Desperate Housewives S5E21 Script

Bargaining (2009)

Previously on...

Does this relationship have a future? Can't we just keep going the way we are? Jackson left.

Orson's lying to me again. Bree made a decision.

So I think I have to divorce him. Karl signed up.

Karl, what are you doing here?

Well, I just enrolled Evan.


And Susan confessed. Mike and I got in a car accident.

Mike was driving, right? That's what we said, but it wasn't true. He took the blame for me.

On this street, the bargaining begins at sunrise...

An old woman offers a paperboy a generous tip if he'll throw the paper onto her porch...

A wife tells her husband she'll make his favorite dinner if he'll bring home roses...

A man tells his neighbor he'll take in his garbage cans the day she finally mows her lawn.

Yes, on Wisteria Lane, everyone knows how to bargain...

Absolutely everyone.

I don't want oatmeal. Can I have pancakes?

Katherine's not a short order cook, buddy.

If she made oatmeal for breakfast, we're having oatmeal.

I tell you what, M.J. If you finish just half of it, I will make candied apples for your sleepover.

I love candy apples. She's letting you off easy. You should thank her.

Thank you, Katherine.

You are so welcome, you sweet thing.

Dad, are you gonna marry Katherine?


That's, um...

I don't know.

Why not?

Oh, well, oh, because we haven't talked about marriage.

Why not?

M.j., you're being rude.

Oh, I'm not offended.

Don't you wanna marry Katherine?


I love her.

She's absolutely fantastic.

So why don't you marry her?

Can you help me out here?

Are you kidding?

Buddy, um, when it comes to marriage, the truth is...

Wow. Would you look at the time? I'm late for work.

We're gonna have to talk about this later.


You got that right.

How'd I do?

You were great.

But he didn't answer me.

Doesn't matter. Issue's on the table.

Yes, on this street, the negotiating begins at sunrise, and it doesn't end...

Here's the ice cream I promised you.

Until someone gets exactly what they want.

Walter Bergen was a divorce lawyer, and the women who hired him always had something to say about the men they were divorcing.

He's always talking to his grandmother, who died six years ago.

He spends all his money on hookers, who may or may not be women.

He says he needs more money for the children, and by "children,"

I mean racehorses.

Yes, Walter Bergen thought he had heard it all until the day when one of his clients actually said...

My husband is a decent man, and I want to do right by him.


Women who seek my services rarely take that attitude.

Well, I like to think of myself as a good person.

I'm sure you are.

And I wouldn't worry about your husband.

The income he'll derive from his half of the catering business alone should...

Wait. I'm not planning on giving him half.

It's my business.

Which you started after you were married.

That entitles him to half.

I-I may have overstated things when I described my husband as a decent man.

He actually has a wide variety of psychological problems.

Mrs. Hodge, it's state law. What do you want me to say?

I want you to say that for $300 an hour, you have some lawyer tricks up your sleeve to help me protect my business.

Surely you're not asking me to do something criminal?

Mrs. Hodge, didn't you say you like to think of yourself as a good person?

Well, clearly, I like to think of myself as a rich person even more.

Oh! Full house.

Bree takes the high. Gaby gets the low. Split the pot.

Oh, I hate splitting the pot.

Well, that's the rule. There's nothing you can do about it.

So stop bitching. Well, you can't talk to me like that.

I am the wife of Fairview's latino businessman of the year.

Hey! So he finally won?

Yeah. There's gonna be a huge dinner, and we're taking a picture with the mayor and his wife.

Oh, not necessarily. I hear they're getting divorced, and it's gonna get ugly. Really? How do you know?

The wife hired the sleaziest, most unethical divorce lawyer in town.

Oh. Who... who's that?

My ex-husband.

Oh, right. Karl's a divorce lawyer.

Yeah, and a total shark.

The worst thing about our divorce was that I couldn't hire him to represent me.

But I thought you just split everything done the middle. Oh, not with Karl.

By the time he's done finding loopholes and hiding assets, there's nothing left to split.

You don't say.

Hey, ladies.

Uh, Lynette, ahem.

It's getting kinda late.

Are you kicking us out, Tom? Uh, no. No, just reminding Lynette that it's, uh, ten minutes till midnight, which means ten minutes till tomorrow.

I got it. I'll be right up.

What was that about?

Tom and I are reading this book that suggests couples make a pact to have sex every night for a month.

Let me guess. Written by a guy? Was his name Carlos Solis?

We've been having some problems, so the theory is it creates intimacy and brings you closer.

Is it working?

I've gotta say it is.

You become more attuned to each other's needs and more sensitive to... Lynette!

Jeez! Two seconds!

We... we should go. No, we're in our third week. We got this down to a science.

Just deal me out a few hands.

Juanita, hurry up. The bus will be here any minute.

Be right down!

There's an extra piece of cinnamon toast on the table.

Not hungry. Bye!

Susan? It's Dave.

Hey, remember I was telling you about my buddy that owns that boat on bass lake?

Yeah, well, he's not using it this weekend, so I thought maybe I'd take you and M.J. Fishing.

Yeah, I know it's short notice, but I really wanted to do something to thank you.

You've been so good to me since Edie died.

Plus I know M.J. Would love it.

Great. I'm really looking forward to it.



Oh, hi, principal Hardy. What's up?

She's wearing what?

Now march in there and wipe that stuff off!

You don't have to yell. Yes, I do. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was for me to get that call today?

Now every parent in town is gonna think that I let my 6-year-old wear makeup to school!

And I want my makeup back.

Is it in here?

Why do you have this?


I was trying to look like you.


Some girls at school saw you pick me up yesterday and told me I must be adopted.

They said I wasn't pretty enough to be your daughter.

How's it feeling, Mrs. McCluskey?

I-It's really throbbing. Oh, please hurry.


Hi there.

Jackson, hey. You're back.

I needed to talk to you.

Why didn't you call?

I wanted to surprise you.

Well, you did.


Oh, uh, right.

Jackson, you remember Mrs. McCluskey, don't you?

Sure. How are you, Mrs. McCluskey?

Oh, I'm in agonizing pain. Thanks for asking.

I'm taking her to the doctor so he can perform a little procedure.

He's gonna Lance a boil on my backside.

It may rupture any second.


I just had my car detailed, so I should probably go.

No problem.

Uh, when can I see you?


How about dinner tomorrow night?

Sounds great.

If you two want to keep staring at each other, I can just go lay down on the lawn and die.

I don't mind.

I'll see you tomorrow.


Hey, Mike. Heard M.J.'S having a sleepover.

I thought I'd hit you up for an invitation.

Aren't you a little old for sleepovers?

Cards on the table. I need your help.

Evan's one of the only boys in class who wasn't invited, and he's really upset.

Okay, cards on the table. M.J. Says Evan's a bully, and he doesn't want him at his sleepover.

Well, what if I promise Evan will be on his best behavior?

I'm sorry. It's out of my hands. M.J. Finalized his guest list.

Well, I think if you check that list again, you'll notice Evan's name's on there.

I'm M.J.'S dad, not his bouncer.



Hey, honey. How's your day going?

Very exciting. Just got back from the grocery store.

It is double coupon day, sorta like the oscars and the super bowl all rolled into one.

Did you remember to get my, um...

My special deodorant?

I sure did.

Milady's armpits will be aluminum-free.

How is your day? I'm totally slammed, which is why I'm calling.

It looks like I'm gonna be here late tonight, and by "late," I mean past midnight.

Wait. W-What about our pact?

We'll... double up tomorrow. Lynette, I have been looking forward to this all day.

I know, and I'm really sorry. Listen, I gotta go.

I will call you later. I love you. Bye.

Tom. What are you doing here? Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

Well, then what are you doing...


Oh, no.

Are you crazy?

Crazy about you, baby.

But I have so much to do, and I'm not gonna be done till 2:00 A.M.

Possibly 3:00.

Whoo! Come on. This is important. Remember what the book said?

Every night, no matter what.

No, this is a really bad time for me.


Well, you did buy me that deodorant. Ooh!



Lynette, I have Carlos on line two.

Uh, tell him I'll call right back.


He says it's really important.


Hey, Lynette. I'm over here at capital consultants, and the guys have a question.

I need you to pull up their account. Now? I'm kind of busy!

Well, the ad has to be at the printer's by noon, so yeah, now. Mwah. Mmm.




What's going on? You all right?

Sorry. Just had the handyman in here, but he's finished.

Thank you, handyman.

You're welcome, ma'am.

So... Carlos...

Where were we?

Could I get you something? No, thanks, I don't drink.

Oh, that's right.

Glug glug. I remember now.

I'm bringing you business, Karl. Try not to insult me.


So you want to divorce Orson.

Yes, I know that comes as a surprise.

Not really. I've met him.

The guy's a stiff.

Karl, if we move forward, I will insist you handle our divorce with dignity.

Are you sure?

I don't know of a dignified way to screw a spouse out of money that they, by law, are entitled to.

That is why you're hiring me, right?

I just want to protect what is rightfully mine.

Can you help me?



I'll make out a check. Yeah, not so fast.

Uh, I said I could do it, not that I would.

I need a favor.

Well, what kind of a favor?

M.j. Delfino is having a sleepover at his house in two days.

My son wasn't invited. Now his feelings are hurt.


So I want you to get my son into that sleepover.

How would I go about doing that?

Gosh, I don't know.

How would I go about hiding your assets from Orson?

I need your help, Karl. I really do, but I am not comfortable manipulating a 6-year-old.

Mm-hmm. You know, I had this one client...

His wife had been with him since junior high.

She supported him through med school, gave him three kids and the best years of her life.

Once I had done my particular brand of legal magic, he ended up with 90% of the money, and she ended up in a studio apartment...

With a roommate.

Then again...

M.j. Does...

Love my macaroons.

Sweetie, don't listen to those kids. They're idiots.

You are a gorgeous little girl. You have to say that. You're my dad.

No, it's the truth. You are naturally beautiful.

Makeup just covers that up. He's right, sweetie. You don't need all that gunk on your face.

Then why do you wear it? Because I'm an adult.

And besides, I hardly wear any.

Come on, Gaby. Let's try to keep this real.

Are you gonna wear makeup when daddy gets his big award?

Well, it's a big, fancy dinner. Of course.

But that's not fair. Sweetie, you're 6.

There's a lot of things I can do that you don't.

So you get to look pretty at daddy's party, and I have to look like this?

Hey, I have a great idea. Okay, see? Your daddy's got a great idea.

How about if neither one of you wears makeup to the dinner?


No, no, no. Your daddy's just being silly.

Can I talk to you for a second, silly daddy?

Are you a lunatic? I am not walking into a ballroom full of people without my face on. Come on. This is the perfect opportunity to teach her that beauty's only skin deep.

Yeah, well, once you see this skin without foundation, you may want to rethink that. Gaby, your daughter is in pain. And don't you love her enough to put your vanity aside for one night?

I was in labor for 20 hours. She still owes me for that!


I will make the ultimate sacrifice, and I will be ugly for my daughter.

But if she ever needs a kidney...

Wow. You're really going all out on this sleepover.

Although I'm not sure that tons of sugar and whistles are a good combination.

Oh, good point.

I'll make us some goody bags filled with earplugs and vodka.

It's great. I'm sure M.J. Will appreciate it.

I'm sure he will.

He's a great kid...

And funny.

That was hilarious the other day, when he asked us when we're getting married. I'm glad you thought it was funny.

I was tap-dancing my ass off.

No, you were great.


Someday you'll probably have to answer the question.

I'm sure he's forgotten by now. You know kids.

Kids are like that.

Grown-ups on the other hand...

Not so much.

We're not talking about M.J. Anymore, are we?

Oh, you want to go run and get your tap shoes?

No. No. I'll be completely honest here.

Moving in with you is one of the best decisions I ever made.

You make me really, really happy.


I've been married before, and I just don't see myself getting married again.


Probably not what you wanted to hear.

I wanted the truth.

It's not your fault the truth sucks.

So could you get the streamers out of the car?


Oh, by the way, for what it's worth, I do love you.

I've only been working there two months, but I love it.

And the kids are so cute.

And I get to see M.J. During the day, which is nice.

Uh, you know, uh, for a guy that just had to see me so bad, you... you seem awfully far away.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a little nervous.

I have something...

To ask you, and I don't know how you're gonna react.

What is it?


This is gonna come out of nowhere, but...

I want you to marry me.

A-And here's how I came to this. The other day...

What are you doing?

I have to go upstairs.


Susan, are you okay?

I'm fine. I just didn't want you to see me crying.

Honey, you didn't let me finish.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just, um, all these months, I've been telling myself that I didn't really care about you, which was easy to do because you left so suddenly.

But I am so lonely.

And as much as I tell myself that I like being the strong, single woman on her own, the truth is, I think about you all the time.

And I wanted to call you, but I thought you'd gotten over me.

And to hear that you still love me...

That is just something that I really needed to hear right now.

And I want you to know...

Oh, god. I want you to know I love you, too.


I love you.


Oh, god.

I really wish you'd let me finish.

Finish what?

Susan, I need you to marry me so that immigration doesn't deport me back to Canada.

And the one thing I didn't tell you is that I'm here on a student visa that expired six years ago, and I got a call from the authorities, so unless I can find somebody that will marry me, I'm gonna be in really big trouble.


Susan, did you hear me?

I heard.


What do you say?

Okay. Okay, it was a bad idea.

Get out or I will kick your ass back to the Canadian border!


Took a shower, brushed my teeth.

We are good to go.



What are you doing?

You know, the pact.


Didn't we already do it tonight?


Oh, they're all starting to blur.

Look, I worked till 3:00 A.M. last night.

I'm exhausted. How about we take a rain check?

A rain check? Mm.

This isn't baseball.

Every night for 30 days... That's the law.

Tom, I have a 7:00 A.M. meeting.

How about I take a long lunch, and you do me twice at work tomorrow?

Come on.

This is important.



We'll have sex.

But can you make it quick?

Lynette, please.

You can't rush an artist.



Morning. Oh, sorry. I don't have time for breakfast.

Good. I didn't make you any.

Oh, okay. Uh, coffee will be fine.

Beans are right there. Grab a handful and grind.

Is there a problem?

You don't remember?

Last night, we were having sex?

You fell asleep?




Was it good?

I didn't finish.

God, you ruined our streak, Lynette.

I'm sorry. I was exhausted.

It's not like I was asking you to scrub a floor.

All you had to do was lie there, like you usually do.

Oh, okay. I'm gonna let that one go, 'cause you're upset.

Well, it's true.

With you being so tired from work lately, I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting.

Tom, you're being completely irrational.

We've had sex 23 days straight.

I've seen more ceiling than Michelangelo. We made a commitment, Lynette. The book says...

Oh, would you stop with the book?

You bought it at a car wash along with a pack of gum and an air freshener. You're right. It's stupid. All my ideas are stupid.

I should just stick to doing chores. Don't just walk away.

You better get to work, Lynette. You're gonna be late.

Hey. Haven't seen you boys in a while.

There's been a break in the club fire case, Mr. Williams.

You got a minute?

Do you know this guy?

No. Who is he?

Dr. Samuel Heller, psychiatrist from Boston.

He's the guy who burned up in the fire.

What's a shrink from Boston doing in Fairview?

No idea, but we'd like to find out if anyone knows him or what he was doing there.

Did you see him backstage? No, I didn't see anybody.

Except Porter Scavo.

Yeah, but I told you. That was a mistake.

Do you know a guy named Jackson braddock?

He was backstage. Was he?

Yeah, he got locked in the employee men's room right before the fire started. Well, I don't know anything about that.

Have you talked to him? We've been trying, but he left town, and we've been unable to find him.

That's a shame. We'll figure it out. Thanks for your time.

You bet.

Hey, Susan. It's Dave.

You know, I was thinking I'd pick up you and M.J.

Around 6:00 A.M. Saturday for the trip.

Yeah. I figured the earlier we get going, the better.


Well, hello there, M.J.

I was baking this morning, and like an idiot, I made too many macaroons.

Would you be willing to take one?

I would hate to see them go to waste. Macaroons are my favorite.

Oh, really? What a delightful coincidence.

You know, I could bake these for you every week, and all I'd need in return is just the tiniest of favors.

What kind of favor?

Invite Evan Mayer to your sleepover.

I don't like Evan. He's mean.

Oh, no.

Deep down, he's just a fragile little boy who wants to be liked.

He hit me with a dead squirrel.

Now, M.J., we can find faults with all our friends if we nitpick.

What do you say? Will you invite him?

Would you like some ice cream with your macaroons?

Because I could make that happen.


I'm late for my golf game.

I don't have time to go to the a.T.M., so I took the cash out of your wallet.


M.j., there's someone in my life who hits me with a dead squirrel every single day.

And you are the only one who can help me.

Please, please invite Evan to your party.


Thank you.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Boy, the stuff I do for macaroons.

Go away! I-I don't want to talk to you.

Come on. Let me in.

Thanks, but I've reached my maximum allowance for humiliation this week.

Listen, I'm sorry you thought it was a real proposal.

I thought you knew I'd moved on.

Maximum allowance exceeded.

What do you want?

I wanted to apologize. You have every right to be mad at me.

Oh, I'm not mad at you.

You know, I'm just disappointed in myself.

I was a little lonely and a little afraid and... I just did what I always do...

Let some silly romantic fantasy take over.

I didn't know you still felt that way about me.

I don't.

This isn't about you.

Not really.

And besides, you moved on.

Well, I had to.

You pushed me away.

I had to... heal my heart and get over it.

This... I mean, this is really the only thing you can do to stay here and do your work?


I'll help you.



I'll do it. But that's it.

No love, no sex, just...


No sex?

You want people to think this is a real marriage, don't you?

Gaby, come on.

For god sakes, will you take those off? It's 8:00 at night.

Oh, fine. As long as you don't mind people thinking you're out on the town with your anemic lesbian sister.

There's our man of honor.

Gaby, this is Stephanie.

She put this whole banquet together. Hi. Nice to meet you.

You're probably wondering why I look like this. Excuse me?

I'm not ill. I'm just not wearing any makeup so I can teach my daughter that beauty's what's on the inside.

I don't actually look this hideous.


Will you please stop explaining yourself?

I mean, it was bad enough when you did it with the valet. I can't help it.

I don't want people thinking I condone this face.

I'm gonna go find our table.


Oh, thank you.

I'm not ill. I'm just not wearing any makeup. Gaby!

Gotta go.

Come on, guys. No running in the house.

These candy apples are great.

Can me and Evan have another one?

Well, I better ask Katherine.

Where is Katherine?

Hey. You're missing all the fun.

I just got a candied apple out of a kid's hair.

Sounds like you got everything under control.

No, come on down.

It's not as much fun without you.


You were honest with me, so I'm gonna be honest with you.

I got scared.

Of what?

I was hosting a party with this amazing man and his adorable son, and we were like the perfect family, and then I realized...

We're not a family.

It could all go away in an instant.

Katherine, I'm not leaving.

But you're not committing either.

Why not, Mike?

Is it Susan?

You still in love with her?


No, I've told you that.

Then it must be me.

Katherine, I love having you in my life.

I'm just not ready.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm not trying to get you to say anything.

I just have to take care of myself.

I should probably go make sure the first floor is still there.

Excuse me. The mayor's about to leave, and the newspaper wants a photo with him and your family.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Tell him no way in hell. Tell him we'll be right there.

The newspaper? Forget it.

Gaby, I do business with the city.

I can't just blow off the mayor. Seriously, we cannot allow this to be photographed.

Next time there's an epidemic, people are gonna think I'm patient zero.

You're not getting out of this.


But just so we're clear, you're also latino jerk of the year.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, can I at least use the bathroom first?

Ladies! Attention, please.

I am in a jam, and I need lipstick and eyeliner.

Come on. Chop chop.

You can use my makeup.

Oh, that doesn't really go with my skin tone.

What do you mean? We have the same coloring.

Yeah, it doesn't really go with your skin tone either, but I can only deal with one disaster at a time.

Ooh. Asian girl. Close enough.

Um, I don't think so.

Ugh. Was it the "chop chop" thing? Fine. I'm sorry.

Now can I borrow some blush?

I don't share cosmetics. I'm sort of a germ freak.

Oh, don't worry. I'm as healthy as a horse. Really? You look sick.

That's 'cause I don't have any makeup!

I said no. Now leave me alone.

Okay, okay, look. I'm sorry. You're right.

I never should have asked.


Oh! Hey!

Come out now, or I'll call security!

You know, for a woman who has a purse full of dinner rolls, you sure have a lot of attitude.

Oh, good. We're all here.

By the way, Mrs. Solis, you look absolutely stunning.

Thank you.

Yeah, mom. You look great.

Okay, big smiles, everyone.

See this?

My third Espresso.

I'm wired. No way I'm falling asleep tonight.


How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn, and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and do it in every room in the house?

Tom, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

If you wanna stay mad, I guess you're gonna stay mad.

I am not mad, Lynette.

Then what's wrong?

You're gonna think it's stupid.

Tell me.

You want to know why sex has become so important to me lately?

Because you are the only thing in my life that I'm passionate about.

That is so sweet.

No. No, it's not good, Lynette... Not for me, not for you.


I need something else to be excited about.

I thought you wanted to do this, to take a break and stay home.

I did. You know, I figured, the kids are grown...

I can take care of the house and the errands, and it'll be easy, and it is.

It's too damn easy.

I am finished with my work by noon, and then I just sit around, waiting for you to come home.


What do you want to do? Hmm?

What are you passionate about?

I don't know.

I'm a middle-aged guy, and I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I told you it was stupid.




I know I disappointed you tonight, and I'm really sorry.

It's okay. I know why you did it.

I need makeup, too.

Honey, I know you think being pretty seems like the most important thing in the world right now, but believe me, it's not.

You were a model.

Yes, I was.

And my whole life, people told me how pretty I was.

So you know what?

I never thought I had to work hard in school or work on friendships or my personality... none of it.

And then I stopped modeling, and I realized I didn't have much on the inside.

And I don't want that for you.

I want you to be brave and funny and creative...

To be more than just a shell.

I want you to have the whole rich, gooey center.

Will you promise to do that for yourself?


When do I get to wear makeup?

I tell you what. You can wear makeup the day you realize you don't really need it.


I bought M.J. A fishing pole.

I figure I'd teach the little guy how to cast before we hit the water. Oh, my god. We're not gonna be able to make it this weekend.

I'm kind of...

Getting married.


To who?

Dave Williams.

I thought I heard you out here.


Just when you thought I was out of the picture, I'm back.

Since you held up your end of the bargain, I'm going to hold up mine.

I'm gonna make sure that you walk away from this marriage with your business and your assets intact.

Now to accomplish this, I may need you to lie, stonewall, even resort to some outright trickery.

My question is...

Will you be up for that?

I used to think of myself as a good person.

If I had a choice, I would always choose the high road.

Lately I've begun to realize that, um...

I'm capable of doing whatever needs to be done.

You know what that makes you?

The perfect client.

On this street, the bargaining is finished by sundown...

A daughter agrees to go to bed early if her mother lets her dress up in her old gowns...

A woman agrees to let her fiancé spend the night if he'll agree to sleep on the sofa...

A man allows his lover to get close as long as they don't discuss the future.

Yes, everyone knows how to bargain on Wisteria Lane...


What are you doing up so late?

Well, I have a proposition for you.

I'll make you breakfast in the morning if you make love to me tonight.

Why not?

But sometimes...

They get more than they bargained for.