Mama Spent Money When She Had None (2009)
Porter Scavo, you are under arrest. What?!
Porter had nothing to do with that fire. Apparently there is a witness that says otherwise.
A witness? What are they talking about?
Porter was accused but not convicted.
Katherine's love affair...
I got the flowers. Became serious.
Mommy needs to lose a few pounds.
You wanna help mommy be beautiful again? No.
As did Gaby's resolve.
Here's my cookbook.
And Bree's success came at a price.
You can be a little tough sometimes.
It's only to be expected. I don't think I do that.
I know you don't.
People don't talk about money in the suburbs...
Mostly because they don't need to.
The ones who have it let you know with their brand-new clothes...
Their expensive appliances...
Those are good.
And their manicured lawns.
The ones who don't have it let you know with barbecues that need replacing...
Walls that need painting...
And classic cars...
That need to be sold.
Hey you go, Walter. She's all yours. This is so awesome!
Where's Tom? I wanna thank him for making this the greatest day of my life. He's inside, but between sobs, he wished you happy driving.
Where is that man going with Tom's car?
Oh, that man is Walter brotski, and he just bought it.
Tom loves that car. Why would you sell it?
Sadly, we can no longer afford Tom's midlife crisis.
Okay, here's the deal. We're...
Sort of broke.
Between Porter's legal fees and that ghost town that we call a restaurant...
I thought Scavo's was doing well. When times get tough, people do without things like pizza and sports cars.
I am so sorry. I had no idea. It's okay.
Just keep it under your hat. It's a little embarrassing. You should not be embarrassed.
This is a horrible economy. We're all in the same boat. Mm.
Hello, ladies. What do you think?
You bought a new car?
My book just made the "times'" best seller list.
Now they're talking 3-book deal, so I got the urge to splurge.
And look what just blew on my windshield at the stop sign!
Life is good.
Yes, people don't talk about money in the suburbs because when they do, other people get angry.
Whenever someone on Wisteria Lane buys a new car, a simple ritual is performed.
So how do you like my new car?
It's gorgeous! I am so jealous.
I wish I had one.
But on this day, one of the owner's friends refused to participate in the ritual.
And even more surprisingly, the owner of the car in question didn't seem to notice.
Look, there's even a refrigerator.
The Lexus dealer said there's just enough room for a split of champagne and two chilled glasses.
And the best thing is, it's a hybrid so you can barely hear it. Let me show you.
Actually, I have to go to work.
But congratulations, Bree. It's a beauty.
Was it just me, or was that a little abrupt?
Eh, don't take it personally.
I think she's got other things on her mind.
Oh, dear. Is something wrong?
Apparently, she and Tom are having financial problems.
They just had to sell Tom's car.
And you know, I saw her at the recycling center.
She was turning her cans in for money.
That's, like, a half a step away from selling your eggs on the Internet. Oh.
And here I am, rubbing my fabulous new car in her face.
I feel awful.
Oh, don't. How could you have known?
Thank god I didn't show her how the car parks itself.
But you're gonna show us, right?
Well, it is pretty amazing!
Well, it's nice to see you again, Mrs. Mayer.
Thank you for agreeing to see us, Mr. Hobson.
Running a school like oakridge mustn't leave you with much...
Happy to oblige.
So I heard through the grapevine that there might be an opening for another student?
I assume you're referring to the Henderson boy's expulsion?
Yeah. He bit his teacher, huh?
They had that problem with their older boy, Toby.
It's a family of biters.
Well, the whole situation was incredibly unfortunate.
We can't tolerate that kind of behavior.
Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that with M.J.
He's so well-behaved.
Look, I know how much you want your son at oakridge.
You've called us every week for the past five months.
I've been too pushy. Oh, please don't take it out on M.J.
He is such a bright kid. Say something in Spanish.
Be bored in Spanish.
Mrs. Mayer, you can relax.
We would love to have M.J. Join us here.
As a matter of fact, his name was first on our waiting list.
Here's a schedule for you.
Here are some insurance forms you need to fill out.
And here's the tuition.
As you can see, it's gone up a tad.
Yeah. That's quite a tad.
But we're starting in the middle of the year, so we'd only pay half, right?
Yes. We've already prorated it. That is half.
Hey, I just thought of a way for us to celebrate our anniversary next week.
What do you think about dinner at the palm?
As in, "they don't even show the prices on the menu" the palm?
Honey, we're still paying off credit card debt.
Not anymore. The deal closed. I got the bonus.
Oh, my god!
Oh, why didn't you tell me this when you were begging for sex this morning?
You would've closed that deal, too. Oh!
Oh. We're rich again! Hallelujah! Well, we are not
"lighting cigars with $5 bills" rich, but we are headed in the right direction.
Oh! Honey, we're gonna be us again...
The old Carlos and Gaby.
You know what?
I'm gonna wear my dress from the night you proposed.
You still fit in that?
We're rich again! Hallelujah!
Have you not noticed me working my butt off?
I'm almost back to the weight I was when we got married!
All I meant was...
You don't have to wear an old dress.
I will buy you a new one.
No, no. This'll be way more romantic.
I'm one good colonic away from being the old me!
I'll call the restaurant.
They can write that on the cake.
Sorry. I know how much you loved that car.
This is all I have to remember her by.
I called her "foxy." You wanna know why?
I just heard. You sold the car?
Well, we needed the money. The restaurant is dying.
Apparently, people don't wanna buy their pizza from parents of an alleged arsonist. Yeah, but Porter didn't do it.
Well, maybe people still think that he's guilty, or maybe it's the economy.
Or maybe it's both. I don't know.
All I know is, I am driving a "dad car" while some other guy is out rolling with foxy.
Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry.
I wish there was something I could do.
We should get going.
But if we can help in any way, um, let us know.
Okay, what just happened back there?
Oh, yeah. Like that's gonna work.
Why can't you ever remember who you're dealing with?
Bob? Bob? Bob? Bob... I can keep this up all day.
Bob? B... fine.
The day the case against Porter was dismissed, I was going over the discovery materials that the d.A. Sent me.
The witness who put Porter in the storage room at the club, the only one linking him directly to the arson...
Tom's helpful buddy there... Dave Williams.
Porter wasn't even in the building.
What the hell is Dave doing?
I don't know, but we have to tell Tom and Lynette. No, that'll just get ugly.
I'm okay with that.
Lee, the charges have been dropped.
It's no longer our business.
Besides, there's something about that Dave guy that scares me.
Oh, I don't get it!
I'm only a few pounds away from my runway weight.
You want me to let it out? That would be cheating.
I'm gonna try to go pee again.
It's okay. You've had two children.
The weight redistributes. Give in to it! I did.
Jean, you didn't just give in to it.
You slapped a piece of cheese on it.
Yeah, I said it. Now just fix the hem.
And this time, try not to leave the edges frayed.
Hey, Edie! Wait up!
Now don't forget, the clasp is broken.
Oh, I'll replace it.
It may not match exactly.
But, um, your hair will cover it.
Jean, Carlos is taking me to the palm, not out for hoagies.
Make it perfect.
Huh. I see Jean is back.
Ah, yeah. Times are good.
Not for her.
Her, Mrs. McCluskey said something about you losing 5 pounds in one day.
How'd you do that?
I got drunk on bourbon and threw up all over her lawn.
No, not that story. Something about a boot camp.
Oh, yeah. Just started.
Very military, very intense.
That's perfect. I'm trying to fit in an old dress.
I need intense. Forget it. You can't get in without a recommendation, and I'm not recommending you. Why not?
Because you'd embarrass me. This is real exercise.
It's not the lotus position followed by a mocha latte.
Oh, you're just afraid I'm gonna look better than you!
6:00 A.M., the park. Prepare to die.
Jeez. This is the tuition?
We're gonna blow his college fund on first grade.
I know, I know. We may have to give up a few luxuries.
Yeah, like food and heat.
Okay, you know the problems they're having at his school.
And now with all the budget cutbacks...
I mean, this place is fabulous.
Yeah, I'm not saying it's not. I'd kill to send him there.
But I just can't swing it. Well, we've gotta do something.
My editor just quit, and my books are not exactly flying off the shelves.
Could you pick up some extra shifts? Oh, yeah, I will...
As soon as they create a 30-hour day.
I'm working around the clock. What about that big job you just did for the last three months?
What did you do with that money?
Susan, we're not married anymore.
And what I do with my money is none of your business.
Yeah, well, if we were still married, you'd...
Probably would've waited until I finished my sentence.
I understand you and Tom are going through some rough times.
Thank you, but I can't accept this.
However, I would like to know how much I'm not accepting.
How many cookbooks are you selling, woman? We just went to a second printing, and now they're talking a 3-book deal.
So seriously, I am not gonna miss that money.
That must be nice.
But... I can't accept it.
Why not? What's the point of success if you can't share it with the people you love?
Because the people that you love may not be able to pay you back, and then you stop loving them. Then it's not a loan, it's a gift.
Don't you have a birthday coming up?
And so do you.
And I'm gonna feel real crappy when you unwrap your lavender bath beads.
Come on, Lynette.
You can't tell me this money won't take the pressure off.
But I can't. I wouldn't want it to affect our friendship.
How would you like to own a piece of an Italian restaurant? What?
It wouldn't be a loan or a gift.
It would be... an investment that would buy you, say... 15% of Scavo's.
Oh! Well, that's an intriguing offer.
If we do well, you get a cut of the profits.
If we go belly-up, we liquidate, and you get the first $20,000.
And then, of course, my family moves in with you.
So... do we have a deal?
We most certainly do...
Some people think it's strange I have a contract for my exercise class.
But I want people to understand the commitment I expect from them. I found in the past... here you go.
All signed. You didn't even read it.
Oh, no need. I'm up for anything.
Although I did just get a manicure, so nothing that might chip a nail.
Let me tell you what I learn in the Israeli army.
A group without commitment is a group that will fail.
The women in my morning class are committed.
I am starting to think that you are not tough enough.
Not tough enough?
Let me tell you something, Mr. Iraqi army guy.
I used to be a model, and you don't know what war is until you've been in a dressing room with a bunch of size zeroes reaching for the last rice cake.
I am plenty tough. I'm not so sure.
Hey, I know some of those women in your exercise class.
The most exercise they ever get is cutting a piece of cake. That's a lap!
Excuse me? In the contract.
There are certain words I do not tolerate...
If I hear them, you owe me a lap.
It's an exercise class. Why would anyone say "doughnut"?
That's another lap!
You know, maybe I should give this a little gander.
Come on, ladies!
When I was in the special forces, we would do sit-ups in 115-degree weather.
I still have sand in my ass.
You people are weak! Let's go! Let's go!
Gaby, knock it off.
You're gonna get us all in trouble.
Of course it is. That's why it's called boot camp.
Just hang in there, Gaby. We all went through it.
Shut up, Mona. I'm puking air.
He's coming. Get crunching.
Hey! Did I hear talking?
Sorry, sir! She got a little nauseous.
I don't give a rat's ass what your problem is.
You retch on your own time.
Okay. We need to talk.
What the hell are you doing? Get your butt back down!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time-out. Time-out?
Look, I appreciate this whole military commando act, but I'm new at this, and frankly, this is a bit much. A bit much?
Yeah. Are we gonna get a break soon?
Oh. Oh, we want a break.
Like, maybe some coffee, some pastry?
Oh, that sounds so yummy.
You got any? No, I don't got any! Now get down or I'm gonna put you down!
I said time-out! There is no time-out! You signed a contract! Now get down!
Don't take that tone with me. I am paying. Do it! Do it!
Aah! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Who brought her here?
That would be me!
Because of Edie, our 2-mile run is now 4 miles!
Oh, my god. Look at those. Wow! Hey. What's going on?
Oh, Susan, you gotta check these out.
Oh, please don't make a fuss.
They're magnificent. Susan, look at 'em.
Uh, what am I looking at exactly? The pearls.
Oh, those. Oh, they're stunning.
Oh. Thank you.
Well, I have a big bar mitzvah to prep. See ya.
Oh. Mm. She's so lucky.
Mike is such a great guy.
What? Mike bought those? He bought her pearls?
He's a keeper.
Oh, that's right. You didn't keep him, did you?
Hi. Lynette, hi. Oh, I wish I had time for a chat, but I'm on my way to a meeting.
I might design my own line of bakeware. Can you imagine?
This will just take a sec. Okay.
Tom and I are so grateful for your investment that we want to do something special for you. Oh, that sounds lovely.
We'd like to shut Scavo's down for the night and throw a party in your honor. Just family and friends.
We'd toast your success and have a night of fun, just like old times. What do you say? Oh, that sounds nice. Can we walk and talk?
Yeah, yeah. You know what might be even better?
My publisher has been begging me to do a local launch for my book. Hmm.
I could do a signing at your restaurant and finally fill the place.
Would you hold that for a moment? Oh. Well, we've filled the place many times, but it's your party.
Whatever you want. Oh, you can just put that on a hanger in the back.
What I want is to make this an opportunity for you.
We can turn one of your dismal Thursday night seatings into a real event.
I don't know what to say.
Well, don't thank me. It was your idea.
Glad I thought of it.
Susan Mayer knew she couldn't always give her son everything she would've liked...
Yet when she saw her child's tuition around Katherine Mayfair's neck, she felt something had been stolen from him.
And it didn't take her long to decide...
How she was going to get it back.
Susan, hi. Hi. You at home?
Uh, yeah. I'm just about to jump in the shower. What's up?
I'm going crazy 'cause I think I left my front door unlocked.
Could you run and check? I'll stay on the line.
No, no. I totally understand.
The one day I don't lock up, I always think that's the day somebody's gonna break in.
And so even though I was already halfway to the airport, I turned around and I came home, and, yep, I had left the garbage disposal on.
So ever since then, I always check.
Oh, I'm the same way. Anyway, you can relax.
The front door's all locked up. Oh, you know what?
I'm actually still worried about the side door.
Do you think you could check that, too? Already did. You're good.
Well, I'm gonna take that shower now. See ya later, hon.
Mike, is that you?
You're just in time.
For god sake, give me back my pearls!
Pearls or towel... you decide.
You wouldn't dare. I have been naked on this street.
It would be nice to take the heat off that story. Have you lost your mind?
Mike said he can't afford to pay for M.J.'S private school.
Now I know why.
He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him.
What? He wouldn't pay for M.J.'S school?
No. So I was going to take these and sell them to try to pay for it, and, yes, now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds. I can't believe Mike would do that.
Well, he did.
Hey, Mrs. Mayfair.
It's nice to see you.
Perhaps we should discuss this later.
This can't be good.
So is this a "welcome home, we missed you" kind of thing or...
Damn right, "oh." What happened to "I'm broke and can't afford to send M.J. To private school"? Don't get me wrong, Mike.
It was a wonderfully generous present.
But you can't go around blowing your kid's money on jewelry for your girlfriend.
What did these cost you? $4,000, $5,000?
They're fake, okay?
And I knew how badly you wanted pearls, and I couldn't afford real ones.
And the salesman swore you'd never know the difference, and she didn't.
At least you won't feel bad if you ever lose them.
I just wanted to get you a really nice gift, and I don't know.
I-I guess I was embarrassed when I couldn't.
Mike, don't ever feel like you have to spend money to impress me.
I'm already very impressed.
Ugh. Okay, okay. Point made.
I'll go fix us some dinner.
How dare you.
I didn't know they were fake.
I mean how dare you think that I would put jewelry for my girlfriend ahead of my son's education.
Okay, maybe I jumped to conclusions, but this school is important for M.J.
I feel really bad that we're falling short.
Susan, I've been at work since 6:00 this morning, and after I inhale a 5-minute dinner, I'm going back out till midnight.
I am busting my ass to give our son the best, so if we're falling short, it's not because of me.
Where are you? You're late for training.
Oh, yeah, I quit that.
There is no quitting. It's in the contract.
Yeah, well, maybe you should take it up with my lawyer.
Here he is.
We are not leaving!
Come on, ladies! Keep going!
Keep it moving!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
When you don't come to boot camp, boot camp comes to you. Fall in!
Are you out of mind? I have two sleeping children. Oh, I know. I've seen the cellulite.
Fall in! Do it, Gaby. There is no quitting.
Oh, don't get all holier than thou, Mona.
I saw you pull into the doughnut shack yesterday. Doughnut... that's a lap!
Oh, really? Well, try this on for size.
I'm going back to bed, because I'm tired.
And when I wake up, maybe I'll have some cake, and you can't stop me.
Where are you going?
If you don't get out there, he is gonna take it out on the rest of us.
Well, frankly, some of them need it.
I just came for a little remodel, and there are some real teardowns out there.
Wow. You are one spoiled, selfish, little brat.
Oh, for god sakes, Edie, it's a stupid exercise class.
I tried it. It sucked. I don't want to do it anymore.
Lighten up. Well, that stupid little exercise class is filled with women who bust their asses three times a week while raising kids and holding down full-time jobs.
Well, they're crazy. He yells, and they jump.
He tells them to run all the way over here, and they do it.
He didn't make us come here. We agreed to.
What the hell for?
Because you told us that it was important to you to get into that dress.
So we came here to support you.
You wanted the old Gaby back?
Well, congratulations. You got her...
A self-centered, obnoxious jerk.
Personally, I liked poor, paunchy Gaby better.
At least she had some humility.
Okay, time to stretch.
You are 25 minutes late. Give me 50.
♪♪♪ Oh, my god. You're her!
Well, technically, I'm she, but yes.
Your Turkey tetrazzini saved my marriage.
Would you sign this for me?
I am so excited to be tasting your food tonight.
My food? What are you talking about?
Oh, well, it says here the chefs of Scavo's are going to be making recipes from your book. They are?
I can't wait to try that four cheese pizza.
Well, you might have to.
I understand you and your fellow chefs will be serving my four cheese pizza tonight.
Yep. Just adding the parmesan.
But that's commercial parmesan.
So that's like the dust they sweep off the floor of a place that makes real cheese.
Oh, no. It's fine. We use it all the time.
Oh, perhaps you do, but my recipe specifies fresh grated.
Bree, no one will notice.
Parmesan is the fourth cheese in a four cheese pizza.
It's the Ringo of these cheeses.
Hey, Mr. Scavo said the grease trap is overflowing again.
Oh, for Pete sake. I'll be right back.
Uh, take your time.
I'm sorry. We haven't been introduced.
I'm Bree Hodge, part owner.
Hi. I'm Cindy. We'll chat later.
Roll out some dough and show me where the basil is.
We'll be serving three cheese pizza tonight.
But what about the pizzas that we just made?
Tom, I can't tell you how happy I am for you.
This place is packed. It's packed! Yep. You know what? Bree really came through for us.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Even if she hadn't, you would have landed on your feet.
I had total faith in you. And you have had three scotch and sodas.
Dude, this money goes right in your pocket.
Mm! I'm just supporting you.
Hey, I gotta go check on that grease trap.
Yeah, I gotta get back to Edie. She wanted me home by 10:00.
But, dude, congratulations.
I'm proud of you.
See ya. You bet.
Nothing. Never mind. You're busy. You know, wait.
I just want you to know that...
That guy's not your friend. Who? Dave?
Is there some place we can talk?
Son of a...
♪♪♪ If this doesn't stop your mother-in-law from criticizing your cooking, I will give you a full refund.
Hey, can I borrow you a sec?
Now? People are waiting. You'll still be a celebrity in five minutes. Come on.
You want to explain this?
Oh, dear. I was hoping to spare your feelings, but since you know, I wasn't comfortable having my recipe made with substandard ingredients.
We use that parmesan all the time.
You can't go changing things without asking me.
Hey, you made me partner.
I can change 15%, and I chose the parmesan.
And I don't know if you've heard, but people are raving about my pizza.
Well, they probably would have loved my pizza, too, but we'll never know, because my partner threw it in the garbage. What a waste.
Fine. I'll reimburse you, if that'll make things right.
Oh, sure. It's only money, right?
What's that supposed to mean?
We all know how well you're doing, Bree.
You have made that very clear.
But you shouldn't be lording it over everybody just 'cause you've caught a couple of breaks.
Caught a couple of breaks?
I've worked my ass off to get where I am.
I've worked my ass off, too. I just wasn't as lucky as you.
Well, I've always believed that we create our own luck.
Meaning that I've created my own failure?
Well, not completely, but let's face it. You do cut corners.
I mean, one of the things I can teach you is the importance of the attention to detail. Wow. Talk about luck.
When I offered to throw you this little thank-you party, I never imagined that it would turn into an opportunity for me to learn from the great Bree Hodge.
Well, I'm not the one who needed $20,000 to keep my business afloat.
No, you're the one who's never gonna let me forget it. Where are you going?
Home. Tell me how the party I threw for you turns out.
Lynette, I-I-I don't understand why you're so upset.
I know you don't, but five years ago, you would've.
You know that was an accident, right?
I did the best I could on the clasp, Mrs. Solis.
I don't think you'll be able to tell the difference.
Okay, be honest.
Here I come.
So what do you think?
You are stunning.
You're back, Mrs. Solis, exactly like you were before.
Oh, I think I've changed a little bit.
Not that I can see.
If there's nothing else, I'll be going.
What is it? Is there a problem?
No, no. It's perfect.
I just want to tell you how helpful you've been to me over the years, and I'm really grateful.
Hey, buddy. How was the rest of the...
I know what you did.
What?! Don't give me that!
I know that you told the cops that Porter set that fire. I didn't say he set the fire.
I only said I saw him in the back hallway.
You couldn't have! He wasn't there!
Tom, the cops were really grilling me.
They wouldn't let up.
I had to tell them what I thought I saw.
Porter could have gone to jail.
You almost destroyed my family, destroyed our business.
I'll make it up to you. I swear.
I never meant to hurt you or Lynette.
Oh, Lynette doesn't know about this. I didn't tell her.
If I had, you'd be dead.
I am so sorry.
I never should have said anything to the cops.
It was dark. I'd been drinking. You've gotta believe me.
Are you done?
This is crazy.
I mean, there's gotta be some way we can work this out.
That's what I thought, too.
But I don't know who you are.
Can I ask you something?
Go ahead. Shoot.
I've been thinking a lot about your first wife.
I know. Just one question, and then I'll shut it.
I don't like talking about her.
It has been weeks since I found out she even existed, and I've never mentioned her once.
Come on. Look at this as my reward.
Being married to her... Mm-hmm.
Or being married to me... Mm.
What's the biggest difference?
Our marriage is more real.
In what way?
Well, with her, it was like...
A fairy tale.
I thought it would last forever.
What you and I have is more real because I know it's not forever.
When I hold you, when I kiss you, I try to remind myself to appreciate the moment, because tomorrow may never come.
Is just temporary.
The way the fairy tale ends...
My first instinct was to ask you if she was prettier than me.
When will I learn to go with my gut?
I'm sorry. You can't afford the tuition?
But I read in your brochure that faculty members get a 50% discount, so for your art department, how would you like to hire an award-winning children's book illustrator who is great with kids and has a face you can't say no to?
Unfortunately, our art department is fully staffed.
Can't say no.
Miss Mayer, I appreciate your enthusiasm and the face, but I'm afraid it just won't work out.
I wish you the best of luck.
Miss Mayer, please, I'm so busy.
Look, I know I said that M.J. Was a star student, but the truth is, he's one of those kids that needs extra attention.
The classes at his school are way too big, and I see him getting lost in the shuffle.
And if he gets lost now...
My ex-husband is doing everything that he can, and I need to know that I am, too.
I will serve lunches.
I will be a janitor.
But I am not walking out on my son's future.
Well, one of our art teachers does need an assistant, but you're completely overqualified.
I'll take it.
Congratulations on your new job.
Congratulations on getting me out of your office.
A check for the damage to your car.
I can't afford to go through my insurance company.
Oh, Lynette, don't be silly. It's just the bumper.
You don't need to do that.
Yes, I do.
And the minute we're back on our feet, I am gonna pay back your investment...
Every penny, with interest.
Lynette, stop. Wait. Please. Don't be this way.
I don't want money to get in the way of our friendship.
I think it's a little late for that.
There's a lot you can do with money in the suburbs.
You can pay for a night on the town.
You can provide a private school education.
You can purchase a token of affection.
But the one thing you must never do with money is use it as a weapon, because someone...
Always gets hurt.