Desperate Housewives S5E13 Script

The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened (2009)

Eli scruggs was the handiest of all handymen.

You could ask any of his customers, and they would tell you, there was nothing he couldn't fix.

Whether it was a broken vase...

A leaky pipe...

Or a shaky banister, Eli always knew how to get the job done.

But sadly, the man who had fixed so many things for the residents of Wisteria Lane was now about to break their hearts.

Eli Scruggs, get down from there!

Mrs. McCluskey.

Just found this note in my mailbox.

Says you're retiring? What the hell?

Yes, ma'am. It's true.

Now why would you want to do something stupid like that?

My doc says I got a bum ticker, have to take it easy from now on.

Well, once I'm done fixing Mrs. Mayer's shingle, I'm on a plane to waikiki. Well, this is very annoying.

Who's gonna fix my water heater when it breaks?

Oh, I met this young guy named Toby.

Very bright, just turned 30. He'll take care of you.

Ah, damn it, Eli!

I am not comfortable with strangers in my house.

Took me ten years to trust you. I know.

Most of those guys leave tools and nails all over the place.

You never leave a mess.

Thank you, ma'am.

Have you told everyone else you're leaving?

I left copies of that same note in everybody's mailbox.

Well, that's not right.

After all these years, people will want to say good-bye, and... you know, maybe throw you a party or somethin'.

Oh, no. I prefer to go quietly, if you know what I mean.

I don't want a big fuss.

Well, I'll miss you, Eli.

There will never be another one like you.

With that, Eli scruggs climbed his ladder for the very last time.

And once he had finished making his last repair, Eli scruggs... Quietly, with no fuss...

Had a heart attack and died.

And most importantly...

Without leaving a mess.

It took an hour for someone to finally notice the body laying atop Susan Mayer's roof.

Aah!

It was less than ten minutes later that the neighbors began arriving, each determined to get a look at the various paramedics and policemen who were all frantically trying to figure out exactly how to bring the body down.

And it took two days for my friends to realize this tragedy had affected them...

We're ready! Come on.

More than they were willing to admit.

Hey, Gaby, did you remember to get change?

'Cause when I cash in my chips, I don't want to hear you say, "all I've got is $50s." Speaking of cashing in your chips, anyone know when Eli's funeral is? Oh, I think it's Saturday.

I wonder how many people are gonna show up.

Mrs. McCluskey was saying he didn't have much family. Poor Eli. We should make sure he's got flowers at his funeral.

I'm in. How much are we talking?

I don't know. What do you think, Gaby?

Gaby?

Wow! Jimmy choo!

Oh, Carlos!

These aren't even in the states yet.

What's the catch?

What are you talking about?

You never buy me a present unless I'm mad or about to be mad.

And I don't think I am, so why am I about to be?

I have to go to Cleveland tomorrow. Carlos!

They're begging me. The merger's going south. You just got home!

With shoes.

Don't leave me here. I'm going out of my mind.

Everyone is so boring and suburban.

And how many freakin' honor students can that school have?

Can we please not argue in front of the handyman? He has a name.

What's your name?

Eli scruggs.

You hear that, Carlos?

You've brought me to a place where people are named "Eli scruggs."

Fine. I'll give up my job...

And everything that comes with it.

Not the Jimmy choos.

They're the only friends I've got.

Thought so.

I'm going to pack.

You know, it's none of my business...

You're right. It's not.

But the ladies in this neighborhood are actually pretty nice. Yeah. They came by, brought muffins.

One of 'em wants her basket back.

That'd be Bree.

Anyhow, she and the other ladies, uh, play poker every week.

If you'd like, I could talk to 'em, see if they'll let you host a game.

Hi. We're, um... The neighborhood.

Gabrielle invited us to play poker.

So... is she in?

Mrs. Solis will be right down.

She likes to make an entrance.

What does that mean, "an entrance"?

Hello there.

Welcome to my home.

Oh.

That's what it means.

So I said, "pumpkin"...

That's what I call Jon bon jovi...

I said, "pumpkin, even if I could steer a yacht, I'm certainly not about to do it in 5-inch heels."

True story.

Well, you've certainly had quite a glamorous life.

Well, it was before my husband moved me here to east nowhere.

Seriously, I don't know how you girls do it.

Do what? Get out of bed in the morning.

I've only lived here a month, and I want to put a gun to my head.

You know what I mean?

No, we don't. There are no good nightclubs, no theater.

What do you do for a good time?

Well, we watch the kids play soccer.

And the school drama department puts on some really great shows.

And then there's church, of course.

Church.

Oh, you're serious.

Look, I know it's quiet here, but I think you'll find there's a real charm to Fairview.

No, no, it's cute. It's cute. I get that.

It's just...

I was a top-tier fashion model, and I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to the fact that the best part of my life is behind me.

Good-bye doing vodka shots with Kate moss, and hello to sipping international coffee with you girls.

Full house.

Yes?

Hello. Is Mrs. Solis here?

Oh, I got it. I got it. Go, go, go, go, go.

Ma'am, here's the bill for fixing your sink. Okay. Thank you.

By the way...

You made quite an impression at the poker game.

Really? Oh, yeah. The ladies can't stop talking about you.

Aw. Well, I'm sure it was kind of exciting for them to have a star in their midst.

Uh, let me think... Did they say "star"?

I heard, uh, "stuck-up," "obnoxious," "bitch."

What?!

You know, I went out on a limb to get you into that game, and then you go in there acting like you're better than they are. Oh, my clothes said that, not me.

Well, did you ask them anything about their lives? Why would they want to talk about their lives?

Their lives are boring.

Well, you know what's gonna be really boring?

You sitting here alone in this big house without any friends.

If I were you, I'd drop the attitude.

Learn to like your neighbors.

Well, thanks for the advice.

You wanna add that to your bill?

No. It's on the house.

I brought muffins.

That's so nice.

We were just...

Playing poker, and I wasn't invited.

I know. I get it.

I just wanted to tell you guys I know I made a horrible first impression.

Now you know why models don't usually talk.

Because we say a lot of stupid, patronizing things that make people want to avoid us.

What I should've said was... My husband's never home.

I miss the city.

I miss my life.

I'm lonely all the time...

And I could really use some friends.

Anyway, here.

Now that's how you make an entrance.

Gaby?

I'm sorry. What?

We're getting a wreath for Eli's funeral. Are you in?

Actually, why don't you let me pay for it?

It can still be from all of us. No, you don't have to do that.

I sort of do.

Now let's play some poker.

All right, time for my luck to change.

This hand is for Eli.

Hmm. Next hand is for Eli.

You know, if we're gonna have a get-together after the funeral, we should start thinking about food.

And by "we" and "food," you mean Bree, right? I thought that was clear.

I'd be happy to. Any special requests?

How about we pick something from your cookbook?

Great. Gaby, do you have your copy?

I'll go get it.

You use my cookbook to balance your table?

Oh, it's only temporary.

Juanita needed her coloring book back.

Oh. All right.

Watch out, ladies.

I'm sorry if the frittata is a bit dry.

Are you kidding? It's great.

You should give Lynette the recipe. Yes, 'cause that's what women in their eighth month really crave... more stove time. Mine is so erratic.

I'm not even sure what the real temperature is.

Of course, if a certain doctor would loosen the purse strings... We're not getting a new stove.

If you would just take on a few more patients, we could afford it. Well, if I'm not supporting you adequately, my dear, by all means, feel free to do something about it. Such as?

Well, you could maybe... I don't know, get a job?

I have a job. I'm a homemaker.

And a damn good one. So to make this, you... you just s-sauté some ham and some onions... it's not happening, Tom.

I just sometimes think maybe you would appreciate the value of a dollar more if you had to work outside the home.

And I think you would appreciate my value more if, for once, you had to cook your own food and wash your own clothes.

Lynette makes me sew my own buttons. I'll sew anything you want if you just stop getting me pregnant.

I want a new stove, Rex, and if I need to get a job to pay for it, so be it.

If you're looking for a stove, we've got one that's hardly ever been used.

I wish I could say the same for my uterus.

Oh, yeah. I ruined the brunch.

Hey, how's it looking under there, Eli?

Is it gonna cost me an arm and a leg?

Nah. A few fingers, maybe.

Honey, my stomach's growling. When's dinner?

Oh, we're having leftovers.

You can heat them up yourself if you want.

Since when do we have leftovers?

Since I started writing my own cookbook.

Remember how you told me I should start making my own money?

Well, I've been going through all my old recipes, and I've got this great idea for a real home-style American cookbook. You're not serious?

Why wouldn't I be?

People are always complimenting me on my cooking. You're great, but come on.

Every bored housewife who pulls off a decent lasagne thinks she can write a cookbook.

You think I'm just like every other housewife?

No. No, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. It's just that...

What do you really know about writing?

I'll learn. And I want it to be more than just a cookbook.

I want to talk about traditional values and give helpful hints about homemaking.

Look, look, this is my fault.

You know, I-I was ribbing you the other day about getting a job, but you took it seriously.

If you really want a new stove, I'll get you a stove.

Now can you stop this foolishness and make me something to eat that isn't leftovers?


Mrs. Van De Kamp?

I fixed your banister. Should be fine now.

I'll just go. You can pay me whenever.

I know this is a rough time for you.

Thanks, Eli.

By the way, the service for Mr. V. Was really nice.

You were there?

I sat in the back of the church.

I wanted to say good-bye to Mr. V.

So, uh...

Have you thought about what you're gonna do now?

You mean, with my life?

I don't know.

Mrs. V...

I've been meaning to give this to you for a while now...

But I, uh, could never find the right moment.

I kept it for you, just in case you might need it someday.

Hope you don't mind.

Oh, I gotta tell you. I made your cajun meatloaf.

Whoo!

That may be my favorite meal ever.

I can't believe you saved this.

Ah.

Of course, I'm not really in the mood to write a cookbook right now.

Well...

Maybe one day you will be.

Hey, Bree, I know what you can make for the wake...

That flaky-breaded-shrimp thing.

Thanks, but I know exactly what I'm gonna make.

Dave, it was a nice trip, but I gotta tell you, I don't know why we spent all that money going to The Bahamas.

If we're not gonna leave the hotel room, then why not just cover ourselves in suntan lotion and have sex here?

You just got a message from Mrs. McCluskey.

Oh?

She said your handyman died.

Eli?

Oh, my god.

He was working on Susan's roof and dropped dead of a heart attack.

Can you believe that?

No, no, no. You are not going to the gym again.

You said we were gonna have afternoon sex.

We'll do it when I get back. You say that every time, umberto, and then you're too tired. Maybe I wouldn't be if you weren't so clingy.

Clingy?

We haven't had sex in two weeks.

It's like I'm 15 again.

What's wrong with us?

Not us. You.

Your libido is out of control.

Umberto...

Look, you've got a drawerful of toys. Use 'em.

Oh!

Ahem.

Oh!

Oh! Eli! I-I forgot you were in there.

Yeah. I'm done fixing your faucet.

Actually, I was done ten minutes ago, but I was afraid to come out. I'm sorry you heard all of that.

The good news is, while I was in there, I re-grouted your tub... Free of charge.

Wait a second.

What do you think of my ass?

Sorry?

My ass... On a scale from one to ten.

Well, i-i-i, uh...

Ticktock.

Ten. It's a ten.

And the boobs? Perky and firm?

You've named them?

Oh, come on, Eli.

My husband won't have sex with me.

I just need to make sure it's not... me.

It's not you.

Are you sure?

Trust me. I used to work in construction.

My buddies would've gone crazy for you...

Catcalls, uh, nasty gestures.

"Hey, you, with the sweater meats!

"If you ever need any work done, call me!

'Cause I got the perfect tool for the job!"

Y-you get the drift.

Yeah. I do.

That was insulting and demeaning.

Oh.

Thank you so much.

Miss Britt?

The door was wide open.

I got the paint. You want to check the color? Eh.

Is everything okay?

Things are great.

You want some wine?

We're celebrating.

What's the occasion?

I am no longer married to a gay guy.

Umberto was gay?

So you wasted your time installing that light in the closet, because... He went flying out of there.

At least you know now it wasn't you.

Wasn't it?

He said that being married to me was what convinced him that he liked men.

Oh. You could imagine what a boost to the ego that was.

Come on.

You had a gay guy sleeping with you for two years, and those guys are pretty hard to land.

No. No, trust me.

No need to be sad.

You're a knockout.

No, I-I-I need this hand back.

It's hard to be a handyman without a-a hand.

Mm.

Miss Britt, what are you doing?

You put the mirror over my bed.

You know exactly what I'm doing.

Are you sure about this? I don't want to take advantage of you.

Oh, I'm sure you'll be gentle.

Anyway, I guess they're burying him on Saturday.

Obviously, you want to go.

Yeah.

I do.

Oh, leave that black dress out.

I'll get it dry-cleaned for the funeral.

A little sexy for a funeral, isn't it?

Oh, I don't think Eli would mind.

Mom?

That's penny. I'll be right back.

Mom!

Hey, sweetie.

What's up?

You said you would help me with my math.

We're dividing fractions.

Oh. I wish you'd caught me two chardonnays ago.

Mom, you promised.

I know, but mommy's still planning Eli's memorial.

Start without me.

I'll be there in a little while.

Oh, my gosh. Lynette, are you okay?

The doctor just called. I'm pregnant.

This is fantastic!

You...

Yeah. Whoop-Dee-doo.

Honey, you don't sound too happy about this.

I was planning to go back to work.

What? What a... What are you talking about?

I had it in the back of my mind for a while, and then yesterday, I got a ph... hold it.

Sorry. I was having trouble paying attention.

Jeffrey cuevas is retiring in September.

I am the perfect person to step into his job, and that is exactly when Parker starts kindergarten.

The timing is like a dream.

But what about our dream of having a-a little girl?

This could be our chance.

Oh, please. You know it's gonna be a boy. It's always a boy.

It's just gonna pee in my face and hide dead things in my shoes.

I am doing this, Tom.

I am going after this job.

But who's gonna take care of the kids?

Well, I was hoping you could cut back on your hours at work.

I can't do that.

I have a career.

You did not just say that.

No, I-I didn't. I didn't.

Tom, I cannot just stay at home wiping noses.

I need it for my sanity, and I need you to back me up.

Oh!

Mom?

Well, the kids are up.

They're gonna want their breakfast.

And I'm gonna back you up by, uh, making it for 'em.

My hero.

Jeff cuevas is fantastic, but I know I could take his department to a whole new level.

What the hell is that?

Oh, my water broke.

Take the overnight bag out to the car.

Oh, three weeks.

That's a little soon, but, uh, sure, I could make that work.

For god sakes, Lynette, we gotta go to the hospital. In a minute. I'm trying to lock this job down.

What kind of perks are we talking about here?

Okay, you're having contractions. That's it. You...

I swear, if you touch this phone, I will have this baby right here and then beat you with it!

You're insane. We have to go.

Could you hold on one second?

We agreed I could go back to work after I gave birth. After, Lynette, not during!

I'm sorry.

Is there any way we could finish this conversation tomorrow?

Oh!

L-L-Later in the day works better for me, too.

Well, thank you very much.

Bye. Hey. Whew! I got the job!

Congratulations. The baby's arm is sticking out.

Why don't you high-five it?

Tom, I am in pain. Do you mind?

Oh.

You'll see, Tom.

I know. People say that you... ooh!

You can't have it all, but I know we can.

Oh, Mr. Swenson, I can't tell you how excited I am.

Maybe you could schedule a staff meeting so I could hit the ground running on Monday.

No, no.

No, it can't be Friday, because, remember, we agreed that we would start next week?

So again, thank you so much for this opportunity.

Mrs. Scavo? Yeah?

I think you might have forgotten somethin'.

Could you hold on a second?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

She's fine.

I was on the phone.

I was talking to my new boss, and I... She was only in there for a minute.

But it's 85 degrees outside. I've never done this before.

You got a lot on your mind... Three kids and a newborn, it sounds like a new job.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah. It's a lot to handle.

There you go.

Mm.

I should probably get back to Susan's windows.

Uh, you take care.

Lynette, are you still there?

Lynette?

Hello?

Are you still there?

Hey. You coming back in?

No.

I'm gonna go help my daughter with her homework.

Hey, penny! Wait up!


Ugh.

Yard sale!

Oh! Good. You're here.

How are you, Eli?

Fine. You?

Great. Yeah, I haven't worn these jeans in a while, and I found 20 bucks in the pocket.

Don't you just love when that happens?

Also, Karl left me for his secretary, so I need you to change these locks.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, thanks, but don't be. Just hurry.

Karl said he was coming by to get some of his stuff, and I want this place to be a fortress by then.

You're doing all right, though?

Oh, well, on one hand, I got dumped for a pair of headlights named Brandy.

On the other, I reported Karl's credit cards stolen, and I cut the pockets out of all of his pants.

So a little from column "a," a little from column "b."

Oh. Sorry.

Well, if it's any consolation, redheads are nuts.

What do you mean?

That she'll make his life a living hell.

It sounds like what he deserves.

Brandy's not a redhead. She's blonde.

So, uh, you maybe want to go with a dead bolt this time?

What... do... you... know?

I saw him around town a couple times with a redhead.

Uh, people in the neighborhood were talking.

I-I thought you knew.

I didn't.

Would you feel any better knowing that, uh, she's kinda chubby?

Just leave!

But what... But what about the locks?

I-I-If Karl's coming...

Change the locks, then leave.

Okay, but I really am sorry...

Change the locks, don't talk to me, then leave.

Susan?

Susan, did you call me?

I couldn't really understand the message.

Oh, wow.

You want me to come back later?

Are you all right?

No. Of course you're not.

I heard you and Mike are getting divorced.

I'm sorry.

Probably not what you want to hear, but I thought you were a great couple.

Thanks.

Sweet.

Do you... maybe you remember what you wanted me to do?

Locks.

Change the locks. Got it.

Let me go see what I got out in the truck.

Susan...

I don't know much about love.

I... I dabbled in it once or twice, but it always seemed more trouble than it was worth.

I told myself I wasn't missing much.

But watching you all these years, how... How hard you've tried, how...

How hurt you've been, but you still...

Keep getting back up, you dust yourself off, then you try again.

Maybe I am...

Missing something.

Maybe...

Maybe it is worth it.

And, um, I'm sure it's not gonna help for you to hear me tell you this, but you're damn heroic to me.

You are.

Yeah.

Hey. Just dropping these off. I finally got 'em cut.

Tell Jackson I'm sorry it took me so long.

Actually, um...

Jackson and I split up.

Wow. I'm sorry.

Am I sorry?

Oh, yeah.

He's a great guy.

I just, uh, want to be alone right now.

Well, good for you.

Oh, hey. Mm?

As long as you're here, I think there's a loose shingle on my roof.

Do you think maybe you could fix it for me?

Oh, I'd be happy to.

But just so you know, it'll be the last thing I ever fix for you. I'm retiring.

What?

Today's my last day.

You can't retire. I break too many things.

I know. You paid for the trip to Hawaii I'm gonna take.

No, it's the right move. Be happy for me.

Hey, I am happy for you.

It's just, uh...

This is gonna sound crazy.

What?

Um, I think you have been the most consistent male relationship in my life.

You're so stable and reliable, and I just...

Always thought you'd be around.

Which is funny, because I don't really know anything about you.

Well, how about this... I fix your shingle, and when I'm done, you can ask me anything you want.

Great.

I will go to the store right now and get some wine so we can toast your retirement.

I like that. Perfect way to end my time on Wisteria Lane.

Oh, hey.

What kind do you like... Red or white?

Either one. Just make sure it's a screw top.

Eli scruggs was buried on a Saturday...

And all the people that Eli had helped over the years came to pay their last respects.

But one person was missing...

Someone who had changed Eli's life...

In a way he never forgot.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Hope I'm not interrupting your day.

Not at all. Can I help you?

I was hoping I could help you. I'm a handyman.

Just moved into town. Looking for work.

Sorry. I, um, I don't have anything that needs fixing.

Well, if you ever do, uh, here's my card.

"Eli scruggs."

What a distinctive name.

People do seem to remember it.

So if any of your friends, uh, need help, I can do pretty much anything. I don't know. Um...

If you have a extra card or two, I-I could hand them out.

Oh, I'd really appreciate that.

Oh. Oh.

Anyway...

Thank you for your time.

I have a broken vase.

I'm sorry?

I-I was, uh, dusting the other day and knocked it off the bureau, like an idiot.

Anyway, I saved the pieces.

If you could glue it back together for me, I'd really appreciate it.

Oh, ma'am, you don't have to do that.

Mr. Scruggs, I need my vase fixed.

It means a lot to me.

Now you're not gonna make me beg, are you?

No, ma'am, I'm not.

Good.

Come on in.

Mrs. Young?

Oh. Didn't mean to disturb you.

Your front door was wide open.

Oh.

Eli, I-I don't have any work for you today.

I'm just here to drop off that handle you wanted.

Finally found one that matched. Want me to install it?

Not today.

Okay.

I'll just be going then.

Eli, wait.

What?

Do you remember this?

Oh, right. This is the very first thing you ever fixed for me.

Yeah, that must have been what, uh, two years ago? Yeah.

I just that glue really held, huh? Yeah.

I want you to have it.

What?

Why?

I've just been doing some thinking about the people I know, the ones who've walked into my life and made it better than it was before... Oh.

People like you. Oh.

Anyway, I've... I've... I've never said "thank you."

Oh, no, I'm... I'm the one who should thank you.

You... you introduced me to all your friends.

My business couldn't be better.

I'm so glad.

Yeah.

Anyway, I, uh, I want you to have this.

Mrs. Young...

Are you all right?

Everything's fine.

Are you sure?

You should go now.


So I look in the window, and there's blood everywhere...

All over the walls and the ceiling... Oh!

Not to mention, her hardwood floors, which she just had installed last week.

I don't know what she was thinking.

I just wish there had been some warning, some sign that she would do such a thing.


Eli scruggs sat in his truck for almost an hour, devastated that he had done nothing to save me.

He then made a quiet vow to god...

From that moment forward, he would do what he could to help people, to help them fix their lives.

And for the rest of his life, that's exactly what he did.

That was a lovely service.

Eli would've liked it.

Hell of a turnout. Who knew he had so many friends?

I'm not surprised. He was a good man.

I can't help feeling there's more we could have done to honor him.

Well, let's just make sure we remember him.

Eli would have said that's more than most people get.

And he would have been right...

As usual.

Wait.

I wanted to fix something for Eli for a change.

And somewhere, in a place reserved for the very best of us, Eli scruggs smiled and said, "thank you."