Desperate Housewives S5E16 Script

Crime Doesn't Pay (2009)

Previously on...

Dave got caught.

You changed your name and you're living in Fairview.

It's not healthy or safe.

Gaby got leverage.

I'm getting that bonus after all.

So, Brad, what sort of bonus are we looking at?

Katherine dropped a bomb. Mike's moving in here.

What? Tom called it quits.

If we're gonna sell this place, we should probably know exactly how much it's worth. And Bree got honest...

You're paid based on your contribution. You're saying I'm worthless.

No, I'm just saying you're worth... less.

Which resulted in some strange behavior.

Everyone who met Orson Hodge knew he believed in being polite.

He greeted his neighbors each day with a sunny...

Good morning.

He opened doors for young women with a gallant...

Allow me.

If he bumped into a stranger on the street... Oh!

He'd cheerfully say... I beg your pardon.

And if one of his friends was having a hard time, Orson was the first to say... You need some help there?

Whether his friend wanted his help or not.

Orson.

What are you doing here?

Well, I heard about your going out of business sale, and I thought you could use a hand.

I'm good. Thanks.

Oh! Wow. This is charming.

Oh, it's a salt shaker my grandfather gave me.

Used to display it on the shelf.

How much you want for it?

It's not for sale.

Everything in that box is stuff I'm taking with me.

Oh. Okay.

Just trying to help out.

I know it's a difficult day, and I think I, of all people, understand what it is you're going through.

Why you "of all people"?

Well, I know what it's like to have your livelihood suddenly vanish.

Remember, I used to be a dentist.

Oh. Right.

Right.

Of course, it's not really the same, is it?

What's not? My business started going south because of a bad economy.

It got worse when my son was accused of a crime that he didn't commit, but you lost your license because you went to prison for a crime you did commit.

Why are you being this way?

Because what's happening to me is unfair.

What happened to you was... Justice?

Yeah, and to compare my situation with yours, on a day like this, well, I gotta tell you, it's a little insulting.

Then I apologize.

My intention was never to insult you.

I wanted to support you in your... in your hour of need.

Uh-huh. Um, vultures are starting to arrive.

I'll leave you to it, then.

Yes, everyone who met Orson Hodge knew he believed in being polite.

What they didn't know is that he also believed in punishing those who weren't.

The day after Mike Delfino moved in with Katherine Mayfair, she thought it would be nice to share her happiness, so she decided to throw a housewarming party for her friends and neighbors.

But from the moment the first invitation was delivered, her friends began making assumptions about those who had been invited...

And about those who hadn't.

I know it's late notice, but I do hope you'll all be able to make it. Now does this really mean no gifts, or is it like when Gaby says "no gifts" and she means no cheap gifts? You know, Katherine, if you need any help, I would be happy to make my fam... shh!

Hey, guys. What are we talking about?

The federal deficit.

Whoo! That sucker's big!

Actually, Susan, we were talking about my housewarming party.

Oh, yeah. I'm so excited. You got my r.S.V.P., right?

Yes. I'm so glad you're coming. Oh, um, by the way, can you bring your blue punch bowl? Absolutely. Anything else you need?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening here?

Why isn't hair being pulled?

Why would we do that?

Um, let's see. She's shacking up with your ex?

Something which, when I do it, I get an angry mob on my front lawn. I mean, let's be honest, Susan.

You weren't exactly over the moon when you heard they were gonna live together. Well, yes, I was upset at first.

But, you know, Mike was gonna be with someone eventually, and I consider myself lucky that it was someone, who, after all is said and done, has always been my true friend.

Susan, that's very sweet.

And admirable.

And abnormal.

Hey, Gaby, remember when I was with Carlos? Shut it, bitch.

See? That's normal.

I'll give you... $6,000 for it.

What? It's a $12,000 oven.

There's a dent in the door.

Not a dent. A fist print.

My husband's been a little frustrated lately.

On the plus side, it matches the shoe print on the dishwasher.

$6,200... take it or leave it.

Yi, yi, yi, yi.

Fine. Congratulations.

You just stole a pizza oven.

Hey. Hey. I got $6,200 for the oven.

What?! That guy is ripping us off.

Yeah, well, putting an "everything must go" sign kind of eroded our bargaining position.

How are we doing on the other stuff?

Well, by the end of the day, we should be able to pay off our creditors, give Bree back the $20,000 that we owe her and have enough to live on for...

45 minutes.

Forget I asked. I don't want to talk about it now. Ohh.

Just... Look, I know this is a crappy day for you, but we need to start thinking about what our plans are going to be. I told you, I'm gonna get a job.

And that is so great.

So when do you think that great thing might happen? Lynette, don't.

It's taken everything I got not to lose it right now. Sorry.

You honestly think you're gonna get $200 for that cappuccino machine? I'll give you $50.

50 bucks?! Are you... You... ah. Hey.

I think you better stop with the bargain hunting unless you want your face to match the oven and the dishwasher.

Hey, guys!

What the hell are they doing here?

They had theater tickets, and their sitter canceled.

We're only gonna watch their kids for a couple hours. Good idea, Gaby.

We're helping the slimeball cheat on his wife.

Why not babysit for him, too? Shh. Hi!

Oh, you guys are angels for doing this.

Well, what are friends for? Speaking of which, thanks for hooking Brad up with his new girl.

Uh, Shayla, right?

You know, that hairstylist you recommended...

Uh, I was at the mall making an appointment, and Maria walked by.

Oh, that Shayla. How many shaylas do you know?

Two. Two.

There's, uh, Shayla the hairstylist and then there's this other Shayla I know who's a home-wrecking whore.

Hey, Carlos. Uh, why don't you take, uh, Maria and the kids inside and introduce them to the girls? Come on, guys.

Come on in. All right. Let's go.

You're using me as an alibi now?

I paid you 30 grand. I want my money's worth.

And by the way, your tennis game with Maria tomorrow...

You need to move it to noon. Why? So you can go get another "haircut"?

Shayla's got a couple hours off, and I want to spend 'em with her. Well, Bradley, we all want things.

For instance, I would like Carlos to have a week off next month. Impossible. It's our busiest time.

Come on, Brad. We don't want to be late.

Oh, Gaby, we're still on for tennis tomorrow, right?

4:00?

4:00? Let me think. Uh...

Um...

Actually, noon would be better for me. Could you do noon?

Oh, I was supposed to have lunch with Brad.

Do you mind, sweetie?

Well, I was really looking forward to it, but, uh... go ahead. You girls have fun.

Listen to him. Can you believe this guy?

Nope. He is not to be believed.

My, what an interesting coat hanger.

It's shaped like a sofa.

Please put it in the closet.

Sorry, darling.

Orson?

Why do you have a salt shaker from Scavo's pizzeria?

Oh.

I stopped by to express my sympathies with Tom, and I-I remember l-looking at it, and I-I guess I absentmindedly put it in my pocket.

Well, take it back now. They're liquidating, and they're gonna need every penny they can get.

Ma...

I want to stay here with you.

Me no like-a the Scavos so much-a.

No?

No.

Oh. Very well.

Though I'm not looking forward to going down there again. Really?

Yes. I only went down there to commiserate, and he was very dismissive. Tom has a lot on his mind. I'm sure he didn't mean it.

You weren't there, Bree. He was downright rude.

You know, it would serve him right if I kept this.

Don't be ridiculous.

Tom's rudeness does not give you license to steal.

Return it immediately.

Ma, you... You such a pretty girl.

I wanna live-a here with you. Mwah. Mwah.

Hmm?

Hey.

Oh, great. You found the punch bowl.

Washed, cleaned, ready to go.

Sorry about the mess. Mike's still unpacking.

Hey, did you manage to keep that antler chandelier out of here?

Yeah. That went right to the garage.

The tough one was the framed towel with some football guy's sweat on it.

That "football guy" is Peyton Manning.

You would do well to learn that name. Ah.

Oh. Wow.

Oh, now that I really love.

I almost couldn't believe he had something that nice.

Thank you. For what?

I painted it. It was a gift for him.

Really?

You painted that. He didn't mention it.

Yeah. It was a little beach we went to for our honeymoon.

Uh, I mean, you know how much Mike loves the ocean.

Yeah.

Now I can see it every day.

Anyway, um, can't wait for the party.

It's gonna be fun.

Yep.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must be so hard.

The hard part was when my friend tried to help me with a loan, and I thanked her by becoming a lunatic and denting her car.

Now that you brought it up, Lynette, I've been feeling just awful about the way I took over your restaurant and insulted you and... What can I say?

I think we have the kind of friendship where you don't have to say anything.

Let's just hug and move on.

Okay?

Oh. How's Tom holding up?

He's doing great.

Isn't it noon?

Yeah. He's up early today.

He just doesn't know what he's doing next.

Maybe I can help.

My publisher is thinking about doing his advertising in-house, and he's been looking for someone.

Seriously? Yeah.

Oh, my god. That would be great.

And if he gets the job, you can actually cash the check.

I tell you what.

I will invite Bruce over for dinner, you and Tom can join us, and we'll turn it into a low pressure job interview. Thank you. This will really cheer Tom up.

Great. I'll call Bruce this afternoon.

Could you call him now?

Hey, Mike.

Oh, I'm looking forward to one of your world-famous martinis.

So was Mrs. McCluskey. She got here early.

Ah. Yeah, but don't panic. I sent Edie out for more booze.

Ah. So you sent the mouse to buy the cheese. Well done.

Well, look who's here.

Somebody owes me $20. How about we let it ride?

Double or nothing... McCluskey slugs someone by 5:00.

Katherine and I told you guys we were taking the high road.

Why won't you believe us? Because I vividly remember yesterday, and I wasn't born during it.

Okay, you know what?

Let me show you something I think might change your mind.

So Katherine has a picture that I painted for Mike hanging over her mantelpiece. Does she know you painted it?

Yes, and we talked all about it. She loves it.

You painted that? Wow. You're good.

What? Where the hell is it? Bye-bye, high road.

What's with the puss?

Katherine hung one of Mike's paintings over the mantel till she found out Susan painted it.

Then she took it down. Ooh. Something tells me this party's about to get good.

You know, there could be a perfectly innocent explanation. Hey, Kathy.

What happened to Susan's painting?

Oh! I am such a klutz.

I was dusting yesterday, and, well, it just fell.

The glass shattered, and ugh.

It took it to the framer. It'll be back in a jiffy.

Mm.

Oh! Excuse me.

See a perfectly innocent...

Bald-faced lie.

It is possible.

I just drained a pitcher of martinis.

I'm not buying it.

Really, Susan, there's not a woman in the world who doesn't know what "I broke it dusting" means. That's how I got rid of Tom's last bottle of "musk, the Cologne for men."

All right, you guys think what you want.

I'm gonna choose to believe her.


All right, so we have whiskey and bourbon.

What else does Mike want?

Bup, bup, bup. We need a system.

Let's start over there in Scotland, head over to Russia and work our way around the globe.

Wow. It's crowded in here. They're all buying lottery tickets.

The jackpot's $100 million.

Look. There's a priest.

I knew that vow of poverty was a crock.

Hello!

You remember me.

Father drance.

I-I didn't know you'd moved back to the area.

Oh, I just remembered. Mike wants vermouth.

Can you grab that before we forget?

Sure.

Right away.

It's wonderful to see you looking so well. I...

Shut up.

I'm only gonna say this once. I've moved on.

I've remarried, I have a new life, and that's the way I want it to stay... new.

Of course.

So, uh, what was that about?

Oh. He said we sat together once on an airplane.

Apparently he's less memorable than he thinks he is.

Come on. I don't want to miss the party.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. I will do it, but you owe me.

I gotta go.

Let me guess. Brad.

Yes, he wants me to take Maria shopping tomorrow. Yeah, so he can grab a quickie.

You know, this whole thing is disgusting.

I can't take it anymore. I know. Just keep reminding yourself that we're getting things out of it, too.

Things I don't want. Things I haven't earned.

No, I'm gonna tell Bradley we're out.

What? You can't do that.

You'll lose your job and all that money. I don't care about the money.

I do...

And so does my personal shopper and pilates instructor.

Gaby, no. We're doing the right thing.

Or we can...

Make someone else do the right thing.

Gaby, what does that mean?

It means...

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall to get my hair cut by a slut.

Mm.

Hey. Uh, look at what I found... My beach painting.

Oh, yeah. Katherine told me it broke.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, that's what she told me, too, only, uh, it didn't.

That's weird. Why would she...

I don't know.

She seemed to love the painting...

Until I told her that I painted it.

Excuse me just a minute.

I'm not making a big deal.

I just want to know why you lied. Mike, please, not now.

We have a house full of guests. No, we'll talk about this now.

What are you doing? Uh, nothing.

Susan showed me the painting.

There's not a scratch on it. She what?!

You didn't.

Susan!

I hope you enjoyed that. I didn't.

I didn't. Uh...

So what are we thinking?

Well, Shayla... It is Shayla, right?

Mm-hmm.

I need a fresh look. Mm.

I've been going through some pretty intense personal stuff lately.

Oh. Really?

Fine. I'll tell you.

I have been having an affair with a married man, and it's come to that point where I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

So I want a new style that says I'm not a giant turd of sin.

Well, it's not your fault that you fell in love with a married man. Yeah, that's what I thought at first, and then I realized that's stupid.

I mean, what about his poor wife?

Well, maybe she doesn't love him enough.

Oh, no. She does. She loves him plenty.

So you want to take the bangs up a little bit?

And he has kids... Two adorable little kids.

That's sad, but sometimes you just have to look out for yourself.

Well, maybe I am tired of being that kind of selfish bitch.

Have you ever considered, uh, highlights?

Focus, Shayla! We are talking about how I'm ruining innocent people's lives.

Gaby, you seem like a lovely, warm person.

Stop beating yourself up.

Oh, for god sakes, you bleached blonde twit.

I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about you and Bradley.

What? What... what is this? Who... who are you?

I'm a friend of Maria's, who, by the way, happens to be a warm and lovely person.

Well, maybe she is, but Brad doesn't love her.

He says he's gonna leave her.

Oh, Shayla, he's lying. She's pregnant.

That's impossible. They haven't had sex in over a year.

Well, call the Vatican, 'cause we're gonna need a manger and some hay.

Get out. I'm just trying to protect you here.

I said get out now.

Okay, let's just take a deep breath here...

Let's not do anything we're gonna regret.

Now.

This is why people should never get their hair cut in a mall!

Mwah. Ohh. You couldn't shave?

Come on, Tom. You need to look nice.

Bree's going to a lot of trouble for this dinner.

What, is she debuting a new salmon puff?

Okay. I was going to wait to tell you this when you were in a good mood, but I realize that's not gonna happen, so Bree has a special guest tonight, her publisher... Mm-hmm.

And as luck would have it, he's looking to hire a new marketing executive.

Oh, my god. What are you...

Are you tricking me into a job interview?

I'll find something, okay? I just need some time.

You're grieving. I get it.

But this sounds like a fantastic job.

Please just hear the guy out and make a nice...

Impression.

Fine. I'll shave.

And brush your teeth. My eyes are watering.

Oh.

And don't just wet the toothbrush.

I can tell.

Bruce. Hello.

Hi. Come on in. Hi.

Hi. Thank you so much for joining us tonight.

May I take your coat?

Sure. Let me.

Oh, wait. Let me get my "brain" out of there.

I never go anywhere without this.

That way, when I get a bright idea...

Wham! Right into the tape recorder.

Huh. Sounds like quite a handy gizmo. Thank you, Orville.

It's Orson.

Orville, Orson... either way, he came home from the playground covered in bruises. Am I right?

Idea for children's book...

Kid who gets the crap kicked out of him

'- cause he has a goofy name. Could be "Orson."

Oh, that's them. Wait till you meet Tom.

You'll be so glad you had that tape recorder.

He's just bursting with ideas.

Hi. Lynette, Tom, hi.

Hey. I'd like you to meet my publisher, Bruce.

It's nice to meet you.

Hey. Bree, I'm getting a beer, if you don't mind.

Hey, Katherine.

Mike is standing across the street watching to make sure I apologize, even though it's clear to me you're the one who should be apologizing for the way you ruined my party.

One, two, three.

Well, that should be long enough, so here.

Kiss my ass. Bye.

Hold on.

I'm sorry.

But neither of us exactly gets a gold star for model behavior.

It's not the same.

Why not? I mean, you loved that painting until you found out that I did it, and then you acted totally petty.

So why am I the only bad guy here?

Let me ask you something, okay?

Didn't it give you just the tiniest little thrill to tell me that that painting that I was so happy about was yours?

That I had something in my house that represented the love between you and Mike?

No.

Then what are you doing, Susan?

Can't you see how hard this is for me?

You live right across the street.

You guys share a kid.

Do I have to have a painting of your honeymoon, too?

Look, I knew I wasn't going to get a clean slate with Mike, okay?

I just wanted a clean mantelpiece.

Oh.

Fantastic dinner, Bree. This was a great idea.

Well, I just wanted to get you together with Tom here.

I thought you two might hit it off.

Yeah. Tom, Bree says you used to be quite the ad wiz.

Oh, I don't know.

He's being modest. He was the best.

Good, because I'm looking for someone to head up a new division.

I'm going to put some coffee on.

Orson, would you give me a hand?

Let these three chat.

So do you think you have any interest in getting back in the game?

I don't know.

The timing's a little weird.

How so?

I don't know.

Well, Tom was just running a very successful restaurant, and he just sold it at a handsome profit.

So he's waiting for the right opportunity.

You might have to do a little selling here, Bruce.

Huh. I guess the good ones are always the hardest to land.

Yeah.

Let me give it a shot.

We represent a small stable of elite nonfiction authors from all over the world.

So you'd be working closely with those writers to come up with creative approaches to selling their books.

That sounds... amazing.

I don't know.

Are there more potatoes?

You can have mine.

Stop saying, "I don't know."

Mm.

Sounds like there's a lot of traveling.

I'm not, you know, really big on living out of a suitcase.

Even to do two weeks at the book fair in Paris while you stay at a five-star hotel?

Paris?

Like France?

Yes, like the greatest city in the world.

Gee, I'm getting Lynette excited.

Too bad you don't have any advertising experience.

Oh.

Actually, I have 12 years of experience.

Really?

Yeah.

I was account executive for eight years, v.p. For four more after that, and by the way, I wrote my graduate thesis on the rise of the nonfiction novel.

W-Wow.

I know. So what kind of starting salary are we talking about?

Lynette, can I see you for a sec?

Okay. Bruce, could you hold that thought?

I'm gonna be right back.

Well, we're on pins and needles.

How's it going?

What the hell are you doing? I'm getting this job. That's what I'm doing.

I thought it was my job. Well, you're not acting like you want it very much, mister...

"Uh, I don't know.

Are there any more potatoes?" It's not that I don't want it.

It's just that it's all happening so fast.

I need a little time to lick my wounds. Okay, you lick. I'm going to Paris.

You're not taking my job.

Your job? The one you're magically gonna get by sulking and acting like a brat? You had a shot. You blew it.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You just messed with the bull, sister.

Prepare to get the horns.

I... ugh!

Maybe we should slice the tart in here.

I don't want to bring a large knife into this.

Bruce...

I was just saying to Lynette, I gave you my "I don't really care about this job" thing to see if you really care about this job, and you do, and I like that.

Clever.

Now we haven't talked compensation package yet, but I got a good feeling...

You know, Tom, you're right. Bruce does care about this job.

That's why he wants to make sure he gets the perfect person for it.

Well, Lynette, you yourself said I was the best.

Oh, you were. You were the best person who ever worked for me.

I used to be his boss.

This is not what I had in mind. I don't know why either one of them wants to work for that jackass. Now, now. He's been very good to me.

Well, of course he has, because he knows you make him a lot of money.

Me, on the other hand, he sees as an insignificant little man, barely worth mentioning as he talks into his annoying, penis-shaped tape recorder.

So I said to him, "je crois que c'est I'homme qui fait les chez d'oeuvres."

And he said to me, "non, Lynette.

Ce sont les chez d'oeuvres qui font I'homme."

Great story... I assume.

I don't speak another language, but I've had ad campaigns translated into 12 different ones, including professor crispy's potato chips.

I love that campaign. You did that?

I did.

Yes. Tom was very good at his job, right up until he got fired.

Well, actually, I was relieved to get fired.

My boss was kind of a ballbuster.

Oops. She's right here.

Je regrette.

Oh. Would anyone care for something sweet?

I know I would.

Well, we've all had our troubles as bosses, haven't we, Tom?

I was sort of sugarcoating it when I said his restaurant was very successful.

The truth is, he mismanaged that pizza joint right into the ground.

Let me be very clear.

I think Lynette is fantastic.

She is a great manager, she's got terrific people skills and is very reliable...

As long as the cancer doesn't flare up again.

You know what?

It's getting late.

I should probably hit the road.

But what about the job?

Yeah...

I just started looking. I'm sure it's gonna be a long process, but trust me, you've certainly made an impression.

I'll get your coat.

Oh, it's a shame you can't stay for dessert.

I've made tarte tatin.

Idea for novel...

Woman who's married to a gay man and doesn't know it.

Well, thanks again.

I don't know when I've had such an interesting evening.

I'll call you tomorrow. We'll talk about your friends.

Uh, Bruce, why don't I wrap up a piece of that tart to go? Yeah.

Give it.

Give what? Bruce's tape recorder.

I don't know what... You took it. I saw you.

Hey. Has anybody seen my tape recorder?

It was right here. I'll look.

Hey.

Ah.

Stop.

I don't have it. Ooh! What do you call this?

Uh, Bruce is looking for, uh...

Never mind.

We will talk about this later.

Oh. Look what got brought in with the dirty napkins.

Thanks.

Hello, Gaby. Ooh!

Jeez, Bradley, you scared me!

You talked to Shayla. Yeah, she's a real gem.

You shouldn't have done that. We have a deal.

Well, I'm tired of the deal, and what you're doing to Maria is despicable.

Hey. You're in no position to judge me.

Don't forget, I was working with Carlos when you cheated on him.

Yeah, well, I'm not that person anymore.

I've changed.

Right. You're worse.

You're so worried about Maria until there's money or vacation time at stake.

Then you're only worried about Gaby.

You know what? You're right.

I'm out.

What do you mean? Deal's over.

I'm not covering for your stupid little fling anymore.

It's not a fling. I love her.

She's the most incredible woman I've ever met.

Shayla? She has a hello kitty tip jar.

Well, she makes me happy. I can't give her up.

Well, at least be man enough to tell Maria, because if you don't, I will.

All right, fine.

I will tell Maria.

And you can tell Carlos to bring a box to work on Monday 'cause he's fired.

So dinner...

Wow.

Lynette, I will regret for the rest of my life what I said tonight.

I... I don't know what's going on with me.

I do, and it's okay.

Besides, did you hear what came out of my mouth?

Like I said... wow.

Wouldn't you love to hear what Bruce said into his tape recorder on the ride home?

"Idea... Check local mental hospital for escaped married couple."

So...

Were you serious about wanting to go back to work?

I was talking about that job tonight and trying to convince Bruce I was good, and I remembered something. I am good.

And I would like another chance to prove it.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah. We did my thing for seven years.

Now it's your turn.

Oh! Mwah.

Do you know how embarrassed I would have been if Bruce had seen you take it?

He deserved it. He insulted me.

So say something. Stand up to him. But stealing?

Honestly, Orson, why would you do something like that?

I don't know, Bree.

I don't. Here's something I do know...

When I was a successful dentist, no one spoke to me the way they do now.

When I lost my practice, I lost people's respect.

And you hope to earn it back through larceny?

You haven't walked in my shoes.

Tom lost his job. Everyone jumped to his rescue.

Even you...

Bending over backwards trying to get him a job.

I don't need to walk in your shoes, Orson.

What you did was embarrassing and childish, and it's never gonna happen again.

Understood?


See you. Thank you.

Father? Yes. Can I help you?

Oh, I hope so. I, uh, saw you the other night when you were buying your lottery ticket.

I was with my husband Dave.

Ah.

Yes. He said that you barely know each other, but it didn't seem that way to me.

And, well, he refuses to talk about his past, so if there is anything that you could tell me about him...

I'm not sure I can do that.

Please. He has so many secrets, and I don't have anyone else to turn to.

I wish I could help you, but...

This is something you need to discuss with your husband.

Well, if it was that easy, do you think that I would be here? I'm sorry.

Please know that my thoughts are with you both, Mrs. Dash.

It's Williams.

I'm too old-school for my own good.

I shouldn't just assume that you took your husband's name.

Anyway...

Good luck, Mrs. Williams.

Hey, Susan. I thought I had M.J. Till 7:00.

Uh, you do. I am here to take my painting back.

But you gave it to me. It's mine.

Well, now I'm ungiving it. Try to keep up.

Okay, if this is about what happened at the housewarming...

It is, actually, because that is when I decided that I don't want this piece of art that I slaved over hanging in the house you are sharing with your new girlfriend. Capisce?

Okay, so the other night you were mad because it wasn't hanging up, but now you want to take it?

Yep. I'm complicated like that. Aren't you glad you divorced me?

If you two want a painting so bad, paint your own.

Susan... Mayfair.

Stay out of this.

This is between me and my ex.

Got it?

Unbelievable.

Anyway, I'm thinking a brighter color for the baby's room.

Now I know it's a bit of a stretch, but how do you feel about turquoise?

Sweetheart?

We need to talk.

What you reading?

The want ads.

Can't decide if I should be a data entry operator or join the marines.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be. I told you, I hated working for that jackass.

You did the right thing. I should have done it sooner.

But you did it, even though you knew you were gonna lose a lot of money.

You're a good person, babe. I'm very proud of you.

Well, that means a lot, coming from a United States marine.

Mm.

Hello?

Maria.

Calm down.

Calm down.

Okay, we're coming over.

I guess Bradley told her.

Thanks for coming.

I didn't know who else to call.

It was horrible.

He just kept telling me he loves her.

She's the best thing that ever happened to him.

He finally understands what love means.

I just wanted him to stop talking.

You should never be too impressed by people with good manners.

They're the ones who will give a friendly wave even when they've stolen from you...

They're the type to sweetly welcome you...

Even as they try to uncover your secrets...

They're the kind to offer you coffee, even as they report you to the police.

And don't be too offended by someone who's openly rude...

Because they may be that way for the nicest of reasons.