Desperate Housewives S5E23 Script

Everybody Says Don't (2009)

Previously on...

We're getting married.

One proposal led to another.

We're with immigration.

But the law get in the way. Can't this wait? We're about to get married.

Not today, you're not. A break-in was staged...

Orson, we've been robbed.

In an attempt to hide assets in a divorce.

After the crash... And the truth about the accident came out.

Mike told 'em that he was driving, but it wasn't true.

The thing you have to understand about Dave Williams is he wanted to be forgiven.

That's why he made the videotape.

I didn't want to kill M.J. Delfino.

I had to.

Susan Mayer killed my wife and daughter.

The police called it... An accident.

But I don't believe a person who takes two precious lives should be allowed to just...

Walk away.

I know some people will wonder, why didn't I just kill Susan?

But what good would that have done?

She'd be dead. There'd be no...


And to those who hate me because I took the life...

Of an innocent young boy, I say...

Aw, crap.

Yes, Dave Williams wanted everyone to forgive him...

Look, I got a new tackle box for our trip on Saturday.

But not until he finished doing...

The unforgivable.

After the white horse nightclub was destroyed by a suspicious fire, one body was left unclaimed.

The detectives on this case referred to him as...

"John Doe a-37."

For months, they tried to identify him.

Then one day, they got a call from an impound lot.

It seems a car had been towed from the club parking lot the night of the fire...

A sedan that had been rented...

To a Dr. Samuel Heller from Boston, who had been reported missing four months earlier.

The doctor's dental records confirmed their theory.

His receptionist, however, did not.

No way.

Dr. Heller did not die in that fire.

Ma'am, we've got his dental records.

I don't care. You said the fire was four months ago?

Well, I've gotten texts from him since then.

You have?

Yeah. The last one was just a few weeks ago.


Maybe we should send a text back.

Ma'am, you have your phone with you?

Hey, Dave.

I was gonna call you.

You were? Yeah. Um... did you say something to M.J.

About going on that fishing trip? Yeah, I did.

I know how depressed you've been since Jackson was deported, so I thought, now is the perfect time for the three of us to go up to the lake. And...

I got M.J. His own little life vest.

I wish I could, but I can't. I'm worried about Jackson. All the more reason.

You know what they say about fishing...

It's nature's tranquilizer.

Dave, I haven't heard from Jackson since he was taken away, and I just wanna be here in case he calls.

Yeah, well, that's okay. Just bring your cell phone.

I'd just feel more comfortable if I'm close by.

Oh, that's crazy.

I mean, Jackson wouldn't want you sittin' around here worrying about him.

I'm sorry. We'll go fishing another time.

Don't you think you're being a little selfish here?

I mean, what about M.J.?

You wanna go fishing, don't you, buddy? Yeah!


What are you doing?

I just told you I can't go.

I'm just thinking about M.J.

He'll be fine.

You know what? You're right.

I'm sorry.

It's just a trip.

You're not listening!

Six months in Europe would be educational.

You know what would be more educational?

You going to college like we talked about.

Mom, I've already been in school for 12 years already.

I... I need a vacation. Well, it seems like, based on your last few report cards, you've already been on vacation.

I'm gonna be 18. If I wanna go to Europe, I'll go to Europe.

Oh? Well, good luck paying for it, because if you so much as apply for a passport, we're cuttin' you off. Cut off from the mighty Scavo family fortune? Oh, no!

Tom, why didn't you help me out there?

Because I agree with him.


Well, he's young. He should be having fun.

I mean, look... look at me. I'm a middle-aged man reading the want ads for jobs that I'll never get.

I should've gone to Europe when I had the chance. Hey, focus.

Our son is throwing his life away.

We have got to keep him on track.

What is so great about the track?

I was on it. I did everything I was supposed to.

It chewed me up and spit me out.

I know you're discouraged, but... letting our son make a huge mistake is not gonna help anything. Even if it is a huge mistake, you got to let people make some decisions about their own life.

Your way is not the only way.

I am just trying to help Preston avoid the way marked "unemployable loser."

Fine. What do you want me to do?

I want you to get this stupid Europe idea out of his head.

Take him on a tour of the campus.

Get him excited. Show him college could be fun.


And on the way home, I'll show my college diploma to the guy at the burger barn. Ohh.

Yeah. They're hiring a new fry cook for the night shift.

If you're really stopping by there, bring home some onion rings.

Mommy, what are you doing?

We're going to a family reunion at aunt Connie's on Saturday, and I want to look my best.

Is it gonna be fun?

Well, if your idea of a good time is sitting on rusty lawn chairs in the driveway eating lard in the shape of chicken, then yeah! It's gonna be a blast. The driveway?

Honey, you're 6 now, so I think it's time we had a little mother/daughter talk.

Your father's side of the family's trash.

Any questions?

If you don't like her, why are you putting on your best jewelry?

'Cause that's what grownups do, sweetie.

When we don't like someone, we don't punch them or say mean things. We just find subtle ways to make them feel bad about their lives.

Ooh, like these earrings. Aunt Connie can't afford them, and that'll make her sad.

And this will bring her to her knees.

And this will be a kick in her throat.

If you hate 'em so much, maybe we shouldn't go.

Oh, no, sweetie. We have to go. They're family.

See, this is why I wanted to check on my things.

You don't leave a valuable painting on the damn floor.

You need to put something underneath it.

Fine. How about this ugly doormat?

That is not a doormat.

That is a handwoven kurdish kazak rug.

You know, Bree, when I hang out with you, I realize how little I know and how much I don't give a crap.

Give me that.

I'm so glad this divorce is almost over.

An obnoxious, unpleasant man will be out of my life, and so will Orson.

Hey, it's not over yet.

You still got a couple of hurdles.

Has Orson brought up the insurance claim again?

No, he thinks I filed it.

Great. When he realizes you never did, you'll be divorced, he'll be broke, and it won't matter.

Yes, and I'll be single again, and I can concentrate on my business, maybe do some traveling.

Maybe spend a little time at the intersection of right leg and left leg, if you know what I'm saying. Sadly, Karl, I always know what you're saying.

You know, if you want, I could set you up.

I know a lot of great guys who are good for a free dinner.

And a few laughs, huh?

Thanks, Karl. I'm not even divorced yet, and once I am, I don't think you'd be my first choice as a matchmaker. Oh, shoot.


Hey, Susan, it's me.

Jackson, I have been so worried.

Where... where are you? Fairview jail.

They're processing my deportation papers.

So they're sending you back? When?

Couple days.

I just wanted to call and say thank you and...

Tell you that I'll miss you.

Well... I'll miss you, too.

I mean, you came in my life when I was going through a really hard time, and you were amazing.

I mean, you are amazing.

You, too. So...

Did the immigration people tell you how they found out about you? Anonymous tip.

Although it's pretty obvious who "anonymous" is.

Does Mike really think I'm that stupid?

Mike? You think Mike did this?

Who else?

Mike and Katherine were the only people who knew.

Katherine was doing cartwheels about us getting married, so...

Yeah, but, no, this doesn't make any sense because Mike knew that it wasn't for real.

Well, real or not, he had the look of a guy who's not ready to give you up, so...

Time's up.

Uh, I-I gotta go.

I'll try and call you again before I leave.


Hey, hey, how was the campus tour?

Fantastic. Oh!

Oh, my god. That school is amazing.

Oh. The professors are so engaged, and the kids were open and friendly.


Yeah. It was inspiring. You were so right to send us.

Good. Good. I knew if you saw the campus, you'd have a change of heart.

Me? Nah. I'm still going to Europe.

What was that? I thought you said the tour was fantastic.

Okay, so Preston still needs a little convincing.

But I don't.

I'm going back to school.

Wh-what's that now?

Okay. I know it's a little out of left field, but walking across the quad, I felt so alive.

I spoke with someone in admissions, and all I have to do is pass an entrance exam.


Ahem. You would be a college student... again.


25 years after the first time.

But this time... focused.

This time, knowing exactly what I wanna major in.

Which is?




As in "moo goo gai pan" Chinese?

What's he gonna do with that, watch Bruce Lee movies without the subtitles?

We didn't get that far.

I felt faint, and he left to go buy a backpack.

Ooh. Lynette, that's bad.

Well, it's just so random, and the worst part is if I point that out, I'm a bitch.

Why is that?

When did being practical and realistic become synonymous with bitchiness?

The first time a man did something stupid, and a woman pointed it out.

I know Tom. He's going to learn how to count to ten in Chinese, then he'll get bored and move on to his new dream of becoming a beekeeper. Well, then you have no choice. Bite the bullet and bitch.

No, she has a choice.

It's entirely possible to get what you want without being perceived of as a nagging shrew.

Please, sensei, instruct me in your ancient ways.

Well, the key is to not let them know what you're doing.

This requires observation, cunning and manipulation.

Isn't it just easier to shut down your hoo-ha until he gives in? I think that Bree is right...

That the more Tom sees you digging in your heels, the more he's gonna wanna do it.

So you wait for an opportunity that you can use to your advantage while at the same time appearing supportive. That's your advice?

Hope an opportunity just drops in my lap?

Might as well start shopping for beekeeper suits.

Oh, you guys, I'm sorry. I gotta run.

Hey. I need to talk to Mike.

Oh, he's in the shower, but I'll tell him you stopped by. Oh, no need. I'll wait.

Orson, I'm home.

Have a seat.

So there never was a robbery.

You took these things, hoping to hide them from me.

And though I've tried to come up with a reason, I can't.

So I'm forced to ask the question why.

Why would you do such a thing?

I want a divorce.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

My lawyer says you're entitled to half of everything we've acquired during the marriage, so I was trying to hide some of those things, since... let's face it... I paid for them.

You've already hired a lawyer?

Yes, but I'm tired of all the lying and the sneaking around, so I will inform him that you can have whatever you like. I don't want a divorce.

Well, that part's non-negotiable.

Can't we at least talk about this?

There's no point.

So you should get a piece of paper, start to make a list of what it is you wish to take with you.

So... you don't want any of it?

No. All I want is out.

You know, he might be a while. Sure I can't help you?

No, I need to talk to Mike.

Now you could flush the toilet and try to get him out of there.

You seem upset.

Something happened?

Did Mike turn Jackson in to immigration?

No. Why would he do that?

I don't know. Jealousy?

Jackson thinks Mike is still hung up on me.

Trust me, Susan. Mike did not turn Jackson in.

Mm. Shower's off.

I guess we'll know in a few seconds.

Listen... Mike couldn't have called immigration because I never told him that Jackson was marrying you for a green card.

Well, somebody did, because he sent me a text agreeing to keep paying me alimony.

That was me.

I sent it.

Are you insane? Why would you do something...

Mike has asked me to marry him.


And I was afraid that if he found out that you weren't really in love with Jackson, that he might change his mind about me.

Okay, Katherine, that is...

It's totally unfair to Mike.

I mean, he needs to know the truth.

I can make him happy, Susan.

He just needs to get over you.


Please, don't ruin this.

Hey, you wanna just order in?

Oh, hey, Susan.

Um... I'm glad you're here.

Um, I have something I wanna tell you.

Um, yeah. I...

Katherine already told me about your big news.


Okay. Um...

Well, I hope we have your blessing.

Yes, sure.


Why not?

I'm sorry, Susan.

I was gonna tell you myself.

Well, don't be mad at Katherine.

We all know that she just can't... keep a secret.

Wow, this place is looking worse than ever.

Yeah, aunt Connie's salons haven't been doing so well.

You know, maybe you should take off some of those diamonds.

You walk in there like that, you're gonna make her feel bad about herself. Say no more.

You know, aunt Connie's like a second mother to me.

Why do you hate her so much? Because all she ever does is put me down.

If you'd pay attention, you'd see what I'm talking about.

Oh! There's my Carlos!

Hi, tía. Hi!


Are these the girls?

No! They're so grown up!

And, Gaby...

Is it just me, or do you get more beautiful every time I see you?

No, it's not just you.

Come here. Give me a hug. Let me see your palms.

Gaby. Fine.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Now come on in!

The whole family's here.

And I've made some of my world-famous tamales.

Aunt Connie seems nice.

Maybe she's changed.

Trash don't change, sweetheart. She's up to something.

Now come on, let's go grab a lawn chair before we get stuck on the grass with the fire ants.

Tom Scavo, this is Mr. Cummings.

We met during your tour of the campus.

Forgive me, but I gave you the wrong date for the admissions test.

It's tomorrow at 8:00 A.M. so get a good night's sleep, and we'll see you first thing in the morning.

Help! Help! Help! Help! Oh! Coming. I'm coming.

It goes... there.

So... I was thinking this whole going back to school thing...

Deserves a little celebration.

Really? I didn't think you were on board.

I wanna be supportive.

Let's go for a nice dinner, get a bottle of wine...

Maybe two, since we don't have to wake up early tomorrow.

Or we can go to that Mexican place that has those great margaritas.

Oh, Tom. You and Tequila?

What a great idea.

Okay, everybody, I need you to gather around.

Aunt Connie has something to say.

Gaby, come on. My tía's waiting.

Well, let her wait. I need something to drink.

I mean trying to keep down one of her "world-famous" tamales.

Thank you all so much for coming today.

It's been so long since we've been together.

We love you, aunt Connie.

Oh, and I love all of you.

There's nothing more important than family.

And now I have an announcement to make.

As many of you know, I've battled a weak heart for most of my life.

And the doctor now tells me that I may only have a few months left.


Bad heart. Floor's all yours.

As some of you know, I've been taking care of my granddaughter, my beautiful Ana.

Because of my condition, I can't do it anymore, and I need someone to take her in.

I realize that this is a lot to ask.

We would love to help out, but Miguel just lost his job.

We're barely scraping by.

I understand.

Obviously, it has to be someone who can afford to do this.

We wish we could, but we've got such a full house.

Maybe it should be someone who doesn't have kids.

I know this is not gonna be easy, but we're family, and this is what we do for each other.

Well, you know...

We're still gonna be family tomorrow, so I think we should think about it overnight and search our hearts, and try to figure out which one of your homes is best for Ana.

Gabrielle's right.

And please know that I won't judge any of you harshly if you decide that you cannot take care of my beautiful granddaughter.

We love you, aunt Connie!


What are you doing?

I'm helping.

I don't need any help.

And besides, my parisian salad doesn't call for any chives.

Yes. I've always thought it was a bit bland.

I think the chives will give it the bite it's so sorely lacking.

My salad has plenty of bite.

So... when are you moving out?

Actually, I'm not.

Excuse me?

Oh, I've decided to stay so we can work on our marriage.

Am I cutting these too fine?

Orson, I understand this is a shock, but you have to face facts. Our marriage is over.

Ah, once you weigh what's at stake, I think you'll change your mind.

Well, if you're referring to the financial settlement, I already told you, I don't care anymore.

No, actually, I'm referring to your freedom.

I've been to jail, Bree.

Trust me, you wouldn't last ten seconds.

Jail? Yes, of course.

Well, insurance fraud is a serious crime. Ah, but I never filed an insurance claim.

Ah, but I did.

What?! Yes, I thought we were robbed.

So, of course, I did the responsible thing and reported it...

On both our behalves.

And since you rather carelessly rented the storage unit under your own name, I think the police will find me completely blameless.

You would actually send your wife to prison?

My wife? No.

My ex-wife? You bet.

But it won't come to that, darling.

I know we can get back to what we both once had.

That will never happen.

And sure we've had our challenges...

Your penchant for emasculation, my kleptomania.

But every marriage has its ebb and flow.

Orson, please don't do this.

I don't love you.

That's all right, darling.

I have enough love for the both of us.

Mmm! Not bland anymore.

The girls are sacked out. Can we talk now?

What's there to talk about?

You won't even let the girls get a golden retriever, and now you wanna take in a teenager? It's not about what I want.

It's about doing the right thing.

This is what family does for each other. Well, luckily, it's a big family.

Let her go live with Nina and Luis. They have eight kids.

So what's one more?

They'll never know the difference. You're being selfish.

No, I'm thinking about our children. They're so happy.

Taking in a kid we don't even know? That's a huge risk.

Yeah, it's the same risk my aunt Connie took for me and my mother.

When my father left, mamá and I had nowhere else to turn.

Aunt Connie opened her home to us.

She saved us from the streets. Yeah, and knowing aunt Connie, she's waited all these years to call that favor in.

She's probably dying on purpose.

Babe, we are so blessed.

This is a chance for us to give back.

Maybe god gave me back my sight and all this money so I could help my family.

Gaby, think about it.

If something happened to us, wouldn't you want someone to do this for our two girls?

Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. You're a little drunk there.

That's 'cause I love you, Lynette!

I love you, too, baby. Here you go.

And I love you, Preston.

I'm Porter.

I could never tell you two apart.

But you're my favorite.


How come you let me drink so many margaritas?

Yeah, and why did we have to stay till closing?

It's almost 2:00. Who cares what time it is?

We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.


Hoo! Hey, someone called.

Tom Scavo, this is Mr. Cummings.

We met during your tour of the campus.

Forgive me, but I gave you the wrong date for the admissions test.

It's tomorrow at 8:00 A.M.

Oh, cram! I gotta crap for that test!

Ooh, jeez.

They're on to you.

Those messages you sent to my receptionist didn't fool anybody.

They've identified my body, and now they're trying to trap you.

It's not gonna work.

They can trace those signals, Dave.

They're going to find you.

It's too late.

Whatever plan you had, it went to hell when you killed me.

You should've stayed on your meds.

Y-You don't know what you're talking about.

I'm getting away with this. Why would you want to?

I don't mean to criticize, but I thought you were doing this for us.

I am.

I want justice for our family.

Then who cares if you're caught?

We miss you, Dave.

We should be together.


What are you saying?

So I should just... Walk over and kill M.J. Now?

Sure. Why not?

And let's face it, your plan to take the kid to some lake and pretend he accidentally drowned?


Hey, isn't it better than Susan know why her son had to die?

I mean, the whole point is to make her suffer.


That's true.

And then the whole world will finally understand what you've been going through.

Yeah, that's it! Good job.

One more just like that.

Ooh. Hey. Um, can I talk to you a sec?

Yeah. Sure.

I'm gonna get some juice. You want anything?

Um, no, thanks.

So, look, uh...

I'm sorry if I was a little under-enthusiastic the other day about you and Katherine getting married.

Oh, well, I understand.

You just found out your fiancé was being deported.

The timing kind of sucked.

Yeah. That and, uh...

I don't know. It d-did kind of come out of nowhere.

Well, we have been living together.

I know.

But still... I mean, it happened so fast.

I just...

I wanna make sure that you know what you're doing.


I know. And feel free to throw me out of your house if I'm out of line...

But do you love her?

Why would you ask that?

Just answer the question.


I love her.


That's all I needed to hear.

Well, I hope that you will be very happy together.

And I hope everything works out for you and Jackson.

Yeah, well, I don't know if that's gonna happen.

What do you mean? You two aren't getting married?

Oh, the truth is, um...

Well, it's complicated.

Hey, Susan!

M.j. Told me you were here. What are you guys talking about?

We were talking about you, actually.

Me? What about me?


I realized that I never properly congratulated you on getting married.



Hey, babe. How'd the test go?

It's as though...

I dug down deep and I found a new level of suck that I never knew I had in me.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.


I puked Tequila in the parking lot, I-I passed out twice in the essay section, and I giggled uncontrollably when I read the word "uranus."

Add to that that I'm pretty sure that I spelled "Scavo" wrong, and it is a safe bet that I will not be broadening my horizons anytime soon.


Don't sweat it.

You wanted to learn Chinese...

Mm, we'll get you a book.

Mandarin is a very complicated language.

You can't get the kind of fluency you need for the professional marketplace from a book.


That's the whole point.

China is one of the world's fastest growing economies.

The opportunities for someone with my marketing experience who can speak the language are amazing.

I mean, we're talking beaucoup bucks.

I could've totally reinvented myself.


A brilliant plan.

Why didn't you tell me this?

What does it matter?

It's over.

I'm sorry I let you down.


You're getting married this weekend?

Yeah. That's the good thing about Vegas.

Doesn't require any planning. Oh, my gosh.

You know what? Why don't you come with us?

You could be my maid of honor.

That's ridiculous, isn't it?

It's sweet, but...

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

And besides, um, m.j. And I have big plans this weekend.

Hey, Dave.

Glad I caught you.

Is your friend's boat still available this weekend?


Well, I was thinking about what you said, and you were right.

It really would do me good to get out of here for a few days.

You're right.

It would do us all some good.


You have no idea how much this means to me, knowing that you and Gaby will be looking after my beautiful Ana.

I can finally be at peace.


I love you, too.

And tell Gaby I said thank you.


So... are you gonna tell him the truth about Ana?

Oh, they'll find out soon enough.


Hi. I'm trying to reach Roberta simmonds.

Speaking, but barely. Who's this?

This is Claire cormier, Dr. Heller's receptionist.

Do you remember me?

Yeah, sure.

But I'm right in the middle of my breakfast, so if you'd call me back around 11:00... I just thought you might wanna know the police stopped by.

They told me that Dr. Heller is dead.

Yeah, go on. I'm listening.

Dr. Heller died in a fire at the white horse?

And apparently, there was no smoke in his lungs.

Which means he was dead before the fire started.

My guess?

The person he was coming to see is the person who killed him.



Roberta, what are we gonna do? Go to the police.

And tell 'em what? Well, we know Dr. Heller was a criminal psychologist, and we're pretty sure Dave was his patient.

I'd feel better if we had proof.

I'd feel better if I had a functioning liver, but sometimes you have to play the hand you're dealt.

If we walk into the police with a half-cocked story, they're gonna laugh us out of the station.

I don't know how, but we... we gotta give 'em something more.

Didn't you tell me Dave once broke into your house?

Yeah. Why?

Maybe it's time we returned the favor.

You know, when you missed your appointment on Monday, we thought maybe you skipped out on us.

Yeah, well, as you can see, I was otherwise detained.

You know this guy?


Who is he?

Samuel Heller... the John Doe who died in the club fire.

You sure you didn't see him when you were in that back hallway?


Well, like I told you that night, I was only back there for a minute.

And you didn't see anybody?

Aw, jeez, it was a long time ago.

No. I was looking for the men's room.

I ran into Dave Williams.

He was coming out of the storage room...

Wait. You saw Dave Williams coming out of the storage room?


Didn't I tell you that before?

I thought it was the bathroom, but Dave pointed me in the right direction.

And right after that, somebody locked you in.

Come on. You don't think Dave did that.

I don't know. He have any reason to harm you?


We're friends.

He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Braddock.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.

How many times we talk to this Williams guy?

Oh, I don't know. Four?

He ever mention anything about being in that storage room?

He did not.

And I'm gonna catch a fish this big.

Well, if you do, we're gonna clean it and serve it up for dinner. And if I don't, can we eat the worms?

Just make sure he catches a fish.

Hey, Mike, I got something for you.

It's a video from our band, one of our early rehearsals.

Man, do I even want to see this?

Yeah. We weren't half bad.

Don't watch it till you get back from your honeymoon. Okay?

Will do. Thanks.


Bye, Mike.

Have a nice wedding.


You take good care of my boy, okay?

You can count on me.