweetie? Dad's unhappy at work.

Mom's home with the screaming kids. You got one.

Oh, good. You're back.

Can we talk?

If it's about work, yes.

If it's about what happened at the barbecue, no.

Fine. Then as my employee, I authorize a 5-minute break so we can talk about my son's boyfriend and his absurd overreaction this afternoon.

That's it. I'm out of here.

Andrew, please. You were there. Alex started the whole thing.

You need to tell him to stop criticizing me.

I'm... I'm not getting in the middle of this.

If you have a problem with Alex, you tell him.

I tried. He won't listen to me.

Don't you mean obey?

He's not your son. He's not your husband.

He's not your employee.

Not everyone has to listen to you.

I'll... I'll do this tomorrow.

I got the flowers.

They were from you, right?

Oh, yeah.

I just have a minute, and I don't want to get into a whole thing with you.

This won't take long.

I don't want to fight anymore. Please, just take the house.

I don't know how else to say this.

What happened yesterday is gonna happen again.

It's not gonna be the last time we fight, 'cause that's who we are.

Let's not make it worse by living on top of each other.


I'm gonna tell you something I haven't told anybody...

Not Orson, not Andrew, just you.

I know that I've changed since my business took off, but I didn't want to admit it.

I've watched myself become selfish, impatient, rude.

I was never the type to suffer fools gladly, but now I seem to find fools everywhere.

And I don't want to be that way.

I need someone who isn't afraid to speak out, to call me out when I cross those lines, and I would love it if you would be that person.

Did my mother-in-law just give me permission to criticize her? Yes, I did.

I'm a lucky guy.




Listen, I'm not happy about you lying to me, but you're not a bad man.

And, well, I'm thinking, whatever's going on, we can work it out.



Plus, you make a great Martini, and I'm dying for one.

I'll get my stuff.


Jackson, hi. Do you have a sec?

Sure, Susan. What's wrong?

Uh, no, nothing's wrong. Just...

We need to talk about this move.

At 5:15 that afternoon, Edie Williams began calling her friends to inform them that her husband had come home.

Sadly, she never got through to any of them.

Gabrielle Solis never heard her phone ring.

She was too busy watching her husband discipline their children...

And trying not to smile.

Lynette was out when Edie called her.

She was with her mother, laughing and sharing stories about the old days...

And enjoying every minute of it.

Bree couldn't pick up because she was with her new son-in-law.

She was showing him paint samples...

And choosing her words very carefully.

And Susan...

Well, she didn't answer her phone because she was sitting in her favorite chair with a cup of tea...

Enjoying, for the first time, the feeling of being alone.