Desperate Housewives S5E2 Script

We're So Happy You're So Happy (2008)

Previously on...

Lives change in five years.

Some families grow, while others grow apart.

So I thought I'd bring him back Sunday around 6:00 or so. Fine.

And we find ways... It's not really a good time.

To ease the pain.

Yes, in five years...

Edie, is that really you? I have a husband now.

Many things change.

You're required to check in once a month.

It was a condition of your release.

All in all, Susan Mayer's boyfriend knew he had a lot going for him.

He was romantic...


Had a nice smile...

And was consistently thoughtful.

Yes, Jackson Braddock had many wonderful attributes.


A sense of timing wasn't one of them.



Can I help you?

I guess you could tell Susan I'm here.

Okay. Uh... Who are you?

Oh, I'm Mike... The ex-husband.


I, uh, I take it you're...


I'm, uh...

Susan's, uh...


Friend. That's right.

Wow. Could this be any more awkward?

Well, your robe's open... So yeah.


Well, you be the judge.

I don't know, man. It... it's pretty good.

Well, I got the feeling that...

Yeah, yeah.


Hey, your ex-husband is...

Mike! Uh, what's going on?

I was just returning M.J.'S video game.

He left it at my house.

Oh. Thanks. So I guess you met Jackson.

Yeah. Nice legs.

Oh, clearly this is not how I would've wanted the two of you to meet.

He's... he's really a nice guy.

Yeah, well, just to make sure, I'm gonna need to hang with him a little bit, check him out.

Oh, I don't know that that's necessary.

If he's sleeping in the same house as my son, I think it is.

Oh, well, first off, um, M.J. Was at a sleepover last night.

And, in fact, Jackson and he haven't even met, so, uh, there's really no need for you to be hanging...

Or checking.

Oh, just... tell Jackson I'll pick him up here tomorrow night.

Hey, hold on.

You don't get to just decide these things by yourself.

You remember how nice I was about our custody agreement?

I can haul you back to court tomorrow if I'm not 100% satisfied with who you expose my son to.

Got it?

Uh, I'm sorry.

It's so not how I wanted to meet your ex for the first time.

Well, when you meet him for the second time, you can tell him that.

He's picking you up here tomorrow night. What?

I'll explain over breakfast.

Did you get the paper?

And that is how Jackson Braddock realized he needed better timing...

Who are you?

And a longer robe.

If there is one thing everyone in suburbia can appreciate... Oh, hey!

It's a good neighbor.

You know, the kind that helps with the last bag of groceries...

Or brings over misplaced mail...

Or offers to mow your lawn.

Yes, everyone appreciates a good neighbor.

You are so sweet to do this.

I just know how tricky these bulbs can be.

And no one knew this better than Dave Williams, who was determined to be the best neighbor Wisteria Lane had ever seen...

Assuming, of course, his wife didn't get in the way.

What's going on?

Packing our bags.

Karen McCluskey insulted me again, and I can't put up with it anymore.

All right, what did she say to you this time?

Nothing. It doesn't matter. We are moving. Adults don't pack up and move because of some good-natured teasing.

She said that my breasts were a triumph of German engineering.

You call that good-natured?

Come on. She's a cranky old lady.

It's not just her. It's all of them.

I mean, it's been five years. I have changed.

But the people on this street don't care.

To them, I will always be a joke.

I'm sorry you had a bad day.

Please don't use your motivational voice.

I really hate that.

You're upset and you're tired.

Why don't you take a nice hot shower, and I'll make us some lunch?

Does that sound good?

I just never understood it.

We... we could've gone and lived in any city in this country.

Why did you insist on living here?

'Cause we can be happy here.

You just need to give it some time.

And I promise, I'll personally see to it that people start treating you with a little more respect.

You didn't answer my question.

Didn't I?

Carlos, we got invited to Michelle downing's party!

I'm gonna have to buy something nice to... aah!

Gaby, I'm giving a massage.

I can see that.

I can see a lot of things...

Things that can never be unseen.

Uh, sorry. I guess the towel must've rode up.

Carlos? Kitchen. Now.

I know you don't like it when I work down here, but he couldn't get up the stairs.

He's got a bum hip. He's also missing a testicle.

Carlos, how much more of this am I supposed to take?

Okay, okay, maybe I could set up my table in the garage.

No! That's only part of the problem.

Have you checked our bank balance lately?

Gaby, I am not taking the country club job.

Why not? You'd be massaging rich people.

They tip better and they tend to flake less. Yeah, but I like working here.

I get to spend lots of time with you and the kids.

Carlos, I don't need to spend lots of time with you.

And frankly, the kids are on the fence. Gaby!

Bottom line, I miss our life. I miss shopping.

All I have to look forward to is the occasional invitation to a fancy party.

And I can't even afford a dress to go to it.

Carlos, please, I am begging you. Fine. I'll... I will take the job.

Thank you.


Ah, no.

Unh-unh. Come on.

I really don't think Mike's gonna care what shirt I wear.

Well, I do.

We need a shirt that says, "I'm a responsible citizen," not "my favorite clothing store also sells bongs."

Are you dissing my sense of style?


Put this on.


Let's talk about acceptable topics of conversation.

You like sports, right?

Yeah. I'm a huge soccer fan. No, you're not.

You like football... American football.

Specifically the colts. Okay.

And here are some other things you can talk about...

Cars, barbecue, fishing.

How about fire? Mike like talk fire?

Jackson, please take this seriously.

I am. I'm just... I'm not gonna pretend to be somebody I'm not.

If he doesn't like me, what's he gonna do?

He could take me to court, and the judge can make me choose between you and my son.

And I'm sorry. You will lose.

Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback who ever lived.

Thank you.

Now go shave. You look like a hobo.


Got a sec?

Not really.

So I assume you know about what happened to Jimmy Conrado.

I guess.

Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school, and all you have to say is, "I guess"?

He's not my friend. What are you talking about?

You were on the same little league team.

Yeah, like a million years ago. Anything else?


Not really.



Can I ask you something, just between us?

Does Porter hang out with Jimmy Conrado?

I don't know. I could check out his friends list on silverfizz. His what on what?

It's like MySpace. You have a web page.

It shows your hobbies, your favorite music, and you can talk to people.

Really? Can anyone talk to him?

Yeah. He just has to invite you.

And, uh...

How would somebody make that happen?

Now it's just a mock-up, but this is what the book is going to look like.

Mom, that's fantastic.

Good call on the font.

Thank you, dear.

Orson, what do you think?

Well, I think it's strange to see my wife billed as "Mrs. Van De Kamp."

Well, you knew what the book was gonna be called. Yes, but it's different actually seeing it.

I mean, is it too late to go with "Mrs. Hodge"?

My company, which I formed when we were separated, is called Mrs. Van De Kamp's catering.

It's how I'm known. Oh, in Fairview.

But this book will be national.

I mean, it's your chance to rebrand yourself.

Is there something wrong with "Hodge"?

I think I just heard the milk go bad. I should check.

Orson, I adore you, but your name... our name... It has no music.

"Van De Kamp" trips off the tongue.

"Hodge" sounds like the noise a plunger makes.

That's preposterous.


Van De Kamp.


Also, she's got a radio interview Wednesday, and they're already promoting her as Mrs. Van De Kamp.

See? The ship has already sailed.

Oh, don't be hurt. It's my professional name.

In this house, I will always be Mrs. Hodge.

Now... would it help if Mrs. Hodge cooked you your favorite pot roast tonight?

Yes, I guess it would help.

Uh, meeting with your publicist?

Oh, right. Um, tomorrow for sure, then.

Van De Kamp. Hmm.


Here you go. Oh, thank you.

Toby, get off my chair. You know better.

So what's on your mind?

It's Edie.

You said something to her yesterday that hurt her feelings.

That thing about her breasts? Come on. That was a joke.

Perhaps, but it upset her so much that she suggested we leave Wisteria Lane.

I can't have that, Mrs. M.

Hey, this is what Edie and I do. We tease each other.

I say she's easier to get into than community college.

She says my face looks like a knee.

It's fun.

Still... I would consider it a personal favor if you'd apologize to her.

You know, make her feel accepted and loved.



If Edie wants to change the way we talk to each other, she's gotta ask me personally.

And I think you've got a lot of gall making me feel like I did something wrong when you don't even know me.

Oh... I know you, better than you think.

Oh, really?

For starters, you talk to your cat like it's a person.

When I knocked on your door, you immediately invited me in.

Doesn't take a genius to see that you're lonely.

I'm thinking you had people in your life at one time...

People who cared about you.

But something happened to them.

Some probably died. The rest, well...

They just don't come around much anymore.

Why do you think that is?

I know you, Mrs. McCluskey.

And it seems to me that a woman like you would like to keep the few friends that she has left.

I think you'd better go.


Thanks for tonight.

And, uh, before I forget, the colts suck.

Oh, here's what sucks... Watching a zero-zero game with no cheerleaders, soccer boy.


You guys were insulting each other. That's good, right? Yeah, we had a blast.

Really? Yeah.

In fact, we're getting together Wednesday night at O'Brien's, which he claims has the best bacon potato skins in town.

Potato skins at O'Brien's? You've made his inner circle!

This is fantastic! Thank you. Mmm. Mmm.

Ah, you can think of a more creative way to thank me than that.








Yeah. Mmm.

Oh, wow.

You've never done that before.


You've never done that before. Why are you doing that now?

I don't know. Don't you like it?

Yeah. But how did you know I would like it?

Oh, my god.


Mike told you about the ear thing, didn't he?


So you just happened to stumble across my secret turn-on the same night that you and Mike became B.F.F.S?

But aren't we losing sight of the fact that you like it?

This is... I mean, I'm just...

I have been violated.

Oh, honey, come on...

Don't touch me! Or my ears! My ears are dead to you.

It just slipped out. We were talking about how girls...

They... they all like different things, right?

And I-I was talking about this girl in high school, how she liked to do it with her shoes on, and... and Mike talked about the lobe nibble. He has a name for it?


That's it. You and Mike are not hanging out anymore.

And this little Wednesday "potato skins and Susan sex tips night"?

I forbid it.

Did Mike mention he likes having his toes sucked?

Oops! That just slipped out. Hmm.


Bree! What's up?

Well, um, Michelle downing asked me to speak to you.

I don't know if you heard, but I'm catering her birthday party... I heard. I can't wait. Ooh, I was gonna ask you.

Should I wear the Navy blue Chanel or the red sleeveless dress? You can't come.


I just had to rip the band-aid off.

What? She's disinviting me?

It's not personal.

You know how Carlos just started at the club?

Well, her guests are all members, and she thinks they might find it awkward socializing with...


She called us "staff"?

Oh, Gaby, it's just one party. I'll save you some cake.

No! It's not just one party!

It's the kickoff to the whole social season.

If people see we're off Michelle's list, then we'll be off everyone's.

And then it's gonna be the start of our slow slide from gowns and galas to flip-flops and keggers!

Okay, if Carlos working at the club is the problem, then tell her he just quit.

Oh, hon, I don't think that's gonna fly.

He's already rubbed too many members.

What's happened to my life?

We used to have help. Now we are the help!



What are you doing?

I am just...

Talking to Porter on silverfizz.

Who is Saraj from MacArthur high school?


I'm 16 and cute.

I like graphic novels and Tokyo police club. Oh, my god.

You... you're pretending to be somebody else?

Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs.

I really think the end justifies the means here.

Okay, we'll address your major ethical breach in a moment.

What did you find out? Well, the good news is he really doesn't hang out with Jimmy Conrado.

But I am a little worried about anita47, who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphrodisiac.


Okay, great, you know who he hangs around with now.

You got what you came for. Time to stop.

You're probably right. It's just...

Did you know Porter writes poetry?

Serious? Yeah.

Our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this...

Beautiful, heart-wrenching poetry.

Maybe one day he'll share it with you instead of your fantasy alter ego.

Until then, shut it off.

Okay, okay.

You're right.

You're right.

Oh, really?

Aw. That's sweet.

Still talking to poetry girl?

Bite me.

Dude, she didn't put up her photo.

5 bucks says she looks like she came out of an egg.



Toby! Where are you?


Everything all right, Mrs. M.?

It's Toby. I can't find him.

Oh, no. How did he get out?

The living room window was open, which is bizarre because I don't remember opening it.

Can you help me find him?

Have you given any more thought about apologizing to Edie?

She's still pretty down in the dumps.

I've kind of been busy.

Of course you have. It's just that...

Well, since I'm about to help you find your cat, it sure would be nice if you could help me out with Edie.

Doesn't that seem fair to you?

I guess.


Thank you.

Okay. Toby!

Toby! Come here, boy!


So they'll finish with the news, do a quick traffic update, and then we're on the air. Uh, do you need anything?

No, I'm good. How do I look?

We're on the radio.

Oh. I'm a little bit nervous.

This is my first national interview.

And I am a huge fan of your cookbooks.

Well, I've heard good things about you.

I understand you're catering Michelle downing's birthday dinner tonight.

Oh, you know Michelle? Yes, and I'll be there.

I can't wait to see what you dish up.

Okay, now I'm terrified.

♪♪♪ Here we go.

Good afternoon.

I'm Linda Flanagan, and this is "gourmet americana."

If you've been to Fairview's best parties, then you've probably tasted the mouthwatering food dished up by my first guest, Bree Van De Kamp.

Now she's about to publish her first book, "Mrs. Van De Kamp's old-fashioned cooking."

Welcome, Bree.

Hi, Linda.

Tell me. Why "old-fashioned"?

Well, I think a lot of people miss the way life used to be...

Back when women had more time to cook.

It's always been important to me to have the family gather around the table every night for hot, lovingly prepared meals.

So you're a traditional kinda gal.

Is there a Mr. Van De Kamp?


Uh, Mr. Van De Kamp is deceased. Oh.

But in regards to my husband, I should make one thing very clear...

His passing had nothing to do with my cooking.


Is that my yeats book? I love his poetry.

Yeah. I'm borrowing it for school.


This is the kind of poetry that melts a girl's heart.

So romantic.

Oh! Here's a great one...

"the lover tells of the Rose in his heart."

My first boyfriend gave me this poem.

I was a junior in... mom, I'm... I'm running late. Can I have the book back?

Oh. Sorry.


Katherine, it is not too late to change tonight's menu.

If Linda Flanagan likes my food, she might give me a quote for the book jacket.

I have to knock her socks off, and I am not betting the farm on haddock.

Argue with me all you like.

I just bought 40 pounds of pork, so get your tushie over here.

Orson! Did you get my message about Linda Flanagan?

Yes, I heard.

Isn't it amazing?

Mm. Almost as amazing as my on-air death notice.


"So, Bree, do you have a husband?"

"Nope. Used to. He croaked." She didn't ask if I had a husband.

She asked if there was a Mr. Van De Kamp, and there's clearly not. Well, there's a Mr. Hodge.

Would it have killed you to have mentioned me?

And waste valuable airtime?

The show was about my cookbook, not about my tortured marital history.

That's not what this is about.

It's because I went to jail, isn't it?

Orson, I have 6 hours to prepare a meal for 80 people.

We're not having this discussion now.

Just admit it. You're ashamed of me.

Should I be proud?

Do you want me to go on the radio and boast that my husband served time for running someone over?

I went to jail because you told me it was the only way you'd take me back.

And because it was the right thing to do.

I just didn't know then that I would be a public figure someday.

But I am. I have a name now.

And luckily for you, it's not mine.

Orson, please don't be hurt.

I am under so much pressure and so terrified I'll fail that I don't even know what I'm saying half the time.

Just let me get through this.

As soon as the plates go out tonight, I will come home and cook you that pot roast I promised.


Okay. Hmm.

It's just that... I...

Chives! How could I forget chives?

Hey, Susan, it's me.

Listen, I'm not gonna be able to make dinner tonight.

My college roommate's in town, and this is the only night we can get together.

Oh. Is his name Mike Delfino?

Did you room together at liars' college?

Um, I know it's last-minute, and I'm really sorry, but I still wanna see you.

So how about I drop by later? Call me if that's a problem.

Yeah, you'll drop by later...

With potato skins on your breath, you miserable two-timer!

What's wrong, mom?


Just, the answering machine lied to mommy.

Oh, crap on things.

Crap on what things?


Porter sent me a sex poem.

What? Why?

He may be in love with me.

Why would he be in love with you?

Okay... Remember how you told me I should stop talking to him online?

Well, of course, I didn't, and I sort of told him I liked his poetry.

You told a teenage boy that you liked his poetry?

Jeez, Lynette! Why not just flash him a boob?

Shh! He'll hear you. So what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna tell him the truth now, or are you gonna wait until after he kills me and blinds himself?

Calm down. I'm gonna break it off in an e-mail.

Oh, great. Just like that? That'll kill him.

I know that you have only been on the receiving end of break-up letters, but I've actually written a few, and I know how to let him down easy.

"Dear Porter, "I really like you, but I wanna see other offspring."

Go away.

You know, I'm kinda surprised we still made Michelle's list this year, what with me working at the club.

Oh, don't be silly, Carlos. We're still on everyone's list.

Now let's go. Okay.

Gaby, are we in the banquet hall?

What's all the noise? Oh, it's just the caterers putting glasses and silverware on the tables.

They make some racket, huh?

But the decorations are stunning.

Especially that waterfall effect.

Gaby? Bree!

Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?

Don't move, honey. The press is taking your photo.

What are you doing here? You were disinvited. I got it all figured out.

We duck inside, make sure we're seen by all the right people...

Except Mrs. Downing...

And then after about 20 minutes, we cut out.

Well, I know nothing. Just keep me out of it.

What is Carlos doing?

Where is he? Where is who?

Like you don't know... Jackson.

Well, he's not here.

Really? Whose is this?

I... d... I don't know. Some guy's.

"I... I don't know"?

Well, I hope that "some guy" doesn't mind this.

No, Susan, really, I wouldn't...

Lady, what are you doing to my beer?

We're not married anymore, so I don't have to protect you.

I am... so sorry.


Um... could you just...

Please take good care of my friend?

Jackson canceled on me.

He said you weren't comfortable with us hanging out.

He said that? And I think I said, "meow."

I am such a jackass.

So why don't you want us hanging out?

Well, I was pretty ticked off that you told Jackson about the ear thing.

Oh, god. The second I said that, I wished I hadn't.

I-I'm really sorry.

Apology accepted.

So if I promise to behave, can we still hang out?

'Cause I really think it'd be good for M.J., just seeing that we're all friends.

I don't...


I'm just not comfortable with you and Jackson getting that close.


It's just...

I don't want him to see me through your eyes.

How exactly do you think I see you?

Well, those last few months we were together, I...

The things I said to you, the way I acted...

I mean, I'm not proud of the person I became.

That was a bad time, Susan.

We're not those people anymore.

And if you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd know you got nothing to worry about.

Could you please take care of this guy?

He's my friend, too.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Where you been?

Out, uh, doing some thinking.

And I've decided that I may have gone a little overboard about you and Mike.

In fact, I think it's cool if you wanna hang out with my ex.

Hey, Susie q.!

Just shakin' the dew off the Lily.

And speaking of, that paint job in the guest can is nice. Kudos.

What are you doing here?

Well, Julie needed me to cosign some insurance stuff for her, and I guess I lost track of time talking to crunchy granola here.

Plumber to housepainter in one move, Susie?

Don't get dizzy climbin' that social ladder.

Can you leave, please? Just think...

If I'd been a roofer, we might still be together. Sigh. Get out.

See ya around, hacky sack.

So... any more exes I should know about?

Don't you just love Michelle's parties?

Oh, they are fun. Mm-hmm.

But I enjoy my intimate lunches with Michelle even more.

We have intimate lunches. We're friends. Well, you simply must come to the charity auction at Ted's gallery next weekend.

Really? We'd love to.


Well, it's the caterer!

Everything is fabulous.

But would you be a dear and get me some more wine? I would be happy to.

I just want to make sure it's the kind you like.

You're still here?

Dinner is about to be served. Whose seats are you in? The bowmans.

I found out Mrs. Bowman is home with the flu. Score!

Oh, will you unclench? It'll be fine.

No, no, no, no, no. These are my seats. This is my mother.

That was Mr. Bowman, wasn't it?

Yes, and I'm pretty sure that elderly woman with him was his mother!

What kind of man leaves his sick wife at home to go party with mommy?! You can fix this. Just tell them that you're at the wrong table and then slip out the side door. Right.

Yes, sir, he has absolutely no... that was the maître d', wasn't it?

Yes, and he appears to be checking the guest list. Which we're not on.

Okay, you can fix this.

Just explain you're going to a different party here at the club and that you got confused.

Mrs. Downing never has to know. Right.

You need to leave! Out.

That's Mrs. Downing. How am I gonna fix this?

At this point, I would just run off screaming into the night.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Get your hands off me.

Gaby! Gaby!

Poor blind bastard.

I'll meet him outside.

What? Hi, Edie.

I just wanted to say I feel awful about what I said to you.

You know, that crack I made the other day?


That's nice of you.

Are you all right?

Actually, no. My cat's missing.

Toby? Mm-hmm.

Since when? It's been two days, and he's never been out this long.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah. Well...

Could you tell Dave...

Tell him I apologized? And, uh, you and I are good, huh?

I guess I could. Why do you want him...

Oh, just tell him, please.

I cannot believe you pulled a stunt like that.


I was just trying to salvage what's left of our social life.

Now just let it go and start thinking about where we're gonna move.

This is not a joke, Gaby. I work with these people.

I have to show my face tomorrow. It's humiliating.

You wanna know what's humiliating?

Waking up one day and finding out you're invisible.

Now it's official. I've lost everything.


First our money, then my figure, now the last shreds of our social standing.

We haven't lost a thing except the chance to hobnob with a bunch of unhappy snobs.

What do you mean, they're unhappy?

They're rich! They have jewels and cooks.

They use "winter" as a verb.

I rub them, Gaby, and there is nothing that a blind masseur doesn't hear about.

Trust me.

They are every bit as miserable as I was when I was out there chasing that stuff.

We have lost nothing that matters.

We have a home, we have each other, we have work that supports us, and we have two beautiful little girls that...

Love us more than ice cream.

I've never been happier in my life.

Are you serious?

Yes, and the only thing that would make me happier is for you to realize how good we've got it.

"I have never talked to such a wonderful guy, but I should've told you I'm already seeing somebody..."

Blah, blah, blah...

"Continue to trust your heart, and your dreams will follow."

Wow, Lynette.

Best dear John letter ever.

Uh... thanks.

Except you might wanna change that part where you signed it "love, mom." What? No I didn't.

Yeah, you did...

Right there.

You sent it?!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Why didn't you say something?! I did!

You said it was great. Way to Bury the lead, Tom!

Tom, don't you dare! Hey, one of needs to live to take care of the other one.


Oh, god.


Mind if I join you?

Okay, I know what I did...

Was unforgivable.

And I am not trying to make excuses, but...

We used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me.

I felt like I lost you.

And then I was saraj, and I had you back, and we were talking again, and you were telling me things.

I wasn't telling you anything.

I was telling her.


Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations, and I'm... Going to miss them.

Me, too.

Orson, you're still up.

Oh, I wish you could've been there.

Linda Flanagan loved my food.

She said I was "god's gift to the table" and that I could quote her on the book jacket.

Are you all right?

I'm hungry.

It's after midnight. Haven't you eaten?

I was waiting for you. You said you'd make me pot roast.

I am so sorry. I-I lost all track of time, and Linda had so many questions about the food.

I'll make you that pot roast tomorrow, okay? No.

I want it now.


You promised.

Orson, I've been cooking all day.

I... I'm so tired, I can barely stand up.

You really want me to make you a pot roast now?

You promised.


Where in the world did you come from, huh?

Yes, everyone appreciates a good neighbor...

You know, the kind that helps you with the groceries...

But doesn't ask, "why is your son so moody?"

The type that delivers misplaced mail but doesn't point out your wife seems discontented...

The sort that offers to mow your lawn...

But doesn't mention your husband seems cold.

But if you're not sure the man next door is as nice as he would have you believe...

Now why would you bring me flowers?

'Cause you've got a computer, and I need to find out some stuff about Edie's husband.

Do everything you can to get to know him better.