Desperate Housewives S5E18 Script

A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. (2009)

Previously on...

A thief was confronted. Well, maybe you'll feel comfortable talking to a professional. A psychiatrist?

Someone light me a cigar. Carlos hired a old girlfriend...

And Gaby hired a spy. I talked to Carlos. You're in!

Edie dug deeper into Dave's past.

Killed three years ago... Car crash.

That was his wife. Give me that one.

Their daughter died in the same crash.

And Dave's master plan... You really think I make that much of a difference in Mike's life? If he ever lost you, it would destroy him.

Entered its final phase.

Uh, hi. Is this the ranger station?

Well, I didn't know whether to call you or fish and game, but, uh, I think I saw some guys up at Emerson woods hunting illegally, and I got worried because I know people like to go camping up there, and I-I sure wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.

Oh. No, no need to thank me.

I'm just doing my part as a concerned citizen.

Bye now.

Dave Williams had been planning the murder for years.

And like all the best plans, it was a simple one.

First, he would guide Mike Delfino and Katherine Mayfair to a remote cabin.

The next morning, he'd pretend to be asleep as the two lovers left to go hiking.

Dave would then grab the gun he'd carefully hidden...

And start to follow his quarry.

He'd wait until the two had paused for a moment to catch their breaths.

And then he'd pull the trigger...

Breaking the heart of the man who had killed his wife.

When the rangers arrived, they would mention the reports of illegal hunters in the area.

And Dave would drive Mike back home, all the while enjoying his pain.

Yes, Dave Williams had come up with a very simple plan.


But as he was about to discover...

Have you faxed this clipping to Edie Williams yet?

Um, doing it right now.

There is nothing simple...

About murder.

Life is full of nasty shocks...

Unpleasant surprises that jolt our systems...

And cause our hearts to skip a beat.

And these shocks always occur...

Susan? Hey, Karl.

When we least expect them.


What are you doing here?

Well, I just enrolled Evan.


And I was worried that we'd be out of each other's lives forever.

Mm, lucky, lucky.

What are you doing here? I am an art teacher.

Really? Do they know that?

And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan.

Hello, Evan.

Evan, this is Susan.

She's your sister Julie's mother.

We used to be married. She was a lot younger then.

Evan, why don't you head into the classroom?

I need to talk to your daddy, and I may need to use some grown-up words.

Okay, Susie q., what's wrong?

Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance.

Listen, it's bad enough that I've got one ex-husband running around the halls.

I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two.

So not a word about us having been married.

No more wisecracks. No Susie q's.

I am miss Susan, art teacher.

Yes, miss Susan.

Can I bang your erasers after class?

Karl, I'm serious. Don't mess with me.

I have a yardstick, and I'm not afraid to use it.

We're gonna be making a presentation for the Morrison contract sooner than we planned.

There are a lot of firms gunning for this, and... damn it, Lynette! Don't... don't touch my figurines.

These are worth more than the house you live in.

Big deal. So is this coffee mug.

All right, we should break for lunch.

No. Until this deal closes, we work through lunch.

But as a consolation, we'll also be working nights.

Nights? You really think that's necessary?

This is a $10 million deal, Carlos. How bad do you want it?

You heard the woman. We're working nights.

Um, I have a tiny scheduling conflict.

I coach my daughter's basketball team on Friday nights.

So if I could... Friday nights are now work nights.

If we're successful, those of you on commission stand to do very well.

And those of you who aren't? Well, you get to keep your jobs, which, in this economy, is a bonus all by itself.

All right, let's run down to the deli, grab a sandwich and meet back here in five.


No touching.

And, yes, I'll know.

Isn't she fun?

Hey, Carlos.

Did I ever tell you that Tom and I seriously considered you and Gaby for penny's godparents? You're not getting Friday nights off.

Look, I'm not happy about the schedule either.

I'm missing my kids, too. Then do something about it.

You're the president. Put the brakes on Lucy. Lynette, I hired her to crack the whip, and that's what she's doing. It's good for the company.

But she makes people crazy.

Can't you talk to her, get her to dial it down a bit? I will think about it.

But don't be asking me for favors like this.

When we're at the office, I'm not your neighbor, I'm not your friend.

I'm your boss. Got it?

Oh, by the way, you and Tom are coming over for cocktails on Saturday.

Oh, yeah. I plan to get drunk and bitch about my boss.

I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable.

Do you at least know why he steals?

If there were some sordid childhood trauma we could blame it on, it would really help me out with the neighbors. Oh, he knows.

Dr. Bernstein uncovered that my very first session.

Really? And... and yet he keeps charging me.

So, doctor, what's this "revelation" that you've been keeping from me for $200 an hour?

I steal to hurt you.

Why would you want to hurt me?

Each day for the past year, you have, inch by inch, slice by slice, brought me closer to being a eunuch.

Would you excuse us for moment?

This just became a private conversation.

If I stay, I might be able to help.

You wanna help?

Why don't you go down to the pharmacy in the lobby and buy some aspirin?

I'm gonna need it.

I don't deserve this.

I have been nothing but supportive of you since you got out of jail.

I even gave you a job.

I wanted to be your partner.

You made me an employee.

So you decided to punish me by resorting to petty theft?

For god sakes, Orson, I'm your wife.

Perhaps, but I'm not your husband.

We may share a bed, but you save your passion for your company.

That's not true! Isn't it?

Every day for the past year, I have been in the background, an afterthought, while you spend day and night nurturing your business.

All the while thinking I had your support.

I tried.

I thought I wouldn't mind being Mr. Bree Van De Kamp.

But it's killing me.

Every day, I get smaller and smaller.

And if something doesn't change, Orson Hodge is just gonna disappear altogether.

Girls are out like a light. Thanks for dinner.

Carlos, do you have to go back to work? Gaby, I got a meeting.

But can't Lucy cover it? You know those two extras zeroes at the end of my paycheck you like so much? They're there because I'm president.

Hours are part of the gig.

Hey. How about a quickie?

Babe, I don't have time.

Right, that's why I didn't suggest a longie. Oh, come on.

I'll have your eyes rolling back in your head in three minutes flat. You wanna do it there in front of the kids' sippy cups?

All gone.

Now let's do this. It'll be like old times.

We never did it on the table.

Yeah, we did, years ago. Don't you remember?

I don't think that was me.

Oh. Right.

Well, we'll create new table memories.

If you're trying to turn me on, you just failed miserably.

Carlos, do you realize since Bradley died and you took over, we haven't had sex once?

I miss you. I wanna spend time with you.

Now move the creamed corn and do me! Okay, how about tomorrow night?

Yeah, I've heard that before, and then tomorrow comes, and you're too tired.

Okay, then, this weekend. I'll be all yours.

And we can defile any piece of furniture you want.

Hey, Karen, you don't have any fax paper, do you?

Fax paper!

Turn down the Dean Martin!

Don't worry about it.

I'll go to the store tomorrow. Do you need anything?

Eggs... milk...


Okay, let's make this easier.

Is there anything you don't need?

I'll tell you what.

I'll call you from the store in the morning, okay?

What a lovely rainbow, June.

Here's a gold star for you.

Oh, drew, wow!

You know, elephants don't have wings, but I like the way you're thinking.

Hey, Evan, what did you draw?


Um... That's a lot of red.

It's blood.



That man must be a doctor making the bloody man all better?

No, he's stabbing him in the guts with a sword.

Evan, that's...

Kind of a scary picture.

Nuh-unh, it's funny.

No, honey, it's inappropriate, especially when the assignment was to make a picture that makes you happy.

This does make me happy.

Where's my gold star?

I just can't get used to everyone working...

First Bree, then Susan, now Lynette.

Thank god for you.

I just had to get out of that boring house.

So what do you gals do when you get together? Mostly gossip.

Mm. You got any good gossip?

Ooh. I heard ed Simmons got a Harley.

You know, I should get back.

Come on. Give me a break. I'm still new at this. Okay.

We'll start with something a little easier... bitching.

I can handle that. Bitch away.

Well, I am so pissed at Carlos. He is never home.

And when he is, he's too tired to do anything.

And by "anything," I mean sex.

Are you uncomfortable?

A little. Go on.

Well, we've never had a drought like this.

It's been almost two weeks.

Two weeks? And that's a drought for you?

Yeah. Lately, Carlos just doesn't want to do it.

Wrong. Guys always wanna do it.

Really? Yeah.

Even if you're tired and get home late?

Even if we're exhausted and late and been shot in the leg... Twice.

We still want to.

So you just gotta get past the tired adult to find the horny teenage boy inside.

Huh. That's good to know.

You're good at this girl talk thing.

Well, thanks.

So, um, does Lynette ever talk about me and sex?

Yeah, I should get back.

You called me down here for this?

It's a kid playing with a soccer ball.

It's a head, and he's stabbing someone with a sword.

Well, maybe it was in self-defense.

Mr. Mayer, generally, when kids exhibit this type of behavior, there's a problem.

Excuse me.

I have to take this. Sorry.


Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day.

It's not my fault. I showed this to the school psychologist.

She gave it to the principal. My hands were tied. So right away it's Evan's fault?

Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment?

I told the class to draw something that made them happy.

All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows.

Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick.

Let's cut to what this is really about.

You hate me, and you don't want my son in your class.

That is not true! It is, too!

You're still punishing me for what happened between us.

You're stuck in the past and blaming me for your screwed-up life! Okay, will someone call guinness?

Because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence. Oh, bite me!

How long was I gone?


This is nothing, Mr. Hobson.

We were just having a difference of opinion.

Yeah, and my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity. Shut up, Karl.

Excuse me. Did you just tell him to shut up?

You know, this is typical "Susan" behavior.

And you wonder why no man can stay with you.

Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for 12 years?

Yes, am I speaking to Mr. Dinsmore?

Ah, this is Bree Van De Kamp.

Yes, it's nice to talk to you, too.

Well, as I'm sure you're aware, your company has made several offers to purchase mine.

Yes, I know I said I wasn't interested, but some things have happened in my personal life and I think I'm ready to...

Finally make a deal.


Well, that's wonderful.

Why don't you, uh, come to my office tomorrow and we'll talk?

Good-bye, Mr. Dinsmore.

There you go. The rest is yours.

Thanks. I don't know what it is.

Every time I go to the market, there's stuff I forget.

I know what it is. You're old.

So where's Dave? Camping.

Ooh, camping. How fun.

Enjoying the great outdoors, getting a bunch of teenage kids on prom weekend.

Good for him.

Look, I know that you think he's some creepy psycho.

But you should know that he has had a very hard life, and there are things about him that you don't understand.

Like what?

Like he was married before, and his wife died in an accident along with their 3-year-old daughter.

Oh, Edie. Are you sure?


So if at times his behavior seems a little strange, try to remember the grief he's carrying.

You know, I lost a kid.

It does things to you.

No wonder he...

Oh, god, I wish I'd known.

Well, you do now.

So next time, try to be a little more understanding.

Of course.

You know, I could use a drink.

Come to my house and we'll crank up Dean Martin and...

Toss a few back.

Come on.


Oh, Andrew. I didn't hear you come in.

That dinsmore guy is waiting for you downstairs.

Thank you, dear.

I must say, Bree. I was surprised to get your call.

You've always said you'd never sell your company.

Bree has decided she wants more family time.

She's a very traditional woman, you know.

It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her.

Does that mean you're going to stop working altogether?

I know your fans have been hoping for a second book, uh, my wife included.

That's sweet, but I've decided to focus on other pursuits at the moment.

Mm, yes, her sole ambition now is to be Mrs. Orson Hodge.

And at the risk of sounding selfish, I'm glad I'll be the only one she's cooking for.

Were you able to look over the contracts I sent over? Oh, shoot.

I left them upstairs. Oh. Well, I'll get them.

I'll show you the offices before we start the demolition.

You're getting rid of your office?

No, we don't need it anymore, and Bree knows I've always wanted a game room.

So it's your "sole ambition" to be Mrs. Orson Hodge?


No, I-I have to ask.

Why are you letting Orson sell your company?

It was my idea.

My work has been compromising my marriage.

I didn't realize the toll it's been taking on Orson.

Okay, so he's unhappy.

Buy him some golf clubs, put him on lithium, but don't give up everything you've worked so hard for.

Andrew, do you know why my book sold so well?

Because it was authentic.

I actually believe in the old-fashioned values I wrote about.

I believe in men opening doors for ladies and children respecting their elders.

I also believe that sometimes women need to make sacrifices for their husbands.

I would be the worst kind of hypocrite if I preached these values and then didn't follow them myself.

Okay, I get it. You love Orson, and you're willing to sell your company to prove it.

What I'm wondering is, is if he loves you, why would he want you to stop doing what makes you happy?

Hey. You busy?

What is it?

I brought you a little gift.

Oh. Cute.

I thought it would be a nice addition to your collection.


I knew it was you.


You're the one who complained about me to Carlos.

I'm... not sure what you're talking about.

Oh, jeez. What, you knife me in the back, and now you're gonna play stupid?

Carlos said some people are having problems with me and that I should watch my demeanor.

And I thought to myself, who are "some people"?

And then it hit me... It's the chummy neighbor.

Okay, yes, Carlos and I spoke briefly, but I thought he blew me off. So that's your defense?

You thought your backstabbing was unsuccessful?

Well, I'll admit it's kind of flimsy, but until I got something better...

Okay, next time you have an issue with me, you know where my office is.

Oh, and, uh, as far as Friday nights are concerned...

Consider that a permanent work night.

Don't worry.

If you're as bad at coaching as you are at office politics, your daughter won't be missing much.

Found the contract.

Everything is in order.

All we need now is your signature. Mr. Dinsmore, would you mind if I speak to my husband for a moment?

Oh, yeah, please, go ahead. I'll... I'll be right outside.

What's wrong?

This is happening so fast.

Yes, a bit. But it was your idea.

Well, I have a new idea.

I'd like to wait.

Wait? But I-I need this for my recovery.

Just give me one year. That's not asking too much, is it?

You made me a promise. You need to stick to it.

Orson, think about how I built this company from nothing, how it brings me joy and pride and a sense of accomplishment.

Is that really something you want me to give up?


Mr. Dinsmore, would you come back in, please?

So are we ready?

Actually, no.

I'm not selling.

Excuse me?

Tell your wife I will be doing that second book after all.

Well, I'm... I'm sorry to hear that.


What about my problem?

I might start stealing again.

Steal what you must, my love.

But it won't be my company.

Look at him.

He's out like a light already.

That's what a long day of fishing does to you.

Yeah, well, he's gonna need all of his energy for our big hike tomorrow, right?

Actually, I don't think I'm gonna go with you guys.

My knee's been kind of bothering me.

Okay, well, then why don't we wait till the next day and see how you feel?

No, no, it's fine. I'm just gonna hang out here.

Besides, it's such a romantic hike.

You guys should do it alone.

You always have such a good attitude.

Do I? Uh-huh.

It seems like you take everything in stride, you know?

Like you just naturally find the silver lining.

Yeah, I wish it were natural.

I had to teach myself to be this way.

With some of the stuff that's happened to me, I never would've survived if I hadn't.

So what's your secret?

Oh, I realized that...

I was waiting for somebody to fix things.

But no one was going to.

It was all up to me.

I had to decide what was important and go after it.

I had to make myself happy.

Are you?


I'm gettin' there.

Why don't you get some sleep?

You got a big day tomorrow.

Come on, Lucy. Why would you agree to this meeting?

Well, we're overextended as it is.


Yeah, I'll see you at the conference room at 7:00 A.M.

Hi there.

Hey, babe.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep. I was a little hot.

That's better.

You look a little warm yourself.

Okay, I know where you're going with this. Oh, if that were true, your pants would be around your ankles right now. Gaby, what are you doing?

I'm releasing the horny teen inside of you.

Now come on. Two boobs, no waiting. Damn it, Gaby, I thought we were gonna wait till the weekend. I'm tired. Not my problem.

Actually, it is! You know, if big Carlos is tired, that pretty much rules out little Carlos, too.

Now listen up, the pair of you.

I haven't been sitting around in butt floss all night for my health. You're putting out.

Oh! Ahh!

That's more like it!

Well, I'm awake now.

In fact...

Mind if we spice it up a bit?

I forgot these were in the nightstand.

This is gonna be fun.

Mm-hmm. There. How's that?

Tight, just the way I like it. Me, too.


Good night.

Carlos, where you going?

To go grab a few hours sleep before I have to get back to work.

Carlos, get back here! Carlos!

Could you at least scratch my nose?!

Amy, that is very sweet.

I love the colors you used.

Oh, Danielle, that is just beautiful.



Evan, that is very pretty.

You did the assignment just like I asked. Good job!

That's not mine.

Annie asked me to bring hers up for her.

This one's mine.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Oh!

Don't wake him up.

I know. Ow! Come on.

I know.

What is that? Let's just go back. Let's go back.

I heard a gunshot. It sounded like a hunting rifle.

Yeah, it almost hit Katherine. You guys all right?

Yeah, I think so. Hey, this is a state park.

People aren't supposed to be hunting here. Well, I guess these guys don't care about that.

I just wanna get out of here. Please? Yeah, of course.

We'll, uh, go back and pack, and we'll leave.

Well, sorry, man.

Me, too.

Juanita! Celia! Get your coats on!

We're going to see daddy.

Let me see it. Okay, just so you know, I should be bringing this to the psychologist.

But I didn't, because this kind of "self-expression" usually gets a kid expelled. Just let me see it.

Aw, hell.

Yeah, "aw, hell."

You got a problem here, Karl.

Your son's got some serious anger issues, and you need to figure out what's going on.

I know what's going on. This is his mom.


Well, why would he draw a picture of her like this?

She left us... Six weeks ago.



I woke up one day to find her standing there with her bags packed.

She said she was overwhelmed, that she loved Evan but she wasn't cut out to be a mother.

So she just left?

So here I am, alone, raising this boy.

And it's obvious I'm not doing a very good job.

You must be loving this.


'Cause I did the exact same thing to you.



You know, I can understand why you react the way you do when you bump into me, why it bothers you.

I never really got it until just now.

I used to hope that one day, you would know what this felt like, and now that you do...

I'm so sorry.

Oh! Hey, Lynette! Hi!

Great office. I see you're busy. Don't let me disturb you.

I just wanted to drop off the girls so I could talk to Carlos for a sec.

All right, girls, have fun with aunt Lynette.

You think you can buy me off with presents? Gaby, now is not a good time.

Well, I'd say let's talk about it tonight, but who knows if you're even gonna come home?

Damn it, Gaby.

You're the one that pushed me to take this job.

And ever since I did, all you've done is complain about how hard I'm working.

You're right, and I'm sorry. It's just... I'm scared.

We're turning into what we used to be.

I'm unhappy at home, you're always working, trying to buy me off with presents, too tired to make me feel loved.

We've made these mistakes before, Carlos.

For god sakes, let's not make 'em again.

I made a commitment here, Gaby.

I don't think I can just bail.

I know you can't, and that's the part that really scares me.

We're bored.

Hey, I got you sodas, didn't I?

And I let you feed the paper shredder.

Don't you have any toys? No. I got a hole puncher.

Sorry. That's the best I could do. Come on.

What about those glass things?

They're pretty. Can I hold one?

Oh, sweetie, those aren't to play with, not unless you wanna see someone go completely bonkers.

Actually, they do look like a lot of fun.

If only I had the power to stop you...

What the hell are you doing?!

We're playing. What does it look like?

Are these your kids?

'Cause they were in my office playing with my figurines, which are imported. They're worth a lot of dinero.

Do you even understand what I'm saying?!

What's with the yelling? I don't know. I'm just as worried as you are.

Look, let me boil it down for you.

Office? Sí.

Day care? No!

Lucy, what's going on?

Apparently, some people don't understand that this is a place of business, and they need to keep their kids at home!

Then I guess you should yell at me.

These are my kids. Come here, sweetie.

Oh, jeez.

I, uh, I didn't know that.

I-I thought they were hers 'cause they're...

Could you just go?


I'm sorry.

So what if they were?

That's the way you talk to people? I said I'm sorry.

Look, I-I am trying so hard to make this deal happen.

I guess the stress is just getting to me.

It's getting all of us. Maybe it's a sign we should change the way we do things around here.

We are trying to play with the big boys, Carlos.

Now is not the time to pull back.

Don't you want this company to succeed?

I wanna build a company that treats its people well and lets them go home at night to see their families.

Look, I know I don't have the greatest beside manner.

But you hired me to take this company to number one.

Now if you don't want to do that, I'm probably not your girl.

I was just thinking the same thing.


What happened to you?

The old Carlos would do anything to be the best.

I guess I'm not the old Carlos anymore.


Don't forget your little animals!

Orson, please come upstairs.

I know what that couch does to your back.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

I know you're disappointed right now, but you have to know, I really do want to find some way for you to be happy.

So do I.

Hey, don't you want your stuff?

Oh, can I get it tomorrow? I just really want to get home.


I always wondered why you were so determined to live on Wisteria Lane.

You said you thought we'd be happy here, and I wanted to believe you.

But it turned out that you...

Just wanted to be close to Mike Delfino.

Who gave you that?

Nobody gave it to me.

I did research. You think I'm too stupid to do research?

Edie, listen. This doesn't mean anything.

It's all there... the accident, Mike's acquittal, and even a little mention of how...

David dash couldn't make it to the funeral because he had a nervous breakdown.

Honey, look.

Just give me a chance to explain.

Oh, so now you want to explain?

Okay, why don't you start by explaining why you married me?

I married you because I love you.

No! You married me because you needed a cover story so you could get close to the man who killed your family.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, it's insane.

But that's why you did it.

So what are you gonna do now?

You gonna hurt him?

I mean...

You know, that's the only...

Logical explanation.

And my only question is...

What the hell have you been waiting for?

Honey, you're not feeling well.

Let's get you upstairs into bed.

Tell me the truth, you freak.

Did you move us here to hurt Mike Delfino?

He destroyed...

Everything I ever loved, and he was never punished.

I need to make things right.


Why did you have to do this?

We could've been so happy.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna tell him before you...

Before you do something stupid. Edie, don't.

Give me that.

No! Aah!

Get out of here! Just get the hell out!

I'm calling the police! Do you hear me?



Yes, life is full of nasty shocks.

And they always seem to occur when we least expect them.

And once our system has been jolted, the question becomes, will we survive?