Desperate Housewives S5E24 Script

If It's Only in Your Head (2009)

Previously on...

You're a beautiful, elegant, classy woman.

There's no way you're gonna end up alone. Bree prepared for divorce, but Orson had other plans.

You know, insurance fraud is a serious crime. You would actually send your wife to prison?

My wife? No. My ex-wife? You bet.

Now you wanna take in a teenager? Carlos did the right thing.

This is what family does for each other. Dr. Heller's dead.

Amateur sleuths...

My guess... the person he was coming to see is the person who killed him. Zeroed in on their prey.

Dave. I had to kill M.J. Delfino.

And Dave made a video. Don't watch it till you get back from honeymoon.

Have a nice wedding. Thanks.

You take good care of my boy, okay?

You can count on me.

The first thing Lila dash thought about that fateful morning was her husband Dave.

It occurred to her she should buy him a new tie.

She thought of her husband again that afternoon...

And decided she would make him something special for dinner.

That evening, Lila once again thought about her husband...

And she asked herself what she had done to deserve someone so wonderful.

Hey, you. What are you thinking about?


So what do you say we all go out for ice cream?

Oh, I'd love to, but I brought work home.


I know. I'm so boring.

Hey, why don't you two go?

No. We'll all go tomorrow.

Now how can you make this face wait a whole day for ice cream?

Look sad.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh, fine.

I'll take her now.

Come on, sweetie.

Hey, how about tomorrow night, I'll leave my briefcase at the office, and we do something special, just the three of us?

It's a date.

But there would be no tomorrows for Lila and Paige dash...

Because that was the night they crashed...

Into Susan and Mike Delfino.

The last thing Lila dash thought about before she died was her husband Dave.

She wondered what her death would do to him.

Luckily for Lila, she would never know.

There was a wedding recently at Fairview presbyterian church.

The minister spoke about the nature of marriage and then said what all ministers say to conclude such matters.

You may now kiss the bride.

It was then the church bells began to ring, telling brides-to-be everywhere their turn was next.

Hello, groom.

Guess what?

I called the hotel to tell them we were getting married.

They promised to upgrade us to a suite and have champagne on ice.

Isn't that terrific? Yeah. Yeah, that's great.

Wow, I hope you can muster up a little more enthusiasm for the "I dos."

I'm sorry. I'm just thinking about Susan and M.J.


Well, when they left, I just got a weird vibe from Dave.

Dave always gives off a weird vibe. That's just Dave.

No, I-I think I should call 'em.

Or maybe you should get our bags in the car so we don't miss our flight? Because if we miss our flight, we're going to miss our wedding day, and if we miss our wedding day, we're gonna miss our wedding night.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm probably worried about nothing. I'll load the car.

Uh, we need to stop at the store.

I have to get videotape for the camera. Oh, I got some old ones in the desk.

Just grab one. We'll record over it.

She's two blocks away. She'll be here any second.


Are you nervous?

Why would I be nervous?

Well, you're about to have a teenager in the house.

Well, I didn't say I wasn't sedated.

Yeah, I'm a little freaked out, too.

But we're doing the right thing.

Yeah, when I think about everything that little girl's been through...

Her dad walked out, her mother's in jail, the way she bounced from relative to relative...

I just want this to be the end of the line for her. Me, too.

Mommy, here comes the taxi!

I wonder if she'll even remember me.

Oh, I doubt it. You haven't seen her since she was 6.

Yeah, and when she was little, I used to spend a lot of time with her and her dad before he left.

I remember taking her on the swings at the park.

I remember buying her ice cream.

I remember giving her piggyback rides. Ohh.

I don't remember that.

You told him about the divorce? I had to. He found the storage unit.

He wanted an explanation.

I was in such a state of shock, I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Bree, this isn't good. You have no idea.

Now he's saying if I try to divorce him, he can go to the police and report me.

Report you? For what? Filing a false insurance claim.

He's the one who filed it, but he's gonna say that I told him to.

Oh, crap. I told him I don't love him. He said he doesn't care.

He wants us to work on our marriage.

Oh, wow. Well, clearly, the guy's a little crazy.

A little? The man put chives in my parisian salad!

He should be in a straightjacket!

Okay, calm down. This isn't the end of the world.

Isn't it?

I'm being blackmailed by a man I'm starting to despise, and if I don't pretend to love him, he can have me arrested.


I don't want you to worry about this.

We're gonna think of something.

What can we think of? He's holding all the cards.

Trust me. No one ever holds all the cards.

Lynette, get down here!

What's going on? I just got off the phone with the university.

Mm-hmm? I'm in!

Really?! You passed the test?!

Not only did I pass the test, your genius husband scored in the top 5%, drunk out of his mind!


Which, by the way, I am not condoning... ever.

Congrats, dad!

Thank you, baby. Mwah!

I can help you study if you want.

I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be.

I'm majoring in Chinese.

I know how to say "take me to a strip bar" in mandarin.

I'm so proud.

Porter, aren't you gonna congratulate your father?

Congratulations on ruining my life.

If you see me on campus, you're not allowed to talk to me.

Okay, that's everyone.

This calls for hot fudge sundaes.

Everybody... in the car!

Okay. Ohh! Mwah!

You coming? Uh, I'm gonna make a quick phone call, and I'll be right out. Okay.

Hi. This is Lynette Scavo.

May I please speak to Dr. Rushton?

Tell him it's important.

Hi. Dr. Rushton, I need to come in and see you as soon as possible.

I think the cancer's back.

Mommy, can I have a juice box?

Oh, sweetie. You just had one, and we don't want to have to stop ten times so you can go to the bathroom.

I miss diapers.

Oh, the joys of being a parent.

Yeah, I remember.

You do?

I had a little girl.

She died.

Oh, my god. I...

I-I had no idea. I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

I'm learning to deal with it.

I can't believe Edie gave you a key. Why not? She trusted me.

And I only used it when I was out of milk or bread...

Or cash.

Okay, look for anything that could tie Dave to Dr. Heller.

Look through his files, his papers, even his trash.

Roberta, what are you doing?

We're trying to catch a murderer. I know, but before I get to the bottom of that, I'd like to get to the bottom of this.

Oh, look!

Oh! Muscle relaxers... score!

Put that back! They're not yours.

Yeah, apparently, they're not his either. Who's David dash?

Mr. Williams? It's the police.

Oh! Oh, cheese it!

We need to ask you a few questions.

Please tell me you doesn't have anything illegal on you. I do, but it's hidden.

And if they find it, we got a lawsuit.


Open up, please.

Uh, hi there. Can I help you?

Well, I hope so. Are you Orson Hodge?

Yes, I am. You are...

You want me to let go?

You want me to let go?


There, I let go.

Now you gotta do the same. I don't know what you mean.

Oh, I think you do, and I am dead serious.

If you don't let go...

Next time, neither will I.

Brought you a laundry basket.

You need me to show you how to use the washer?

It's my clever way of saying you're gonna be doing your own laundry.

Oh. Okay.

You know, the girls have chores, too.

It's how we teach 'em responsibility.

Speaking of which, uh...

Curfew's 10:00, 11:00 on weekends.

Does that seem reasonable?

Sure. No problem.


This teenager thing isn't so bad.

So what are my other chores?

Oh, well, not to push my luck, but I was thinking you could sweep the front porch and take care of the guest bathroom.

You got it.

Oh, that's a pretty dress.

Oh, my god, it's versace!

Yeah. It's all right.

"All right"? Young lady, if you live under my roof, you will not disparage versace.


No, I'm just kidding. It was a joke.

Oh. Funny.

Well, I guess I'm gonna get started on my laundry.

Vera wang!

Where are you getting all these dresses?

They were gifts.

You know, from boyfriends.

Boyfriends? How many do you have?

Not as many as I used to. I had to make some cutbacks.

Yeah, the economy has hit us all.


What kind of boyfriends can afford things like this?

They're college guys with rich parents who can pay for everything.

Uh-huh. And so... they give you designer clothes, and you give them...

The pleasure of my company.

Yeah. Okay, well...

Don't take this the wrong way, but that's not exactly from the versace virgin line.

I don't have to do anything.

They just have to think I might.

Uh-huh, and how long do you think that will last?

Till 10:00, 11:00 on the weekends.

Just kidding. It was a joke.



Are you all right?

What happened to your shirt?

Why don't you ask your friend?

The one you hired to assault me.

You were assaulted?

He, uh...

Grabbed me by the throat, threw me to the ground and told me to "let go."

Your message came through loud and clear.

I had nothing to do with that.

Oh, please.

Who else would have done it?

I don't know.

But I swear to you, we may have our differences, but I would never hire someone to attack you.

You have to believe me.

I do.

Forgive me.

I should've known you could never hurt me.

I'll stay.


Once I've unpacked, I'll bring you my shirt so you can mend it.

We're just running to the store, Ana. We'll be back in a bit.

Okay. I'll sweep the porch while you're gone. And if you don't mind, will you make sure Juanita and Celia do their chores, too?

Sure thing.

I got the rest, babe.

All right, I'll see you inside.

Oh, you're back.

Oh, my god.

Ana, the house is so clean.

Just wanted to do my part.

Well, how did you get everything down so quickly?


We finished upstairs, Ana. Anything else you need done?

They wanted to hang out, but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me.

Aren't they sweet?

Hey, um, I'm not bragging and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.

Okay, boys, thanks for your hard work, but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower...

Preferably a cold one.

Bye, Preston.

I'm Porter. I'm Preston.

Oh, you can call me whatever you want. All right.

Mommy, it was so cool.

Ana got the boys to do my chores, too.

Did she?

I wanna learn how to make boys do stuff. Can you teach me?

Uh, okay, Juanita, go to your room.

And don't come out until you're 18.

Is something wrong?

Ana, the whole point of chores is that you do them.

You don't bat your eyes and call rent-a-horny-kid.

The house is clean. What do you care how it got that way?

I care about the message it sends to my little girls, and I'm starting to care a little bit about your tone. Oh, I'm sorry.

How do you like your housekeepers to speak to you?

And the teenager has finally arrived.

Ana, listen.

We want you to be part of this family.

We will love you and support you and take care of you, but in exchange, you will show us a little bit of respect and obey our rules, which means doing your own chores, no boys in the house and no more gifts from men.

I get it now.

You're jealous.

Of what?

Of me.

You're not young anymore.

You can't get guys to do things for you, and that drives you crazy.

You wanna see crazy?

Make one more statement like that, and I am throwing your ass out on the street.

You care to test me?

Ana? What's wrong?

I don't know what I did. She wants to kick me out.

So she had a couple boys come over and do her chores.

You've been doing stuff like that your whole life.

That's not the point! You didn't hear the way she talked to me! I don't care!

You don't tell a kid who's been bounced around her whole life that you're gonna throw her out on the street! I didn't tell her that!

I just... Kind of threatened to.

Bottom line... she is my niece, and she is not going anywhere.

You're the adult, Gaby. Start acting like it.

I know this looks bad, but we did what we did for a good reason.

Ma'am, you can't break into a person's house for any reason.

Uh, what if there's a baby inside and there's a fire?


See? Everything's not all cut and dry, is it, rookie?

Roberta, don't piss him off.

You can't take a club to the head like you used to.

Okay, I just got off the phone with Heller's secretary.

David dash was definitely a patient there.

Well, that's why we couldn't make the match. Mm-hmm.

He changed his last name. Mm-hmm, and get this.

He's the same guy whose wife and daughter were killed in that car crash up on canterbury road. Canterbury road!

I remember that accident.

My neighbors Mike and Susan were in the car that hit 'em.

Oh, wait. Now wait. Okay, that's weird.

I mean, why would Dave move onto the same street as the people who killed his family?

The doctor has your results. He'll be here in a minute.

Do you know what they are?

You'll need to talk to the doctor about that.

Come on. I know you know. It's cancer again. Am I right?

I honestly don't know.

Now please, he'll just be a moment.

If it's cancer, and I find out you knew, I won't be dying alone.

Hello, Lynette.


Well, I'm glad you came in. We got the results back, and the test did pick something up.

So it is the cancer.

Oh, god, I can't go through this again!

No, no, no. It's nothing like that.

You're pregnant.

Excuse me?

About six weeks or so.

Are you sure it's not cancer?

Okay, Susan.

But when you're out on the boat, make sure you put on sunscreen.

And on your feet, too. Remember our trip to Mexico?

Okay, I'll talk to you guys later.

Everything's fine.

I don't know what I was worried about.


Are you sure you wanna do this?

Do what?

Go to Vegas, get married.

I mean, it is a whole weekend away from Susan.

Katherine, I told you.

I just wanted to make sure M.J. Was okay. Why don't you just admit it?

You're still hung up on her. Oh, for god sake, are we gonna do this again?

All I know is, it's our wedding day, and you were in a crappy mood until you talked to your ex-wife.

Katherine, I wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't want to marry you. Okay?



Do I need to shout it out in the airport?

You wouldn't do that. Oh, I will.

I'll... I'll do whatever I need to, to prove my love! No, it's okay!

You convinced me.

I am dying for a cappuccino. You want one?

Yeah, I do.

You said it. "I do."

Can't take it back now.

...Should be allowed to just... walk away.

I know some people will wonder, why didn't I just kill Susan?

But what good would that have done?

She'd be dead. There'd be no... suffering.

And to those of you who hate me because I took the life of an innocent, young boy, I say...


Excuse me. Mm-hmm?

That woman I was with? Tell her I had to go. It's an emergency.

Oh, uh, your friend asked me to tell you he had to leave.


He said to say he's sorry.

What were you thinking? First, tell me if it worked, then I'll tell you what I was thinking.

Don't be glib. Did you hire someone to attack Orson?


Are you insane? Your thug tried to strangle him.

If he had tried to strangle him, he'd be dead.

Look, Orson had the upper hand in this divorce.

We needed to regain it. Not by resorting to physical violence.

I would never have given my permission for that. That's why I didn't ask you.

W-What's your beef here, Bree?

My beef is that from the minute I walked into this office, you have pulled me deeper and deeper into your moral cesspool. That is not why I hired you.

Please. That is exactly why you hired me.

Face it. You were tired of being a good girl.

You knew it was time to play dirty.

I wanted to protect what was mine.

You have turned me into someone I don't recognize. And you've loved every minute of it.

No, I haven't. Yes, you have!

And so have I.

Because the truth is, I think you're the most fascinating woman that I have ever met.



If I have not been clear about how I feel about you, I apologize for any ambiguity.

Understand this... I detest you.

No, you don't. I can see it in your eyes.

You want me to walk over there and pull you up against me and kiss you until your knees buckle.

You're fired.

Good. That keeps this from being a breach of ethics.


My knees haven't buckled yet.

♪ she swallowed the spider to catch the fly ♪ Oh! ♪ I don't know why she swa... ♪ Oh, it's your daddy. Hey, Mike.

Hey! Hey, where are you? Are you with Dave? Uh, yeah. We are in the car, singing.

All right, Susan, listen to me. Do not react to what I'm about to tell you. Wow.

This sounds really... Susan! Do you understand me?


Dave's real name is David dash.

He's the husband of the woman we killed in the accident. Oh, my god.

Don't react!

Uh... problem?

Uh... that sucks.

How could they cancel your flight? All right, you guys are in danger.

Just get away from him. Go to a gas station, a store...

Anyplace there's people. I'm on my way.


So how long do you think you'll be delayed?

Uh, I'm a half-hour from the lake.

I'm calling the cops right now. Just get away from him.

Get out of that car and get away from Dave.

And you call me the second you do. Okay.

Um... well, I hope you get there soon.

Bumped his flight?

Yeah. Oh, what a drag.

Mm. Okay, from the top.

♪ there was an old lady who swallowed a fly ♪

♪ I don't know why she swallowed the fly ♪

♪ perhaps she'll die ♪

Gosh, it feels like we've been driving forever.

Mm. Maybe we should stretch our legs.

Ah, we're almost there. Let's keep going.

Aren't you hungry, though?

Maybe there's a restaurant up ahead.

I really don't want to stop, Susan.


It's no big deal.


Look what I got for college. I got pens. I got notebooks.

Ooh, I got an English to mandarin dictionary

'cause you never know when you might need a...

Oh, and look at this.

Check it out.

They're scented. You wanna smell grape?

What? They're...

Like candy.

I went to the doctor today.

What's wrong?

I'm pregnant.


With a baby?

How long have you been sniffing those markers?

Of course with a baby.

But you can't. I mean... w-we can't.

W-We're old!

Well, apparently, not old enough.

What am I gonna do about school?

What am I gonna do about my job?

We're gonna have another baby.

Actually, I have an addendum to that.

Please tell me you're about to recite the girl scout oath.

No, Tom.

We're having twins...


I have to go potty.

Okay, sweetie.

Do you mind pulling over at the next rest stop?

We're almost there, buddy. Can you hold it? No. I really have to go.


Just hold on a few more minutes.

Oh. Um...


He... he can't go here.

Come on, M.J. Let's go.

Um, can't we find a gas station or maybe a diner?

He's a big boy. He can use the bushes.

Okay. Here, M.J. Wait for me. Don't go too far.


Dave, detective Collins with the Fairview p.D.

We know everything.

I-I'm sorry. What are you... Heller, your wife, your child. All of it.

If you come in now, I'll do everything I can to help you.

But let's end this before someone gets hurt.


Keys... oh.


Aah! M.J., run!

Come on, honey! Let's run! Let's run!

Why are we running?

We're playing a game with Dave, okay?

So run as fast as you can. Ow! Ow!

Are you okay?

Aah! Ow! I'm fine.

Susan! M.J.!

Okay, listen.

It's really important that you win this game.

So I want you to find a good hiding place, and even if you hear Dave, you don't come out no matter what, okay? Okay?

Don't worry. I'm gonna hide, too. Now go.



Where is he?

You are not gonna mess this up!

Aah! Aah! We are too close to the finish line!

Now call him!

Call him.


Don't come out!


You wanna go fishing, don't you, buddy?

Well, if you don't come out now, we're gonna get there too late!

I'll let you drive the boat!

Okay, if you don't come out right now, we're gonna leave without you.

You don't wanna be in this scary graveyard after dark, do ya?

All right, M.J., we're leaving!

Mommy, wake up. I get to drive the boat.

Now keep the volume really high.

You don't wanna hear all the boring grown-up talk.

Buckle up.

What are you gonna do to us?

Shut up. I'm trying to think.

Dave, please...

I'm so sorry about that accident.

You don't wanna hurt M.J. Or me.

You're a good person. I know you. Don't analyze me.

The last guy who tried that didn't do so well.

Well, you won't get away with it.

Mike already called the cops. They're on their way. Enough!

Susan? Where are you?

Not up at the lake.

You kind of screwed up my plans here, Mike. Mike!

Oh, and, uh, Susan says hello.

Okay, Dave, take it easy.

You want revenge?

Let Susan and M.J. Go. Take me instead.

How does it feel, Mike, to know that you can't save the people that you love?


Like your entire life has no meaning?

Dave, please.

I-I can't be that far behind you. I'm on route 12.

You're on route 12?

Yeah. Yeah, come on.

You don't wanna hurt them. Let me be the one.

You're right. You should be the one.

So we've got a deal?

If I see one cop car, they're both dead.

No cops. You just tell me where to meet you.

Keep heading south.

There's an abandoned gas station past the intersection of route 12 and canterbury road.

Canterbury road? That's where we...

Yeah, it is.

Look familiar?

What are you gonna do to us?

Why did you bring us here?

I thought it would be poetic.

Mike should be here any minute.

Dave, please. Don't hurt Mike.

It wasn't his fault.

No. It was your fault.

But he wants to be the hero, so...

Get out.

I'm not leaving M.J.

M.j.'s coming. I need to set you up first. Get out.


Try not to scare M.J. When you bring him here.

Actually, change of plans.


M.j.'s staying with me.

He and I are gonna pull into that intersection just as Mike comes barreling down that road.

Oh, my god.

And you're gonna stay there and watch as Mike kills your child, just like you killed mine.

I told you it was poetic.

Dave, please. Please.

I cannot imagine the pain you went through, but you can't do this. You can't kill my little boy!

Shut up.

What if your daughter could see you now?!

Is this how you'd want her to see you?!

As a monster who could murder an innocent child?!

I'm not a monster.

Dave! Dave!

You don't need that.

You're a big boy now.




Mike! Mike!






Oh, god! Are you okay?

Dave told me to get out of the car.





So what do you say we all go out for ice cream?

Oh, I'd love to, but I brought work home.


I know. I'm so boring.

Hey, why don't you two go?

Oh, fine. I'll take her now.

Come on, sweetie.


Don't go.

We have marshmallows and chocolate.

I can make s'mores.

Would you like that, my little Princess?



You sure?

You said you had work.

It can wait.

I always have time for my girls.

I always have time for my girls.

There was a wedding recently at Fairview presbyterian church.

The minister spoke about the nature of marriage...

The sublime joy of giving birth...

The immense pleasure of raising a family...

The importance of fidelity...

And then he said what all ministers say to conclude such matters...

You may now kiss the bride.

For a moment, the groom wondered if he was doing the right thing.

That's when the bells began to ring, telling him he had.