Desperate Housewives S5E5 Script

Mirror, Mirror (2008)

Previously on...

My name is Bree, and I am an alcoholic.

Bree put her problem behind her.

There's at least one employer who'd love to hire me. Who?

Orson asked for a job. You.

Dave lost his temper... Damn it, Edie! I said no!

And aroused the suspicion... This guy is up to something.

Of his neighbor. It was all Karen McCluskey's fault.

She kept asking me all this stuff about your background.

She reminds me of my grandmother when we first started to notice.

The dementia, that is. You think Karen's going senile?

It could have been such a lovely evening.

You see, the idea was to have a surprise birthday party.

People would bring food and gifts and wait in the dark for the guest of honor to arrive.

But it turned out to be a night full of surprises...

The kind most people don't care for.

Damn it, Lynette. Why do you have to be such a buzz kill?

Why can't you, just once, give me a little support?

Fine. I'll get you a towel.

For what?

If I was with another woman, that wouldn't bother you?

No, it wouldn't.

Mm.

I'm sorry that I lied, and for what it's worth, the guilt has been tearing me apart.

Get your hands off me, you selfish son of a bitch!

Orson, please. You're putting me in an impossible position.

Then let me make it simpler for you.

I want a divorce.

Oh, yes, it could have been such a lovely evening, but this was one party that was over...

Before it even began.

Surprise!

You think you can screw with me?

Uhh!

Moments before she was to leave for the party, Gabrielle Solis was at her mirror, halfheartedly putting the final touches on her lips.

You see, a problem had come to her attention...

Damn.

One she couldn't gloss over.

Mommy, what are you doing?

Uh, well, mommy has a friend who visits her every month, and she's late, and that's bad.

Why? Because she's the one who assures me that you won't get a baby brother or sister. But I want a little brother.

I don't care.

Oh, sorry.

It's just... Mommy really misses her friend, and mommy's gonna be really sad if her friend doesn't show up soon.

Now go downstairs and play. Mommy has some praying to do.

Well, I have your test results.

Congratulations. You're pregnant.

Aah!

Mrs. Solis.

I don't care. You told me this couldn't happen.

You said it was impossible! The human reproductive system is complicated and often unpredictable.

Sometimes miracles happen.

This isn't a miracle. This is a disaster.

My husband's blind. Neither one of us have jobs.

My husband's blind.

Trust me. Children are a blessing.

You'll see. It'll all work out.

Well, I hope to god you're right.

And what does this number mean anyway?

That's your beta number, and it's high, which indicates the possibility of twins.

Ow!

Gaby, relax. This baby is gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us. I am so sick of everybody looking at the glass half-full.

The glass is empty, people, and so is our bank account.

Is that what you're worried about... money?

Look, I'll get a job.

What are you gonna do, take up piano and get a contract with motown?

Actually, I was thinking about becoming a masseur.

You don't need your eyes for that. It's all about the touch.

Well, I guess that's not the worst idea you've ever had.

But it's not just about the money, Carlos.

It's...

Oh, after my miscarriage, I gave up on this dream.

I just figured god decided I couldn't possibly be a good mom, so he didn't make it happen.

Well, he obviously changed his mind.

Well, I wish he'd stop doing that.

Nobody likes a fickle god.

Babe, believe me.

You getting pregnant is... is... Is a one-in-a-million shot.

It's a miracle.

Now let's embrace it and celebrate.

Hello, Mrs. Solis.

I have your test results.

Great. So do I have anemia?

Is that why I've been so tired?

No. Not exactly.

And please don't slap me.

I'm pregnant! Oh, my god. It's another miracle.

Yeah, we're up to two miracles, and if you come back from the dead after I kill you, it'll be three. W-Why you mad at me?

"Oh, Gaby, why do I need to wear a condom?

There's no way lightning's gonna strike twice."

Well, I didn't think it would.

Put the baby down, Carlos.

I don't want to.

Do it. I need to hit something, and it needs to be you.

You are looking at this all wrong.

This is one-in-a-million.

We should... we should celebrate and embrace...

Oh, cram it, you fertile freak.

You're getting a vasectomy.

I can't do that.

We're catholic. It's against our religion.

I got news for you. We just converted to judaism.

Problem solved. Mazel tov!

Gaby, it's not just that. There are other reasons...

I am done fighting off your bionic sperm.

You're getting snipped, and that's final.

You're awfully quiet tonight.

Got a lot on my mind.

I think I'm pregnant.

What?

I know. It's crazy. You had a vasectomy. It's impossible.

Yeah. So what makes you think you're pregnant?

My period's late, and that never happens to me.

I'm like a Swiss clock. Oh, come on. There could be a lot of reasons for that.

So let's not worry about it right now.

We're going to a party. You gotta lighten up.

Okay. But I'm gonna talk to Bob. Bob? Why?

Because he and Lee are here. Bob's an attorney.

I'm gonna get him to sue the quack who obviously botched your vasectomy.

Oh, Gaby, let's not go there. Hiring an attorney's expensive, and I don't know that we can prove anything.

Well, I'm gonna find out.

Fine. But...

Let's not talk to Bob.

I don't want our neighbors involved in our business.

Oh, don't worry. He's a professional.

He'll keep it confidential.

Gaby, no. You can't talk to him.

Why the hell not? I never got a vasectomy.

Hi, guys. Welcome to the party.

Earlier that evening, as she waited for her guests to arrive, Susan Mayer took a moment to do her eyebrows.

Of course, she had no way of knowing just how high those eyebrows...

Sorry I'm late. Would soon be raised.

What took you so long? People are gonna be here any minute.

I need you to pour the cheap vodka into the expensive bottles. I couldn't find my pants.

I'm here so much that when I go back to my place, I can't remember where anything is. Well, just please change your shirt.

You know, I've been thinking that I spend so much time with you now anyway that... fine. You can have a little space in the closet.

I think I've got some clothes from the '80s I'm ready to part with. Actually, I'm talking about moving in.

Moving in? Here?

Yeah. That's where we're headed.

We should take the plunge. What do you think?

So obviously, this is the bedroom.

Right. So do you want to stick with this color or switch it up or what?

I don't know. Um...

I'm sort of going through a difficult transition in my life right now.

I need a change.

Uh, I was thinking...

Taupe.

Sounds good.

You know, I like this place.

It's got a good vibe.

Uh, thanks.

And a nice scent. What is that, your perfume?

Get out.

Excuse me?

I was not born yesterday, pal. You're coming on to me.

No, I'm not.

Oh, please. Telling me I smell good?

I'm not even wearing deodorant. I said the house smells good.

Semantics.

And then the not so subtle sit-on-the-bed maneuver?

You know, why not just ask for a massage?

I sat because my feet hurt from you dragging me around for an hour, telling me you want to paint every room taupe. You said you liked it.

Look, you're obviously going through a rough patch.

I was afraid if I suggested anything outside the beige family, I might send you over the edge.

I'll let myself out.

No. No, don't go.

That was very sweet of you to consider my feelings.

You know what?

You're hired.

Uh, thanks...

I think.

So do you need to look these over one more time?

Okay, then just sign them, and you'll be officially divorced.

You know what? We need a minute.

Take your time.

Are we doing the right thing here?

You're kidding me, right?

Once we sign these papers, there's no going back.

I can't believe this.

You were the one who called the lawyer.

I know.

I'm thinking...

That maybe that was a mistake.

We've been separated for a year.

All we're doing today is making it official.

We wouldn't be here if it weren't for that accident.

You know that. Before that, we were good.

We could get back there.

Susan...

It's nobody's fault, but I can't do this anymore.

Oh, come on!

We were Mike and Susan, remember?

You only get one of those in a lifetime.

We could make things right again.

Yeah.

And here's how.

Hey. You're back.

So what do you think?

Uh... it... it looks good.

Yeah, I-I-I think you were right to stick with this color.

It looks fantastic.

Thanks.

Do you like scotch?

Okay...

I need to be honest about something.

H-Honest? Okay.

I don't usually do this kind of thing, hook up like this, out of the blue.

Not that it wasn't great, 'cause it was, but I'm not really looking to start anything.

Work is crazy, and I just got a dog, and...

I'm just not in that place right now.

So just to be clear, you're saying you don't want a relationship?

Sorry. I probably should have said that right up front.

No, uh...

It's fantastic.

Really?

I don't want a relationship either.

All I want from you is exactly what we just did.

Except next time, it's Susan.

Yeah.

"Mrs. Mayer" was probably a little formal for the moment.

So there's gonna be a next time?

Unless you're not interested.

Are you kidding?

I'm this close to doing a victory lap around the bed.

So you're really fine with this, just a purely physical thing?

I gave romance a shot and...

I'm ready for something a little more casual.

Wow.

I've heard of women like you, but...

I thought you were an urban myth, hmm.

Did you hear what I said?

Uh, yeah.

You want to move in.

I-It's just that when I'm not with you, I'm waiting to be with you.

I've never felt like this before.

So... what do you think?

Do you want to live together?

Uh...

No.

So that's it? Just no?

You're not gonna give me a reason?

What's wrong with the way things are?

Why change everything now?

Because...

I've fallen in love with you.

Hi, guys. Welcome to the party.

The last thing Lynette Scavo did before a party was to check for gray hairs.

Penny!

Let's go!

Time for bath!

She had no way of knowing before this evening was over, she would have a few more.

Penny!

Oh. Penny.

If you're thinking of taking that for a spin, I've got bad news.

You're 9.

Hey, what's the matter, sweetie?

Is daddy dying?

What? Of course not.

Why would you say something like that?

I heard Porter and Preston fighting about who's gonna get daddy's car when he dies.

Oh. They're just being silly.

They're always silly.

That's why we won't be sad when they move out of the house.

Come on.

But everybody dies someday, right?

Yes, but daddy's gonna live to a ripe old age unless he doesn't get home in time for Mrs. McCluskey's party, and then all bets are off.

Oh, daddy's gonna be fine. Come on.

Hi. My husband... I'm Lynette Scavo.

Dr. Baron called me... I'm Dr. Baron.

Oh. Hi. What happened?

Your husband was working on an electrical panel at his restaurant... Uh-huh.

And received a massive shock.

Essentially, his heart stopped pumping. Oh. Is he...

Fortunately, there was a policeman eating in the restaurant.

He administered c.P.R. Until the ambulance got there.

So he's okay?

His heart restarted.

Now it's a matter of determining if there's any tissue damage.

We're optimistic, but the next 36 hours are critical.

Father o'brien, please report to the...

Hey.

Hey.

So I'm thinking no more electrical work, okay?

Huh?

The kids know everything's fine.

They send their love.

Don't worry about anything, okay? Just rest.

I'll come back soon, okay?

You know what I thought?

When I was lying there on the floor, I thought, I'm gonna die in a pizza place.

I mean, my whole life was gonna be summed up with this obituary headline...

"local pizza shop owner dies."

But it doesn't matter because you're not dying.

I need more, Lynette. I need... Th-there's gotta be more.

Okay. Okay. We'll find more.

Just rest now, okay?

Hey, sexy.

Drop the rake and get in.

What the hell is this?

This is the car that I have wanted my whole life.

When I was 12 years old, I had a poster of this baby up on my wall.

And when I was 12, I had a poster of Shaun Cassidy, but you don't see me driving around in him, do you? I want to show you something.

What, do machine guns come out of the headlights?

I carry this around to remind me of the day that I almost died.

That day you promised me that we would find more.

I'm keeping the car.

So do you want a ride?

Ooh!

Where have you been?

So help me, if McCluskey gets there before us, I will brain you. Sorry. Let's go.

Well, sheesh. Oh.

Sweetie, we already got Karen a candle.

An r.V. Might be overkill.

Yeah, but that's not for her. That's for us.

Huh?

I'm about to blow your mind, Lynette.

Oh, don't. I like my mind the way it is.

What would you say to the idea of taking the kids out of school for a year and bopping around the country in one of these sweet rides?

Well, I might not say anything.

I might just put my finger to my ear and twirl it in small circles.

We can't do something like that, Tom. Yes, we can. We can do whatever we want. Life is short.

Okay, let me ask you one tiny question about this big adventure plan of yours.

Who's gonna be running our restaurant while we're off doing the electric kool-aid acid test?

That won't be our problem. The last few weeks, I've been talking to a guy from passentino's pizza.

They want to buy us out.

This afternoon, I said yes.

Hey, guys.

You ready to party?

Moments before she was due at her friend's party, Bree Hodge was at the mirror, applying her eyeliner.

Aren't you dapper?

When I tell everyone I'm your new partner, I want to look the part. It would not be the last time that evening Bree would find herself... Um, actually, dear...

Drawing a line.

I'd rather you not talk about the job tonight.

But, Bree, this is the first party in months when I can answer the question, "what's new?"

Without mumbling into my drink. Well, it's just vulgar to discuss business at a party.

Mm. You haven't told Katherine yet, have you?

It's not that easy.

You know she'll be furious.

Yes, but the great thing about Katherine is she'll express it so passive-aggressively, we'll hardly notice.

Look, I know she's your friend, but she's also our employee.

Why is this so difficult for you?

It's... complicated.

Well... another dead soldier.

Careful, dear. You don't want to be ill tomorrow.

Yes. Nothing like a headache to spoil a perfectly nice first day in prison.

Uh, would anybody like some more frittata?

Is my wife amazing or what? I mean, how many inmates get sent off with a festive champagne brunch?

Uh, w-when you're in jail, you might want to avoid words like "festive" and "brunch."

They kind of say, "hi. I'm husband hunting."

Andrew, please.

It's fine.

This is my last taste of freedom for three years.

I want jokes. I want fun, laughter.

Anyway, prison won't be such a big change.

You're a dentist. You're used to cavity searches.

You vowed to me that you wouldn't say that.

Bree tells me that you're going to make very good use of your time away. Mm.

Uh, yes. He's going to read a lot of classic books, maybe study a language. Oh.

Yes, uh, he can learn the Italian for, "I cost five cigarettes."

Andrew, really.

Bree, he's joking. Everything's fine...

Except my glass, which seems to be empty.


Bree?

Bree?

Oh, for god sake. Get up.

We have the garden club lunch in...

You've been drinking?

Go away. I don't feel well.

We have a lunch to cater.

I'm too tired. Can you do it?

Get up.

Oh.

When did this start?

When Orson left, I...

Began having a glass of white wine now and then.

Then when Danielle took Benjamin, I didn't see any reason to stop at just one.

So is this why you missed the lunch last week and the braverman bar mitzvah?

I can't help myself, all right?

My husband's gone. My son's gone.

I have nothing left.

No, actually, you have a lunch for 40 in 3 hours, and I'm not letting you out of it. Oh, Katherine, please.

Okay, so you have a void in your life.

Welcome to the club. Don't fill it with wine.

Fill it with work, with accomplishments.

Just think about the woman you could be by the time Orson gets back.

Or is this the woman you want him to come home to?

He's gonna be so ashamed of me.

No, he won't...

Because you're not gonna tell him.

You know he'd just blame himself.

I don't know if I can make it this time.

Yes, you will, because I am moving in.

You would do that?

When I had nothing, you made me your partner.

I'm not gonna forget that.

I am gonna get you through this.

And when we're done, that scary woman over there...

She's never gonna be seen in this house again.

When you think about it, tonight is the ideal time for you to tell Katherine.

The presence of the other guests will keep her from causing a scene, and as word spreads that we're partners... and how is word going to spread?

I'll be spreading it. People will be congratulating me, and Katherine will have to join in and risk looking petty. And she'll be twice as mad at having been put in that position.

I am not telling her tonight. Fine. Then I will.

No, you will not. I forbid it. You know, for a partner, you're sounding a lot like a boss.

I am telling her. Look, if we can't agree on something this basic, maybe we shouldn't work together. What are you saying?

I'm saying, maybe you should reconsider joining the company.

I have no intention of reconsidering. Fine. You're fired.

Hey, guys. You ready to party?

The party was in full swing, and everyone was waiting to surprise the guest of honor.

Little did they know, an even bigger surprise was on its way.

Sorry I'm late. There was a line at the bakery.

Well, you really went all out.

Yeah, she deserves it.

Can I help you, Mrs. McCluskey?

This letter for Edie came to my house by mistake.

I'm making sure that none of my stuff, uh, came here.

Well, it's all yours.

Hey.

Anything interesting?

Fortunately, no.

I just saw your friend Karen outside.

Is she still asking you questions about me?

A few, but don't take it personally.

Prying is what people too old to have sex do to keep life interesting.

She's turning 70 next week.

No kidding.

Hey, we should throw her a party.

I'm already taking her out for a drink. That's plenty.

She'll be 70, sweetheart.

Don't you think that calls for something bigger?

Look, Karen's a friend, but I don't like having her in my house.

It would be one thing if we had a bathroom with a window you could open, but... Well, couldn't you ask someone else to host it?

Well, I suppose I could palm it off to Mayer.

Good. Tell her we'll supply the food and liquor.

You know, Karen's not a fan of yours.

Why do you want to throw her a party?

It's a big day for her.

I just want to make sure it's special.

So...

What do you think?

I think that is one hell of an outfit to wear to a 70th birthday party.

It's my gift to Karen.

I figure she'll get at least five good boob jokes out of it.

Well, she'll be here soon, so let's go over this one more time.

Okay. I take her home, then I come up with some excuse to get her over to Susan's, where everyone jumps out and yells, "surprise!"

Which I still say isn't the smartest thing to do to a 70-year-old.

Mrs. McCluskey.

Happy birthday.

Jeez, Edie, are we going for drinks or mammograms?

That's one.

Oh, let me grab my earrings, and we're good to go.

So...

70.

It's quite a milestone.

How's it feel?

No big whoop.

Edie told me that she takes you out for a birthday drink every year.

I think that's a great tradition.

Look, I'm just trying to be friends here.

All righty then.

I'll see you later. Mm-hmm.

Come on. Let's go.

I've got enough friends.


Oh.

Where's Karen?

She'll be here as soon as she gives her cat some medicine. Mm.

Mm. Do I you think she'll be surprised?

Oh, absolutely.

What the...

Dave.

Just so I'm clear, you want us to sell our thriving business so we can live in a bus, like carnies?

Come on. This is cool. We can go wherever we want.

The... the kids could see america.

And when we start stealing to support ourselves, the kids can see the inside of a prison.

You're right, Tom. It's a brilliant idea.

Damn it, Lynette. Why do you have to be such a buzz kill?

Why can't you, just once, give me a little support?

Fine. I'll get you a towel.

For what?

Bree, you can't fire me, not after all the sacrifices I made for you.

Orson, stop throwing jail in my face.

You cellmate was a crooked c.P.A.

Who helped you form a bridge club. It wasn't exactly attica.

Bree, I need this job.

Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up every morning and have no reason to get out of bed?

To smile and nod at neighbors who know your wife's supporting you because no one will hire a felon?

I am drowning, and for you to throw me a lifeline and then snatch it away... Orson, I should have never offered you that job.

It wasn't fair to Katherine. I am your husband.

Why are you putting Katherine's feelings ahead of mine? Orson, please.

You're putting me in an impossible position. Then let me make it simpler for you.

I want a divorce.

Hi.

Katherine, great dress.

You're gonna turn some heads with that one.

I hope you're enjoying this party, Carlos, because you're not gonna live to see another one.

Look, I'm sorry that I lied, and for what it's worth, the guilt has been tearing me apart. You know what's gonna tear me apart?

Another 10-pound baby shooting out my hoo-ha.

Honey, look at it this way, god blessed us again because you are such a great mom.

Oh. Get your hands off me, you selfish son of a bitch.

I told you I love you.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Yes. It means that someone forgot that we had an agreement to keep things casual.

Wow. Okay.

So if we're not in a relationship, if I was with another woman, that wouldn't bother you?

No, it wouldn't.

Mm.

Quiet, everyone.

She's coming. Move it.

Surprise!

You think you can screw with me?

What do you mean?

Aah!

Karen, what the hell are you doing?

Ask that husband of yours! No!

Let's not be doing that. No, that man broke into my house tonight!

What? Yes, and he... and he moved things around, and he... and he took a picture off the wall, and then he put the table next to the couch, and the dish for the keys... it's always by the... Shh.

It's always by the door.

And that's not the first time he's broken in either.

He stole my cat, and then he put him back.

Okay, Mrs. McCluskey, why would I do those things?

Karen, I hate to say it, but you're not making a lot of sense right now.

Maybe you need to lie down.

You... Hey!

I think we should call 9-1-1.

Let go of me!

Why are you all acting like I'm crazy?

Whoo!

Halle-damn-lujah, I got my period!

Oh, was she surprised?

She seemed totally disoriented, babbling.

I just hope it isn't dementia.

She lives by herself.

We'll alert the hospital.

We're gonna need a psych evaluation. Thank you. Thank you.

Poor Karen. I hope she's okay.

Yeah, me, too.

We should probably talk now, huh?

Yeah. Let's talk.

Does this relationship have a future?

Jackson, what we have here has been working pretty well.

Answer the question.

Can't we just keep going the way we are?

And there's my answer.

It seems like they're taking good care of her.

I hope you didn't mean what you said earlier.

You just don't understand what I owe to Katherine.

You're right. I don't.

You started the company and gave her a job when she needed one badly.

Why are you the one who owes her?

You know that...

Brunch we had for you right before you left for prison?

I was very tense, and I was very unhappy.

So I had...

A glass of champagne.

She's tough.

I'm sure she'll be okay.

How about the crazy married couple throwing drinks?

How are they gonna be?

You know, I just thought that you got it, that you knew what I was going through after my accident.

You know, obviously I was wrong.

No, I get it. The sports car, the garage band...

Maybe what we need now, Tom, if for you to get it.

Hey, I was the one laying on the floor with a cop pounding on my chest.

And I had cancer. I get it. I get it.

You want your life to count for something.

Exactly. I just don't want to keep making pizzas every day till I drop to the floor for real.

I want my life to be exciting. You know, I need adventure.

Scavo's was the adventure. We changed our whole lives so you could live out your dream, and now you're bored.

We can't keep doing this, Tom.

We can't keep throwing all the cards up in the air every time you get a little restless.

Let's call it a night.

We have to work tomorrow.

Are you coming?

I'll come when I'm ready.

Did she really need an ambulance?

I don't know.

But you would have if I hadn't started my period.

How could you have done this?

Isn't it obvious? I want another kid. We can't handle another kid.

We're living hand to mouth as it is. That's what you said before we had Juanita and before we had Celia, and somehow we manage.

And can you imagine our lives without them?

Of course I can't. It's just...

How could you have lied to me?

I just couldn't shake the idea that maybe god had one more miracle in store for us.

Maybe a son.

And we have so much love in our lives, I got greedy, and I wanted more.

But you're right.

It was selfish and stupid, and I am so sorry.

I will call tomorrow and schedule a vasectomy.

Or... we use birth control, and I'm talking double-bagging, at least until we both decide it's a good idea.

Wow.

I think I gotta kiss you.

And until we get a box of condoms in that house, that's all you're gettin'.

Orson. What's up?

Bree told me what you did for her when I was in prison.

I just want to thank you.

It's nothing.

Not to Bree or me.

And you were dead right to stop her from telling me.

I'd consider it an honor to work for somebody that wise.

Work for?

The last I heard, it was partner.

All right, how's this?

I'll become a partner...

But only after you decide I've earned it.

I'm a patient man.

I don't care if it takes two years.

Oh, honey...

Working for Bree...

You're not gonna last ten months.

Mind if I say good-bye to our girl?

Sure, but she's a little groggy.

You planned the whole thing.

You're trying to get rid of me.

Yes.

And I'm sorry it had to be you.

'Cause I know you're up to something...

Something awful.

You don't know what "awful" is.

You take care of yourself, Karen, and I mean that.

Yes, it was a night filled with surprises.

Some had learned of their husband's plans for the future...

Others had discovered the truth of their wife's past...

Some were touched by their husband's secret longings...

Others were hurt by their lover's quick departure.

But for one resident, the evening had gone as planned, and he now turned his thoughts to his real agenda.

It wouldn't be long now before he destroyed the man who had ruined his life, but he knew he had to move carefully.

After all, he wanted it to be a surprise.