Marry Me a Little (2009)
Hey, Dave, is that the bathroom?
No. I think that's it there.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Dave tried to eliminate a witness to murder.
But Jackson survived...
I bought M.J. A fishing pole. We're not gonna be able to make it this weekend.
I'm kind of getting married. What?
I thought I heard you out here. Jackson.
Forcing him to change his plans.
I'm a middle-aged guy...
Tom was searching. And I don't know what I wanna do with my life.
We're rich again! Hallelujah!
Gaby's life returned to normal.
We're gonna be us again... The old Carlos and Gaby.
I'm gonna make sure that you walk away from this marriage with your assets intact. Now to accomplish this...
And Bree agreed to protect what she felt was hers.
I'm capable of doing whatever needs to be done.
The lawyer arrived just after sundown.
He checked to make sure no one was watching, then he hurried to the front door...
Where his client was waiting.
As she poured him the scotch he requested, the client began to wonder exactly how he planned to hide her assets from the husband she was divorcing.
The lawyer suggested some creative accounting.
His client agreed.
He suggest a secret bank account.
He suggested a second set of books.
And then the lawyer looked deep into his client's eyes and made one final suggestion...
That she was completely unprepared for.
You want me to Rob my own house?!
Not exactly. I was thinking we'd hire my friend Tony to do it. Absolutely not.
I am all up for a little creative accounting and some secret bank accounts, but hiring some thug to stage a break-in?
It's a community property state, babe.
Orson's going to get half of everything, including your jewelry, your artwork, your antiques.
Wouldn't it be easier to just have him killed?
As your lawyer, I can't condone that.
That said, I have a cousin... I was kidding!
So was I. Loosen up, freckles.
Well, I just never know with you.
And don't call me "freckles."
Look, if you're not comfortable with Tony, why don't we do the job ourselves?
I bet you'd look hot in a ski mask.
You are repugnant, and this conversation is over.
Fine, but since I'm charging you for the full hour, let me make it worth your while. Sit down and close your eyes. What? No!
Just humor me. Come on.
Now I want you to picture Orson after the divorce.
He owns half of your business, half of your assets.
You see it?
Now I want you to picture Orson dating some young bimbo.
And don't kid yourself.
He will get a bimbo.
Now picture your favorite strand of pearls dangling in the 24-year-old cleavage of said bimbo while she is using your first edition Robert frost as a coaster...
And your 19th century French crystal vase as an ashtray.
If you can live with that...
I will leave.
And with that, the client offered a suggestion of her own...
We should probably break a window to make it look more real.
And the lawyer agreed.
You can find them in any home.
Some are used once a year to scare the neighbors...
Some are needed for the occasional chore.
Some are applied every other Thursday.
Then there's the kind of mask some men wear every day.
It's a friendly smile designed to hide the most wicked of intentions.
Hey, M.J., is your mom home?
She's inside talking to Jackson.
So... what do you think of Jackson?
I like him. He buys me comic books.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
He was very brave that night during that fire at the nightclub.
Does he ever talk about that fire...
Or anybody he saw that night?
Have the police stopped by to ask him any questions?
If they do, would you let me know?
I wanna make sure they're being nice to our friend Jackson, 'cause he's such a good guy.
It is such a stunning piece.
It's simple and elegant. Don't you think?
I mean, I know it was expensive, but you can't put a price tag on beauty. Am I right?
So when daddy finds out how much I spent, would it be okay if I used you as a human shield?
You know, I should really get you tested.
Hey! Did you have a fun playdate with Heather?
She's got a canopy bed. I want one.
We just bought you a bed. It's not even a year old.
I don't like it anymore. I wanna sleep under a canopy.
Then go move in with Heather, 'cause I'm not getting you one.
Why not? We're rich.
Who told you that? I heard you telling aunt Bree, since daddy got his new job, we're rolling in money.
Well, mommy shouldn't have said that.
Just, when aunt Bree started bragging about her Prada bag, mommy kind of lost it.
I want a canopy, and you gotta get me one.
I don't have to get you anything.
And stop acting like a spoiled brat.
I am not spending a fortune on a bed you don't need.
Oh, but you can spend millions of dollars on a stupid vase?
That vase is not stupid.
Is that vase stupid?
Okay, you know what? This conversation is over.
Go to your room!
You, too, bobblehead.
Okay, my clothes are in the closet.
I'm going to put my toothbrush in the bathroom.
Oh, just leave the toilet seat up, and the immigration people will totally think we're married.
Yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna thank you for doing this.
Actually, I did think of one way you could repay me.
Mmm. You got it.
Uh, no. Not like that.
No, I was thinking that after our quickie courthouse ceremony, you could buy me a cake.
I love wedding cake.
It's the one part of marriage that never lets you down.
Well, I can do you better than that.
How about I throw us a big engagement party?
Well, we're not having a wedding, and we're gonna need pictures of something to put in our photo album as evidence.
Okay. Yeah, I guess that could be fun.
While our friends are toasting to our everlasting happiness, we can yell, "surprise! It's all a sham!
Thanks for the crock-pot!"
No, no, no. We can't tell anybody this is a fake.
The whole thing could blow up. Can't I at least tell the girls?
No way. I mean, they don't call her "Gabby" for nothing.
Ah, fake marriages... They're complicated.
I-I-I know I'm asking a lot, Susan.
No, no. It's okay. I wanna do this.
I miss you, and the house has been kinda lonely since you left.
Well, I hear you loud and clear.
Not that lonely.
What are you doing? Thinking.
Well, think inside. I made porkchops.
Aren't you gonna ask me about my job interview?
Oh, right. How'd that go?
Okay... until the 30-year-old who was interviewing me asked me if I'd ever used twittering as part of a marketing campaign.
And what'd you say?
Because I don't know what "twittering" is.
It's a social networking tool where you send instant updates to anybody who signs up for them.
So... you knew about this, and yet you kept it from me?
I didn't keep it from you.
It's just one of those tech things that you don't care about.
It's for young people.
And I am a dinosaur marching into the tar pit.
I didn't say that.
You're not gonna get a whole lot of sympathy from me.
I just went through the same thing. Remember?
Yeah, but you didn't tell me how bad it was.
That's another thing you kept from me.
50 guys showed up for that one job, and I was 10 years older than every single one of 'em.
I could hear 'em twittering as I left the room.
I think you mean "tittering."
Sorry. Please, don't hit me.
I heard a door slam shut today, Lynette.
It's official. My time has passed.
I am no longer relevant.
Oh, for god sakes, knock it off!
I am not gonna let you feel sorry for yourself.
You are Tom Scavo, damn it!
Sorry. I got nothing else. Come inside and eat your pork.
This place smells funny. I don't wanna be here.
Well, you should've thought about that before you started acting like such a diva. Now sit down.
This is a surprise.
What brings you to our soup kitchen?
Well, I want Juanita to work with the poor.
I want to teach her to be grateful for how good she has it. Oh, well, we can always use a hand.
And four hands? Well, that's a blessing.
Oh, me? No, no. Not me.
I'm not really dressed for ladling, but, um, I could stand by the condiment bar and spritz people with my Chanel.
And you say Juanita is a little ungrateful? Hmm.
It's Gabrielle Solis from the tennis club.
Oh, of course.
Wow, it's been years!
The last time I saw you was at that charity fashion show.
Wasn't that fun? Yes. Yes, it was.
So what are you doing here? Are you volunteering?
Not exactly. Me either.
My daughter's gotten so snooty, I am forcing her to spend time with the great unwashed.
You wanna ditch this place for a cappuccino?
Um, actually, I'm here to eat.
Great. We don't see enough of her.
And she's not alone.
Hey, Jackson. Long time no see. What's going on?
Um... we sort of have an announcement.
We're getting married.
Oh, my god!
This is such great news!
So... when's the date?
Whoa. W... Well, that's kind of sudden.
Well, when you know, you know.
Why wait? And we're having a little engagement party on Friday, and you're both invited.
A party? Count us in.
I can't think of a better reason to... celebrate.
Have you told M.J. Yet?
Yeah. He was on board when he found out there was cake.
Just wanna make sure this isn't all happening too fast for him.
You know kids. They need a little time to adjust.
Oh, kids are resilient.
He'll be fine. I'm so excited!
Well, uh, we wanted you two to be the first to know, and we should probably get going.
Got a few more neighbors to shock.
Oh, well, we are just so happy for you.
Now if we're going with the damask for the settee, then I strongly suggest that we do the couch in the chenille.
The only word I understood there was "couch."
I'll explain it to him later.
Good, because they're only going to hold this fabric for a couple of days.
Well, I am off.
Ohh. Isn't that vase divine?
I am so glad you like it.
I thought we were just trying out the vase.
I'll explain it to him later. Okay.
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Can you believe this?
Seven years ago, Evelyn did Fran's house.
Now? No house.
That's crazy. You ask Fran what happened?
No! I didn't want to embarrass her.
You met her in line for free soup.
How much more embarrassed could she get?
Remember that dinner party she gave?
She had 20 place settings of Tiffany China.
How does this happen to someone who has Tiffany China?
This is $200 a yard.
Tell Fran to save us a place in line.
I bet I know what happened.
She drank it away.
That one new year's Eve where she got so plowed she fell in the koi pond...
Where she landed on you, drunky sue.
Everybody was hammered at that party.
Well, then it must've been a gambling problem.
Based on what?
She never missed bingo night at immaculate heart...
And she was lutheran.
You really think she bingo'ed her house away?
Uh, I don't know. There has to be some reason.
You don't fall that far that fast without making some really stupid choices.
Why you gettin' so angry?
It was Tiffany China, Carlos.
Aha! There's the man that ruined my fishing trip.
Sorry about that, Dave. Oh, no worries.
Hey, I am so happy for you and Susan. Congratulations.
So how have you been?
We haven't had a chance to talk since...
I don't know, probably the fire.
Uh, yeah. You were the big hero.
I was the doofus that got stuck in the men's room. Oh, that was a hell of a night.
Sure would like to forget that. Yeah, me, too.
Unfortunately, I have to go down and talk to the cops on Tuesday. Really?
Yeah. I went down to city hall to get my marriage certificate, and I ran into one of the detectives from that night, and apparently, they've been trying to get in touch with me.
So now I get to go down there the day after my wedding.
Some honeymoon, huh?
Wow. Those guys really know how to put a crimp in your day.
So did they say what they wanted to talk to you about?
I guess they just wanna know if I saw anything suspicious.
Hmm. Did you?
Mm, no. I mean, I was backstage.
I was headed to the men's room, and I ran into...
I am so sorry.
Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.
I mean, there's gotta be a mop around here somewhere.
That's not coming out.
Oh, Bree can get rid of that in a jiffy.
Now where did she go?
Okay. Showtime. Wipe your feet first.
I just had the carpets cleaned.
Just because we're thieves doesn't mean we need to be untidy.
Are we stealing this?
Uh, yes. As I recall, it's quite valuable.
What about this? Oh, god, no.
That's Orson's dental innovator of the year award.
I've always hated that thing.
What are you doing?
I, uh, took some of my silver off the mantle, and it threw off the balance.
You're right. Let me help.
There. Balance restored.
Was that necessary?
This place has to look like it was ransacked by robbers, not someone's personal shopper. Fine! But do you have to do it with such relish?
Hey, you're not paying me to just go through the motions.
Speaking of which... are you nailing Orson like we discussed?
That is none of your business.
Well, we have to make sure he doesn't suspect anything.
I do the bare minimum. No more, no less.
So is he just missionary?
He seems like a strictly missionary kind of guy.
Must you be so crude?
Must you always be such a priss?
You freak out at the mention of sex.
You never want to make a mess.
You suppress every spontaneous urge you ever have!
Man, it must be exhausting being you!
Yes, being a lady takes effort.
Well, maybe give it a rest once in a while.
It might surprise you how good it feels.
You wanna be a neanderthal, Karl? That's your choice.
I prefer to behave with class and dignity.
Now may we please finish robbing my home?
It's Tom Scavo.
Tom! Oh, my god!
What are you doing here?
Well, Jackson and I are in the same soccer league.
Lynette, this is bill brown.
We were roommates freshmen year in college. Hi.
God, you look fantastic. You haven't aged a day. Hey, right back at ya.
Liar. You didn't even recognize me.
Back up a second. You guys were classmates? Yeah.
Meaning you were in the same class at the same time?
That's what classmates means, Lynette. We're the same age.
Actually, I think I'm six months older.
I'm sorry, I just cannot believe...
That they're out of stuffed mushrooms.
Okay, my wife's annoying, but she is right.
What's your secret? What is it? Diet? Exercise?
You eatin' a bowl of stem cells every morning?
Come on. What's going on, Peter Pan?
Okay... You really wanna know?
This is for you and Jackson. Congratulations!
Aw, how sweet. Oh! And heavy. Score.
Yeah, well, we can afford to be generous now that I'm off the hook for alimony.
You're getting remarried.
So I can stop sending that check every month.
Everybody gets a gift.
Right! Score for you!
Uh, can I talk to you for a sec?
Oh, thank you.
You get alimony?
I thought you were too proud to take alimony.
I was too proud to admit it. I'm not too proud to take it.
I need that money, Jackson.
Well, I-I can try to chip in. "Chip in"?
It's is not a birthday cake for Shirley in accounting.
It's mortgage and food and insurance.
I'm sorry, but I can't marry you.
No, Susan, they'll send me back.
It's Canada, not Iran.
It's like america with free health insurance.
Okay, I know this is important to you, but I depend on that check every month. And I know you do.
I just can't believe that I finally found a job that I love, and now I just gotta give it up.
Well, look, maybe... I could talk to Mike.
I could see if we could work something out.
You'd do that?
Yeah, I'll try.
Don't think he's not gonna want his gift back.
And it's really heavy, too.
You thought my friend bill looked pretty fantastic, huh?
Okay, I went a little overboard.
You know me... two margaritas, and I need a muzzle.
No, I completely agree with you. He looks really young.
I know, right? He must take care of himself.
Actually, he told me his secret, and I'm thinking of doing the same thing.
No, you're not having plastic surgery.
It's my face.
Uh, we live in a community property state, so half that face is mine.
Fine, you know what? You get the half below the nose.
But these wrinkles up here? All going away.
Tom, men don't need plastic surgery.
They look better as they age.
Because you couldn't stop talking about how great bill looked. "You guys were classmates?
You mean the same class at the same time?"
Okay, that's a lousy impression of me.
Look, bill said it really gave him a leg up in job interviews, and I could use that right now.
You don't need a face-lift.
What if I went out and got a boob job and came home with big, giant sideshow boobs?
How would you like that?
I'd learn to live with it somehow.
You're not doing this. We can't afford it!
It's an investment in our future. We can't afford not to.
I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment.
If you want, I can also get a price check on a pair of... I'm not getting a boob job.
Why don't I make you a nice cup of Earl grey...
Oh, dear god.
Orson, we've been robbed!
It wasn't me. I swear.
We need more silverware up there.
No cuts! Back of the line.
Oh, relax. I already ate dinner at home...
In my box under the bridge.
Oh, god. I was afraid I wouldn't find you here.
Ah, lucky you, I'm still poor.
I feel bad I ducked out so fast the other day.
And I've been thinking about you a lot, and I just... I really wanna help.
Thank you. Thank you!
I just wanna make sure that you're not gonna...
Drinking was never my problem, Gaby.
I didn't think so. You were always so classy.
20, 40, 60...
Was it drugs?
No. I never did drugs.
Good to know.
Because gambling is bad enough without being high.
I never gambled a day in my life, Gaby.
Well, then what the hell happened?
This doesn't make sense.
I was at your house. You had such lovely things.
Yes, Mark and I lived really well.
Probably a little... Too well.
But we were young, and we thought we had time to save for the future.
Then he died.
I didn't know.
He was sick a really long time.
He couldn't work. He lost his insurance.
By the time he passed away, we were completely wiped out.
Oh, Fran, I'm so sorry.
You didn't have any family to turn to? Any friends?
No family, and as it turns out, not too many friends either.
Look, Gaby, I know you came here wanting to find out what I did to make this all happen.
But the truth is, we're all just an accident or a tumor or a bad investment away from...
Standing in line for free soup.
I don't agree, Fran.
You know, Carlos went blind for five years.
We went broke. We almost lost our house.
But we worked our asses off and we made it back.
Oh, so just because you survived that, you think you've crossed some kind of finish line, that nothing bad can happen again?
Well, no, but... listen.
I hope it works out for you.
I hope you never lose that big, beautiful home of yours.
God knows I wish I'd appreciated mine more while I had it.
Thank you again.
Remind me again when you're getting your teeth cleaned.
Um... the 14th.
And the 15th, we have tickets to that play that you're dragging me to.
I'm just... I'm trying to figure out when would be a good time to get married.
I'm sorry. What did you just...
I know, I know.
Not the most romantic proposal in the world.
I shouldn't have led with the teeth cleaning.
I feel I can overlook that.
So is that a yes?
Yes! It's a yes!
Wow! What brought this on?
It just seemed like the right time.
I'm so happy.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I understand taking things, but why smash something you're gonna leave behind?
They're robbers, dear. Not personal shoppers.
Yeah, well, whoever did this should be shot.
Well, I wonder if the victims of your kleptomania felt the same way.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
I never realized what my stealing put people through.
Maybe this is Karma.
What is that?
It's a picture of the mask they stole.
I drew it from memory.
Hmm. Remember where we got it?
Was it Florence?
We walked past that little shop under the bridge, and you saw it in the window.
Oh, that's right.
You told me you'd been wearing a mask all your life, but with me, you felt...
Like I could finally take it off and be myself.
Anyway, I faxed it to the shop in venice.
They said they could make a new one.
I should have it for you in about a month.
I can't believe you went to all that trouble then you must not know how much you mean to me.
Hello? Oh, hi, Dave.
No, of course not. What's on your mind?
Well, I figured it was time to get back to work, so I put together a speaking tour...
Seattle, Portland, my usual route.
Work? Are you sure it's not too soon? Well, I have to do it eventually.
Anyway, I was hoping you could check in on the house now and then.
Oh, someone's at my door. Let me get rid of them.
Hey, Katherine, is Mike here?
No, he's at work. Oh, shoot. Um...
Well, can you tell him to call me as soon as he gets back? Sure.
Is everything okay?
Okay, you know what? Mike's probably gonna tell you anyway, so just don't tell anyone else, okay?
There's not a problem with the wedding, is there?
It's still on, right?
Jackson and I are only getting married because he needs his green card.
And then I realized that I would lose my alimony.
So unless Mike will keep paying me, I can't get married.
You have to.
I mean, poor Jackson.
I-I would hate to see him deported back to...
Where's he from? Canada.
Oh! Oh! Brr! We can't have that!
If you want, I could talk to Mike for you. That would be great.
Just tell him I need an answer quickly
'cause the wedding is Monday.
Well, don't cancel anything yet. You'll have your answer tonight.
Hey, Lynette. How's it going?
Oh, my husband wants to spend money we don't have on a face-lift he doesn't need, so... not great.
Mm, tell him to be careful.
Have you seen Bruce in payroll?
He just went in for a little nip and tuck.
And? How's he look?
Like he's standing in a wind tunnel.
What's his extension?
And I'm thinking I may have acted rashly.
I mean, every marriage has its rough patches.
Orson loves me, and deep down, he's a good man.
If I stick with this, maybe we can make it work.
Are you even listening to me?
Don't need to. Heard it all before.
I've been doing this 20 years.
And trust me, every woman gets cold feet.
"Am I making a mistake?"
"Was he really that bad?"
"Maybe I could try harder."
And I'm gonna tell you what I tell them...
You're not making a mistake.
He really is that bad.
And no matter how hard you try, he's still gonna be the same jerk who sent you into this office in the first place.
Oh. So I'm just like everyone else, and you know everything I'm going to say.
I even know the stuff you're not going to say.
I doubt that.
Let me give it a shot.
You've been thinking, "what happens if I walk away from Orson and everything I invested in this relationship?"
"Will I ever find another man?"
Will you spend the rest of your life alone?
In the ballpark.
Well, you listen to me.
You've got nothing to worry about.
You're a beautiful, elegant, classy woman, and there's no way you're gonna end up alone.
And do you say that to every woman, too?
I mean, I get some real uggos in here.
You know, the kind that are gonna die alone and get eaten by their cats.
So are we back in business?
Send me the papers when they're ready.
Honey, I'm glad you're home.
I brought someone home from work I want you to meet. W...
Ohh. Yeah. It turns out he got the same procedure that you're thinking about getting.
So I thought maybe you could chat him up about it. So you're finally on board with this?
Well, like you said, it's your face.
Come on, I'm dying for you to meet Bruce.
Bruce, I want you to meet my husband Tom.
Tom, this is Bruce.
So, um, Lynette tells me you're thinking about having a little elective surgery.
Did she? Mm-hmm.
Now you may not be able to tell, but I've had work done.
Really? Have they finished?
Now I should warn you that, uh...
After they operate, it looks a little weird.
Oh, I was wondering about that. Yeah.
But eventually it settles, like this.
Isn't it exciting, Tom?
In a few weeks, you are gonna look just like Bruce.
Hey, if you want, I'll give you the name of my surgeon.
Yes. I definitely want the name of the guy who did that.
Lynette, um, Bruce looks like he could use something to drink, and I know that I sure could.
C-Could you excuse us for a sec?
Very clever, Lynette... inviting the joker over to scare me.
I wanted you to see the face they don't put in the brochure.
I will be having my work done by a reputable surgeon.
Bruce looks like his was done by a bear.
That's my point.
You don't know how these things will turn out.
Well, I am willing to take that risk. I'm doing it.
Why are you being so stubborn?
Why do you care so much?
Because I don't want to have plastic surgery.
Tom, if you're unsatisfied with your looks, someday you're gonna be unsatisfied with mine.
You are going to look at me someday with your brand-new face and say, "when did she get so old?"
We won't look like we belong together anymore.
Lynette, I'm just talking about gettin' rid of a few wrinkles.
But I don't see your wrinkles, Tom.
I see our whole life together.
Is you worrying about how you're going to provide for us.
This is penny falling out of the tree house and breaking her arm.
This is my cancer.
These are the millions of laughs that got us through all those tough times.
It's like a map of our marriage, and I don't want to lose it.
And it if keeps me from getting a job?
You're gonna get a job, and it'll be because they're impressed by your experience, not your wrinkle-free face.
I know exactly what you mean.
And I love your face, too.
And this wrinkle here, that's when...
This isn't about me, Tom.
Come on. Mwah.
Looks like we're getting fake married after all.
Mike agreed to keep paying me alimony. He just sent me a text.
Oh, man. That's a relief.
And unbelievably generous.
I'm gonna send him a thank-you right now.
You know, I really can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Susan.
And I promise, as long as I'm here, I'll pitch in around the house, run errands.
You know, just like a real husband.
Clearly, you've never been married before.
Well, you know, just because this is, um...
A fake marriage, doesn't mean it can't be wonderful.
Well, I've been in some real marriages that weren't, so... maybe you're right.
Oh, look. Cans.
You can't have a wedding without cans and signage!
Let's get to the car wash on our way to the courthouse. Mm-hmm.
We're with immigration.
You're in the country on an expired visa.
You're gonna have to come with us. Oh, no, no, no.
You... you can't take him now. Ma'am, I need you to step back.
Susan, there's a business card on the dresser with an attorney's number. Would you call him for me, please?
Please, can't this wait? We're about to get married. Not today you're not.
What's going on? Who are these guys? Uh... immigration agents, and I think they're...
Sending Jackson back to Canada.
Hello? May I speak with, uh, Bree Van De Kamp?
Oh, she's not in at the moment. Can I take a message?
Uh, yeah, this is Sheila with Weston brothers storage.
It's about the storage unit she just rented. Storage unit?
Uh, yeah, we overcharged her on the deposit.
Tell her not to worry.
We're gonna deduct it from her next bill.
Okay. Uh, thank you. You're welcome.
Everyone wears some kind of mask, so you must look closely to find the truth that lies beneath.
Some conceal anxiety about growing older.
Some hide fears of financial ruin.
Others cover up a love that continues to linger.
And then there are those who let their masks slip.
If you look into their eyes, you'll see who they really are...
And exactly what they're capable of.